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​Podcast 42: Challenges with Boundaries

12/16/2021

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PODCAST LINK HERE

In a previous episode, #20, I talked about how setting boundaries and loving limits can help your family run more smoothly.  You communicate the boundaries up front in a loving way and you allow for consequences to happen when the boundaries are exceeded. It sounds so easy when I say that right?  Easier said than done.
 
A few days ago, I ran into a family who’d been to my classes and lectures and have been trying to implement good boundaries over the classic issue in all our homes – screen time!

They set up clear boundaries, 30 minutes a day for their 5th grade boy.  Their son knew the rule but the parents told me that just about every day as soon as he was done with his 30 minutes he immediately started asking for more time.  And he kept asking and asking and asking.  Dad felt their boundary worked about 75% of the time, meaning their son got no extra screen time,  but 25% of the time their son got more time.  Hmm… Mom and dad were not in agreement that the 75% was a good success rate – dad thought it was pretty good but mom thought they could do better.  However, both of them were in agreement about one thing -- that their son begging was really getting to them. 

Our kids are smart.  When we give in 25% of the time, we give them permission to ignore our boundaries which can easily lead to begging.  It works for our kid 25% of the time which is way better than 0% so why not try it?  That’s what goes on in our kids brains without them even having to think about it. 
 
What’s a parent to do?  How do you get beyond the begging for more when you have been quite clear about the limits?
 
There are two things I’d recommend.
  1. Use a simple phrase:  AND WHAT DID I SAY? 
    When they ask for more screen time, it would sound like: AND WHAT IS THE LIMIT?   Have them repeat the limit back to you then say nothing or, at the most, give them empathy that limits are hard.  Give them real empathy, “I’m sorry this is so hard on you.”


  2. Have consequences for complaining and whining about not liking whatever limit they don’t like.  Love and Logic recommends using ENERGY DRAIN when things like this happen that don’t have natural consequences.  It sounds like: “Wow, this is so sad, it really drains my energy when I keep getting asked for more screen time when you know you’ve already had your time for the day.  How would you like to put energy back in mom?”  Notice my calm voice with empathy.  I’m sad that they’ve crossed the line and need to put energy back. 

    Feel free to even be dramatic when they start asking for more screen time!  “Oh my!!!  My head… it’s awful… my whole body is draining of energy!  Ugh!  Being asked for more screen time is just the worst!  What are you going to do to help get my energy back?  I’ll go sit here on the couch to recover while you figure it out.”     


    I have a handy list nearby on my fridge or in my head of things they can do to replace the energy drained by their pestering me. It might be making dinner or sweeping the floor.  It could be dusting or putting lotion on my hands.  It is something your child does for you that they don’t normally do, possibly one of your regular jobs.  The idea is to get their brains off thinking about their selfish requests onto the impact their behavior has on other people.  This is true for all ages of kids!  2-year old’s might be dusting or vacuuming while 16-year old’s might be making dinner. 

    Here's a link to my Energy Drain Idea list.


    But what do you do if they won’t put your energy back?  This is where things get a little harder.  You’ll have to have something happen, a consequence, when they fail to put your energy back.  You need to know what your child’s currency is, what lever you have over things you do for them that they want you to keep doing.  Here are some ideas:
  • I drive kids to school who’ve put my energy back. 
  • I read books at bedtime to kids who’ve put my energy back.
  • I drive kids to the store to shop who’ve put my energy back.
  • I serve dinner to kids who’ve put my energy back.





If you’re able to ask for the replacement in a loving and consistent manner your kids should view you as fair and reliable even if they don’t always agree with the rules.  No yelling.  No long lectures, just empathy.  “This is so sad that you’re having trouble with boundaries.”  You do have to be prepared for a tantrum or two when you’ve had to use a lever to get them to put your energy back but, stay strong.  You can do it!
 
