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Podcast 13 - Anger Managment for Parents

6/7/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

Wow. What a week.  Writing this podcast has sure been a journey in tough times.  First, COVID-19 hits in March.  I’ve been blessed to have ventured into podcasting so that there’s a way I can still come into your lives.  Now, in June, with #blacklivesmatter, our nation is being rocked by anger and fear.  It’s overwhelming.  In this episode I’m going to talk about the anger in our own homes that we have that gets directed at our children and some ideas for how we can get it under control. 

I know anger isn’t helpful, caring and thoughtful action is helpful.  Being cool, calm-headed, and working together is what can move us forward as a nation but also as families.  Today I’m going to start in your home and deal with the anger your precious, adorable children bring out in you when they don’t obey, won’t listen, when they argue with you or when they fight with each other.  Your kids manage to push your buttons so easily when you’re tired or in a rush, right?  Some days you’re the epitome of amazing parenting and then the next day you’re on your knees with anger and frustration at your kids and yourself.  It’s exhausting. 
  
ANGER - COMPLICATIONS
I want to talk about how anger and threats create certain complications in our homes that we might not be expecting - an atmosphere of fear and children who become followers or rebels.

1 – Fear
First, when we use anger and threats with our kids, I’m mostly talking about yelling but some parents don’t yell but they certainly still get angry, they just don’t yell. We might grit our teeth and say “Do that right now”.  It’s still intimidating even if it’s not loud. When talking about parenting types the Helicopter is the nagger but the Drill Sergeant is the yeller/teller type.  They tell their kids what to do and expect immediate obedience; if there isn’t, then there are consequences mostly using fear and intimidation.  Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe in consequences but they need to be delivered in a fashion that will be impactful for the long term.  Listen to Podcast #10 for more on that if you haven’t yet.

2 – Followers
But, you do it because anger works!  Certainly, it does.  Intimidation and being more powerful than your child works in your favor especially in the early years when you are physically bigger than they are and they are completely dependent on you.  But, how do you feel when someone yells at you?  Ever had a boss yell at you?  Did it make you feel good?  Did it make you want to be around that person? 

When I was working in hi-tech myself and some of my staff were in a meeting with a top VP who totally blasted one of his direct reports in front of 15 other people.  It made me cringe.  I was shocked and appalled.  If this happened to you, most likely, you felt small and stupid.  It might have made you want to hide.  I know when my dad would yell, we would all want to scram as fast as we could.  He wouldn’t listen to us even if we had a defense.  He shut down our feelings and minds just like that VP did. 

Some of us fall into Drill Sergeant mode when we get angry and frustrated.  This is when we want to yell and tell our kids what to do and we will yell louder and longer if our message isn’t being heard.  When I talk to live audiences about Drill Sergeants, I ask them who wants to raise a child who is a follower.  How about you?  Are you wanting to raise a follower?  Of course not, our society is always telling us to raise leaders.  We need leaders.  We need GOOD leaders.  And here you are, you might be raising a follower without even realizing it. 
As you yell or firmly tell your child what to do and how to do it, you shut down communication and their brains.  They aren’t encouraged to think for themselves, just to obey you.  They will FOLLOW you out of fear.  That’s not what we want.  We want them to THINK with their brains and know how to use their brains to fix things when stuff happens that isn’t right.  We need to communicate with them and allow them to problem solve and brainstorm with us, not go sit in a corner pouting or crying by themselves because we’re mean and yelled at them.  If you want to raise a leader let’s take anger out of the equation for raising your kids. 

NO THINKING
I’ve talked about brain science in a few of my other podcasts #2 probably has the most details.    When we are angry, our brain is in “fight and flight” mode.  This is true for our kids’ brains but also for your own brain.  If we need to guide our families, we need to use the thinking part of our brains, our prefrontal cortex.  I want to talk about ways to keep out of fight-and-flight and what to do if you do get there.
 
ANGER RELIEF
Assuming you recognize that you sometimes lose your temper, here are a few ways you can stem the tide. 
First, acknowledge you’re angry.  When you feel your body start to tense up and you start to go up what my good friend who is an MFT calls “anger mountain”, you need to embrace that feeling as it goes up your spine or face.  Once you can feel that feeling coming on, get some help to diffuse it.  I’m going to give you a few ideas of help you can use in your own home but if you have a major issue with anger, please get professional help or email me and I’ll be happy to connect you with appropriate resources. 

1 – Enlist your spouse or significant other, if you have one

This can work two ways – giving your spouse a signal or your spouse giving you a signal. 
When things are calm, set aside time with your spouse to work out a signally system.  If one of you sees or hears the other getting angry or yelling, use the agreed upon signal to help them recognize they are losing it.  I want to encourage a signal that doesn’t sound like “Hey, quit yelling.  You’re upset, go outside and cool off.”  While that may sound helpful even if it’s in a nice tone of voice, I want to suggest just using a phrase that signals “Hey, honey, I can tell your getting upset.  I’ll take over.  You go calm down.” Without saying all those words.  In my house we tried something verbal for a while like “Gee, honey, I think the cat’s water dish needs new water.”  Or it could be where you physically signal by pulling on your ear or patting your head.  The point your signal will convey the message without further irritating the situation.

I love signals like this.  My husband and I developed one many years ago to help deal with my I getting really nervous when my husband would tailgate, especially at high speed.  Now, he’s a good driver, and it doesn’t happen that often but when he used to do it I would verbally say “Honey, slow down!  You’re not using the 3 second rule.” “Or, it’s not a 1 second rule, it’s a 3 second rule.” And he’d snap back getting irritated with me nagging him again, wanting me to chill out.  Both of us would be angry and annoyed, not understanding each other’s point of view.  Not a win-win situation at all and we didn’t even have kids creating this tension. 

Well, we had a heart-to-heart one day while not in the car when both of our brains were calm.  I explained my point of view and how it really scared me and he explained how it kept sounding like he was a bad driver.  We both agreed to use a signal and no words in the future.  I gently tap him on the knee when I feel uncomfortable, he knows I love him and I’m scared and he has time to react without getting defensive.  It’s been amazing.  I know it’s not a parenting situation but I think you get the drift; communication can lead to real progress in relationships.

You and your spouse need to come up with something like a knee tap.  I really think a “no word” option is better than even the cat water bowl words.  I’d suggest maybe even having a teddy bear or a blue card or a pack of gum that you just hand each other that says all those words without saying anything verbally, an “I got your back” secret signal. 

2 – Enlist your kids

This next idea is to recruit your entire family to help get yelling and anger under control.  Have a way that ANYONE in the family can signal “warning, anger erupting!” without using words.   Some families might use a card – red, blue, one with a bird or a dog on it.  Other families might have teddy bear, doesn’t matter as long as everyone knows and agrees on what the signal means.  The person who receives it needs to have some calm down time.  It’s not a punishment but a loving encouragement. 

In order to enlist your kids in helping get your temper under control, you’d have to have a family meeting to brainstorm how to make it happen.  You have the meeting at a time when everyone is calm, maybe a Sunday afternoon or Friday night before a movie.  Talk about why you need help and how you need love and support to make it happen.  This type of family support can show that everyone needs help in life, even parents, in dealing with emotions.  I’d have an option that mom and dad can also hand the calm down signal to a child so that everyone can have the same love and support to improve emotional skills.  If it doesn’t work at first, have more family meetings until everyone can get on the same page with empathy and love.
 
3 – Use reminders

Some people find reminders a really useful way to help break bad habits.  Anger can certainly be a bad habit so try some to see if it will help you.  One parent I work with has trouble with anger but a lot of that is caused by having a lack of empathy for what her kids are going through.  We brainstormed a bit and she decided to place yellow stickies all around her house with “empathy” on them.  It did work for a while. Another mom just put stickies with an “E” on them around.  Some of you are tech-savvy and might create automatic texts, calendar entries or emails with nudges for you to be more empathetic or ask yourself to rate your anger for the day on a scale of 1 to 10.  Use anything but try something!
 
BAD FEELING RECOVERY

Now that we’ve talked about some ideas on how to try to stop yelling, I want you to think about ideas for what we can do to counteract the feelings incompetence and self-esteem that we often damage in our children when our anger lashes out at them. 

Our kids are fragile and words can break them. Often times, those words spoken by us in anger stay with them for a life time.  When we say “You’re so stupid!” often enough, they start believing it.  When we tell them they are clumsy, they stop taking risks.  When we get angry at them for breaking something or falling or missing a ball at a soccer match, they absorb that anger.  They start internalizing that they really aren’t good enough.  They might try harder in an attempt to win your love but it comes out of fear and hurt. 

Sometimes the hurt becomes so great that they stop trying harder or they withdraw from you.  That’s often what happens when teens start rejecting everything their parents say to them.  The parents have brushed off every possible opinion their child had when they were young so the teen learns that their parent could care less what they think.  They close down and rely on their friends for ideas and exchanges.  Super sad.  Let’s figure out how to be a parent who understands that parents are human and make mistakes and is willing to take time to repair damage before it becomes permanent. 

