Blog

Dealing with "NO!"

5/1/2018

Do you hear "NO!" as a response in your home just a little too often? It can just drive us nuts especially if we're in a hurry and don't have time to deal with it.

Could you please take out the trash? .... NO!
Can you feed the dog while I'm making dinner?.... NO!
For the 18th time put away your shoes! ... NO!
Get off electronics! .... NO!

We want to avoid setting up ourselves for NO but can't always remember how to do that. Here are some hints:

HINT #1 - Use Choices
Would you like to take out the trash before dinner or before you start your homework?
Notice that "no" isn't one of the options?

Would you like to feed the dog while I make dinner or you make dinner while I feed the dog?

HINT #2 - Use Loving Limits
We let kids come to the dinner table who've put their shoes away.

We allow kids to use electronics who've finished their homework (or whatever other limit you've set).

We allow kids to use electronics who haven't been fighting with their siblings.

I drive kids to school who've brushed their teeth.

HINT #3 - Still Getting NO?
Sometimes even when we give choices or set a loving limit our kids still refuse to do what we ask. It's at this point where you should DELAY THE CONSEQUENCES.

In a really nice, sweet empathetic voice say, "No problem, I'll feed the dog. It really drains my energy though. I'll have to do SOMETHING about it." You don't know what you're going to do but you get to decide what that is at a later time, not right now. Just let it slide and think of a reasonable consequence when you're ready.

What might that be?
CHILD - "Mom, I'm all done with my homework, where is the iPad? I want to play my game now."
YOU - "This is so sad, I know how much you love playing after you do your homework. The iPad has been put away since my energy was too drained after you didn't get off electronics yesterday. Sorry. Would you like some ideas about how my energy might be put back?"

CHILD - "Mom, we need to go meet John at the Mall. He's waiting for us to shop for new basketball shoes."
YOU - "Wow, this is so sad. I really don't have the energy to drive to get new basketball shoes. I used up all my energy taking out the trash and putting away your other shoes for you. Maybe some other time after you've put some energy back in me. There's a list on the fridge, feel free to pick one and let me know when you're done. "

Monopoly Game and Setting Limits

1/8/2018

Why is it that we allow our kids to manipulate us so easily sometimes? We are so easily lulled in by anything from their cute smiles to their homework load, aren't we?

One way to get things under control in our lives is to use LOVING LIMITS and LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES. When we tell our children what we will do and stick to our guns with loving consequences we can really get great things done.
I LOVE this real story from a couple in my class. It'll give you a feel for how to interweave multiple skills at one time as well. Enjoy!

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So it was a weekend evening and my 5-year-old son Danny had been asking us all day to play Monopoly Jr. We finally told him he could start setting it up and we’d play right after dinner.

While he was happily sorting out all the money and pieces, his younger 4-year-old brother, Kevin, came along and started messing up his work. I let Danny try to handle it, but after a few minutes, I could tell there was going to be quite a problem. I told Kevin my LOVING LIMIT that we would only allow boys that were being kind to play out in the living room and that he would need to play somewhere else.

Then my husband came up with the idea that Kevin shouldn’t get to play the game with us. That would be a much bigger and logical consequence for him that would hopefully make a bigger impact than just being sent away.

So we didn’t mention anything during dinner. Afterwards, when we were getting all excited and ready to play, I broke the news to Kevin. I put on my EMPATHETIC face and told him that this was so sad, but he wouldn’t be able to play the game with us since he was messing up the pieces earlier. He was crushed and immediately started crying hysterically. We told him that we’d be happy to have him still hang out in the room with us and watch as long as he was calm. He surprisingly calmed himself down quickly. We thought that if he could watch us play, it would make an even bigger impact on him as he could see what he was missing out on. It was definitely hard for him to watch us playing without him and I’m hoping the lesson really sank in for him.

The whole thing was difficult for me to follow through on because I hate seeing my child being left out and sad. But I know that a small investment now and an affordable mistake on his part can go a long way in the decisions he makes in the future. I’m thankful for my husband’s leadership in this area too, it was his idea and I’m glad we were able to work together to make a big impression on little Kevin.

