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Podcast 54 - Gifts and Grandparents: How to Tame Them

12/7/2022

1 Comment

 
With the holiday season fast approaching I wanted to take a few minutes out to support your parenting in a different way than normal.   We’re going to talk about YOUR parents and how to manage them.  Kids are hard enough but some of you struggle with grandparents and relatives who all have great and well-meaning hearts but who create unwanted issues when they deluge your kids with gifts. 

Last year I did a podcast called “Giving with a Glad Heart”, episode 23, that talked about gift giving; both giving gifts to your kids as well as the kids to each other and it touched on dealing with relatives.  However, when working with a group of young families from my church recently I was taken aback with how much distress grandparents as well as well-meaning aunts and uncles put a damper the notion of gift giving in some families.  My husband and I had parents who were very restrained in their giving so we really never had to deal with what I’m calling the Gift Monster to give a name to the elephant in the room.  In some families it’s big and can really cause a lot of problems that young parents don’t know how to tame.   What am I talking about?  See if you can see your own situation in the following Gift Monster descriptions:
  • The Robber: This is where you feel robbed of being able to give gifts to your own kids due to others wanting to give and taking up the prized items that you would like to be the one to give them.  Grandpa really wants to give them the latest Xbox or a new bike which was exactly what you were planning to do.  Then what are you left with?  Grandpa is doing this out of love so we can’t fault him for that but it just doesn’t feel right, we feel robbed.

  • The Pressure Cooker:  This Monster wants to pressure you into coming up with lists of things your kids need.  Holidays are enough pressure with travel and parties and shopping that having relatives bugging us for detailed lists can stress some of us out.  Some of you are great at making those lists but some of us aren’t and it adds to holiday stress not to mention the predicament that your kids might not need much and you have to make up gifts just to have something on a list.

  • The Gift Mix Up: This is where the person who gives the gifts isn’t a person anymore in the eyes of our kids, they get mixed up that there’s a person behind the gifting who loves them.  The relationship is one only based in gifts, not in a relationship with the giver.  If grandma always arrives with a gift, grandma thinks she’s getting love when those eyes light up but as kids get older and entitlement creeps in, and if the gifts stop or aren’t the ones expected then people like Grandma can be really hurt. 

  • The Family Values Victim:  You know the times when someone gives your kids a gift that you and your spouse have banned from your home due to family value choices?  Some of us decide that eco-friendly goods, non-branded toys or gender-neutral toys are what we want for our kids.  Or maybe we don’t want to introduce certain electronic devices into our kids’ lives until a certain age.  Our values can fall victim to well-meaning relatives who just want so show their love with the latest and greatest amazing toy or device that just became available.  They’ve waited in line for hours just to get the first Xbox or iPhone or whatever out of LOVE for you and your kids.  How can you say no when they show up with such a sacrificial gift? 

  • Creativity Criminal: Studies that show how too many toys harms creativity in kids.  I’ll include some links to articles from Psychology Today and Today’s Parent. The articles remind me how one of my sons always wanted yet-another-Lego-set.  He had plenty of Lego bricks but those sets are so alluring to a kid, why create when you can just build something beautiful based on a plan laid out for you?  Good job for the Lego company, not so good for creativity.  We need a few empty boxes with some markers and scissors once in a while, don’t we?

  • Numbness St. Nick:   One story I read about was an adorable little girl who was numb from opening up so many gifts at Christmas with all the relatives sitting around watching for her reaction.  She’d smile like a robot and say thanks to put aside that present and move to the next present.  Last Christmas I got to spend with some extended family and see grandkids opening their third set of gifts for the day.  While it was exciting, there were only one or two gifts the kids really paid attention to. 

  • Entitlement Enemy: Over time this Gift Monster can create mini monsters out of our kids.  Feelings of entitlement can start to ooze out when they don’t get exactly what they want.  Hopefully that won’t be you but, over time, it’s a possible long-term unwanted outcome.

  • Clutter King: The last “gift” our Gift Monster leaves for us is a home littered with stuff.  This leads many of us to design special storage systems to sort different types of items and make regular runs to Salvation Army and Good Will.  Our relatives mean well but do they have any idea where we’ll put all this stuff!
    ​
Did you see your life being consumed by any of those Gift Monsters?  If so, listen on to what can you do.  Now that you’ve named your Gift Monster, how do you tame it? 

SOLUTIONS


HAVE A CONVERSATION IN A FAMILY MEETING:
First and foremost, you need have a conversation to set boundaries.  Just like you do with your kids, I’m going to suggest holding a Family Meeting with Relatives. 
In this case, you’re going to flip the audience from your kids to your parents or your spouse’s parents, feel free to include any other relatives that need reigning in. 
  • If both sets of parents are needing boundaries you can arrange for one meeting but it might be two different meetings, or more meetings if there are divorced parents involved.  The point here is not to have a casual conversation with anyone.
  • Take them to lunch or dinner if they’re local.  Hire a babysitter to give you dedicated time to talk or have your spouse watch the kids while you go out if you can’t afford one.  Be in a public place if you have a feeling they might over react.  People usually are more restrained in public places. 
  • If they are not local then set up a Zoom call or phone call after your kids are in bed. 
  • You and your spouse should spend a few minutes drafting up some talking points especially if you think you’re going to get a bunch of push back.
 
DEFINE THE PROBLEM
At the meeting…
  • Rule #1 – make sure you let all your gift givers know they are loved and appreciated!  They are special and you need to treat them with as much care as you possibly can.
  • Explain your challenges with the Gift Monster in your life to them, whichever one is plaguing you whether it’s the Clutter King, Creativity Criminal or Numbness St. Nick.
  • You need to communicate what the “problem” is. It might sound something like: “Our kids are learning that the world is made of material things.  We want them to learn to love you as people through time and attention, not things.  Gift giving has gotten out of control and we need your help in reigning things in.” 
 
SET CLEAR AND FIRM BOUNDARIES
  • Have some ideas about what you’d like to have done so that there are CHOICES.  Have them pick and choose and compromise for what can work in your situation.  It might look like:
    • Only experience gifts like movie passes, tickets to the zoo, annual passes to a children’s museum or water park
      • I want to confess my strong bias for giving the gift of time.  There’s nothing like a date with grandma and grandpa for relationship building especially if some special activity is involved. 
    • Gifts of lessons – swimming, art, dance, piano, whatever they’d like to learn
    • Donations to a college fund
    • Coupon book with for sleepovers at Grandmas, a paint-your-nails party at Aunt Linda’s, sand castle building with Grandpa, or riding bikes to get frozen yogurt
    • Books! As many as they want!
    • Or set a limit of how many gifts per child and a physical size limit
    • Or, another favorite that I love for just your immediate family but you might like for grandparents is the FOUR GIFT TRADITION: Something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read.  Love it!  Four gifts.  Simple.
  • Whichever solution you come up with, you need to be really firm in your boundaries and define consequences.  What might they be?  Here are a few ideas:
 
DEALING WITH BOUNDARY VIOLATORS
  • Feel free to have follow up Family Meetings to clarify when things don’t go as you planned
  • Intercept the Gifts at the door whether it’s holidays or birthdays
  • Open Gifts later instead of in front of the relatives, they can sit under the tree and just wait for everyone to leave
  • Return gifts and put the money into college funds or other savings
 
BOUNDARIES STORIES
I have two amazing young moms who’ve tackled their Gift Monsters head on and they work to this day.
  1. Toy Limit Family – this family lives in a beautiful and natural environment and wanted to promote the outdoors and creativity.  Their family toy rule is that each of their two sons are allowed four toys each.  The relatives can give as many toys as they’d like but for each toy that comes in one goes out to a local shelter.  Ouch.  That’s a tough one especially when my girlfriend was the grandma.  The couple was totally strict about their rule.  Grandma was generous with her time anyway but now she didn’t have the pressure to buy toys and tee shirts on vacation since she knew that it was her time and being creative that was her real gift.  All that I can say is… AMAZING and brave of that family.  Love it!
  2. How Christmas is Celebrated – this young couple knew that boundaries needed to be set when they got married, yes, married.  They told both sets of parents that they will be spending Christmas Eve services at their own church and would always be celebrating in their own home on Christmas morning.  However, they would always be willing to go to visit after that.  My friend said their families thought that was a bit harsh when they didn’t even have kids yet but, 14 years later and with 3 kids, it’s turned out really well.  They definitely make sure both sets of grandparents get equal access, but the firm and loving boundaries and consistency has kept their relations with all relatives really solid.  Communication was the key.
As I finish this podcast with you, I do want to give you some wise words.  Take it slow.  Take in what you’ve learned, work on just one part at a time or one side of the family at a time.  Maybe, for you, it will be to plant a seed for next year that maybe things can be different instead of upsetting the apple cart this year.  It’s all ok.  At least you might know now that you’re not the only one who has a Gift Monster to tame and, hey, you might never tame it but know that there’s empathy and love for having to get through each season.  If you have a story you’d like to tell me about, I’d love to hear about it!  If you want advice, I’m here for you.  Just email me mary@parentingdecoded.com.

I hope you’ve found some ideas that can help tame your Gift Monsters into loving and warm Gift Angels so that you and your kids can enjoy a lifetime of enchanted moments with all those who love them. 
1 Comment

Podcast 52: Manners - Chewing Food

9/5/2022

1 Comment

 
AUDIO PODCAST HERE

There’s nothing more gross in my mind than sitting and eating with an adult who eats with their mouth open. I had a colleague at work years ago who did it so often it was talked about behind his back and some people avoided having lunch with him.  Yikes!  He was in his late twenties!  I think we all fear that our kids will grow into such food spewing adults who are avoided like the plague but, what do we do?  Some of you have kids who are already tweens or teens which makes the challenge harder but, in this blog post, we’ll go over some ideas on how you can do a course correction no matter what the age.
 
