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Podcast 17 - Calming the Chaos using Family Meetings

8/13/2020

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​Many of us struggle with kids who whine, disobey and maybe even lie just to get their way.  We get so exasperated we want to explode and some of us certainly do explode.  Our buttons are pushed and we just don’t know what to do.  In this podcast we’ll explore what happens in our families if we’re always operating in “crisis mode” then talk about ways to avoid ever getting into that mode by using Family Meetings to set boundaries and limits while communicating as a family what behaviors are acceptable and expected. 

WHAT BOUNDARIES ARE BEING EXCEEDED IN YOUR HOME?

Let’s start off with the obvious list of which parenting traps you might be falling into:

WHINING
Do your kids wear you down with whining until you either explode or give in?  It works often enough for the kid that they keep doing it over and over.  Do they want another cookie?  Or maybe to interrupt you on a phone call? 

NAGGING
Does your child ignore your requests so you then proceed to nag them into compliance? Every time we remind, we’re training them that what we say doesn’t mean a thing. 

LYING
Has your child told you a lie in order to get their way?  “No, I didn’t hit Jimmy.” Or “I still have 15 minutes left of computer time” when you know they’ve had more than their fill?

TOO MANY RULES
Are you good about setting up lots of rules but your kids are always ignoring them?  Or are you a Drill Sergeant who has lots of rules but get compliance from yelling and telling your kids what to do?  Often times kids will become defiant when too many rules are constantly enforced especially when they don’t agree with all the rules.

SHAMING
Do you use phrases to motivate your “lazy” or “dirty” kid to do things?  “What a slob!” “You smell like a pig, go take a shower!” “No one would want to be with you, you’re so stupid.”  “You are such a cry-baby.” “Why do you always break things?”

BRIBING
Or are you a parent who gets compliance with money or other currency like computer time?  You tell your child if they do their chores, they get money.  If they clean their room, they get computer time. I’m all in for having levers and knowing our kids’ currency but I want to put such a valuable commodity to better use.
In all of these circumstances we’re reacting to our kids without a thoughtful plan and easily become overwhelmed and often irritated.  I was working with a family last week and the mom was just so frazzled having her 4 kids, ages 3 to 11, home all summer.  She felt her kids just totally ignored her.  It was pretty much mayhem and every day seemed like a bad day.  Just going to the pool for what should have been a fun time swimming wound up being a struggle from getting into the car to the pool and back. 

So, fine, we’ll all admit that we’re weak in at least one or two of those areas.  Ok?  Now what? 

BOUNDARIES – What do they look like?

First, let’s recognize what a boundary might look like since we all need to understand the basics of setting good boundaries. As we do this, I want to point out that we want to keep things as positive as possible.  We have so much negativity that creeps into our homes, we want to keep our limits positive and simple. 
  • I read books to kids who have brushed their teeth.
  • I wash clothes that are in the hamper.
  • I drive kids to soccer practice who have all their gear. 
  • I serve dinner to kids who’ve washed their hands.
  • I drive when everyone is buckled in their seats.



I think you can all guess what the negative approaches sound like and how they cause us to not only create negative energy but we often stumble into fighting and arguing with our kids as well creating even more of the negative vibes that we want to avoid.  

CONSEQUENCES
We have to be true to our word when setting our boundaries.  When we say “I wash clothes that are in the hamper.”  We need to make sure we only wash clothes in the hamper.  Yes, even if clothes are lying all across your teen’s room and you know they need their workout clothes for tomorrow, you have to be willing to leave them where they are and not touch them.  If you do, you just violated your boundary and have lost your leverage. 
 
CONSEQUENCES NOT WORKING
Ok, we all understand the basics of “setting a boundary” and “following through on consequences”.  It seems so easy but what happens when you know you have rules and everyone is ignoring them so often and so much that you’re worn out and frazzled like our swimming pool mom?  You are ready to cry and run out of the house it’s so bad? 

You need to bring out the big guns.  You need some real brain power to solve issues like these and you’re going to recruit your family’s brains to help make that happen.  As parents we often feel we’re on the hook to solve every problem.  It’s totally not fair and it’s not good for the development of our kids to leave them out of these amazing opportunities to solve big interpersonal problems and learn to work as a team.  What’s the “big gun”?  It’s called a Family Meeting.

Here’s how a Family Meeting will work.  First, decide on just one area of your family life that is either easiest in your mind to make progress on or the one that dives you the craziest.  In our example the mom decided to just focus on going to the neighborhood swimming pool but for you it could be kids picking up toys or getting off electronics, cleaning their rooms, whatever it is, you just take one and work on it first.  We need to start somewhere and trying to overhaul everything and none of it working just makes us feel like failures and we give up so let’s not do that.
 
Step 1: SET THE MEETING
You’re going to announce to your family that tonight you’re having a Family Meeting at a particular time like after dinner. Explain that you need help in solving an issue and really want everyone to help brainstorm solutions.  You and your spouse might want to have a pre-meeting just to make sure you’re on the same page in selecting which topic will be worked on and maybe a general goal for the meeting. 

Step 2:  START THE MEETING, LIST THE ISSUE
Humbly admit that you are struggling and need your family as a team to come up with some possible solutions.  Ask one of your kids to be the secretary since there will be lots of ideas generated and you need someone to help keep track of them.  If your kids are too young to write yet, that’s fine, then you or your spouse could do it.  The idea here is to get them involved.  Set a positive tone by letting everyone know that no idea is a bad idea and all ideas will be considered, no disrespecting ideas since they are just ideas.  Tell everyone that you as a family will be selecting a few ideas to TRY for the next week and will be meeting again to go over the results and make modifications.  Tell them that this is not just mom or dad dictating this, you need lots of brainpower to solve this one.  Be the cheerleader for your family telling them they are awesome and as a team you can solve this one but you need everyone’s help.

Step 3: BRAINSTORM
Describe the issue and what is hard for you that you feel needs solving.  Things like getting kids to bed or getting off electronics aren’t just one step solutions so you need to list out the different parts you see that need to be worked out.  Open up the meeting for ideas from everyone.  Write all the ideas down.  Make sure there are ideas for consequences as well.  Your goal is to get the kids to decide the rules and consequences so that everything is known up front, that everyone is informed.  This will save you from having to make things up on the fly which often doesn’t go well. 

Step 4: SELECT IDEAS
Once the list is done select one or two ideas for each area to TRY.  Assign someone to make a poster or a list of what is going to be done.  Decide how long the first experiment will run and when the next meeting will be to go over results.

Step 5: EXPERIMENT
Run the experiment.  Don’t get mad if things don’t work out.  Have a place where people can submit things that aren’t working well so that you can keep track throughout the time period.

Step 6: REVIEW & REVISE
Hold your follow-up meeting and go over the results.  Be sure to give praise where things went well! Ask for new ideas to improve the process and possibly bring out the old list of ideas you didn’t use from your first meeting.  Keep holding this review/revise meetings until you work out all the kinks in the system. 
​
Step 7: CELEBRATE!
Celebrate!  Take time to celebrate your family’s amazing ability to solve problems as a team!  You are all awesome and love each other!  Go out for ice cream or have a picnic in the park.  Do something!
 
Now that you have the steps, I was to show you how one mom solved her swimming pool issues using them. 

Step 1: SET THE MEETING
She announced that they were having a meeting to discuss how to better get to the swimming pool and back.

Step 2:  START THE MEETING, LIST THE ISSUE
She explained that she was tired of going to the pool when kids weren’t helping get ready.  There was always someone who couldn’t find their swimsuit or towel and things like water and snacks were always her job.  On the drive kids were unruly and when at the pool when someone broke the safety rules, they ignored the consequence since mom was too busy keeping the other kids safe, especially the 3-year-old.  What could they do?
Step 3: BRAINSTORM

Her oldest son, a 5th grader, took the notes.   They talked about what items were needed to bring to the pool each time.  They had ideas for which ones were problems and how to solve them.  Each kid could have a list of what all they needed or they could each pick one item to get – towels, bathing suits, water, snacks, sunscreen.  They also talked about safety at the pool and came up with consequences as to what would happen if someone didn’t follow the safety guidelines.  Her one son tended to be the one who disobeyed and would get out of the pool then sneak back into the water when mom wasn’t looking.  An idea that mom and I talked about was having each kid pack a “land bag” of things to do if they were made to be outside the pool so that it was a consequence to be out of the water but it wasn’t miserable.  She proposed that idea to the kids too.

Step 4: SELECT IDEAS
Next they talked about the different options and came up with a first pass.  The 3 older kids decided to pick an item – one got the waters, one the snacks, the other the towels.   They also decided to select one area in the house that all the swimming gear would be in – towels and swimsuits would all reside in the laundry room instead of all over the house.  They would each pack and carry their “land bags” to the pool.  For kids not obeying safety rules they decided on a 3-step approach – 1st offense was 10 minutes, then it got upped from there.