There is a lot of psychology around how impactful negative comments are.  The research says that it takes 5 positive interactions to negate just one negative one.  Ouch.  That’s a crazy imbalance, isn’t it?  We really need some creative ways to balance those negative interactions out. 

I came across a fun solution last week while on Pinterest.  There’s a therapist who has a website called idealistmom.com.  She has some great resources if you like this podcast and want to learn more.  The thing that she had that caught my eye was what she called the “Five Hair Ties” solution to getting this negative/positive imbalance back in line.  She says to put five hair bands on your wrist in the morning when your kids wake up.  If you have a bad interaction, you lose one hair tie to the other wrist. You then have to spend the day trying to earn it back to the original wrist.  If you have more negatives you’ll lose more ties and have more work to do, so you’re motivated to even the score as soon as possible.  It’s a gentle, physical reminder that there’s more love needed. 

What types of things can you use to recover?  Simple!  Things as easy as a hug (she says a 6 second hug is best), sitting and reading extra, putting a note somewhere they can find it with something nice on it, go outside together, play a game, give them an extra smile, tell a joke, have a dance party in the kitchen,  there are lots of ways!  I’m going to put a link in my podcast notes on how to sign up for a really cool printable chart with 25 of her ideas you can post on your fridge.  It’s super worth clicking on!  I love her SAY-PLAY-DO-SURPRISE quadrants.  You have to sign up for her newsletter to get it but it’s totally worth it and you can always unsubscribe after! 

BRAINSTORMING

I want to talk about one more thing I think can help families a great deal with trying to overcome anger issues, Family Brainstorming sessions.  I mentioned it a bit when suggesting you enlist your children in helping you recognize when you’re getting angry. I really think it’s an amazing tool that should be used all the time.  Setting up open and honest discussions with your whole family about issues that are upsetting family harmony is super healthy for establishing family bonding and love. 

Your children deserve to hear from you when things are calm in your brain as to what gets you upset and then you all work together to understand how to overcome the issues.  If you’re getting upset at everyone for leaving their shoes all over the house and you yell about it every day and no one does anything, having a place to air grievances like this in a kind, calm manner can be helpful and harmonious. 

Your kids should understand why it upsets you and maybe you all decide to create a new shoe area in your house together.  Or maybe shoes stay in the garage or on the porch on a new shoe bench that you all create and paint together.  Showing your kids how problems can be solved with words and creativity is the best lesson you can give them in life.  Anger solves nothing but if anger isn’t addressed it explodes as we can see now.  Address the anger in your life so that your kids can have a good role model for solving issues.
​
I hope this has inspired you to think about issues that bring anger into your family.  Be creative.  If hair ties aren’t your thing, try rubber bands, bracelets or coins in your pocket.  Remember your words can wound for a lifetime.  I’d love to challenge anyone to try the hair ties for one week and write to me about it.  I’ll provide a free phone coaching session to anyone who does it, that’s how important I think this is.
 
If you found this information useful, please forward this link on to your friends and family.  It would be helpful to me but what I really want is for us to work together to help the world take steps to control our anger in a positive, healthy way.

Here's the link to the idealistmom.com website article:
https://happyyouhappyfamily.com/angry-mother/

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PODCAST Episode 9: Sibling Rivalry

4/4/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN

​Each week during the corona virus shelter-in-place I’ve been trying to cover topics that might be driving most families crazy.  Recently tantrums and night time battles were my focus but after chatting with a few families this week I changed my plans and decided sibling rivalry is a hot button especially as the weeks of shelter in place go on longer and longer.

I’m going to talk about what good might come from sibling rivalry but then some techniques like not taking sides, separating our kids, teaching them communication skills, and how setting aside Special Time can often make a big difference for a family with sibling issues.

With that said, let’s   dive in.

WHY? Emotion Behind Sibling Rivalry
I’m not sure what I really need to say about sibling rivalry.  It exists.  It’s existed since the beginning of time.  Why wasn’t there a manual given to us before we brought that second child home from the hospital? It’s bound to happen so we should prepare ourselves, right?  As silly as it sounds, no one really is prepared for how challenging sibling rivalry can be. 

We need to recognize that kids want attention, power and control.  If those things are disturbed then often times sibling rivalry can arise more frequently then we’d like.
  
Attention: As we all know, kids crave attention of any sort.  When their cravings aren’t met, they can often look elsewhere to generate more attention, often not good attention.  When a younger child arrives on the scene who is cute, adorable and needy (they need help eating or dressing or diapers changed, etc) the older kids try to be good and helpful but no one notices them. However, if they whack their little brother on the head then someone finally notices them.  Not what we’d like but it certainly draws our attention, doesn’t it?

Power and Control: On the other hand, if younger kids feel powerless and at the mercy of older siblings they try to fight back but explode with frustration over their inability to control what they want to happen.  These kids are learning how to get what they want but they don’t have the right skills yet so they use what they have which is to yell, hit, throw, wreck their siblings work or toys, whatever they can. 

It’s all a bit crazy but how we interact with our kids and their siblings during these developmental years will actually impact them in the future.  There seem to be four  types of sibling behaviors in my mind that I categorize by giving names: wimps, bullies, whiners and negotiators. 

  • Wimps: In an altercation, some kids cave every time, instead of learning how to stand up for themselves they just give in, it’s easier.  It just doesn’t seem fair that the other sibling always gets their way just because this child gives in.  We parents are worried that we have a wimp in development and we really want to change that. 
  • Bullies: This is usually an older, bigger sibling who can rule by their brawn and their brains since they’re more able than younger siblings.   These are the kids who take things away from the wimpier siblings with no regrets.  This can activate feelings of injustice in us parents as we see this child taking advantage of the weaker sibling at every turn.  We wonder if empathy, kindness and fairness are even entering that kid’s head.
  • Whiners: They cry about everything and anything.  Helicopter parents play into this big time by siding with the kid who whines the most or the loudest just based on volume we feel a major injustice MUST have happened.
  • Negotiators: Some kids learn that if they use their words, they can negotiate what they want.  These kids see they aren’t powerless even though they might not win every battle.  Their self-esteem can be enhanced instead of diminished if the right type of support is in their lives to help grow their negotiation skills.
You probably can see your children in one of these sibling types so now let’s get down to the nitty-gritty about what to do when siblings fight regardless of which type of sibling they are.

I have three rules in mind:

Rule #1 - Don’t get involved, don’t take sides, don’t blame
If your kids are fighting, try stay out of it unless there is bodily harm being done.  Let them fight and figure out what’s going to happen. If they come running to you, send them away.  Try really hard not to listen to their sob stories and don’t take sides.  Most of the time there are two sides to every story and parents don’t always get to see and hear both so just focus on it was a choice for them to fight and isn’t draining you to hear them fight.  Keep calm and encourage them to work it out.  Remember that, KEEP CALM and use empathy!  Don’t engage.  No yelling, no telling.   Yelling gets us nowhere. Try something like:

            Oh wow, I can tell this is a problem for the two of you.  I’m sure you can figure something out. This is really draining my energy hearing you fight. 

Rule #2 - Separate, if necessary
Sometimes the solution is that no one wins.  If they can’t figure things out then it’s ok to step in and take whatever it is away from everyone using EMPATHY and LOVE.

            Oh, this is so sad.  It looks like you two can’t work this out and it’s really wearing mommy down.  I’ll go ahead and put the blocks away for now.  You’re welcome to play with two different things but do it in two different locations.  If you can’t figure out what and where then just go head to your rooms for a while.

Rule #3 – Brainstorm to teach communication and negotiation skills when kids are calm
During the heat of the moment really isn’t the time to solve the larger and longer-term issue of sharing and getting along.  Yes, you can take a toy out of the equation but when things really calm down and there’s no active fight-or-flight brain going on you need to sit your kids down and talk about how to improve communication for next time they have issues.  You’re going to do brainstorming to help your kids learn to set expectations and negotiate.  The brainstorming will happen hours or even days later, it wouldn’t be within minutes of an altercation. 

What would brainstorming look like?  Here are some ideas of what to cover:
  • Calming ideas: I’d recommend you ask them to think about ideas of how to stay calm when they notice they are getting upset -- take deep breaths, count to 10, walk away or other meditation techniques.  Write them down.  Put them on a sign.  Practice them every morning or at the dinner table so they know what it feels like.
  • “I Feel” Statements: have them express their feelings to each other using “I feel” statements
    • I feel like Ken always gets to use the truck and I never do
    • I feel mad when Sara wrecks my Lego tower, I’ve taken so long to build
    • I feel mad when Jessie takes crayons and writes all over my artwork I was making
    • I feel sad when Alan took the last cookie and there wasn’t any for me
  • Taking Turns: Often times kids want to use the same toy or device at the same time.  Encourage the concept of “taking turns” and help them establish mechanisms for keeping track.  For example:
    • Both my boys always wanted to press the buttons when we went into an elevator.  It was driving me crazy that they’d rush in and try to be the first to push a button and wind up in a battle or someone crying that they didn’t get to do it.   So we set a sharing rule that one boy was always the “UP” pusher and the other was the “DOWN” pusher.  It was magic! At least with two kids…
    • In your house, you can set up posters or a magnet on the fridge or an app on your phone to help them keep track of whose turn it is next.  I’d prefer it not be electronic but you can decide as a family ways to keep track of “turns”. It might be that your kids fight or fuss over who reads to them at night.  Come up with a way that you rotate on a schedule – odd days for one kid and even days for the other.  If you have more than two then set up a calendar if you have to and have them check off the days as you go to bed each night.  Be creative but show them that they can share best when they communicate that sharing is needed. 

