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PODCAST Episode 11: Screen Time Issues Part 1

4/28/2020

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

As most parents have noticed screens are a constant source of friction in our households that just never seems to end.

This podcast is the first of two parts; Part 1 targeting younger families and how to deal with what I call “family screens.” I go over ways we can set up screens in our family in such a way that there are limits with obedience, and if there’s not, how to set up effective consequences. Although the target audience for Part I is parents with toddlers to middle schoolers there are really fundamental things for all families to set up so it’s best to listen to this before moving on to Part 2 even if you have older kids. On the flip side, even if you have younger kids I recommend you listen to Part 2 when it comes out so you can prepare for what’s ahead. This issue is super, super difficult, constantly changing, hard to understand and it’s so important for us parents to be on top of this and stay current.

As I mentioned, Part 1 is going to deal with what I call “family screens”. These are the electronics in your house that are family owned – iPads, laptops, tablets, TVs, gaming systems and such that are shared among the family members. This is usually the stage from toddler until late elementary to middle school when kids start getting their own phones and laptops. In this podcast I’m going to cover 8 rules for what I think it takes to set up good screen time then in Part 2 I’ll cover my final 5 rules dealing with older kids when individual cell-phones, laptops and other electronics come in to play.

With that said, let’s dive in!

RULE 1: Keep Electronics Out of Bedrooms
This is essential. If there’s nothing else you do as a result of listening to this podcast, please do this one. It’s the most impactful both short term and long term. You also want to keep them out of other private places like bathrooms and offices. This includes laptops, cell phones, TVs and e-books. Just set this rule up when they are very young and get it into the family routine and you’ll save yourself huge headaches when Part 2 comes into your lives. Why such a rule? Not only do you protect your kids from inadvertent or explicit surfing to dangerous websites and trolling but you’re also making sure that when they are older that they don’t shut you out of their lives. These devices are so powerful and entertaining that as they hit middle and especially high school your kids can easily close you out of their lives. Their friends can be with them 24/7 and they won’t need you at all! I’ve watched lots of families lose important emotional connections with their children when devices allow them to hibernate in their bedrooms.

RULE 2: Keep Electronics in Public Places
Well, if you’ve got Rule 1 down then get a freebee pretty much with this one! Just keep things in the open.

If your child has to do homework and they normally do it in their room I would set the limit using Rule 2 that they’re welcome to do their homework in their room but if it involves a computer then it needs to be done elsewhere in a public area. Wow! Really, Mary? Yep! Elsewhere. When my boys were in middle and high school I dedicated my dining room table to homework. Yes, it was messy but we had an agreement that when guests came to dinner they would clear off the table into the two plastic laundry tubs that I kept hidden in the front closet. It worked perfectly! I got to see them and do things like feed them snacks and say hi to their friends when they came over to study. I didn’t hover but I was around. If you have room in your house on the kitchen table, dining table or family room area, consider making one of those places available for kids to use computers safely. Now that my boys are out of college I have a neat dining room every day and I miss them like crazy. It was a short-term, 6 to eight year investment in having a messy area in my house all the time but totally worth it!

I also highly recommend that all devices are charged in public places. Many families put a charging station in their kitchen or family room.

RULE 3: Set Time Limits and Stick to Them
The American Academy of Pediatrics says that for kids 2-5 years they should have only 1 hour a day of screens which includes TV time. However, for kids 6 and over they say that having consistent limits on time and type are the most important things to set up. In other words, a family with the limit of 1 hour a day and 2 on the weekends is fine but so is another family with a limit of 30 minutes of TV during the week with 2 hours of computer on the weekend. As you can see, these all have limits and defining them is what will help you the most. Our kids really thrive on structure and every time they can’t tell what the structure of a situation is they see it as an opportunity to set their own limits which, when it comes to screens, they want to be unlimited. Not good at all! But, what about special circumstances like COVID-19 that are going on now? From all that I’ve read on the professional boards and articles from people who know way more than I do, we can relax the limits in extenuating times but as you relax them and rely on them a bit more to provide much needed mental health for yourselves and your kids remember to still have limits. If you need 3 hours a day of break using computer time to do it, fine, just don’t let it be 8-10 hours a day whenever your kids are driving you crazy.

We are going to talk about time limits for teens more in Part 2 but for now take in the idea that screen time is a privilege and kids don’t get it all the time just because they want it.

RULE 4: Define Consequences
Here is where things go off the rails for lots of families. How many of us set say a 30 minute limit per day and our kids just ignore us or battle us for more time, EVERY day? It wears us out and sets us up every day to be the bad guy, doesn’t it? What I’d recommend is having a family meeting to not only talk about what reasonable limits you want to set for daily and weekend use on which devices but also the consequences for exceeding the limits. Let the kids if they are over the age of 4 have some say in defining the consequences, ownership in defining what happens really helps with compliance. This allows everyone in the house to have a voice in setting both the privilege and what happens when that privilege is abused.