Step 5: EXPERIMENT
Mom proceeded to take her crew to the pool the next day to see how their new plan would work.  She was amazed at the huge improvement.  Her kids all brought their agreed upon items and the really cool part was when one of the kids started to stray or maybe forgot something, they could remind each other.  It wasn’t just mom vs. the kids!  It was a team!  Now that they all agreed on what was happening and knew what the process was, they could all own it.  Mom couldn’t have been prouder!

Step 6: REVIEW & REVISE
Mom was so impressed and so were the kids that the only modification that they added was to review the “pool contract” each time before going to the pool

Step 7: CELEBRATE!
Mom hasn’t celebrated yet but plans to!
 
As you can see from this family if you set this up right giving your kids a format where they have a voice and a choice, them feeling validated and heard can make everyone’s lives a lot easier.  These same kids are more invested in the rules if they help set them.  I’m not saying that parents should give in to any and all ideas their kids think up, you still can put limits on what they can request but a lot of the time we don’t care. 

I had another family who was refusing to let their daughters make GAK in their house, it’s that goopy, gooey glue kind of art gunk.  They felt it was way too messy.  They made a “no gak” rule and that’s the parent’s prerogative, of course.  However, one of their daughters was sneaking making gak.  Yikes!  That was worse than anything. 

I brainstormed some ideas during a coaching session with the parents to get them to dig down into what it really was they were looking for.  They just didn’t want the mess in the house.  Wow!  We live in California and they had a backyard.  Would they be willing to compromise with their daughters about setting up something out there?  They were also having a problem with their daughters taking laptops out in the yard which was a separate issue but they decided to have a meeting about both issues since they involved the outdoors. 

They held their first family meeting and agreed the girls could come up with a proposal of what it would take to set up an outdoor art station – what supplies, tables, etc. they might need.  They also agreed that the girls could take the laptops outside as long as they knew they’d be replacing them if they were damaged.  In the subsequent meetings they came up with a great solution that worked for everyone.  No more indoor gak and, as it turns out, it’s been months and neither daughter has brought a laptop outside since it seems they weren’t comfortable the cost of replacing one.  I love it!  They were no longer the mean parents who didn’t let them do stuff.  They were a team who solved problems and took responsibility. 
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Podcast 16 - Money Matters: Teen and Tween Edition

8/1/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​

In this blog I’m going to cover issues relating to money with middle and high schoolers.  I will go over how to give money and how much, when to give money, and how to set up responsible money habits including how to use an ATM card, checking account, credit cards. 

Money is a huge challenge for us all and at this stage your high schooler or middle schooler is at a huge crossroads with learning life skills.  Dealing with money is a much-neglected skill during these years yet they are the most crucial years to allow as many affordable mistakes as possible. This makes money a prime target for small mistakes now to avoid big mistakes later. If you know someone who can’t manage money as an adult, I’m going to guess their parents didn’t teach them much about it, might have given in to every whim just to keep them happy when they were young.  Hey, that adult might even be you! 

If you listened to my podcast about money for younger kids, you’ll have already heard how to start a small budget for vacations and special events that I call a trinket budget.  We’re going to expand on that concept greatly by including more of the day-to-day expenses our kids encounter, not just vacations and special events. 

With older kids I want to help you introduce money concepts so that by the time they graduate from high school they know about budgeting, credit cards and debt.  I’m even going to show you a way to tie in getting chores done which is such a bonus.  You want to launch a financially responsible child into the world so that you won’t be paying their bills for the rest of your life. 
 
Let’s get started!

Middle School – start budgeting using what I call the
Setting Limits Method - During this phase you want your child to really understand that there are limits to what they can spend instead of just opening up your wallet and spending YOUR money.  

Didn’t it get you in pre-COVID days when your kid said they wanted to go to a movie with friends and you had to fork over money on the spot not only for the movie but also for the popcorn and a drink?  It was for their happiness, right?  That parent guilt just gets to us when it’s done in the moment.  All practical thought sometimes just goes poof, right out of our heads.  Or, how about your kid going to Starbucks and getting a Frappuccino and a snack because they’re hungry. That can easily be a $15 transaction if you’re not careful.  I had one friend whose child went to Starbucks every day without any care as to the family budget.  Another friend was conned into buying extravagant birthday presents for their kids’ friends just because mom and dad hadn’t set a reasonable spending limit. 

So, here’s what we’re going to do, you will set YOUR limit of what YOU will give them by category. You will also set a money allowance that’s in an unlimited category they can do what they want with.  Have a family meeting or a private meeting with each kid if you have lots of different age kids.  Just do this all up front with thought and planning, no puppy dog eyes as they’re leaving for some event.  Feel free to have your kids help decide on what has limits and how much.  The important thing here is that they start to learn that there are limits and it’s helpful to know what they are up front so no one is surprised.

Here are some ideas for some different types of things that you can talk about but keep in mind that some of these will only apply after we move out of this COVID time that we are now in.  

school supplies
birthday gifts for friends
clothes
Starbucks or other snacks 
activity supplies for sports, music, etc.—like sports shoes or warmups or instruments and reeds or drumsticks and related equipment
activity fees (monthly, quarterly, by season, etc) if they are in sports, clubs or educational activities
school lunch money
movie tickets

You’re going to add up what you think is reasonable for you to pay for and give them that amount per month or when it’s appropriate.  Some things you’ll still have to pay for that you can’t quite define like how many birthday presents are needed per month but you can establish a amount of what you will add to the birthday budget per birthday. 

Here are more specific ideas of what a sample parent could allocate:

One Starbucks drink per week of not more than $5
School supplies of $50 per year
Lunch money for school lunch for 2 lunches per week
One movie ticket per month
Birthday gift budget of $25 per gift
Clothes budget $25 per month

Keep in mind this is for middle schoolers who don’t have a lot of freedom to roam.  Put into this system whatever you can.  Some parents will put in budgets for sports equipment like $75 for new basketball shoes and your kid can add their own money if they want to spend more on Air Jordans.  Maybe they’ll be willing to get last year’s model instead of getting the $100 version?  You won’t care, you’ll just be paying $75. 

For me one of the first limits I set was for school supplies.  For years prior we would head to Office Depot with the school shopping lists in hand.  My boys would convince me that they needed new this and that.  I was such a pushover. I caved just about every time. 

Well, once I learned budgeting, I set a limit of $50 per kid, per year.  I met with them and explained that they could use the money to purchase any supplies they needed but that was a yearly budget.  They could choose to reuse what they already had or buy all new stuff – pencils, binders, paper, markers, erasers.  I let them know it was all up to them.  I loved them and was sure they’d learn to make good choices over time.

However, I also let them know, if they didn’t use all of the $50, they were welcome to use it for anything else.  This incented them to be conservative and reuse much of what they chose not to in previous years.  Yeah!  I want to confess in previous years, I had been spending more than $75 on supplies. This was a total win for me and them. 

I had friend who, after her two daughters constantly overran the data budget for their phone plans, switched them to pay-as-you-go plans and gave them a budget $15 per month.  It was amusing for mom to watch how quickly her daughters used up those $15 and learned to look for Wi-Fi hot spots or wait until they got home to the house Wi-Fi instead of just constantly streaming data to their phones whenever they felt like it. 


Allowance Amount
Now that we’ve talked about a simple budget I want to talk about an allowance.  That’s the unrestricted money we give to our kids that they can spend on whatever they’d like.  How much do you give and when is the question.  As much as you think is appropriate and can afford, could be a dollar per week or $10 per month.  It doesn't matter, but be consistent.  I used monthly.   The amounts can change as your kids get older; I usually gave them a “raise” on their birthdays. 

My calculation was one dollar for each year they were old, per month.  Yep… not much by some kids’ standards but that’s the point.  You want kids to have to stretch and think about where to spend that precious money and how they can maybe save some on of their budget items that can move money into their unrestricted funds area.  Like if they find an older pair of Air Jordans for $50 somewhere, they can pocket the extra $25 to use on something else, maybe snacks at Starbucks that you’re no longer funding? 

You also want to encourage them work to earn extra money by doing extra jobs around the house or put out flyers or a post on NextDoor to offer to help their neighbors with things like dog walking, picking up mail, cleaning up dog poop or watering plants while neighbors are on vacation.  A girlfriend’s son wanted a new, cool skateboard so he worked his buns off to earn the money for it.  That mom also posted a list of what she’d pay for her kids to do her jobs if they wanted to earn money at their house. 

All this was communicated in the open so no one was surprised by any of it.  No whining and begging for “stuff”.  Give them love and empathy if they don’t like it.  “Oh, I know it’s hard to earn money.  I’m so sorry.  Let me know if you’d like some ideas.  I sure love you.”
 
What about Giving?
When kids are young and we give them allowance and we ask them to allocate some to their “share” jar.  We still want to encourage the “share” concept at this age and we can budget this item and put it in a “restricted” category that they aren’t allowed to move into their unrestricted “spend” area.  They need to “share” it with a church or charity.  No exceptions. 

If they get birthday or holiday gifts, help them allocate some of that money into their “share” budget as well as to their savings account.  Keep modeling for your kids your own giving and have discussions about how to help others with their share money.