Why Boundaries Fail:
I just want to take a minute to go over a few more reasons why some of your boundaries might not be working in your home. 
  1. Boundaries are Undefined – this is where you think they should know them but you never actually said it out loud
  2. Boundaries are Too Flexible – this is what happened to my family with the screen time issue, the kids don’t know when mom and dad might enforce a limit but there are limits
  3. Boundaries have Too Much Negativity – when boundaries are always negative it makes kids want to rebel, there is a lot of “you can’t” do this or that
  4. Boundaries have no Consequences – you set a limit and then don’t do anything when the limit is broken
  5. Too Many Boundaries – this is when parents are trying to control way too many aspects of kids’ lives and the kids have no room to breathe, they are always breaking rules every 10 minutes since there are so many rules
 
How to Set Good Boundaries:
Now let’s do a quick review of how to set good boundaries:
  1. Define the Boundaries – I love to recommend families have Family Meetings to help define and set limits so no one is surprised and everyone has some input into the rules when it’s possible.
  2. Make it positive! You want to tell your kids what they CAN do, not what they CAN’T do. 
  3. Have Consequences - Kids need to know what will happen if they choose to disobey you or ignore you.
  4. Be Consistent – we talked about that already
  5. Be Reasonable - it’s great to make a list of Family Rules but be careful not create so many rules that the kids feel they don’t have choices and will start to rebel.  It’s best if you can incorporate ways for your kids to have a feedback loop especially when setting up new rules as your kids grow. 
  1. Be Calm and Loving – when our kids give us grief feel free to go braindead.  “Mom, this sucks that I can’t use screens when all my friends do all the time!”  Your response is: “I knooooooooowwww” in a boring, but loving tone.  You can always talk with your child at later time to ask for feedback if you get too much grief but not in the moment when their emotions are activated. 
 
I hope this was helpful. 

Here's a link to my other episode and the Energy Drain Idea List:
Episode 20 - Creating Calm with Boundaries and Limits
ENERGY DRAIN IDEAS
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Podcast 23: Gift Giving With a Glad Heart

12/3/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​​

Holidays and gift giving can bring about so much stress to families who are sucked into the commercialism of our current situation.  In this podcast I want to give you all some hints about making gift giving a more heartfelt experience not only from you as the giver but also how to create an attitude of gratitude in our kids who are receiving those gifts.  I’ll also go over some ideas about how to handle sibling-to-sibling giving as well as extended family situations which can easily get messy.  I’m recording this in the holiday season, but it really applies to gifting at birthdays, graduations or any other type of event. 

As I was researching, several articles offered a concept that I really thought could make gift-giving much simpler and less commercial.   It’s called the “Four Gift Tradition” where just four gifts are exchanged from parents to kids: something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read. Isn’t that sweet?  It sets an expectation of getting gifts but a clear limit on how many and that there are different categories, not just one category of “something you want” as happens in many families. 

I also came across a fabulous article by Kelly at Happy You, Happy Family™ called “The Most Meaningful Gifts for Kids Who Have Everything”.  I’m going to go over a few of her wonderful ideas but I want to encourage you all to read the full article that I’ll post in my show notes from www.happyyouhappyfamily.com.

First, you want to keep in mind that kids who already have all their needs met, they get bored with new stuff quickly.  Those toys we spent so much time, energy and money picking out frequently just move to the back of the closet within a month.  It’s so frustrating.  We feel our kids are so ungrateful or spoiled, right?  I remember buying the Star Wars BB-8 remote controlled robot and, after the first week, it just sat there.  Ugh!  What was I doing wrong?  It sure felt like I was wasting my money.  How could I improve my gift giving?

Kelly says, research shows that after a while the human brain gets used to new things. It adapts so much that the new things become not new pretty quickly.  Oh dear.  How do we counter that?  This is the part I love about Kelly’s article, it focuses on giving gifts that create memories and experiences!  We all might have tried a few art kits or construction kits over the years like I did when my boys were growing up, but I never really focused on gifts for creating memories and experiences, but I really should have. 

I’m going to run through some of the ideas from her article, see what resonates with you.  There are way more in the whole article, but I want to help get some ideas flowing.

The first fun one is Monthly Boxes of Fun.  There are lots of companies that offer some cool and creative kits to come once a month. You can select based on age and interests.  A few Kelly mentions are:
  • Kiwi Crate – really creative craft and building kits by age and topic
  • Little Passports – where a fictional penpal sends letters once a month from around the world and your child can track on a map where the penpal is that month
  • KidArtLit  - sends a hardcover picture book combined with art supplies for a family project that is related to the book
Cool!  Fun!

