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Podcast 54 - Gifts and Grandparents: How to Tame Them

12/7/2022

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With the holiday season fast approaching I wanted to take a few minutes out to support your parenting in a different way than normal.   We’re going to talk about YOUR parents and how to manage them.  Kids are hard enough but some of you struggle with grandparents and relatives who all have great and well-meaning hearts but who create unwanted issues when they deluge your kids with gifts. 

Last year I did a podcast called “Giving with a Glad Heart”, episode 23, that talked about gift giving; both giving gifts to your kids as well as the kids to each other and it touched on dealing with relatives.  However, when working with a group of young families from my church recently I was taken aback with how much distress grandparents as well as well-meaning aunts and uncles put a damper the notion of gift giving in some families.  My husband and I had parents who were very restrained in their giving so we really never had to deal with what I’m calling the Gift Monster to give a name to the elephant in the room.  In some families it’s big and can really cause a lot of problems that young parents don’t know how to tame.   What am I talking about?  See if you can see your own situation in the following Gift Monster descriptions:
  • The Robber: This is where you feel robbed of being able to give gifts to your own kids due to others wanting to give and taking up the prized items that you would like to be the one to give them.  Grandpa really wants to give them the latest Xbox or a new bike which was exactly what you were planning to do.  Then what are you left with?  Grandpa is doing this out of love so we can’t fault him for that but it just doesn’t feel right, we feel robbed.

  • The Pressure Cooker:  This Monster wants to pressure you into coming up with lists of things your kids need.  Holidays are enough pressure with travel and parties and shopping that having relatives bugging us for detailed lists can stress some of us out.  Some of you are great at making those lists but some of us aren’t and it adds to holiday stress not to mention the predicament that your kids might not need much and you have to make up gifts just to have something on a list.

  • The Gift Mix Up: This is where the person who gives the gifts isn’t a person anymore in the eyes of our kids, they get mixed up that there’s a person behind the gifting who loves them.  The relationship is one only based in gifts, not in a relationship with the giver.  If grandma always arrives with a gift, grandma thinks she’s getting love when those eyes light up but as kids get older and entitlement creeps in, and if the gifts stop or aren’t the ones expected then people like Grandma can be really hurt. 

  • The Family Values Victim:  You know the times when someone gives your kids a gift that you and your spouse have banned from your home due to family value choices?  Some of us decide that eco-friendly goods, non-branded toys or gender-neutral toys are what we want for our kids.  Or maybe we don’t want to introduce certain electronic devices into our kids’ lives until a certain age.  Our values can fall victim to well-meaning relatives who just want so show their love with the latest and greatest amazing toy or device that just became available.  They’ve waited in line for hours just to get the first Xbox or iPhone or whatever out of LOVE for you and your kids.  How can you say no when they show up with such a sacrificial gift? 

  • Creativity Criminal: Studies that show how too many toys harms creativity in kids.  I’ll include some links to articles from Psychology Today and Today’s Parent. The articles remind me how one of my sons always wanted yet-another-Lego-set.  He had plenty of Lego bricks but those sets are so alluring to a kid, why create when you can just build something beautiful based on a plan laid out for you?  Good job for the Lego company, not so good for creativity.  We need a few empty boxes with some markers and scissors once in a while, don’t we?

  • Numbness St. Nick:   One story I read about was an adorable little girl who was numb from opening up so many gifts at Christmas with all the relatives sitting around watching for her reaction.  She’d smile like a robot and say thanks to put aside that present and move to the next present.  Last Christmas I got to spend with some extended family and see grandkids opening their third set of gifts for the day.  While it was exciting, there were only one or two gifts the kids really paid attention to. 

  • Entitlement Enemy: Over time this Gift Monster can create mini monsters out of our kids.  Feelings of entitlement can start to ooze out when they don’t get exactly what they want.  Hopefully that won’t be you but, over time, it’s a possible long-term unwanted outcome.

  • Clutter King: The last “gift” our Gift Monster leaves for us is a home littered with stuff.  This leads many of us to design special storage systems to sort different types of items and make regular runs to Salvation Army and Good Will.  Our relatives mean well but do they have any idea where we’ll put all this stuff!
    ​
Did you see your life being consumed by any of those Gift Monsters?  If so, listen on to what can you do.  Now that you’ve named your Gift Monster, how do you tame it? 

SOLUTIONS

HAVE A CONVERSATION IN A FAMILY MEETING:
First and foremost, you need have a conversation to set boundaries.  Just like you do with your kids, I’m going to suggest holding a Family Meeting with Relatives. 
In this case, you’re going to flip the audience from your kids to your parents or your spouse’s parents, feel free to include any other relatives that need reigning in. 
  • If both sets of parents are needing boundaries you can arrange for one meeting but it might be two different meetings, or more meetings if there are divorced parents involved.  The point here is not to have a casual conversation with anyone.
  • Take them to lunch or dinner if they’re local.  Hire a babysitter to give you dedicated time to talk or have your spouse watch the kids while you go out if you can’t afford one.  Be in a public place if you have a feeling they might over react.  People usually are more restrained in public places. 
  • If they are not local then set up a Zoom call or phone call after your kids are in bed. 
  • You and your spouse should spend a few minutes drafting up some talking points especially if you think you’re going to get a bunch of push back.
 
DEFINE THE PROBLEM
At the meeting…
  • Rule #1 – make sure you let all your gift givers know they are loved and appreciated!  They are special and you need to treat them with as much care as you possibly can.
  • Explain your challenges with the Gift Monster in your life to them, whichever one is plaguing you whether it’s the Clutter King, Creativity Criminal or Numbness St. Nick.
  • You need to communicate what the “problem” is. It might sound something like: “Our kids are learning that the world is made of material things.  We want them to learn to love you as people through time and attention, not things.  Gift giving has gotten out of control and we need your help in reigning things in.” 
 
SET CLEAR AND FIRM BOUNDARIES
  • Have some ideas about what you’d like to have done so that there are CHOICES.  Have them pick and choose and compromise for what can work in your situation.  It might look like:
    • Only experience gifts like movie passes, tickets to the zoo, annual passes to a children’s museum or water park
      • I want to confess my strong bias for giving the gift of time.  There’s nothing like a date with grandma and grandpa for relationship building especially if some special activity is involved. 
    • Gifts of lessons – swimming, art, dance, piano, whatever they’d like to learn
    • Donations to a college fund
    • Coupon book with for sleepovers at Grandmas, a paint-your-nails party at Aunt Linda’s, sand castle building with Grandpa, or riding bikes to get frozen yogurt
    • Books! As many as they want!
    • Or set a limit of how many gifts per child and a physical size limit
    • Or, another favorite that I love for just your immediate family but you might like for grandparents is the FOUR GIFT TRADITION: Something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read.  Love it!  Four gifts.  Simple.
  • Whichever solution you come up with, you need to be really firm in your boundaries and define consequences.  What might they be?  Here are a few ideas:
 