One last thought before I head into the area of high school budgeting.  There’s a super cool app that you can use for any age kid but it would be great to use for middle schoolers.  It’s called GreenLight. It allows you to set up a debit card that’s controlled and monitored by you and used by your kids like a real debit card with restrictions on what stores and what amounts can be spent at certain places.  It’s $4.95/month per family so it does cost a bit but it might be a good transition tool prior to high school. 

Ages - High School
Speaking of high school… Every parent should jump at the chance to really step up budgeting with high schoolers.  This is a crucial learning ground that will be backed up by affordable mistakes and really set up your kids for independence in college and beyond. Here are the basics:


Step 1 - Set up a checking account in their name with real checks and an ATM card that you can electronically transfer money to and from.  It will probably be an account where one parent is a co-signer, that’s fine. You want your kid to swipe that ATM card to get used to our electronic payment-oriented society.  If they run out of money the ATM card will stop them unlike a credit card.  You can also set them up on Venmo, a popular payment app with students.  Don’t be afraid to let them use it. Have them write checks occasionally too!  Some kids really struggle to establish a decent signature especially since cursive is a dying art in schools these days.


Step 2 - Decide as many things as possible that your kid can pay for with YOUR money, yep, YOUR money like we did in the middle school exercise but WAY more detailed.  Hey, you pay for all these things anyway so let's leverage that money to work for future independence!  We’ll call this the INCOME side of the budget. 
What kind of things could be added to the list:
  • all the items listed in the previous age range
  • private lesson fees – academic tutoring, sports, music, dance, whatever!
  • sports fees - school sports, club teams, travel for sports, etc.
  • lunches/meals - whether at school or outside
  • college applications/testing fees
  • prom tickets and expenses
  • grooming – haircuts, nails, etc.
  • student fees for things like yearbooks or school spirit gear

Step 3 – Next calculate things on the DEDUCTION side of the budget.  Some families will have their teens pay for things like car insurance, the data plan for their phone, gas for using the family car on trips with friends, that sort of stuff.  My kids had a monthly deduction for both their car insurance and data plan.  Sure, I could have afforded it but I wanted them to have some skin in the game.  Where did they get the money for those deductions?  They could earn extra or use savings if they had to.  Didn’t matter to me, not my problem. 

Here’s the kicker.  I talked about incorporating chores into this budgeting process and here’s what you need to do.  Post a price list in your kitchen of what you’re willing to charge for doing your kids chores for them.  Then, if a chore isn’t done at the agreed upon time, no problem!  You just happily do the chore for them and charge them for your services.  I’d advise you to pick charges that really do make you happy, don’t skimp.  Taking the trash bins to the street could incur a $10 charge.  How about picking up that dog poop?  $10?  $20?  Cleaning the dishes?  Making their beds?

When you actually do a chore, I’d recommend posting a note or keeping a log somewhere that a snarky teen can’t rip it up if they’re mad.  When it comes time to do the budget add the DEDUCTIONS for what I call “mommy chore” charges to the other monthly deductions.  If they want earn as much income money as possible, they will learn quickly to keep their mommy chore charges to a minimum or do one of mommy’s chores to even out the deduction before the next pay period. 

Cars for High Schoolers
Just a side note, no one should be buying their high school kids' cars, much less new cars.  If they really need access to a car and you can afford to get one, find an older model car that’s not classy and buy it as a family car.  We had grandpa’s old car for one boy and their aunt’s car for the other.  A Toyota Corolla that’s 8 years old was not what my kids wanted to drive but both got them around until they could afford to buy their own cars. 

Step 4 – Now, back to our budgeting. Step 4, calculate the money needed to cover the income and deductions in Step 2 & 3 and transfer that electronically to your child once a month.  I would have my kids balance their checkbooks by hand before they got their next month's money just so that they could see the money come and go.  They switched to online balance watching after a few years but their first years with an old-fashioned paper checkbook to balance was a good exercise.  Sort of like we all learned long division but always use calculators now, right?

Step 5 - Sit back and watch them use their money.  If they forget to pay their tutor or music teacher... GREAT!  That teacher will help them learn to pay bills on time. If the instructor tries to get the money from you, I’d just redirect them to your kid and explain this is a learning process. 

If they bounce a check... GREAT!   Nothing like learning how much bouncing a check costs.  Whatever you do, don’t get overdraft protection for their account.  One dad did that and was only charging his son $25 instead of the bank’s $35 fee and his son didn’t blink an eye.  We need to get our kids to blink and look the payment monster in the eye.  This is real stuff so make it real.  These are all affordable mistakes that you can give them love and empathy for when they happen. 

Now, on the other hand, if they manage to save extra in areas of their budget that they decide they’d like to use the money elsewhere, great.  Say you give them money for two lunches a week and they decide to make their lunch all days of the week.  Let them pocket the extra to encourage their saving habits.  Remember how in adult-life we have to save for a vacation or a new car?  These balancing activities will help plant those saving seeds in their brains that they’ll use later on when purchases really need to be saved for over a long period of time.   

Ok, you’re ready to launch!  Those are the five steps.  I do have a few more comments on money and teens. 

Encourage Jobs to Earn and Learn!
One area I want to encourage is for all parents to allow and promote the idea that their kids should earn money by having a part-time job while in high school.  I know.  I know.  There are lots of parents in Silicon Valley where I live who feel that doing homework and school is a job for their kids so they refuse to let their kids work outside the home.  However, doing homework doesn’t prepare them for all aspects of the real work and I want you to help them get those extra skills. 

Crummy, low-wage jobs are such an amazing place to learn all sorts of life-lessons that are never, ever taught in schools.  Having to punch a timeclock on a schedule that your boss only tells you one week in advance and one that changes just about every week.  Getting a real paycheck – do you auto-deposit or not.  Dealing with taxes.  Getting tipped or not tipped – they start learning how it feels to not get tipped even though they’ve been doing a great job.  Dealing with co-workers that you didn’t choose – ones that gripe and don’t work hard are tough to work with.   

My one son didn’t have much time between his academics and athletics but he managed to get a weekend only job at a local burger joint.  It was a God-send if you ask me.  He learned about all those things and more.  Dealing with cleaning tables and taking customer orders.  Priceless.  Did you know that when we walk into a place like that, we often ask a 16-year-old what’s good on the menu?  Haha!  So funny!  Kids that age are amazed that anyone would bother to think that they might know the answer.  Precious lessons in building confidence and self-esteem.  Please, please let your child work!
 
College Finance Ideas
Lastly, I just want to make a few comments to those of you who have college kids or will soon.  You need to practice these budgeting things but scale it up even further.  Have your kids pay all their own bills, yep, even tuition and room and board if they are going away.  Agree ahead of time what you are willing to pay for and when you will be transferring money to them. 

In my practice, I see too many parents just opening up their wallets whenever their kids call to say they’re out of money.  I want to encourage you to set the limits up front and use empathy when they run out of money.  If you’ve set up their high school budgeting experience appropriately this will not be hard or a surprise. 

My boys knew in advance that they paid for all their own entertainment and eating out with money they earned from their summer jobs or jobs they got during the school year. 

I think having a limit for food spending is really wise as well.  Freshmen in dorms are usually required to buy a food plan.  If they have a food plan, in my opinion, that means they have food even if it’s not the best.  If they’d like to eat out, fine, it’s on their dime.

A friend could see her son’s bank account draining down and he only had $5 left in it at one point.  What a bummer!  He wound up getting an on-campus job to help even things out.  Another friend just wound up paying for the dorm food that her child wasn’t eating in addition to all the food her child at out.  Crazy, isn’t that?  Picky eaters can have a tough time in college but at that stage it’s their problem that they need to navigate, not mom and dad’s. 

Last topic, credit cards.  It is important for our kids at some point to start building up credit for future purchasing power.  I’d say as they go off to college is the time to research a good card for them and encourage them to start by choosing one type of purchase that they always pay for on their card and then pay off every month.  There are lots of companies who will offer students cards that have really high interest rates that can get kids into trouble.  Avoid those.  Shop around!
 
Learning to deal with money can be an amazing journey and allow our kids to have choices when they manage money well.   You being in their lives communicating and allowing for mistakes in loving ways is what’s going to get your kid into the right place.  They will blow it occasionally, embrace those times with a growth mindset and love them though the process. 

Whatever your child's age, please take the time to work with money.  
 
If you found this information useful, please forward the link on to your friends and family. 
 
Here are a few of my favorite books about kids and money. 

Millionaire Babies or Bankrupt Brats
Parents are Not ATMs

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Postcast 15 - Money and Allowance: Early Childhood (3-10 years)

7/9/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​

Money, money, money, what a challenge for us all!  It is so important to pass along to our kids a firm foundation for money in their lives.  However, in our love and protectiveness we tend to over-protect this essential skill-building opportunity while they are young.  

There are things to do at different ages and stages to help introduce money concepts to your kids so that by the time they graduate from high school they know about budgeting, credit cards and debt.   In this podcast, I’ll concentrate on what to do with younger kids, from toddler years up through elementary school using a simple spend-save-share method.  In the next podcast, I’ll go into more advanced topics that will cover the middle and high school years including budgeting and handling credit cards.