Food Battles: Let's Win!

10/3/2017

Are you tired of trying to get your kid to eat something healthy? Is it veggies? Maybe they only eat fruit? Or bread?

Or does your kid eat but not WHEN you want? By the time you sit down is your kid out of their chair, running around? Do you give them snacks long after the meal is done since you're worried they didn't eat enough?
Sometimes we just want to pull our hair out because our kids are driving us crazy not eating WHAT we want them to eat or not eating WHEN we want them to. Ugh! Sooo infuriating!
The list of battles we can have with our kids over food is endless!
Here are some really practical tips on how to "win" your food battles.

"WHAT" THEY EAT BATTLE
#1 - Offer Healthy Choices: Your game plan here is to provide lots of healthy choices and let them choose. If they are hungry, they will eat. They might skip a dinner or two or not eat veggies much for a year or so but, eventually, if you are patient and don't battle them on it, their bodies will want food. You just offer good stuff!

Should you cook separate meals for them? The answer is "no" with the exception that you should offer at least one item that you feel pretty confident that your kids will eat. In my house, I knew one would eat green beans and the other broccoli so I tried to offer those pretty frequently along with a protein plus a starch they liked - potatoes, rice or bread. When we moved up the tastebuds to include Caesar Salad as they got older, it became a staple. The food choices were more bland than I preferred but it was food I liked enough and knew they would eat.

"WHEN" THEY EAT BATTLE
#2 - Set Loving Limits for When Food is Offered: You need a different tactic than you use with the "WHAT" battle. You need to set Loving Limits on when food is served and what happens when one leaves the dinner table. The Loving Limit would be along the lines of: "I serve dinner for 30 minutes." (or 5 or 15... whatever your family needs!) At the end of the allotted time, the dinner goes away. There were only healthy choices offered and your kids were welcome to eat what they wanted to during "dinnertime" but not forever. We don't open up the kitchen later to kids who are hungry because they didn't eat their meal. Tough? Yep. Does it work? Yep!

Another Loving Limit might be: "We allow children sitting at the table to enjoy their food. Once you get up, it means you're done and your food goes away." This is really useful for parents of wiggly little ones who are learning what it means to sit. If we let them get up and run around and come back to the table when they want, they will learn there is no limit. It will take a meal or two for them to figure out their running around is making them hungry but it's worth the peace at the table for them to learn this in such a loving way. No lectures, just action and love.

But, you say, my kids whine when they are hungry and I feel terrible putting them to bed on a empty stomach! If you really, really can't completely close the kitchen (which is the preferred method) then find something really bland and boring that you know your kids will eat but not crave. My typical recommendation is using carrots or celery as a choice for kids who are hungry when the kitchen is closed. I used to offer my son Go-Gurt squeezable yogurt when he was young. I think that was a bit too nice and sweet but I didn't know L&L so you'll have to forgive me. :) In my defense, it never varied and I didn't have to cook another thing, plus it was quick.

DESSERT comments: Hmm... this is always a tricky one since many of us were raised with: "You won't get any dessert if you don't finish your dinner." I would try not to use threats but would turn it into a Loving Limit more positively by saying: "We allow children who've finished their dinner to enjoy dessert." You don't battle or bribe, just state the limit in a loving way, no pestering, no waiting for them to finish, simply move on to dessert and offer Empathy to those who chose to not finish their dinner. It would sound like: "This is so sad. I know how much you enjoy carrot cake. I'm sure tomorrow you'll do a better job with your dinner." Then you end the conversation. Yep, END it! No more talking. Feel free to comfort them as they cry and fuss but use Brain Dead and restate your Loving Limit again and again in an empathetic way.

Battle Time!

5/4/2017

It's amazing how easily battles can heat up in a home. One wrong word said, one sassy look, one sibling spat can really send us over the edge!
It's really helpful to go through our tool chest of parenting skills so that we can keep the battle under control so... let's see what we have:

BRAIN DEAD - This is key! DON'T REACT! When your kid is whining, nagging or resisting, don't give in to letting what might be boiling inside of you come out. Your child benefits from you being out of control so... don't! Take a breath and/or get yourself out of the vicinity of your child if you have to but... keep a lid on your emotions.

