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Podcast 14 - Chores - Why and How

6/24/2020

1 Comment

 
THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​

I’ve had quite a few people asking me about chores – how to set them up, do you pay for them, how much do you pay, is allowance tied to chores, do I need chore charts with rewards, what do I do if my kid won’t do their chores.  In this podcast I want to address all those issues and more.  Chores let your kids develop life skills that, if taught well, will launch them into a good place in life.  I’ll start with the research behind why chores are important and then I’ll get into the nitty-gritty of how to implement chores with kids of various ages. 

First, the research…

Research shows that kids who do chores grow into happier, healthier, far more successful adults, and the sooner parents start them on them, the better off they are.  There have been two ground-breaking studies looking at success and correlations with behavior and upbringing.  One is the Harvard Grant Study which gathered data on individuals over 75 years and the other is a University of Minnesota study looking at individuals over 20 years.   Both published a ton of results in 2015.  Here are some brief observations I want to highlight for you:

  1. It starts young: The best predictor of success in young adulthood, on measures related to education completion, career path, and personal relationships, was whether they had begun doing chores at an early age — as young as 3 or 4.
  2. Professional success – doing chores was significantly correlated with academic and career success but there are even indications that early chores were linked to higher IQs. 
  3. Relationship skills - “A kid who learns early to do chores will be a more generous and cooperative partner. It’s easier to live and work with a person who has learned to take care of his or her own stuff and to be responsible for some of the boring work that adult and family life requires.”  Chores teach kids vital relationship skills like cooperation, teamwork, and respect for others. I bet we all know someone in college who was the biggest slob and thoughtless roommate ever - never picked up after themselves, didn’t do the dishes, left the counter dirty and disgusting after cooking.  Yuck. 
  4. Mental Heath - researchers found that participation in chores as children was a better predictor for mental health in adulthood than social class and family conflict.
  5. Organization, Time Management and delayed gratification - Kids who do chores learn to organize their time and to delay gratification. Both of those are vital skills for later success.  If you have to do the dishes before playing video games and your friends are playing at 7pm then you’d better get those dishes done before then.  Having to fit in chores forces kids learn to manage their time. Julie Lythcott-Haims who wrote the book How to Raise an Adult said, “While it can be tempting to give kids a pass on busy homework nights real life is going to require them to do all of these things. When they're at a job, there might be times that they have to work late, but they'll still have to go grocery shopping and do the dishes."






Taking Time for Chores

In the Harvard Grant Study, researchers identified two things that people need in order to be happy and successful: The first? Love. The second? Work ethic.

What's the best way to develop work ethic in young people? Based on high-achievers who were part of the study there's a consensus of what gave them a good work ethic - A "pitch-in" mindset.  This is a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me ... that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.

The drawback we have as parents, however, is that having our kids do chores doesn't necessarily wind up being less work for us, does it?  It takes more time to teach our kids to do chores and to do them well instead of just doing the chores ourselves.  How many of us look forward to nagging our kids and reminding them day after day to do their chores away?  Now that we know the benefits of doing chores for the long-term, let’s take a close look at the practical side of what we can do to help us arrange for chores in our households.

PRACTICAL SIDE OF CHORES

To Pay or Not to Pay For Chores

I want to start by addressing one major issue - should we pay for chores.  I firmly believe we shouldn’t.  A family is a unit of people who need each other and love each other.  It takes work to take care of a family and there’s no reason why kids can’t learn at an early age that pitching in is just something they need to do.  Remember that life skill we learned about earlier?  The “pitching in” skill?  We do need to set up chores with love and encouragement though instead of nagging and threats. 

When we pay our kids for chores, they start to think that if they don’t get paid then they don’t have to work.  Or, if they don’t need the money, then they don’t need to do the chores either.  They become workers for hire and not contributing family members.  We threaten to withhold money when they aren’t done and this shouldn’t be about money, it should be about pitching in.

I do want to say that I believe in giving kids an allowance as a means to learn about handling money but it should be separate from chores.  Teaching kids about money is so important actually that I’ll do separate podcast soon on it so stay tuned for that. 

By Age

To help you on the practical side of things, I’m going to go over my recommendations for chores by age.  I’m going to give you some basic examples but after you’re done listening feel free to visit my PARENTING DECODED Pinterest board on Kids Chores.

For kids 2-3 years
You want to start young.  Yep, really young.  I’d start as early as two.  Richard Bromfield who wrote the book How to Unspoil Your Child Fast put it nicely, “When kids are really young, they want to help you rake leaves or prepare dinner.  Take those opportunities to let kids help. Those moments are infused with love and connection. By the time they're older and really able to do [those tasks] competently, they've lost interest."  Cape diem!  Seize the day!  A 2 or 3-year-old helping to sweep the back porch, dust the book shelves, or make a snack in the kitchen with a parent is a happy kid.  When they grow up and inevitably have to accomplish these things, they’re less likely to rail against them if you started early and naturally. 

What can a 2 or 3-year-old do?
  • Pick up toys
  • Wipe up spills
  • Dust
  • Clear places at meal times
  • Help put away groceries
  • Sort recycling
  • Put dirty clothes in laundry​







For 4-6 year-olds you start to move into chores that are more helpful and they can learn to do these without you but still aren’t too hard. 
  • Make their bed
  • Sort laundry and put away clothes
  • Feed pet
  • Set the table
  • Make a small snack or help with dinner
  • Pull weeds
  • Water plants
  • Vacuum
  • Sweep porch

For 7-9 years there is LOTS they can do. 
  • Get themselves out of bed in the morning
  • Make lunch for school
  • Do their laundry or at least fold it
  • Cook a simple meal
  • Load/unload dishwasher
  • Clean up after the dog
  • Clean the bathroom
  • Take out the trash

For 10-18 and beyond
  • Do all of their own laundry
  • Mow the lawn
  • Cook a complete meal
  • Wash the car
  • Mop the floors
  • Babysit
  • Help with younger children
  • Basic home repairs (light bulbs, dust a fan using a ladder, tighten loose screws)

Older kids Starting Chores Ideas

I want to talk now to families with older kids who haven’t been doing chores or almost no chores yet.  I’m mostly talking about families with teens or tweens but if you have elementary kids who aren’t doing chores this can be helpful to you as well.

If you have kids in this category,  it will be a huge adjustment for them, that’s for sure.  Our society has transitioned to valuing homework more than teamwork so we’ve given our kids a “pass” when it comes to contributing and they’re likely to resist your efforts to get them to contribute. 

For starters, I am going to give you the number one chore you need to have your teen or tween start doing right now.   It only involves them.  If they don’t do this chore, it only hurts them – not you, not the rest of the family, not even the family dog or cat.  What is it?  LAUNDRY. 

Set up a Family Meeting and announce that starting in one week you’ll allow your children to do their own laundry whenever they’d like as long as you’re not using the machines yourself.  You allow them to choose when to have a lesson on how to use the washer and dryer.  You also let them know that once they are trained, they are responsible for using the appliances appropriately or paying for the repairs.  Lovingly let them know that you will always provide soap and answer specialty questions that arise but their laundry will now be their laundry.

Then, you implement this.  Things might get stinky in their rooms.  Just shut the door.  They need to take care of themselves and this is the perfect life skill and chore for them to own. Some parents think they’ll waste water but that is much less likely than them not cleaning their clothes often enough. 