The next category is Conversation and Everyday Kits. The ideas are pretty simple and not expensive but involve some setup to get them to gift-wrapping stage.
  • Create a conversation kit you can have at the family dinner table every night.  Your kids can have fun pulling conversation ideas out of a mason jar or bowl.  Kelly sells printable cards, but you can also find other sets of cards to print yourself or make up your own to put in a decorated jar, box or bowl.  
  • Create a family playlist of favorite songs or dance songs or whatever category you choose.  If you have kids who are old enough, have your kids create playlists for each other or for a particular event coming up.  You can print the list out and put it in an envelope so there’s something to open.
  • Set up a journal for you and your child.  Pass it back and forth, writing notes and thoughts to each other each day or each week.
  • Write letters.  This one can create really wonderful memories and is one of my favorites.  Instead of shopping for gifts, take that hour and sit down to write a letter of gratitude and love for family members.  I’m talking paragraphs, not a simple card that just says, “Love you so much, Mom.”  Making time to slow down and really formulate loving thoughts about each other is such a precious gift. You can put them in envelopes in stockings or under the tree.  Easy.
 
When it comes to giving gifts that create memories besides writing letters, I think the winner is Activities with Time since these can build memories in ways that “stuff” can’t.  There are a few different ways to “gift” time, some are done inside the home, others outside. 

Family At-Home Time
These can be fun kits you put together that revolve around doing things at your home.
  • Movie Night in a Box – full of themed candy, popcorn and stuff to go with the movie
  • Game Night – pick a new game where you can all play with no electronics that you print invitations out for and include plenty of snacks and treats to eat while you play
  • Puzzles – my favorite!  Get a new puzzle or borrow someone’s where you just enjoy being together as you figure out where the pieces go
  • Garden Kit – wrap up a whole kit with things to grow, dirt and tools so you can plant together.  Pick out flower bulbs or plants or veggies that your kids love to watch grow. 
  • Fun Times coupon book– this one would be a booklet with things like “a pillow fight”, “staying up 30 minutes later”, “pick what’s for dinner” or “taking a mental health day from school”.
  • Teaching dates – if you have a special skill like wood working, knitting, baking, welding, painting, sewing, glass blowing, that your child is eying to do with you.  Set up a coupon for teaching them that skill.
Family Time with Places and Events Outside the Home
Many of us take our kids to events but we forget to make them special or seem like gifts.  Make a family event special by having a special announcement of it in a card or letter.  Let your kids open it to reveal what it is.  Here are some ideas that are in this category, some of them have to be done after COVID but I have to say that there are some cool virtual events to be had these days so search around the internet.
  • Take them to play
  • Take them to a movie or arrange to see the new releases that are being streamed as they come out
  • Watch a sporting event or other event together
  • Enroll in a class - take a class together where you both learn something new that you both want to learn 
  • Take a tour
  • Take a hike or do a scavenger hunt
  • Go on a camping trip
  • Give a gift of membership to their favorite museum
  • Set up a Splash Day or Mud Day – plan an event with invitations where the whole family can get soaking wet running through puddles, sit in the mud and make mud pies.  I’m talking really wet, dirty and something your family doesn’t normally do, not the everyday type play your kids might do on their own.  Something like a “cover dad in mud” challenge.
 
If you choose any of these “Activities with Time”, I’d encourage you to make sure you take plenty of photos so that you can cement the memories via an album or a screensaver in a place where everyone can see them.
I could go on and on, Kelly has a HUGE list of more ideas still.  Those are just to whet your appetite.
 
 
Don’t Forget Mom and Dad
I do want to move along and cover the other side of this gift giving experience. What about you?   I know I tend to think of myself last even though I spend hours thinking about what the rest of my family might need or want.  Some years were a little awkward when my family all got a load of gifts and there were a meager set for mom.  It made me ask myself, whose fault is that?  I was teaching them about taking but not about giving.  I had to up my own game and let them know that I was worth thinking about gifts for.  I decided I needed to tell them so that I could model for them what they should be doing at gift giving events like birthdays and holidays.  Our kids aren’t born knowing this stuff, so we need to communicate with them. 

When my boys got to high school and college, a time in their lives when they might be busy doing lots of other things with friends rather than with family, I went bold and put only two things on my Christmas list:
  1. A CD of some new Christmas music
  2. Time, opened ended to do what I wanted with them
What a joy and what great memories I was able to create with my Gift of Time presents.  One year I got to take a high school boy to a parenting lecture on sleep by a scientist and sleep expert.  There’s no way I could have given him an hour lecture on sleep but he gladly came with me and learned a lot.  He even asked a question from the audience of about 200 people.  Was that really a gift, you might ask?  Well, to me it was!

