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Podcast 20: Calming the Chaos with Boundaries and Limits

10/3/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​​

Our kids are smart.  They really know how to manipulate us into getting what they want – crying, whining, nagging, having tantrums, giving us the silent treatment.  It can be overwhelming.  In my last podcast we were learning how to use choices early to avoid power struggles from the get-go.  In this podcast we’re going to follow along that positive path by using another technique that is a companion to choices – setting boundaries and limits. 
 
Sometimes, without realizing it, we put our kids in the driver seat.  We think they know what they should do, and by golly, they do the opposite.  Take eating dinner for example.  We put them at the table and give them food.  We expect them to sit and eat it.  However, after 2-3 minutes they hop on out of their seats to get a toy to play with.  We, in an effort to make sure they don’t go hungry or become malnourished, run after them with a fork or spoon to try to get them to eat another bite.  Or we put them back in their seat with threats and yelling but it happens all over again.  So frustrating, right? 

Or how about your child playing on electronics?  You tell them they have 30 minutes to play a game and they never get off.  If they do, you’ll find them sneaking some extra time in here or there. 

Why does this happen in our homes?  How do we get it to stop?

Kids Need Rules
It’s been pretty well documented that kids do better in life when there are safe and loving boundaries, but boundaries have problems. 
  1. Boundaries are Undefined
  2. Boundaries are Too Flexible
  3. Boundaries have Too Much Negativity
  4. Boundaries have no Consequences
  5. Too Many Boundaries
 
How to Set Good Boundaries
  1. Define the Boundaries
    Be up front!  If something is important to you then even be willing to write it down and explain it if you need to.  Make a poster.  Make a list of family rules!
    • Electronics are charged in the kitchen
    • We brush teeth twice a day.
    • Backpacks belong in the mud room.

  2. Make it positive!
    I love how Love and Logic calls boundaries “loving limits”.  You want to tell your kids what they CAN do, not what they CAN’T do.  Removing that air of negativity from your home as much as possible is such a breath of fresh air and helps to combat our negative tendencies.
    • I serve snacks to children who have washed their hands.
    • I let kids play computer games who’ve finished the dishes.
    • Kids can play with daddy when he comes home from work who have picked up all their toys.
    • You’re welcome to ride your bike with a bike helmet.
    • I read books to kids who are ready for bed by 8:15
    • I help kids with their math homework who are treating me with respect.
    • I drive kids to soccer practice who have their gear bag packed.
    • I let kids drive a car who are paying for half the insurance.

  3. Have Consequences 
    If you’re using positive statements, then there is usually an implied consequence.  Like kids who don’t do the dishes, not getting to play computer games.   Or kids who aren’t ready for bed by 8:15, won’t get books read to them.  Kids need to know what will happen if they choose to disobey you.

  4. Be Consistent
    This is a tough one for lots of parents.  If you set a rule, it needs to be followed through on.  Saying that you serve dinner from 6 to 6:30 then you only enforce it 70% of the time because one kid has been up and down getting in and out of their seat and hasn’t finished their dinner yet so you’re worried they haven’t had enough to eat, sends the message that the rule isn’t the rule. The kids aren’t even confused, to tell you the truth, they know you’re just kidding when you set a rule, that you have no backbone and your rules don’t need to be obeyed.  If dinner really ends at 6:30pm, you need to end dinner.  If you’re kids aren’t supposed to be riding bikes without helmets then, if they do, you need to lock up the bikes which is such a natural consequence to their choice to ride without one.

  5. Be Reasonable
    I mentioned that it’s great to make a list of Family Rules but be careful not create so many rules that the kids feel they don’t have choices and will start to rebel.  It’s best if you can incorporate ways for our kids to have a feedback loop especially when setting up new rules as your kids grow.  I did a podcast on Family Meetings and that is an amazing place to set and review Family Rules.  It’s podcast #17 if you want to go and review it.

  6. Be Calm and Loving
    When letting our kids know about the limits we have, we need to state them calmly using love and empathy and we need to respond to them in the same way if we get grief from them.  “I don’t want to wash my hands!” or “That’s a stupid idea, Mom!” might be responses to your positive, calm requests.  If that happens, which I’m sure it will, use empathy and love and the classic “I knoooooowwww” in a boring but loving tone.  Kids aren’t going to like every limit we set.  Your remaining calm will bring peace to the whole process.  You can always talk with your child at later time to ask for feedback if you get too much grief but not in the moment when their emotions are activated. 
 
That’s basically it.  Use limits in a loving way and you’ll avoid lots of power struggles with your kids before they start.  Choices will help give them some control over things you don’t care about and adding loving boundaries and limits helps smooth out communication as to what is expected in our homes.  Using words with positive and loving actions seals the deal to helping your family grow in a positive and healthy way.

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Podcast 19: Calming the Chaos with Choices

9/21/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​

Do you feel like you’re always battling your child?   You tell them to do something and you immediately get a “no” followed by whining and complaining or outright defiance?  A simple request that turns into a war is enough to send us over the edge sometimes. 

In this article we’re going to talk about how to avoid power struggles by using a secret weapon -- Choices!


Battle for Control
When our kids are putting up a big fuss, whether it’s about going to bed or getting off electronics, they push our buttons so quickly that our brains go into resistance mode and we allow ourselves to be pulled into a power struggle.  We want the best for our kids and we know how to get it to them efficiently and effectively so they should just do what we say.  Some of us are extra frustrated because when we were kids, we didn’t give our own parents such grief and that thought makes US even more frustrated with this whole situation. 

We’ve talked a lot about helicopter parents in my previous podcasts but now I want to talk about another type: Drill Sergeants. Parents who always want to tell their kids what and how to do things are called “Drill Sergeants”.  Kids of drill sergeants grow up feeling they’re not listened to and their opinions don’t count.  They are ignored. 

Well, for parents who want to raise kids who are followers that might work well.  But who is really trying to do that?  Anyone?  No way, our society tells us we’re supposed to be raising leaders, right?  Now I do want to mention that most of us fluctuate between being a helicopter parent and a drill sergeant depending on the circumstance, our kids’ mood and our mood.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of but it is something to be aware of.  It’s when we switch into our drill sergeant mode that our kids start joining the army to battle anything coming their way.  Yikes!

What’s a parent to do?  Shut down our natural drill sergeant tendencies and bring choices into play.  We should give away control as much as possible especially about things we don’t really care about and as many times a day as we possibly can.  Allowing our kids lots of choices gives them the power over their lives that they are seeking.  It not only will build confidence about their ability to make decisions but also reassure them that they can control some things in life.  It’s soothing to not only their hearts and minds but also to your mind and spirit.  Who wants to go through life feeling like we have to battle our kids at every turn?

One thing to note is that you need to give choices when things are going well, before any power struggle erupts.  How do you do that? 

Offer Playful Choices When Young
When kids are little, I find that parents can have a lot of fun offering playful choices that help to serve as distractions that wind up easily preventing battles.

Here’s a classic drill sergeant parenting move: It’s time to go to bed.  Please go change and get ready.

Often, you get the classic answer: No!  I don’t want to go to bed!

In this case, emotion is already engaged so you’ve got a battle on your hands.  So, what can you do instead BEFORE any resistance happens? 

Try this:
“It’s time to go to bed…” and then offer some of these options:
  • Would you like to walk backwards to your bedroom or hop on one foot?
    Would you like to race daddy or mommy back to the bedroom?
  • Would you like to take a bath first or brush your teeth first?
  • Would you like to brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
  • Would you like to wear your pajamas tonight to bed or put on your clothes for tomorrow so you don’t have to do in the morning?
  • Would you like to go to bed in 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing full well that 15 is your goal)
  • Would you like to read one book or two? (knowing you are prepared to read two!)

Offer Just Two Options
Notice how I’m giving just two choices, not a huge menu.  You want to focus the options to be things that you’re ok with.  Just like the time for going to bed I offered two times that I liked – 5 minutes or 15 minutes.  If an hour isn’t an option, then I don’t offer it. You also don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you’re waiting for a response. 

Decide for Them If They Can’t Decide
Choices, when offered, should be decided within 5-10 seconds.  If it takes longer, you’re being held for ransom, so you need to go ahead and decide for your child.  It’ll sound something like:
“Oh, this is so sad.  It looks like you’re having trouble deciding.  I’m going to give you a bath before books.  I’m sure tomorrow night you’ll be able to choose on our own.”

Now some kids might have a tantrum at the prospect of you choosing for them but you need to brace yourself for that and give them empathy and love but their time to choose has passed.  This might seem crazy at first but after a few rounds of this your child will know that if they really want some control over things in their lives, they’ll have to do it on a timely basis. 

You just keep churning out the choices when things are calm.  One thing is certain, if a kid’s brain is triggered into an emotional battle, choices won’t work.  Their brain is “off” so don’t start trying to load in choices right then.    Sometimes we try to fix things by using choices like a kid having a tantrum over what you’re serving for dinner: “Oh, you don’t like the chicken nuggets for dinner?  How about mac n cheese or spaghetti?”  When your kids are upset, let them be upset.  Give them love and empathy and maybe a few hugs until their emotions have settled down and then, and only then, would you try to solve the problem and might offer some choices to do that.  “Wow, I can tell you were upset earlier about having chicken nuggets.  That’s so sad.  Tomorrow would you like spaghetti or mac n cheese?”  This is all assuming you don’t mind having spaghetti or mac n cheese for dinner. 

Teens and Choices
Those of you who have older kids might say to yourselves that those fun-filled choices of hopping and skipping to bed or the car for are beyond you and you might just be right.  However, your battles can be bigger, can’t they?  Those tweens and teens really want control over their lives.  When kids don’t have control, they can set the whole house into a tailspin of tension and mistrust that can make every day miserable.  To counter that tendency, as kids grow, we need to transition them to making more and more decisions so they are prepared for the real world.  You aren’t protecting them from anything by being over protective and restraining them.

You need to up your game by allowing them more choices that are more advanced.  Here are some examples,
  • Instead of, “go brush your teeth” you give them a choice of brushing their teeth twice a day or paying for extra cleanings.  
  • Instead of dealing with a stinky teen who won’t bathe, let them know they are welcome to shower either before dinner or in the morning, dinner or breakfast will be served accordingly.
  • Instead of doing their laundry for them and demanding they bring you their dirty clothes, let them know they can do their laundry on Saturday when you’re not using the machine or after 5pm during on Mondays.  In that example, notice you’re not only giving choices but you’re helping them with a life lesson in laundry.
  • Instead of hearing them complain about what you’re cooking for dinner, ask them which day they’d like to make dinner, Monday night or Sunday.
  • Would they like take out the trash before dinner or after dinner?
  • Would they like to use their laptop in the kitchen or the dining room?  (notice their bedroom isn’t an option)
  • Would they like help with your to help with math or would they like to have a study group?
  • Would they like to join a soccer team or a baseball team?

Not Everything is a Choice
I do want to let you know that you don’t need to make a choice about everything.   Brushing teeth in most families isn’t a matter of a choice but allowing them to pick electric or hand brushing or which toothpaste or what timer to use to know they’ve brushed long enough can all be options offered as choices.  You get to choose the topics that can have choices. 

In a previous podcast, I talked about a mom who was having trouble getting her kids to wear their helmets when bike riding.  It’s a safety issue that’s non-negotiable.  The only choice I would offer would be do you want to ride with a helmet or not ride a bike?  That’s more like a threat.  I’ll talk in my next podcast about how to use well defined boundaries in situations like that instead of choices so stay tuned for that. 

Resistance to Choices – How to Handle It
Now there are lots of you regular listeners who tell me that choices are amazing, but they don’t always work.  Maybe they work with one child but your other child just likes “no” a little too much.  Here are some tips:

  1. If they won’t choose quickly enough or want to make their own options, hold fast and let them know they can choose next time, but you go ahead and choose for them this time.
  2. If you’re consistent then they know you’ll be true to your word.  Give them empathy if they start giving a major fuss that they don’t like the options given.  Feel free to go brain dead and say “I knooooooow” as a response.   It’s ok for our kids not to like all our choices so we need to make sure we keep our emotions in check in the event our kids don’t like our choices.  Saying something like: “This is so sad.  That’s not one of the choices right now.  I’m happy to let you choose something else at a different time.”  Then you go ahead and pick one of the choices.  Don’t let getting grief from your child throw you off. 
  3. If your child really won’t choose and a major battle still ensues, I’d recommend you go listen to Podcast 10 on Consequences and Punishments.  You’ll get a lot of ideas on how to react in a calm and loving manner. 
  4. Feel free to email me as well or connect with me on Facebook.  I love brainstorming with parents their challenging situations!

Using choices and giving kids lots of practice with making decisions is super healthy.  As kids learn to trust that you value their opinion and hear what they have to say, their self-worth and self-esteem can grow and blossom.  You will see your child empowered and wanting to cooperate instead of going to battle with you.  In the end, you’ll be looking for more ways to give your child choices.
​
Bottomline: use choices, use them often, use them with just a few options that you like.
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Podcast 18: Distance Learning During COVID

8/31/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​
​
I'm not sure what to say about living through history at this moment in time.  I live in California where virtually all schools are doing remote learning.  I know my podcast reaches outside of California so hopefully not everyone has to deal with all the issues I’m going to talk about.  We never expected to be having distanced learning due to a worldwide pandemic.  We certainly have to get through to the other side and we will get through it.  This article is meant to give you some food for thought in setting up your family for success with remote learning.