Here’s what else you need to do: no yelling, no reminding or nagging.  If you have an athlete, all the more reason to get them in the groove early.  They might come to realize they need more underwear to stretch out washings to once a week or once every two weeks.  Great!  Let them buy more underwear!  They can use their own money.  If they dye a load of laundry pink because they didn’t separate their colors correctly, let them wear pink or replace things with their own money.  If your child won’t fold their laundry, won’t put it away?  Don’t lift a finger.  Let them wear wrinkled clothes.  Let them figure out what is clean and what is dirty.  Just stay away.  Assist them by answering questions by all means, just don’t do their laundry.

Ok,  feeling better?  Do you think you can get that one implemented at your house?  Good!  This laundry chore will get you on a path toward where you really want to be, getting them more involved in chores around the house.  So, what’s next?

Here’s what I did with my boys when they hit middle school.  This process I’m going to describe takes a bit of time to implement but I really think it is worth the effort.  It absolutely was for me.

Start by taking a piece of binder paper and taping it to the fridge in your kitchen.  Every day, many times a day, write the chores that everyone in the family does on the list.  Take about two weeks to write all the chores so that you get a really good cross section of things that need getting done.  Add pages as they get full.  I told my boys about the list and encouraged them to write down their chores if they didn’t see them on the list but it was a list of all our chores, not just theirs. 

What was on the list? Grocery shopping, driving kids to school, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, paying bills, earning the money to pay the bills, vacuuming, planting the garden, making beds, cleaning the dishes, setting the table, etc.  Our list was about three pages long in the end. 

Next, organize the list into categories – daily (making beds, setting the table), weekly (taking garbage bins to the street, combing the cat), monthly (clean their bathroom) and random (changing light bulbs, refilling TP, washing the car). I happen to put all mine into a spreadsheet so I could more easily manipulate them and add columns for who will do each chore but do whatever works for you. 

Last step, have a Family Meeting and brainstorm who does what.  True confession, the first time I did this I hadn’t categorized by daily/weekly/monthly and it was a disaster.  I had to re-think my process and hold another Family Meeting a few days later which is what I’m describing now.  Haha… you can learn from my mistakes! 

My kids had already had chores but this magic list showed them that mom happened to be doing LOTS of the chores with dad in second place.  I was a stay-at-home mom at the time so it wasn’t all that surprising. 
For their daily chores I just asked before school for two simple things in their rooms –straighten up their beds and open their blinds.  I love light in my house and I really wanted that help.  They agreed it seemed reasonable.  They had other daily chores but those were my wins by doing this.

For their weekly chores, they got to decide when they did them – which days worked best in their busy schedules.  This is where using choices was key.  I wanted them done,  they could say when! They also chose that some chores they would own and others would rotate.  It seemed that neither wanted to clean the litter boxes for our cats so they rotated that one with taking the garbage bins to the street.  I was flexible!  It didn’t matter to me when, just that they helped. 

I also had commitment from my husband and boys that if I cooked, they’d clean the dinner dishes. We would all take our plates over to the counter but then one boy would help dad wash the pots and load the dishwasher and the other one was responsible for cleaning up the leftovers and counters.  Again, choices!  I could chill while they happily picked their after-dinner music and cleaned up.  It never took more than 15 minutes.  This again was a chore I used to pretty much do all by myself and not always happily.  Another win!

However,  my real coupe, if you ask me, came when I showed them the “random” list of jobs, the ones that don’t have a schedule.  It had about 40 jobs on it.  I was pretty much doing most of the 40 jobs and they all could see that now.  Before we created this list,  they had no idea how long it was.  I asked them to each pick 4 jobs from the list.  I didn’t care which ones, just pick and be responsible.  Their eyes lit up.  Only four!  Wow!  That’s a steal!  They were expecting 15 or something.  While that doesn’t seem quite fair in some ways to me, I was thrilled to have one son now be the permanent light-bulb-changer and the other the toilet-paper-refiller and foaming-soap-refiller. 

I can’t even remember the other ones but it was awesome.  Just the week before we did this list I had asked one of my sons to replace a lightbulb. They had no interest whatsoever especially since we had high ceilings and a lot of them needed a ladder to get to.  Well, the very next week after the new jobs were selected, I got 4 light bulbs changed from a happy teen. Yep!  He smiled and just went off to change them. 

I encourage you all to make your list and get buy-in for some assistance.  Chores are good for your kids even if they won’t admit it. 

Chore Charts, Chore Jars and Chore Events

Next,  I’m going to talk about how you might track and set up the chores.  There are quite a few clever ways I’ve been researching that parents accomplish getting their kids to know what chores to do - chore charts, chore jars and chore days or mornings.

Chore Charts – a simple chart that has chores listed and maybe the days of the week.  You can use a marker or stickers that the child can show they are done with a chore.  Simple.  Some families collect stars and give a reward but since rewards are kinda like paying for chores I’m not all that keen on rewards, just charts for tracking what’s to be done.  If your child can’t read, by all means use pictures.  If your child is older, have Family Meetings to discuss what chores will be done by whom and when.  The more choices you can give your kids over chores, the more ownership they will have in completing them.
 
Chore jars - I love some of the Pinterest ideas where you take popsicle sticks and write all the chores on them and put them in a jar.  Each person in the family can then pick a stick, do the job and then put it in the “completed” jar when they’re done.  Have different jars for different ages if you need to.  Be creative! 

Chore days or mornings - Some families pick one day on the weekend, maybe Saturday morning, where they all do chores together.  A list is posted that morning of what needs to be done and everyone pitches in until they are all completed.

Consequences for Not Doing Chores

Let’s move on.   We might agree on the concept of chores but what if our kids won’t do them without lots of nagging and threats?  We need to stop nagging and threatening.  I need you to go back and listen to Podcast #10 on how to set up good consequences.  Using the Love and Logic® technique called Energy Drain that those of you who came to a class learned, as well as setting some good limits as to what will happen if chores aren’t done, is the direction you need to head in.  If you don’t know the Energy Drain technique I’ll put a link to the audio you can download it from Love and Logic®. 

When kids are younger a simple limit stated positively like: “Anyone who has finished their chores is welcome to sit down at the dinner table.” Or “I read books to kids who have put their clothes in their hamper.”  These work really well for little ones.   For snarky teens and tweens you might need something more like, “Gee, it really drains my energy to see all those dishes sitting in the sink. What are you going to do to put my energy back?”  If they refuse, just like I describe in Podcast #10, the next day might look like: “I drive kids to school or soccer practice who have put my energy back.”  Or, “I allow kids to use electronics who’ve put my energy back.”  You need to keep calm and you need to not nag or yell.  I know it can be hard but, believe me, if you’re consistent, your kids will trust that you mean what you say.

I do want to cover one more advanced concept that worked great for my own boys.  I never yelled or nagged about doing chores.  I let it be known that I’d be happy to do any chore for them and I posted a list of charges on my kitchen bulletin board.  It was only $20 for me to take the garbage bins to the street, $5 to refill TP  and $10 to comb the cat. Everything had a price.  I collected my charges once a month from the pink note cards that went on the bulletin board to track when I did a job for them.  It allowed me to be a happy mom and they got to be responsible since they didn’t like giving me their money.  This whole setup I’ll explain in a future podcast on how to teach kids about money but for now put prices on things.  I also bargained to take down a pink card if they did one of my jobs.  I was flexible!  I’d even tell you to feel free to post what you’ll pay kids to do your chores if they want to earn money as well. 

Did I give you enough practical ideas on how to get some chores done at your house?  I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you.  Realizing that our kids need chores is what I hope I’ve accomplished here.  Let your kids grow and experience real life, get them out of the academic and performance-oriented bubble our society has been forcing them in to.  Help create humans who care to pitch in and understand that life isn’t all about them; it’s about creating a loving environment where we can work to solve problems together. 