DEALING WITH BOUNDARY VIOLATORS
  • Feel free to have follow up Family Meetings to clarify when things don’t go as you planned
  • Intercept the Gifts at the door whether it’s holidays or birthdays
  • Open Gifts later instead of in front of the relatives, they can sit under the tree and just wait for everyone to leave
  • Return gifts and put the money into college funds or other savings
 
BOUNDARIES STORIES
I have two amazing young moms who’ve tackled their Gift Monsters head on and they work to this day.
  1. Toy Limit Family – this family lives in a beautiful and natural environment and wanted to promote the outdoors and creativity.  Their family toy rule is that each of their two sons are allowed four toys each.  The relatives can give as many toys as they’d like but for each toy that comes in one goes out to a local shelter.  Ouch.  That’s a tough one especially when my girlfriend was the grandma.  The couple was totally strict about their rule.  Grandma was generous with her time anyway but now she didn’t have the pressure to buy toys and tee shirts on vacation since she knew that it was her time and being creative that was her real gift.  All that I can say is… AMAZING and brave of that family.  Love it!
  2. How Christmas is Celebrated – this young couple knew that boundaries needed to be set when they got married, yes, married.  They told both sets of parents that they will be spending Christmas Eve services at their own church and would always be celebrating in their own home on Christmas morning.  However, they would always be willing to go to visit after that.  My friend said their families thought that was a bit harsh when they didn’t even have kids yet but, 14 years later and with 3 kids, it’s turned out really well.  They definitely make sure both sets of grandparents get equal access, but the firm and loving boundaries and consistency has kept their relations with all relatives really solid.  Communication was the key.
As I finish this podcast with you, I do want to give you some wise words.  Take it slow.  Take in what you’ve learned, work on just one part at a time or one side of the family at a time.  Maybe, for you, it will be to plant a seed for next year that maybe things can be different instead of upsetting the apple cart this year.  It’s all ok.  At least you might know now that you’re not the only one who has a Gift Monster to tame and, hey, you might never tame it but know that there’s empathy and love for having to get through each season.  If you have a story you’d like to tell me about, I’d love to hear about it!  If you want advice, I’m here for you.  Just email me mary@parentingdecoded.com.

I hope you’ve found some ideas that can help tame your Gift Monsters into loving and warm Gift Angels so that you and your kids can enjoy a lifetime of enchanted moments with all those who love them. 
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Podcast 31: Sibling Competitions: How Everyone Can Win

4/22/2021

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN
​
Do you have kids who are always running to the car and saying: “I’m first!”?  Or maybe they argue over who mom or dad reads to first at night?  How about who gets to sit where at the dinner table?  Or who does dad pour the catsup on French fries first?  I know my boys would have a battle each time we got into an elevator over who gets to push the buttons.  It’s exhausting, isn’t it?  You might even say it “drains your energy” if you’re a Love and Logic parent. 

In this podcast I want to help you turn that constant bickering into an opportunity for modeling cooperation and fairness.  Ha!  There’s no way that can happen in your house, you say?  I challenge you to try a few of these tactics and get back to me and let me know if they worked for you and your family.  I’ll bet you one hour of free coaching if I’m not right, otherwise, you leave me a nice review on this podcast.  Deal?  Deal. 
 
First, determine a list of issues your kids are competing at.  Some of you can probably do this off the top of your head the issues are so obvious but, if you need to, observe them for a few days and take notes till you have at least 3-4 things to talk about.   Here is a list one parent sent me:
  • Who showers first
  • Who brushes their teeth first
  • Who sits on the couch first and where they get to sit
 
Next, hold a Family Meeting at a time when there are no competitions going on, maybe after dinner or just ask everyone to come into the Family Room for a few minutes.  There’s an entire podcast, #17 on how to run Family Meetings but here’s a brief review:
 
Step 1: Set the meeting – meaning the location and duration.  The meeting will be really short for young ones 4 and under, 3-5 minutes, but for older kids it could be 15-20 minutes.  Don’t make it too long!  In this case,  I’ll choose Sunday evening right after dinner.
 
Step 2: Start the meeting, list the issues
Have your list of competition challenges ready and ask for input of any others you might have missed.  For this Sunday’s meeting let’s say we just work one issue, which seats the family sit in at dinner table.  I have to chuckle, this sounds so simple, right?  But I know there are plenty of petty issues like this that your kids fight about, right?
 
Step 3: Brainstorm
Take one example at a time and think about new ways to solve the problem.  In our example of where to sit at the dinner table, have everyone come up with several ways to solve it.  It could be a rotation every night or you could choose seats for a week at a time.  You can talk about how to figure out who gets to choose first -- rock-paper-scissors or pulling numbers from a hat.  All options!  You could even throw in some silly ones like having a “no chair night” where you have a picnic on the floor once a week.  Be creative, it’s way more fun and engaging!
 
Step 4: Select Ideas
Once you’ve brainstormed lots of ideas, go through a process to select which ones you’re going to try first. Be sure to keep the list of full ideas since this is the START of the process of selecting just the first one to try.  In this step also make sure to decide how long the first trial will last – a day, a week, a month?  I’m guessing that most families will probably try something for about a week when they first attempt to do this.  In our example, let’s say we choose seats for one week at a time and choose by using numbers from a hat. 
 
Step 5: Experiment
Now comes the fun part, whatever method was chosen, try it out for the agreed upon duration.  In our case, the 4 of us pull numbers from a hat and we choose a seat for one whole week.  As the week progresses, take notes on what different people think. If your kids are able, have them make a poster to put in the kitchen with each person’s name and a box under it with that person’s current positive, negative or neutral feedback.  Feel free to use stickers or magnets so that people can change their minds throughout the week.
 
Step 6: Review & Revise
At this point you’re going to schedule a follow up Family Meeting where you formally review how your experiment worked.  If the feedback is great, great!  If it’s not, then you go back to the lists you came up with and see what other options you could try; you can even take in new feedback. 
 
As you can tell, the important theme here is that it’s an experiment, it’s not set in stone.  We often try something once and when it doesn’t work out, we give up.  We want to model for our kids that life is all about evolving experiments that should eventually lead to acceptable solutions all around but that it takes work.  You should model that the work is worth it!
 
In our chair example, let’s say Joe is happy but Michael isn’t.  Mom and dad are fine anywhere so they are neutral.  If someone isn’t happy, we’re going to look at the list.  What can we modify about how we pick for the next week that can make Michael happy next week and get Joe to be at least neutral?  Since Joe drew the best number from a hat last week, we decide that Michael will go first this week without choosing from a hat at all.  We also decided that since dad is responsible for getting refills that he’ll have a permanent seat that’s closest to the counter so now we just rotate through 3 seats.  I think you get the drift.  We’ll try this new setup for another week and then meet up again for more feedback and review.
 