For instance, one family set a rule of 30 minutes a day and the child who is using a device sets a timer. When it goes off they are done. If they fuss or fight or, heaven forbid, are found to have not started the timer the family had all agreed that the offending child would miss electronics for a day and have to do one work job to pay the family back since it drains the family energy when that happens. This worked so-so but the child was young and at their next family meeting they decided as a family to buy a second timer that was to be used as a 5 minute warning timer. That tweaking of the process and having the family work together to help improve the process showed that the kids had some input but the parents could still establish the most important part that screen time is limited and there was a real consequence if the rules were broken.

RULE 5: Use Parental Control Software
There are many ways parents can use software and hardware to assist us in the never ending battle for control of screen time. Rule 5 has to do with us as parents being aware that there are controls available and we have to take the time to learn which ones make sense for our family and implement them.
Both Android and Apple iOS operating systems (meaning anyone with an iPhone) have been updated in recent years to include a whole bunch of cool parental control and family control options. Even the different apps that are currently in use like Snapchat, Instragram, TikTok and many others have parental controls. But, how the heck do we know which ones we need and how to set them up? It can be overwhelming and I want to provide you with a couple of helpful hints.

1 - You need to know what devices you want to control and how

Is it only iphones and ipads? Or do you have Android devices too? Are the built in parental controls for time limits and accessing the internet enough?
Got any computers? Are they all Apple or are they Windows or a mixture? If you have a mix the choices are different than if you have just Windows or just Apple products. You might also have Google in the mix which Google Family Link might be a good choice to consider.
With multiple computers and tablets in your house products like Disney Circle, Net Nanny, WebWatcher, Zift, Bark and Family Protector might make sense.
One thing you really need is web filters to prevent unwanted surfing. Does what you use have that available?
Do you want to track which apps kids are using and how often?
Do you want to control app downloads?
Would it be helpful to limit the maturity ratings of websites or apps?

2 - What sort of access do you want to control?

Internet only or cell phone data access? I like to point out how most of us send our kids to school feeling that the school is doing an awesome job of filtering web content and preventing exposure to porn sites and such. This is true. They do filter for that on their internal networks and wireless access points. However, any time a kid with a cell phone arrives with a data plan on campus they have unlimited access to the world wide web if they just don’t connect to the school WiFi. Oh my, I thought walking on campus meant my kids were safe. Well, obviously that was pretty naïve of me. Your kid might not have a cell phone in 3rdr grade but some other kid you don’t know does. However, if your kid is, say, 6 years old and has no access to devices except at home on home WiFi and at school on their school owned and operated computers then you might be just fine. My point is, you need to consciously be aware of what your kids have access to at any point along this journey. It will be a lot more than you think is my word of caution.
Online watching like Netflix and Disney+? There are ways to limit these but, have you done it? Do you know how?
Use Bark-O-Matic. This is where I recommend something that I just learned about a few months ago. There’s a company called Bark that has screen time management software for parents which I like but what I really love is their free program called Bark-O-Matic. You can do a google search on it or look in my show notes. What it does is a Q&A session where you give it all sorts of info on what computers, cell phones, tablets, internet and TV services you use, apps your kids are using, and you give them your email. They send you a full report item by item of how to set up parental controls for each type of interface. It’s amazing! Instructions all in one place for say someone like me who has Comcast internet on my Verizon based iPhone using Netflix, Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok and Disney+. Yes, you’re giving them an email address but you can always opt out of their marketing programs. These instructions are a gold mine if you ask me. LINK to: Bark-o-Matic

My parting words about Rule 5 is to make sure you use parental controls when your kids are young. It helps your whole family get into the right habits and allows for conversations about why controls are needed.

That said, I want to let you all know that by middle school and maybe as early as 4th or 5th grade many of your kids are going to learn from other kids how to circumvent parent controls in some way or another so be prepared to get a kick in the pants when your kid does something like setting back the clock on their iPad so they can have a new 30 minute limit or they scam off of you typing your password on your phone to figure out how they can download extra apps onto their phones. It’ll happen but hopefully you won’t be surprised when it does.