I do have to start out saying that, like just about every parenting issue, the earlier you start the easier things will be in the long run.  Preschool is a great time to start manners training but don’t be discouraged if you have older kids. 

 1 – Talk about it. 
Communicating with your family expectations about any activity you do is really key so put chewing food into that same category.  It’s a Life Skill you need to teach.  You need to explain the both why they need to chew with mouths closed and what that looks like so that everyone is on the same page. 
You can have small discussions with just one child during a meal or, if you feel you haven’t been clear with your entire family, then have a Family Meeting and talk about chewing manners.  Here are some ideas in how to approach chewing food. 
 
  • Start with BASIC SKILLS: Some kids shove too much food in their mouths so practice taking small bites.  Go over what sized pieces are expected for different types of foods.  Include examples of foods you grab with your hands like pizza and apples vs. a bowl of cereal or pasta.  You could give everyone a knife and have them cut whatever it is into bite-sized pieces to make sure the learning is going well. 

  • Next, include some FUN AND GAMES: You can play games where kids earn points, be creative and a little crazy.  When you have fun, learning can really settle in without being a burden.
    • Make a game out of cutting up food into the right bite-sized pieces, use a ruler or other marking system on plates to figure it out
    • How about chewing so many times before swallowing – 5 chews, 10 chews, set different numbers and get feedback to find the ideal number as a family
    • Or, use a timer for keeping track of chewing with the mouth closed for a certain amount of time. Little kids love setting timers so let them set away for each other!  Keep score.
    • You could be brave and have kids purposely try to talk with food in their mouths while they try to hide the food from being seen by others.  See how much food that is, keep track of the sizes that each kid can successfully hide and talk or say some silly nursery rhyme.   
    • You could also do the opposite of trying to hide the food by having everyone stuff a bit too much food in their mouths and try to talk, maybe you’d want to do this at a picnic table in your backyard since it might get messy.  You also want to make sure no one chokes on it by overdoing it so please be careful if you decide to go this route. 
    • I think you get the idea of chewing games so let’s move on. 

  • You can use USE BOOKS: There are actually books to read for younger kids that can help!  Two favorites for toddlers and preschoolers seem to be “How Dinosaurs Eat Their Food” and “Dinner with Olivia”. 

  • Now, my favorite, SET UP SIGNALS: Those of you who follow my podcasts have heard of other examples of setting up signals in your home for things like anger issues.  I love them!  In this case, once you have the basics down decide with your family what signal you all could use when someone is chewing with their mouth open.  It’s wearing on us all to keep saying things verbally like: “Ann, please chew with your mouth closed.” We start out patient and loving but sometimes it pushes us over the edge and we get triggered and wind up with something like: “If you don’t stop chewing with your mouth open, you’re going to your room!”.  So, what signal could you use?  Here are some ideas but keep in mind that choosing as a family is going to be most effective so use these just as idea starters.  
    • You could tap your fork on your plate gently once for child #1, twice for child #2, etc. 
    • Or maybe you tap your hand on the top of your head or tap your nose.  
    • You could also just do something simple like putting your hand over your mouth.
    • Have a small stuffed animal sitting at the table that gets passed to the person needing reminding.
       
  • Whatever you do, CONSISTENCY is super key: Once you’ve communicated and agreed as a family what eating habits are acceptable it’s really important that you follow through.  This will take time and it will be repetitive but you need to keep it loving and kind in addition to being consistent.  Do not give up!

  • Now, for the harder part, having CONSEQUENCES: What do you do if things just aren’t working out for one of your kids?  Maybe you have an older child and they’re just being defiant or spiteful.  Whether your child is young or old you need to agree that there will be consequences for poor eating behaviors.  Possible options include removing the child from the dinner table, making them eat alone or taking away a fun toy or activity.  Listen to my podcast #10 if you need help setting up effective and loving consequences.  You might also listen to my last podcast #51 about dealing with kids who drain your energy if the issue persists.

  • Lastly, there could be MEDICAL ISSUES involved:  I don’t want to leave this topic without covering one more thing about chewing and open mouths.  Some kids have real breathing issues that make it difficult to chew.  They could have overgrown adenoids or tonsils, inflammation of the epiglottis or a throat infection that interfere with chewing.  Toddlers and preschoolers probably fall into this more than older kids but have your pediatrician take a look.
    ​
I hope you found this discussion useful and hopefully you can see how a lot of these can be applied to any table manners you’re struggling with – using utensils, leaning back on chairs, reaching too far across the table and spilling things, not clearing the table, whatever.  You need to establish some family guidelines and then follow through in a loving manner. 
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Podcast 47: Manners Lesson #1 – Please

4/5/2022

2 Comments

 
AUDIO PODCAST HERE:  Episode 47

A few months ago, I asked my FB group what areas they needed help with in the manners department.  I was thinking of the “please” and “thank you” kind of manners, you know the ones that included sending thank yous to people who gave you gifts.  However, I got a whole list of ones that weren’t even in my brain any more now that my boys are grown and out of the house.  The parents sent in all sorts of requests:
  • How to handle interruptions (this was the most requested one!)
  • How to get kids to say please and thank you for meals
  • Using “excuse me” when interrupting
  • Dealing with table manners including the “eating with your mouth open” offense
Yikes!  I thought this would be a breeze of a podcast.  Well, it’s clearly a larger topic than I’d anticipated so I’ve decided to do a series of podcasts on manners so that I can delve deep and you can pick and choose the areas that you need most help on so here goes!
 
The basics of manners is about teaching kindness and thoughtfulness of others, to allow our kids to see outside their often times very selfish world.  Our mission as parents is to grow our children into people who are thoughtful, respectful and conscientious and manners are part of our responsibility in getting them there.   This first lesson is about how to instill one of those foundational magic words into your kids – “please”.
 
PLEASE
How do you incorporate “please” into your family?  Here are my ideas:
  • Start young: I would very start young.  There’s baby sign language for please.  If you have a small baby, use it!  You can do a google search and find lots of resources for it. 
  • With Older Kids Set Family Rule: A lot of you know that I think communication is really helpful and I love Family Meetings for doing that.  If you have been struggling with “please” and other manners, hold a Family Meeting.  It should be short and sweet.  I wouldn’t lecture but I’d make a short statement about how in our home we treat each other with respect and using “please” and “thank you” are pillars of respect.  Let them know how you’re going to start by encouraging the use of “please” in a consistent manner. Ask your kids what they think, listen to their feedback and you can schedule more meetings as you move through different manners. 
  • Practice! What does the dialog sound like? Well, in my home my routine was, when asked without a “please”, I would nicely say “And how do you say that nicely?”  Then, if the child just said: “Please.” I would then say: “How do you say that in a full sentence?” I not only required this of my own boys but also their friends who were over constantly.  I was even handed, not forcing just my own boys but the boys they were playing with to treat me with respect. 
    • Using a full sentence request
      • Mrs. Eschen, can I have some gold fish?
      • Sure, and how do you say that nicely?
      • Please
      • Nice try, how do you say that in a full sentence?
      • Please can I have some gold fish?
      • Of course, here they are. 
    • “Excuse me?” One mom when asked for something without manners set up a signal for her kids and that was: “Excuse me?”
      • Mom, I need to go to the store to get poster paper for tomorrow! 
      • Her reply was:  Excuse me?
      • Mom, may we please go to the store to get poster paper for my project for tomorrow?
  • Upgrade for Older Kids: As your child gets older you can incorporate “may I please” into your phrasing to upgrade their speech into a more formal and respectful tone. So, in our example it would be “May I please have some goldfish?” or “Please may I have some goldfish?”.  You get the idea. It’s subtle but certainly an upgrade.  Have a Family Meeting to talk about the need for an upgrade.  Keep explaining that this is a Life Skill you are teaching, not a method of getting them to submit to our will for no apparent reason.  People want to be with people who treat them with respect, that’s why we’re upgrading.  It’s practice for life!
  • Role Play: I gave you some examples already but I think that the use of role playing can be incorporated to hone your family’s skills while having some fun.  Learning should be fun so put on your thinking caps and even incorporate your kids into the brainstorming of how to do that if you can.  One idea might be to set up a special dinner with special plates and lots of different dishes on the table that have to be passed around.  Then practice while you eat!  “John, may I please have the rice.” “Andrea, please pass the mac and cheese.” Over exaggerate the whole meal!   Maybe you have a special “Please” Meal once a week for a while?  Maybe you have a “Please” Breakfast on the weekend?  Or a “Please” Game night where you have to ask for the dice nicely each time.  Come up with a few ideas and try them out. 
  • Consistency is Key: What can make all this work? Consistency!  Yep, I said it took 10 years and I’m not kidding.  I was loving and kind.  I didn’t nag.  I didn’t lecture.  I just waited for the correct response and then, and only then, did they receive what they were asking for. 
  • Model What You Want to See: Modeling the behavior you want to see is hugely beneficial to your quest for any behavior but especially in the area of respect and manners.  You being kind and using “please” will complete the loop.  Your kids notice what you do.  They are little sponges.  They will know if you are sincere and true to this quest for good manners.  Be it.  Live it.  Because, if you don’t, by the time your kids are tweens or teens you’d be amazed at how they seem to join the Hypocrite Police and will start throwing your poor manners right back at you.
  • Leverage The Please: Keep in mind that you have leverage with “please” since it happens BEFORE something your kids want.  If your kids want something it means you have currency to trade.  If it’s help with math or washing their favorite pair of jeans or playing a game, you know their brain is in an open mindset to listen since they want something from you.  Seize the day!  Ask for the please and you’ll get it. 
  • Other Ways to Give Kids Feedback: I just wanted to throw out a few other ideas for how to request the “please” in your home, just for variety.  Remember to always use a loving and gentle tone:
    • You’re missing the magic word
    • What’s that magic word again?
    • I can’t hear you when you ask like that.
    • Lastly, if they ask rudely for something give them a choice, you know how I love choices too, they can ask nicely or encourage them to solve their own problem if they don’t want to.  For example, if they say “I need some milk!”, your reply might sound like: “You can ask for it politely or try to get it on your own.”  Just make sure if they are sassy back at you and say things like “You never help me!” that you just give them love and not start an argument about their poor attitude.  A simple reply of: “Hmm… that’s sad.  Any what did I say?”  Then go listen to podcast #41 on Disrespect to remember what to do about that sassiness. 
 