You all know I love practical parenting so I’m going to start with the physical setup ideas of how to get things running smoothly then move on to things like setting up routines, family rules and how to keep things fun and flexible. 

Let’s dive in!
​
Lots of you have already started your distanced learning this school year so just listen for some ideas to make adjustments if you’ve got some bumpy areas going.
 
1 - Physical LEARNING AREA
  • Organize - I’m sure your school has already recommended you set up a quiet and organized area for your student with a desk and chair, not a bed.  Having bins or shelves with supplies can really help keep things organized so your child doesn’t get frustrated trying to find different items.  If at all possible, you want to make sure the table height and chair height are appropriate for the size of your child.  Kids sitting in adult-sized chairs for long periods of time can be really uncomfortable and distract from learning.  If you’re on a limited budget, ask your school if you can borrow a desk for the duration of online learning. 
 
  • Get rid of distractions – One of the biggest helps for learning at home is to get rid of distractions, meaning toys and stuff, from the work area. 

    One family I work with has the option of having their kids in their bedrooms with a desk and supplies.  To prepare, they spent the week before school clearing out any visible toys from around the study area.  Their son loves Legos so that meant not only Legos off the floor but also off the shelves and out of the room.

    Another family with a 1st grade daughter found that even though she was blessed to have her own room that it wasn’t going to work for them.  It was too hard to pack up all her toys and too far away from mom watching over her.  They got creative and set up a workspace on the dining table using one of those tri-fold poster boards to create her own little cubby area.  They even had her decorate it.  She had all of her supplies nearby but also a buffer from things like anyone else in the house walking by.  If your child is in a public space, you might want to try to build a cardboard barrier like that.

Lastly, you also need minimize other types of distractions like the family pets and siblings who are babies or toddlers who might cause disruptions not only for your student but for the entire online classroom.  Your child’s teacher will often help manage some distractions but please, please discuss not having excess noises like eating, doing dishes, vacuuming, cooking and such going on while your student is learning and trying to concentrate. 


  • Provide quiet and focus – Next we’re going to talk about how to get a quiet environment.  Lots of families are using headphones to block out noises from the home while helping to keep kids focus.  I love the idea.  If you have the flexibility, have your child select the headphones. If they aren’t comfortable, you might try different types or figure out another location in your house that they can be alone and not have to have headphones on. 

    I talked to a mom who felt it odd that she can’t hear what’s going on in her daughter’s classroom since the headphones block out what the teacher is teaching and what other students are saying. She’d really like to listen in, but she had to remind herself that if this was a real classroom, she wouldn’t be able to do that.  We do need to trust our teachers and let our kids know we are here to assist, not to attend school with them. 

If you have an older student, you might run into this other issue with headphones.  One student objected to their very functional headphones because they didn’t look cool enough, so she didn’t want to use them, but it disrupted the whole family when she didn’t since her sister and parents were also all working from home.  What do you do with that?  We should show empathy for that child and allow them to use their own money to purchase any other headphones they deem more appropriate.  You provide the basics is what I’d recommend and allow them the flexibility to use their own money to upgrade if they want to. 


  • Moving around – Now some families are finding that their kids need to have different locations through the day or week to keep things fresh.  It’s really hard for kids to sit in one place for a long time so they are getting out of their chairs and wandering when things get boring or hard.  Maybe they do online in one location but do their required reading on their bed or a comfortable chair.
    • If you have multiple kids who need some variety in location, set up a schedule of who goes where and when.  Maybe one location is the kitchen table and another is more private.  If both kids want the same location feel free to ask them how they’d like to rotate – daily, weekly or maybe even throughout the day.  Let them have input if at all possible.  You know I love Family Meetings and this could be a topic for your family. 
    • If you have other areas of your home, feel free to use them as long as they are set up ahead of time. One family is working to figure out how to rotate to the backyard picnic table while the weather is still nice out for a few hours a day.  It might take some trial and error to figure out how long and what time of day, but it’s worth a try.  You allowing for flexibility in keeping kids engaged in fresh ways to learn is really helpful.

  • Charge devices - Keeping devices charged and ready to go is also super important.  When devices fail families get crazy stressed out with anxiety about missing out on work or being embarrassed that they aren’t online when everyone else is.  Many families are finding that chargers with extension cords or power strips that remain plugged in all day and night works best.  The rule should be:  If your kid is online, they should be plugged in.

  • Check video and audio connections – You also need to make sure video, audio and connectivity is working.  Someone should test all of these out probably 30 minutes before class starts in the morning.  If you have a child in 3rd grade or higher, they should be the one testing everything out.  If there are problems, work with them to train them on what was done to fix the problem.  Some schools have special hotlines set up for students and parents to call for technical assistance.  If you’re fortunate to have that support, have that number or web address printed out on a paper and posted somewhere really obvious so you can call or email without a struggle if you need outside help. With school starting up the this issue is probably the most stressful for just about every family I talked to.  Prepare for problems and know what you’ll do if they happen.

  • Keep online safety in mind – Now I want to talk about online safety.  If you’ve listened to my podcasts on Screen Time Issues, episodes 11 and 12, you know how highly I press home the point to keep all electronics in public places.  Well, for some of you with multiple kids learning at home in addition to adults working from home, you might have to compromise and let kids work in their bedrooms, sometimes even with the door closed.  In this difficult time we need to be flexible, I think it’s fine to revise some of those screen time rules but not to throw them out the window. 

    During the times of the day that online learning is happening, room time screen time is fine.  Once online learning is done, all devices come out of the rooms or get powered down.  If that doesn’t happen and you find your kid on YouTube or Fortnite, make sure you have consequences defined just like you have in the Digital Contract for your home that was talked about in the Screen Time podcasts. 
    I would also recommend letting everyone know that once we return to in-person learning that the family screen time rules will go back to being what they were with no screens in bedrooms.  Mention that every so once in a while so that it’s not a big shock when the rules are imposed again later on. 

    Just to let you know how serious this is, I already heard from one school that they had to deal with a 5th grade boy logging on to porn during class time.  Just imagine what can happen if you left the device in the bedroom day and night with no supervision. 

 
2 - ESTABLISH CLEAR ROUTINES
Now I want to move on to how to keep things running smoothly in your home through all of this by establishing clear routines so everyone knows what to expect, it’s not a jumble every day. 
  • DAILY SCHEDULE -Have a daily schedule not only for academics that most schools are already providing, but also for family routines.  When does everyone wake up?  Eat breakfast? Make it be as much like “real school” as possible.  You won’t have to get “out the door” but being “in your seat” and having guidelines for getting there is really helpful to everyone. Do the same for after school and bedtime routines so that things feel “normal”.

  • POST INFO - You might want to post their routines on a bulletin board or on the kitchen fridge so that they can, or you can, refer to them. 

  • WEEKLY SCHEDULE - In addition, have a weekly schedule to show assignments and assessments plus other fun activities both with school, family and friends.  Have your child make the schedule if at all possible.

  • I found a fun resource on Pinterest that I’ll include in the show notes that has blank daily and weekly schedules and even some useful signs to print out so your kids can let others know if they’re online or taking a test or on away from their computer. 

  • Next, set up regular CHECK-IN times with your child especially if they are in elementary school.  
    • Morning – it could just over breakfast
      • What subjects are today?
      • Any tests/assessments coming up?
      • What resources do you need?
      • What can mom/dad do to help?

    • End of Day – maybe right after online learning ends but could be at dinner or before bedtime
      • How far did you get in your tasks?
      • What did you discover?
      • What did you do great?  (“Glow”)
      • What was hard? (“Grow” opportunities)
      • What could we do to make tomorrow better?

    • Most reports I have from high school students and their parents is that the students are tracking their own schedules, but parents should still lovingly check in to see how things are going.
 
  • YOU NEED TO HELP WITH TIME – Another area to assist with time.  Time is a tricky thing.  If you’re too young to tell time, it can be stressful to know if you’re on time, if you’re older you can get distracted and not even look at a clock.  Using timers and alarms can be a godsend.  Figuring out if you need an alarm for a specific time like 8:30am to get online vs. setting a countdown timer that shows how much of a 90-minute session is left can be really helpful. 

    One family told me their son was so anxious about getting back online after lunch that he was short-changing himself time allocated to lunch.  Setting an alarm really helped him but a countdown timer that starts at noon and counts down for 60 minutes can work too.  Ask your child and experiment with what works for them.  You can get timers from Target or Amazon or download timer and alarm apps from the internet. 

3 – Another thing you want to do is ENCOURAGE INDEPENDENCE
  • There are a few things you can do to help to do that:
  • Let the teacher teach! Don’t assume you have to do the teaching.  Yes, you might answer a question or two, but you don’t need to learn how to teach algebra, that’s what the teacher is for.  
  • Let your child own their work.  The more you can let your child own their education, the better off everyone will be.  Training your child to take charge of their schedule, devices and school work is where we need to head.  Let them make mistakes and you be around to help problem solve.  From what I’ve heard kids who are 4th grade and older are doing pretty well understanding that their school is their school and they don’t need a parent hovering very much at all. 
  • Train them to ask their teacher. Let them ask the teacher for help, don’t step in and ask the teacher for them.  Show them how to ask for help, model it for them.  Model anything and everything they need to be successful.  Don’t do things for them, if at all possible.  If you feel that you need to talk to the teacher make sure your child is around to participate.

4 – SUPPORT FAMILY LEARNING
  • When school isn’t in session, try to look for creative opportunities to include learning in the rest of the day:
    • Cooking - Math/science/reading– measure things, fractions, weigh things, read recipes – make cookies, make dinner, make sourdough bread, just make anything and include your kids
    • Laundry – Math – count socks, matching, sorting like things
    • Gardening – science
    • Vacuuming or sweeping – PE!
    • Just have fun!

  • BOREDOM BUSTERS – It would also be helpful to have ideas ready in the event that things are going sideways with either learning or the environment.  If they can’t connect, make sure they know there are options of other things they can do.  Keep a list of those nearby so they are easy for them to find.  If they can’t read yet, make picture posters of ideas but the point is that you are prepared with things to do.  I’ll put a link to my Pinterest pages with activity ideas. 
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/boredom-busters/
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/kids-fun-indoor-activities/
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/activities-for-teens/
 
5 – LEAD YOUR TEAM THROUGH CHALLENGING TIMES
The last point I want to go over is tying in what some of you heard in Episode 17. I encouraged families to come together as a team to solve challenges, so burdens are shared and solutions celebrated.  We need to do this with distanced learning issues.  When problems arise, you need to lead your family team to solutions!  Here are some topics I’ve run across in my discussions with parents lately are probably affecting quite a few of you:
  • Quiet times – when are they?  When can people run the dishwasher or play music?
  • When can you interrupt mom/dad when they’re working?  Is it any time or a set time of day?
  • How are the interruptions done? Is there a signal?  One family has their kids slide a note under the office door to let dad know they need help.  Another family can see mom through a glass door into her office and stand quietly outside till mom can give them a hint about how long it will be till she can see them.
  • How are emotions handled? If there are problems that are serious, how can everyone keep their wits about them?  What can we put in place if the work gets hard for our kids to let off some steam?  Or if they’re bored?
  • Time with friends- is there a schedule?  A time limit? Can they meet their friends online or do they form a pod with a few other families so they can see each other in person?  What are the rules for meeting in person, how can it be safe?
  • Special time with parents per kid – when can each kid have some special time with mom or with dad?  What schedule can work for your family to make sure you have time to connect?

I want to tell you about a single mom who reached out to me at her wits end.  Her 5th grade son was getting so bored with his online school during the day that he’d constantly get up to get snacks, go to the bathroom, do art or Legos.  He wasn’t paying attention.  It was so frustrating for mom.  Now when we’re upset our brains often go offline and we just can’t even think straight.  After chatting with her for a while, it became obvious that she needed to set up a Family Meeting and go over some of these challenges.  They needed to solve them together.

The two of us brainstormed for a bit so that she’d have some ideas for the meeting.  We talked about if there were other locations rather than just the kitchen table that her son could be at where mom was also trying to work and couldn’t get anything done with her son roaming around.  They are in an apartment so there aren’t many options, but no one was using one of the bedrooms and there was also a balcony available.  Could they work something out so that he rotated to different areas throughout the day?  He also has a really great teacher and we talked about how they could enlist her help in either coming up with more challenging work or different ways to engage her son so that he doesn’t get so bored.  Also, maybe there are some quiet toys he can keep nearby that will keep him in his seat or how about a “no snacks till recess” rule?  It’ll be trial and error for a bit but at least they can be a team to tackle the boredom problem so that mom can get back to work and so can he. 


BE FLEXIBLE AND STAY IN TOUCH
The final and most important thing I want to go over is to do what you know is right for your child.  Some kids will be emotional roller coasters with anxiety.  Please be gentle and be flexible in this challenging time that none of us have ever been through before. Nobody expects parents to replace classroom teachers. And no one expects children to perfectly mimic a classroom situation at home.   Positive intentions, love, consistency, and grace will go a long way towards helping all of us survive this period of isolation and emerge as better people on the other side. Hang in there!

I hope this was helpful.  If you’d like to spend some time brainstorming your challenges with me, I’m happy to assist.  You can either email me at mary@parentingdecoded.com or join my Facebook Group called Parenting Decoded and post your issues there for others to learn from.  It’s a “private” group and if you have any trouble joining it, just email me.
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Podcast 16 - Money Matters: Teen and Tween Edition

8/1/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​

In this blog I’m going to cover issues relating to money with middle and high schoolers.  I will go over how to give money and how much, when to give money, and how to set up responsible money habits including how to use an ATM card, checking account, credit cards. 