Another memory from my Gift of Time was going to Disneyland with just one son while he was in college in LA.  Yes, I had to fly to get there but it was worth it.  It poured but we slugged it out, buying cheap Mickey ponchos and wringing out our socks we were so drenched.   He took an entire day to be with just me.  It was so precious. 

What can you ask your family for?  What fun activity do YOU want to do with them?  That they can create a coupon for you?  Maybe a hike with no whining?  A trip to the beach?  Maybe they create a Christmas playlist on Pandora or Spotify for you?  Be creative!  Ask for experiences, acts of service or my favorite, a letter to you about the wonderful things they loved about you this past year.  If they can’t write yet, have them draw you and the family. 

However, I have to say you really, really need to model parent giving for your kids. While they are young, they need to be helped and encouraged in selecting gifts for parents.  What I mean is where dad helps them select presents for mom and mom helps them select presents for dad.  One young dad has had his young sons help him select a nice bracelet on Amazon after taking his boys looking at a shopping mall. 

Whatever you do, don’t just buy presents for your spouse, or any member of your family for that matter, and say that they’re from your kids, have them participate.  If writing a letter, making coupons or drawing pictures is what they decide to do, make sure they’re done and wrapped and ready for gift-giving time.  Model the love of giving!
 
Sibling Gifts
Now let’s move on to another gift giving topic.  Gifts for Siblings.  Our kids are trained to expect items from parents but what about getting gifts from siblings?  When and how do we encourage this?  I’d say at about 5 years old and beyond is a good time to help your kids figure out how to give gifts to each other.  You might give them the money to do this, but I would certainly give them a budget if you take that route.  If you happen to be following the money recommendations from my podcast on Money, they could use money from their Spend-Save-Share jar or, if they’re older, from their allowance. The most appropriate category would be to use the “Spend” part of their money since “Share”’s intension is to share outside the home but, do what you have to do. 

Have your kids agree on a spending limit or a type of gift like board games, books, or only handmade gifts so they are in the same ballpark.  Sometimes one child is overly generous, and another stingier child can take advantage of them, so a target limit is probably best. 
 
Grandparents and Extended Family Giving TO Your Kids
Next up is certainly a challenge for some families, gift exchanges with grandparents and extended families.  When you have young children, I think it’s best if you give clear gift giving guidelines for grandparents, aunts and uncles and other special family friends.  Set a dollar, quantity or size limit but try as hard as you can to be up front about what is reasonable. 

You all know I love Family Meetings.  I would actually gather those extended family members in person or on Zoom to discuss what’s reasonable.  If they are part of the decision making, then you might have more success in getting compliance than trying to say what you want and having it ignored.  Relatives ignoring our pleas for present limits is the most common problem I’ve heard, so try a Family Meeting to see if it helps.

Whether you talk about it in a Family Meeting or not, I would also encourage relatives to give experiences instead of physical gifts, something to look forward to in the future.  As kids get to be tweens and teens lots of families start in on the gift-card-exchange bandwagon because it’s easy and it’s something, but a special lunch with grandma could be more meaningful.  If grandma lives far away, get creative and have a Zoom lunch where grandma picks the menu and sends it ahead of time for them to eat together.  One of our family friends took our boys to Petroglyphs every year to paint a Christmas plate.  It was so special. 

If you have a difficult time with relatives who give an overwhelming number of gifts and they are NOT present at the holiday, then I’d encourage you to spread the gift opening out over time so that your kids aren’t overwhelmed and wind up ignoring the thoughtfulness of those who kindly shopped for them.

Large Families and Groups
The last category I wanted to touch on is large family groups and ideas about what to do.  I’m from a very large family and money was always tight which made gifts such a challenge.  However, I know lots of other people with extended families they feel they have to not only buy presents for everyone in the group but have to compete to give more expensive gifts than they can afford.  Here are some ideas for those of you in similar situations.  My first idea is to encourage moving everyone to pulling names from a hat and having a spending limit set.

As my family grew, we started out with pulling names but moved on to that Gift Exchange where we all brought the same dollar value gift and picked numbers to open gifts and could choose to steal from others or open a new gift.  Other families do White Elephant where you all bring something you have that you’re not using anymore and wrap it up and do the same number picking. 