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Podcast 43: Siblings Who Hate Each Other - What to Do

1/12/2022

2 Comments

 
AUDIO PODCAST HERE:  Episode 43

What do you do when you have two or more children who just don’t get along?  I mean they really can’t stand each other.  They’ll even say to each other that they hate each other?  I’ve had many parents over the years ask me how they can help their children love each other or at the very least tolerate each other.
 
Well, it’s a tough question. 

I just want to make two observations about siblings who don’t get along:
 
First, IT’S NORMAL AND DRAINING on the whole family
Siblings not getting along is very normal and I mean VERY normal.  There’s no one in the world who can get in your face more than a sibling can.  Whether it’s a younger brother getting into an older brother’s prized Yu-Gi-Oh card collection or an older sister’s jealousy of a younger sister’s popularity at school; they are enough to just really get under a kid’s skin.  It creates plenty of whining, screaming and crying for moms and dads to deal with.  It can lead to kids declaring that they hate each other and will sabotage every family experience as a result.
  • Mooom!  She’s in my room!  Get her out of here!  (followed by lots of yelling and door slamming, maybe a punch or a kick)
  • Daaaad! Danny is so stupid!  I hate it when he plays games with us! He’s so dumb!
  • Mooom! He ate my goodie bag candy!  He’s so fat he shouldn’t be allowed to live!
  • In my house growing up we’d get mad at a sibling for breathing air
  • And it goes on and on….
Their angst drags us and our whole family down the drain, the energy drain!  You can’t take a hike or a drive in the car without a fight erupting.  You for sure can’t have a family meal in peace. 
 
Next observation, Sibling issues are FULL OF LIFE LESSONS
As adults, in our lifetimes we’ve run into people we don’t like and we’ve had to learn how to get along with them. In your child’s future is an annoying coworker or a demanding and demeaning boss.  Our kids need to have opportunities to learn and refine their people skills and siblings are perfect practice targets.  They keep coming at you over and over until you get it right.  They don’t just go away so there’s a ton of opportunity to practice how to get along! The trick as parents is how to get them to learn these precious life lessons. 
 
That leads me to our next phase – possible solutions!  I have three ideas for you to try in your home. 
 
IDEA #1:  Set BOUNDARIES using Family Meetings
I grew up in a Christian household and was always reminded of the Golden Rule – do unto others as you would have done unto you.  How did I know this rule?  My parents taught it to me.  My parents enforced it.  It’s a pretty good rule and really boils down to how parents need to set boundaries on behaviors in our households.  If your kids are mistreating each other then it’s time to sit everyone down and set up some Family Respect Rules then tackle some specific areas in the same manner.

FIRST MEETING – Set Family Respect Rules
In the very first meeting you’d facilitate a discussion of what the Family Rules around respect and behavior toward each other should be.  ASK your kids and spouse for input.  It might include things like:
  • No one can come in your room without permission
  • You must treat each other with respect
  • If you can’t talk in a civil tone you cannot talk for 15 minutes
  • No one can touch your toys without permission
  • If someone isn’t home you still can’t touch their toys without permission
  • No calling each other names
 
You also have to have consequences to go with the new rules.  Ask for input on that too.  I love choices so I’d try to make sure the kids have choices to choose from.  It might look something like… IF ANYONE BREAKS A FAMILY RESPECT RULE, they can choose one of the following:
  • Offenders will play the “Love Game”, this is where offending children have to sit and hold hands.  Then they say five positive things about each other.  Lastly, they hug and forgive each other. 
  • Offenders will play together for 15 minutes, really play not just watch a movie
  • Offenders can do an extra job on Mom’s Job List (you can use my Energy Drain List if you need ideas!)
 
If you have kids who refuse to sit down for a Family Meeting then you need to set up a consequence for their non-participation.  The old: “I allow kids to … go to the movies who’ve participated in our Family Meeting” will come into play.  If you need more ideas about setting consequences listen to episode 10.
 
 
SECOND MEETING – Tackle Specific Areas of Tension
Once you set up the basic Respect Rules you can move on to the next phase of Family Meetings.  Pick one situation where your kids really drive each other crazy and try to clean that up.  Take, for instance, driving in the car.  Have a family meeting about "How to Have a Peaceful Drive in the Car".  You ask for suggestions about what could make the drive calm keeping in mind the new Family Respect Rules.  Take any and all suggestions! 
 
Some might wind up being:
· have brother put a sock in his mouth
· sister puts on headphones and listens to music while we drive
· brother plays the license plate game with mom as they drive
· everyone eats popcorn
· sister wears a bag over her head
· brother sits in the middle row and sister sits in the very back of the car (this assumes you have a car that has 3 rows). Sister might be sitting shotgun right now since she's pretty old but maybe moving her to another location can help. 
· brother brings books to read in the car and wears headphones to do a read-along with a book
· drive kids separately to school and charge each kid for the driving time ($2 per mile?)
· no talking while we drive, sister picks the music to play in the car one day, brother picks the next day, any complaining and the opposite child gets two days in a row to pick music.
 
I think you get the idea, make a long list.  Have weird things on the list like the bag over the head.
 
Next, pick a few to TRY for a week.  Yep, just TRY.  Don't make anything permanent.  Keep the full list around.
 
Next, schedule the NEXT Family Meeting.  At that meeting go over if things worked or didn't work.  What would they like to keep doing and what would they like to experiment with next week?  Change things up, try new things then HAVE ANOTHER MEETING and keep having them each week until this one problem is sufficiently solved.  That you can drive in the car peacefully.  THEN move on to another area where there is disharmony and do the same with it.  Maybe that next area is dinner time?  Or maybe getting ready for bed?  
 
Whatever issues are happening it's best to use a format where everyone can communicate and feel they have input to the solution.  It helps get buy-in for having the solution work when people feel heard. Listen to Episode 17 if you want some more examples of Family Meetings.
 
IDEA #2 - Special Time/Connection Time
Each child needs to feel listened to.  They need to know they are loved unconditionally.  Sometimes sibling strife comes about when they have issues that aren’t being paid attention to.  You need to divide and conquer and make sure YOUR connection to each child is solid. 
 
Create some special time for each of your kids who aren’t getting along to be with just one parent at a time.  Do something each child likes to do even if it's not your favorite thing.  For a teen or tween maybe going for boba tea or Starbucks. For a younger child it might be building Legos or playing Barbies.  Just BE with them.  Let them relax so you can chat and connect.  NO LECTURES!  If you need longer connecting time maybe you go paint pottery together or take a hike.  Maybe drive to San Francisco to some special event or store?  For me, I took my son out for lunch at a casual sit-down place and we played cards.  It kept us off our phones and let us just casually chat. 
 
Once you feel you have a solid connection then you can set an intention of a topic that you want to talk about and get feedback on sibling issues.  If your relationship is rocky, however, your discussions will always be difficult and you’ll probably be rebuffed so keep your main focus on building that solid relationship foundation.
 
IDEA #3 - Love Languages
In podcast Episode #33 I interviewed two experts on Love Languages.  God made us all different and we all feel loved and valued in different ways but we often go through life having no idea of how the people in our families best feel loved which can lead to a lot of sibling fighting.  I can’t recommend enough having each person in your family go through the simple quiz to find out how they feel loved.  It can be very powerful in helping kids get along.  A daughter might learn that her brother needs to feel love from her in special ways so that he can calm down and be relaxed.  Little brother can also learn why big sister likes to have feedback differently than he likes it.  In the episode the two women do a really nice job of explaining how it helped their families.  
 
When I write a podcast or blog, I always surf the internet for additional resources.  This time I found a really helpful one from Pint-Sized Treasures.  Allison Wood is an amazing mom of 6 who explains some more of these ideas including the Love Game I mentioned earlier in her article “What to Do When Your Kids Hate Each Other”.  I’m going to put a link to her article in the podcast notes in addition to a link to my Sibling Rivalry podcast episode #9 in case you haven’t had a chance to listen to that.
 