Money is a huge challenge for us all and at this stage your high schooler or middle schooler is at a huge crossroads with learning life skills.  Dealing with money is a much-neglected skill during these years yet they are the most crucial years to allow as many affordable mistakes as possible. This makes money a prime target for small mistakes now to avoid big mistakes later. If you know someone who can’t manage money as an adult, I’m going to guess their parents didn’t teach them much about it, might have given in to every whim just to keep them happy when they were young.  Hey, that adult might even be you! 

If you listened to my podcast about money for younger kids, you’ll have already heard how to start a small budget for vacations and special events that I call a trinket budget.  We’re going to expand on that concept greatly by including more of the day-to-day expenses our kids encounter, not just vacations and special events. 

With older kids I want to help you introduce money concepts so that by the time they graduate from high school they know about budgeting, credit cards and debt.  I’m even going to show you a way to tie in getting chores done which is such a bonus.  You want to launch a financially responsible child into the world so that you won’t be paying their bills for the rest of your life. 
 
Let’s get started!

Middle School – start budgeting using what I call the
Setting Limits Method - During this phase you want your child to really understand that there are limits to what they can spend instead of just opening up your wallet and spending YOUR money.  

Didn’t it get you in pre-COVID days when your kid said they wanted to go to a movie with friends and you had to fork over money on the spot not only for the movie but also for the popcorn and a drink?  It was for their happiness, right?  That parent guilt just gets to us when it’s done in the moment.  All practical thought sometimes just goes poof, right out of our heads.  Or, how about your kid going to Starbucks and getting a Frappuccino and a snack because they’re hungry. That can easily be a $15 transaction if you’re not careful.  I had one friend whose child went to Starbucks every day without any care as to the family budget.  Another friend was conned into buying extravagant birthday presents for their kids’ friends just because mom and dad hadn’t set a reasonable spending limit. 

So, here’s what we’re going to do, you will set YOUR limit of what YOU will give them by category. You will also set a money allowance that’s in an unlimited category they can do what they want with.  Have a family meeting or a private meeting with each kid if you have lots of different age kids.  Just do this all up front with thought and planning, no puppy dog eyes as they’re leaving for some event.  Feel free to have your kids help decide on what has limits and how much.  The important thing here is that they start to learn that there are limits and it’s helpful to know what they are up front so no one is surprised.

Here are some ideas for some different types of things that you can talk about but keep in mind that some of these will only apply after we move out of this COVID time that we are now in.  

school supplies
birthday gifts for friends
clothes
Starbucks or other snacks 
activity supplies for sports, music, etc.—like sports shoes or warmups or instruments and reeds or drumsticks and related equipment
activity fees (monthly, quarterly, by season, etc) if they are in sports, clubs or educational activities
school lunch money
movie tickets

You’re going to add up what you think is reasonable for you to pay for and give them that amount per month or when it’s appropriate.  Some things you’ll still have to pay for that you can’t quite define like how many birthday presents are needed per month but you can establish a amount of what you will add to the birthday budget per birthday. 

Here are more specific ideas of what a sample parent could allocate:

One Starbucks drink per week of not more than $5
School supplies of $50 per year
Lunch money for school lunch for 2 lunches per week
One movie ticket per month
Birthday gift budget of $25 per gift
Clothes budget $25 per month

Keep in mind this is for middle schoolers who don’t have a lot of freedom to roam.  Put into this system whatever you can.  Some parents will put in budgets for sports equipment like $75 for new basketball shoes and your kid can add their own money if they want to spend more on Air Jordans.  Maybe they’ll be willing to get last year’s model instead of getting the $100 version?  You won’t care, you’ll just be paying $75. 

For me one of the first limits I set was for school supplies.  For years prior we would head to Office Depot with the school shopping lists in hand.  My boys would convince me that they needed new this and that.  I was such a pushover. I caved just about every time. 

Well, once I learned budgeting, I set a limit of $50 per kid, per year.  I met with them and explained that they could use the money to purchase any supplies they needed but that was a yearly budget.  They could choose to reuse what they already had or buy all new stuff – pencils, binders, paper, markers, erasers.  I let them know it was all up to them.  I loved them and was sure they’d learn to make good choices over time.

However, I also let them know, if they didn’t use all of the $50, they were welcome to use it for anything else.  This incented them to be conservative and reuse much of what they chose not to in previous years.  Yeah!  I want to confess in previous years, I had been spending more than $75 on supplies. This was a total win for me and them. 

I had friend who, after her two daughters constantly overran the data budget for their phone plans, switched them to pay-as-you-go plans and gave them a budget $15 per month.  It was amusing for mom to watch how quickly her daughters used up those $15 and learned to look for Wi-Fi hot spots or wait until they got home to the house Wi-Fi instead of just constantly streaming data to their phones whenever they felt like it. 


Allowance Amount
Now that we’ve talked about a simple budget I want to talk about an allowance.  That’s the unrestricted money we give to our kids that they can spend on whatever they’d like.  How much do you give and when is the question.  As much as you think is appropriate and can afford, could be a dollar per week or $10 per month.  It doesn't matter, but be consistent.  I used monthly.   The amounts can change as your kids get older; I usually gave them a “raise” on their birthdays. 

My calculation was one dollar for each year they were old, per month.  Yep… not much by some kids’ standards but that’s the point.  You want kids to have to stretch and think about where to spend that precious money and how they can maybe save some on of their budget items that can move money into their unrestricted funds area.  Like if they find an older pair of Air Jordans for $50 somewhere, they can pocket the extra $25 to use on something else, maybe snacks at Starbucks that you’re no longer funding? 

You also want to encourage them work to earn extra money by doing extra jobs around the house or put out flyers or a post on NextDoor to offer to help their neighbors with things like dog walking, picking up mail, cleaning up dog poop or watering plants while neighbors are on vacation.  A girlfriend’s son wanted a new, cool skateboard so he worked his buns off to earn the money for it.  That mom also posted a list of what she’d pay for her kids to do her jobs if they wanted to earn money at their house. 

All this was communicated in the open so no one was surprised by any of it.  No whining and begging for “stuff”.  Give them love and empathy if they don’t like it.  “Oh, I know it’s hard to earn money.  I’m so sorry.  Let me know if you’d like some ideas.  I sure love you.”
 
What about Giving?
When kids are young and we give them allowance and we ask them to allocate some to their “share” jar.  We still want to encourage the “share” concept at this age and we can budget this item and put it in a “restricted” category that they aren’t allowed to move into their unrestricted “spend” area.  They need to “share” it with a church or charity.  No exceptions. 

If they get birthday or holiday gifts, help them allocate some of that money into their “share” budget as well as to their savings account.  Keep modeling for your kids your own giving and have discussions about how to help others with their share money.

One last thought before I head into the area of high school budgeting.  There’s a super cool app that you can use for any age kid but it would be great to use for middle schoolers.  It’s called GreenLight. It allows you to set up a debit card that’s controlled and monitored by you and used by your kids like a real debit card with restrictions on what stores and what amounts can be spent at certain places.  It’s $4.95/month per family so it does cost a bit but it might be a good transition tool prior to high school. 

Ages - High School
Speaking of high school… Every parent should jump at the chance to really step up budgeting with high schoolers.  This is a crucial learning ground that will be backed up by affordable mistakes and really set up your kids for independence in college and beyond. Here are the basics:


Step 1 - Set up a checking account in their name with real checks and an ATM card that you can electronically transfer money to and from.  It will probably be an account where one parent is a co-signer, that’s fine. You want your kid to swipe that ATM card to get used to our electronic payment-oriented society.  If they run out of money the ATM card will stop them unlike a credit card.  You can also set them up on Venmo, a popular payment app with students.  Don’t be afraid to let them use it. Have them write checks occasionally too!  Some kids really struggle to establish a decent signature especially since cursive is a dying art in schools these days.


Step 2 - Decide as many things as possible that your kid can pay for with YOUR money, yep, YOUR money like we did in the middle school exercise but WAY more detailed.  Hey, you pay for all these things anyway so let's leverage that money to work for future independence!  We’ll call this the INCOME side of the budget. 
What kind of things could be added to the list:
  • all the items listed in the previous age range
  • private lesson fees – academic tutoring, sports, music, dance, whatever!
  • sports fees - school sports, club teams, travel for sports, etc.
  • lunches/meals - whether at school or outside
  • college applications/testing fees
  • prom tickets and expenses
  • grooming – haircuts, nails, etc.
  • student fees for things like yearbooks or school spirit gear

Step 3 – Next calculate things on the DEDUCTION side of the budget.  Some families will have their teens pay for things like car insurance, the data plan for their phone, gas for using the family car on trips with friends, that sort of stuff.  My kids had a monthly deduction for both their car insurance and data plan.  Sure, I could have afforded it but I wanted them to have some skin in the game.  Where did they get the money for those deductions?  They could earn extra or use savings if they had to.  Didn’t matter to me, not my problem. 

Here’s the kicker.  I talked about incorporating chores into this budgeting process and here’s what you need to do.  Post a price list in your kitchen of what you’re willing to charge for doing your kids chores for them.  Then, if a chore isn’t done at the agreed upon time, no problem!  You just happily do the chore for them and charge them for your services.  I’d advise you to pick charges that really do make you happy, don’t skimp.  Taking the trash bins to the street could incur a $10 charge.  How about picking up that dog poop?  $10?  $20?  Cleaning the dishes?  Making their beds?

When you actually do a chore, I’d recommend posting a note or keeping a log somewhere that a snarky teen can’t rip it up if they’re mad.  When it comes time to do the budget add the DEDUCTIONS for what I call “mommy chore” charges to the other monthly deductions.  If they want earn as much income money as possible, they will learn quickly to keep their mommy chore charges to a minimum or do one of mommy’s chores to even out the deduction before the next pay period. 

Cars for High Schoolers
Just a side note, no one should be buying their high school kids' cars, much less new cars.  If they really need access to a car and you can afford to get one, find an older model car that’s not classy and buy it as a family car.  We had grandpa’s old car for one boy and their aunt’s car for the other.  A Toyota Corolla that’s 8 years old was not what my kids wanted to drive but both got them around until they could afford to buy their own cars. 

Step 4 – Now, back to our budgeting. Step 4, calculate the money needed to cover the income and deductions in Step 2 & 3 and transfer that electronically to your child once a month.  I would have my kids balance their checkbooks by hand before they got their next month's money just so that they could see the money come and go.  They switched to online balance watching after a few years but their first years with an old-fashioned paper checkbook to balance was a good exercise.  Sort of like we all learned long division but always use calculators now, right?

Step 5 - Sit back and watch them use their money.  If they forget to pay their tutor or music teacher... GREAT!  That teacher will help them learn to pay bills on time. If the instructor tries to get the money from you, I’d just redirect them to your kid and explain this is a learning process. 

If they bounce a check... GREAT!   Nothing like learning how much bouncing a check costs.  Whatever you do, don’t get overdraft protection for their account.  One dad did that and was only charging his son $25 instead of the bank’s $35 fee and his son didn’t blink an eye.  We need to get our kids to blink and look the payment monster in the eye.  This is real stuff so make it real.  These are all affordable mistakes that you can give them love and empathy for when they happen. 

Now, on the other hand, if they manage to save extra in areas of their budget that they decide they’d like to use the money elsewhere, great.  Say you give them money for two lunches a week and they decide to make their lunch all days of the week.  Let them pocket the extra to encourage their saving habits.  Remember how in adult-life we have to save for a vacation or a new car?  These balancing activities will help plant those saving seeds in their brains that they’ll use later on when purchases really need to be saved for over a long period of time.   

Ok, you’re ready to launch!  Those are the five steps.  I do have a few more comments on money and teens. 

Encourage Jobs to Earn and Learn!
One area I want to encourage is for all parents to allow and promote the idea that their kids should earn money by having a part-time job while in high school.  I know.  I know.  There are lots of parents in Silicon Valley where I live who feel that doing homework and school is a job for their kids so they refuse to let their kids work outside the home.  However, doing homework doesn’t prepare them for all aspects of the real work and I want you to help them get those extra skills. 

Crummy, low-wage jobs are such an amazing place to learn all sorts of life-lessons that are never, ever taught in schools.  Having to punch a timeclock on a schedule that your boss only tells you one week in advance and one that changes just about every week.  Getting a real paycheck – do you auto-deposit or not.  Dealing with taxes.  Getting tipped or not tipped – they start learning how it feels to not get tipped even though they’ve been doing a great job.  Dealing with co-workers that you didn’t choose – ones that gripe and don’t work hard are tough to work with.   

My one son didn’t have much time between his academics and athletics but he managed to get a weekend only job at a local burger joint.  It was a God-send if you ask me.  He learned about all those things and more.  Dealing with cleaning tables and taking customer orders.  Priceless.  Did you know that when we walk into a place like that, we often ask a 16-year-old what’s good on the menu?  Haha!  So funny!  Kids that age are amazed that anyone would bother to think that they might know the answer.  Precious lessons in building confidence and self-esteem.  Please, please let your child work!
 
College Finance Ideas
Lastly, I just want to make a few comments to those of you who have college kids or will soon.  You need to practice these budgeting things but scale it up even further.  Have your kids pay all their own bills, yep, even tuition and room and board if they are going away.  Agree ahead of time what you are willing to pay for and when you will be transferring money to them. 

In my practice, I see too many parents just opening up their wallets whenever their kids call to say they’re out of money.  I want to encourage you to set the limits up front and use empathy when they run out of money.  If you’ve set up their high school budgeting experience appropriately this will not be hard or a surprise. 