  • It’s OK not to Share: Feel free to encourage your kids set boundaries to protect items they cherish and how to let others know in a kind manner to respect boundaries.   
    • Little sister, these are my Legos and I’m putting them in my special box. Please don’t touch them unless I say so.
    •  Brainstorm with your children about how to put away toys so they aren’t tempting to others who shouldn’t be touching them
    • You also have to define consequences if boundaries aren’t respected.
      • Oh, this is so sad, Jenny, you knocked down brother’s tower so I guess you won’t be able to play near him today.  You can play in your room instead. 

Energy Drain
What I’ve talked about so far is all about the kids but I want to talk about you.  Yes, how draining it is for you as a parent to hear all this fighting and fussing day after day.  One of the most useful tools I think of in dealing with siblings is Love and Logic’s Energy Drain concept.  They have a great audio available on Energy Drain as well as another on Sibling Rivalry that I’ll put links to in the podcast notes.  They explain that when kids are fighting it zaps us and they need to put energy back into us or we don’t have energy to read them books, cook them dinner, drive them to a friend’s house or take them to school.  It’s really amazing how effective it is so please look it up. 

I also have a list of Energy Drain ideas on my website if you need help thinking of a chore or act of service for your kids to do to put energy back in you like washing windows, sweeping the back porch or putting hand lotion on your hands.  I’ll put that link in the notes as well.

This concept can be so heartwarming when you take the time to do it.  One mom has sent me a a video of her kids washing the patio furniture with brushes and soap when they drained mommy’s energy by fighting. 
 
Set up special time regularly
Lastly, I want to talk about what to do when your kids just seem to be at each other day after day and you can’t seem to break out of the pattern.  Lack of attention is often the culprit but it could be that one child is just bored or unsatisfied in some other way with friendships or school and torturing their sibling gives them something to do. 

We need to figure out ways to set up what I call Special Time that I’ve talked about in a few different podcast episodes.  In this case, I’d suggest 10-15 minutes of one-on-one time per kid, per day or at the very least per week, so that each kid has some sort of one-on-one connection with their parents to nourish that feeling of unconditional love and acceptance. During that time you allow your child to decide what they want to do with you.  Let them know there’s a time limit and set a timer. 

One mom I know at my church who was having some trouble, decided to set up Special Time right after school with each of her elementary boys.  They rotate 15 minutes at a time and know that when it’s not their turn they are to play quietly.  They LOVE this Special Time and it’s working wonders for peace, calm and connectedness in their home.

            Another family was having a problem with their 6-year-old son, Ben, being mean and fighting with his little 4-year-old brother, Joe, all the time.  They had a newborn as well so it was a busy household. Ben always seemed to be picking on Joe and always seemed to in a bad mood.  After brainstorming with the parents we decided the issue might be that he was feeling disconnected what with an adorable baby girl and mom and dad being so busy taking care of everything and he needed some Special Time. 

With 3 kids it was hard to set aside time but the couple decided that as soon as dad came home from work he would play chess with his son for 15 minutes or so before dinner.  Two weeks later they reported back to me the amazing difference in their son’s attitude and behavior.  He was a new child!  Wow!  In setting aside this time they dealt a decisive blow to their son’s attitude and sibling rivalry at the same time.  Ben was playing much better with Joe and even on his own. 

 was so proud of the parents doing that extra work and it really hit home for me that I need to encourage Special Time to be set up in every home for so many reasons that feed into our kids need for love and acceptance.  In our hurry-hurry world we sometimes need to slow down, don’t we?  It’s hard to make the time but it can really pay off big time especially when you have misbehaviors cropping up all the time. 
​ 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast.  Taking time to train our kids to communicate with each other is so key to siblings getting along.  Keep in mind the three rules – stay out of it as long as possible, separate them if necessary, and brainstorm ideas when things are calm. 
 
Don’t forget to take care of yourself by using the Love and Logic’s Energy Drain concept.  Please remember that you never have to figure out whose fault a fight is, just that hearing all that yelling is draining you and they need to do some work to put your energy back. 
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PODCAST Episode 7 - Night Time Battles: Toddler to Elementary

3/27/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

I’ve been thinking a lot about sleep lately and how important it is to get a lot of it and good quality with this current crisis going on.  It’s good for our mental health as well as our immune systems.  Well,  I’m an empty-nester and not getting enough sleep so you parents of younger ones might be getting even less than I am so I’m dedicating this to all of you so that maybe a few of these ideas can get you and your family a few more minutes of sleep or at least set a calmer tone in your house at bed time.

This podcast is for parents of toddlers through elementary school,  I have a separate podcast on dealing with issues of sleep and teens so please head there if you have older kids.  In this podcast we’ll go through some ideas for moving toward bed, getting ready for bed, turning out the lights and finally ideas for those of you who have kids who wake up at night. With that said, let’s get started.

Heading toward bed – the transition
For many kids it’s really hard to transition from playful family time to the lonely and boring time of bedtime and night time.  Kids might be hyped up playing and rough housing or they might be involved in a really interesting show or project that will take way longer than our bedtime goals allow.  Transitions are really hard for many kids so we need to make the transitions as painless and battle free as possible.  To do this there are two things we have at our disposal which will prevent many battles before they start – choices and boundaries or what Love and Logic might call Loving Limits.  

Most of the time choices are really effective since kids just really want some control over their lives.  We’re so used to bossing them around it makes some of them decide to say “no” no matter how reasonable we are.  If we say “It’s bedtime.” They’re almost programmed to resist.  Offering choices before you hear “no” is SUPER important. You have to use choices early, if you have resistance you’ve lost your battle so make your choices effective and as fun as possible.

So you’re going to use choices like this:
  • Would you like to go to bed at 8 or 8:15? (knowing full well we want them to go to bed at 8:15!)
  • Would you like to set the bedroom timer or me? (I love using timers especially for kids who can’t tell time yet on their own)
  • Would you like to set the bedroom timer for 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing you’re fine with 15 minutes)
If you give choices as to when to head to bed you use them again with HOW to get there.  Try using something like “Wow, it’s time to head to bed!  Would you like to …
…crawl on your tummy to bed or walk backwards?
… or Would you like to go blindfolded or have me carry you upside down? 
… or Would you like to hop on one foot or skip to bed?
Fun is super helpful!  Being creative and offering different choices every night is also super helpful. 

Getting ready for bed – give them choices
Once we get them in the vicinity of their bedroom and the bathroom area to get ready we use   
  • Would you like to brush your teeth first or put your pjs on first?
  • Brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
  • Would you like to take a bubble bath or a lights out bath with a candle?
  • Would you like to dry off with a big towel or lots of little wash cloths?
  • Would you like mint toothpaste or cinnamon toothpaste? 
  • Electric or hand brushing?
  • Pajama top on first or pajama bottom?
  • Would you like to sleep with your school clothes on or your pajamas?
 
The idea is that you constantly throw new choices at them so that they don’t have time to think that one of the choices is “No!”.  Being creative with choices is key!

Set boundaries
Another skill that is super useful at bedtime is setting boundaries so that your kids know ahead of time what to expect and they’re things that you can stick to.  If your kids can have input as to what they are, especially as they get into older grades in elementary school, the more effective these will be.  For any boundary to be effective there has to be a consequence if you don’t get the result you are looking for. 

What am I talking about?  A useful boundary for most families is setting which time kids are ready for bed. Let’s say that a family starts heading to bed at 7:15 and want lights out by 8:15.  They need a bath, teeth brushing, getting pajamas on and reading books in that one hour of time.  I’d suggest setting a boundary like: “I read books to kids who are ready by 8:00. “  It’s a simple statement that tells your kids that as long as they are ready they can have books for 15 minutes.  This also means that you as a parent have to be willing to have a child having a tantrum at 8:05pm who wasn’t ready on time and will not be getting books tonight.  You need to be ready to have this happen and to give love and empathy.  “Wow, this is sooooo sad.  I love reading books.  I’m sad too.  I can’t wait till tomorrow night.”  You can give them hugs but you cannot read to them. You have to hold your ground especially when you know your child’s currency is book time.  You have to realize that your child had a choice and they chose to not have book time,  it wasn’t you. 

But, Mary, you might say, my child can’t tell time yet.  What do I do?  Use timers again!  Lots of timers if you need to.  Cheap ones from Target or Amazon work great.   Have your little one learn how to set them and get them maybe even to try “Beat the Clock” type contests.  Set one timer for 30 minutes, another for 15, another for 5 and the last one for 2.  Put them in different places to make it fun if you want but MAKE SURE they know there’s a limit and that they get to choose if they get books or not, it’s not up to you.  You give LOVE and EMPATHY if they blow it.  Some of you might want to try this on a weekend night if you’ve got to work on weekdays but you need to start and keep pulling it off for a few days for some kids to believe that your word is true, that there are no books if they’re not ready. 