One last thought, sibling relationships that go sour in adulthood often have their roots in childhood.  Make sure you’re not pitting your kids against each other for your love and attention and favoring one child more than another.  I grew up in a house with 12 kids who were close together in age.  Yep, 12.   It is overwhelming to think of the battles that we fought with each other during our years growing up.  Our parents were pretty even handed though.  One of my older sisters who picked on me constantly helped me to be quick-witted and be able to stand up to people who might verbally try to push me in directions I didn’t want to go.  She toughened me up!  I hated her at the time for it since she was so mean but once we moved into adulthood, we gradually became very good friends.  There is hope for your children who aren’t getting along but you need to steer the ship in the right direction.  I hope some of these ideas might work for you.  Write me and let me know! mary@parentingdecoded.com.
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Podcast 41 – Dealing with Disrespect

11/15/2021

1 Comment

 
PODCAST LINK HERE

What do you when your child disrespects you?  You know, when they roll their eyes or huff something under their breath?  Does it get right under your skin?  Make you just want to jump down your kid’s throat and make them take it back?  They don’t appreciate anything you do so you might as well take away their electronics or send them to bed early to make them pay for such disrespect, right?  You’re just not going to put up with such behavior! 
 
Does that sound like you?  Ugh… it’s a tough place for a parent to be in.  Hopefully this podcast will help.
 
I want to dive into disrespect with you.  What it is and how to get it under control with the hopes of getting into our child’s heart to make a difference in the long run. 
 
The truth is, disrespectful behavior is one of the inappropriate ways kids, especially teenagers but not limited to teens, try to solve their problems. Kids can feel powerless in the face of rules and expectations and talking back and showing disrespect is one way they try to take some power back. If they can drag you into an argument, that’s even better: Now you’re arguing about respect instead of focusing on their curfew or their homework or cleaning up their toys!

As parents, we definitely need to teach our children how to treat others with kindness, and how to communicate big feelings without being disrespectful.

Unfortunately, we cannot teach them to be respectful in the heat of the moment.
If you ask your kids about why they’re being disrespectful, they usually say that it’s because they are angry. Someone, and it’s usually you, hurt them. So, out of instinct, they want to hurt you back.

What can we do then?  Here are some ideas to help deal with disrespect in a thoughtful and respectful manner. 

1. Avoid the Fight in the Moment
When genuinely being disrespected, we should pay attention to the circumstance instead of yelling at the child, “You are being disrespectful!”

You as a parent are upset. You are called names and they hurt.

To teach respect, first, we need to stay calm and stay in control. Identify if this is a real “disrespect” situation, a misunderstanding, tantrum, or simply because the child hasn’t learned the proper response in such a situation.

You may see these words as signs your child doesn’t respect you. But what is the child’s intention when they say those mean words?

It is usually not malicious because kids (and grownups) cannot think straight when they are angry, they’re in fight-or-flight mode. They just reflexively want to fight back to protect themselves and, in this case, they use hurtful words to do so.

I know you WANT to deal with it right then and there.

But, once your child is angry, disappointed, frustrated, or upset, the thinking part of their brain has shut down. They are in survival mode. Their body is flooded with emotions and they are not able to hear and process the lessons you might want to teach.

I also know you HATE being disrespected.

But, if you are triggered by their disrespectful behavior, your brain goes into fight-or-flight mode too. You are not able to think rationally. Your responses will either be filled with anger, yelling and punishment or you will shut down and give up.

We can’t teach our kids to be respectful by treating them with disrespect so you need to slow down and let the emotion pass.  Deal with disrespect when there’s no emotion present.  For some that will be a few hours later, for others it could be a few days.

We’re going to look for a moment when our child is calm and we can sincerely say “Hey, you know the other day you called me a mean mom and said you hated me?  That really hurt my feelings.  I need you to know that I love you and that really bothered me. Can we talk about it?  Maybe think of other ways to tell me how you’re feeling?”  If you’ve waited for the right moment hopefully, you’ll be able to clear the air as to why they were so upset and have a talk about how to communicate better in the future. 

But, let’s go over a few more ideas since staying calm might be hard for some of you.

What else can we do?

2. Use Family Meetings
If you have major respect issues going on in your household, it’s probably a sign that there’s not enough communication about expectations and consequences.  I want you to sit down with your family and brainstorm a plan about how you’re going to be more respectful.  For those of you who listen to my podcast regularly this is what I call a Family Meeting.  In your meeting I want you to model for your family how to use words in positive ways to allow for opinions to be expressed.  This wouldn’t be a meeting where mom and dad lay down the law but one where everyone can give input about what is frustrating them and causing them to be disrespectful.  It’s the triggers that lead to disrespect that we have to eliminate to help create more respect.  What do I mean?  Let’s say my son was supposed to be cleaning his room but was playing on his gaming system instead. This all leads to me taking away his gaming controller and him yelling at me very disrespectfully that I’m so stupid and how I’m ruining his life. 

If I were to use a Family Meeting here it would be about the trigger for the disrespect – not cleaning his room -- along with how he and I need to communicate in the future when chores aren’t being done. We might decide how I would approach him next time when he’s playing a game to get his attention, like tapping him on the shoulder and waiting a specified amount of time for him to pause. After our meeting the next time his chores aren’t done, if our agreed upon method doesn’t work then we’re going to have a follow-up Family Meeting. We need to figure out how to tweak what we’ve laid out, maybe it would be setting which hours he can play or delaying any play until his chores are done.  All of this is going to be an iterative process, but it should lead to the disrespect quotient in your family being significantly lessened. 

If we as a family can train ourselves to look for communication solutions when we have disrespectful bumps in the road that happen, we can have a lot more respect for each other in the long run.  But we have to have those Family Meetings to get some real solutions going and we need to keep having them when new issues arise.  If you want more information about Family Meetings listen to podcast episode #17.

3. Don’t Take Everything Personally or Overreact
Pretty much every teenager pokes relentlessly at their parents, expressing their frustrations in various ways. Again, this isn’t limited to teens, kids of any age can do this.  Eye rolling, scoffing, smirking, little kids might even spit or kick you – those are all tools in their arsenal that convey their disregard. And as we all know; those irritating behaviors can get under our skin. Kids are looking for those weak spots, those places where they can drag us into defending ourselves and our rules.

If we take it personally, it’s going to be hard to respond effectively. If we react to every single one of those behaviors, we’re not likely to see any change in our kids. While these things are annoying, they aren’t something to correct in the moment.

We need to decide which behaviors we’re going to focus on, and which we can ignore using what Love and Logic calls “going braindead”. Remember that those mildly irritating behaviors aren’t about us, they’re simply an expression of frustration by our child. Our role is to deal with our child’s behavior as objectively as possible. It doesn’t mean we won’t be irritated. Let it go and ignore it so we can stay focused on the topic at hand. 

Ignoring is about refusing to let our child's disrespect derail us from the task at hand. If we tell our child to take out the trash and they roll their eyes, don't engage in a lengthy argument over the disrespectful eye rolling. Each minute we spend in a power struggle is 60 seconds they'll put off taking out the trash.
 
If eye-rolling is a common problem, we should address the issue at a later time when both of us are calm just like I said before. Again, say something like, "Earlier today when I told asked you to take out the trash, you rolled your eyes. Are you aware that you do that when you're mad? It really makes me feel disrespected.  Can we think of something different you can do when you’re feeling frustrated with me?" 

4. Model respect 
If we value respect, model respectful behavior. We need to do our best to show them the way it should be done.  Make sure we’re treating our spouse, our boss, our neighbors, and others with respect.  We don’t have to agree with everyone, but we need to model for our kids that everyone deserves to be respected.  In our current political situation, it’s easy to disrespect someone who has a different opinion.  Model that opinions for different people are different and it’s ok.  
 
5. Don’t Take Our Child’s Side
Wait, what? What does “taking our child’s side” have to do with disrespectful behavior?
Let’s say our child complains about how much homework he has, calling the teacher names and generally being disrespectful toward her. We might agree that this particular teacher does give too much homework.
If we take our child’s side in this case, we might say we agree that we think the teacher is stupid, and that she’s doing a terrible job. The message our child hears is: if we think someone is wrong, then we have a right to be rude.

The truth is, neither of us has to agree with someone to treat them respectfully. Even if we think the teacher (or the coach, or the boss, etc.) is wrong, we need to let our child know that regardless of how they feel, they still need to find a way to act appropriately.

One benefit of this approach is that our children will most likely encounter plenty of people in their adult life they disagree with. Help them learn the skills they need to handle those disagreements calmly and appropriately.

6. Don’t Demand Respect
“I am your parent and you have to respect me!” Does that sound familiar? A lot of parents ask me, “How can I get my child to respect me?” You can’t demand respect, but you can require that your child acts respectfully, no matter how they feel about the situation.

“You don’t have to like the rule, but you do have to comply with it. Just because you’re irritated doesn’t mean you get to call me names.”

Remember, stay focused on the behavior, and leave the feelings alone. The irony is that, in the long run, your child will respect you more if you remain calm and enforce your rules consistently.

7. Respect Their Choices
It is ridiculous how some parents want to have complete control over their child’s behavior and preferences.  If you want your child to respect you, start with respecting their choices.

Everyone has their own preferences. As much as you want your child to be a mini-me and like exactly the same things you do, they are most likely not going to. Your child has their own likings. If you don’t like what they want, you should explain your rationale. But ultimately, they have to learn to make decisions for themselves. As long as their choice is not a danger to safety or health, is not (too) financially consuming and does not hurt others, you need to honor it.

That is why you need to let them make their own choices in things such as what they wear or what homework they do in what order. A child could end up going to school wearing mismatched socks or coloring outside the lines. Every person has the right to think independently and like different things. That should include children.
When children’s differences are accepted, they feel heard and respected. They see first-hand, through your modeling, how to treat others who have different opinions. They learn that they should respect people despite their differences.

When the teenage years come, this understanding and tolerance for differences is how to get your teenager to respect you. That’s when everything Mom and Dad say will sound stupid to them. You want your teenager to know how to tolerate differences and still respect and appreciate you!