RULE 6: Allocate Family Time

I know this is about screen time but if a family prioritizes time with each other in non-screen ways it can build a base of family community that you’ll be able to live on always. Have regular family movie nights or drives to the beach. Make puzzles together or do volunteering at a local shelter. Play board games, go putt-putt golfing, play card games, go hiking, bake cookies. I know during COVID it’s hard to do some of those things and I am so sorry about that. I can’t tell you enough how having enjoyable family time that everyone looks forward to can really help with screen time issues. You need to have times where there is love and enjoyment together and it’s your job to set that up. You also need to set aside what I call “Special Time” where each parent spends some time individually with each child. It needs to be something the child enjoys. It could be as simple as building Legos or racing Hot Wheels or more challenging like building a tree house. It’s the happy times you create when they are younger that will bond you so you can get through some tough patches you might have when they are older.

RULE 7: Encourage Downtime

In our rush-rush society our kids are constantly entertained and pushed from one activity to another. It seems like they don’t even get a chance to breathe and when they do they get bored quickly and naturally gravitate toward screens since they are designed to entertain. For parents we fall into the trap of letting them be entertained with screens since it helps us out, we get some quiet time to get what we need to do done, right? Well, that is right but I’d like to propose that we use empathy and love to allow our children to deal with boredom and encourage them to use creative options to be entertained. They can read, do art, play basketball, recruit a sibling to play a game, whatever. When they throw the “I’m soooo bored.” Card down you just say things like “I knowwww…” and “Wow, that’s tough. What are you going to do about it? Would you like some ideas?” They will want to wear you down but don’t let them. Just keep saying “I knowww…” and “I’m sure you’ll figure something out” don’t forget to add “All this whining about not having screen time is really draining my energy. Why don’t you go sweep the front porch?”

RULE 8: Model It!

The last rule we’re covering in this podcast is probably the hardest for parents. It’s where we’re asked to model good digital habits. What?! You want ME to keep my electronics in public places? You want me to charge my phone in the kitchen? Yep. I do at least to the extent possible. In my house I modeled that I don’t have my phone next to my bed. It is in the bathroom so that I can hear a call in the middle of the night but not there for me to fall asleep watching YouTube videos and reading texts. I encourage all of you to put your cell phones away at dinner time. Yes, mom or dad might have important business calls but the 20 minutes it takes to have dinner should be prioritized. Sitting in front of the TV to eat dinner instead of being together at a table just isn’t good modeling and doesn’t allow for much family discussion. Yes, you might watch a favorite show together but save it for after dinner. If you have no other ideas start off your dinners with what each member was grateful for that day. That should hopefully last 5 minutes, right?

I hope you’ve enjoyed learning how to set up some structure around screen time and electronics in your household. Having limits and using parental controls when kids are young is really key but following through with consequences will make it real. You might want to listen to my previous podcast on consequences if you need more ideas. Bottomline, you have to stay on top of this stuff or it will be on top of you before too long. In Part 2 of Screen Time Issues I will talk how to deal with screens when personal cell phones and laptops come into play.

That’s all for now. I would love it if you’re listening if you can forward this podcast on to a friend or two. There just isn’t enough practical help for parents in dealing with screens. I hope you think you’ve gained some good ideas that are worth passing on.

Here's a link to Bark-O-Matic mentioned in the podcast:
BARK-O-MATIC

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PODCAST Episode 10: Punishment vs. Consequences

4/13/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:    LISTEN

This week during the corona virus shelter-in-place it seems my mom friends really need some guidance in getting their kids to listen and obey them. They are using good techniques like choices and setting limits but their kids aren’t responding, they are just ignoring parents and doing whatever they please. Moms are pulling their hair out in complete frustration if they aren’t locking themselves in the bathroom for a good cry. Well, folks, this is for you!

I’m going to first talk about the concept of punishment, what it means and brings about vs. consequences and why they are different and more desirable. I’ll then go into how to determine if there are natural consequences readily available or if you need to figure out another type of unrelated consequence to use instead.

With that said, let’s dive in.

Punishment and what it means
First, let’s talk about the concept of punishment. Typically in parenting we think of a punishment coming as the result of some bad, undesirable behavior – hitting a sibling, stealing food from the pantry, talking back, not cleaning up a mess, using electronics without permission or staying on them longer than allowed, not wearing a helmet when getting on a bike, breaking a toy, forgetting their backpack or losing something. The list of possible bad behaviors is endless and constantly expanding, of course!

In response, a parent dishes out a punishment which varies between a time-out, getting sent to your room, washing your mouth out with soap, taking away electronics, putting locks on the pantry doors, a spanking, or for older kids, the classic, being “grounded”.

In our gut we want all of our kids to respect what we say and to immediately respond. When this doesn’t happen the inner Drill Sergeant in us shows up on the scene and doles out the punishment for not obeying. We will be mad and we might even yell.

“Go to your room!”
“Give me that iPad!”
“You’re grounded!”