I loved how Julie Lycott-Haims wrote in her book, How to Raise an Adult, “By making them do chores -- taking out the garbage, doing their own laundry -- they realize I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life. It's not just about me and what I need in this moment."

​Here's the link to PINTEREST KIDS CHORE BOARD

1 Comment

PODCAST Episode 11: Screen Time Issues Part 1

4/28/2020

81 Comments

 
THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      LISTEN

As most parents have noticed screens are a constant source of friction in our households that just never seems to end. 
 
This podcast is the first of two parts; Part 1 targeting younger families and how to deal with what I call “family screens.” I go over ways we can set up screens in our family in such a way that there are limits with obedience, and if there’s not,  how to set up effective consequences.  Although the target audience for Part I is parents with toddlers to middle schoolers there are really fundamental things for all families to set up so it’s best to listen to this before moving on to Part 2 even if you have older kids.  On the flip side, even if you have younger kids I recommend you listen to Part 2 when it comes out so you can prepare for what’s ahead. This issue is super, super difficult, constantly changing, hard to understand and it’s so important for us parents to be on top of this and stay current.
 
As I mentioned,  Part 1 is going to deal with what I call “family screens”.  These are the electronics in your house that are family owned – iPads, laptops, tablets, TVs, gaming systems and such that are shared among the family members.  This is usually the stage from toddler until late elementary to middle school when kids start getting their own phones and laptops.  In this podcast I’m going to cover 8 rules for what I think it takes to set up good screen time then in Part 2 I’ll cover my final 5 rules dealing with older kids when individual cell-phones, laptops and other electronics come in to play. 
 
With that said,  let’s dive in!
 
RULE 1: Keep Electronics Out of Bedrooms
This is essential.  If there’s nothing else you do as a result of listening to this podcast, please do this one.  It’s the most impactful both short term and long term.  You also want to keep them out of other private places like bathrooms and offices.  This includes laptops, cell phones, TVs and e-books.  Just set this rule up when they are very young and get it into the family routine and you’ll save yourself huge headaches when Part 2 comes into your lives. Why such a rule?  Not only do you protect your kids from inadvertent or explicit surfing to dangerous websites and trolling but you’re also making sure that when they are older that they don’t shut you out of their lives.  These devices are so powerful and entertaining that as they hit middle and especially high school your kids can easily close you out of their lives.  Their friends can be with them 24/7 and they won’t need you at all!  I’ve watched lots of families lose important emotional connections with their children when devices allow them to hibernate in their bedrooms.
 
 
RULE 2: Keep Electronics in Public Places
Well, if you’ve got Rule 1 down then get a freebee pretty much with this one!  Just keep things in the open. 
 
If your child has to do homework and they normally do it in their room I would set the limit using Rule 2 that they’re welcome to do their homework in their room but if it involves a computer then it needs to be done elsewhere in a public area.  Wow!  Really, Mary?  Yep!  Elsewhere.  When my boys were in middle and high school I dedicated my dining room table to homework.  Yes, it was messy but we had an agreement that when guests came to dinner they would clear off the table into the two plastic laundry tubs that I kept hidden in the front closet.  It worked perfectly!  I got to see them and do things like feed them snacks and say hi to their friends when they came over to study.  I didn’t hover but I was around.  If you have room in your house on the kitchen table, dining table or family room area, consider making one of those places available for kids to use computers safely.  Now that my boys are out of college I have a neat dining room every day and I miss them like crazy.  It was a short-term, 6 to eight year investment in having a messy area in my house all the time but totally worth it!
 
I also highly recommend that all devices are charged in public places.  Many families put a charging station in their kitchen or family room.
 
RULE 3: Set Time Limits and Stick to Them
The American Academy of Pediatrics says that for kids 2-5 years they should have only 1 hour a day of screens which includes TV time.  However, for kids 6 and over they say that having consistent limits on time and type are the most important things to set up.  In other words, a family with the limit of 1 hour a day and 2 on the weekends is fine but so is another family with a limit of 30 minutes of TV during the week with 2 hours of computer on the weekend.  As you can see,  these all have limits and defining them is what will help you the most.  Our kids really thrive on structure and every time they can’t tell what the structure of a situation is they see it as an opportunity to set their own limits which, when it comes to screens, they want to be unlimited.  Not good at all!  But,  what about special circumstances like COVID-19 that are going on now?  From all that I’ve read on the professional boards and articles from people who know way more than I do,  we can relax the limits in extenuating times but as you relax them and rely on them a bit more to provide much needed mental health for yourselves and your kids remember to still have limits.  If you need 3 hours a day of break using computer time to do it, fine, just don’t let it be 8-10 hours a day whenever your kids are driving you crazy. 
 
We are going to talk about time limits for teens more in Part 2 but for now take in the idea that screen time is a privilege and kids don’t get it all the time just because they want it. 
 
RULE 4: Define Consequences
Here is where things go off the rails for lots of families.  How many of us set say a 30 minute limit per day and our kids just ignore us or battle us for more time, EVERY day?  It wears us out and sets us up every day to be the bad guy, doesn’t it?  What I’d recommend is having a family meeting to not only talk about what reasonable limits you want to set for daily and weekend use on which devices but also the consequences for exceeding the limits.  Let the kids if they are over the age of 4 have some say in defining the consequences, ownership in defining what happens really helps with compliance.  This allows everyone in the house to have a voice in setting both the privilege and what happens when that privilege is abused. 
 
For instance, one family set a rule of 30 minutes a day and the child who is using a device sets a timer.  When it goes off they are done.  If they fuss or fight or, heaven forbid, are found to have not started the timer the family had all agreed that the offending child would miss electronics for a day and have to do one work job to pay the family back since it drains the family energy when that happens.  This worked so-so but the child was young and at their next family meeting they decided as a family to buy a second timer that was to be used as a 5 minute warning timer.  That tweaking of the process and having the family work together to help improve the process showed that the kids had some input but the parents could still establish the most important part that screen time is limited and there was a real consequence if the rules were broken.
 
RULE 5: Use Parental Control Software
There are many ways parents can use software and hardware to assist us in the never ending battle for control of screen time.  Rule 5 has to do with us as parents being aware that there are controls available and we have to take the time to learn which ones make sense for our family and implement them. 
Both Android and Apple iOS operating systems (meaning anyone with an iPhone) have been updated in recent years to include a whole bunch of cool parental control and family control options.  Even the different apps that are currently in use like Snapchat, Instragram, TikTok and many others have parental controls.  But, how the heck do we know which ones we need and how to set them up?  It can be overwhelming and I want to provide you with a couple of helpful hints. 

1 - You need to know what devices you want to control and how
  • Is it only iphones and ipads?  Or do you have Android devices too? Are the built in parental controls for time limits and accessing the internet enough? 
  • Got any computers?  Are they all Apple or are they Windows or a mixture?  If you have a mix the choices are different than if you have just Windows or just Apple products.  You might also have Google in the mix which Google Family Link might be a good choice to consider.
  • With multiple computers and tablets in your house products like Disney Circle, Net Nanny, WebWatcher, Zift, Bark and Family Protector might make sense.
  • One thing you really need is web filters to prevent unwanted surfing. Does what you use have that available?
  • Do you want to track which apps kids are using and how often?
  • Do you want to control app downloads?
  • Would it be helpful to limit the maturity ratings of websites or apps?