Step 7: Celebrate!
When you’re able to make headway on issues celebrate!  Often in our busy lives we make progress and just keep bulldozing right on past a success.  Take time.  Make it fun!  You don’t have to do it every time but sometimes it is really great for building a family culture that is productive, caring and enjoyable to be in.  An ice cream party or trip to a fun place that everyone loves.  Do something to show it was worth it!
 
Just to give you a flavor for the process, I’m going to tell you about one brave family with two little girls who are 4 and 2.  The older one is really the competitive one and wants everything first but little sister at 2 isn’t going to just let big sister push her around.  Sound familiar? 

Dad is usually on duty in the mornings and those girls immediately start competing for dad’s attention – who gets their hair done first, who sits at the table first, who gets milk on their cereal first, you get the idea.  The same sort of things happened at bedtime with brushing teeth, taking a bath, reading books, you name it. 

​Well, dad sat them down one morning for a 3-minute Family Meeting cause they’re young, to brainstorm what they could do.  He proposed that one girl could go first in the morning and the other in the evening.  Would that work for them?  They then proceeded to pick which girl was the morning and which was the evening girl.  Excellent!  That morning went so smooth!  The older daughter was first so she was really happy and the younger one was fine with it.  Then came the evening and the older daughter wanted to be first at something.  It only took at bit of calm and loving reminding from dad as to what the agreement was and she was ok.  Yeah!  Progress.  This worked well for morning and evening for a week or more; however, they started competing so much for non-morning/evening issues that both mom and dad were at their wits end and felt like failures.  Oh my!
 
After some encouragement they decided to hold that next Family Meeting to expand the morning/evening choices to encompass an experiment where each girl would be first all day for everything and then they’d rotate the next day for the other girl to be first.  They were going to print out a calendar that the girls could color their days so they could always know who was first or second. 

How did Round 2 go?  Really well!  Round 1 seemed hopeful but they really did need Round 2 in ways they couldn’t have predicted without the Round 1 experiment.  This family recently had a Round 3 to figure out that they need to cross off the days on the calendar when they are done so that their younger daughter could visually see which day was which a little better.  Yeah! 
 
I hope and pray some of these ideas will help you tone down the competition level in your home.  It does take extra time and effort to set things up sometimes but it’s that extra effort than can make all the difference.
 
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Podcast 19: Calming the Chaos with Choices

9/21/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​

Do you feel like you’re always battling your child?   You tell them to do something and you immediately get a “no” followed by whining and complaining or outright defiance?  A simple request that turns into a war is enough to send us over the edge sometimes. 

In this article we’re going to talk about how to avoid power struggles by using a secret weapon -- Choices!


Battle for Control
When our kids are putting up a big fuss, whether it’s about going to bed or getting off electronics, they push our buttons so quickly that our brains go into resistance mode and we allow ourselves to be pulled into a power struggle.  We want the best for our kids and we know how to get it to them efficiently and effectively so they should just do what we say.  Some of us are extra frustrated because when we were kids, we didn’t give our own parents such grief and that thought makes US even more frustrated with this whole situation. 

We’ve talked a lot about helicopter parents in my previous podcasts but now I want to talk about another type: Drill Sergeants. Parents who always want to tell their kids what and how to do things are called “Drill Sergeants”.  Kids of drill sergeants grow up feeling they’re not listened to and their opinions don’t count.  They are ignored. 

Well, for parents who want to raise kids who are followers that might work well.  But who is really trying to do that?  Anyone?  No way, our society tells us we’re supposed to be raising leaders, right?  Now I do want to mention that most of us fluctuate between being a helicopter parent and a drill sergeant depending on the circumstance, our kids’ mood and our mood.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of but it is something to be aware of.  It’s when we switch into our drill sergeant mode that our kids start joining the army to battle anything coming their way.  Yikes!

What’s a parent to do?  Shut down our natural drill sergeant tendencies and bring choices into play.  We should give away control as much as possible especially about things we don’t really care about and as many times a day as we possibly can.  Allowing our kids lots of choices gives them the power over their lives that they are seeking.  It not only will build confidence about their ability to make decisions but also reassure them that they can control some things in life.  It’s soothing to not only their hearts and minds but also to your mind and spirit.  Who wants to go through life feeling like we have to battle our kids at every turn?

One thing to note is that you need to give choices when things are going well, before any power struggle erupts.  How do you do that? 

Offer Playful Choices When Young
When kids are little, I find that parents can have a lot of fun offering playful choices that help to serve as distractions that wind up easily preventing battles.

Here’s a classic drill sergeant parenting move: It’s time to go to bed.  Please go change and get ready.

Often, you get the classic answer: No!  I don’t want to go to bed!

In this case, emotion is already engaged so you’ve got a battle on your hands.  So, what can you do instead BEFORE any resistance happens? 

Try this:
“It’s time to go to bed…” and then offer some of these options:
  • Would you like to walk backwards to your bedroom or hop on one foot?
    Would you like to race daddy or mommy back to the bedroom?
  • Would you like to take a bath first or brush your teeth first?
  • Would you like to brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
  • Would you like to wear your pajamas tonight to bed or put on your clothes for tomorrow so you don’t have to do in the morning?
  • Would you like to go to bed in 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing full well that 15 is your goal)
  • Would you like to read one book or two? (knowing you are prepared to read two!)

Offer Just Two Options
Notice how I’m giving just two choices, not a huge menu.  You want to focus the options to be things that you’re ok with.  Just like the time for going to bed I offered two times that I liked – 5 minutes or 15 minutes.  If an hour isn’t an option, then I don’t offer it. You also don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you’re waiting for a response. 

Decide for Them If They Can’t Decide
Choices, when offered, should be decided within 5-10 seconds.  If it takes longer, you’re being held for ransom, so you need to go ahead and decide for your child.  It’ll sound something like:
“Oh, this is so sad.  It looks like you’re having trouble deciding.  I’m going to give you a bath before books.  I’m sure tomorrow night you’ll be able to choose on our own.”

Now some kids might have a tantrum at the prospect of you choosing for them but you need to brace yourself for that and give them empathy and love but their time to choose has passed.  This might seem crazy at first but after a few rounds of this your child will know that if they really want some control over things in their lives, they’ll have to do it on a timely basis. 

You just keep churning out the choices when things are calm.  One thing is certain, if a kid’s brain is triggered into an emotional battle, choices won’t work.  Their brain is “off” so don’t start trying to load in choices right then.    Sometimes we try to fix things by using choices like a kid having a tantrum over what you’re serving for dinner: “Oh, you don’t like the chicken nuggets for dinner?  How about mac n cheese or spaghetti?”  When your kids are upset, let them be upset.  Give them love and empathy and maybe a few hugs until their emotions have settled down and then, and only then, would you try to solve the problem and might offer some choices to do that.  “Wow, I can tell you were upset earlier about having chicken nuggets.  That’s so sad.  Tomorrow would you like spaghetti or mac n cheese?”  This is all assuming you don’t mind having spaghetti or mac n cheese for dinner. 