My boys knew in advance that they paid for all their own entertainment and eating out with money they earned from their summer jobs or jobs they got during the school year. 

I think having a limit for food spending is really wise as well.  Freshmen in dorms are usually required to buy a food plan.  If they have a food plan, in my opinion, that means they have food even if it’s not the best.  If they’d like to eat out, fine, it’s on their dime.

A friend could see her son’s bank account draining down and he only had $5 left in it at one point.  What a bummer!  He wound up getting an on-campus job to help even things out.  Another friend just wound up paying for the dorm food that her child wasn’t eating in addition to all the food her child at out.  Crazy, isn’t that?  Picky eaters can have a tough time in college but at that stage it’s their problem that they need to navigate, not mom and dad’s. 

Last topic, credit cards.  It is important for our kids at some point to start building up credit for future purchasing power.  I’d say as they go off to college is the time to research a good card for them and encourage them to start by choosing one type of purchase that they always pay for on their card and then pay off every month.  There are lots of companies who will offer students cards that have really high interest rates that can get kids into trouble.  Avoid those.  Shop around!
 
Learning to deal with money can be an amazing journey and allow our kids to have choices when they manage money well.   You being in their lives communicating and allowing for mistakes in loving ways is what’s going to get your kid into the right place.  They will blow it occasionally, embrace those times with a growth mindset and love them though the process. 

Whatever your child's age, please take the time to work with money.  
 
If you found this information useful, please forward the link on to your friends and family. 
 
Here are a few of my favorite books about kids and money. 

Millionaire Babies or Bankrupt Brats
Parents are Not ATMs

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Podcast 13 - Anger Managment for Parents

6/7/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

Wow. What a week.  Writing this podcast has sure been a journey in tough times.  First, COVID-19 hits in March.  I’ve been blessed to have ventured into podcasting so that there’s a way I can still come into your lives.  Now, in June, with #blacklivesmatter, our nation is being rocked by anger and fear.  It’s overwhelming.  In this episode I’m going to talk about the anger in our own homes that we have that gets directed at our children and some ideas for how we can get it under control. 

I know anger isn’t helpful, caring and thoughtful action is helpful.  Being cool, calm-headed, and working together is what can move us forward as a nation but also as families.  Today I’m going to start in your home and deal with the anger your precious, adorable children bring out in you when they don’t obey, won’t listen, when they argue with you or when they fight with each other.  Your kids manage to push your buttons so easily when you’re tired or in a rush, right?  Some days you’re the epitome of amazing parenting and then the next day you’re on your knees with anger and frustration at your kids and yourself.  It’s exhausting. 
  
ANGER - COMPLICATIONS
I want to talk about how anger and threats create certain complications in our homes that we might not be expecting - an atmosphere of fear and children who become followers or rebels.

1 – Fear
First, when we use anger and threats with our kids, I’m mostly talking about yelling but some parents don’t yell but they certainly still get angry, they just don’t yell. We might grit our teeth and say “Do that right now”.  It’s still intimidating even if it’s not loud. When talking about parenting types the Helicopter is the nagger but the Drill Sergeant is the yeller/teller type.  They tell their kids what to do and expect immediate obedience; if there isn’t, then there are consequences mostly using fear and intimidation.  Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe in consequences but they need to be delivered in a fashion that will be impactful for the long term.  Listen to Podcast #10 for more on that if you haven’t yet.

2 – Followers
But, you do it because anger works!  Certainly, it does.  Intimidation and being more powerful than your child works in your favor especially in the early years when you are physically bigger than they are and they are completely dependent on you.  But, how do you feel when someone yells at you?  Ever had a boss yell at you?  Did it make you feel good?  Did it make you want to be around that person? 

When I was working in hi-tech myself and some of my staff were in a meeting with a top VP who totally blasted one of his direct reports in front of 15 other people.  It made me cringe.  I was shocked and appalled.  If this happened to you, most likely, you felt small and stupid.  It might have made you want to hide.  I know when my dad would yell, we would all want to scram as fast as we could.  He wouldn’t listen to us even if we had a defense.  He shut down our feelings and minds just like that VP did. 

Some of us fall into Drill Sergeant mode when we get angry and frustrated.  This is when we want to yell and tell our kids what to do and we will yell louder and longer if our message isn’t being heard.  When I talk to live audiences about Drill Sergeants, I ask them who wants to raise a child who is a follower.  How about you?  Are you wanting to raise a follower?  Of course not, our society is always telling us to raise leaders.  We need leaders.  We need GOOD leaders.  And here you are, you might be raising a follower without even realizing it. 
As you yell or firmly tell your child what to do and how to do it, you shut down communication and their brains.  They aren’t encouraged to think for themselves, just to obey you.  They will FOLLOW you out of fear.  That’s not what we want.  We want them to THINK with their brains and know how to use their brains to fix things when stuff happens that isn’t right.  We need to communicate with them and allow them to problem solve and brainstorm with us, not go sit in a corner pouting or crying by themselves because we’re mean and yelled at them.  If you want to raise a leader let’s take anger out of the equation for raising your kids. 

NO THINKING
I’ve talked about brain science in a few of my other podcasts #2 probably has the most details.    When we are angry, our brain is in “fight and flight” mode.  This is true for our kids’ brains but also for your own brain.  If we need to guide our families, we need to use the thinking part of our brains, our prefrontal cortex.  I want to talk about ways to keep out of fight-and-flight and what to do if you do get there.
 
ANGER RELIEF
Assuming you recognize that you sometimes lose your temper, here are a few ways you can stem the tide. 
First, acknowledge you’re angry.  When you feel your body start to tense up and you start to go up what my good friend who is an MFT calls “anger mountain”, you need to embrace that feeling as it goes up your spine or face.  Once you can feel that feeling coming on, get some help to diffuse it.  I’m going to give you a few ideas of help you can use in your own home but if you have a major issue with anger, please get professional help or email me and I’ll be happy to connect you with appropriate resources. 

1 – Enlist your spouse or significant other, if you have one

This can work two ways – giving your spouse a signal or your spouse giving you a signal. 
When things are calm, set aside time with your spouse to work out a signally system.  If one of you sees or hears the other getting angry or yelling, use the agreed upon signal to help them recognize they are losing it.  I want to encourage a signal that doesn’t sound like “Hey, quit yelling.  You’re upset, go outside and cool off.”  While that may sound helpful even if it’s in a nice tone of voice, I want to suggest just using a phrase that signals “Hey, honey, I can tell your getting upset.  I’ll take over.  You go calm down.” Without saying all those words.  In my house we tried something verbal for a while like “Gee, honey, I think the cat’s water dish needs new water.”  Or it could be where you physically signal by pulling on your ear or patting your head.  The point your signal will convey the message without further irritating the situation.

I love signals like this.  My husband and I developed one many years ago to help deal with my I getting really nervous when my husband would tailgate, especially at high speed.  Now, he’s a good driver, and it doesn’t happen that often but when he used to do it I would verbally say “Honey, slow down!  You’re not using the 3 second rule.” “Or, it’s not a 1 second rule, it’s a 3 second rule.” And he’d snap back getting irritated with me nagging him again, wanting me to chill out.  Both of us would be angry and annoyed, not understanding each other’s point of view.  Not a win-win situation at all and we didn’t even have kids creating this tension. 

Well, we had a heart-to-heart one day while not in the car when both of our brains were calm.  I explained my point of view and how it really scared me and he explained how it kept sounding like he was a bad driver.  We both agreed to use a signal and no words in the future.  I gently tap him on the knee when I feel uncomfortable, he knows I love him and I’m scared and he has time to react without getting defensive.  It’s been amazing.  I know it’s not a parenting situation but I think you get the drift; communication can lead to real progress in relationships.

You and your spouse need to come up with something like a knee tap.  I really think a “no word” option is better than even the cat water bowl words.  I’d suggest maybe even having a teddy bear or a blue card or a pack of gum that you just hand each other that says all those words without saying anything verbally, an “I got your back” secret signal. 

2 – Enlist your kids

This next idea is to recruit your entire family to help get yelling and anger under control.  Have a way that ANYONE in the family can signal “warning, anger erupting!” without using words.   Some families might use a card – red, blue, one with a bird or a dog on it.  Other families might have teddy bear, doesn’t matter as long as everyone knows and agrees on what the signal means.  The person who receives it needs to have some calm down time.  It’s not a punishment but a loving encouragement. 

In order to enlist your kids in helping get your temper under control, you’d have to have a family meeting to brainstorm how to make it happen.  You have the meeting at a time when everyone is calm, maybe a Sunday afternoon or Friday night before a movie.  Talk about why you need help and how you need love and support to make it happen.  This type of family support can show that everyone needs help in life, even parents, in dealing with emotions.  I’d have an option that mom and dad can also hand the calm down signal to a child so that everyone can have the same love and support to improve emotional skills.  If it doesn’t work at first, have more family meetings until everyone can get on the same page with empathy and love.
 
3 – Use reminders

Some people find reminders a really useful way to help break bad habits.  Anger can certainly be a bad habit so try some to see if it will help you.  One parent I work with has trouble with anger but a lot of that is caused by having a lack of empathy for what her kids are going through.  We brainstormed a bit and she decided to place yellow stickies all around her house with “empathy” on them.  It did work for a while. Another mom just put stickies with an “E” on them around.  Some of you are tech-savvy and might create automatic texts, calendar entries or emails with nudges for you to be more empathetic or ask yourself to rate your anger for the day on a scale of 1 to 10.  Use anything but try something!
 
BAD FEELING RECOVERY

Now that we’ve talked about some ideas on how to try to stop yelling, I want you to think about ideas for what we can do to counteract the feelings incompetence and self-esteem that we often damage in our children when our anger lashes out at them. 

Our kids are fragile and words can break them. Often times, those words spoken by us in anger stay with them for a life time.  When we say “You’re so stupid!” often enough, they start believing it.  When we tell them they are clumsy, they stop taking risks.  When we get angry at them for breaking something or falling or missing a ball at a soccer match, they absorb that anger.  They start internalizing that they really aren’t good enough.  They might try harder in an attempt to win your love but it comes out of fear and hurt. 

Sometimes the hurt becomes so great that they stop trying harder or they withdraw from you.  That’s often what happens when teens start rejecting everything their parents say to them.  The parents have brushed off every possible opinion their child had when they were young so the teen learns that their parent could care less what they think.  They close down and rely on their friends for ideas and exchanges.  Super sad.  Let’s figure out how to be a parent who understands that parents are human and make mistakes and is willing to take time to repair damage before it becomes permanent. 

There is a lot of psychology around how impactful negative comments are.  The research says that it takes 5 positive interactions to negate just one negative one.  Ouch.  That’s a crazy imbalance, isn’t it?  We really need some creative ways to balance those negative interactions out. 

I came across a fun solution last week while on Pinterest.  There’s a therapist who has a website called idealistmom.com.  She has some great resources if you like this podcast and want to learn more.  The thing that she had that caught my eye was what she called the “Five Hair Ties” solution to getting this negative/positive imbalance back in line.  She says to put five hair bands on your wrist in the morning when your kids wake up.  If you have a bad interaction, you lose one hair tie to the other wrist. You then have to spend the day trying to earn it back to the original wrist.  If you have more negatives you’ll lose more ties and have more work to do, so you’re motivated to even the score as soon as possible.  It’s a gentle, physical reminder that there’s more love needed. 

What types of things can you use to recover?  Simple!  Things as easy as a hug (she says a 6 second hug is best), sitting and reading extra, putting a note somewhere they can find it with something nice on it, go outside together, play a game, give them an extra smile, tell a joke, have a dance party in the kitchen,  there are lots of ways!  I’m going to put a link in my podcast notes on how to sign up for a really cool printable chart with 25 of her ideas you can post on your fridge.  It’s super worth clicking on!  I love her SAY-PLAY-DO-SURPRISE quadrants.  You have to sign up for her newsletter to get it but it’s totally worth it and you can always unsubscribe after! 

BRAINSTORMING

I want to talk about one more thing I think can help families a great deal with trying to overcome anger issues, Family Brainstorming sessions.  I mentioned it a bit when suggesting you enlist your children in helping you recognize when you’re getting angry. I really think it’s an amazing tool that should be used all the time.  Setting up open and honest discussions with your whole family about issues that are upsetting family harmony is super healthy for establishing family bonding and love. 

Your children deserve to hear from you when things are calm in your brain as to what gets you upset and then you all work together to understand how to overcome the issues.  If you’re getting upset at everyone for leaving their shoes all over the house and you yell about it every day and no one does anything, having a place to air grievances like this in a kind, calm manner can be helpful and harmonious. 

Your kids should understand why it upsets you and maybe you all decide to create a new shoe area in your house together.  Or maybe shoes stay in the garage or on the porch on a new shoe bench that you all create and paint together.  Showing your kids how problems can be solved with words and creativity is the best lesson you can give them in life.  Anger solves nothing but if anger isn’t addressed it explodes as we can see now.  Address the anger in your life so that your kids can have a good role model for solving issues.
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I hope this has inspired you to think about issues that bring anger into your family.  Be creative.  If hair ties aren’t your thing, try rubber bands, bracelets or coins in your pocket.  Remember your words can wound for a lifetime.  I’d love to challenge anyone to try the hair ties for one week and write to me about it.  I’ll provide a free phone coaching session to anyone who does it, that’s how important I think this is.
 
If you found this information useful, please forward this link on to your friends and family.  It would be helpful to me but what I really want is for us to work together to help the world take steps to control our anger in a positive, healthy way.