2 - What sort of access do you want to control?
  • Internet only or cell phone data access?  I like to point out how most of us send our kids to school feeling that the school is doing an awesome job of filtering web content and preventing exposure to porn sites and such.  This is true.  They do filter for that on their internal networks and wireless access points.  However, any time a kid with a cell phone arrives with a data plan on campus they have unlimited access to the world wide web if they just don’t connect to the school WiFi.  Oh my, I thought walking on campus meant my kids were safe. Well, obviously that was pretty naïve of me.  Your kid might not have a cell phone in 3rdr grade but some other kid you don’t know does.  However, if your kid is, say, 6 years old and has no access to devices except at home on home WiFi and at school on their school owned and operated computers then you might be just fine.  My point is,  you need to consciously be aware of what your kids have access to at any point along this journey.  It will be a lot more than you think is my word of caution.
  • Online watching like Netflix and Disney+?  There are ways to limit these but, have you done it?  Do you know how?
  • Use Bark-O-Matic. This is where I recommend something that I just learned about a few months ago.  There’s a company called Bark that has screen time management software for parents which I like but what I really love is their free program called Bark-O-Matic.  You can do a google search on it or look in my show notes.  What it does is a Q&A session where you give it all sorts of info on what computers, cell phones, tablets, internet and TV services you use, apps your kids are using, and you give them your email.  They send you a full report item by item of how to set up parental controls for each type of interface.  It’s amazing!  Instructions all in one place for say someone like me who has Comcast internet on my Verizon based iPhone using Netflix, Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok and Disney+.  Yes, you’re giving them an email address but you can always opt out of their marketing programs.  These instructions are a gold mine if you ask me.  LINK to: Bark-o-Matic
 
My parting words about Rule 5 is to make sure you use parental controls when your kids are young.  It helps your whole family get into the right habits and allows for conversations about why controls are needed.
 
That said, I want to let you all know that by middle school and maybe as early as 4th or 5th grade many of your kids are going to learn from other kids how to circumvent parent controls in some way or another so be prepared to get a kick in the pants when your kid does something like setting back the clock on their iPad so they can have a new 30 minute limit or they scam off of you typing your password on your phone to figure out how they can download extra apps onto their phones.  It’ll happen but hopefully you won’t be surprised when it does. 
 
RULE 6: Allocate Family Time
 
I know this is about screen time but if a family prioritizes time with each other in non-screen ways it can build a base of family community that you’ll be able to live on always.  Have regular family movie nights or drives to the beach.  Make puzzles together or do volunteering at a local shelter.  Play board games, go putt-putt golfing, play card games, go hiking, bake cookies.  I know during COVID it’s hard to do some of those things and I am so sorry about that.  I can’t tell you enough how having enjoyable family time that everyone looks forward to can really help with screen time issues.  You need to have times where there is love and enjoyment together and it’s your job to set that up.  You also need to set aside what I call “Special Time” where each parent spends some time individually with each child.  It needs to be something the child enjoys.  It could be as simple as building Legos or racing Hot Wheels or more challenging like building a tree house.  It’s the happy times you create when they are younger that will bond you so you can get through some tough patches you might have when they are older. 
 
RULE 7: Encourage Downtime
 
In our rush-rush society our kids are constantly entertained and pushed from one activity to another.  It seems like they don’t even get a chance to breathe and when they do they get bored quickly and naturally gravitate toward screens since they are designed to entertain.  For parents we fall into the trap of letting them be entertained with screens since it helps us out,  we get some quiet time to get what we need to do done, right?  Well, that is right but I’d like to propose that we use empathy and love to allow our children to deal with boredom and encourage them to use creative options to be entertained.  They can read, do art, play basketball, recruit a sibling to play a game, whatever.  When they throw the “I’m soooo bored.” Card down you just say things like “I knowwww…” and “Wow, that’s tough. What are you going to do about it?  Would you like some ideas?”  They will want to wear you down but don’t let them.  Just keep saying “I knowww…” and “I’m sure you’ll figure something out” don’t forget to add “All this whining about not having screen time is really draining my energy.  Why don’t you go sweep the front porch?”
 
RULE 8: Model It!
 
The last rule we’re covering in this podcast is probably the hardest for parents.  It’s where we’re asked to model good digital habits.  What?!  You want ME to keep my electronics in public places?  You want me to charge my phone in the kitchen?  Yep.  I do at least to the extent possible.  In my house I modeled that I don’t have my phone next to my bed.  It is in the bathroom so that I can hear a call in the middle of the night but not there for me to fall asleep watching YouTube videos and reading texts.  I encourage all of you to put your cell phones away at dinner time.  Yes, mom or dad might have important business calls but the 20 minutes it takes to have dinner should be prioritized.  Sitting in front of the TV to eat dinner instead of being together at a table just isn’t good modeling and doesn’t allow for much family discussion.  Yes, you might watch a favorite show together but save it for after dinner.  If you have no other ideas start off your dinners with what each member was grateful for that day.  That should hopefully last 5 minutes, right?
 
I hope you’ve enjoyed learning how to set up some structure around screen time and electronics in your household.  Having limits and using parental controls when kids are young is really key but following through with consequences will make it real.  You might want to listen to my previous podcast on consequences if you need more ideas.  Bottomline, you have to stay on top of this stuff or it will be on top of you before too long.  In Part 2 of Screen Time Issues I will talk how to deal with screens when personal cell phones and laptops come into play.
 
That’s all for now.  I would love it if you’re listening if you can forward this podcast on to a friend or two.  There just isn’t enough practical help for parents in dealing with screens. I hope you think you’ve gained some good ideas that are worth passing on. 
 
Here's a link to Bark-O-Matic mentioned in the podcast:
BARK-O-MATIC

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PODCAST Episode 6: Tantrums and Calm Down Time

3/20/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

Tantrums can be so draining and disruptive to happy family life so in this hour of great need I’m going to talk about the emotion behind the tantrums, how to set up “calm down” time, and then how to brainstorm with our kids after the emotion of the tantrum or bad behavior has passed.  The target for this is really parents of toddlers through elementary school so if you have a teen, I’d recommend that you listen to my second podcast called: Teens: Respect, Emotions and Brains. 
​
Emotion Behind the Tantrums
The problem with a little one having a tantrum is that it oftentimes sets us off turning us into angry, frustrated parents who are yelling and screaming, right?  Tantrums often happen when we are most rushed or pressed for time – bedtime, getting to school, having to leave a party, getting off electronics, brushing teeth, having to do homework or practice piano.  We are just trying to get life going in the right direction when, WHAM, another a tantrum hits and really set us off.  Ugh… why me??? Why again? Why is my kid always doing this? What’s wrong with them? My other kids weren’t this bad. What’s wrong with me?  So many emotions flying and they can send us into our own adult tantrum.  

We need to help ourselves in these situations by remembering to KEEP CALM and LOVING.  Yes, it will be hard to do when our kid is having a meltdown but you need to do just that.  KEEP CALM and LOVING.  When we get pushed into yelling ourselves it means that our thinking brain has turned off and we’re in our emotional, fight-and-flight brain which is never good when dealing with kids and tantrums.  So, having ways to keep our anger under control is necessary and I’ll do a future podcast on that subject in the future but for now just keep the thought in mind that your child’s tantrum isn’t about you, it’s about them and their inability to control their world.  It’s ok that they’re upset.

Your child has very few skills especially under the age of five when it comes to letting you know their dissatisfaction with whatever it is they don’t like.  They can yell, cry, scream, kick, fall on the floor like a wet noodle, and bite.  That’s it!  Later on when they’re teens they might verbally be able to spar with you but not too much when they are really young.  So, you have to keep your emotions under control and just deal with theirs.  Again, you need to be CALM and LOVING!