I talked a little about allowances in the previous podcast on Chores, and I want to make sure we’re all on the same page, we don’t give allowance for regular chores.  This allowance money we’re talking about is money that we give our kids for them to learn how to use money.  Please listen to the Chores podcast to if you want to understand more about why chores are separate from allowance since I already covered that topic there.

Let’s dive in!

For those little ones, how many of us, when relatives give our kids holiday or birthday money, stash it away in a bank account that our children can't get to?  Probably most of us!  Why?  Because "we don't want to them to blow it", right?  That money would be "wasted" on stuff that isn't important and we just can't let that happen.

Most of you know about helicopter parents and this money situation is a perfec t storm for us recovering helicopters.  We mean well, but it hurts our kids in the long run.  How will they ever learn that if they "waste" their money there won't be any left over for future wants and needs?  When our kids are young is the time to allow as many affordable mistakes as possible; money is certainly a prime target for small mistakes now to avoid big mistakes later.  I love this topic since it pays off big-time in the long run.

When to Start Allowance
I want you to start allowance at about Ages 3 to 5 and use this method until about 10 or 11.   I’m going to go over the method of giving them money, how much to give them and then how to set up learning opportunities for them to learn how to use it.  

First, Method
There’s something called the Three Jars Method - this is a classic!  You set up 3 clear jars so that your child can visibly see the money in them.  One is for spending, one for saving and one for sharing.  Let your child see the money build up.  Dave Ramsey, the financial guru, said a Cambridge study found that kids money habits are formed by about age 7.  Wow.  That’s early so let’s get them up and running as soon as possible.  With kids who are 3 to 5, you’ll be getting them used to seeing money and using money in very simple ways but those jars will grow to have meaning by about 6-7.   Do start, even if you have really young kids.

Next, Amount
How much do you give as allowance and when?  As much as you think is appropriate and can afford, could be a quarter or a dollar.  It could be per week or per month, doesn't matter, but be consistent.  I used monthly.   The amounts can change as your kids get older; I usually gave them a “raise” on their birthdays.  You’re going to have them split the allowance between the 3 jars.  Some number that can be easily split by three would be nice too.  You do want to not give so much that they’re running out every week and buying stuff.  Make them save for things they want. 

If they get birthday or holiday gifts, help them split the money between the jars.  Help them count it as it grows so you can build math skills along with money skills. 

Opportunities
Next, you let them have opportunities to Spend-Save-Give.  Let’s go over some ideas now.

SPEND - When you are at the store and they ask for a treat, let them use THEIR "spend" money instead of just using yours.  If they didn’t bring any of their money, I would encourage you to give them empathy in the form of, “Gee, this is such a bummer.  You didn’t bring your money and you’d really like to buy that toy.  Darn.  Maybe next time we come back you’ll have money to buy that.  Mommy buys things on our shopping list, not extra items.  I’m so sorry.”  Even if it brings on a tantrum just stick with it.  If it brings on whining try, “And what did I say?”  Your child is learning that money doesn’t grow on trees, that you have to have some and have it with you if you want “stuff”.

However, if you really think that is too mean then you can lend them the money and have them pay you back when they get home.  I would charge some sort of interest in the form of extra money like a real loan would have or maybe an extra chore around the house since it’s an energy drain that you had to use your money since your child forgot theirs.  However, your kids learn to carry their money when they go to a store with you pretty darn fast if you give them the empathy routine.  You want them to know shopping takes money, it’s not just a “look, see, buy” event but a “look, see, do-I-have-money-to-buy” event.

SAVE – Whenever you think there’s enough money in their SAVE jar, go with them to open a simple savings account once they get to about 6 or 7.  Have them put their savings in that account at least once a year, you might even match the amount dollar for dollar or at a 50% rate.  Let them see it growing.  Allow them to "save" for something special so they can practice delayed gratification - a bike, a large LEGO set, an expensive doll, etc.  Research says that mastering the art of delayed gratification is a SUPER helpful indicator for future success in life.  

Some families will call this account “college savings” to promote the idea that their kids will be going to college but it could have some other name but you need to differentiate it from the “spend” money  in a way that’s farther and less immediate in nature.  One of my friends had an accounting book instead of using a real bank.  She labeled it “Bank of Mom” and put all the money transactions in it.  Do what works for you but the more you can make it be a realistic banking situation, the better.


SHARE - If you go to church, let them take their "share" money for a donation, not yours.  Maybe once a year you have them pick a charity; they can use their "share" money on.  We used Heifer International for years as a "share" when my boys were little-- super fun to sponsor cows and chickens or even beehives in third world countries that help people get out of poverty.  But work with your kids to figure out what they might care about – Make A Wish?  Habitat for Humanity, Humane Society, Doctors without Borders.  It’s great to model for our kids that money and the sharing of money can help others, not just themselves.

SPECIAL MONEY/Early Budgeting
The last skill with money for younger ones that I want to pass on to you is an early introduction to budgeting.  If you, as a parent when traveling or going to a special event like a theme park, typically give in to your kids who always beg for souvenirs, this simple budgeting practice will allow them to have independence to make more choices on their own. 

Many of us don’t mind the concept of buying our kids something to remember a trip. However, we often get roped into buying things at every stop and often spend more than we want to.  Those adorable puppy eyes pleading with us for one more set of polished rocks are just sometimes beyond us to resist, right? 

Here’s the new plan: Before you head off on vacation, set up a travel trinket budget for your kids.  They can spend it on anything but when their trinket money is gone, it's gone!  So sad... ;). Sure, your kids will pick some throw-away items that you think are stupid and a waste that you know they’ll lose interest in a day, but what a great time for them to learn this lesson.  By keeping our judgements of what they buy to ourselves, this new budget process will help regulate their future purchases so you won’t have to.  Your job is to set up that budget ahead of time and stick to it.  I’d even give the kids the cash dollars and a wallet so they have a chance to physically deal with bills and change. They might even learn what it’s like to lose a wallet.  Ouch!  Ya know? I would probably wait until 5 or 6 to institute trinket budgeting when your kids have mastered some basic math. 

How much should your vacation trinket budget be?  It will really depend on what your family can afford but the overall idea is “not enough”.  For my boys when they were in elementary school, I gave them $20 each for a 3-week vacation. This was way less than I would have spent in previous summers before I figured out this trinket budget, but it totally worked. When they wanted something, I could just ask them if they had money left. It was so freeing!  They were also welcome to bring some of their SPEND money out of their spend jar if they’d like to have more.  It was totally up to them to bring that extra money.  It certainly wasn’t on my packing list for vacation. 

That’s all for now!  Good luck on getting some money understanding into your young ones.  Don’t forget to listen to my next podcast as your kids get older so you can learn about more advanced budgeting and spending habits that will get them really ready for adulthood.  I do have a Pinterest board with more ideas for teaching about money.  

PINTEREST BOARD 
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Podcast 14 - Chores - Why and How

6/24/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​

I’ve had quite a few people asking me about chores – how to set them up, do you pay for them, how much do you pay, is allowance tied to chores, do I need chore charts with rewards, what do I do if my kid won’t do their chores.  In this podcast I want to address all those issues and more.  Chores let your kids develop life skills that, if taught well, will launch them into a good place in life.  I’ll start with the research behind why chores are important and then I’ll get into the nitty-gritty of how to implement chores with kids of various ages. 

First, the research…

Research shows that kids who do chores grow into happier, healthier, far more successful adults, and the sooner parents start them on them, the better off they are.  There have been two ground-breaking studies looking at success and correlations with behavior and upbringing.  One is the Harvard Grant Study which gathered data on individuals over 75 years and the other is a University of Minnesota study looking at individuals over 20 years.   Both published a ton of results in 2015.  Here are some brief observations I want to highlight for you:

  1. It starts young: The best predictor of success in young adulthood, on measures related to education completion, career path, and personal relationships, was whether they had begun doing chores at an early age — as young as 3 or 4.
  2. Professional success – doing chores was significantly correlated with academic and career success but there are even indications that early chores were linked to higher IQs. 
  3. Relationship skills - “A kid who learns early to do chores will be a more generous and cooperative partner. It’s easier to live and work with a person who has learned to take care of his or her own stuff and to be responsible for some of the boring work that adult and family life requires.”  Chores teach kids vital relationship skills like cooperation, teamwork, and respect for others. I bet we all know someone in college who was the biggest slob and thoughtless roommate ever - never picked up after themselves, didn’t do the dishes, left the counter dirty and disgusting after cooking.  Yuck. 
  4. Mental Heath - researchers found that participation in chores as children was a better predictor for mental health in adulthood than social class and family conflict.
  5. Organization, Time Management and delayed gratification - Kids who do chores learn to organize their time and to delay gratification. Both of those are vital skills for later success.  If you have to do the dishes before playing video games and your friends are playing at 7pm then you’d better get those dishes done before then.  Having to fit in chores forces kids learn to manage their time. Julie Lythcott-Haims who wrote the book How to Raise an Adult said, “While it can be tempting to give kids a pass on busy homework nights real life is going to require them to do all of these things. When they're at a job, there might be times that they have to work late, but they'll still have to go grocery shopping and do the dishes."