When our kids are younger, say 0-12, we are bigger and louder than they are and their resistance to our yelling and punishment can be less difficult than by the time they are teens and start yelling back in a louder and more powerful ways. No matter what punishment you give, no matter how loud you give it, it amazes you that the very next day they do the same thing all over again!

This punishment thing just makes the anger and frustration grow in us as well. The cycle is endless. The punishment doesn’t seem to get into the hearts and minds of our kids, does it? How do we make it sink in so they know that we are serious about whatever the rule is that we’re trying to have them embrace.

I want you to put your mind into the child who just got her electronics taken away for a week. Do you know what they are thinking about all week? Is it how they shouldn’t be playing electronics in their bedroom because it’s not safe or is it how mean a mom you are? When you put your child into a 5 minute time-out in the corner for hitting their brother what are they thinking? That they should have used their words instead of their fists when their sibling took away their toy? Or that you’re mean and they hate their sibling and it wasn’t their fault. You’re mean! We see time and again that although the behavior might be stopped temporarily there is no change in the heart of our kids and they have learned to endure the punishments we dole out.

Consequences and why they are different
What I’d like to propose to you is how to use consequences as a way to help our kids learn in their hearts that some things aren’t worth the hassle and they have choices in life as to what good and bad behaviors they want to do.

What are Natural Consequences
Sometimes parents luck out and there are what we call “natural consequences” for a behavior that, if we allow them to sink in without yelling and scolding, are a perfect way to accomplish getting into the hearts of our kids. Let me tell you an example to illustrate. One mom saw that her 8-year-old had left a new soccer ball outside in the yard. This ball was a recent birthday present . When mom mentioned to her son that their dogs might chew up and ruin the ball her son did nothing. Yep. Nothing. He just ignored her. Sure enough, her son came in the house a few hours later upset that their large dogs had popped his ball. They had to go to the store to buy a new one. Here’s what she MIGHT have said: “Oh my gosh, I told you that would happen! Why didn’t you get it when I told you earlier! You never take care of your toys. This makes me so mad you never pay attention to me! There’s no way I’m going to the store.” Her son would have probably cried and maybe shut up but what did mom accomplish? I suggest, not much.

Instead, however, what this mom really did was she gave him empathy and love, “Oh that is so sad, that was your new ball. What do you think you’re going to do about it?” Since she was a Love and Logic mom she started following the Problem Solving technique she had learned in class. Perfect! He had no idea what to do. Would he like some ideas about what some kids might do? Sure, he said. They talked about a few: Buy a new ball with his birthday money? Nah. Go use another ball? Nah, he didn’t feel like playing ball right now anyway. Well, good luck with that, she said. Yep, no scolding. No telling him what to do. She let him know it was a problem and he needed to solve it. She allowed the problem to be his, not hers so as a result she wasn’t the bad guy in the story like she always used to be. You know what her son decided to do in the end? Nothing. Yep. Nothing. He really didn’t want that ball anyway, he had plenty of other balls but he decided he was going to be more careful about leaving the other ones outside where the dogs might get them.

Natural consequences like this can be really powerful if we let them happen and keep our anger and resentment out of the way. Powerful life lessons are there for the taking!

If our kids spill milk all over the table, we let them clean it up. If they are young we might need to help them but we allow them to own the problem. Our natural reaction is to rush in and clean, clean, clean but we rob our kids of the opportunity of learning when we do that. Yes, there is milk dripping all over the table and floor. Yes, it’s inconvenient but… this has been happening regularly because your daughter hasn’t been careful, she reaches too far and knocks things over. We lovingly say: “Wow, this is soooo sad. All that milk has spilled. Can you please clean that up with the towel over by the sink?”

The real problem isn’t the spilled milk, it’s your daughter not being aware of her surroundings. With a natural consequence your daughter learns that every time she is careless there might be a mess to clean up and messes take time and they are often yucky and who wants that. If you let her clean up with love and empathy in your voice the lesson will make it to her heart. She won’t be thinking how mean you are for making her clean up and then sending her to her room because she was careless. Instead, we lovingly thank her for cleaning up and then proceed with our dinner. The natural consequence is enough, no need to make it more.

In another instance, a 4 year-old boy when he was mad, he would peed on the floor in his room. Mom would struggle and fight with him to change his clothes and resentfully clean up the mess. However, she finally saw the natural consequence to his poor decision to pee in his room. She decided the choice was his to pee so he could clean it up and change himself. No struggles needed. The next time it happened she lovingly gave him some towels and told him he could come out of his room as soon as he cleaned it up and changed. She left him there. She was calm. About 15 minutes later a new boy with a completely different attitude and sense of independence came out of that room where so many battles had previously occurred. She let him own it. She wasn’t the bad guy. She offered love and empathy.