Calm Down Time – set the stage
 Now that we know the tantrum is about our kids’ emotions and not ours, here’s what we need to do next.  Have a safe place in your house that you can designate as a “calm down” location.  You can even ask your child during a non-emotional time where they might like to calm down when they become upset.  You need to set up a situation where your child knows and trusts you love them unconditionally and you tell them that when they get really upset you want to give them a safe place to be and time alone to calm down.  This calm down area is a place you need to make sure they understand is not a place for punishment, it’s a time of love and understanding that we all need time to calm down when we’re upset. 

Now that you have a place you might want to make sure it’s safe.  Most of the time it’s a bedroom but, wherever it is, it needs to be a place that your child is free to roam around in. If you have a smaller child who is still in a crib you can use that but for a child out of a crib you would allow them ideally to have access to the whole room.  They can have books and stuffed animals and things that can help them calm down.  It’s all ok since this is a Calm Down place like I said, not a place for punishment.  There might be a time you have to remove books if they throw them and wreck them but for now, let them have stuff to do.  They won’t even see the stuff when they are in full melt-down mode but as they come out of it, it can help. 

You should also explain to your child that as long as they stay in the room until they are calm then the door can stay unlocked and open.  Once they calm down, you’ll set a timer for 3 to 5 minutes and as long as they can keep staying calm during that time then they’ll be able to come out.  You love them and will be waiting for them to calm down so they can rejoin the family. 
 
 
Calm Down Time – let it happen
The next phase after your child knows what Calm Down Time is will be to wait.  Yep, you wait until a tantrum happens.  When your child starts having a meltdown you’re going to ask them if they’d like some Calm Down Time.  If they are small and under 5 or so, they can walk themselves or you can carry them.  If they are older, you can help direct them or just ask them to go to the Calm Down location.  You do this in a calm, loving tone of voice.  No yelling. You say something like: “Wow, I can tell you’re really upset.  It looks like you need some time to calm down. Let’s go head to the Calm Down Room.”  They might not be in great shape but you make sure in a loving manner they get to the location.  If you have older kids and they refuse to go then just let them be and say: “Ok, we’ll talk about this later.  I’m going to go to a different location so that I can remain calm.” And then you get out of the way.  I’ll talk about what to do with those rebellious kids in a minute, for now let’s assume your child made it to the room.

Now you’re going to let them choose whether or not they get to have the door open or closed.  Keep in mind that the goal is to have them calm down, it doesn’t matter if their door is opened or closed as long as they stay in their room.  I’d start with the door open and if they come out then it will be a signal that they need the door closed.  Many kids will be crying and won’t even be able to think.  If they come out with the door closed then you’re going to “lock” it which for a small child will mean that you take a towel and flip it over the top of the door.  You aren’t going to leave them in there forever and really lock them in and you’re certainly not going to leave the house but one thing you really don’t want to do is stand there holding the door closed with your hands.  If you did struggle with the door handle, the child would have lots of power of you and it would distract from this whole process.  So, get the door closed and “locked” if you need to but don’t stay right next to the door.  Go ahead and start making dinner or even read a book or watch TV with your other kids.  Create a loving environment outside the Calm Down time that makes the tantrum kid want to go back to.   

You now want to wait again.  Wait until you hear no fussing, no crying, no yelling, no pleading.  Once it’s all quiet you go ahead and open the door and ask if they are ready to set the timer.  If they start fussing and crying then you go ahead and let them know with empathy and love that it seems they need a bit more time.  However, if they can remain calm then you go ahead and have an egg timer or some other hand timer, not your cell phone, and leave it in the room or outside the room and let it run and beep.  Your child can then open the door and come out.  Then you give them hugs and kisses and say you are so happy they’re calm again.  No need to go over why they went into the Calm Down Room, they already know that they hit their brother or threw something when they weren’t supposed to or wrecked their sisters poster when they were mad.  Just let love be the result.  
 
Brainstorming and Special Time after the Tantrum
Now that the Calm Down time is over it means that your child’s brain has turned back on to their thinking brain.  Lots of the time this Calm Down time accomplishes what it needs to especially for really young ones. Our kids’ emotions boil up inside and they just need to safely let them out and know that we’ll love them when it’s over.  However, there are some situations or some kids who just keep having tantrums and we need to spend some time brainstorming with them that I call Special Time.  This is time where there aren’t other siblings and is with only one parent, time that the parent can set up that is without emotion and isn’t right after a tantrum. You will also use Special Time with those older rebellious kids who refused to go to the Calm Down location when you asked.   I would wait ½ day or maybe a full day or two after a tantrum to try Special Time.  You might need to coordinate with your spouse to take over with your other children or even send the other kids to a friend’s house or grandparents.  But you need to create an environment where you won’t get interrupted.  

Now, when you start the Special Time you can be cuddling at home on your bed, on their bed or a favorite couch, it doesn’t have to be someplace exotic, just some place that is relatively soothing and without too many other distractions.  Tell your child that it’s Special Time as well so they can come to look forward to special time with you in the future.  

Next, you’re going calmly and lovingly say something like: “Wow, the other day you sure were upset.  Can we talk about that?  I want to brainstorm with you and figure out what we can do to help so that you don’t have that issue in the future.”  Then you talk about what you might do, be a team.  For the most part these special brainstorming sessions are going to be for kids about 4 or older but feel free to try them for littler ones too, you be the judge as to when to start them.  
 
Ok, that’s the learning part of the podcast. 

Now I want to tell you two stories of parents who attended the Parenting the Love and Logic Way® class that I’ve been a facilitator for for many years.  One story is about a parent of a 3 ½ year old who really needed Calm Down time and the other has a first grader who turned out needing the brainstorming session after some particularly bad behavior.  In the first story it mentions Love and Logic® toddler specific technique called the Uh Oh Song that is amazing and I’ll put some references into my podcast notes if you’d like more details and examples to use with your toddlers.  I can’t recommend it enough.  

Ok, so that first story, here’s what the mom wrote me: 

My oldest son is 3.5 years old. Before I took this class, we did a variation of Time Out for when he had temper tantrums where I'd just put him in his room, but get him after a few minutes and ask him to calm down before he could come out. Basically, I would then help him calm down by holding him, etc.
​
So a few days ago, I decided to apply what we learned in class about the Uh Oh Song and followed the steps, specifically leaving him in his room until he calmed down on his own. Well, he screamed and screamed on and off for 1 hour and 15 minutes!! It was agonizing listening to him and so many thoughts were going through my mind. But I stuck with it and followed through with the 3-minute timer after he had calmed and then invited him to come out. He was like a new kid, super grateful to be out and so helpful with such a great attitude afterwards.

I can imagine that the key to this technique is being super consistent so that he really learns that the quicker he calms down, the sooner he can come out. I'm looking forward to it hopefully taking less time next time. I keep thinking about that example you shared about these investments we make now during parenting (even though they can be heart-breaking and challenging) will really pay off later.
 