CHOICES - Kids want control and they often have very little of it. When you are able, give them as many choices as possible. Remember, you only give choices you like though and not too many.
Would you like to go to baseball practice with your uniform on or change at the field?
Would you like water with ice or without ice?
Would you like to hop to the car or skip?
Would you like me to help with your spelling words or would you like to do it yourself?
Would you like chicken or burgers for dinner tonight?

SETTING LIMITS - When we are inconsistent in how we parent our kids pick up on it right away and use it against us. Have you been setting a limit and then not following through? I was in the store today in line behind a mom with a 4 year old. The mom kept telling her daughter to stop going into the bins yet the mom never followed up. Her daughter had free reign to do just about anything. Boy, was that annoying to watch! You'd be proud of me, I didn't say a thing.

Doing Laundry When Moms Do It "Wrong"

9/30/2016

It's been fun hearing parents claim their independence from kids who criticize us. Read this story from a mom who put her foot down!

About a week after we had concluded the L&L class my 13 year old got upset with me for putting a sweater of hers in the washing machine and was super rude about it to me. In the back of my mind I had been thinking about what you said about kids washing their own clothes by the time they got into high school. So when she was rude (I admit I was a little angry with my reply and did not smile like I should have when I said it) I told her that I would be happy to show her how to use the washing machine and that from now on she could wash her own clothes and that this way she would not have the problem of me washing her clothes "wrong. " I told her she could let me know when she wanted me to teach her but I would no longer be washing her clothes.

Well, the week went by and the next weekend I did not wash her clothes. I knew she would forget about me not washing her clothes and I did laundry all weekend like I usually do but I did not include her clothes. Well, on Monday morning she came to me and said indignantly, "Mom, didn't you wash any black clothes this weekend?" This time I was calm and ready and I told her that I had washed black clothes that weekend just not hers and I reminded her that I was no longer washing her clothes. What?!! I got the "waste of water" argument and on and on but I told her I was willing to waste the water for no problems about the wash between us and that more important this way she is in control of what gets washed and when. She has worn a few things dirty and has dug into her closet and worn some of her old clothes over the past few weeks but she is learning how to wash on her own and also washes things by hand on occasion because she does not want to do a whole load.

It is hard for me because I hate wasting water and I especially hate "not doing for her" but we are making our way on this : )

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I truly believe that teaching our kids to do their own laundry as early as 4th or 5th grade is an amazing character builder but at least by middle school or high school we should transition this responsibility to them. It teaches them not only to do laundry but if we hold back and don't nag them about WHEN then they can learn a HUGE life lesson and figure out the organizational and follow through skills they will need for such a task when they are adults.

"I Know" is a Powerful Statement -- even for toddlers and preschoolers

3/2/2016

Here is what one amazing mom of preschoolers was able to do in the grocery store. Imagine! Sometimes it can be a real battle zone to be in public but being consistent really makes a difference.
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This morning was the grocery trip where I could really put my new skills to the test! My kids are generally cooperative and I use a lot of mommy skills like distraction, helping me with the list, and moving through the store quickly and making it fun.

I explained to my 4.5 yr old, who walks beside me and the cart, how the shopping trip was going to go like usual. As soon as we entered the store he saw something that caught his attention. He stopped to look. I said "Sam (not the child's real name), please come with me. I need you to help me pick out some bananas." I kept walking toward the bananas and he followed me without a fuss. We were in the produce area and it so happened we saw a mom and daughter who was older than Sam, and the daughter was throwing a fit, even hitting her mom yelling. Sam said, "Mom, she is being really loud. She needs to be quiet in the store. She's not happy." It's so funny that he recognized that and saw that he was behaving opposite.

As Sam saw things in the store he liked that we weren't buying, I continued with the empathetic "I know" and kept moving. When we got to the check out, Sam saw a candy he wanted and showed me. I said, "I know you want it, but we aren't getting that today." After only 2 "I knows," he put it back without a fuss! Walking to the car I told the boys how proud of them I was and that they did a great job listening at the store!