8. Use Restitution
If your child or teen behaves in a disrespectful manner, restitution may be necessary to discourage it from happening again. You might have your child help the offended person by doing their chores for the day or some other special service.  Just forcing them to say “I’m sorry” doesn’t really work well in getting to the heart of the offense.  I have a podcast episode #35 on How to Teach Kids to Apologize that has a lot more detail about what to do if you need help in this area.

I know this is a lot to absorb and I really feel for you if you feel disrespected in your home after all the work you put into your family.  I hope things like staying calm, using Family Meetings and the other ideas in this podcast will help you in your journey.  It will take effort to bring things respect into focus but it is possible and you’re the key to unlocking respect in your home. 
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Podcast 40 - It's Not Fair! How to Deal with Fairness

10/21/2021

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PODCAST LINK HERE

Life isn’t fair it never has been.  How we deal with life is what matters.  Our children are given to us for a short t
ime and our job is to train them in the ways of the world.  One of those lessons for all of us as parents will be that:  Life isn’t fair. If we try to make things fair or feel guilty when our kids yell at us “That isn’t fair” and second guess ourselves with “Was I being fair?  Or was that unfair?” We run the risk of trying to give our kids the misimpression that life is supposed to be fair.  It’s not.  It never will be.  It’s how we react to fair or unfair that shows our character and allows us to be human and unique. 

What would be better to impress on our children would be that fairness means everyone gets the things they need, not that everyone gets the same things.
 
Fairness areas
There seem to be a few areas which trigger the “It’s not fair!” alarm on a regular basis in our kids:
  • Between Siblings
One gets invited to a birthday party and the other doesn’t and then the first one comes home with a goodie bag.  It has toys and cookies and candy that the older sibling wants and he’s mad and yells “It’s not fair!”  Ugh!
An older sibling gets to stay out late while the younger must stay home with mom and dad.  “It’s not fair!”
Or how about a younger sibling gets to do something that an older sibling was forbidden to do at same age.  One friend of mine remembers she wasn’t allowed to shave her legs until she was in 9th grade but her younger sister was allowed to in 7th.  “It’s not fair!”  I remember my little sister got to pierce her ears at 14 when sisters and I had to wait until 16.  That was so unfair!
 
  • Between classmates/school/outside of home
            Someone makes the team when you don’t
            Someone wins a prize, gets the good teacher, is more popular
 
 
  • Between kids and parents
            Mom getting a kombucha
            Parents having phones or computers and not kids
            Parents getting to have access to the Wi-Fi all the time but the kids accounts are shut off at 8pm
 
  • Between kids and the world
Some kids are targeted by race, religion, or physical ailment
Some kids don’t have enough money to live
There is pollution and poverty and injustice and climate problems
Most of that is just not fair at all. 
 
 
What can you do as a parent?
  • Allow for emotions and disappointment. We want to practice empathy with them.  “Wow, I know it’s hard not to get invited to a party when your brother does.  That makes you so sad.  I’m sorry.”  Or, “Gee, your best friend just make the All-Stars baseball team and you didn’t.  That’s so sad.  I’m sorry.”  There’s no need to sugar coat it, just let it be there.  Let them know they are still loved despite a disappointment. My kombucha mom needs to just say, “Yeah, it’s hard when mom gets something that you don’t.  So sorry about that.”

  • Some of us will need to go Brain Dead so that we don’t get sucked into an argument after giving empathy.  You just stay silent and say short phrases like “I knowwwww….” Or “Nice try….”

  • Help them have empathy for others who aren’t as fortunate.  This is hard to teach them at times.  I know it probably took me until I was in college that I was able realize that I could cheer on my siblings instead of being disappointed that I didn’t get to do something.  We need to help them cheer for each other, not just compete. 

  • Love them no matter what, teach them they are unique and although life isn’t always fair, they are loved and amazing in unique ways

  • Avoid labeling and comparing your kids to each other, even positive labels as they can create a level of unfairness that you can’t even detect.  When parents say: “Why can’t you behave like your brother?” Or, “Why are you so messy all the time, why can’t you be neat like your sister?” Or any of the thousands of comparisons we can make about our unique children.  Your kids might be messy or have trouble staying at the table but that’s on them, not on their siblings.

Gina Horne in her blog called MomsLifeBoat has some great ideas about what to tell your kids when they are in the “It’s not fair!” funk.  A lot of this list is like what we do on the parents list I just went over.
  • Let them know it’s OK to express their emotions.  (God gave us these emotions and we shouldn’t be ashamed to express them.  You can be angry, but you cannot take your anger out on others.  You can cry but you cannot dwell in self-pity.  Be happy but do not be boastful.)
  • Encourage them to always give praise whether they are on the upside or the downside.  (I made the All Stars, but my brother didn’t.  I thought for sure he would have made it, he was awesome at tryouts) or (Congrats bro, I’m bummed I didn’t make it but I’m glad one of us did!)
  • Help them to continue on with life.  (Embrace the now! Enjoy the adventure and/or create new ones.)
  • Have them lead by Example.  (People will remember how you act when disappointments or victories happen.  Do it with grace and humility.)
  • Support them in learning from this opportunity.  (Don’t look at this opportunity as if you’ve failed.  The only failure you will have is if you give up!)

I was recently working with a family that has four kids and one of the kids was the “It’s not fair!” guy.  It almost didn’t matter what was happening, if he didn’t like it his response was “It’s not fair!”  We decided, for that child, he was using that phrase to get a rise out of mom and dad because he was just so frustrated so often.  It was time to have a one-on-one meeting with him to talk about other things he might be able to do when he was frustrated.  They needed to take time to listen to him and come up with a plan for how to communicate more effectively if he was frustrated since “It’s not fair” wasn’t getting him where he’d like to be.  They needed to make it a problem-solving experience instead of the aggravating experience that he was creating by always shouting “It’s not fair”. 

For those of you who have two or more kids I’d love to suggest an experiment that’s based on a second-grade teacher’s innovative lesson on fairness.  Shawna Peryea from the blog Caffeinated and Creative created this lesson that I’ll call the BandAid Experiment:
  • First, make up a bunch of note cards with medical ailments each on a separate card
    • Paper cut, skinned knee, broken leg, appendix burst, fever, car accident with a head injury, bee sting, whatever else you’d like
  • Give everyone in your family an ailment card or maybe two or three depending on your family size
  • Have each person describe their ailments and discuss the degree of severity of each
  • Then hand out Band-Aids to each person, just the small 1-inch kind
  • Go around the table and ask if the Band-Aid will fix their ailment, make special note of the ones that will NOT be fixed with a Band-Aid
  • As you finish the round ask if it’s fair that everyone got a Band-Aid. Is that what they’d want?  Ask them each what they’d want if the Band-aid didn’t help them.  Was it more or less?  
  • The point is to teach that just because everyone got a band aid and it seemed fair, it didn’t help everyone. What would actually be fair is if the ailments were actually cured. Each person is unique, just like ailments.  We need different things but want to end up at the same place feeling loved and supported for the unique people we are.  You can also modify this to give everyone but one child a band aid and discuss how they felt not receiving one.
 
The human experience isn’t about fairness. It’s about uniqueness.

It isn’t about making things equal all the time, but it’s about making them beautiful despite the fact that they aren’t equal. It isn’t about comparing what we have to what someone else has, but instead, it’s about finding a way to be happy with what life has given each of us: Our own unique experience to grow from. 

So, next time your child stomps their feet at you to declare, “It’s not fair!” sit them down and say, “You’re absolutely right. It’s NOT fair.

But, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

It just means that you are going to learn different things than other kids at different times.

Adelle Gabrielson wrote so eloquently about teaching fairness to our kids on her blog An Illuminated Life. It’s one of those philosophical parenting quotes that I want to memorize:

This is not a lesson I want you to learn after you’ve left the shelter of my home and heart, out in the big world all alone. The world will hurt you, and if you expect it to be fair, you will suffer more. Don’t expect fairness, do not seek it. Instead, seek grace. Be grateful when you are on the upside, be patient when you are on the down, be compassionate and generous when you see others who deserve more but have less.
 
I hope you’ve gained some perspective to get a handle around the “It’s not fair!” issues with your kids.  Personally, I think empathy and patience are probably the biggest helpers.  Along with reminding ourselves that our job as parents isn’t to make life fair all the time.

If you need help and encouragement, feel free to contact me.  My mission, as most of you know, is to help parents feel supported and encouraged.  Send email to mary@parentingdecoded.com or join my Facebook Group, Parenting Decoded and let me know how I can help you and your family.  There is a transcript available of this podcast that is listed in the podcast notes in case you need it. I’m also available for one-on-one coaching.
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Podcast 39 – Bad Teachers: How to Deal With Them

9/1/2021

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PODCAST LINK HERE

Would you like to know how to deal with your child getting a bad teacher? Having a bad teacher can feel like a prison sentence for the whole family. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about it immediately but hope for the best.
What makes it worse is when every other parent in the class starts complaining after the first day of school because they know what it is going to be like for the next nine months. Most of us know that it’s almost impossible to change classes once a class list is set which is part of the reason most schools that I know don’t post their class lists until a day or two before school starts each year.  But what can you do to make the most out of the situation?
 
In this article I want to talk about a few things.  First, what do bad teachers look like?  How do they behave? Next, what can you do about it as a parent and, lastly, what can your child do about making it through the year in once piece having learned what they need to.  That’s a lot to cover so let’s dive in. 
 