Taking Time for Chores

In the Harvard Grant Study, researchers identified two things that people need in order to be happy and successful: The first? Love. The second? Work ethic.

What's the best way to develop work ethic in young people? Based on high-achievers who were part of the study there's a consensus of what gave them a good work ethic - A "pitch-in" mindset.  This is a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me ... that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.

The drawback we have as parents, however, is that having our kids do chores doesn't necessarily wind up being less work for us, does it?  It takes more time to teach our kids to do chores and to do them well instead of just doing the chores ourselves.  How many of us look forward to nagging our kids and reminding them day after day to do their chores away?  Now that we know the benefits of doing chores for the long-term, let’s take a close look at the practical side of what we can do to help us arrange for chores in our households.

PRACTICAL SIDE OF CHORES

To Pay or Not to Pay For Chores

I want to start by addressing one major issue - should we pay for chores.  I firmly believe we shouldn’t.  A family is a unit of people who need each other and love each other.  It takes work to take care of a family and there’s no reason why kids can’t learn at an early age that pitching in is just something they need to do.  Remember that life skill we learned about earlier?  The “pitching in” skill?  We do need to set up chores with love and encouragement though instead of nagging and threats. 

When we pay our kids for chores, they start to think that if they don’t get paid then they don’t have to work.  Or, if they don’t need the money, then they don’t need to do the chores either.  They become workers for hire and not contributing family members.  We threaten to withhold money when they aren’t done and this shouldn’t be about money, it should be about pitching in.

I do want to say that I believe in giving kids an allowance as a means to learn about handling money but it should be separate from chores.  Teaching kids about money is so important actually that I’ll do separate podcast soon on it so stay tuned for that. 

By Age

To help you on the practical side of things, I’m going to go over my recommendations for chores by age.  I’m going to give you some basic examples but after you’re done listening feel free to visit my PARENTING DECODED Pinterest board on Kids Chores.

For kids 2-3 years
You want to start young.  Yep, really young.  I’d start as early as two.  Richard Bromfield who wrote the book How to Unspoil Your Child Fast put it nicely, “When kids are really young, they want to help you rake leaves or prepare dinner.  Take those opportunities to let kids help. Those moments are infused with love and connection. By the time they're older and really able to do [those tasks] competently, they've lost interest."  Cape diem!  Seize the day!  A 2 or 3-year-old helping to sweep the back porch, dust the book shelves, or make a snack in the kitchen with a parent is a happy kid.  When they grow up and inevitably have to accomplish these things, they’re less likely to rail against them if you started early and naturally. 

What can a 2 or 3-year-old do?
  • Pick up toys
  • Wipe up spills
  • Dust
  • Clear places at meal times
  • Help put away groceries
  • Sort recycling
  • Put dirty clothes in laundry​

For 4-6 year-olds you start to move into chores that are more helpful and they can learn to do these without you but still aren’t too hard. 
  • Make their bed
  • Sort laundry and put away clothes
  • Feed pet
  • Set the table
  • Make a small snack or help with dinner
  • Pull weeds
  • Water plants
  • Vacuum
  • Sweep porch

For 7-9 years there is LOTS they can do. 
  • Get themselves out of bed in the morning
  • Make lunch for school
  • Do their laundry or at least fold it
  • Cook a simple meal
  • Load/unload dishwasher
  • Clean up after the dog
  • Clean the bathroom
  • Take out the trash

For 10-18 and beyond
  • Do all of their own laundry
  • Mow the lawn
  • Cook a complete meal
  • Wash the car
  • Mop the floors
  • Babysit
  • Help with younger children
  • Basic home repairs (light bulbs, dust a fan using a ladder, tighten loose screws)

Older kids Starting Chores Ideas

I want to talk now to families with older kids who haven’t been doing chores or almost no chores yet.  I’m mostly talking about families with teens or tweens but if you have elementary kids who aren’t doing chores this can be helpful to you as well.

If you have kids in this category,  it will be a huge adjustment for them, that’s for sure.  Our society has transitioned to valuing homework more than teamwork so we’ve given our kids a “pass” when it comes to contributing and they’re likely to resist your efforts to get them to contribute. 

For starters, I am going to give you the number one chore you need to have your teen or tween start doing right now.   It only involves them.  If they don’t do this chore, it only hurts them – not you, not the rest of the family, not even the family dog or cat.  What is it?  LAUNDRY. 

Set up a Family Meeting and announce that starting in one week you’ll allow your children to do their own laundry whenever they’d like as long as you’re not using the machines yourself.  You allow them to choose when to have a lesson on how to use the washer and dryer.  You also let them know that once they are trained, they are responsible for using the appliances appropriately or paying for the repairs.  Lovingly let them know that you will always provide soap and answer specialty questions that arise but their laundry will now be their laundry.

Then, you implement this.  Things might get stinky in their rooms.  Just shut the door.  They need to take care of themselves and this is the perfect life skill and chore for them to own. Some parents think they’ll waste water but that is much less likely than them not cleaning their clothes often enough. 

Here’s what else you need to do: no yelling, no reminding or nagging.  If you have an athlete, all the more reason to get them in the groove early.  They might come to realize they need more underwear to stretch out washings to once a week or once every two weeks.  Great!  Let them buy more underwear!  They can use their own money.  If they dye a load of laundry pink because they didn’t separate their colors correctly, let them wear pink or replace things with their own money.  If your child won’t fold their laundry, won’t put it away?  Don’t lift a finger.  Let them wear wrinkled clothes.  Let them figure out what is clean and what is dirty.  Just stay away.  Assist them by answering questions by all means, just don’t do their laundry.

Ok,  feeling better?  Do you think you can get that one implemented at your house?  Good!  This laundry chore will get you on a path toward where you really want to be, getting them more involved in chores around the house.  So, what’s next?

Here’s what I did with my boys when they hit middle school.  This process I’m going to describe takes a bit of time to implement but I really think it is worth the effort.  It absolutely was for me.

Start by taking a piece of binder paper and taping it to the fridge in your kitchen.  Every day, many times a day, write the chores that everyone in the family does on the list.  Take about two weeks to write all the chores so that you get a really good cross section of things that need getting done.  Add pages as they get full.  I told my boys about the list and encouraged them to write down their chores if they didn’t see them on the list but it was a list of all our chores, not just theirs. 

What was on the list? Grocery shopping, driving kids to school, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, paying bills, earning the money to pay the bills, vacuuming, planting the garden, making beds, cleaning the dishes, setting the table, etc.  Our list was about three pages long in the end. 

Next, organize the list into categories – daily (making beds, setting the table), weekly (taking garbage bins to the street, combing the cat), monthly (clean their bathroom) and random (changing light bulbs, refilling TP, washing the car). I happen to put all mine into a spreadsheet so I could more easily manipulate them and add columns for who will do each chore but do whatever works for you. 

Last step, have a Family Meeting and brainstorm who does what.  True confession, the first time I did this I hadn’t categorized by daily/weekly/monthly and it was a disaster.  I had to re-think my process and hold another Family Meeting a few days later which is what I’m describing now.  Haha… you can learn from my mistakes! 

My kids had already had chores but this magic list showed them that mom happened to be doing LOTS of the chores with dad in second place.  I was a stay-at-home mom at the time so it wasn’t all that surprising. 
For their daily chores I just asked before school for two simple things in their rooms –straighten up their beds and open their blinds.  I love light in my house and I really wanted that help.  They agreed it seemed reasonable.  They had other daily chores but those were my wins by doing this.

For their weekly chores, they got to decide when they did them – which days worked best in their busy schedules.  This is where using choices was key.  I wanted them done,  they could say when! They also chose that some chores they would own and others would rotate.  It seemed that neither wanted to clean the litter boxes for our cats so they rotated that one with taking the garbage bins to the street.  I was flexible!  It didn’t matter to me when, just that they helped. 

I also had commitment from my husband and boys that if I cooked, they’d clean the dinner dishes. We would all take our plates over to the counter but then one boy would help dad wash the pots and load the dishwasher and the other one was responsible for cleaning up the leftovers and counters.  Again, choices!  I could chill while they happily picked their after-dinner music and cleaned up.  It never took more than 15 minutes.  This again was a chore I used to pretty much do all by myself and not always happily.  Another win!

However,  my real coupe, if you ask me, came when I showed them the “random” list of jobs, the ones that don’t have a schedule.  It had about 40 jobs on it.  I was pretty much doing most of the 40 jobs and they all could see that now.  Before we created this list,  they had no idea how long it was.  I asked them to each pick 4 jobs from the list.  I didn’t care which ones, just pick and be responsible.  Their eyes lit up.  Only four!  Wow!  That’s a steal!  They were expecting 15 or something.  While that doesn’t seem quite fair in some ways to me, I was thrilled to have one son now be the permanent light-bulb-changer and the other the toilet-paper-refiller and foaming-soap-refiller. 