Lights Out
By the time bedtime comes around most of us have our eyes on the goal – some downtime without kids!  Maybe a glass of wine with our spouse or to watch a show that’s not rated G.  We say a prayer: “Please Lord, let them fall asleep quickly so I can have some ME TIME.”  However, many of us find our ME TIME cut short by kids not wanting to fall asleep.  Some of us fall asleep with them (that’s what would happen to my husband and I), some of us sit close by outside the bedroom door feeling chained there until we can peek in and see that our kid is finally, finally asleep then we tip toe away as quietly as possible hoping we don’t wake them up.  Is that you?   What can we do to get them to sleep? 

If you have a child who really, really won’t go to sleep without controlling where you are then during daytime you need to spend Special Time with them to brainstorm what they need at bedtime so that they stay in bed.  Special Time is where one parent schedules some time with just them and the child, no siblings or distractions, just the two of you. 

During this time you think about ideas for what they need at bedtime since your new boundary is that once books are done mom and dad are done too.  You will let them know that they are welcome to have bedroom time for as long as they want but they must be quiet and stay in their room.  You really can’t force your child to sleep on command but you can allow them to be quiet and in their room and allow them to be in control of their environment.  During the Special Time I’d offer more creative choices than I might have offered in the past:
  • Would you like to sleep in your bed or on the floor?
  • Would you like to sleep in your sleeping bag or with a different blanket?
  • Would you like to be buried by a pile of stuffed animals so that I can’t see you?
  • Would you like the light on or off?

The idea is that your child chooses all these things that really don’t matter since what matters to you is that you get your ME TIME and they are quiet and in their room.

If your child won’t stay in their room and you have to constantly put them back or they have tantrums then you need to deal with those then I’d highly recommend that you go and listen to my 5th podcast which tells you what to do with tantrums. 

In brief though, for some kids you might wind up going ahead and cuddling them and falling asleep that night but then the next day you’re going to have them restore all that sleep and free time you lost in dealing with them by doing a few chores around the house.  Yes, even if they are only 3 or 4 you do this.  They need to know that their choice to take away your free time has a cost.  You love them and will help them get to sleep but you need to let them know you need their help to restore that time lost. You do it lovingly and with empathy. 

In the morning you’ll say something like: “Wow, that sure was a late night last night.  I’m so sorry you had trouble getting to sleep and that mommy didn’t have time to finish what I had planned.  It would be great if you helped out today by vacuuming the living room and sweeping the porch.”  I would also take a bit of time to brainstorm again to see what adjustments need to be made when you head to bed again that night.  Checking in with your child and making adjustments is really helpful.  They need to know that problems often take time and many adjustments to solve and that you’ll love them and work with them as long as it takes to solve this one.
 
Difficult Night Time Issues
In working with parents over the years I have offered this advice and for many it works wonders.  The choices and boundaries and knowing your child’s nighttime currency is super helpful.  However, there are a few situations I’d like to offer further advice. 

Kids waking in the middle of the night with siblings in the room that might wake up
One family I worked with has a small house and 3 kids, two who slept in the same room.  Their 4-year-old would wake up every night and scream so dad had to get him to calm down or his son would wake up the whole house and the new baby.  Oh my… definitely a problem.  We decided that getting his child to calm down during the night was really imperative so he’d need to use the Special Time solution to brainstorm ideas about what they could do to remedy the situation.  He would also need to work with his son to give him some jobs to help repair the sleep that dad had lost by getting woken up at night. 

As we mentioned before, this will be with love and empathy, the chores given won’t be a punishment for his behavior that he can’t control yet, just a recognition that he caused distress to someone else and has to help even the waters a bit during awake time. Another dad of a 4-year-old used Special Time to brainstorm with his son what books and stuffed animals he needed at bedtime but he also let his son know that he was too tired to play basketball with him when he’s woken up at night since he’d lost so much sleep.  It took about a week for the two of them to brainstorm enough to figure out their nighttime solution.  It was awesome to hear!  Go dads!
 
Kids wanting to climb into your bed in the middle of the night
Some of you might fall into the category that I did.  My son went to sleep ok but he’d wake up every night and didn’t wake anyone else up but me.  He’d come quietly to my side of the bed and want to climb in and sleep with us.  He was so cute at first so of course I’d let him sleep with us.  Sometimes, once he got back to sleep my husband or I would carry him back to his room but sometimes he was there the rest of the night.  Ugh… I was so tired and not getting good sleep with a little one kicking and turning and taking space I enjoyed in our bed.

  So, what I wound up doing is setting up a little bed next to ours that was just one of those tiny futons and put a crib sheet, a blanket and pillow on it.  My son got to choose what else he’d like on the little bed but it was small and fairly out of the way so I could still get in my bed.  Then, I let him know if he woke up in the middle of the night he was welcome to sleep there and that sleeping with mommy and daddy was not an option.  He was happy with that solution so for about a year from maybe 4 to 5 he slept probably ½ the nights on that little bed. 

​I was talking to another family and they actually have a small teepee set up in their room that they actually let their daughter whose about 6 just go ahead and sleep in all night.  Another family put a sleeping bag outside their master bedroom door for their daughter to sleep in if she awoke at night.  If you don’t mind and have the space, go for it.  It really won’t be happening when they’re teens, believe me.  Bottomline, if your child is waking you and you’re losing sleep feel free to be creative but don’t feel like you have to let them sleep with you.  Sometimes just being near you will be just fine. 
 
Early Morning Wake Ups
The last topic is what to do with kids who wake up earlier than mom or dad.  Actually, I’m going to tackle that topic hopefully in next one of my next podcasts but to give you a hint if you have this issue, use Special Time to brainstorm some ideas with your kid.  If your kids are really little go online and look for one of those kiddie wake-up clocks that go from red to green to signal when they can get out of bed.  More later though but feel free to email me if you need help right now.
 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast!  Getting kids to bed is a lot of work some nights but I hope you can use fun choices and set some good boundaries for getting to bed and getting ready for bed.  I pray for all of you to have a bit more sleep especially when some of us our not sleeping well right now for other reasons.   
 
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PODCAST Episode 6: Tantrums and Calm Down Time

3/20/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

Tantrums can be so draining and disruptive to happy family life so in this hour of great need I’m going to talk about the emotion behind the tantrums, how to set up “calm down” time, and then how to brainstorm with our kids after the emotion of the tantrum or bad behavior has passed.  The target for this is really parents of toddlers through elementary school so if you have a teen, I’d recommend that you listen to my second podcast called: Teens: Respect, Emotions and Brains. 
​
Emotion Behind the Tantrums
The problem with a little one having a tantrum is that it often times sets us off turning us into angry, frustrated parents who are yelling and screaming, right?  Tantrums often happen when we are most rushed or pressed for time – bedtime, getting to school, having to leave a party, getting off electronics, brushing teeth, having to do homework or practice piano.  We are just trying to get life going in the right direction when, WHAM, another a tantrum hits and really set us off.  Ugh… why me??? Why again? Why is my kid always doing this? What’s wrong with them? My other kids weren’t this bad. What’s wrong with me?  So many emotions flying and they can send us into our own adult tantrum.  

We need to help ourselves in these situations by remembering to KEEP CALM and LOVING.  Yes, it will be hard to do when our kid is having a meltdown but you need to do just that.  KEEP CALM and LOVING.  When we get pushed into yelling ourselves it means that our thinking brain has turned off and we’re in our emotional, fight-and-flight brain which is never good when dealing with kids and tantrums.  So, having ways to keep our anger under control is necessary and I’ll do a future podcast on that subject in the future but for now just keep the thought in mind that your child’s tantrum isn’t about you, it’s about them and their inability to control their world.  It’s ok that they’re upset. Your child has very few skills especially under the age of five when it comes to letting you know their dissatisfaction with whatever it is they don’t like.  They can yell, cry, scream, kick, fall on the floor like a wet noodle, and bite.  That’s it!  Later on when they’re teens they might verbally be able to spar with you but not too much when they are really young.  So, you have to keep your emotions under control and just deal with theirs.  Again, you need to be CALM and LOVING!

Calm Down Time – set the stage
 Now that we know the tantrum is about our kids’ emotions and not ours, here’s what we need to do next.  Have a safe place in your house that you can designate as a “calm down” location.  You can even ask your child during a non-emotional time where they might like to calm down when they become upset.  You need to set up a situation where your child knows and trusts you love them unconditionally and you tell them that when they get really upset you want to give them a safe place to be and time alone to calm down.  This calm down area is a place you need to make sure they understand is not a place for punishment, it’s a time of love and understanding that we all need time to calm down when we’re upset. 