Such a cool story.  Now, for the second one here’s what the mom wrote me after reading my monthly newsletter:

I love reading your emails and still value so much what I learnt on your course. I won’t say I always do it perfectly but I do try. So I have an example of a situation that I am finding difficult right now. I am a scout leader at my 6-year old’s Girl Scout group. At the meetings I lead a lot of the activities which means I need to focus and ensure I am fair to everyone. My 6-year-old acts out a lot at the meetings. She demands more attention than anybody else and constantly interrupts me. I try to explain nicely that she needs to wait her turn or stop messing around, but she doesn’t hear me and starts to be nasty to me and others around her. It is extremely distracting and as I am leading I don’t have the option to remove her from the situation and have a chat about it. I end up annoyed by the end of the meeting and embarrassed as there are other parents there too. I have tried to explain calmly when we are at home that I love her very much but cannot give her special attention at Scouts. I explain that she needs to view me as if I am a teacher in this situation. The next meeting is coming up soon and I am dreading it. Do you have any suggestions on how to avoid a similar situation? Thanks, Nancy

Nancy’s issues of a child behaving badly in public certainly aren’t unique but coming up with some ideas that would best fit her daughter’s situation was.  She was able to continue explaining to me how her daughter is really hard on herself, that she gets really upset when she isn’t doing something perfectly and feels even worse when others notice when they are in public.  It seemed to me she was getting the impression she had to be perfect all the time, that she wasn’t getting enough grit training in her life.  We decided Nancy needed to sit down with Jenny and have a heart to heart before the next Girl Scout meeting to try to sort things out.  My advice was to make sure she used lots of open-ended questions and not lecture Jenny on what the outcome should be.  Her daughter needed to know that she was loved no matter how she behaved and help her learn how to have grit and know things can get better even if they go badly sometimes.  She’s only 6 so she’ll have plenty of time to practice grit if they start now. 

Nancy also thought there might be a complicating factor with her daughter reacting to the very sugary snacks that families brought to start off each scout meeting.  We decided that Nancy should do the same brainstorming with Jenny on this topic as well.  
 
Here’s what Nancy wrote back:

Hi Mary,
I had a chat with Jenny this afternoon about the meeting. We sat on the beanbag in her room and I gave her hug and told her that I love her always no matter what. Then I said you know how I chose to lead the scouts this year, just wondering if you like that I do that or would prefer I didn’t? She said she really liked it and loved spending time with me there. I then asked ‘How do you think the last meeting went?’. She replied, ‘Not too good’. I asked ‘what do you think was not good?’. She replied: "I acted out and was mean to you and others." I asked her how she felt at the last meeting. She said: ‘angry, frustrated and embarrassed because I was being bad’. I asked how it made her feel when I corrected her and asked her to stop doing something. She said that it embarrassed her and she felt like she was being bad. I asked her what she would like to do at the next meeting if I need to say something to her. She suggested to go outside to talk. I said good idea but what if I am in the middle of something and can’t leave? She thought a bit, I then suggested that maybe we should have a secret code so I could tell her when I need her to stop doing something or pay attention without others knowing. She loved that idea. I asked her to think of what she would like as a code. We had a bit of fun with that and laughed together at some of the funny ideas she came up with. She thought of 5 and I then asked her to select the one she liked the most. She picked a small teddy bear. I put it in the scouts backpack for tomorrow. She suggested then that maybe we could have a different one every week and I agreed that was a great idea. We also agreed that if she was feeling upset or angry that she could go outside the door for a break to reset regardless of what was going on. 
We then got on to the snack. That was kind of easy as she is also dairy-free right now for allergy reasons. If asked what she thought of the snacks. She said she didn’t know what it might be and if it was cookies with milk, she might not be able to have it. So, I said what can we do if it is? She suggested waiting until she got home and then having something? I said what if you are hungry? She then suggested that we bring some things from home in case. We went out to the kitchen and she chose the snacks and drink she wanted to take and was happy with that. I finished off by asking if we could have another chat after the meeting to see how she thought it went and she agreed that would be good. 

Fingers crossed for tomorrow!!   Nancy

Well, that was AMAZING but the story gets better… 
A few days later I followed up with Nancy:

The meeting went so much better than the last time. I gave her a lot of space and let her realize when she needed to share e.g. glue etc.  Then we had the moment that could have turned the meeting. Her little 3-year-old sister walked on her art project and got glue on a place it should not have gone. She got really annoyed and hit her, sister screamed and hit back. I didn’t say a word- took sister away, got the teddy and handed it to Jenny. She looked at me and kind of nodded and smiled and got back to her project. A minute later she came to me and handed back the teddy. So simple - it defused the whole situation without me needing to say a word. The rest of the meeting went really smoothly and we all went home happy. We talked about it after and she agreed it was a much better meeting. She is excited to pick another secret code for our next meeting.

Wow, amazing how that brainstorming really turned around not only bad behavior but really empowered Jenny in a way that really built more confidence and grit into her.   
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast and have some new ideas or refreshed some old ones about how to get more calm into your families – by you keeping calm and not taking offense at your child’s tantrums, by allowing your children to have calm down time and then, when needed, creating special time with them so you can brainstorm ideas about how to help empower them to keep calm in the future before tantrums can arise.  
 
Link to UH Oh Song Info
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Meltdowns and Tantrums By Age!

9/19/2019

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Meltdowns
Sometimes our kids just melt and it is not from the summer heat.  :)  It can be at the most inopportune times and might make us want to pull out our hair.  Here are a few ideas of what a parent might do based on age.  I hope it helps!

Toddler Melt
These adorable, amazing creatures are the ones with the fewest skills so their meltdowns are from the heart, body and soul.  They just encompass their whole being and, boy, that can be tough!  You're in the mall and the distress of putting them back in the stroller can just set them off.  The thing to remember is this child only has a few skills to use on you:  crying, screaming, kicking, biting, and acting like a wet noodle while doing one or more of the other behaviors.  

What to do?  Yep, you've guessed what I'm going to say, KEEP CALM by going BRAIN DEAD.  It's not about you, it's about the kid who has no skills to communicate their displeasure.  You might be a target of anger but you need to let them burn off their steam.  It might be embarrassing and annoying but you losing it by yelling and screaming will only make it all worse.  Taking a deep breath and saying:  "This is soooo sad."  and "I knoooooow."  are all possible words to use.  Don't give in to get the crying over,  just let the crying and such come while keeping yourself safe from kicking and biting.  Empathy and love is what is needed no matter how undeserving your child might seem at the time.  

Elementary Melt
This can be similar to the classic Toddler Melt but the kids have more skills and can grab our hearts and tug really hard to make us give in and/or lose our lids.   Kids melt when they feel things are beyond them -- piano is hard, math is hard, putting things in their backpack is hard, their best friend won't play with them, they can't watch a video on your phone, whatever.  They will still cry and melt the same as a toddler and no longer go into wet-noodle mode but you apply the same strategy -- go BRAIN DEAD!  Their brains are firing on all cylinders so make sure you don't get involved until AFTER their emotions calm down.  Give them EMPATHY and LOVE, not yelling and telling.  You can use PROBLEM SOLVING after the emotions pass but please, please wait until the emotions pass before trying to get solutions into the mix.

Teen Melt
As our kids get older their skills and emotions get more and more in check so when a melt down happens it's serious heart wrenching stuff.  Yikes!  It might be about a friendship breakup, loss of a computer game or a "bad" grade on a test.  They'll feel like failures, betrayed, and deeply hurt.  For some teens when their hormones are raging these meltdowns might happen more than others but the strategy is still the same... make sure YOU go BRAIN DEAD!  Please don't react and try to control the emotions.  Unconditional love during hard times is what teens need, not solutions.  Give them hugs,  say things like "I knoooooow" or "That must be hard."

The bottom line of all this?  Although it's tough to remain calm, it's really essential that in the worst of times our kids know we are there for them in a loving and empathetic way.   Those of you who can nurture that when your kids are young and allow your kids to trust that you will be there even during a meltdown will have teens who trust you and want to have a relationship with you.   
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Gratefulness Is Learned

12/9/2018

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Kids are self-centered from the get-go, no doubt about it. We have to teach them to be grateful for all that they have, all that we give them.  But, how on earth do we do that when there's so much taking and so little giving going on around us?  