I can’t even remember the other ones but it was awesome.  Just the week before we did this list I had asked one of my sons to replace a lightbulb. They had no interest whatsoever especially since we had high ceilings and a lot of them needed a ladder to get to.  Well, the very next week after the new jobs were selected, I got 4 light bulbs changed from a happy teen. Yep!  He smiled and just went off to change them. 

I encourage you all to make your list and get buy-in for some assistance.  Chores are good for your kids even if they won’t admit it. 

Chore Charts, Chore Jars and Chore Events

Next,  I’m going to talk about how you might track and set up the chores.  There are quite a few clever ways I’ve been researching that parents accomplish getting their kids to know what chores to do - chore charts, chore jars and chore days or mornings.

Chore Charts – a simple chart that has chores listed and maybe the days of the week.  You can use a marker or stickers that the child can show they are done with a chore.  Simple.  Some families collect stars and give a reward but since rewards are kinda like paying for chores I’m not all that keen on rewards, just charts for tracking what’s to be done.  If your child can’t read, by all means use pictures.  If your child is older, have Family Meetings to discuss what chores will be done by whom and when.  The more choices you can give your kids over chores, the more ownership they will have in completing them.
 
Chore jars - I love some of the Pinterest ideas where you take popsicle sticks and write all the chores on them and put them in a jar.  Each person in the family can then pick a stick, do the job and then put it in the “completed” jar when they’re done.  Have different jars for different ages if you need to.  Be creative! 

Chore days or mornings - Some families pick one day on the weekend, maybe Saturday morning, where they all do chores together.  A list is posted that morning of what needs to be done and everyone pitches in until they are all completed.

Consequences for Not Doing Chores

Let’s move on.   We might agree on the concept of chores but what if our kids won’t do them without lots of nagging and threats?  We need to stop nagging and threatening.  I need you to go back and listen to Podcast #10 on how to set up good consequences.  Using the Love and Logic technique called Energy Drain that those of you who came to a class learned as well as setting some good limits as to what will happen if chores aren’t done is the direction you need to head in.  If you don’t know the Energy Drain technique I’ll put a link to the audio you can download it from Love and Logic Institute. 

When kids are younger a simple limit stated positively like: “Anyone who has finished their chores is welcome to sit down at the dinner table.” Or “I read books to kids who have put their clothes in their hamper.”  These work really well for little ones.   For snarky teens and tweens you might need something more like, “Gee, it really drains my energy to see all those dishes sitting in the sink. What are you going to do to put my energy back?”  If they refuse, just like I describe in Podcast #10, the next day might look like: “I drive kids to school or soccer practice who have put my energy back.”  Or, “I allow kids to use electronics who’ve put my energy back.”  You need to keep calm and you need to not nag or yell.  I know it can be hard but, believe me, if you’re consistent, your kids will trust that you mean what you say.

I do want to cover one more advanced concept that worked great for my own boys.  I never yelled or nagged about doing chores.  I let it be known that I’d be happy to do any chore for them and I posted a list of charges on my kitchen bulletin board.  It was only $20 for me to take the garbage bins to the street, $5 to refill TP  and $10 to comb the cat. Everything had a price.  I collected my charges once a month from the pink note cards that went on the bulletin board to track when I did a job for them.  It allowed me to be a happy mom and they got to be responsible since they didn’t like giving me their money.  This whole setup I’ll explain in a future podcast on how to teach kids about money but for now put prices on things.  I also bargained to take down a pink card if they did one of my jobs.  I was flexible!  I’d even tell you to feel free to post what you’ll pay kids to do your chores if they want to earn money as well. 

Did I give you enough practical ideas on how to get some chores done at your house?  I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you.  Realizing that our kids need chores is what I hope I’ve accomplished here.  Let your kids grow and experience real life, get them out of the academic and performance-oriented bubble our society has been forcing them in to.  Help create humans who care to pitch in and understand that life isn’t all about them; it’s about creating a loving environment where we can work to solve problems together. 

I loved how Julie Lycott-Haims wrote in her book, How to Raise an Adult, “By making them do chores -- taking out the garbage, doing their own laundry -- they realize I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life. It's not just about me and what I need in this moment."

​Here's the link to PINTEREST KIDS CHORE BOARD

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PODCAST Episode 7 - Night Time Battles: Toddler to Elementary

3/27/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

I’ve been thinking a lot about sleep lately and how important it is to get a lot of it and good quality with this current crisis going on.  It’s good for our mental health as well as our immune systems.  Well,  I’m an empty-nester and not getting enough sleep so you parents of younger ones might be getting even less than I am so I’m dedicating this to all of you so that maybe a few of these ideas can get you and your family a few more minutes of sleep or at least set a calmer tone in your house at bed time.

This podcast is for parents of toddlers through elementary school,  I have a separate podcast on dealing with issues of sleep and teens so please head there if you have older kids.  In this podcast we’ll go through some ideas for moving toward bed, getting ready for bed, turning out the lights and finally ideas for those of you who have kids who wake up at night. With that said, let’s get started.

Heading toward bed – the transition
For many kids it’s really hard to transition from playful family time to the lonely and boring time of bedtime and night time.  Kids might be hyped up playing and rough housing or they might be involved in a really interesting show or project that will take way longer than our bedtime goals allow.  Transitions are really hard for many kids so we need to make the transitions as painless and battle free as possible.  To do this there are two things we have at our disposal which will prevent many battles before they start – choices and boundaries or what Love and Logic might call Loving Limits.  

Most of the time choices are really effective since kids just really want some control over their lives.  We’re so used to bossing them around it makes some of them decide to say “no” no matter how reasonable we are.  If we say “It’s bedtime.” They’re almost programmed to resist.  Offering choices before you hear “no” is SUPER important. You have to use choices early, if you have resistance you’ve lost your battle so make your choices effective and as fun as possible.

So you’re going to use choices like this:
  • Would you like to go to bed at 8 or 8:15? (knowing full well we want them to go to bed at 8:15!)
  • Would you like to set the bedroom timer or me? (I love using timers especially for kids who can’t tell time yet on their own)
  • Would you like to set the bedroom timer for 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing you’re fine with 15 minutes)
If you give choices as to when to head to bed you use them again with HOW to get there.  Try using something like “Wow, it’s time to head to bed!  Would you like to …
…crawl on your tummy to bed or walk backwards?
… or Would you like to go blindfolded or have me carry you upside down? 
… or Would you like to hop on one foot or skip to bed?
Fun is super helpful!  Being creative and offering different choices every night is also super helpful. 

Getting ready for bed – give them choices
Once we get them in the vicinity of their bedroom and the bathroom area to get ready we use   
  • Would you like to brush your teeth first or put your pjs on first?
  • Brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
  • Would you like to take a bubble bath or a lights out bath with a candle?
  • Would you like to dry off with a big towel or lots of little wash cloths?
  • Would you like mint toothpaste or cinnamon toothpaste? 
  • Electric or hand brushing?
  • Pajama top on first or pajama bottom?
  • Would you like to sleep with your school clothes on or your pajamas?
 
The idea is that you constantly throw new choices at them so that they don’t have time to think that one of the choices is “No!”.  Being creative with choices is key!

Set boundaries
Another skill that is super useful at bedtime is setting boundaries so that your kids know ahead of time what to expect and they’re things that you can stick to.  If your kids can have input as to what they are, especially as they get into older grades in elementary school, the more effective these will be.  For any boundary to be effective there has to be a consequence if you don’t get the result you are looking for. 

What am I talking about?  A useful boundary for most families is setting which time kids are ready for bed. Let’s say that a family starts heading to bed at 7:15 and want lights out by 8:15.  They need a bath, teeth brushing, getting pajamas on and reading books in that one hour of time.  I’d suggest setting a boundary like: “I read books to kids who are ready by 8:00. “  It’s a simple statement that tells your kids that as long as they are ready they can have books for 15 minutes.  This also means that you as a parent have to be willing to have a child having a tantrum at 8:05pm who wasn’t ready on time and will not be getting books tonight.  You need to be ready to have this happen and to give love and empathy.  “Wow, this is sooooo sad.  I love reading books.  I’m sad too.  I can’t wait till tomorrow night.”  You can give them hugs but you cannot read to them. You have to hold your ground especially when you know your child’s currency is book time.  You have to realize that your child had a choice and they chose to not have book time,  it wasn’t you. 

But, Mary, you might say, my child can’t tell time yet.  What do I do?  Use timers again!  Lots of timers if you need to.  Cheap ones from Target or Amazon work great.   Have your little one learn how to set them and get them maybe even to try “Beat the Clock” type contests.  Set one timer for 30 minutes, another for 15, another for 5 and the last one for 2.  Put them in different places to make it fun if you want but MAKE SURE they know there’s a limit and that they get to choose if they get books or not, it’s not up to you.  You give LOVE and EMPATHY if they blow it.  Some of you might want to try this on a weekend night if you’ve got to work on weekdays but you need to start and keep pulling it off for a few days for some kids to believe that your word is true, that there are no books if they’re not ready. 