Now that you have a place you might want to make sure it’s safe.  Most of the time it’s a bedroom but, wherever it is, it needs to be a place that your child is free to roam around in. If you have a smaller child who is still in a crib you can use that but for a child out of a crib you would allow them ideally to have access to the whole room.  They can have books and stuffed animals and things that can help them calm down.  It’s all ok since this is a Calm Down place like I said, not a place for punishment.  There might be a time you have to remove books if they throw them and wreck them but for now, let them have stuff to do.  They won’t even see the stuff when they are in full melt-down mode but as they come out of it, it can help. 

You should also explain to your child that as long as they stay in the room until they are calm then the door can stay unlocked and open.  Once they calm down, you’ll set a timer for 3 to 5 minutes and as long as they can keep staying calm during that time then they’ll be able to come out.  You love them and will be waiting for them to calm down so they can rejoin the family. 
 
 
Calm Down Time – let it happen
The next phase after your child knows what Calm Down Time is will be to wait.  Yep, you wait until a tantrum happens.  When your child starts having a meltdown you’re going to ask them if they’d like some Calm Down Time.  If they are small and under 5 or so, they can walk themselves or you can carry them.  If they are older, you can help direct them or just ask them to go to the Calm Down location.  You do this in a calm, loving tone of voice.  No yelling. You say something like: “Wow, I can tell you’re really upset.  It looks like you need some time to calm down. Let’s go head to the Calm Down Room.”  They might not be in great shape but you make sure in a loving manner they get to the location.  If you have older kids and they refuse to go then just let them be and say: “Ok, we’ll talk about this later.  I’m going to go to a different location so that I can remain calm.” And then you get out of the way.  I’ll talk about what to do with those rebellious kids in a minute, for now let’s assume your child made it to the room.

Now you’re going to let them choose whether or not they get to have the door open or closed.  Keep in mind that the goal is to have them calm down, it doesn’t matter if their door is opened or closed as long as they stay in their room.  I’d start with the door open and if they come out then it will be a signal that they need the door closed.  Many kids will be crying and won’t even be able to think.  If they come out with the door closed then you’re going to “lock” it which for a small child will mean that you take a towel and flip it over the top of the door.  You aren’t going to leave them in there forever and really lock them in and you’re certainly not going to leave the house but one thing you really don’t want to do is stand there holding the door closed with your hands.  If you did struggle with the door handle, the child would have lots of power of you and it would distract from this whole process.  So, get the door closed and “locked” if you need to but don’t stay right next to the door.  Go ahead and start making dinner or even read a book or watch TV with your other kids.  Create a loving environment outside the Calm Down time that makes the tantrum kid want to go back to.   

You now want to wait again.  Wait until you hear no fussing, no crying, no yelling, no pleading.  Once it’s all quiet you go ahead and open the door and ask if they are ready to set the timer.  If they start fussing and crying then you go ahead and let them know with empathy and love that it seems they need a bit more time.  However, if they can remain calm then you go ahead and have an egg timer or some other hand timer, not your cell phone, and leave it in the room or outside the room and let it run and beep.  Your child can then open the door and come out.  Then you give them hugs and kisses and say you are so happy they’re calm again.  No need to go over why they went into the Calm Down Room, they already know that they hit their brother or threw something when they weren’t supposed to or wrecked their sisters poster when they were mad.  Just let love be the result.  
 
Brainstorming and Special Time after the Tantrum
Now that the Calm Down time is over it means that your child’s brain has turned back on to their thinking brain.  Lots of the time this Calm Down time accomplishes what it needs to especially for really young ones. Our kids’ emotions boil up inside and they just need to safely let them out and know that we’ll love them when it’s over.  However, there are some situations or some kids who just keep having tantrums and we need to spend some time brainstorming with them that I call Special Time.  This is time where there aren’t other siblings and is with only one parent, time that the parent can set up that is without emotion and isn’t right after a tantrum. You will also use Special Time with those older rebellious kids who refused to go to the Calm Down location when you asked.   I would wait ½ day or maybe a full day or two after a tantrum to try Special Time.  You might need to coordinate with your spouse to take over with your other children or even send the other kids to a friend’s house or grandparents.  But you need to create an environment where you won’t get interrupted.  

Now, when you start the Special Time you can be cuddling at home on your bed, on their bed or a favorite couch, it doesn’t have to be some place exotic, just some place that is relatively soothing and without too many other distractions.  Tell your child that it’s Special Time as well so they can come to look forward to special time with you in the future.  

Next, you’re going calmly and lovingly say something like: “Wow, the other day you sure were upset.  Can we talk about that?  I want to brainstorm with you and figure out what we can do to help so that you don’t have that issue in the future.”  Then you talk about what you might do, be a team.  For the most part these special brainstorming sessions are going to be for kids about 4 or older but feel free to try them for littler ones too, you be the judge as to when to start them.  
 
Ok, that’s the learning part of the podcast. 

Now I want to tell you two stories of parents who attended the Parenting the Love and Logic Way class that I’ve been a facilitator for for many years.  One story is about a parent of a 3 ½ year old who really needed Calm Down time and the other has a first grader who turned out needing the Brainstorming session after some particularly bad behavior.  In the first story it mentions Love and Logic Institute’s toddler specific technique called the Uh Oh Song that is amazing and I’ll put some references into my podcast notes if you’d like more details and examples to use with your toddlers.  I can’t recommend it enough.  

Ok, so that first story, here’s what the mom wrote me: 

My oldest son is 3.5 years old. Before I took this class, we did a variation of Time Out for when he had temper tantrums where I'd just put him in his room, but get him after a few minutes and ask him to calm down before he could come out. Basically, I would then help him calm down by holding him, etc.
So a few days ago, I decided to apply what we learned in class about the Uh Oh Song and followed the steps, specifically leaving him in his room until he calmed down on his own. Well, he screamed and screamed on and off for 1 hour and 15 minutes!! It was agonizing listening to him and so many thoughts were going through my mind. But I stuck with it and followed through with the 3-minute timer after he had calmed and then invited him to come out. He was like a new kid, super grateful to be out and so helpful with such a great attitude afterwards.
I can imagine that the key to this technique is being super consistent so that he really learns that the quicker he calms down, the sooner he can come out. I'm looking forward to it hopefully taking less time next time. I keep thinking about that example you shared about these investments we make now during parenting (even though they can be heart-breaking and challenging) will really pay off later.
 
Such a cool story.  Now, for the second one here’s what the mom wrote me after reading my monthly newsletter:

I love reading your emails and still value so much what I learnt on your course. I won’t say I always do it perfectly but I do try. So I have an example of a situation that I am finding difficult right now. I am a scout leader at my 6-year old’s Girl Scout group. At the meetings I lead a lot of the activities which means I need to focus and ensure I am fair to everyone. My 6-year-old acts out a lot at the meetings. She demands more attention than anybody else and constantly interrupts me. I try to explain nicely that she needs to wait her turn or stop messing around, but she doesn’t hear me and starts to be nasty to me and others around her. It is extremely distracting and as I am leading I don’t have the option to remove her from the situation and have a chat about it. I end up annoyed by the end of the meeting and embarrassed as there are other parents there too. I have tried to explain calmly when we are at home that I love her very much but cannot give her special attention at Scouts. I explain that she needs to view me as if I am a teacher in this situation. The next meeting is coming up soon and I am dreading it. Do you have any suggestions on how to avoid a similar situation? Thanks, Nancy

Nancy’s issues of a child behaving badly in public certainly aren’t unique but coming up with some ideas that would best fit her daughter’s situation was.  She was able to continue explaining to me how her daughter is really hard on herself, that she gets really upset when she isn’t doing something perfectly and feels even worse when others notice when they are in public.  It seemed to me she was getting the impression she had to be perfect all the time, that she wasn’t getting enough grit training in her life.  We decided Nancy needed to sit down with Jenny and have a heart to heart before the next Girl Scout meeting to try to sort things out.  My advice was to make sure she used lots of open-ended questions and not lecture Jenny on what the outcome should be.  Her daughter needed to know that she was loved no matter how she behaved and help her learn how to have grit and know things can get better even if they go badly sometimes.  She’s only 6 so she’ll have plenty of time to practice grit if they start now. 
Nancy also thought there might be a complicating factor with her daughter reacting to the very sugary snacks that families brought to start off each scout meeting.  We decided that Nancy should do the same brainstorming with Jenny on this topic as well.  
 