One of my sons got his license when he turned 16. He was driving one day through a yellow light that was turning red at a popular intersection. He heard sirens and was being pulled over. Oh my, his heart was beating so fast. He didn’t want to talk to a cop! The police officer gave him a citation for running a red light. He came home and told me about it right away. I just took it in calmly, telling myself that I didn’t get a ticket, he did.

He complained a bit that the light was yellow but he knew it was a pretty weak argument. This was a perfect natural consequence that had months of ramifications. Even I learned a few things in the process. Did you know that running a red light is a moving violation in a different category than a speeding ticket? And those are really expensive? And they don’t tell you how expensive until you get a letter in the mail which takes about a month? My son had a month to wait to figure out the first part of his natural consequence. It was a $600 fine. Ouch. That was going to really drain his savings account, wasn’t it? It was his ticket, not mine. I pay for my tickets, my kids pay for theirs.

Next, traffic school. He got to learn how to sign up. Then he had to pay for that too. Something like another $60. Then he had to finish the class within 60 days. That was the tough part for me. I was biting my tongue trying to not remind him to do anything. If he didn’t finish on time he’d get another lesson about not finishing things that were important, right? I know he’d survive whatever it was that they would throw at him. Luckily, however, he actually wound up finishing on time. Whew!

You know what, after all that not only did HE become a safer driver but so did his younger brother who was sitting in the seat next to him at the time. Haha! I got a two-fer! Both boys with one lesson. Yeah! No battles. No yelling but lots of love and acceptance that all of us make mistakes and with love we can learn how to get through them. How many of us know a parent who would have paid the ticket, signed up their kid for traffic school and pay for that too then sit next to their kid to make sure they did the online class, nagging them the whole time?

Use Natural Consequences early and often in the lives of your children. The love and lessons will do well in building up a long term relationship of trust and respect between you and your child.

What do to when there are no Natural Consequences
Now, for the tough one. What if there is no natural consequence to a behavior? Or your child refuses to take responsibility for a behavior? Or your child just keeps doing the same thing over and over not matter what you throw at them? This is a major problem and so common in just about every household even if you can keep your calm and use love and empathy which in itself is a challenge.

Hit your sister
Play longer on electronics than is allowed
Get on a bike without a helmet
Scream at your parents
Download an app that you’re not supposed to have
Get caught vaping
Break curfew

All of these behaviors are clearly problems and we can certainly take away privileges but that just doesn’t seem to work. Our kids don’t learn in their hearts anything except we’re mean, we’re trying to control them, that we have stupid rules. Younger kids who lose their toys or bike for a few days, they complain and whine but they survive it and live to disobey another day. They might even be thinking subconsciously something like: “That punishment wasn’t so bad and, hey, sometimes mom or dad doesn’t even notice or I’ve worn them down so much they are exhausted battling me so I really only get punished every so once in a while. I can live with that.”

Do you know what a teen who gets their phone taken away for two weeks is thinking most about during those two weeks? Yep, you. Every day, day after day, what a mean and nasty parent you are, who doesn’t understand them.

One dad took away his teen’s phone after he broke the curfew that was set. Dad took it away for a week. His son was a basketball player and it turned out that his coach and teammates always sent texts to each other about practices and such. Well, his son missed several important practices and meetings. Do you know who he blamed? Yep, dad! Now this whole situation was really tricky because the real issue that started all this was about a curfew but the battle was being fought over the phone. Oh my gosh, what a conundrum! The son was so mad at dad that he didn’t even try to figure out another way with his friends to get notified of his commitments.

So, what do we do? We have to attack these problems on two fronts.

One, we can’t let the problems just pass if we decide that something like riding a bike with a helmet is a MUST then every time your kid gets on a bike without one you need to take the time to recognize it and deal with it. You start with empathy and love. “Oh my, this is sooooo sad. In our house we only ride bikes when we have helmets. Please get off your bike and put it away. We’ll deal with this later.” Your child most likely won’t be that thrilled to be getting off their bike and their brain might be emotionally activated. You need to not engage with them when they’re brain isn’t working right. That’s where the delaying the consequence comes in. If your child does have a tantrum please listen to my podcast #6 on Handling Tantrums if you need some help there. The key here is keeping calm. No yelling and getting dragged into a battle.