Lights Out
By the time bedtime comes around most of us have our eyes on the goal – some downtime without kids!  Maybe a glass of wine with our spouse or to watch a show that’s not rated G.  We say a prayer: “Please Lord, let them fall asleep quickly so I can have some ME TIME.”  However, many of us find our ME TIME cut short by kids not wanting to fall asleep.  Some of us fall asleep with them (that’s what would happen to my husband and I), some of us sit close by outside the bedroom door feeling chained there until we can peek in and see that our kid is finally, finally asleep then we tip toe away as quietly as possible hoping we don’t wake them up.  Is that you?   What can we do to get them to sleep? 

If you have a child who really, really won’t go to sleep without controlling where you are then during daytime you need to spend Special Time with them to brainstorm what they need at bedtime so that they stay in bed.  Special Time is where one parent schedules some time with just them and the child, no siblings or distractions, just the two of you. 

During this time you think about ideas for what they need at bedtime since your new boundary is that once books are done mom and dad are done too.  You will let them know that they are welcome to have bedroom time for as long as they want but they must be quiet and stay in their room.  You really can’t force your child to sleep on command but you can allow them to be quiet and in their room and allow them to be in control of their environment.  During the Special Time I’d offer more creative choices than I might have offered in the past:
  • Would you like to sleep in your bed or on the floor?
  • Would you like to sleep in your sleeping bag or with a different blanket?
  • Would you like to be buried by a pile of stuffed animals so that I can’t see you?
  • Would you like the light on or off?

The idea is that your child chooses all these things that really don’t matter since what matters to you is that you get your ME TIME and they are quiet and in their room.

If your child won’t stay in their room and you have to constantly put them back or they have tantrums then you need to deal with those then I’d highly recommend that you go and listen to my 5th podcast which tells you what to do with tantrums. 

In brief though, for some kids you might wind up going ahead and cuddling them and falling asleep that night but then the next day you’re going to have them restore all that sleep and free time you lost in dealing with them by doing a few chores around the house.  Yes, even if they are only 3 or 4 you do this.  They need to know that their choice to take away your free time has a cost.  You love them and will help them get to sleep but you need to let them know you need their help to restore that time lost. You do it lovingly and with empathy. 

In the morning you’ll say something like: “Wow, that sure was a late night last night.  I’m so sorry you had trouble getting to sleep and that mommy didn’t have time to finish what I had planned.  It would be great if you helped out today by vacuuming the living room and sweeping the porch.”  I would also take a bit of time to brainstorm again to see what adjustments need to be made when you head to bed again that night.  Checking in with your child and making adjustments is really helpful.  They need to know that problems often take time and many adjustments to solve and that you’ll love them and work with them as long as it takes to solve this one.
 
Difficult Night Time Issues
In working with parents over the years I have offered this advice and for many it works wonders.  The choices and boundaries and knowing your child’s nighttime currency is super helpful.  However, there are a few situations I’d like to offer further advice. 

Kids waking in the middle of the night with siblings in the room that might wake up
One family I worked with has a small house and 3 kids, two who slept in the same room.  Their 4-year-old would wake up every night and scream so dad had to get him to calm down or his son would wake up the whole house and the new baby.  Oh my… definitely a problem.  We decided that getting his child to calm down during the night was really imperative so he’d need to use the Special Time solution to brainstorm ideas about what they could do to remedy the situation.  He would also need to work with his son to give him some jobs to help repair the sleep that dad had lost by getting woken up at night. 

As we mentioned before, this will be with love and empathy, the chores given won’t be a punishment for his behavior that he can’t control yet, just a recognition that he caused distress to someone else and has to help even the waters a bit during awake time. Another dad of a 4-year-old used Special Time to brainstorm with his son what books and stuffed animals he needed at bedtime but he also let his son know that he was too tired to play basketball with him when he’s woken up at night since he’d lost so much sleep.  It took about a week for the two of them to brainstorm enough to figure out their nighttime solution.  It was awesome to hear!  Go dads!
 
Kids wanting to climb into your bed in the middle of the night
Some of you might fall into the category that I did.  My son went to sleep ok but he’d wake up every night and didn’t wake anyone else up but me.  He’d come quietly to my side of the bed and want to climb in and sleep with us.  He was so cute at first so of course I’d let him sleep with us.  Sometimes, once he got back to sleep my husband or I would carry him back to his room but sometimes he was there the rest of the night.  Ugh… I was so tired and not getting good sleep with a little one kicking and turning and taking space I enjoyed in our bed.

  So, what I wound up doing is setting up a little bed next to ours that was just one of those tiny futons and put a crib sheet, a blanket and pillow on it.  My son got to choose what else he’d like on the little bed but it was small and fairly out of the way so I could still get in my bed.  Then, I let him know if he woke up in the middle of the night he was welcome to sleep there and that sleeping with mommy and daddy was not an option.  He was happy with that solution so for about a year from maybe 4 to 5 he slept probably ½ the nights on that little bed. 

​I was talking to another family and they actually have a small teepee set up in their room that they actually let their daughter whose about 6 just go ahead and sleep in all night.  Another family put a sleeping bag outside their master bedroom door for their daughter to sleep in if she awoke at night.  If you don’t mind and have the space, go for it.  It really won’t be happening when they’re teens, believe me.  Bottomline, if your child is waking you and you’re losing sleep feel free to be creative but don’t feel like you have to let them sleep with you.  Sometimes just being near you will be just fine. 
 
Early Morning Wake Ups
The last topic is what to do with kids who wake up earlier than mom or dad.  Actually, I’m going to tackle that topic hopefully in next one of my next podcasts but to give you a hint if you have this issue, use Special Time to brainstorm some ideas with your kid.  If your kids are really little go online and look for one of those kiddie wake-up clocks that go from red to green to signal when they can get out of bed.  More later though but feel free to email me if you need help right now.
 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast!  Getting kids to bed is a lot of work some nights but I hope you can use fun choices and set some good boundaries for getting to bed and getting ready for bed.  I pray for all of you to have a bit more sleep especially when some of us our not sleeping well right now for other reasons.   
 
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Limits Help US!

4/3/2019

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Many of us have learned how to set Loving Limits so that we can tell our kids what WE will do instead of what we DON'T do.  It's super positive and really helps kids understand in a loving way that they aren't running the show in our households.

However, by setting limits we're really helping ourselves to keep calm and be in control.  
Look at the following scenarios - Which version shows the parent is in control?  Is calm?  
  1. I'm not serving dinner until you put away your mess! 
  2. I serve dinner to kids who've put away their toys.

How about:
  1. You can't play on the computer.  You haven't finished your homework yet.
  2. We allow kids who've finished their homework to play games on the computer.
​
Little ones are easier to set limits since they are so willing to please us and receive our love (not to mention they're more dependent on us for helping them do things).
  1. I'm not reading you books tonight!  You took forever to get ready for bed so there's no time left to read.  No crying!
  2. I read books to kids who are ready by bedtime which is 8:15.  This is so sad that you took too long to get ready.  I'm sure that things will be better tomorrow night.  I know you're sad, me too, since I love reading you books at night.  (notice the empathy!)
When our kids get older we can still keep setting limits.  Here's a story from one of the moms in my class of how she's using loving limits with her two older kids.  Hats off to her since she's remaining calm and in control!

                                                          =================================== 

So, every morning I have to ask my kids to put away their cereal box. So, yesterday morning when the cereal box, got left out, I took the cereal box and put in on top of the fridge. (The place I put stuff that they have lost for the week.) Here is the conversation my son and I had (it was his cereal):

O: Mom, why is my cereal on the fridge?
Me: Oh, it is so sad. It was left out on the table again this morning. You can have it back on Saturday (when they always get their stuff back).
O: Oh, okay. Tomorrow I will just open another box.
Me: Buddy, I am so sorry but you lost the privilege of eating cereal until you get that box back on Saturday. You will have to figure out something else for breakfast tomorrow.
O: Okay, I will have toast.
Me: Ummm...that is a great start but you need to include some type of protein.
O: Great! You can make me eggs.
Me: Oh, you know,  I will be busy making lunches and my own breakfast. You usually make your own breakfast so you will still need to do that tomorrow. (I was SOOOO tempted to make him eggs.) You can make your own eggs. You know how to do that.
O: Oh, I don't want to do that. How about nuts? Will that work?
Me: Sounds like a great plan.

And this morning, he did just that. No complaining. No helicopter mom rescuing. No complaining about cereal boxes left out. Even his sister made sure hers got put away. #winning!
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Electronic Issues

7/16/2018

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Are electronics a chronic problem in your household?  It seems these days that it's probably THE most annoying issue parents deal with day after day.  Here are a few stories from parents who used some L&L techniques to help get electronics in line.  Enjoy!

Car Distraction and Boredom
As soon as I started driving, my daughter started saying "I'm bored," which means "I want to watch a DVD in the car."  She kept repeating the phrase so I went brain dead and replied, "I know."  After about three exchanges, she replied, "Why are you saying that?"  I just said "I know" again and she didn't mention dvd again for the rest of the ride.  Ha!