Here’s what Nancy wrote back:

Hi Mary,
I had a chat with Jenny this afternoon about the meeting. We sat on the beanbag in her room and I gave her hug and told her that I love her always no matter what. Then I said you know how I chose to lead the scouts this year, just wondering if you like that I do that or would prefer I didn’t? She said she really liked it and loved spending time with me there. I then asked ‘How do you think the last meeting went?’. She replied, ‘Not too good’. I asked ‘what do you think was not good?’. She replied: "I acted out and was mean to you and others." I asked her how she felt at the last meeting. She said: ‘angry, frustrated and embarrassed because I was being bad’. I asked how it made her feel when I corrected her and asked her to stop doing something. She said that it embarrassed her and she felt like she was being bad. I asked her what she would like to do at the next meeting if I need to say something to her. She suggested to go outside to talk. I said good idea but what if I am in the middle of something and can’t leave? She thought a bit, I then suggested that maybe we should have a secret code so I could tell her when I need her to stop doing something or pay attention without others knowing. She loved that idea. I asked her to think of what she would like as a code. We had a bit of fun with that and laughed together at some of the funny ideas she came up with. She thought of 5 and I then asked her to select the one she liked the most. She picked a small teddy bear. I put it in the scouts backpack for tomorrow. She suggested then that maybe we could have a different one every week and I agreed that was a great idea. We also agreed that if she was feeling upset or angry that she could go outside the door for a break to reset regardless of what was going on. 
We then got on to the snack. That was kind of easy as she is also dairy-free right now for allergy reasons. If asked what she thought of the snacks. She said she didn’t know what it might be and if it was cookies with milk, she might not be able to have it. So, I said what can we do if it is? She suggested waiting until she got home and then having something? I said what if you are hungry? She then suggested that we bring some things from home in case. We went out to the kitchen and she chose the snacks and drink she wanted to take and was happy with that. I finished off by asking if we could have another chat after the meeting to see how she thought it went and she agreed that would be good. 

Fingers crossed for tomorrow!!   Nancy

Well, that was AMAZING but the story gets better… 
A few days later I followed up with Nancy:

The meeting went so much better than the last time. I gave her a lot of space and let her realize when she needed to share e.g. glue etc.  Then we had the moment that could have turned the meeting. Her little 3-year-old sister walked on her art project and got glue on a place it should not have gone. She got really annoyed and hit her, sister screamed and hit back. I didn’t say a word- took sister away, got the teddy and handed it to Jenny. She looked at me and kind of nodded and smiled and got back to her project. A minute later she came to me and handed back the teddy. So simple - it defused the whole situation without me needing to say a word. The rest of the meeting went really smoothly and we all went home happy. We talked about it after and she agreed it was a much better meeting. She is excited to pick another secret code for our next meeting.

Wow, amazing how that brainstorming really turned around not only bad behavior but really empowered Jenny in a way that really built more confidence and grit into her.   
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast and have some new ideas or refreshed some old ones about how to get more calm into your families – by you keeping calm and not taking offense at your child’s tantrums, by allowing your children to have calm down time and then, when needed, creating special time with them so you can brainstorm ideas about how to help empower them to keep calm in the future before tantrums can arise.  
 
Link to UH Oh Song Info
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PODCAST Episode 3 - Building Resilience: Remember to Forget

3/4/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

Thanks for coming back to listen to more practical parenting wisdom.  Today we’re going to talk about situations where a parent “forgetting” provides for powerful and helpful life-long lessons for kids. 

In this episode I’m going to go over some real examples from parents who have attended parenting classes that I’ve been facilitating since 2012, Parenting the Love and Logic Way TM.  All these parents had just learned new skills, they weren’t aged veterans who’d been doing this a long time.  In these examples you can see that just making a few changes in your parenting can have a big impact on your family.  Let’s get started with learning to forget.

MISSING SWIM TOWELS AND GOGGLES
The first story is about a mom of 4 young kids who let her two oldest daughters learn what happens when they forget stuff. Here’s what she wrote me:
I told the girls to get ready for swim class. I usually remind them to bring their towels and goggles. I had gotten busy with other things and I did not remind them. They have been going to this class all school year so they know what they need to bring with them. We drove to class and when we arrived discovered they both had forgotten their towels and goggles. I have in the past bought goggles and towels from the swim school when things have been forgotten. But today was different, I told them that since they forgot them there would be no swim class today and we drove home. There were tears and I just sympathized and said “I know” and “that really stinks”. When we got home we discussed how they used my gas and energy to drive them to nowhere. So to pay me back they both chose a chore around the house. 
Wow!  This is so cool! That mom took the bull by the horns and tried something new.  You know what happened the next week when going to swimming lessons?  Yep,  her daughters remembered both their towels and goggles.  Woohoo!

HOCKEY HOPEFULNESS
Our next story is similar.  A 10-year old boy who loves ice hockey who arrived at the rink and was just getting his gear out of his bag for a practice and noticed that his skates were missing. Yes, his SKATES. Not good. “Dad, Mom, we gotta go back home! My skates are at home!” Dad empathetically and in a low tone of voice said. “Oh nooooo that is so sad… you forgot your skates. Our house is 30 minutes away. We’re not driving there and back for your skates today. What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know. I can’t practice without my skates! The coach is going to be so mad. Why can’t we go back and get them??!!”

“As we told you, we don’t have the time or the energy to go back home. What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” He sulks…
“Would you like some suggestions?” they said.
“What? Hmm… ok…”
“Well, some kids might decide to sit on the bench and just watch practice. How would that work for you?”
“That’s no good. Coach won’t like me sitting doing nothing.”
“Well, some kids might take some money and buy a new pair of skates from the skate shop here at the rink. How would that work for you?”
“Hmm… well, I do have some money from my birthday that I could use. I’ll do that!”
So a new pair of skates was purchased using the boy’s own money.

These hockey parents used their new problem-solving skills to perfection. They gave empathy first, handed the problem back to their child and then asked if he wanted suggestions. They only gave suggestions AFTER he agree to listen to some from them. They did NOT nag, remind or berate him for the situation that he had created for himself. The NATURAL consequences of his poor decision of not packing his gear more carefully in the first place was the consequence he needed.  Some parents might look for extra punishments to pile on but there’s no need.  Love and empathy and saying things like “wow, that certainly was a bummer to forget your skates.” Is all you need to help cement the impact of the natural consequence.  This is a perfect case of “less is more”. 
 
SUNSCREEN LESSONS
Another parent attending my class accepted my challenge of letting her kids forget something.  It was summer and they were headed to Tahoe on vacation.  She was a bit tired of being responsible for applying sunscreen to her 10, 8 and 6-year-old kids.  She wanted to make sure they were covered, head to toe which is why she did it, sunburns were no fun.  Well, she decided this could be a learning opportunity for her kids and it turned out to be for herself as well.  First, she communicated her new plan. On the way to Tahoe, she told them putting on sunscreen was now their job, not hers.  They were surprised, mom had never given them the option to put it on themselves.  Well, much to her surprise, they did it!  No complaints even.  They just did it!  Mom was impressed it was so easy that she didn’t even expect they would do a good job of, they did.  They proved to her they were capable!  She was actually prepared for a bit of sunburn here and there but there was hardly any.  Wow!  Her kids were capable and she had been holding them back.  What a precious lesson for a parent to learn.  What might your child be able to do that you don’t even know since you’re not letting them prove to you and themselves that they CAN do something?
 
COLD KID
In another instance, I was at church chatting with a family from my small group which is centered around parenting young children.  I noticed their 7-year-old son was in shorts and a tee shirt jumping around with his hands deep in the pockets of his lightweight shorts.  Mom is a pretty skilled parent after being in our group for a few years.  She and I just smiled and she said how she lets her son dress himself.  I asked him if he was cold and he immediately said, “No, I’m fine.”  I loved it!  Mom was letting him learn how to dress based on the weather instead of forcing him to wear clothes that she might deem more appropriate.  He wasn’t going to freeze, we live in a mild climate, so what a great opportunity for him to learn when he’s so young.  He’s learning how he feels based on what his body is telling him, not his parents.  By the time he leaves home for college he’ll be all set.
 
COLD TEEN
However, this same lesson about weather turned out a little different with a teenage girl whose parents were attending my class.  Friday night was a football game at school and when their daughter was getting ready to go it was pretty mild weather, not cold.  She decided to head to the game in short shorts and a tank top.  She sure was cute! 

Well, by halftime they got a call.  Guess who it was?  Guess who was cold?  Could they please bring her a coat?  Oh, this was so sad, the parents said.  They were in the middle of a movie.  They wouldn’t be able to run over and bring a coat.  They were loving and gave lots of empathy to her plight of being cold. One thing they did NOT do was lecture her about how she should have brought a coat.  No nagging, no reminding is what will seal in life lessons with our kids. 

They did this perfectly and they admitted to me that they had a smile on their faces since this whole situation proved to be so predictable.  The only thing no longer predictable was them rescuing her.  A week later when their daughter left for the next football game, do you know what she was carrying in her hand?  Yep, a coat!  See, even if you have a teenager it’s possible to make progress if we allow our kids to own their actions and we don’t step in to rescue or lecture them when something goes wrong.   
 
Finder Parents
All these stories about kids who forget things reminds me of something I had to deal with myself and I find many parents have the same “skill”.  The skill I am talking about is being what I call the “Finder Parent”.  I’m sure you can guess what this might be just from the fun title I’ve given it.  We are the parents who can find anything, anywhere for our family members. 
  
·        When our kid shouts out “Where are my soccer cleats?” We are the people who tell them they are under a pile of dirty laundry in their room and not in the garage shoe bench where they should be.  If someone needs a band aid, or scissors, or a certain type of graph paper or a favorite toy? We can point to the item without batting an eye or lifting a finger. 