First, there seem to be three kinds of bad teachers: Fluffy, Boring and Mean
  1. What’s a Fluffy teacher?
    • These are the ones that often show movies or tell personal stories, getting off topic. Often times they are super nice human beings but just don’t manage to teach much or don’t teach the topic at hand. How can you tell if your child has a fluff teacher?  You might begin by asking to see the curriculum and look up the Common Core Standards to find out what your child should be learning. This will send a message that you are informed and watching.  My niece had a second-grade teacher who had been a kindergarten teacher for 20 years and was moved up due to class size issues.  Well, after a while my brother and his wife, who both happened to be teachers, noticed that homework coming home was kindergarten level work.  I kid you not!     
  2. What’s a Boring teacher?
    • These teachers just read from the script or are just unchallenging and can be deadly.  One friend was in a class with a high school history teacher in her last year before retiring. That teacher could care less about teaching.  She literally read the textbook.  It was agonizingly boring each and every time my friend went to class.  What a drudge to get through that.
  3. What’s a Mean teacher?
    • These are the scary ones.  Ones that might yell and scream at the kids in their class.  They might demean kids in front of others.  They might deal out punishments unevenly or even play favorites where your kid isn’t the favorite.  Or maybe they’re just impatient and won’t answer questions so your child comes home not knowing the material. These teachers can cause lasting damage so we need to keep our eyes and ears open if you think your child has a teacher in this category. 
 
Julie Plagens at Mom Remade has a wonderful article about dealing with bad teachers.  I’ll put a link in my podcast notes. It’s called How to Deal with A Bad Teacher: 15 Strategies to Survive the School Year
That’s a whole lot of strategies but I’m going to go over just a few that I think might really help families in this situation.
 
Wait and See
The first approach would be to wait and see while doing research
  • You need to investigate to see if things are really as bad that they seem.  Sometimes our kids and their friends, not to mention other parents, can really blow things up.  Gather information from multiple sources if you possibly can -- class work, opinions from other parents with kids in that class, info about how things are going in other classrooms for that same topic; that sort of thing.
  • You might find people who took that teacher's class last year and ask them how they got through the year. They might say "It doesn't get better but stay quiet or it gets worse." Try to find students who did well in the class and ask how they achieved that - ask to borrow their notes if they have any. Ask them if they have any tips on how to do well in the class.
  • Another way to research is to volunteer in the classroom if it’s allowed which it often is at the elementary level although since COVID-19 not much is allowed any more. I’d read the teacher’s emails and look over the assignments.  Don’t helicopter, just be aware of what’s being studied and communicated. 
  • You should also try to figure out what the teacher’s perspective might be, sometimes it’s not all your child says it is.  Bottomline, research before taking sides.  Even parent rumor mills can vary depending on how different kids reacted to the same teacher.  I had one parent tell me that her son hated a particular teacher he’d had a few years before which made me a little worried but, for my son, she turned out to be one of his most favorite teachers.  Go figure. 
  • I just want to say that during this “wait and see” phase, sometimes things do settle down and kids figure out on their own how to get through each day or even start liking the teacher they were complaining about.
 
Communicating with the School
However, if you really feel that things need to be addressed you need to start the next phase which is communicating to the school
  • Teacher meetings are the starting point.  Set up a meeting with the teacher and your spouse or partner.
    • As you meet you need to phrase the concerns as issues that require clarification instead of an attack, like “Mr. Jones, I need your help.  I’m a little confused about something.  Annie said _____, but I think she may have misunderstood.  Can you explain it to me?”  This gives the teacher an out but implies you’re watching what’s happening at the same time. You need to tread lightly since alienating your child’s teacher is one of the worst things you can ever do as a parent since your child can suffer as a result.
  • If you feel unsatisfied the next step is to have a meeting with the principal or someone above the teacher like the head of a department
    • Ask for a meeting with the administrator and the offending teacher together to voice your concerns.   Nothing makes a teacher angrier than going over their head without giving them a chance to correct things. 
    • In my case, my son’s 4th grade teacher was a fluffy teacher. He and his classmates weren’t learning much at all.  We parents grumbled in the background for a few months as we started to see how little our kids were learning.  She was a new teacher at our school although not a new teacher to teaching, so it took us a while to see things.  A few parents chatted with the principal but nothing happened.  Our comments seemed to be treated as casual parent grumblings which principals here a lot of over the course of the year. It’s part of their job, right?
  • Community Pressure
    • As a last resort, if the teacher and the principal won’t listen to you as a parent, talk to other parents and address the situation as a group. There is power in numbers. It makes a statement.
    • In my case, By Feb/March of that year it was apparent that we needed to move to a united front of concerned parents.   There were 5-6 families who strategically set up individual meetings with the principal over a month or so period.  You could set up one meeting with lots of parents but that’s not what we chose to do.  The principal got the message and that teacher wasn’t hired back.  It sounds a little harsh but once a teacher is offered tenure it’s almost impossible in California to get rid of them.  This didn’t help our kids that year but it certainly prevented other families from suffering in future years and we really felt heard which made us feel a little bit better.
Learn to Cope
Lastly, it seems that most of the time your child is just going to have a bad teacher and you have to help them learn how to cope with it. You can’t always have the best teacher, the best principal, or the best school.  I’m sure all of us remember times when we had a bad teacher in our youth, or a bad boss or a bad co-worker.  This is life. There are lessons to be learned about working with difficult people and bad teachers can turn kids into problem solvers with the right love and encouragement from their parents and peers.  As possible solutions you might get extra tutoring, set up study groups, correct homework yourself or become your child’s reading or writing partner.  It’s all extra work to get though the year but figure out what will make the learning happen, don’t let the bad teacher take away a whole year of learning.
 
If your child is 5th grade or older, if at all possible, you want to brainstorm with them on how they can handle the situation themselves.  You don’t want to rescue every time and talk to the teacher for them every time they have a problem.  Lots of kids are afraid of authority figures and need encouragement to stand up and be heard.  What can you do to help?  Feel free to role-play or even have your child write down what they might say to their teacher about an issue.  Step in only after the child has tried on their own.  If they don’t understand something, encourage them to stand up to the teacher and ask for extra help.  It might be really scary and hard which is why I’d suggest some role-playing with how that conversation might go. 
 
That said, sometimes a bad teacher just won’t help a kid learn.  I was talking to a recent college student whose AP Calculus teacher in high school just didn’t seem to know the material and wouldn’t and couldn’t even help them.  They tried talking to the principal with and without parents and nothing changed so the students in that class learned that they had to adapt.  They gathered together in study groups. They traded notes. Some of them had tutors and they traded those notes.  They used Kahn Academy lessons online.  They learned that they could learn without that bad teacher and they all wound up passing that AP exam in spite of that teacher.  It was twice as much work as they should have had to do but they did it. 
 
In another instance, when my younger son was a junior in high school, he struggled with a teacher who was constantly picking on him.  This teacher was in the boring category and my son just hated his class.  He was getting a good grade but came home every day complaining about how much he hated being in that class. 
 
After a few months I decided to challenge him. I know that great teachers have the ability to make one-on-one connections with students.  They are able to do amazing things with them since their students trust them and feel seen.  In this experiment, I decided to encourage my son to flip that where he’s the one who makes the connection with the teacher since this teacher didn’t seem to know him as a person and was picking on him all the time for putting his head on his desk and not participating.  I told him that if he when to his tutorial period with that teacher and had a conversation about ANYTHING, I’d give him money.  Yes, I am not above using money to motivate behavior of things kids don’t know how to do yet and I decided this was one of them. 
 
So, a few days later, he and a basketball friend, who also was in that class, decided to go to tutorial and talk to this teacher who happened to be a basketball coach of one of the girls’ teams.  Well, wouldn’t you know it, they talked about basketball and they even enjoyed the discussion.  You know what happened?  The very next class the teacher was nice and each day after he was too.  That teacher “saw” my son and, you know what, I think my son “saw” him too.  In chatting with him about this he even remembers that he tried harder to participate.   They weren’t the best of friends or anything but things worked out. The best part is that my son learned a life lesson in how making connections can really make a difference.  It was worth every penny I spent!
 
One of the last strategies in Julie Plagen’s article is about having a good attitude.  I love this idea. Listen to what others say but always talk nicely about the teacher in front of your child.  Sometimes when kids hear parents talking trash about a teacher, they’ll use it as an excuse to slack off or worse. 
 
I interviewed a number of people young and old for this podcast from students to parents to teachers.  The discussions were so much fun.  It was interesting that each person could remember a bad teacher or two.  Some teachers didn’t know the material. Some teachers were always unprepared. Some teachers were boring as heck. Some teachers had class pets and treated some other kids unfavorably.  But you know what, all those kids made it through to college and beyond.  They had loving families who supported and encouraged them.  They had parents who would listen to them, help set up and augment their studies, and give them empathy when things were tough.   They learned that life sometimes gave them lemons but, typically, they were able to make lemonade.  Sometimes it was a year or two later but, in the end, they made it.

I know as a parent of younger children; things might seem dire and you have a right to be concerned.  A young dad who has a 5th grade son just heard that his son got stuck in the class of a bad teacher for the third year in a row and is losing his joy of learning.  That sucks.  I’d certainly keep a close eye on that 5th grade teacher early and often.  I even know families, myself included, who’ve found that moving to a different school was worth the bother as a last resort.  I wouldn’t keep moving my kid every time I wasn’t happy with a teacher since it creates lots of other stressors that can be significant, but it’s worth considering. 
 
I just want to finish up by saying getting our kids through school is certainly a journey of ups and downs.  I pray this article has given you ideas for keeping the journey a little smoother. 
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Podcast 37 – Annoying, Attention Seeking Kids

8/3/2021

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN
​

Do you have a kid who is always seeking attention?  They are pulling on you, saying “Mommy, mommy, watch me!”  Or maybe they try to one up anyone just to make themselves look bigger or better than others.  Maybe they’ll even make things up to do that?
 