 MODEL IT!
There's a wonderful article by Charlotte Latvala where she outlines some awesome ideas for parents.  Here are the basics:
  • Use gratitude in your daily conversations.  In my family, we would go around the table saying something we were thankful for.
  • Use chores.  By allowing our kids to help in chores they are more likely to appreciate efforts of others who are doing chores for them. 
  • Do a charity project.  You can do something as simple as helping out a neighbor,  it doesn't have to be large but as your kids grow the projects you choose can grow too.  My family made bag lunches for the homeless and wrapped gifts at Family Giving Tree each year.  
  • Donate!  Be generous!  Have your kids donate their clothes and toys they grow out of.  It's easier for us to pack them up and ship them out but resist the urge, have them participate
  • Write Thank You notes. Each birthday and Christmas have your kids write hand-written notes to those who gave them gifts.  For young ones it might be drawing a scribbled picture, for older ones it would be a nice thank you.  
  • Say "No".  Our kids will appreciate our giving in to their requests more if we say no to plenty of their whims.  
  • Practice patience.  Gratitude takes years of practice so we as parents need to practice patience and keep modeling for them.  

Holiday Gift Glut -- How to Survive
I really liked Charlotte Latvala's ideas about how to get some of the greediness out of our holiday season.  Here's a brief:
  • Limit gift giving to family and close friends instead of everyone your kid knows.  
  • Space out gift opening.  Some of our kids have lots and lots of presents.  Spread out the opening throughout the day.  You can also wait as each person opens one gift then move on to the next. It'll take longer for sure!
  • Hold back some gifts.  This is especially great for little ones who are overwhelmed with gifts from nice relatives and friends.  Keep some for rainy days or trips.
  • Downplay gifts.  Make sure you celebrate the holidays in other ways - singing, making cookies, going to services, visiting relatives.
  • Take them shopping.  This is for gifts for OTHERS, not for themselves.  Or have them hand make their gifts.  Make sure to give gratitude to them when you receive them. 
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Money Matters

6/1/2018

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Money, money, money, what a challenge for us all!  It is so important to pass along to our kids the responsibility for money in their lives.  However, in our love and protectiveness we tend to over protect this essential skill building opportunity while they are young.  

How many of us when relatives give our kids holiday or birthday money stash it away in a bank account that our children can't get to?  Probably most of us!  Why?  Because "we don't want to them to blow it", right?  That money would be "wasted" on stuff that isn't important and we just can't let that happen. 

Most of you know about helicopter parents and this money situation is a perfect storm for us.  We mean well but... it hurts our kids in the long run.  How will they ever learn that if they "waste" their money there won't be any left over for future wants and needs?  When our kids are young is the time to allow as many affordable mistakes as possible; money is certainly a prime target for small mistakes now to avoid big mistakes later. 

This is a huge topic that I could spend way too much time on but wanted to give you some hints by age of what you can do. 

Ages 3 to about 8 or 10
Three Jars Method - this is a classic!  You have 3 jars so that your child can visibly see the money go in.  One for saving, one for spending and one for giving.  Let your child see the money build up.  How much?  As much as you think is appropriate, could be a quarter or a dollar.  It could be per week or per month, doesn't matter.  The amounts could even change as they get older. Next, you let them have opportunities to spend-save-give.  When you are at the store and they ask for a treat, let them use THEIR "spend" money instead of just using yours.  If you go to church,  let them take their "give" money for a donation, not yours.  Maybe once a year you have them pick a charity they can use their "give" money on.  We used Heifer International for years  as a "give"-- super fun to sponsor cows and chickens or even beehives in third world countries that help people get out of poverty.  Another idea I love is when you travel give them a special amount that they could "spend" on trinkets.  When their trinket money is gone, it's gone!  So sad... ;)

Here's a cute idea to implement this method:
Moonjar Moneybox Link

Allow them to "save" for something special - a bike, a large LEGO set, an expensive doll, etc.  They will learn delayed gratification which is a SUPER helpful indicator of future success in life.  

Ages - 10 till 8th grade
Setting Limits Method - During this phase you want your child to really understand that there are limits to what they can spend instead of just opening up your wallet and spending YOUR money.  Yep, that's YOU who has to set YOUR limit of what YOU will give them.  Ideas for limits:  
school supplies
school lunch money
birthday gifts for friends
clothes
movie tickets - one per month
Starbucks or other snacks 
activity supplies for sports, music, etc.
activity fees (monthly, quarterly, by season, etc)

To give you an example of how this limit stuff works let's talk about school supplies.  In my house I set a limit of $50 per kid per year for things like binders, notebooks, pens, pencils, protractors, etc.  They could choose to reuse what they already had or buy all new stuff.  If they wanted to spend more than $50, fine, but not with MY money, they could use "spend".  (Note: Before I started this I had been spending more than $75 on supplies.)

Here's a great article from NBC News:  How To Teach Kids the Value of Money from an Early Age

Ages - High School
Every parent should jump at the chance to really step up budgeting with high schoolers.  This is a crucial learning ground that will be backed up by affordable mistakes and really set them up for independence in college and beyond. Here are the basics:
1 - set up a checking account with real check and an ATM card that you can electronically transfer money to
2 - Decide as many things as possible that your kid can pay for with YOUR money, yep, YOUR money.  Hey,  you pay for all these things anyway so let's leverage that money to work for future independence!  Idea list:
 - all the items listed in the previous age range
 - private lesson fees - academic, sports, music, dance, whatever!
 - sports fees - school sports, club teams, travel for sports, etc
 - lunches/meals - whether at school or outside
 -college applications/testing fees
3 - Calculate the money needed to cover expenses in Step 2 and transfer that electronically to your child once a month.  I would have my kids balance their checkbooks by hand before they got their next month's money.  In addition,  I would deduct charges like car insurance and cell phone from what I transferred.  Lastly,  I also deducted payments for chores that I did for my kids that they chose not to.  
4 - Sit back and watch them use their money.  If they forget to pay their tutor or music teacher... GREAT!  That teacher will help them learn to pay bills on time.  If they bounce a check... GREAT!   Nothing like learning how much bouncing a check costs.  If they save extra here or there by not spending as much on clothes or supplies so they can get money for a concert ticket.. GREAT! 

Whatever your child's age, please take the time to work with money.  There are some amazing resources on the web including some from Love and Logic.  Try out any of these:
Millionaire Babies or Bankrupt Brats
Parents are Not ATMs
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Monopoly Game and Setting Limits

1/8/2018

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Why is it that we allow our kids to manipulate us so easily sometimes? We are so easily lulled in by anything from their cute smiles to their homework load, aren't we?


One way to get things under control in our lives is to use LOVING LIMITS and LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES. When we tell our children what we will do and stick to our guns with loving consequences we can really get great things done.
I LOVE this real story from a couple in my class. It'll give you a feel for how to interweave multiple skills at one time as well. Enjoy!

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So it was a weekend evening and my 5-year-old son Danny had been asking us all day to play Monopoly Jr. We finally told him he could start setting it up and we’d play right after dinner.


While he was happily sorting out all the money and pieces, his younger 4-year-old brother, Kevin, came along and started messing up his work. I let Danny try to handle it, but after a few minutes, I could tell there was going to be quite a problem. I told Kevin my LOVING LIMIT that we would only allow boys that were being kind to play out in the living room and that he would need to play somewhere else.
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Then my husband came up with the idea that Kevin shouldn’t get to play the game with us. That would be a much bigger and logical consequence for him that would hopefully make a bigger impact than just being sent away.