Here's the link to the idealistmom.com website article:
https://happyyouhappyfamily.com/angry-mother/

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PODCAST Episode 10: Punishment vs. Consequences

4/13/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN
​
This week during the corona virus shelter-in-place it seems my mom friends really need some guidance in getting their kids to listen and obey them.  They are using good techniques like choices and setting limits but their kids aren’t responding, they are just ignoring parents and doing whatever they please.  Moms are pulling their hair out in complete frustration if they aren’t locking themselves in the bathroom for a good cry.  Well, folks, this is for you!
​
I’m going to first talk about the concept of punishment, what it means and brings about vs. consequences and why they are different and more desirable.  I’ll then go into how to determine if there are natural consequences readily available or if you need to figure out another type of unrelated consequence to use instead.

With that said, let’s  dive in.

Punishment and what it means
First, let’s talk about the concept of punishment.  Typically in parenting we think of a punishment coming as the result of some bad, undesirable behavior – hitting a sibling, stealing food from the pantry, talking back, not cleaning up a mess, using electronics without  permission or staying on them longer than allowed, not wearing a helmet when getting on a bike, breaking a toy, forgetting their backpack or losing something.  The list of possible bad behaviors is endless and constantly expanding, of course!

In response, a parent dishes out a punishment which varies between a time-out, getting sent to your room, washing your mouth out with soap, taking away electronics, putting locks on the pantry doors, a spanking, or for older kids, the classic, being “grounded”. 

In our gut we want all of our kids to respect what we say and to immediately respond.  When this doesn’t happen the inner Drill Sergeant in us shows up on the scene and doles out the punishment for not obeying.  We will be mad and we might even yell.  

“Go to your room!” 
“Give me that iPad!”
“You’re grounded!”

When our kids are younger, say  0-12, we are bigger and louder than they are and their resistance to our yelling and punishment can be less difficult than by the time they are teens and start yelling back in a louder and more powerful ways.  No matter what punishment you give, no matter how loud you give it, it amazes you that the very next day they do the same thing all over again!

This punishment thing just makes the anger and frustration grow in us as well.  The cycle is endless.  The punishment doesn’t seem to get into the hearts and minds of our kids, does it?  How do we make it sink in so they know that we are serious about whatever the rule is that we’re trying to have them embrace.

I want you to put your mind into the child who just got her electronics taken away for a week.  Do you know what they are thinking about all week?  Is it how they shouldn’t be playing electronics in their bedroom because it’s not safe or is it how mean a mom you are?  When you put your child into a 5 minute time-out in the corner for hitting their brother what are they thinking?  That they should have used their words instead of their fists when their sibling took away their toy?  Or that you’re mean and they hate their sibling and it wasn’t their fault.  You’re mean!  We see time and again that although the behavior might be stopped temporarily there is no change in the heart of our kids and they have learned to endure the punishments we dole out.

Consequences and why they are different
What I’d like to propose to you is how to use consequences as a way to help our kids learn in their hearts that some things aren’t worth the hassle and they have choices in life as to what good and bad behaviors they want to do.
 
What are Natural Consequences
Sometimes parents luck out and there are what we call “natural consequences” for a behavior that, if we allow them to sink in without yelling and scolding, are a perfect way to accomplish getting into the hearts of our kids.  Let me tell you an example to illustrate.  One mom saw that her 8-year-old had left a new soccer ball outside in the yard.  This ball was a recent birthday present .  When mom mentioned to her son that their dogs might chew up and ruin the ball her son did nothing.  Yep. Nothing.  He just ignored her.  Sure enough, her son came in the house a few hours later upset that their large dogs had popped his ball.  They had to go to the store to buy a new one.  Here’s what she MIGHT have said:  “Oh my gosh, I told you that would happen!  Why didn’t you get it when I told you earlier!  You never take care of your toys.  This makes me so mad you never pay attention to me!  There’s no way I’m going to the store.” Her son would have probably cried and maybe shut up but what did mom accomplish?  I suggest, not much.
 
Instead, however, what this mom really did was she gave him empathy and love, “Oh that is so sad, that was your new ball. What do you think you’re going to do about it?”  Since she was a Love and Logic mom she started following the Problem Solving technique she had learned in class.  Perfect!  He had no idea what to do.  Would he like some ideas about what some kids might do? Sure, he said.  They talked about a few: Buy a new ball with his birthday money?  Nah.  Go use another ball?  Nah, he didn’t feel like playing ball right now anyway.  Well, good luck with that, she said.  Yep, no scolding. No telling him what to do.  She let him know it was a problem and he needed to solve it. She allowed the problem to be his, not hers so as a result she wasn’t the bad guy in the story like she always used to be.  You know what her son decided to do in the end?  Nothing.  Yep. Nothing.  He really didn’t want that ball anyway, he had plenty of other balls but he decided he was going to be more careful about leaving the other ones outside where the dogs might get them.
 
Natural consequences like this can be really powerful if we let them happen and keep our anger and resentment out of the way.  Powerful life lessons are there for the taking! 
 
If our kids spill milk all over the table, we let them clean it up.  If they are young we might need to help them but we allow them to own the problem.  Our natural reaction is to rush in and clean, clean, clean but we rob our kids of the opportunity of learning when we do that.  Yes, there is milk dripping all over the table and floor. Yes, it’s inconvenient but… this has been happening regularly because your daughter hasn’t been careful, she reaches too far and knocks things over. We lovingly say: “Wow, this is soooo sad.  All that milk has spilled.  Can you please clean that up with the towel over by the sink?”  

The real problem isn’t the spilled milk, it’s your daughter not being aware of her surroundings.  With a natural consequence your daughter learns that every time she is careless there might be a mess to clean up and messes take time and they are often yucky and who wants that.  If you let her clean up with love and empathy in your voice the lesson will make it to her heart.  She won’t be thinking how mean you are for making her clean up and then sending her to her room because she was careless.  Instead, we lovingly thank her for cleaning up and then proceed with our dinner. The natural consequence is enough, no need to make it more.
 
In another instance, a 4 year-old boy when he was mad, he would peed on the floor in his room.  Mom would struggle and fight with him to change his clothes and resentfully clean up the mess.  However, she finally saw the natural consequence to his poor decision to pee in his room.  She decided the choice was his to pee so he could clean it up and change himself.  No struggles needed.  The next time it happened she lovingly gave him some towels and told him he could come out of his room as soon as he cleaned it up and changed.  She left him there.  She was calm.  About 15 minutes later a new boy with a completely different attitude and sense of independence came out of that room where so many battles had previously occurred.  She let him own it.  She wasn’t the bad guy.  She offered love and empathy. 
 
One of my sons got his license when he turned 16.  He was driving one day through a yellow light that was turning red at a popular intersection.  He heard sirens and was being pulled over.  Oh my, his heart was beating so fast.  He didn’t want to talk to a cop!  The police officer gave him a citation for running a red light.  He came home and told me about it right away.  I just took it in calmly, telling myself that I didn’t get a ticket, he did. 

He complained a bit that the light was yellow but he knew it was a pretty weak argument.  This was a perfect natural consequence that had months of ramifications.  Even I learned a few things in the process.  Did you know that running a red light is a moving violation in a different category than a speeding ticket?  And those are really expensive?  And they don’t tell you how expensive until you get a letter in the mail which takes about a month?  My son had a month to wait to figure out the first part of his natural consequence.  It was a $600 fine.  Ouch.  That was going to really drain his savings account, wasn’t it?  It was his ticket, not mine.  I pay for my tickets, my kids pay for theirs. 

Next, traffic school.  He got to learn how to sign up.  Then he had to pay for that too.  Something like another $60.  Then he had to finish the class within 60 days.  That was the tough part for me.  I was biting my tongue trying to not remind him to do anything.  If he didn’t finish on time he’d get another lesson about not finishing things that were important, right?  I know he’d survive whatever it was that they would throw at him.  Luckily, however, he actually wound up finishing on time.  Whew!  

You know what, after all that not only did HE become a safer driver but so did his younger brother who was sitting in the seat next to him at the time.  Haha!  I got a two-fer!  Both boys with one lesson.  Yeah!  No battles. No yelling but lots of love and acceptance that all of us make mistakes and with love we can learn how to get through them.  How many of us know a parent who would have paid the ticket, signed up their kid for traffic school and pay for that too then sit next to their kid to make sure they did the online class, nagging them the whole time? 
 
Use Natural Consequences early and often in the lives of your children.  The love and lessons will do well in building up a long term relationship of trust and respect between you and your child. 
 
What do to when there are no Natural Consequences
Now, for the tough one.  What if there is no natural consequence to a behavior?  Or your child refuses to take responsibility for a behavior?  Or your child just keeps doing the same thing over and over not matter what you throw at them?  This is a major problem and so common in just about every household even if you can keep your calm and use love and empathy which in itself is a challenge. 

Hit your sister
Play longer on electronics than is allowed
Get on a bike without a helmet
Scream at your parents
Download an app that you’re not supposed to have
Get caught vaping
Break curfew
 
All of these behaviors are clearly problems and we can certainly take away privileges but that just doesn’t seem to work. Our kids don’t learn in their hearts anything except we’re mean, we’re trying to control them, that we have stupid rules.  Younger kids who lose their toys or bike for a few days, they complain and whine but they survive it and live to disobey another day.  They might even be thinking subconsciously something like: “That punishment wasn’t so bad and, hey, sometimes mom or dad doesn’t even notice or I’ve worn them down so much they are exhausted battling me so I really only get punished every so once in a while. I can live with that.”
 
Do you know what a teen who gets their phone taken away for two weeks is thinking most about during those two weeks?  Yep, you.  Every day, day after day, what a mean and nasty parent you are, who doesn’t understand them.

One dad took away his teen’s phone after he broke the curfew that was set.  Dad took it away for a week.  His son was a basketball player and it turned out that his coach and teammates always sent texts to each other about practices and such.  Well, his son missed several important practices and meetings.  Do you know who he blamed?  Yep, dad!  Now this whole situation was really tricky because the real issue that started all this was about a curfew but the battle was being fought over the phone. Oh my gosh, what a conundrum! The son was so mad at dad that he didn’t even try to figure out another way with his friends to get notified of his commitments. 
 
So, what do we do?  We have to attack these problems on two fronts. 

​One, we can’t let the problems just pass if we decide that something like riding a bike with a helmet is a MUST then every time your kid gets on a bike without one you need to take the time to recognize it and deal with it.  You start with empathy and love. “Oh my, this is sooooo sad.  In our house we only ride bikes when we have helmets.  Please get off your bike and put it away.  We’ll deal with this later.”  Your child most likely won’t be that thrilled to be getting off their bike and their brain might be emotionally activated.  You need to not engage with them when they’re brain isn’t working right.  That’s where the delaying the consequence comes in.  If your child does have a tantrum please listen to my podcast #6 on Handling Tantrums if you need some help there. The key here is keeping calm.  No yelling and getting dragged into a battle. 
 
Next, once you’ve waited for the emotion to pass you need to meet up with that child to have them help put peace and harmony back into your life.  Your energy was just drained, wasn’t it?  Having to deal with disobedience really gets us and the amount of frustration and the time taken away from us doing other, more productive things with our time is the problem your child needs to solve.  Traditionally, we punish then let our kids off the hook as if their behavior only impacted them.  That’s where we need to tighten up this process.  Their behavior affected many people but for sure us!  For those of you who’ve come to Love and Logic parenting classes, this is called Energy Drain. They have some awesome resources for this which I’ll refer to in the show notes.   I want to tell you a story of a parent who learned this technique and how powerful it can be. 
 
Here’s what the mom wrote me: 
==========================
I picked up my kids from school at 12:30 after our class yesterday. My 9-year-old son was not in a good mood and I knew from experience of every early dismissal day that he was very hungry. He was not in a good mood to be nice to me or his sister. By the time we got home, they got into a fight over the leftover food in the fridge and my son started yelling at his sister and left the kitchen in anger. On his way to his room he bumped into me to show his frustration. I gave it a couple of minutes until he came back and I said to both my kids very softly: oh, you know what......this is such an energy drain for me. Yelling, screaming and disrespectful treatment get so much of my energy that I may not have enough left for helping you with your things or driving you around this afternoon.....unless we find a way to put some positive energy back in mommy.

My son did not take me seriously, but my daughter knew I was. Very quickly, she managed to divide up the leftover food for both of them and called her brother for lunch and went out of her way to make everything right. I thought to myself: One, check...one more to go!

Half an hour later, when my son asked me about his baseball practice time. He realized that I was serious about not taking him. Then, he started crying, guilting me that no mom would do that, etc...I just told him, I know.... A few "I know"s later, he calmed and realized that his tactic was not going to work. He asked how can he possibly fix the energy drain. I said I can give him some ideas. Of course, any of my suggestions were too much for him followed by another guilt trip from him and "I know"s from me.....

Eventually, I left the room to do something and when I came back 15 minutes later, I found him folding laundry. I was about to fall on the floor......I thanked him and told him that was very helpful. He was not happy, but was doing the work. It was funny that he said: "You are making me work for you" and "I thought people are not allowed to have slaves any more". I told him very gently that I wish I had unlimited energy, but the reality is I don't. You being helpful gives me energy to help you later.

It was interesting that our conversation eventually changed direction and he suggested that I go lay down in bed to gain energy faster while he did the laundry.

I was amazed to see that not only did he end up doing the work and but was actually showing concern for me.
 