Teens and Choices
Those of you who have older kids might say to yourselves that those fun-filled choices of hopping and skipping to bed or the car for are beyond you and you might just be right.  However, your battles can be bigger, can’t they?  Those tweens and teens really want control over their lives.  When kids don’t have control, they can set the whole house into a tailspin of tension and mistrust that can make every day miserable.  To counter that tendency, as kids grow, we need to transition them to making more and more decisions so they are prepared for the real world.  You aren’t protecting them from anything by being over protective and restraining them.

You need to up your game by allowing them more choices that are more advanced.  Here are some examples,
  • Instead of, “go brush your teeth” you give them a choice of brushing their teeth twice a day or paying for extra cleanings.  
  • Instead of dealing with a stinky teen who won’t bathe, let them know they are welcome to shower either before dinner or in the morning, dinner or breakfast will be served accordingly.
  • Instead of doing their laundry for them and demanding they bring you their dirty clothes, let them know they can do their laundry on Saturday when you’re not using the machine or after 5pm during on Mondays.  In that example, notice you’re not only giving choices but you’re helping them with a life lesson in laundry.
  • Instead of hearing them complain about what you’re cooking for dinner, ask them which day they’d like to make dinner, Monday night or Sunday.
  • Would they like take out the trash before dinner or after dinner?
  • Would they like to use their laptop in the kitchen or the dining room?  (notice their bedroom isn’t an option)
  • Would they like help with your to help with math or would they like to have a study group?
  • Would they like to join a soccer team or a baseball team?

Not Everything is a Choice
I do want to let you know that you don’t need to make a choice about everything.   Brushing teeth in most families isn’t a matter of a choice but allowing them to pick electric or hand brushing or which toothpaste or what timer to use to know they’ve brushed long enough can all be options offered as choices.  You get to choose the topics that can have choices. 

In a previous podcast, I talked about a mom who was having trouble getting her kids to wear their helmets when bike riding.  It’s a safety issue that’s non-negotiable.  The only choice I would offer would be do you want to ride with a helmet or not ride a bike?  That’s more like a threat.  I’ll talk in my next podcast about how to use well defined boundaries in situations like that instead of choices so stay tuned for that. 

Resistance to Choices – How to Handle It
Now there are lots of you regular listeners who tell me that choices are amazing, but they don’t always work.  Maybe they work with one child but your other child just likes “no” a little too much.  Here are some tips:

  1. If they won’t choose quickly enough or want to make their own options, hold fast and let them know they can choose next time, but you go ahead and choose for them this time.
  2. If you’re consistent then they know you’ll be true to your word.  Give them empathy if they start giving a major fuss that they don’t like the options given.  Feel free to go brain dead and say “I knooooooow” as a response.   It’s ok for our kids not to like all our choices so we need to make sure we keep our emotions in check in the event our kids don’t like our choices.  Saying something like: “This is so sad.  That’s not one of the choices right now.  I’m happy to let you choose something else at a different time.”  Then you go ahead and pick one of the choices.  Don’t let getting grief from your child throw you off. 
  3. If your child really won’t choose and a major battle still ensues, I’d recommend you go listen to Podcast 10 on Consequences and Punishments.  You’ll get a lot of ideas on how to react in a calm and loving manner. 
  4. Feel free to email me as well or connect with me on Facebook.  I love brainstorming with parents their challenging situations!

Using choices and giving kids lots of practice with making decisions is super healthy.  As kids learn to trust that you value their opinion and hear what they have to say, their self-worth and self-esteem can grow and blossom.  You will see your child empowered and wanting to cooperate instead of going to battle with you.  In the end, you’ll be looking for more ways to give your child choices.
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Bottomline: use choices, use them often, use them with just a few options that you like.
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Podcast 14 - Chores - Why and How

6/24/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​

I’ve had quite a few people asking me about chores – how to set them up, do you pay for them, how much do you pay, is allowance tied to chores, do I need chore charts with rewards, what do I do if my kid won’t do their chores.  In this podcast I want to address all those issues and more.  Chores let your kids develop life skills that, if taught well, will launch them into a good place in life.  I’ll start with the research behind why chores are important and then I’ll get into the nitty-gritty of how to implement chores with kids of various ages. 

First, the research…

Research shows that kids who do chores grow into happier, healthier, far more successful adults, and the sooner parents start them on them, the better off they are.  There have been two ground-breaking studies looking at success and correlations with behavior and upbringing.  One is the Harvard Grant Study which gathered data on individuals over 75 years and the other is a University of Minnesota study looking at individuals over 20 years.   Both published a ton of results in 2015.  Here are some brief observations I want to highlight for you:

  1. It starts young: The best predictor of success in young adulthood, on measures related to education completion, career path, and personal relationships, was whether they had begun doing chores at an early age — as young as 3 or 4.
  2. Professional success – doing chores was significantly correlated with academic and career success but there are even indications that early chores were linked to higher IQs. 
  3. Relationship skills - “A kid who learns early to do chores will be a more generous and cooperative partner. It’s easier to live and work with a person who has learned to take care of his or her own stuff and to be responsible for some of the boring work that adult and family life requires.”  Chores teach kids vital relationship skills like cooperation, teamwork, and respect for others. I bet we all know someone in college who was the biggest slob and thoughtless roommate ever - never picked up after themselves, didn’t do the dishes, left the counter dirty and disgusting after cooking.  Yuck. 
  4. Mental Heath - researchers found that participation in chores as children was a better predictor for mental health in adulthood than social class and family conflict.
  5. Organization, Time Management and delayed gratification - Kids who do chores learn to organize their time and to delay gratification. Both of those are vital skills for later success.  If you have to do the dishes before playing video games and your friends are playing at 7pm then you’d better get those dishes done before then.  Having to fit in chores forces kids learn to manage their time. Julie Lythcott-Haims who wrote the book How to Raise an Adult said, “While it can be tempting to give kids a pass on busy homework nights real life is going to require them to do all of these things. When they're at a job, there might be times that they have to work late, but they'll still have to go grocery shopping and do the dishes."






Taking Time for Chores

In the Harvard Grant Study, researchers identified two things that people need in order to be happy and successful: The first? Love. The second? Work ethic.

What's the best way to develop work ethic in young people? Based on high-achievers who were part of the study there's a consensus of what gave them a good work ethic - A "pitch-in" mindset.  This is a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me ... that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.

The drawback we have as parents, however, is that having our kids do chores doesn't necessarily wind up being less work for us, does it?  It takes more time to teach our kids to do chores and to do them well instead of just doing the chores ourselves.  How many of us look forward to nagging our kids and reminding them day after day to do their chores away?  Now that we know the benefits of doing chores for the long-term, let’s take a close look at the practical side of what we can do to help us arrange for chores in our households.