I’ve been working with a few parents lately who are at their wits end with this annoying, attention seeking behavior.  No matter how much attention they give that child, the child wants more and more and more.  Sometimes it’s bad enough that other siblings are getting annoyed at how the offending child just keeps butting in and trying to take over, to use up all the air in the room.

What’s up with all that?  My first guess is that the need for attention is real.  They are seeking love, support and care.
 
Three possible contributing factors might be:
  • They suffer from low self-esteem, so they make up wild stories or try to out-do others around them to show off and get attention. One friend’s son after hearing his older sister saw a bird out the window immediately added that he saw two birds
  • They lack a sense of belonging; they don’t know how to fit in so they try different behaviors that they think might work – they might get really loud or physical like poking their friends with sticks or maybe showing off their Pokémon cards to other kids thinking that’ll make them cool
  • Lastly, sometimes they’re just immature and they don’t know when they’ve crossed a boundary of inappropriate behavior.  I just did a podcast about complex kids who have ADHD, Asperger’s and other issues and learned that kids with those issues are often 3-5 years behind in terms of maturity which throws off our parental expectations when we see them interacting with other kids in immature ways.
I do have to admit that all three can be present at the same time – low self-esteem, lack a sense of belonging and immaturity which can really crank things up in your home.  If you have an annoying kid, my heart goes out to you.  However, there’s plenty of positive things you can do so don’t lose hope!
 
When our kids are annoying, we often want to walk the other way, to not deal with the behavior.  We let them keep interrupting, butting into our conversations, doing one-up-manship time and again.  However, if you ignore the behaviors and needs, it can backfire leading to negative behaviors instead and not just getting louder or their stories getting more outrageous but where they start hitting or outright lying or being verbally abusive to you or their friends.  Yikes!  That is not at all what we want but… you’re exhausted and stressed… how do you take steps to deal with this everyday issue in your house?
 
What to do:
  • Notice them!
  • Remain calm – sometimes the behaviors hit our hot buttons because they are loud and obnoxious.  We need to not react negatively.  Reframe this as an opportunity to learn new behaviors.  I know it’s not easy but you really need to move toward this being something you both have the opportunity to learn from – it’s part of promoting a growth mindset.
  • Provide them with a scheduled fixed amount of time just for them, the longer and more regular, the better.  This would be what I call “special time” where the child gets to determine the activity, they do with you whether its playing Legos or Barbies or run through sprinklers or go to the park.  I’d be specific about the when and where so that they can count on the time with you.  For one family the mom had 15 minutes after school for each of her sons.  For another it was once a month an afternoon with just dad or just mom, they rotated and called the events “dates”. Statistics say that the average American parent spends 7 minutes a week with their children.  Yikes!  Do better than average!
  • Use empathy If they beg for attention; “I know you’d really like some time with mommy right now.  It’s hard to wait, isn’t’ it?  I can’t wait till Saturday when we can play together.”
  • Use praise for any improvements. This would be for incremental progress.  “Wow, I noticed you allowed your sister to talk first at dinner tonight.”  Or, “Thanks for using your inside voice. I could tell you were really trying.”
  • Provide the child with special responsibilities and leadership to build self-confidence.  Maybe let them pick out what you have for dinner every Monday night.  Maybe they are responsible for setting up an event for your family for Friday Night Game night.  They pick out the game, set up the pieces, pick out the snacks.  One mom who cooks rice every night let her 9-year-old own making the rice each day.  He felt so impowered!
  • This one is SUPER crucial: Take time to talk about what attention is appropriate, use role-play or drama to help them understand how other people might react.  If they were one-upping their sister in our bird example before you need to, after the incident is over, talk about ideas of what else they could have said.  Brainstorm with them after talking to them about how it might make them feel if someone did that to them. A good way of thinking about this would be:
    1. Show empathy
    2. Verbalize what occurred
    3. Help your child come up with a more productive or effective way to get their needs met.
  • Lastly, be patient, unlearning the attention seeking will take time!
 
 
Here’s a final idea to help make this process a bit more fun for everyone involved. Set up a non-verbal queue!  If your child is always dominating the conversation and needs to learn to let others have a turn, have a brief Family Meeting with just you and them to brainstorm some signals you can use when the behavior is happening.  You need to think of the signal together so that your child feels a part of the process, don’t’ just decide it for them, make this brainstorming fun.  Maybe you decide to tug on your ear, maybe it’s a little stuffed animal (or a set of them) that sits on the table that you pass to them when you’d like them to let others talk.  It should be something special and subtle.  You might even change the signal to keep things fresh each week. 
 
One mom whose son had a problem with getting too rambunctious at their cousin’s house brainstormed ahead of an upcoming visit.  They chose a special bear that they’d put in her son’s backpack.  If he started getting too ramped up, she could just lovingly give him the bear.  She didn’t need to say anything.  It worked wonders!  They get to pick which signal they take each time they go but, you know what, things are getting so that they don’t need it.  It’s been helping him see when things are getting out of control all on his own.  Yeah mom! Yeah son!

 
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Podcast 35: Helping Kids Learn to Apologize

6/30/2021

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

Don’t you hate it when your kid does something so embarrassing or just plain mean to someone else? Biting another kid... Stealing something out of someone’s backpack.. Sending mean texts ... Yelling at their sibling that they hate them... Disturbing a room full of quiet children who are concentrating...

Makes you just cringe! You HAVE to get them to apologize for any offenses, right?

Did your parents ever force you to apologize? Did it really make you feel sorry? I’m guessing that, like me, you probably just felt worse, felt embarrassed and it made you even more mad at whatever/whomever caused you to be rude in the first place.

Apologies are really important, however; what we want is for the heart of our kid to change, to have them understand that their behavior was unacceptable and caused hurt in another human being. Here are some ideas that might be more effective at changing their hearts instead of just forcing them through the motions of an insincere “I’m sorry.”
1 - WAIT TILL EMOTION HAS PASSED
The worst time to get a kid to apologize is when they are still full of emotion. You have to WAIT until they are calm and can talk about the situation and until YOU are calm as well. In the moment we get so distraught and embarrassed at what our kids have done that we want to lash out and fix things right away. We drag them across the playground and say things like “Apologize to Sara right now!” or “Tell Jamie you’re sorry!”

Instead, we need to go BRAIN DEAD, to take time for everyone’s feelings to subside.  It might be you wait until you get your child home from school or a playdate or even the next day.  This calm will allow us to make sure that their minds are open to a discussion when we move to the next step. Feel free to weave in empathy for the situation.  “Wow, it sure is tough when we hurt someone’s feelings.  I can tell you’re upset.  Let’s talk about it later.  I sure love you.”

2 – Brainstorm Ways to Make Amends
Brainstorming is the next step.  There are a few pointers to making this as effective as possible. 
  1. Do it privately, without your other children present if possible.  You don’t need comments from snarky siblings as you tackle the issue.  If you can give 100% of your attention without juggling other things at the same time it really helps.  
  2. ASK if they are ready to talk about ideas for apologizing before launching into your own ideas.  This is the test to see if their brains are “open”.  If they answer, “yes” that they’re ready to talk, it means their thinking brain has turned back on.  If “no” is their response, then emotions might still be holding onto their brain so hold off and try again at another time.  Don’t forget to throw in another round of empathy like “I can see an apology might be hard for you.  I sure love you.  Let’s try again later.”
  3. Once you’ve do have an opening, exchange ideas of how THEY intend to deal with the apology. Sometimes you’ll get an immediate, “I don’t know.”  Feel free to gently suggest ideas of what you think might work keeping in mind we want to activate their brain in the thinking process.  We put out one idea at a time and think about it together.  We want an apology that will work for them, so their feedback is really important.
What does it look like when you’re done?  One son decided to write a letter instead of walking up to the girl he was mean to. One boy who threw a block at his brother decided he’d give his brother a hug, say he’s sorry then let him play with his new playdough set.  In another situation a teenager offered to babysit their younger siblings after taking the car when they weren’t supposed to.  They could give flowers with a note, draw a picture.  These days they could even make a Tic Tok video apology if that’s their thing.  Feel free be creative and to role-play the apology or, even more useful, role play how they’d avoid the situation from happening next time it comes up. 

As a parent you want to support your child in learning different ways they might apologize that work for them so that as you launch them into the future they have skills for repairing relationships when things go wrong. The brainstorming models for them that they can figure an apology strategy that works for them, not a parent-enforced and  insincere, “I’m sorry.”

3 – Getting to Their Heart with Consequences
Lastly, there are times when even brainstorming with your child just doesn’t work.  What then?  When a kid’s heart is disconnected from the impact of their behavior, it’s best to let a consequence do the encouraging rather than a forced apology or giving them a lecture. I love how Love and Logic tells parents to use what they call Energy Drain.  You give EMPATHY and then, “Oh, this is sooooo sad. It really drains mommy’s energy when I see you aren’t willing to apologize for ...
  • hitting your sister
  • being too loud and disrupting class  
  • taking food that was meant for the birthday party tomorrow

After the EMPATHY, ask them how they are going to put energy back in you. It might be a chore or a service they do for you. Each time they drain your energy in this way, you let them pay you back. Over time, if you’re consistent and loving, they will learn that their poor choices of causing hurt in others are causing them to do extra WORK! Yes, real WORK instead of just saying some stupid words that don’t mean anything. If this WORK doesn’t make them get a heart for their actions at least you’ve stopped the insincere words which weren’t changing behavior anyway.  If you see your child needing this reinforcement, feel to get more details by listening to Parenting Decoded’s Podcast #10 on Consequences.
​
To summarize, we want our kids to apologize, and we need to set up ways for them to learn to do this after emotions have calmed down and in ways where their heart is engaged and they sincerely are sorry.
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Podcast 34: Life Skills for Teens and Tweens

6/14/2021

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

If you ask me one of our main goals as parents is to launch kids into adult life who are responsible, independent and resilient.  With those goals in mind in this episode I hope to inspire those of you parents with older kids to seize the day and open up your minds to new ideas on how to head in that direction.
 