This mom had only just learned about Energy Drains and she pulled it off to perfection.  She was calm and loving and firm at the same time.  She let her kids know that their decision to have bad behavior caused problems in ways that impacted her and that impact was important to make right.  She used the leverage of her kids’ needing her time later to get them to comply.  For you it might be that you don’t have energy to read books at bedtime or to make dinner.  If we train our kids to look at how they impact others around them, they will be forced to see others and this creates empathy.  Many parents wonder if their kids have empathy for others since they seem so self-centered.  It’s using things like Energy Drain that will grow their hearts and have long term effects on their character. 
 
In order to help parents come up with ideas about what types of chores or services can be used to get our kids to put energy back in us I will put a link in my podcast notes to a list of Energy Drain Ideas on my website.  The list applies to families with kids of all ages, you  just pick the ones that are appropriate for the ages of your children.  A 3-year-old can vacuum and put lotion on your hands to help you out while a teenager might scrub those outside garbage bins or paint a fence.  My teenage son once had to clean the gutters I was so drained.  Whatever you pick it should be something that isn’t their normal job. 
 
I hope you’ve enjoyed learning about how using consequences instead of punishments might make your daily challenges with your kids go a bit easier.  I encourage you to use natural consequences whenever possible but remember that using energy drains when things are going badly are a way of training our kids that what they do impacts others around them in ways they need to make right again.  All this will help you change their hearts for a lifetime. 


THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN
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PODCAST Episode 9: Sibling Rivalry

4/4/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN

​Each week during the corona virus shelter-in-place I’ve been trying to cover topics that might be driving most families crazy.  Recently tantrums and night time battles were my focus but after chatting with a few families this week I changed my plans and decided sibling rivalry is a hot button especially as the weeks of shelter in place go on longer and longer.

I’m going to talk about what good might come from sibling rivalry but then some techniques like not taking sides, separating our kids, teaching them communication skills, and how setting aside Special Time can often make a big difference for a family with sibling issues.

With that said, let’s   dive in.

WHY? Emotion Behind Sibling Rivalry
I’m not sure what I really need to say about sibling rivalry.  It exists.  It’s existed since the beginning of time.  Why wasn’t there a manual given to us before we brought that second child home from the hospital? It’s bound to happen so we should prepare ourselves, right?  As silly as it sounds, no one really is prepared for how challenging sibling rivalry can be. 

We need to recognize that kids want attention, power and control.  If those things are disturbed then often times sibling rivalry can arise more frequently then we’d like.
  
Attention: As we all know, kids crave attention of any sort.  When their cravings aren’t met, they can often look elsewhere to generate more attention, often not good attention.  When a younger child arrives on the scene who is cute, adorable and needy (they need help eating or dressing or diapers changed, etc) the older kids try to be good and helpful but no one notices them. However, if they whack their little brother on the head then someone finally notices them.  Not what we’d like but it certainly draws our attention, doesn’t it?

Power and Control: On the other hand, if younger kids feel powerless and at the mercy of older siblings they try to fight back but explode with frustration over their inability to control what they want to happen.  These kids are learning how to get what they want but they don’t have the right skills yet so they use what they have which is to yell, hit, throw, wreck their siblings work or toys, whatever they can. 

It’s all a bit crazy but how we interact with our kids and their siblings during these developmental years will actually impact them in the future.  There seem to be four  types of sibling behaviors in my mind that I categorize by giving names: wimps, bullies, whiners and negotiators. 

  • Wimps: In an altercation, some kids cave every time, instead of learning how to stand up for themselves they just give in, it’s easier.  It just doesn’t seem fair that the other sibling always gets their way just because this child gives in.  We parents are worried that we have a wimp in development and we really want to change that. 
  • Bullies: This is usually an older, bigger sibling who can rule by their brawn and their brains since they’re more able than younger siblings.   These are the kids who take things away from the wimpier siblings with no regrets.  This can activate feelings of injustice in us parents as we see this child taking advantage of the weaker sibling at every turn.  We wonder if empathy, kindness and fairness are even entering that kid’s head.
  • Whiners: They cry about everything and anything.  Helicopter parents play into this big time by siding with the kid who whines the most or the loudest just based on volume we feel a major injustice MUST have happened.
  • Negotiators: Some kids learn that if they use their words, they can negotiate what they want.  These kids see they aren’t powerless even though they might not win every battle.  Their self-esteem can be enhanced instead of diminished if the right type of support is in their lives to help grow their negotiation skills.
You probably can see your children in one of these sibling types so now let’s get down to the nitty-gritty about what to do when siblings fight regardless of which type of sibling they are.

I have three rules in mind:

Rule #1 - Don’t get involved, don’t take sides, don’t blame
If your kids are fighting, try stay out of it unless there is bodily harm being done.  Let them fight and figure out what’s going to happen. If they come running to you, send them away.  Try really hard not to listen to their sob stories and don’t take sides.  Most of the time there are two sides to every story and parents don’t always get to see and hear both so just focus on it was a choice for them to fight and isn’t draining you to hear them fight.  Keep calm and encourage them to work it out.  Remember that, KEEP CALM and use empathy!  Don’t engage.  No yelling, no telling.   Yelling gets us nowhere. Try something like:

            Oh wow, I can tell this is a problem for the two of you.  I’m sure you can figure something out. This is really draining my energy hearing you fight. 

Rule #2 - Separate, if necessary
Sometimes the solution is that no one wins.  If they can’t figure things out then it’s ok to step in and take whatever it is away from everyone using EMPATHY and LOVE.

            Oh, this is so sad.  It looks like you two can’t work this out and it’s really wearing mommy down.  I’ll go ahead and put the blocks away for now.  You’re welcome to play with two different things but do it in two different locations.  If you can’t figure out what and where then just go head to your rooms for a while.

Rule #3 – Brainstorm to teach communication and negotiation skills when kids are calm
During the heat of the moment really isn’t the time to solve the larger and longer-term issue of sharing and getting along.  Yes, you can take a toy out of the equation but when things really calm down and there’s no active fight-or-flight brain going on you need to sit your kids down and talk about how to improve communication for next time they have issues.  You’re going to do brainstorming to help your kids learn to set expectations and negotiate.  The brainstorming will happen hours or even days later, it wouldn’t be within minutes of an altercation. 

What would brainstorming look like?  Here are some ideas of what to cover:
  • Calming ideas: I’d recommend you ask them to think about ideas of how to stay calm when they notice they are getting upset -- take deep breaths, count to 10, walk away or other meditation techniques.  Write them down.  Put them on a sign.  Practice them every morning or at the dinner table so they know what it feels like.
  • “I Feel” Statements: have them express their feelings to each other using “I feel” statements
    • I feel like Ken always gets to use the truck and I never do
    • I feel mad when Sara wrecks my Lego tower, I’ve taken so long to build
    • I feel mad when Jessie takes crayons and writes all over my artwork I was making
    • I feel sad when Alan took the last cookie and there wasn’t any for me
  • Taking Turns: Often times kids want to use the same toy or device at the same time.  Encourage the concept of “taking turns” and help them establish mechanisms for keeping track.  For example:
    • Both my boys always wanted to press the buttons when we went into an elevator.  It was driving me crazy that they’d rush in and try to be the first to push a button and wind up in a battle or someone crying that they didn’t get to do it.   So we set a sharing rule that one boy was always the “UP” pusher and the other was the “DOWN” pusher.  It was magic! At least with two kids…
    • In your house, you can set up posters or a magnet on the fridge or an app on your phone to help them keep track of whose turn it is next.  I’d prefer it not be electronic but you can decide as a family ways to keep track of “turns”. It might be that your kids fight or fuss over who reads to them at night.  Come up with a way that you rotate on a schedule – odd days for one kid and even days for the other.  If you have more than two then set up a calendar if you have to and have them check off the days as you go to bed each night.  Be creative but show them that they can share best when they communicate that sharing is needed. 

  • It’s OK not to Share: Feel free to encourage your kids set boundaries to protect items they cherish and how to let others know in a kind manner to respect boundaries.   
    • Little sister, these are my Legos and I’m putting them in my special box. Please don’t touch them unless I say so.
    •  Brainstorm with your children about how to put away toys so they aren’t tempting to others who shouldn’t be touching them
    • You also have to define consequences if boundaries aren’t respected.
      • Oh, this is so sad, Jenny, you knocked down brother’s tower so I guess you won’t be able to play near him today.  You can play in your room instead. 

Energy Drain
What I’ve talked about so far is all about the kids but I want to talk about you.  Yes, how draining it is for you as a parent to hear all this fighting and fussing day after day.  One of the most useful tools I think of in dealing with siblings is Love and Logic’s Energy Drain concept.  They have a great audio available on Energy Drain as well as another on Sibling Rivalry that I’ll put links to in the podcast notes.  They explain that when kids are fighting it zaps us and they need to put energy back into us or we don’t have energy to read them books, cook them dinner, drive them to a friend’s house or take them to school.  It’s really amazing how effective it is so please look it up. 

I also have a list of Energy Drain ideas on my website if you need help thinking of a chore or act of service for your kids to do to put energy back in you like washing windows, sweeping the back porch or putting hand lotion on your hands.  I’ll put that link in the notes as well.

This concept can be so heartwarming when you take the time to do it.  One mom has sent me a a video of her kids washing the patio furniture with brushes and soap when they drained mommy’s energy by fighting. 
 
Set up special time regularly
Lastly, I want to talk about what to do when your kids just seem to be at each other day after day and you can’t seem to break out of the pattern.  Lack of attention is often the culprit but it could be that one child is just bored or unsatisfied in some other way with friendships or school and torturing their sibling gives them something to do. 

We need to figure out ways to set up what I call Special Time that I’ve talked about in a few different podcast episodes.  In this case, I’d suggest 10-15 minutes of one-on-one time per kid, per day or at the very least per week, so that each kid has some sort of one-on-one connection with their parents to nourish that feeling of unconditional love and acceptance. During that time you allow your child to decide what they want to do with you.  Let them know there’s a time limit and set a timer. 

One mom I know at my church who was having some trouble, decided to set up Special Time right after school with each of her elementary boys.  They rotate 15 minutes at a time and know that when it’s not their turn they are to play quietly.  They LOVE this Special Time and it’s working wonders for peace, calm and connectedness in their home.

            Another family was having a problem with their 6-year-old son, Ben, being mean and fighting with his little 4-year-old brother, Joe, all the time.  They had a newborn as well so it was a busy household. Ben always seemed to be picking on Joe and always seemed to in a bad mood.  After brainstorming with the parents we decided the issue might be that he was feeling disconnected what with an adorable baby girl and mom and dad being so busy taking care of everything and he needed some Special Time. 

With 3 kids it was hard to set aside time but the couple decided that as soon as dad came home from work he would play chess with his son for 15 minutes or so before dinner.  Two weeks later they reported back to me the amazing difference in their son’s attitude and behavior.  He was a new child!  Wow!  In setting aside this time they dealt a decisive blow to their son’s attitude and sibling rivalry at the same time.  Ben was playing much better with Joe and even on his own. 

 was so proud of the parents doing that extra work and it really hit home for me that I need to encourage Special Time to be set up in every home for so many reasons that feed into our kids need for love and acceptance.  In our hurry-hurry world we sometimes need to slow down, don’t we?  It’s hard to make the time but it can really pay off big time especially when you have misbehaviors cropping up all the time. 
​ 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast.  Taking time to train our kids to communicate with each other is so key to siblings getting along.  Keep in mind the three rules – stay out of it as long as possible, separate them if necessary, and brainstorm ideas when things are calm. 
 
Don’t forget to take care of yourself by using the Love and Logic’s Energy Drain concept.  Please remember that you never have to figure out whose fault a fight is, just that hearing all that yelling is draining you and they need to do some work to put your energy back. 
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PODCAST Episode 8: Night Time Battles - Teen Edition

3/28/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN

Today we’re going to talk about how to handle sleep for our tweens and teens and why sleep seems to be so difficult for them biologically and socially.  I want to give you some ideas about how to react and manage both your expectations and theirs regarding this really essential part of their growing years. With the stresses in our environment today the impact of sleep on our mental health and immune system is super important for us to pay attention to so I hope these ideas will smooth out a few issues in your home. With that said, let’s dive in.

Teens and Tweens
When our kids reach high school but sometimes as early as middle school, we start fighting with them when to go to bed and they just don’t want to.  They’re big now, they have voices and talk back.  They can disrespect us and ignore us.  They think they know better.   We’re often not the most trusted person in their lives even though some of us are lucky to still have close relationships at these ages. 
There are a few complications that we need to be aware of:

Biological Differences
The first is biological.   The teen body clock changes in puberty so that it no longer matches the one that we have as adults or the one they had as littler kids.  Scientists don’t understand why but it’s certainly been proven to exist.  Their circadian rhythm is shifted later by up to TWO hours.  That’s way different and a big stressor to us all because although parents can feel an emotional difference at this stage many of us are clueless that there are also biological issues going against us too.  Right now you might have heard of the push for later high school start times which is where this is coming from.  If their bodies get to sleep later we can assume that they’d need to wake up later so shifting the start time could be really helpful from a biological standpoint. 

Academic Pressures
We’ve heard said that kids in middle and high school need 9-10 hours a sleep a night and many aren’t getting anywhere close to that which stresses us parents out.  Why aren’t they getting enough sleep?

For some who are in high academic environments it can be loads of homework and in addition extracurricular activities being piled on top so that our kids can be competitive when they apply to colleges. The stress of this college push starts earlier and earlier these days, for many by middle school but certainly by freshman year of high school.  Kids putting extra classes or harder classes on their schedules often with huge homework and test requirements.  AP classes are great to see on college apps. Everyone seems to think the more the better?  Right? 