When my siblings and I all started having kids, we all agreed that there wouldn’t be any sibling gifts, just gifts for the nieces and nephews.  Later, even the nieces and nephews drew names so there weren’t so many gifts.  Lastly, my siblings and I all decided we would save our money and go out to dinner or an event as a group later on the next year.  We were able to have some really fun experiences in the name of Christmas months after Christmas was over. 

The point of all of this is to bring some fun and creativity into the gift giving, to create memories of joy instead of a drudge of buying for 10 or 20 or 30 people presents they probably don’t really need or, sometimes, even want.
 
Fun Theme Holiday Giving
The last category I wanted to mention whether you use it for your immediate family or extended family is setting up a “theme” for your holiday where everyone participating uses that theme for giving.  You can do any of these with the Gift Exchange Swap I just mentioned. 

Here’s a quick list:
  • Board games
  • Books
  • DIY gifts – handmade by YOU
  • Event tickets
  • Gift cards/certificates
  • Handmade items – bought locally or online
  • Local products only
  • Movies and/or movie-themed gifts
  • Personalized items
  • Puzzles
  • Specialty food
  • Ugly Christmas sweaters
  • Wine and wine-themed gifts
  • Made in the USA
  • Anything blue (or whatever color you choose)​
Any of these ideas could make for some good laughs and memories. 

Say THANKS
Whatever happens with your family and gift giving make sure that if you or your child receive gifts that you all write letters of thanks to go with them.  These days even though an email of thanks is getting more acceptable, I still favor old-fashioned, hand-written notes.  It’s your job as a parent to model thanks as well as giving. 
​
I hope and pray some of these ideas will allow you to make any season of giving and receiving less stressful and more heartfelt.  It does take extra time and effort to set things up sometimes but it’s that extra effort than can make all the difference.
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Podcast 22: Gratitude vs. Entitlement

11/19/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​​

With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching we often drift to evaluate our parenting and ask ourselves if we’re raising children who are thankful.  Are we? 
 
Kids are self-centered from the get-go, no doubt about it. We have to teach them to be grateful for all that they have, all that we give them.  But, how on earth do we do that when there's so much taking and so little giving going on around us?  

First, I want to talk about entitlement – what it is and how it can grow out of control.  Then I’ll go over ideas on how to nurture an attitude of gratitude in your home.
 
Entitlement begins when we forget that our extracurricular activities and things that we have are privileges, not expectations. 
 
Simply put, it means that a person expects to be handed everything in life without having to work for it. They expect to treated better, they expect to have the best things and they expect others to provide it for them, because for one reason or another, they unrealistically think they deserve it.
 
Typically, we think of entitled children who are living on their parents’ couch in their 20’s, the ones who never get a job and won’t move out.  Right? They have all the internet they can possibly use, free food in the fridge and parents that cook and clean for them so there’s no need move out when there are only crummy jobs available anyway. 
 
That certainly sounds like an entitled child but, hey, what about if you have a younger child, maybe even a toddler.  What might that entitled child look like?  Hmmm….
In her book,  The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic, Amy McCready describes a younger child that needs everything her way, can only see her own needs, and doesn’t take ownership over her needs and wants. We always want to believe that’s not our kid.  In her book you come to realize that entitlement comes in the form of time and attention we give it’s not just materialistic things. You see, our kids demand our attention. They need us. They want us. They will do anything in their power to keep our attention and not allow us any time to ourselves.  Ouch… we might be making entitled kids after all even from an early age.  Let’s talk about a few ways to recognize entitlement in our homes.  I’m going to go over examples of 5 areas to look at:
  1. Giving instant gratification
  2. Rewards are expected­
  3. Boundaries are not respected
  4. Life is supposed to be “Fair”
  5. Providing constant entertainment

ENTITLEMENT AREAS
Let’s go into more detail on each of these areas of concern.
  1. Giving instant gratification
    • Every time our kids want something and we give it to them they come to expect whatever it is – a toy, a sandwich, picking them up, waking them up in the morning, picking up their clothes, giving them your phone while at a restaurant, tying their shoes, When our kids are shopping and they see a toy and have to have it NOW and we give in, that turns into entitlement.  They come to expect it.  Our whole societ