·        Being the Finder Parent is a tough job since as The Finder if you don’t find something like the basketball shoes before game then it is YOUR fault that a child is late or can’t play.  It’s your fault if the appropriate coat can’t be found or a school form is missing that needs to be turned in.  It’s a job with very few rewards and many downsides like getting yelled at or being made to feel guilty that someone wasn’t ready for some event or another on time because YOU couldn’t find something.  This totally sucks! Who signed us up for such a thankless task?  We did!  Yep… every one of us signed ourselves up.  Why?  We just want things to go well!  We want people to be on time and have their stuff and us knowing immediately where things are really helps.  Or does it?  Hmmm….

·        As you can probably tell by now The Finder is really a house helicopter and if that’s you that is one job you need to resign from ASAP!  Yep, just resign. 

·        When you see your kids kick off their shoes in random places and they don’t care that they might not be able to find them later, then you need not care either.  When a kid’s water bottle is left in the car and not refilled because they forgot to bring it in, you forget that too.  They yell in the morning “Where’s my water bottle?” as they’re getting their things together you just lovingly say “I don’t’ know honey, where did you leave it?  I bet if you look you can find it.”  “I looked; I can’t find it!”  You reply lovingly in an empathetic tone of voice, “That’s so sad, what are you going to do about it?” 

·        When your kid has to go to soccer or baseball and they pick up their gear bag without looking inside to see if everything is there, make sure you don’t look either.  I know, it’s soooo tempting but, just don’t look.  Once you get to the field and your kid finally notices they don’t have their shin guards or cup, you just give them love and empathy.  “Oh no, that is too bad.  I’m so sorry. “ You don’t start lecturing.  You just give love and empathy!!  That will be really, really hard but just hold to that – love and empathy.  “But mom, I can’t play without shin guards!”  “I know, that’s so sad.”  “Why didn’t you pack my gear?!  It’s your fault!  Go home and get it right now so I can play!”  This will be a hard game for them to sit out but you just say in that loving and empathetic voice you’ve been practicing, “I can see how you might feel that way but in our house your gear is your gear.  I love you and I’m sure next time you’ll get everything in your bag.”  This whole scenario will work a lot better if you have a family meeting ahead of time to lay out the new Family Rule that your children own their gear and get it ready, not you.  I would encourage you to add to a  rule for unpacking gear being their job too -  sports gear,  lunchboxes, and backpacks should all be included in that list. 

·        It’s hard to watch our kids fail but the more we let them own their “stuff” and the earlier in their lives they know it’s “their stuff” then they learn to not rely on others to take care of it, but to responsible and that’s what we need them to be   in the long run.  Remember, our goal is to create responsible adults and doing that will involve lessons like all of these.
​
One last thought I have for all of you is that I want you to know that I’m not asking you to abandon your kids.  I certainly want to encourage you to help and coach your kids moving toward the right behaviors.  To accomplish this we need to be coaches, giving them hints from the sidelines where we brainstorm with them maybe how to come up with a list of items that go into a sports gear bag or what needs to go into a backpack before leaving for school.  We don’t’ step in early and give them a plan; we wait till they ask and we give empathy and love when things aren’t going well instead of lecturing and taking over.  It’s hard to watch sometimes but in the long run things will get better and better when we learn to forget. 

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STOPPING REPEATED BEHAVIORS -- HOW?

10/17/2019

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Many parents find themselves pulling out their hair and punishing for the same behaviors day after day.  There doesn't seem to be a real consequence that gets to the heart of our kids so that they understand that a certain behavior is unacceptable EVERY day, not just when they are caught each day.  

If you find yourself correcting bad behavior over and over again, day after day, it's time to have a sit down talk.  I call it a Brainstorming Session, it's problem solving for a family situation.  The session is so that problem solving skills can be used to squash the behavior which has gotten out of control.  

Here's how it works:  

1 - Plan a Meeting
Have it be in a quiet place where things are calm.  For kids 6 to 18 consider going out to a sit-down restaurant so that a longer conversation is possible and no one can walk out.  If multiple kids are involved, they all should be invited. Plan the meeting a few days out and keep in mind that you and your child need to be in a good mood or at least not emotional for this to work. 

2 - Talk about Ideas
While sitting together let your child(ren) know that a certain behavior is bothering you.  Tell them that this is an opportunity to brainstorm ideas about how to stop the behavior since what you've been doing hasn't worked.  

It's important to get their input!  If the problem is your kids are hitting each other or taking each other's stuff talk about how to separate either the stuff or the kids into "safe zones" in the house or car.  Be creative!  Set up physical barriers if needed, even enlisting help to build them.  

If your child is screeching all the time, maybe come up with a word or phrase to use which will let them know they are above your limits.  You might get a comfort toy that they hold to help them calm down or have them go to their room.  But you might say: "I already have them go to their room!".  Yes,  you probably do but this is a discussion ahead of time where your child is offered choices of where they'd like to go or what they'd like to do when the annoying behavior happens.  That way it's not a punishment as much as a given and it's not done in anger.  You tell your child with empathy and love what was already decided.

3 - Narrow the List and TRY!
Once you brainstorm a few ideas set up a trial period.  This allows our kids to see that problems are solved over time, not immediately.  Try something for a week then try a different thing the next week.  

4 - Check in
Lots of families forget this important step!  They come up with an idea or two and implement it thinking it will work forever.  Even it if is working it's wonderful to check in and say: "Wow!  That really changed things!"  Or, as might happen:  "Well, that was interesting this week.  It seems we might need some tweaking.  What should we try next week?"  Keep checking in each week.  Communication is super important and builds relationship and trust. 

Some of you might find that the first idea is terrible, that your kid immediately disobeys or ignores you.  No problem, schedule ANOTHER meeting sooner but not while you're angry.  Talk about how that idea needs to be revamped.  Ask your child what is setting off the bad behavior and work with them to find ways to better control what is happening to them.  If it's a sibling taking things and barriers aren't working maybe it's a lock on a cabinet.  If it's screeching that bothers your ears, maybe it's a farther away room that they go to.  If the electronics are still being misused maybe it's time to try a week without any electronics.  

It can be tiring but once annoying behaviors are worked through there's a huge payoff in sanity so keep at it!
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Meltdowns and Tantrums By Age!

9/19/2019

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Meltdowns
Sometimes our kids just melt and it is not from the summer heat.  :)  It can be at the most inopportune times and might make us want to pull out our hair.  Here are a few ideas of what a parent might do based on age.  I hope it helps!

Toddler Melt
These adorable, amazing creatures are the ones with the fewest skills so their meltdowns are from the heart, body and soul.  They just encompass their whole being and, boy, that can be tough!  You're in the mall and the distress of putting them back in the stroller can just set them off.  The thing to remember is this child only has a few skills to use on you:  crying, screaming, kicking, biting, and acting like a wet noodle while doing one or more of the other behaviors.  

What to do?  Yep, you've guessed what I'm going to say, KEEP CALM by going BRAIN DEAD.  It's not about you, it's about the kid who has no skills to communicate their displeasure.  You might be a target of anger but you need to let them burn off their steam.  It might be embarrassing and annoying but you losing it by yelling and screaming will only make it all worse.  Taking a deep breath and saying:  "This is soooo sad."  and "I knoooooow."  are all possible words to use.  Don't give in to get the crying over,  just let the crying and such come while keeping yourself safe from kicking and biting.  Empathy and love is what is needed no matter how undeserving your child might seem at the time.  

Elementary Melt
This can be similar to the classic Toddler Melt but the kids have more skills and can grab our hearts and tug really hard to make us give in and/or lose our lids.   Kids melt when they feel things are beyond them -- piano is hard, math is hard, putting things in their backpack is hard, their best friend won't play with them, they can't watch a video on your phone, whatever.  They will still cry and melt the same as a toddler and no longer go into wet-noodle mode but you apply the same strategy -- go BRAIN DEAD!  Their brains are firing on all cylinders so make sure you don't get involved until AFTER their emotions calm down.  Give them EMPATHY and LOVE, not yelling and telling.  You can use PROBLEM SOLVING after the emotions pass but please, please wait until the emotions pass before trying to get solutions into the mix.

Teen Melt
As our kids get older their skills and emotions get more and more in check so when a melt down happens it's serious heart wrenching stuff.  Yikes!  It might be about a friendship breakup, loss of a computer game or a "bad" grade on a test.  They'll feel like failures, betrayed, and deeply hurt.  For some teens when their hormones are raging these meltdowns might happen more than others but the strategy is still the same... make sure YOU go BRAIN DEAD!  Please don't react and try to control the emotions.  Unconditional love during hard times is what teens need, not solutions.  Give them hugs,  say things like "I knoooooow" or "That must be hard."

The bottom line of all this?  Although it's tough to remain calm, it's really essential that in the worst of times our kids know we are there for them in a loving and empathetic way.   Those of you who can nurture that when your kids are young and allow your kids to trust that you will be there even during a meltdown will have teens who trust you and want to have a relationship with you.   
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When Good Kids to "Bad" Things

5/1/2019

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Does your child ever do something "bad" just to get your attention?  And sometimes it's "super bad"?  Argh!  It might even be hugely embarrassing to you and your entire family which just throws fuel on to the fire brewing inside you, right?