PRACTICAL SIDE OF CHORES

To Pay or Not to Pay For Chores

I want to start by addressing one major issue - should we pay for chores.  I firmly believe we shouldn’t.  A family is a unit of people who need each other and love each other.  It takes work to take care of a family and there’s no reason why kids can’t learn at an early age that pitching in is just something they need to do.  Remember that life skill we learned about earlier?  The “pitching in” skill?  We do need to set up chores with love and encouragement though instead of nagging and threats. 

When we pay our kids for chores, they start to think that if they don’t get paid then they don’t have to work.  Or, if they don’t need the money, then they don’t need to do the chores either.  They become workers for hire and not contributing family members.  We threaten to withhold money when they aren’t done and this shouldn’t be about money, it should be about pitching in.

I do want to say that I believe in giving kids an allowance as a means to learn about handling money but it should be separate from chores.  Teaching kids about money is so important actually that I’ll do separate podcast soon on it so stay tuned for that. 

By Age

To help you on the practical side of things, I’m going to go over my recommendations for chores by age.  I’m going to give you some basic examples but after you’re done listening feel free to visit my PARENTING DECODED Pinterest board on Kids Chores.

For kids 2-3 years
You want to start young.  Yep, really young.  I’d start as early as two.  Richard Bromfield who wrote the book How to Unspoil Your Child Fast put it nicely, “When kids are really young, they want to help you rake leaves or prepare dinner.  Take those opportunities to let kids help. Those moments are infused with love and connection. By the time they're older and really able to do [those tasks] competently, they've lost interest."  Cape diem!  Seize the day!  A 2 or 3-year-old helping to sweep the back porch, dust the book shelves, or make a snack in the kitchen with a parent is a happy kid.  When they grow up and inevitably have to accomplish these things, they’re less likely to rail against them if you started early and naturally. 

What can a 2 or 3-year-old do?
  • Pick up toys
  • Wipe up spills
  • Dust
  • Clear places at meal times
  • Help put away groceries
  • Sort recycling
  • Put dirty clothes in laundry​







For 4-6 year-olds you start to move into chores that are more helpful and they can learn to do these without you but still aren’t too hard. 
  • Make their bed
  • Sort laundry and put away clothes
  • Feed pet
  • Set the table
  • Make a small snack or help with dinner
  • Pull weeds
  • Water plants
  • Vacuum
  • Sweep porch

For 7-9 years there is LOTS they can do. 
  • Get themselves out of bed in the morning
  • Make lunch for school
  • Do their laundry or at least fold it
  • Cook a simple meal
  • Load/unload dishwasher
  • Clean up after the dog
  • Clean the bathroom
  • Take out the trash

For 10-18 and beyond
  • Do all of their own laundry
  • Mow the lawn
  • Cook a complete meal
  • Wash the car
  • Mop the floors
  • Babysit
  • Help with younger children
  • Basic home repairs (light bulbs, dust a fan using a ladder, tighten loose screws)

Older kids Starting Chores Ideas

I want to talk now to families with older kids who haven’t been doing chores or almost no chores yet.  I’m mostly talking about families with teens or tweens but if you have elementary kids who aren’t doing chores this can be helpful to you as well.

If you have kids in this category,  it will be a huge adjustment for them, that’s for sure.  Our society has transitioned to valuing homework more than teamwork so we’ve given our kids a “pass” when it comes to contributing and they’re likely to resist your efforts to get them to contribute. 

For starters, I am going to give you the number one chore you need to have your teen or tween start doing right now.   It only involves them.  If they don’t do this chore, it only hurts them – not you, not the rest of the family, not even the family dog or cat.  What is it?  LAUNDRY. 

Set up a Family Meeting and announce that starting in one week you’ll allow your children to do their own laundry whenever they’d like as long as you’re not using the machines yourself.  You allow them to choose when to have a lesson on how to use the washer and dryer.  You also let them know that once they are trained, they are responsible for using the appliances appropriately or paying for the repairs.  Lovingly let them know that you will always provide soap and answer specialty questions that arise but their laundry will now be their laundry.

Then, you implement this.  Things might get stinky in their rooms.  Just shut the door.  They need to take care of themselves and this is the perfect life skill and chore for them to own. Some parents think they’ll waste water but that is much less likely than them not cleaning their clothes often enough. 

Here’s what else you need to do: no yelling, no reminding or nagging.  If you have an athlete, all the more reason to get them in the groove early.  They might come to realize they need more underwear to stretch out washings to once a week or once every two weeks.  Great!  Let them buy more underwear!  They can use their own money.  If they dye a load of laundry pink because they didn’t separate their colors correctly, let them wear pink or replace things with their own money.  If your child won’t fold their laundry, won’t put it away?  Don’t lift a finger.  Let them wear wrinkled clothes.  Let them figure out what is clean and what is dirty.  Just stay away.  Assist them by answering questions by all means, just don’t do their laundry.

Ok,  feeling better?  Do you think you can get that one implemented at your house?  Good!  This laundry chore will get you on a path toward where you really want to be, getting them more involved in chores around the house.  So, what’s next?

Here’s what I did with my boys when they hit middle school.  This process I’m going to describe takes a bit of time to implement but I really think it is worth the effort.  It absolutely was for me.

Start by taking a piece of binder paper and taping it to the fridge in your kitchen.  Every day, many times a day, write the chores that everyone in the family does on the list.  Take about two weeks to write all the chores so that you get a really good cross section of things that need getting done.  Add pages as they get full.  I told my boys about the list and encouraged them to write down their chores if they didn’t see them on the list but it was a list of all our chores, not just theirs. 

What was on the list? Grocery shopping, driving kids to school, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, paying bills, earning the money to pay the bills, vacuuming, planting the garden, making beds, cleaning the dishes, setting the table, etc.  Our list was about three pages long in the end. 

Next, organize the list into categories – daily (making beds, setting the table), weekly (taking garbage bins to the street, combing the cat), monthly (clean their bathroom) and random (changing light bulbs, refilling TP, washing the car). I happen to put all mine into a spreadsheet so I could more easily manipulate them and add columns for who will do each chore but do whatever works for you. 

Last step, have a Family Meeting and brainstorm who does what.  True confession, the first time I did this I hadn’t categorized by daily/weekly/monthly and it was a disaster.  I had to re-think my process and hold another Family Meeting a few days later which is what I’m describing now.  Haha… you can learn from my mistakes! 

My kids had already had chores but this magic list showed them that mom happened to be doing LOTS of the chores with dad in second place.  I was a stay-at-home mom at the time so it wasn’t all that surprising. 
For their daily chores I just asked before school for two simple things in their rooms –straighten up their beds and open their blinds.  I love light in my house and I really wanted that help.  They agreed it seemed reasonable.  They had other daily chores but those were my wins by doing this.

For their weekly chores, they got to decide when they did them – which days worked best in their busy schedules.  This is where using choices was key.  I wanted them done,  they could say when! They also chose that some chores they would own and others would rotate.  It seemed that neither wanted to clean the litter boxes for our cats so they rotated that one with taking the garbage bins to the street.  I was flexible!  It didn’t matter to me when, just that they helped. 