In Silicon Valley our kids get lots of experience academically.  They know what their grades are and how to access their online school portals.  They know about homework and exams and schedules.  That’s great training for getting through school but what is easy to neglect is how to train them to experience living day to day that they will face once they are out of the bubble known as home.  We want them to flourish academically but often by doing so we rob them of responsibility for knowing how to live a full life beyond the walls of our homes and schools. 
 
In this episode we’ll talk about how to get our older kids, teens and tweens, to experience the bigger picture stuff and expose them to some of the messiness of life in a loving, supportive environment where they might even mess up some.  Everything from chores they should know how to do on their own to handling money, cars and how to get a part time job.  I’ll talk about planning vacations in addition to how to handle routine paperwork and cooking.  It’s sort of a laundry list of items I think any parent should consider when training your kids for the future. 
 
First off, HOME STUFF OTHERWISE KNOWN AS CHORES
 
Laundry
This is the easiest of the chores to turn over to your kids.  Whether they do their laundry or not really only affects them if you can put up with the potential of smelly clothes or a smelly room.  You teach them how to use the washer, how to separate clothes into darks and lights, how to spray stains and what the capacity of the washing machine is. 

When I turned over laundry to my sons, I did all those steps for teaching them but we still stumbled on something that not even I knew.  Did you know that clothes can mildew if they sit in the washer for days?  I’ll tell you, it was certainly stinky, and my son used google to figure that one out.  He got to teach me!  It was certainly an affordable mistake and I’m so glad we could lovingly learn a solution together, no yelling, screaming or nagging needed. 
 
Cooking
Every kid should be able to cook a few basics before they leave your home whether it’s mac ‘n cheese or scrambled eggs.  I knew a parent whose child went off to college not knowing how to scramble an egg and the college had no room in the dorms, so their daughter had to go into an apartment that first year.  Well, the dad took off work and went to stay nearby so that he could help his daughter with getting used to dealing with food – buying food at a grocery store and learning to cook.  Wow.  It really blew me away and that is certainly an extreme example, but I do regularly run into parents who don’t want their kids in the kitchen because they’d make a mess.  If that’s you, please let your kid make a mess and then, show them how to clean up!  That’s part of the process.  You show them how to restore the kitchen to its original condition.  But there can be so much joy in a family kitchen where kids own cooking a meal all the way from selecting a meal to shopping, chopping and sauteing or grilling.  In the summertime, we had our boys cook twice a week. One of the days one would choose a main meal and the other would choose a side to go with it then they’d switch the second day.  It really helped instill in them a love and enjoyment for cooking together but also the process of taking care of getting food onto the table. 
 
Cleaning House
Teaching your kids how to clean sinks and toilets as well as vacuum and how to clean windows so there aren’t streaks is what I’m talking about.  If there’s a clog in the toilet, show them how to clear it and the next time, they get to do it.  Show them how to prevent toilet rings and deal with calcium buildup if you have hard water.  These are all sorts of things that we adults take care of way too much.  Have them clean the hair out of the drain in the bathtub or shower or take down cobwebs or clean the dust off of ceiling fans or light fixtures.  If you want to be creative, hold a family meeting and come up with a list of the chores in the house they’ve never done before and set a goal for how many they do each week of the summer.  Whether it’s three a week or one a week, have it be something.
 
Yardwork
Summer is a wonderful time to get out as a family and teach your kids about trimming and mowing lawns.  Let them learn about clippers and weed pullers as well as fertilizers and bug control.  Ants, rats, mice, roaches and other pests are something they should know about. Yes, they can be yucky and gross but… life isn’t all roses, is it?
 
Painting
Have your kids help paint their room or a fence or a house.  Let them know how much work it can be and that being careful with paint is really important.  Knowing how to clean brushes, open paint cans and store paint for future use helps give them perspective on what it takes to make a house look nice.  If you want and can afford it, pay them for this extra work. 
 
Now, let’s move on to more ADMINISTRATIVE roles outside the house.
 
Money
If there’s one skill that I think parents today neglect more than any other it’s how to deal with money.  If you have a teen, they should have a checking and a savings account with an ATM card.  If you give your kids any money, transfer it using some online method.  I have a whole podcast about dealing with money and you should really implement all of it but, if you don’t have time, at least do this part.  You want your kids to learn about running out of money and overdrafts and how to write a physical check even if hardly anyone does it anymore.  My boys were a bit shocked at how little their peers in college knew about how to handle their finances and how most of them had their parents paying and keeping track of the bills that needed paying.  I gave my boys lump sums of money to cover their tuition, rent and other living expenses.  We talked about how to manage that money and when bills needed to be paid either online or by sending checks.  They knew the money was limited and needed to be treated with respect.  It can be scary but these life lessons with money allow them to grow and you need to let them do that while you can be around to help them.   

Filling Out Forms
Whether it’s going to the doctor’s office and being handed a clipboard with forms to fill out or a permission slip to go on a field trip, your child needs to do all the filling in the spaces, all but one.  My boys knew that the only thing I’d be doing with forms once they hit about 5th grade was signing them.  All of this form filling out stuff flows into their college app process.  They need to own the process and set up all accounts and signups for things like the SATs and ACTs as well as submitting their forms to colleges.  I’m not saying you can’t coach and assist but they need to do the grunt work themselves.  It takes time and they need to know that if they want something, it’s worth the time invested.  If you’re doing all the filling out and submitting, you’re robbing them of owning the process and their lives.
 
Get a Job
One area more than any other that kids learn about responsibility and money at the same time is having them get a job.  It can be a part-time summer job at an ice cream place or summer camp, at a restaurant or a construction site or they could be a nanny for a family or a dog walker.  It could be year-round or just the summer.  The encouragement I want to give you all is for it to be something, anything!  It was always interesting to see how kids who became lifeguards had to learn about how to vie for schedules or trade slots to go on vacation.  They had to learn to deposit their checks and that they had to wait to get paid.  For my son at a restaurant, he learned about shared tips and how some workers worked harder than others.  Another kid was 18 and old enough to drive for DoorDash, He got to learn about how some folks are generous with tips and other people don’t give a dime.  They learn sooooo much that a school can never teach them.  For some kids it helps them solidify plans to go to college so they can get better paying jobs.  Not a bad outcome to say the least. 
 
Alarm Clocks/Keeping On Time
Your kids need to own their own time.  Let them have the natural consequences of disappointing or pissing off teachers, coaches or friends. Let it be their deal, not yours.  The more we continue to own their schedule and nag them to keep on time, the less they need to keep track.  Let your kid be late for soccer practice or to their violin lesson.  Let them forget to turn in a paper that you know is due.  The earlier you let them own their own time, the less painful the mistakes will be to correct.  Middle school is a much gentler place to learn lessons about time, don’t you think?  Again, no yelling or telling needed.  Just let them own it. 
 
Vacation Planning
If you are fortunate enough to be able to take a vacation as a family, allow your kids to do some planning and research.  By middle and high school, they are experts at roaming around on the internet, let them plan one day of your trip from the museums or sporting events to where to eat or stop to fill up your car.  Let them help pack the family car to get all that camping gear in. It’s hard work and takes practice especially when you’ve got lots of stuff.  If you’re taking an airline, have them help look up flights and input things like frequent flyer numbers and all the logistics with baggage and hotels.  Even if you’re just taking a hike locally, let them pick a new hiking location instead of you announcing where you’re hiking.  Share the load and let them learn!
 
Cars
If your teen drives or plans to drive you really need to seize the day.  If you have the opportunity and the financial means, please have your kids learn how to drive when they are in your home.  I’m in California and kids here can get a learners permit at 15 and ½ and can drive at 16 but have to have a learners permit and drive with a parent or an adult for 6 months.  However, once they turn 18 the 6 months of practicing with an adult drops away. If they get lucky with their behind-the-wheel test at that point they can pass without much practicing at all. 
 
In Silicon Valley, parents think they are doing their kids a favor by letting them focus on academics and not worry about driving.  However, here’s what happened to a friend’s son.  This dad allowed his son to only focus on academics.  He graduated from high school, spent one month learning to drive, took his test, passed and then flew to college and didn’t drive again until the next time he was home.  How good a driver do you think he was?  My gut says he was still too nervous to go on a freeway and he’ll be a nervous driver potentially for a long, long time.   I have to admit that teaching my boys to drive was nerve wracking and one of the hardest and scariest things I did as a parent, but it really helped give them time to grow and respect driving and the responsibility they had when behind the wheel.
 
In addition to training them to be a good driver, we need them to know about car insurance by having them help pay for their portion and car maintenance.  Washing and vacuuming a car is the first step and then moving on to things like changing the oil and knowing how to check tire pressure and when to do all those things.  Even if very few people these days actually change their own oil, we can at least have them go to an oil change service center to learn what that’s like.  Hey, it can help you out as well since after the first time you go together, they can do it for you.
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Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting Podcaster and Educator
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