Using "I know" and Going Brain Dead on Smart Kids -- Can It Backfire?

9/8/2015

This mom has a smart kid... don't we all! Going brain dead and keeping calm is what we're trying to do when we keep repeating "I know". Sometimes parents are challenged when we want to laugh at what happens. wink emoticon
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I was getting my son ready for bed. He said, "I want X" and I said that we weren't going to do that tonight. He said, "But I want X" and I said "I know" and then he said it again and I said I know again. The funny thing was that he followed me and he said "Well, since you know, then can you come over and do X."

I thought it was so clever I almost gave in, but stayed strong!

"Keep on Truckin" and Calm Mommy

9/8/2015

This mom is busy, busy and was struggling until she started getting some new skills. Read on to hear how keeping calm and setting expectations really helped keep moms energy from being drained.

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I've been using this on my 2 year old son who runs everywhere!! We were at the park (he and I) had to use the restroom and usually have to chase him down to get him to follow me. He said he wanted to see the train but I said I needed to use the restroom. I said "aaaaah lets go to the bathroom first and see the train after." I turned and started walking to the bathroom and instead of running to get him he said "oh-Tay" and followed me to the bathroom! It was awesome!! It's the small things. Didn't react and get mad or chase him like he wants me to.

Also I've been asking my 4 year old who likes to talk baby talk to talk to me in a voice mommy likes to hear and she immediately changes her tone and voice. Crazy!!
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Natural Consequences and Brain Dead on a Car Drive

8/11/2015

One dad had a brave story to tell of how to let his young son make decisions and live with the consequences. It was a bit nerve racking but this dad did it!
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I got to use the skills in the car ride home, after I had asked my son, 4 years old, if he needed to go potty before we left an event we were at. He said no, as usual. But 500 feet after leaving in the van, he said he had to go potty really bad.

This was a challenging moment to work in some natural consequences. I wondered if I was willing to clean up the mess if he didn't make it – realistically, about 20 minutes. It would have not been much hassle to turn around and let him go in the church restrooms.

Staying calm, I told him I'd look for a place that he could go potty, but that there were none around and he'd probably have to hold it. I gave him some words of encouragement. "You can do it, pal." I did this a couple times, but mainly practiced my brain dead responses to his painful squawks, which were designed to communicate this was it! …That he just couldn't hold it anymore!

I certainly was feeling empathy for him. Man, that's not comfortable. But this is a pattern for him. He loves to say he doesn't have to go and gets himself into these situations.

It was an interesting 20 minutes. He made it just fine. It was good for me not to get sucked into his drama, and drive calmly toward home. I really don't know if he learned a lesson this time, but I'm sure in those harrowing moments, or in the bathroom at home, some thoughts fired.
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When we helicopter our kids when they make poor decisions (not going to the bathroom) the kids really don't learn any decision making skills when we allow them to change their minds at the drop of a hat (turning the car around). I don't want you to think this is harsh, it works the same if your kid says they aren't cold and won't take a coat with them or they aren't hungry when dinner comes. As long as the situation isn't life threatening (unaffordable) we as parents need to restraint from making our kids lives perfect just because we know better.

Helpful Fathers and Natural Consequences

6/20/2015

Sometimes the helpful encouragement of a father who has learned the L&L techniques can push a family in the right direction. Here's a nice reflection on how fathers can really help when BOTH parents can lend a hand as we parent.
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I love having us on the same parenting page! Less stress! Love him for being such a hands on dad! This has given him so much parenting confidence.

Here's his story:

I am redoing our twin's room and let the girls pick out fabric and I would make the bedding.
When I was done, one of our girls regretted her fabric choice.
When I told my hubby I was going to start one bedding over he says: "She's buying the next fabric, right?"
I was so thrilled that he's on board that, of course, I said "yes!" even though I wasn't planning on charging her.
My kids are so used to this technique that my daughter didn't even flinch when I told her she had to work to earn her new fabric.

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Yeah for this dad! He was thoughtful and could see that the natural consequence that mom had missed was for their daughter to pay for the fabric. Brilliant! Another pair of eyes and ears in the house. Yeah! Go dad!