​In my opinion, not right.  I think it’s great to offer challenging classes to students who are interested but to push our kids or to let them push themselves for the sake of a grade bump for AP classes they’re not even interested in just doesn’t make any sense.  If you have a Math kid, AP Calc makes sense but not AP Lit or AP Spanish. If you a literary kid then AP English makes total sense but not AP Physics.  All this extra pressure for areas of non-interest is robbing our kids of sleep as they try to keep up.  Take the pressure off and encourage your kids to focus on things that they’re interested in instead of filling in their college resumes.  Colleges are also finally figuring this out and are looking for kids who have a focus instead of the rob-o kids who do everything well.  They know it’s just not natural.

That said,  I really feel that grades and college performance pressures are robbing our kids of sleep since they have way too much homework and have to stay up all hours to complete it. 

Bed Times for Tweens
I do want to move on to give you some actual ideas about what you can do today concerning bedtimes and sleep.

First, Middle schoolers – I think it’s just fine having bedtimes but  keep in mind their changing biological clocks.  As they were growing through elementary school you should have been pushing back their bedtime each year by about 15 minutes or so.  By the time they’re in middle school a bedtime of 9:30 or 10 isn’t unreasonable in my opinion.  If your child loves at 9pm bedtime, go for it. 

Bed Times for Teens
Next, High schoolers – I firmly believe that high schoolers should be setting their own bedtime.  A bit scary for some of us but we only have four short years at most to love them though the learning process of what it means to manage their sleep.  We need to not helicopter them but let them lovingly fail and encourage them when that happens.  This includes making sure we’re not the ones waking them up, they need their own alarm clock and you give them love and empathy in the morning if they over sleep.  Make sure they know that it’s their job to own when they go to sleep and when they wake up.  

If they wake up grumpy because they were up late you can say something sweet and loving like: “Oh dear… you seem to be really tired.  So sorry.  It is really tough to go through the day when I’m tired.  I bet you’ll figure things out.  If you need some help with some ideas about what some kids might do, you just let me know.  I’m happy to brainstorm with you after school if you want.”   If they grumble back at you, ignore it and go on happily with your day.  Don’t push.  Let them know that you love them and look forward to seeing them later. Try to make it sound real even.    If they really are grumpy then I’d also encourage you to listen to podcast #2 that deals with teens, emotions and how to handle them.

​Another area we need to consider is to make sure electronics are kept in the right places and are not night time/bed time distractions. I’m going to do a separate podcast on electronics but know that my number one rule is for parents to, if at all possible, keep all electronics out of bedrooms and private places.  If your teen already has all their electronics in their room you might have lost this battle  but for some of you it’s possible you might have a window to talk to your teen about how their phone or laptop is robbing them of sleep that they so desperately need. 

If you can, have brainstorming sessions  where you discuss their sleep and how tired they seem to be.  This is a bit tricky since we need to make sure we don’t lecture them but ask open ended questions.  “Gosh, I noticed you had to stay up really late finishing your paper.  It seems tough to plan your work, what classes are most challenging?”  If your high schooler is touchy about all this, I would recommend setting up what I call Special Time and even going to a Special Place like a favorite sit-down restaurant  so you can have their undivided attention.  Sometimes with grumpy teens they behave better and have more conversation with you if you’re in public and they need to be polite. 

One mom invested in some unlimited sushi to get her teen boy to have a serious discussion on this topic.  Your budget might not allow that but be creative… teens around here seem to love Boba.. go for it if you think it will help.  But,  a nice couch in your home can work just as well if you can get them to sit with you.  It should be just one parent, by the way, so your teen doesn’t feel like you’re ganging up on them. 

Wake Up Times
One thing that lots of parents are frustrated with is they see their child staying up late playing games or YouTubing and then they want to sleep until 11, 12 or 1pm on the weekend.  With our COVID-19 situation going on right now it’s getting worse for some families since there is no official “wake up” time or even weekend, it’s all a weekend!  Their kids are turning into night owls.  Ugh.  What a drag.  I think that it’s smart  not battle with our kids about when to go to sleep, however it’s totally appropriate to negotiate with our teens about when to wake up.  If we keep quiet about when to go to sleep they need to commit to getting up by a certain time.  If you’d like them to wake up at 9am and the want to wake up at noon then both of you have to give and come up with something you both think is reasonable. 

When my boys were teens I think we had a 10am or 11am agreement going on for weekends.  It wasn’t formal but it was pretty much our normal.  One family of a sophomore I interviewed agreed that getting up by 10am even with COVID-19 going on was ok.  They aren’t bugging him about when to go to bed and he agreed he’d get up at 10 and wouldn’t be grumpy all day at the family if he’d gone to bed really, really late. It’s working really well for them.  I do agree that not wasting time fighting about when they go to bed is the way to go.  Negotiate mornings with empathy and love.  You can use Love and Logic’s Energy Drain for ideas for consequences if your teens don’t own up to the negotiated agreement.  Take a look at my website or email me for more information on that topic.

I do have to admit that having a good relationship with your child at this stage in their life is more important than their sleep.  If you can talk to your kids and have fun with them and go places with them there will be opportunities to “notice” things like “I noticed you’re tired all the time” or “I noticed you’re really grumpy at everyone when you’ve stayed up late.” If they aren’t put under a microscope and criticized all the time they’re more willing to chat with us.  That’s sort of what the Special Place is in my example above.  If they love sushi or hiking or bowling then do that with them and see if a conversation about sleep can follow but be there, be present and be loving no matter what is happening.  If anyone is yelling or nagging then you’re shutting doors to your teen’s life.  Keep them open!  If we love them through this difficult time and not have battles with them they will eventually own their own sleep.  You giving them love and empathy through all this will let them know they aren’t alone and you will love them through them being tired and even grumpy. 
 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast!  Teens and sleep are a challenge.  Letting them own their sleep is hard for us but essential for helping to raise a responsible adult who has figured out how to manage their schedule and can show up to work on time being respectful of other people and the commitments they make to others.
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PODCAST Episode 7 - Night Time Battles: Toddler to Elementary

3/27/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

I’ve been thinking a lot about sleep lately and how important it is to get a lot of it and good quality with this current crisis going on.  It’s good for our mental health as well as our immune systems.  Well,  I’m an empty-nester and not getting enough sleep so you parents of younger ones might be getting even less than I am so I’m dedicating this to all of you so that maybe a few of these ideas can get you and your family a few more minutes of sleep or at least set a calmer tone in your house at bed time.

This podcast is for parents of toddlers through elementary school,  I have a separate podcast on dealing with issues of sleep and teens so please head there if you have older kids.  In this podcast we’ll go through some ideas for moving toward bed, getting ready for bed, turning out the lights and finally ideas for those of you who have kids who wake up at night. With that said, let’s get started.

Heading toward bed – the transition
For many kids it’s really hard to transition from playful family time to the lonely and boring time of bedtime and night time.  Kids might be hyped up playing and rough housing or they might be involved in a really interesting show or project that will take way longer than our bedtime goals allow.  Transitions are really hard for many kids so we need to make the transitions as painless and battle free as possible.  To do this there are two things we have at our disposal which will prevent many battles before they start – choices and boundaries.  

Most of the time choices are really effective since kids just really want some control over their lives.  We’re so used to bossing them around it makes some of them decide to say “no” no matter how reasonable we are.  If we say “It’s bedtime.” They’re almost programmed to resist.  Offering choices before you hear “no” is SUPER important. You have to use choices early, if you have resistance you’ve lost your battle so make your choices effective and as fun as possible.

So you’re going to use choices like this:
  • Would you like to go to bed at 8 or 8:15? (knowing full well we want them to go to bed at 8:15!)
  • Would you like to set the bedroom timer or me? (I love using timers especially for kids who can’t tell time yet on their own)
  • Would you like to set the bedroom timer for 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing you’re fine with 15 minutes)
If you give choices as to when to head to bed you use them again with HOW to get there.  Try using something like “Wow, it’s time to head to bed!  Would you like to …
…crawl on your tummy to bed or walk backwards?
… or Would you like to go blindfolded or have me carry you upside down? 
… or Would you like to hop on one foot or skip to bed?
Fun is super helpful!  Being creative and offering different choices every night is also super helpful. 

Getting ready for bed – give them choices
Once we get them in the vicinity of their bedroom and the bathroom area to get ready we use   
  • Would you like to brush your teeth first or put your pjs on first?
  • Brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
  • Would you like to take a bubble bath or a lights out bath with a candle?
  • Would you like to dry off with a big towel or lots of little wash cloths?
  • Would you like mint toothpaste or cinnamon toothpaste? 
  • Electric or hand brushing?
  • Pajama top on first or pajama bottom?
  • Would you like to sleep with your school clothes on or your pajamas?
 
The idea is that you constantly throw new choices at them so that they don’t have time to think that one of the choices is “No!”.  Being creative with choices is key!

Set boundaries
Another skill that is super useful at bedtime is setting boundaries so that your kids know ahead of time what to expect and they’re things that you can stick to.  If your kids can have input as to what they are, especially as they get into older grades in elementary school, the more effective these will be.  For any boundary to be effective there has to be a consequence if you don’t get the result you are looking for. 

What am I talking about?  A useful boundary for most families is setting which time kids are ready for bed. Let’s say that a family starts heading to bed at 7:15 and want lights out by 8:15.  They need a bath, teeth brushing, getting pajamas on and reading books in that one hour of time.  I’d suggest setting a boundary like: “I read books to kids who are ready by 8:00. “  It’s a simple statement that tells your kids that as long as they are ready they can have books for 15 minutes.  This also means that you as a parent have to be willing to have a child having a tantrum at 8:05pm who wasn’t ready on time and will not be getting books tonight.  You need to be ready to have this happen and to give love and empathy.  “Wow, this is sooooo sad.  I love reading books.  I’m sad too.  I can’t wait till tomorrow night.”  You can give them hugs but you cannot read to them. You have to hold your ground especially when you know your child’s currency is book time.  You have to realize that your child had a choice and they chose to not have book time,  it wasn’t you. 

But, Mary, you might say, my child can’t tell time yet.  What do I do?  Use timers again!  Lots of timers if you need to.  Cheap ones from Target or Amazon work great.   Have your little one learn how to set them and get them maybe even to try “Beat the Clock” type contests.  Set one timer for 30 minutes, another for 15, another for 5 and the last one for 2.  Put them in different places to make it fun if you want but MAKE SURE they know there’s a limit and that they get to choose if they get books or not, it’s not up to you.  You give LOVE and EMPATHY if they blow it.  Some of you might want to try this on a weekend night if you’ve got to work on weekdays but you need to start and keep pulling it off for a few days for some kids to believe that your word is true, that there are no books if they’re not ready. 

Lights Out
By the time bedtime comes around most of us have our eyes on the goal – some downtime without kids!  Maybe a glass of wine with our spouse or to watch a show that’s not rated G.  We say a prayer: “Please Lord, let them fall asleep quickly so I can have some ME TIME.”  However, many of us find our ME TIME cut short by kids not wanting to fall asleep.  Some of us fall asleep with them (that’s what would happen to my husband and I), some of us sit close by outside the bedroom door feeling chained there until we can peek in and see that our kid is finally, finally asleep then we tip toe away as quietly as possible hoping we don’t wake them up.  Is that you?   What can we do to get them to sleep? 

If you have a child who really, really won’t go to sleep without controlling where you are then during daytime you need to spend Special Time with them to brainstorm what they need at bedtime so that they stay in bed.  Special Time is where one parent schedules some time with just them and the child, no siblings or distractions, just the two of you. 

During this time you think about ideas for what they need at bedtime since your new boundary is that once books are done mom and dad are done too.  You will let them know that they are welcome to have bedroom time for as long as they want but they must be quiet and stay in their room.  You really can’t force your child to sleep on command but you can allow them to be quiet and in their room and allow them to be in control of their environment.  During the Special Time I’d offer more creative choices than I might have offered in the past:
  • Would you like to sleep in your bed or on the floor?
  • Would you like to sleep in your sleeping bag or with a different blanket?
  • Would you like to be buried by a pile of stuffed animals so that I can’t see you?
  • Would you like the light on or off?

The idea is that your child chooses all these things that really don’t matter since what matters to you is that you get your ME TIME and they are quiet and in their room.

If your child won’t stay in their room and you have to constantly put them back or they have tantrums then you need to deal with those then I’d highly recommend that you go and listen to my 5th podcast which tells you what to do with tantrums. 

In brief though, for some kids you might wind up going ahead and cuddling them and falling asleep that night but then the next day you’re going to have them restore all that sleep and free time you lost in dealing with them by doing a few chores around the house.  Yes, even if they are only 3 or 4 you do this.  They need to know that their choice to take away your free time has a cost.  You love them and will help them get to sleep but you need to let them know you need their help to restore that time lost. You do it lovingly and with empathy. 

In the morning you’ll say something like: “Wow, that sure was a late night last night.  I’m so sorry you had trouble getting to sleep and that mommy didn’t have time to finish what I had planned.  It would be great if you helped out today by vacuuming the living room and sweeping the porch.”  I would also take a bit of time to brainstorm again to see what adjustments need to be made when you head to bed again that night.  Checking in with your child and making adjustments is really helpful.  They need to know that problems often take time and many adjustments to solve and that you’ll love them and work with them as long as it takes to solve this one.
 