I also had commitment from my husband and boys that if I cooked, they’d clean the dinner dishes. We would all take our plates over to the counter but then one boy would help dad wash the pots and load the dishwasher and the other one was responsible for cleaning up the leftovers and counters.  Again, choices!  I could chill while they happily picked their after-dinner music and cleaned up.  It never took more than 15 minutes.  This again was a chore I used to pretty much do all by myself and not always happily.  Another win!

However,  my real coupe, if you ask me, came when I showed them the “random” list of jobs, the ones that don’t have a schedule.  It had about 40 jobs on it.  I was pretty much doing most of the 40 jobs and they all could see that now.  Before we created this list,  they had no idea how long it was.  I asked them to each pick 4 jobs from the list.  I didn’t care which ones, just pick and be responsible.  Their eyes lit up.  Only four!  Wow!  That’s a steal!  They were expecting 15 or something.  While that doesn’t seem quite fair in some ways to me, I was thrilled to have one son now be the permanent light-bulb-changer and the other the toilet-paper-refiller and foaming-soap-refiller. 

I can’t even remember the other ones but it was awesome.  Just the week before we did this list I had asked one of my sons to replace a lightbulb. They had no interest whatsoever especially since we had high ceilings and a lot of them needed a ladder to get to.  Well, the very next week after the new jobs were selected, I got 4 light bulbs changed from a happy teen. Yep!  He smiled and just went off to change them. 

I encourage you all to make your list and get buy-in for some assistance.  Chores are good for your kids even if they won’t admit it. 

Chore Charts, Chore Jars and Chore Events

Next,  I’m going to talk about how you might track and set up the chores.  There are quite a few clever ways I’ve been researching that parents accomplish getting their kids to know what chores to do - chore charts, chore jars and chore days or mornings.

Chore Charts – a simple chart that has chores listed and maybe the days of the week.  You can use a marker or stickers that the child can show they are done with a chore.  Simple.  Some families collect stars and give a reward but since rewards are kinda like paying for chores I’m not all that keen on rewards, just charts for tracking what’s to be done.  If your child can’t read, by all means use pictures.  If your child is older, have Family Meetings to discuss what chores will be done by whom and when.  The more choices you can give your kids over chores, the more ownership they will have in completing them.
 
Chore jars - I love some of the Pinterest ideas where you take popsicle sticks and write all the chores on them and put them in a jar.  Each person in the family can then pick a stick, do the job and then put it in the “completed” jar when they’re done.  Have different jars for different ages if you need to.  Be creative! 

Chore days or mornings - Some families pick one day on the weekend, maybe Saturday morning, where they all do chores together.  A list is posted that morning of what needs to be done and everyone pitches in until they are all completed.

Consequences for Not Doing Chores

Let’s move on.   We might agree on the concept of chores but what if our kids won’t do them without lots of nagging and threats?  We need to stop nagging and threatening.  I need you to go back and listen to Podcast #10 on how to set up good consequences.  Using the Love and Logic® technique called Energy Drain that those of you who came to a class learned, as well as setting some good limits as to what will happen if chores aren’t done, is the direction you need to head in.  If you don’t know the Energy Drain technique I’ll put a link to the audio you can download it from Love and Logic®. 

When kids are younger a simple limit stated positively like: “Anyone who has finished their chores is welcome to sit down at the dinner table.” Or “I read books to kids who have put their clothes in their hamper.”  These work really well for little ones.   For snarky teens and tweens you might need something more like, “Gee, it really drains my energy to see all those dishes sitting in the sink. What are you going to do to put my energy back?”  If they refuse, just like I describe in Podcast #10, the next day might look like: “I drive kids to school or soccer practice who have put my energy back.”  Or, “I allow kids to use electronics who’ve put my energy back.”  You need to keep calm and you need to not nag or yell.  I know it can be hard but, believe me, if you’re consistent, your kids will trust that you mean what you say.

I do want to cover one more advanced concept that worked great for my own boys.  I never yelled or nagged about doing chores.  I let it be known that I’d be happy to do any chore for them and I posted a list of charges on my kitchen bulletin board.  It was only $20 for me to take the garbage bins to the street, $5 to refill TP  and $10 to comb the cat. Everything had a price.  I collected my charges once a month from the pink note cards that went on the bulletin board to track when I did a job for them.  It allowed me to be a happy mom and they got to be responsible since they didn’t like giving me their money.  This whole setup I’ll explain in a future podcast on how to teach kids about money but for now put prices on things.  I also bargained to take down a pink card if they did one of my jobs.  I was flexible!  I’d even tell you to feel free to post what you’ll pay kids to do your chores if they want to earn money as well. 

Did I give you enough practical ideas on how to get some chores done at your house?  I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you.  Realizing that our kids need chores is what I hope I’ve accomplished here.  Let your kids grow and experience real life, get them out of the academic and performance-oriented bubble our society has been forcing them in to.  Help create humans who care to pitch in and understand that life isn’t all about them; it’s about creating a loving environment where we can work to solve problems together. 

I loved how Julie Lycott-Haims wrote in her book, How to Raise an Adult, “By making them do chores -- taking out the garbage, doing their own laundry -- they realize I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life. It's not just about me and what I need in this moment."

​Here's the link to PINTEREST KIDS CHORE BOARD

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To Quit or Not to Quit

2/1/2019

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It seems that every parent has to cross the threshold of their child wanting to quit an activity.  It could be piano, basketball, soccer, violin, clarinet, tutoring, gymnastics, karate, whatever.  Sometimes it's just private lessons that only impact your child while other times it's quitting a team which adds a whole other dimension of problems and guilt.
I just want to start out saying that the reason this is so tough is because there IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.  Yep,  you really have to take lots of things into consideration, it's not a one-stop-shop.  Here are few things that I considered when my boys wanted to quit piano when they were in elementary school:
  • How miserable is your child and/or your family with the whining and complaining?
    • Yes, I'm being totally honest.  This was a hot button for me.  Every week we had to nudge and cajole our kids to practice before the next lesson.  My one son loved his instructor but never wanted to practice.  It's good not to give up too quickly since sometimes a child struggles when things get harder and they really can push through and get to a better place.  However, sometimes it is a true lack of interest, talent or there are other competing issues.  After a year of whining we agreed we had had enough.  Some families might switch instructors, use rewards, modify schedules for breaks or practice and that works for them.  I tried many of those things but they didn't last long.  Don't give up just because I did on piano, but think about it.  (The happy ending was that when both our kids got to middle and and high school they both knew enough music to do really fun things with it. )
  • Who chose the activity in the first place?
    • In my case, it was me who really wanted the lessons, something I never got as a kid.   My boys were ok signing up for lessons when we started,  they were even excited.  
  • Is there a natural stopping point to exit gracefully?
    • In sports there is often a team that your child will be disappointing if they quit mid-season.  In our case, we didn't have a team, just our son.  We figured out a good time to quit and just quietly ended the lessons.  Later on in high school our son wanted to quit band in the middle of a season.  Ouch.  That was a tough one.  After meeting with the director and discussing things with lots of emotion and anguish, we agreed that, although it was a hard decision for him to make, one that had lots of consequences, he could live with it.  Having loving people around you when decisions are hard is what being a good parent is all about, that was the role my husband and I played.  EMPATHY is the best tool at times like these.  
  • When one ends, choose another
    • I love it when a family agrees to end one activity and as part of the brainstorming they allow and/or help the child pick a new activity to try.  Be careful not to let your child give up activities only to replace them with electronics or other sedentary activities.  In my house the boys got to choose their activities but they had to choose something, not nothing (aka electronics).  

