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The “contributions list” is posted and Mom was a little tired of waiting for the kids to do their chores so she just said: “We’ll have dinner when the chores are done.” One son said, “Yeah, well then I guess we won’t be eating for a while!” She said, “Whatever” and sat down to read her email. She just kept calm, didn’t engage in the conversation. They did eat but about 45 minutes later than planned. Now the kids know that when she sets a limit there’s no arguing about it. Yes!
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Mom was getting very frustrated trying to serve dinner to her children who were being a bit rude and unruly. She finally decided to try a new tact after learning some Love and Logic® techniques: “I only serve dinner to kids with friendly voices.” Then she walked away. Her daughter followed her away from the table saying things like: “What’s with the new attitude? Who are you? Did you go to your class today and just learn that?” The mom threw her head back and laughed. She knew she was on to something! She also really enjoyed laughing instead of yelling. ;-) A 10 year old boy who loves hockey was just getting his gear out of his bag for a practice and noticed that his skates were missing. Yes, his SKATES. Not good. “Dad, Mom, we gotta go back home! My skates are at home!”, he said. “Oh nooooo that is so sad… you forgot your skates. Our house is 30 minutes away. We’re not driving there and back for your skates today. What are you going to do about it?” they replied calmly. “I don’t know. I can’t practice without my skates! The coach is going to be so mad. Why can’t we go back and get them??!!” “As we told you, we don’t have the time or the energy to go back home. What are you going to do?” “I don’t know.” He sulks… “Would you like some suggestions?” they said. “What? Hmm… ok…” “Well, some kids might decide to sit on the bench and just watch practice. How would that work for you?” “That’s no good. Coach won’t like me sitting doing nothing.” “Well, some kids might take some money and buy a new pair of skates from the skate stop here at the rink. How would that work for you?” “Hmm… well, I do have some money from my birthday that I could use. I’ll do that!” So a new pair of skates was purchased using the boy’s own money. These two parents used their new problem solving skills to perfection. They gave empathy first, handed the problem back to their child and then asked if he wanted suggestions. They only gave suggestions AFTER he agree to listen to some from them. They did NOT nag, remind or berate him for the situation that he had created for himself. The NATURAL consequences of his poor decision of not packing his gear more carefully in the first place was the consequence he needed. A high school boy came home day after day saying how much he didn't like his teacher. He felt that the teacher picked on him and always noticed the things he was doing wrong even though his grade was fine. Moreover, the boy started not wanting to do his work for this teacher he was so frustrated.
Mom, having learned some new techniques, decided to hand the problem back to her son. She knew that in the past she might try to take sides and even talk to the teacher to see what the problem was. Instead, she tried this:
A week later her son came back. He said he did go talk to the teacher during the tutorial period and just chatted about sports. It turned out it was one of the teacher's favorite topics. He was amazed at how after that one conversation the teacher no longer picked on him, didn't notice if he put his head down on his desk during videos or much of anything. He had a smile on his face. He beat the challenge and proved that just by making a connection with someone it could make a huge difference in his life. Yeah! Huge life lesson learned! A mom just used “brain dead” when her little one would not nap. Rocked him and said “I know…I know…I love you…I know..” They both calmed right down and he feel asleep in her arms. It’s important to keep in mind that when are children are fussy and throwing a fit to not take it personally. This mom did an awesome job of keeping herself calm, repeating the same phrase over and over instead of letting the frustration overtake her. Yeah! |
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Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting Podcaster and Educator
Independent Facilitator of Parenting the Love and Logic Way® |
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