So we didn’t mention anything during dinner. Afterwards, when we were getting all excited and ready to play, I broke the news to Kevin. I put on my EMPATHETIC face and told him that this was so sad, but he wouldn’t be able to play the game with us since he was messing up the pieces earlier. He was crushed and immediately started crying hysterically. We told him that we’d be happy to have him still hang out in the room with us and watch as long as he was calm. He surprisingly calmed himself down quickly. We thought that if he could watch us play, it would make an even bigger impact on him as he could see what he was missing out on. It was definitely hard for him to watch us playing without him and I’m hoping the lesson really sank in for him.


The whole thing was difficult for me to follow through on because I hate seeing my child being left out and sad. But I know that a small investment now and an affordable mistake on his part can go a long way in the decisions he makes in the future. I’m thankful for my husband’s leadership in this area too, it was his idea and I’m glad we were able to work together to make a big impression on little Kevin.
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Food Battles: Let's Win!

10/3/2017

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Are you tired of trying to get your kid to eat something healthy? Is it veggies? Maybe they only eat fruit? Or bread?

Or does your kid eat but not WHEN you want? By the time you sit down is your kid out of their chair, running around? Do you give them snacks long after the meal is done since you're worried they didn't eat enough?
Sometimes we just want to pull our hair out because our kids are driving us crazy not eating WHAT we want them to eat or not eating WHEN we want them to. Ugh! Sooo infuriating!
The list of battles we can have with our kids over food is endless!
Here are some really practical tips on how to "win" your food battles.

"WHAT" THEY EAT BATTLE
#1 - Offer Healthy Choices: Your game plan here is to provide lots of healthy choices and let them choose. If they are hungry, they will eat. They might skip a dinner or two or not eat veggies much for a year or so but, eventually, if you are patient and don't battle them on it, their bodies will want food. You just offer good stuff!

Should you cook separate meals for them? The answer is "no" with the exception that you should offer at least one item that you feel pretty confident that your kids will eat. In my house, I knew one would eat green beans and the other broccoli so I tried to offer those pretty frequently along with a protein plus a starch they liked - potatoes, rice or bread. When we moved up the tastebuds to include Caesar Salad as they got older, it became a staple. The food choices were more bland than I preferred but it was food I liked enough and knew they would eat.

"WHEN" THEY EAT BATTLE
#2 - Set Loving Limits for When Food is Offered: You need a different tactic than you use with the "WHAT" battle. You need to set Loving Limits on when food is served and what happens when one leaves the dinner table. The Loving Limit would be along the lines of: "I serve dinner for 30 minutes." (or 5 or 15... whatever your family needs!) At the end of the allotted time, the dinner goes away. There were only healthy choices offered and your kids were welcome to eat what they wanted to during "dinnertime" but not forever. We don't open up the kitchen later to kids who are hungry because they didn't eat their meal. Tough? Yep. Does it work? Yep!

Another Loving Limit might be: "We allow children sitting at the table to enjoy their food. Once you get up, it means you're done and your food goes away." This is really useful for parents of wiggly little ones who are learning what it means to sit. If we let them get up and run around and come back to the table when they want, they will learn there is no limit. It will take a meal or two for them to figure out their running around is making them hungry but it's worth the peace at the table for them to learn this in such a loving way. No lectures, just action and love.

But, you say, my kids whine when they are hungry and I feel terrible putting them to bed on a empty stomach! If you really, really can't completely close the kitchen (which is the preferred method) then find something really bland and boring that you know your kids will eat but not crave. My typical recommendation is using carrots or celery as a choice for kids who are hungry when the kitchen is closed. I used to offer my son Go-Gurt squeezable yogurt when he was young. I think that was a bit too nice and sweet but I didn't know L&L so you'll have to forgive me. :) In my defense, it never varied and I didn't have to cook another thing, plus it was quick.

DESSERT comments: Hmm... this is always a tricky one since many of us were raised with: "You won't get any dessert if you don't finish your dinner." I would try not to use threats but would turn it into a Loving Limit more positively by saying: "We allow children who've finished their dinner to enjoy dessert." You don't battle or bribe, just state the limit in a loving way, no pestering, no waiting for them to finish, simply move on to dessert and offer Empathy to those who chose to not finish their dinner. It would sound like: "This is so sad. I know how much you enjoy carrot cake. I'm sure tomorrow you'll do a better job with your dinner." Then you end the conversation. Yep, END it! No more talking. Feel free to comfort them as they cry and fuss but use Brain Dead and restate your Loving Limit again and again in an empathetic way.

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Hidden Opportunities are There!

7/6/2017

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     The concept of "Affordable Mistakes" is to lovingly let our kids try things that we know they might fail at.  I used to think these were supposed to be BIG things like riding a bike, playing a sport or learning a musical instrument.  Was I ever wrong!  
    We often don't see the hidden gems for affordable misstakes waiting for us to discover them; they are simple and our kids can recover from them even if they "fail".  What is hiding in plain sight in your home?  
 
Younger Kids (Toddler/Preschool):  
  • Can they pour their milk?  Can they get out their own cups?  Utensils?  Set the table?
  • Can they serve themselves their food?  Can they pour cereal from a box?
  • Can they choose clothes appropriate for the weather?
  • Who is picking up their toys?  Do they know where toys go?  
  • Can they wash their ears? Scrub their hair?  Pour out the right amount of soap to wash their hair?
  • Who takes out the garbage?  Can they get a new bag to replace the old one?
Elementary Kids:
  • Who is cleaning up plates after a meal?  Washing the counters?  Loading the dishwasher?
  • Can they make their breakfast or pack their lunch? Can they unpack their lunch bag?
  • Who is waking them up in the morning?
  • Who is planning their homework?  Do they decide what needs to be done and when?  
Middle and High School Kids:
  • Who is doing their laundry?  Can they sort and fold?  Do they know how to separate colors or why they need to be separated? 
  • Can they cook their own dinner?  Can they make mac-n-cheese?  Caesar salad? A burrito?
  • Can they change their beds and towels?  Clean the bathroom?  How often do they need cleaning?
  • Who handles the money for all their tutoring and lessons?  Do they write the checks or do you?
As you can imagine, the list of possibilities is endless!  
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Night Time Battles with Toddlers - ENERGY DRAIN and CHOICES

5/20/2016

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Does your toddler keep waking up all night? Driving you crazy? Getting no sleep at all? Are you as grumpy as your kid in the morning?

This is a common issue for parents of toddlers and preschoolers. Kids often get scared in the middle of the night or they just want company. They get up, go to mom or dad and want water, snuggles, to go to the bathroom, and endless list of sleep interruptions. Ugh... We love them but... UGH!

One set of L&L parents took a combination of CHOICES and ENERGY DRAIN to help encourage their 4 year old to take control of his actions in the middle of the night. They've had great success!

Each night BEFORE bed they give him all sorts of CHOICES about what books and activities he'd like to put beside his bed. If he wakes up, he immediately has something that he'd enjoy doing. He's allowed to turn on his light and look at books or color if he'd like. He can fall back asleep when he wants to.

If he does need comforting in the middle of the night, that's fine. However, he knows that it might cause and ENERGY DRAIN the next day when he wants his parents to play with him. He loves to shoot baskets with daddy and some days daddy is just too drained from having been woken up too many times at night. His son understands and can still enjoy shooting baskets just not with dad that day.
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Both parents said their son is getting much better and is more relaxed knowing he has choices about what to do when he wakes up. He used to only have one thing he could do... now he has lots!
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Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting Podcaster and Educator
Independent Facilitator of Parenting
​the Love and Logic Way®​

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