I use my piano story here but want to let you know that it wasn't my only parenting journey into lessons that involved quitting or moving on.  I had a star soccer player who, after investing in goalie lessons in addition to club teams and such, decided he wanted to play basketball.  No problem,  we moved on to basketball school teams and club teams in addition to shooting lessons.  It worked!  He was great!  But then he went off to college and now he's totally hooked on rock climbing and never picks up a basketball.  What's the theme?  He's active and athletic.  Yeah!  He does play electronics but at least he has the bigger picture of taking care of his health and he truly enjoys being active.  

It was worth all those lessons and all that whining.  He wasn't a quitter,  he was exploring life and we helped him on his journey by brain storming and problem solving these issues when we came upon them.  It wasn't always easy but life wasn't meant to be.

Oh yeah, by the way,  he now has started music lessons and invested in a keyboard and guitar using his own time and money, not mine.  Amazing!  

If you'd like another thoughtful article to read on this subject try this one by Katy Abel on the FamilyEducation website:
QUITTING ARTICLE
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Dealing with "NO!"

5/1/2018

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Do you hear "NO!" as a response in your home just a little too often?  It can just drive us nuts especially if we're in a hurry and don't have time to deal with it.  

Could you please take out the trash?   .... NO!
Can you feed the dog while I'm making dinner?.... NO!
For the 18th time put away your shoes! ... NO!
Get off electronics! .... NO!

We want to avoid setting up ourselves for NO but can't always remember how to do that.  Here are some hints:

HINT #1 - Use Choices
Would you like to take out the trash before dinner or before you start your homework?
Notice that "no" isn't one of the options?  

Would you like to feed the dog while I make dinner or you make dinner while I feed the dog?

HINT #2 - Use Loving Limits
We let kids come to the dinner table who've put their shoes away.  

We allow kids to use electronics who've finished their homework (or whatever other limit you've set).  

We allow kids to use electronics who haven't been fighting with their siblings. 

I drive kids to school who've brushed their teeth.  

HINT #3 - Still Getting NO?
Sometimes even when we give choices or set a loving limit our kids still refuse to do what we ask.  It's at this point where you should DELAY THE CONSEQUENCES.  

In a really nice, sweet empathetic voice say, "No problem, I'll feed the dog.  It really drains my energy though.  I'll have to do SOMETHING about it."  You don't know what you're going to do but you get to decide what that is at a later time, not right now.  Just let it slide and think of a reasonable consequence when you're ready.  

What might that be?  
CHILD - "Mom,  I'm all done with my homework, where is the iPad?  I want to play my game now."
YOU - "This is so sad, I know how much you love playing after you do your homework.  The iPad has been put away since my energy was too drained after you didn't get off electronics yesterday.  Sorry.  Would you like some ideas about how my energy might be put back?"

CHILD - "Mom, we need to go meet John at the Mall.  He's waiting for us to shop for new basketball shoes."
YOU - "Wow, this is so sad.  I really don't have the energy to drive to get new basketball shoes.  I used up all my energy taking out the trash and putting away your other shoes for you.  Maybe some other time after you've put some energy back in me.  There's a list on the fridge, feel free to pick one and let me know when you're done. "
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Food Battles: Let's Win!

10/3/2017

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Are you tired of trying to get your kid to eat something healthy? Is it veggies? Maybe they only eat fruit? Or bread?

Or does your kid eat but not WHEN you want? By the time you sit down is your kid out of their chair, running around? Do you give them snacks long after the meal is done since you're worried they didn't eat enough?
Sometimes we just want to pull our hair out because our kids are driving us crazy not eating WHAT we want them to eat or not eating WHEN we want them to. Ugh! Sooo infuriating!
The list of battles we can have with our kids over food is endless!
Here are some really practical tips on how to "win" your food battles.

"WHAT" THEY EAT BATTLE
#1 - Offer Healthy Choices: Your game plan here is to provide lots of healthy choices and let them choose. If they are hungry, they will eat. They might skip a dinner or two or not eat veggies much for a year or so but, eventually, if you are patient and don't battle them on it, their bodies will want food. You just offer good stuff!

Should you cook separate meals for them? The answer is "no" with the exception that you should offer at least one item that you feel pretty confident that your kids will eat. In my house, I knew one would eat green beans and the other broccoli so I tried to offer those pretty frequently along with a protein plus a starch they liked - potatoes, rice or bread. When we moved up the tastebuds to include Caesar Salad as they got older, it became a staple. The food choices were more bland than I preferred but it was food I liked enough and knew they would eat.

"WHEN" THEY EAT BATTLE
#2 - Set Loving Limits for When Food is Offered: You need a different tactic than you use with the "WHAT" battle. You need to set Loving Limits on when food is served and what happens when one leaves the dinner table. The Loving Limit would be along the lines of: "I serve dinner for 30 minutes." (or 5 or 15... whatever your family needs!) At the end of the allotted time, the dinner goes away. There were only healthy choices offered and your kids were welcome to eat what they wanted to during "dinnertime" but not forever. We don't open up the kitchen later to kids who are hungry because they didn't eat their meal. Tough? Yep. Does it work? Yep!

Another Loving Limit might be: "We allow children sitting at the table to enjoy their food. Once you get up, it means you're done and your food goes away." This is really useful for parents of wiggly little ones who are learning what it means to sit. If we let them get up and run around and come back to the table when they want, they will learn there is no limit. It will take a meal or two for them to figure out their running around is making them hungry but it's worth the peace at the table for them to learn this in such a loving way. No lectures, just action and love.

But, you say, my kids whine when they are hungry and I feel terrible putting them to bed on a empty stomach! If you really, really can't completely close the kitchen (which is the preferred method) then find something really bland and boring that you know your kids will eat but not crave. My typical recommendation is using carrots or celery as a choice for kids who are hungry when the kitchen is closed. I used to offer my son Go-Gurt squeezable yogurt when he was young. I think that was a bit too nice and sweet but I didn't know L&L so you'll have to forgive me. :) In my defense, it never varied and I didn't have to cook another thing, plus it was quick.