Difficult Night Time Issues
In working with parents over the years I have offered this advice and for many it works wonders.  The choices and boundaries and knowing your child’s nighttime currency is super helpful.  However, there are a few situations I’d like to offer further advice. 

Kids waking in the middle of the night with siblings in the room that might wake up
One family I worked with has a small house and 3 kids, two who slept in the same room.  Their 4-year-old would wake up every night and scream so dad had to get him to calm down or his son would wake up the whole house and the new baby.  Oh my… definitely a problem.  We decided that getting his child to calm down during the night was really imperative so he’d need to use the Special Time solution to brainstorm ideas about what they could do to remedy the situation.  He would also need to work with his son to give him some jobs to help repair the sleep that dad had lost by getting woken up at night. 

As we mentioned before, this will be with love and empathy, the chores given won’t be a punishment for his behavior that he can’t control yet, just a recognition that he caused distress to someone else and has to help even the waters a bit during awake time. Another dad of a 4-year-old used Special Time to brainstorm with his son what books and stuffed animals he needed at bedtime but he also let his son know that he was too tired to play basketball with him when he’s woken up at night since he’d lost so much sleep.  It took about a week for the two of them to brainstorm enough to figure out their nighttime solution.  It was awesome to hear!  Go dads!
 
Kids wanting to climb into your bed in the middle of the night
Some of you might fall into the category that I did.  My son went to sleep ok but he’d wake up every night and didn’t wake anyone else up but me.  He’d come quietly to my side of the bed and want to climb in and sleep with us.  He was so cute at first so of course I’d let him sleep with us.  Sometimes, once he got back to sleep my husband or I would carry him back to his room but sometimes he was there the rest of the night.  Ugh… I was so tired and not getting good sleep with a little one kicking and turning and taking space I enjoyed in our bed.

  So, what I wound up doing is setting up a little bed next to ours that was just one of those tiny futons and put a crib sheet, a blanket and pillow on it.  My son got to choose what else he’d like on the little bed but it was small and fairly out of the way so I could still get in my bed.  Then, I let him know if he woke up in the middle of the night he was welcome to sleep there and that sleeping with mommy and daddy was not an option.  He was happy with that solution so for about a year from maybe 4 to 5 he slept probably ½ the nights on that little bed. 

​I was talking to another family and they actually have a small teepee set up in their room that they actually let their daughter whose about 6 just go ahead and sleep in all night.  Another family put a sleeping bag outside their master bedroom door for their daughter to sleep in if she awoke at night.  If you don’t mind and have the space, go for it.  It really won’t be happening when they’re teens, believe me.  Bottomline, if your child is waking you and you’re losing sleep feel free to be creative but don’t feel like you have to let them sleep with you.  Sometimes just being near you will be just fine. 
 
Early Morning Wake Ups
The last topic is what to do with kids who wake up earlier than mom or dad.  Actually, I’m going to tackle that topic hopefully in next one of my next podcasts but to give you a hint if you have this issue, use Special Time to brainstorm some ideas with your kid.  If your kids are really little go online and look for one of those kiddie wake-up clocks that go from red to green to signal when they can get out of bed.  More later though but feel free to email me if you need help right now.
 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast!  Getting kids to bed is a lot of work some nights but I hope you can use fun choices and set some good boundaries for getting to bed and getting ready for bed.  I pray for all of you to have a bit more sleep especially when some of us our not sleeping well right now for other reasons.   
 
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PODCAST Episode 4 - Fun with Food: Toddler to Elementary Edition

3/13/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:    ​LISTEN

Today we’re going to talk about ideas that will move meal times from battles to enjoyable dining.  First, I’m going to talk about how to get kids to sit and eat – a huge problem for many families.  Then we’ll talk about getting your kids to eat different types of food – the next most challenging food topic for parents of little ones. This podcast will concentrate on parents with kids from toddler to elementary school age.  I have a special “teen edition” of food issues that I’m putting up as my next podcast so stay tuned for that if you’ve got older kids.  

With that said, let’s dive in and let’s learn some more practical parenting wisdom relating to food. 

First, how to get kids to sit and eat.  For some of you, the dinner table is a jumping box – kids getting up and down at will having no particular interest in eating, they’d rather be playing.  You might start your meal together but within minutes your kids are out of their seats.  You’re either yelling at them to come back to the table or running after them with food.  For others of you, to get peace at your dinner table you set your kids up on some sort of electronic device.  Your table is quiet and kids stay seated but your kids eat so slowly you wind up feeding them by hand.  If you try to remove the electronics, your kids have meltdowns.  Oh my… no fun at all!

I love to pose the question as to why we parents do this to ourselves?  Is it nutrition?  Are we worried about weight issues?  Or is it a balanced diet?  You know your kids likes carbs but they just aren’t interested in those vegetables, right?  Or maybe it’s different?  Love veggies but not protein.  We want them to be healthy and we feel food is so important that we will put up with just about any behavior for them to be fed nutritious meals, right?  It’s exhausting!

Family Mealtime Rules

So, we need to make a plan.  To change this dynamic we have to set what I call Family Mealtime Rules.  We need to put boundaries and expectations in place so that our whole family knows what to expect.  Here’s the list of four essential rules to getting your family mealtimes into line:
  1. We eat at the table
  2. We don’t have electronics, toys, or books while we eat
  3. If a kid can lift a fork on their own, they need to feed themselves
  4. When someone gets up from the table, they are done eating
 
Pretty ambitious, right?  Putting loving boundaries around acceptable behaviors at the table is essential.  You might have heard that kids need limits and when they don’t have them, they think the sky is the limit.  If your mealtimes are out of control it might be because the limits haven’t been set by you and possibly, they’ve been set instead by your kids which is a recipe for disaster. 
 
How long should dinner time or breakfast take in your home – 20 minutes?  30?  10?  I want you to pick a time and shoot for it.   In our example here I’m going to say about 20 minutes since it’s pretty normal. 
Now let’s go through each one of those four rules and see how you can implement them in a loving and consistent manner.

  1. Eat at the table
    1. Pretty simple, just like it says, not on the couch in front of a TV
  2. No electronics or books or private toys
    1. You need to realize this is just for 20 minutes and that you and your kids can make it together for that time without private distractions.  Yes, that means no electronics for mom or dad either.  Some parents have kids who want to bring cars or trucks or dolls to the table, no thank you for those either!
    2. If you’d like a distraction then offer a family game to play like Yahtzee, Candy Lane, any group game you can all play together.  “Together” is the operative word here.  In my family I set up something called a “Conversation Jar” – it was a bin that had slips of paper kids could draw from with questions them; things like “What was one thing you learned today?” or “What’s your favorite movie?” or “Tell us a joke.”  There are even decks of cards you can buy with conversation type questions on them if you don’t want to make up your own.
    3. The main point here is that personal distractions aren’t allowed but group distractions are.  My goal would be not to need the group distractions for a 20 minute meal but, if you need them, use them!
  3. Kids feeding themselves
    1. This is a hard one for lots of parents especially of small kids since we worry they aren’t getting enough nutrition or we see them struggle to eat with a fork or spoon which can be messy and slow.  Once your child hits about two there shouldn’t be anyone approaching them with a forkful of food except themselves.  If you’re that parent who is running after a kid with a fork, you have to stop.
  4. Getting up from the table means they’re done
    1. This is the most important rule! 
    2. Here’s what you need to do.  First, make sure your kids know this new rule in a loving manner, no lectures needed, just a simple statement:  “We serve dinner to children who stay at the table.”  That’s it.  Then wait.
    3. As soon as your child gets up you LOVINGLY take away their plate saying something like: “Oh, I guess you are all done.  No problem. Have fun playing.”  Keep in mind that they might actually be done eating, they might have had enough and won’t be back. 
    4. However, if they do run back to the table and want their food back you say: “Oh, this is soooo sad.  You know our new rule is that if you get up it means you’re done.  So sorry.  I know you’ll have a really nice breakfast to look forward to in the morning.”  If there’s begging and crying you just have to put up with it, don’t give in.  This is part of the lesson they are learning, it’s a natural consequence and it will be very effective, you just have to trust me. 
    5. Now, some others of you have kids that will just run off playing.  There’s no need to remind, lecture or to yell after them: “Hey, I’m taking your dinner away! You’re gonna be hungry!” You need to let them decide what and how much to eat, not keep them at the dinner table forcing them to eat everything on their plate.  If your pediatrician isn’t worried about their weight, you shouldn’t be either. I’d like you to consider that as your kids get older, they actually put the food on their plates that they want to eat.  You need to let them own their food intake.
    6. Many kids will come back to you in an hour saying they’re hungry.  I’d encourage you to be calm and empathetic and say something like: “This is sooo sad.  I get hungry when I don’t eat enough for dinner too.  Breakfast sure will be yummy.”  But I know that’s really hard for parents of young ones so I’d offer a compromise to you, have something in your house that your kids kinda like, is really healthy and they can get for themselves.  I love to use carrots as an example.  When they say they are hungry you can say: “This is soooo sad.  Dinner is all done. You’re welcome to have carrots. ”  Whatever you choose for your family don’t make it very attractive, just tolerable. 
    7. One final complication to a 20-minute mealtime is that you might be offering too many snacks to your kids too close to mealtime.  Try to set snack times that end at least 90 minutes ahead of a meal so that your kids are hungry when mealtime comes.
Once you start this and you’re consistent with all these new boundaries your children will know what is expected and that there is love involved around food, not yelling, telling and chasing.  The first few days might be rough for one or more of your kids but you HAVE to keep it up.  If you cave, they’ll know you don’t have any plan.  Your child won’t starve, they really won’t!  If they miss a meal, their little bodies will make up for it over the days ahead.  One pediatrician I was reviewing comments from says that you should really look at a child’s nutritional intake over a week’s span, not a day.  Their bodies have a way of knowing what they need.

All these new rules will allow you to have a completely different food experience in your house.  It should be not only healthier but also happier. 

Food Choices

Ok, now what we’re done with setting up rules at our mealtimes we’re going to move on to topic number two – food choices.   The classic “My child is so picky.”  Or, “My child won’t eat vegetables.” is such a challenge.  What ideas do I have for you in dealing with these? I have four ideas:
  1. Food is a source of power for kids, you need to take away their power over you.  The more we push certain foods on them, the more they rebel which causes us to compromise and run after them with a fork or let them use electronics at dinner.   You need to let them know you trust them to take care of their food needs. 
  2. Second, don’t be anxious about food which is highly related to #1.  Kids will settle down and grow over time.  Your children need to know you love them and they are secure.  Let their bodies drive what they eat and your job is to keep healthy food in their lives as much as possible.  If your pediatrician thinks they are doing ok then don’t worry.
  3. Third, offer at least something on your kid’s plate that you know they’ll eat.  In my house one son like broccoli and the other green beans so we ate a lot of those.  I would have liked more variety but at least they were vegetables.  My sons eventually moved on to Caesar Salad so we ate a lot of that.  Today as adults they eat lots of things, I just had to wait and know that their palates will most likely grow.  That said, we all know adults who are still picky eaters and, hey, they’re living and breathing and it’s all just fine. 
  4. Lastly, I think it’s super fun to take our kids grocery shopping with the intention of going on a food treasure hunt.  Have them pick out a few things that look interesting to THEM and incorporate them into your meals. The deal will be that each person needs to take at least one bite of the new foods and they are even welcome to spit it out if they don’t like it.  The idea is to have them try, not to force them, to eat new things so please make it a fun experience and not a torturous one. 

I have had some families come to me with a few other situations around food.  One involved a girl in about 4th grade who was just always eating.  She was eating good foods but her mom was concerned about her weight and whether she was just eating out of boredom. After brainstorming a bit, we decided that in her house she needed to set up a more appropriate guideline for when the family eats.  Kids were welcome to have a snack after school but then the next time to eat was dinner.  If her daughter said she was hungry later mom used love and empathy and set a new limit: “Oh that’s too bad.  I’m so glad that dinner will be in a half hour.”  This worked!  Yep!  That simple.  Mom just hadn’t set any boundaries around food so the pantry being open 24/7 was the default policy.  It was hurting her daughter and now her daughter adjusted her behavior and things are working really well.  If you have a similar problem you can always add: “There’s carrots in the fridge!”

Another issue a family had with all of these suggestions required a bit more brainstorming.  They lived in a small house and had a 4-year-old who wouldn’t eat his dinner but would wake up in the middle of the night hungry, not at a convenient time like before bedtime.  Ugh.  That was a major drag especially since they had a new baby and a 6-year-old. If there was a middle-of-the-night problem where the 4-year-old was hungry they couldn’t let him have a tantrum and wake everyone up.  In this case, we decided feeding the child food was fine, however, the next day when things were calm the parents needed to make sure there was a loving consequence for waking up a parent due to them not finishing their dinner and being hungry in the middle-of-the-night.  The consequence might be something like cleaning up toys or vacuuming the living room.  The point being that the parent lost sleep and didn’t have the extra energy to do those jobs so the child needs to do it for the parent.  In the Parenting the Love and Logic Way® class that I facilitate this is called an Energy Drain, see link below.

I hope you’ve got some new ideas to try to help get mealtimes under control in your house.  You have the four Family Mealtime Rules to implement in addition to the ideas about how to give good food choices.  I want you to try and to not give up.  Setting reasonable boundaries around food is super, super important.

Link to Love and Logic® technique on ENERGY DRAIN:  HERE


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Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting Podcaster and Educator
Independent Facilitator of Parenting
​the Love and Logic Way®​

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