Next, once you’ve waited for the emotion to pass you need to meet up with that child to have them help put peace and harmony back into your life. Your energy was just drained, wasn’t it? Having to deal with disobedience really gets us and the amount of frustration and the time taken away from us doing other, more productive things with our time is the problem your child needs to solve. Traditionally, we punish then let our kids off the hook as if their behavior only impacted them. That’s where we need to tighten up this process. Their behavior affected many people but for sure us! For those of you who’ve come to Love and Logic parenting classes, this is called Energy Drain. They have some awesome resources for this which I’ll refer to in the show notes.   I want to tell you a story of a parent who learned this technique and how powerful it can be.

Here’s what the mom wrote me:
==========================
I picked up my kids from school at 12:30 after our class yesterday. My 9-year-old son was not in a good mood and I knew from experience of every early dismissal day that he was very hungry. He was not in a good mood to be nice to me or his sister. By the time we got home, they got into a fight over the leftover food in the fridge and my son started yelling at his sister and left the kitchen in anger. On his way to his room he bumped into me to show his frustration. I gave it a couple of minutes until he came back and I said to both my kids very softly: oh, you know what......this is such an energy drain for me. Yelling, screaming and disrespectful treatment get so much of my energy that I may not have enough left for helping you with your things or driving you around this afternoon.....unless we find a way to put some positive energy back in mommy.

My son did not take me seriously, but my daughter knew I was. Very quickly, she managed to divide up the leftover food for both of them and called her brother for lunch and went out of her way to make everything right. I thought to myself: One, check...one more to go!

Half an hour later, when my son asked me about his baseball practice time. He realized that I was serious about not taking him. Then, he started crying, guilting me that no mom would do that, etc...I just told him, I know.... A few "I know"s later, he calmed and realized that his tactic was not going to work. He asked how can he possibly fix the energy drain. I said I can give him some ideas. Of course, any of my suggestions were too much for him followed by another guilt trip from him and "I know"s from me.....

Eventually, I left the room to do something and when I came back 15 minutes later, I found him folding laundry. I was about to fall on the floor......I thanked him and told him that was very helpful. He was not happy, but was doing the work. It was funny that he said: "You are making me work for you" and "I thought people are not allowed to have slaves any more". I told him very gently that I wish I had unlimited energy, but the reality is I don't. You being helpful gives me energy to help you later.

It was interesting that our conversation eventually changed direction and he suggested that I go lay down in bed to gain energy faster while he did the laundry.

I was amazed to see that not only did he end up doing the work and but was actually showing concern for me.

This mom had only just learned about Energy Drains and she pulled it off to perfection. She was calm and loving and firm at the same time. She let her kids know that their decision to have bad behavior caused problems in ways that impacted her and that impact was important to make right. She used the leverage of her kids’ needing her time later to get them to comply. For you it might be that you don’t have energy to read books at bedtime or to make dinner. If we train our kids to look at how they impact others around them, they will be forced to see others and this creates empathy. Many parents wonder if their kids have empathy for others since they seem so self-centered. It’s using things like Energy Drain that will grow their hearts and have long term effects on their character.

In order to help parents come up with ideas about what types of chores or services can be used to get our kids to put energy back in us I will put a link in my podcast notes to a list of Energy Drain Ideas on my website. The list applies to families with kids of all ages, you just pick the ones that are appropriate for the ages of your children. A 3-year-old can vacuum and put lotion on your hands to help you out while a teenager might scrub those outside garbage bins or paint a fence. My teenage son once had to clean the gutters I was so drained. Whatever you pick it should be something that isn’t their normal job.

I hope you’ve enjoyed learning about how using consequences instead of punishments might make your daily challenges with your kids go a bit easier. I encourage you to use natural consequences whenever possible but remember that using energy drains when things are going badly are a way of training our kids that what they do impacts others around them in ways they need to make right again. All this will help you change their hearts for a lifetime.

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:    LISTEN

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PODCAST Episode 9: Sibling Rivalry

4/4/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:    LISTEN

Each week during the corona virus shelter-in-place I’ve been trying to cover topics that might be driving most families crazy. Recently tantrums and night time battles were my focus but after chatting with a few families this week I changed my plans and decided sibling rivalry is a hot button especially as the weeks of shelter in place go on longer and longer.

I’m going to talk about what good might come from sibling rivalry but then some techniques like not taking sides, separating our kids, teaching them communication skills, and how setting aside Special Time can often make a big difference for a family with sibling issues.

With that said, let’s   dive in.

WHY? Emotion Behind Sibling Rivalry
I’m not sure what I really need to say about sibling rivalry. It exists. It’s existed since the beginning of time. Why wasn’t there a manual given to us before we brought that second child home from the hospital? It’s bound to happen so we should prepare ourselves, right? As silly as it sounds, no one really is prepared for how challenging sibling rivalry can be.