DESSERT comments: Hmm... this is always a tricky one since many of us were raised with: "You won't get any dessert if you don't finish your dinner." I would try not to use threats but would turn it into a Loving Limit more positively by saying: "We allow children who've finished their dinner to enjoy dessert." You don't battle or bribe, just state the limit in a loving way, no pestering, no waiting for them to finish, simply move on to dessert and offer Empathy to those who chose to not finish their dinner. It would sound like: "This is so sad. I know how much you enjoy carrot cake. I'm sure tomorrow you'll do a better job with your dinner." Then you end the conversation. Yep, END it! No more talking. Feel free to comfort them as they cry and fuss but use Brain Dead and restate your Loving Limit again and again in an empathetic way.

​
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Academic vs. Life Skills - Is it a Battle?

8/22/2017

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 School is fast approaching!  Yikes!  Are you ready?  Did your child study enough over the summer so they are up to speed on Day 1?  Did they go to a STEM camp?  A STEAM camp?  Practice their math facts?  Take summer school to "get ahead"?  Do their summer reading?  What ever happened to "summer fun" anyway? 

If you're reading this you already have an idea that we, as parents, are trying to wrestle a bit of life out of the academics battlefield.  Instead of giving in to the academics urge, I wanted to give you some tips of how to merge the two concepts -- teaching life skills while staying on pace with academics.  

Tip 1 - School Supplies 
  • Give your kid a budget! 
  • Let them shop the aisles, all you need to do is the driving.
When my kids had no budget they shopped for expensive binders and accessories.  When I gave them a budget and told them they could keep what they didn't use, all of the sudden were willing to reuse last year's stuff.  Amazing!  You know the really cool thing?  I spent less even though they kept some of their budget.  It’s all about incentive and responsibility. This takes a lot of stress off your shoulders when you hold your kids accountable.

Tip 2 - School Clothes
  • Again: give your kid a budget!
  • Younger kids: have them pick and try on the clothes.  Sit down with your child and plan a list of things they need -- shorts? pants? shirts? hair ties?   coat? sweatshirt? Then go shopping.  If you’re both walking into your shopping experience with a budget and an agenda, there’s a smaller chance your kid will be grabbing everything from the shelves.
  • Middle/High School: drop them off at the mall and have them put clothes on hold till the end of the day.  When you pick them up plan time to go back to the stores and purchase the clothes.  They can keep track of what they have put on hold and decide later which things to really buy.  These older kids should plan what they need before they go but gently ask if they've done that. 
Tip 3 - Homework
  • Younger kids (preschool/elementary): these kids can plan and complete homework assignments on their own.  LET THEM!  If things are hard and they need help, let them know you are there to help, not to DO the homework.  Have your child help select the area they will be doing their homework and what supplies they need.  
  • Older kids: Let them plan their homework schedule - when and where they do it.  Before or after snack?  Before or after dinner?  With music on or off? Let their teachers be their judge of quality, not you, unless the teacher asks you to do this.
  • If they need to buy supplies for a project make sure you are the driver, not the one doing the shopping.  Use ENERGY DRAIN if they tell you at 9pm the night before something is due.   
  • Have them put their homework in their backpack.  NO REMINDERS!  They will remember to do it only when we forget.  Use EMPATHY when they do forget. 
Tip 5 - Lunchtime
  • Have them make their own sandwich or main course.  Yes, even a 5 year old should be able to make a PB&J or a ham sandwich.  
  • Allow your child to choose a fun, exciting lunchbox.   If your kids are older, let them take a paper bag if they want to. It doesn't matter what they use;
    what matters is that THEY plan what they are eating and that they remember to pack it and put it in their backpack.
  • Let them choose what goes into the lunch box.  Have lots of healthy options to choose from but THEY need to do the choosing.  
  • DON'T remind them to pack their lunch or to put it in their backpack!  DO NOT!!!  They will remember... only when we forget.  :)  Use EMPATHY when they forget.  Use PROBLEM SOLVING when it becomes a repeating problem. 
  • Let them UN-pack their lunches and clean their lunch bags.
School and academics certainly seem to be winning the battle but you as a parent can make a dent if you start letting go of the non-academic lessons that are swirling about you every academic day.  

Enjoy the school year!
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Battle Time!

5/4/2017

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It's amazing how easily battles can heat up in a home. One wrong word said, one sassy look, one sibling spat can really send us over the edge!
It's really helpful to go through our tool chest of parenting skills so that we can keep the battle under control so... let's see what we have:

BRAIN DEAD - This is key! DON'T REACT! When your kid is whining, nagging or resisting, don't give in to letting what might be boiling inside of you come out. Your child benefits from you being out of control so... don't! Take a breath and/or get yourself out of the vicinity of your child if you have to but... keep a lid on your emotions. 

CHOICES - Kids want control and they often have very little of it. When you are able, give them as many choices as possible. Remember, you only give choices you like though and not too many.  
Would you like to go to baseball practice with your uniform on or change at the field?  
Would you like water with ice or without ice?
Would you like to hop to the car or skip?
Would you like me to help with your spelling words or would you like to do it yourself?
Would you like chicken or burgers for dinner tonight?

SETTING LIMITS - When we are inconsistent in how we parent our kids pick up on it right away and use it against us. Have you been setting a limit and then not following through? I was in the store today in line behind a mom with a 4 year old. The mom kept telling her daughter to stop going into the bins yet the mom never followed up. Her daughter had free reign to do just about anything. Boy, was that annoying to watch! You'd be proud of me, I didn't say a thing.  
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Night Time Battles with Toddlers - ENERGY DRAIN and CHOICES

5/20/2016

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Does your toddler keep waking up all night? Driving you crazy? Getting no sleep at all? Are you as grumpy as your kid in the morning?

This is a common issue for parents of toddlers and preschoolers. Kids often get scared in the middle of the night or they just want company. They get up, go to mom or dad and want water, snuggles, to go to the bathroom, and endless list of sleep interruptions. Ugh... We love them but... UGH!

One set of L&L parents took a combination of CHOICES and ENERGY DRAIN to help encourage their 4 year old to take control of his actions in the middle of the night. They've had great success!

Each night BEFORE bed they give him all sorts of CHOICES about what books and activities he'd like to put beside his bed. If he wakes up, he immediately has something that he'd enjoy doing. He's allowed to turn on his light and look at books or color if he'd like. He can fall back asleep when he wants to.

If he does need comforting in the middle of the night, that's fine. However, he knows that it might cause and ENERGY DRAIN the next day when he wants his parents to play with him. He loves to shoot baskets with daddy and some days daddy is just too drained from having been woken up too many times at night. His son understands and can still enjoy shooting baskets just not with dad that day.
​
Both parents said their son is getting much better and is more relaxed knowing he has choices about what to do when he wakes up. He used to only have one thing he could do... now he has lots!
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Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting Podcaster and Educator
Independent Facilitator of Parenting
​the Love and Logic Way®​

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