Phone Causes "A Problem"
My son likes to play video games on my phone. He asked if he could use my phone in the car and I replied yes as long as it did not cause a problem. Well, he was asked to give the phone back and he kept saying: "In just a minute". I told him it was a problem and there would be consequences later, which he ignored. I decided to delete all his apps from my phone. I told him later and I was surprised to see that he did not throw a verbal fit. Hmmm. 

Both parents got some amazing results!  Good for them!  How are you doing?  Here are a few more helpful hints:

BRAIN DEAD - use this when your kids are whining for more electronic time.  They can be sad and even mad but it doesn't mean you should give in.  Stay strong give a dose of EMPATHY and/or go brain dead!

SET LIMITS - define when and how your kids can use electronics then STICK WITH IT.  The most important part is that there are some well communicated limits and there are consequences when those broken limits "cause a problem".  Using ELECTRONICS CONTRACTS can super helpful especially as your kids grow and start having their own devices.  My recommendation is to start using them early so they are used to a contract when they reach middle and high school when things can get really out of control.  

Here's a link to a fun cell phone contract on my website you could edit: Cell Phone Contract

However,  you should make sure to add consequences to your contract so that everyone knows what happens where there's "a problem". 
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Dealing with "NO!"

5/1/2018

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Do you hear "NO!" as a response in your home just a little too often?  It can just drive us nuts especially if we're in a hurry and don't have time to deal with it.  

Could you please take out the trash?   .... NO!
Can you feed the dog while I'm making dinner?.... NO!
For the 18th time put away your shoes! ... NO!
Get off electronics! .... NO!

We want to avoid setting up ourselves for NO but can't always remember how to do that.  Here are some hints:

HINT #1 - Use Choices
Would you like to take out the trash before dinner or before you start your homework?
Notice that "no" isn't one of the options?  

Would you like to feed the dog while I make dinner or you make dinner while I feed the dog?

HINT #2 - Use Loving Limits
We let kids come to the dinner table who've put their shoes away.  

We allow kids to use electronics who've finished their homework (or whatever other limit you've set).  

We allow kids to use electronics who haven't been fighting with their siblings. 

I drive kids to school who've brushed their teeth.  

HINT #3 - Still Getting NO?
Sometimes even when we give choices or set a loving limit our kids still refuse to do what we ask.  It's at this point where you should DELAY THE CONSEQUENCES.  

In a really nice, sweet empathetic voice say, "No problem, I'll feed the dog.  It really drains my energy though.  I'll have to do SOMETHING about it."  You don't know what you're going to do but you get to decide what that is at a later time, not right now.  Just let it slide and think of a reasonable consequence when you're ready.  

What might that be?  
CHILD - "Mom,  I'm all done with my homework, where is the iPad?  I want to play my game now."
YOU - "This is so sad, I know how much you love playing after you do your homework.  The iPad has been put away since my energy was too drained after you didn't get off electronics yesterday.  Sorry.  Would you like some ideas about how my energy might be put back?"

CHILD - "Mom, we need to go meet John at the Mall.  He's waiting for us to shop for new basketball shoes."
YOU - "Wow, this is so sad.  I really don't have the energy to drive to get new basketball shoes.  I used up all my energy taking out the trash and putting away your other shoes for you.  Maybe some other time after you've put some energy back in me.  There's a list on the fridge, feel free to pick one and let me know when you're done. "
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Monopoly Game and Setting Limits

1/8/2018

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Why is it that we allow our kids to manipulate us so easily sometimes? We are so easily lulled in by anything from their cute smiles to their homework load, aren't we?


One way to get things under control in our lives is to use LOVING LIMITS and LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES. When we tell our children what we will do and stick to our guns with loving consequences we can really get great things done.
I LOVE this real story from a couple in my class. It'll give you a feel for how to interweave multiple skills at one time as well. Enjoy!

===============================================
So it was a weekend evening and my 5-year-old son Danny had been asking us all day to play Monopoly Jr. We finally told him he could start setting it up and we’d play right after dinner.


While he was happily sorting out all the money and pieces, his younger 4-year-old brother, Kevin, came along and started messing up his work. I let Danny try to handle it, but after a few minutes, I could tell there was going to be quite a problem. I told Kevin my LOVING LIMIT that we would only allow boys that were being kind to play out in the living room and that he would need to play somewhere else.
​
Then my husband came up with the idea that Kevin shouldn’t get to play the game with us. That would be a much bigger and logical consequence for him that would hopefully make a bigger impact than just being sent away.


So we didn’t mention anything during dinner. Afterwards, when we were getting all excited and ready to play, I broke the news to Kevin. I put on my EMPATHETIC face and told him that this was so sad, but he wouldn’t be able to play the game with us since he was messing up the pieces earlier. He was crushed and immediately started crying hysterically. We told him that we’d be happy to have him still hang out in the room with us and watch as long as he was calm. He surprisingly calmed himself down quickly. We thought that if he could watch us play, it would make an even bigger impact on him as he could see what he was missing out on. It was definitely hard for him to watch us playing without him and I’m hoping the lesson really sank in for him.


The whole thing was difficult for me to follow through on because I hate seeing my child being left out and sad. But I know that a small investment now and an affordable mistake on his part can go a long way in the decisions he makes in the future. I’m thankful for my husband’s leadership in this area too, it was his idea and I’m glad we were able to work together to make a big impression on little Kevin.
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Food Battles: Let's Win!

10/3/2017

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Are you tired of trying to get your kid to eat something healthy? Is it veggies? Maybe they only eat fruit? Or bread?

Or does your kid eat but not WHEN you want? By the time you sit down is your kid out of their chair, running around? Do you give them snacks long after the meal is done since you're worried they didn't eat enough?
Sometimes we just want to pull our hair out because our kids are driving us crazy not eating WHAT we want them to eat or not eating WHEN we want them to. Ugh! Sooo infuriating!
The list of battles we can have with our kids over food is endless!
Here are some really practical tips on how to "win" your food battles.

"WHAT" THEY EAT BATTLE
#1 - Offer Healthy Choices: Your game plan here is to provide lots of healthy choices and let them choose. If they are hungry, they will eat. They might skip a dinner or two or not eat veggies much for a year or so but, eventually, if you are patient and don't battle them on it, their bodies will want food. You just offer good stuff!

Should you cook separate meals for them? The answer is "no" with the exception that you should offer at least one item that you feel pretty confident that your kids will eat. In my house, I knew one would eat green beans and the other broccoli so I tried to offer those pretty frequently along with a protein plus a starch they liked - potatoes, rice or bread. When we moved up the tastebuds to include Caesar Salad as they got older, it became a staple. The food choices were more bland than I preferred but it was food I liked enough and knew they would eat.

"WHEN" THEY EAT BATTLE
#2 - Set Loving Limits for When Food is Offered: You need a different tactic than you use with the "WHAT" battle. You need to set Loving Limits on when food is served and what happens when one leaves the dinner table. The Loving Limit would be along the lines of: "I serve dinner for 30 minutes." (or 5 or 15... whatever your family needs!) At the end of the allotted time, the dinner goes away. There were only healthy choices offered and your kids were welcome to eat what they wanted to during "dinnertime" but not forever. We don't open up the kitchen later to kids who are hungry because they didn't eat their meal. Tough? Yep. Does it work? Yep!

Another Loving Limit might be: "We allow children sitting at the table to enjoy their food. Once you get up, it means you're done and your food goes away." This is really useful for parents of wiggly little ones who are learning what it means to sit. If we let them get up and run around and come back to the table when they want, they will learn there is no limit. It will take a meal or two for them to figure out their running around is making them hungry but it's worth the peace at the table for them to learn this in such a loving way. No lectures, just action and love.

But, you say, my kids whine when they are hungry and I feel terrible putting them to bed on a empty stomach! If you really, really can't completely close the kitchen (which is the preferred method) then find something really bland and boring that you know your kids will eat but not crave. My typical recommendation is using carrots or celery as a choice for kids who are hungry when the kitchen is closed. I used to offer my son Go-Gurt squeezable yogurt when he was young. I think that was a bit too nice and sweet but I didn't know L&L so you'll have to forgive me. :) In my defense, it never varied and I didn't have to cook another thing, plus it was quick.

DESSERT comments: Hmm... this is always a tricky one since many of us were raised with: "You won't get any dessert if you don't finish your dinner." I would try not to use threats but would turn it into a Loving Limit more positively by saying: "We allow children who've finished their dinner to enjoy dessert." You don't battle or bribe, just state the limit in a loving way, no pestering, no waiting for them to finish, simply move on to dessert and offer Empathy to those who chose to not finish their dinner. It would sound like: "This is so sad. I know how much you enjoy carrot cake. I'm sure tomorrow you'll do a better job with your dinner." Then you end the conversation. Yep, END it! No more talking. Feel free to comfort them as they cry and fuss but use Brain Dead and restate your Loving Limit again and again in an empathetic way.

I hope these ideas are useful to you. I've tried to highlight the Love and Logic techniques for you to show you how they flow together in real life situations. Feel free to email me if you need help weaving them together or hire me as a coach if you are really struggling.
​
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Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting Podcaster and Educator
Independent Facilitator of Parenting
​the Love and Logic Way™​

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