We need to recognize that kids want attention, power and control. If those things are disturbed then often times sibling rivalry can arise more frequently then we’d like.

Attention: As we all know, kids crave attention of any sort. When their cravings aren’t met, they can often look elsewhere to generate more attention, often not good attention. When a younger child arrives on the scene who is cute, adorable and needy (they need help eating or dressing or diapers changed, etc) the older kids try to be good and helpful but no one notices them. However, if they whack their little brother on the head then someone finally notices them. Not what we’d like but it certainly draws our attention, doesn’t it?

Power and Control: On the other hand, if younger kids feel powerless and at the mercy of older siblings they try to fight back but explode with frustration over their inability to control what they want to happen. These kids are learning how to get what they want but they don’t have the right skills yet so they use what they have which is to yell, hit, throw, wreck their siblings work or toys, whatever they can.

It’s all a bit crazy but how we interact with our kids and their siblings during these developmental years will actually impact them in the future. There seem to be four types of sibling behaviors in my mind that I categorize by giving names: wimps, bullies, whiners and negotiators.

Wimps: In an altercation, some kids cave every time, instead of learning how to stand up for themselves they just give in, it’s easier. It just doesn’t seem fair that the other sibling always gets their way just because this child gives in. We parents are worried that we have a wimp in development and we really want to change that.
Bullies: This is usually an older, bigger sibling who can rule by their brawn and their brains since they’re more able than younger siblings. These are the kids who take things away from the wimpier siblings with no regrets. This can activate feelings of injustice in us parents as we see this child taking advantage of the weaker sibling at every turn. We wonder if empathy, kindness and fairness are even entering that kid’s head.
Whiners: They cry about everything and anything. Helicopter parents play into this big time by siding with the kid who whines the most or the loudest just based on volume we feel a major injustice MUST have happened.
Negotiators: Some kids learn that if they use their words, they can negotiate what they want. These kids see they aren’t powerless even though they might not win every battle. Their self-esteem can be enhanced instead of diminished if the right type of support is in their lives to help grow their negotiation skills.

You probably can see your children in one of these sibling types so now let’s get down to the nitty-gritty about what to do when siblings fight regardless of which type of sibling they are.

I have three rules in mind:

Rule #1 - Don’t get involved, don’t take sides, don’t blame
If your kids are fighting, try stay out of it unless there is bodily harm being done. Let them fight and figure out what’s going to happen. If they come running to you, send them away. Try really hard not to listen to their sob stories and don’t take sides. Most of the time there are two sides to every story and parents don’t always get to see and hear both so just focus on it was a choice for them to fight and isn’t draining you to hear them fight. Keep calm and encourage them to work it out. Remember that, KEEP CALM and use empathy! Don’t engage. No yelling, no telling.   Yelling gets us nowhere. Try something like:

            Oh wow, I can tell this is a problem for the two of you. I’m sure you can figure something out. This is really draining my energy hearing you fight.

Rule #2 - Separate, if necessary
Sometimes the solution is that no one wins. If they can’t figure things out then it’s ok to step in and take whatever it is away from everyone using EMPATHY and LOVE.

            Oh, this is so sad. It looks like you two can’t work this out and it’s really wearing mommy down. I’ll go ahead and put the blocks away for now. You’re welcome to play with two different things but do it in two different locations. If you can’t figure out what and where then just go head to your rooms for a while.

Rule #3 – Brainstorm to teach communication and negotiation skills when kids are calm
During the heat of the moment really isn’t the time to solve the larger and longer-term issue of sharing and getting along. Yes, you can take a toy out of the equation but when things really calm down and there’s no active fight-or-flight brain going on you need to sit your kids down and talk about how to improve communication for next time they have issues. You’re going to do brainstorming to help your kids learn to set expectations and negotiate. The brainstorming will happen hours or even days later, it wouldn’t be within minutes of an altercation.

What would brainstorming look like? Here are some ideas of what to cover:

Calming ideas: I’d recommend you ask them to think about ideas of how to stay calm when they notice they are getting upset -- take deep breaths, count to 10, walk away or other meditation techniques. Write them down. Put them on a sign. Practice them every morning or at the dinner table so they know what it feels like.
“I Feel” Statements: have them express their feelings to each other using “I feel” statements
- I feel like Ken always gets to use the truck and I never do
- I feel mad when Sara wrecks my Lego tower, I’ve taken so long to build
- I feel mad when Jessie takes crayons and writes all over my artwork I was making
- I feel sad when Alan took the last cookie and there wasn’t any for me
Taking Turns: Often times kids want to use the same toy or device at the same time. Encourage the concept of “taking turns” and help them establish mechanisms for keeping track. For example:
- Both my boys always wanted to press the buttons when we went into an elevator. It was driving me crazy that they’d rush in and try to be the first to push a button and wind up in a battle or someone crying that they didn’t get to do it. So we set a sharing rule that one boy was always the “UP” pusher and the other was the “DOWN” pusher. It was magic! At least with two kids…
- In your house, you can set up posters or a magnet on the fridge or an app on your phone to help them keep track of whose turn it is next. I’d prefer it not be electronic but you can decide as a family ways to keep track of “turns”. It might be that your kids fight or fuss over who reads to them at night. Come up with a way that you rotate on a schedule – odd days for one kid and even days for the other. If you have more than two then set up a calendar if you have to and have them check off the days as you go to bed each night. Be creative but show them that they can share best when they communicate that sharing is needed.
It’s OK not to Share: Feel free to encourage your kids set boundaries to protect items they cherish and how to let others know in a kind manner to respect boundaries.
- Little sister, these are my Legos and I’m putting them in my special box. Please don’t touch them unless I say so.
- Brainstorm with your children about how to put away toys so they aren’t tempting to others who shouldn’t be touching them
- You also have to define consequences if boundaries aren’t respected.
  - Oh, this is so sad, Jenny, you knocked down brother’s tower so I guess you won’t be able to play near him today. You can play in your room instead.

Energy Drain
What I’ve talked about so far is all about the kids but I want to talk about you. Yes, how draining it is for you as a parent to hear all this fighting and fussing day after day. One of the most useful tools I think of in dealing with siblings is Love and Logic’s Energy Drain concept. They have a great audio available on Energy Drain as well as another on Sibling Rivalry that I’ll put links to in the podcast notes. They explain that when kids are fighting it zaps us and they need to put energy back into us or we don’t have energy to read them books, cook them dinner, drive them to a friend’s house or take them to school. It’s really amazing how effective it is so please look it up.

I also have a list of Energy Drain ideas on my website if you need help thinking of a chore or act of service for your kids to do to put energy back in you like washing windows, sweeping the back porch or putting hand lotion on your hands. I’ll put that link in the notes as well.

This concept can be so heartwarming when you take the time to do it. One mom has sent me a a video of her kids washing the patio furniture with brushes and soap when they drained mommy’s energy by fighting.

Set up special time regularly
Lastly, I want to talk about what to do when your kids just seem to be at each other day after day and you can’t seem to break out of the pattern. Lack of attention is often the culprit but it could be that one child is just bored or unsatisfied in some other way with friendships or school and torturing their sibling gives them something to do.

We need to figure out ways to set up what I call Special Time that I’ve talked about in a few different podcast episodes. In this case, I’d suggest 10-15 minutes of one-on-one time per kid, per day or at the very least per week, so that each kid has some sort of one-on-one connection with their parents to nourish that feeling of unconditional love and acceptance. During that time you allow your child to decide what they want to do with you. Let them know there’s a time limit and set a timer.

One mom I know at my church who was having some trouble, decided to set up Special Time right after school with each of her elementary boys. They rotate 15 minutes at a time and know that when it’s not their turn they are to play quietly. They LOVE this Special Time and it’s working wonders for peace, calm and connectedness in their home.

Another family was having a problem with their 6-year-old son, Ben, being mean and fighting with his little 4-year-old brother, Joe, all the time. They had a newborn as well so it was a busy household. Ben always seemed to be picking on Joe and always seemed to in a bad mood. After brainstorming with the parents we decided the issue might be that he was feeling disconnected what with an adorable baby girl and mom and dad being so busy taking care of everything and he needed some Special Time.

With 3 kids it was hard to set aside time but the couple decided that as soon as dad came home from work he would play chess with his son for 15 minutes or so before dinner. Two weeks later they reported back to me the amazing difference in their son’s attitude and behavior. He was a new child! Wow! In setting aside this time they dealt a decisive blow to their son’s attitude and sibling rivalry at the same time. Ben was playing much better with Joe and even on his own.

was so proud of the parents doing that extra work and it really hit home for me that I need to encourage Special Time to be set up in every home for so many reasons that feed into our kids need for love and acceptance. In our hurry-hurry world we sometimes need to slow down, don’t we? It’s hard to make the time but it can really pay off big time especially when you have misbehaviors cropping up all the time.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast. Taking time to train our kids to communicate with each other is so key to siblings getting along. Keep in mind the three rules – stay out of it as long as possible, separate them if necessary, and brainstorm ideas when things are calm.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself by using the Love and Logic’s Energy Drain concept. Please remember that you never have to figure out whose fault a fight is, just that hearing all that yelling is draining you and they need to do some work to put your energy back.

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