I've had a few situations thrown my way recently where even I've been amazed at the stories but after brainstorming the why and the what to do with parents I've noticed that the "why" part was connected to the "how to fix it" part in a way we weren't expecting.  

One little boy who was only in first grade decided to expose himself at school  Yikes!  Guess who landed in the principals office?  Yep, the kid AND the parents.  Ugh... embarrassing!  The challenge was that even after a 'talking to" by the principal that adorable little boy did it AGAIN and AGAIN!  

Well, that brave mom reached out to me since she had come to my class a few years ago hoping for some new ideas.  We decided to BRAINSTORM together and noticed:
  • Her son was the middle child of 3 and wasn't getting much positive attention.
  • He told her one night, when things were calm, that he just did it to get attention and how much he liked attention from others
The ideas we came up with here two fold:
  1. Mom would use the PROBLEM SOLVING technique to work with her son to figure out some new ways to get attention.  
  2. Mom would spend some "Special Time" with her son doing something they'd both enjoy where he could receive tons of her positive attention and love.
Mom went off and immediately set to work!  She and her son were able to go through a few suggestions about "what SOME kids might do" to get positive attention.  Then she scheduled time where the two of them went out for an event together.  The amazing thing is that the flashing stopped IMMEDIATELY once he was empowered with new ideas about how to get positive attention.  He also had a way to let his mom know when he was needing extra attention.  Just the other day he sweetly said that he'd like another date with her.  

Success!

And that's not all... another mom of a 3 year old was horrified and stunned at her son misbehaving in Trader Joes.  He was reaching out and pulling at things and almost hit the clerk at the check-out.  Yikes!  What to do?  She was so appalled that she couldn't think of anything to do except call me.  Yeah!  I love it!  We brainstormed and came up with basically two similar ideas: 
  1. He wasn't getting any "cute" attention when they'd go out in public because the adorable 1 year old sister was getting it.  They were always together since he wasn't in preschool yet.  Mom needed to use ENERGY DRAIN to let her son know how much this impacted her energy.  
  2. Mom needed to get some fun "Special Time" planned with him so that he could soak up her loving attention and get a re-set on her love for him.
This mom was able to get energy back by laying on the couch.    Ah ha!  He hopped to when he figured that mom meant what she said; she was too drained.  :)  He and mom were also able to have that Special Time and he hasn't had any flair ups since... that was yesterday but... hey... it's still progress, right?  Mom is learning!  

My take-away from all of this is to encourage all of you to evaluate whether or not you're scheduling "Special Time" with your kids.  I know everyone is busy but some things are worth investing in especially as a way to prevent or curb "bad" behaviors that often are related to our not having enough time to encourage "good" ones.  Write and let me know what you think!
 
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To Quit or Not to Quit

2/1/2019

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It seems that every parent has to cross the threshold of their child wanting to quit an activity.  It could be piano, basketball, soccer, violin, clarinet, tutoring, gymnastics, karate, whatever.  Sometimes it's just private lessons that only impact your child while other times it's quitting a team which adds a whole other dimension of problems and guilt.
I just want to start out saying that the reason this is so tough is because there IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.  Yep,  you really have to take lots of things into consideration, it's not a one-stop-shop.  Here are few things that I considered when my boys wanted to quit piano when they were in elementary school:
  • How miserable is your child and/or your family with the whining and complaining?
    • Yes, I'm being totally honest.  This was a hot button for me.  Every week we had to nudge and cajole our kids to practice before the next lesson.  My one son loved his instructor but never wanted to practice.  It's good not to give up too quickly since sometimes a child struggles when things get harder and they really can push through and get to a better place.  However, sometimes it is a true lack of interest, talent or there are other competing issues.  After a year of whining we agreed we had had enough.  Some families might switch instructors, use rewards, modify schedules for breaks or practice and that works for them.  I tried many of those things but they didn't last long.  Don't give up just because I did on piano, but think about it.  (The happy ending was that when both our kids got to middle and and high school they both knew enough music to do really fun things with it. )
  • Who chose the activity in the first place?
    • In my case, it was me who really wanted the lessons, something I never got as a kid.   My boys were ok signing up for lessons when we started,  they were even excited.  
  • Is there a natural stopping point to exit gracefully?
    • In sports there is often a team that your child will be disappointing if they quit mid-season.  In our case, we didn't have a team, just our son.  We figured out a good time to quit and just quietly ended the lessons.  Later on in high school our son wanted to quit band in the middle of a season.  Ouch.  That was a tough one.  After meeting with the director and discussing things with lots of emotion and anguish, we agreed that, although it was a hard decision for him to make, one that had lots of consequences, he could live with it.  Having loving people around you when decisions are hard is what Love and Logic is all about, that was the role my husband and I played.  EMPATHY is the best tool at times like these.  
  • When one ends, choose another
    • I love it when a family agrees to end one activity and as part of the brainstorming they allow and/or help the child pick a new activity to try.  Be careful not to let your child give up activities only to replace them with electronics or other sedentary activities.  In my house the boys got to choose their activities but they had to choose something, not nothing (aka electronics).  

I use my piano story here but want to let you know that it wasn't my only parenting journey into lessons that involved quitting or moving on.  I had a star soccer player who, after investing in goalie lessons in addition to club teams and such, decided he wanted to play basketball.  No problem,  we moved on to basketball school teams and club teams in addition to shooting lessons.  It worked!  He was great!  But then he went off to college and now he's totally hooked on rock climbing and never picks up a basketball.  What's the theme?  He's active and athletic.  Yeah!  He does play electronics but at least he has the bigger picture of taking care of his health and he truly enjoys being active.  

It was worth all those lessons and all that whining.  He wasn't a quitter,  he was exploring life and we helped him on his journey by brain storming and problem solving these issues when we came upon them.  It wasn't always easy but life wasn't meant to be.

Oh yeah, by the way,  he now has started music lessons and invested in a keyboard and guitar using his own time and money, not mine.  Amazing!  

If you'd like another thoughtful article to read on this subject try this one by Katy Abel on the FamilyEducation website:
QUITTING ARTICLE
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Brain Dead Secrets

1/2/2019

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What is the secret sauce to making ourselves remain calm when our kids push our buttons?  Like when our kids are fighting over some toy?  Or, our teenager makes some snarky remark about how stupid we are?  Or maybe when our kid deliberately lies to our face and thinks they can get away with it?  Or perhaps when our toddler drops our cell phone and cracks the screen?  Ugh!  We just want to scream, RIGHT????

One of the most fundamental concepts as a parent that we HAVE to master is the ability to go BRAIN DEAD.  Well, if it's so fundamental then why is it so hard to do?  What's the SECRET???

First, a quick refresher:  Going "Brain Dead" means that when we are about to blow our top because our kids are pushing our buttons, we STOP and go Brain Dead.  Yep,  we just shut up, cancel our emotions and say things like "I knooooooow..." in the most calm and boring way possible.  Or, we just keep a straight face and say nothing.  Your kid might not like it since they might be yelling "Why are you doing that?"  but you keep calm and don't take the bait.  Just keep calm.  

But... how???

It is HARD to do.  We are upset and emotional ourselves and we're being asked to be calm?  Impossible!  Or, at least, it seems that way.  However, it is probably the single most important skill to learn to up your parenting game.  If you can keep calm then your kids won't control you by making you out of control.  This is POWERFUL stuff!

BRAIN DEAD SECRETS
  • Have a helper 
    This person might be your spouse or other good friend who can help give you hints from the sidelines.  My husband and I used to say "Honey, I think the cat needs to be fed." while pulling on our ear.  That was our official signal that emotion was creeping in and that person needed to go Brain Dead.  You and your partner set up what your signal is BEFORE things go badly.  
  • Leave the room
    Yep, sometimes you need to say to your child that you are too upset to talk, that you need a Parent Calm Down Session.  Go in your room or on a walk around the block, anywhere except near your child.  It can help things go better if you actually prep your children ahead of time about what a Calm Down Session is for during a Family Meeting after dinner or some other calm time so that they don't panic or feel abandoned (and to up the odds of them actually leaving you alone!).  
  • Put reminders around the house
    Put up yellow stickies all over the house reminding you (during pleasant times) of the phrase "Brain Dead".  One family tried this for a month.  They put up 10 stickies in different places.  They read them as they roamed their house during the day when they were calm.  Try the fridge, the bathroom mirror, the steering wheel in your car, on the toilet seat... anywhere that works.  My advice would include having someone move them around the house so you can be surprised when you find them, sort of like love notes but of a different sort.  
  • Get boring
    When we learn this skill we use the "I knooooooow" as a classic response but to do it well I would recommend taking a DEEP breath, really DEEP and then saying the phrase while blowing out all that air we just took in.  It should take 5-8 seconds!  Really slow... really boring and without emotion... just a bunch of air.  
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Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting Podcaster and Educator
Independent Facilitator of Parenting
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