PODCAST LINK HERE

What do you when your child disrespects you?  You know, when they roll their eyes or huff something under their breath?  Does it get right under your skin?  Make you just want to jump down your kid’s throat and make them take it back?  They don’t appreciate anything you do so you might as well take away their electronics or send them to bed early to make them pay for such disrespect, right?  You’re just not going to put up with such behavior! 
 
Does that sound like you?  Ugh… it’s a tough place for a parent to be in.  Hopefully this podcast will help.
 
I want to dive into disrespect with you.  What it is and how to get it under control with the hopes of getting into our child’s heart to make a difference in the long run. 
 
The truth is, disrespectful behavior is one of the inappropriate ways kids, especially teenagers but not limited to teens, try to solve their problems. Kids can feel powerless in the face of rules and expectations and talking back and showing disrespect is one way they try to take some power back. If they can drag you into an argument, that’s even better: Now you’re arguing about respect instead of focusing on their curfew or their homework or cleaning up their toys!

As parents, we definitely need to teach our children how to treat others with kindness, and how to communicate big feelings without being disrespectful.

Unfortunately, we cannot teach them to be respectful in the heat of the moment.
If you ask your kids about why they’re being disrespectful, they usually say that it’s because they are angry. Someone, and it’s usually you, hurt them. So, out of instinct, they want to hurt you back.

What can we do then?  Here are some ideas to help deal with disrespect in a thoughtful and respectful manner. 

1. Avoid the Fight in the Moment
When genuinely being disrespected, we should pay attention to the circumstance instead of yelling at the child, “You are being disrespectful!”

You as a parent are upset. You are called names and they hurt.

To teach respect, first, we need to stay calm and stay in control. Identify if this is a real “disrespect” situation, a misunderstanding, tantrum, or simply because the child hasn’t learned the proper response in such a situation.

You may see these words as signs your child doesn’t respect you. But what is the child’s intention when they say those mean words?

It is usually not malicious because kids (and grownups) cannot think straight when they are angry, they’re in fight-or-flight mode. They just reflexively want to fight back to protect themselves and, in this case, they use hurtful words to do so.

I know you WANT to deal with it right then and there.

But, once your child is angry, disappointed, frustrated, or upset, the thinking part of their brain has shut down. They are in survival mode. Their body is flooded with emotions and they are not able to hear and process the lessons you might want to teach.

I also know you HATE being disrespected.

But, if you are triggered by their disrespectful behavior, your brain goes into fight-or-flight mode too. You are not able to think rationally. Your responses will either be filled with anger, yelling and punishment or you will shut down and give up.

We can’t teach our kids to be respectful by treating them with disrespect so you need to slow down and let the emotion pass.  Deal with disrespect when there’s no emotion present.  For some that will be a few hours later, for others it could be a few days.

We’re going to look for a moment when our child is calm and we can sincerely say “Hey, you know the other day you called me a mean mom and said you hated me?  That really hurt my feelings.  I need you to know that I love you and that really bothered me. Can we talk about it?  Maybe think of other ways to tell me how you’re feeling?”  If you’ve waited for the right moment hopefully, you’ll be able to clear the air as to why they were so upset and have a talk about how to communicate better in the future. 

But, let’s go over a few more ideas since staying calm might be hard for some of you.

What else can we do?

2. Use Family Meetings
If you have major respect issues going on in your household, it’s probably a sign that there’s not enough communication about expectations and consequences.  I want you to sit down with your family and brainstorm a plan about how you’re going to be more respectful.  For those of you who listen to my podcast regularly this is what I call a Family Meeting.  In your meeting I want you to model for your family how to use words in positive ways to allow for opinions to be expressed.  This wouldn’t be a meeting where mom and dad lay down the law but one where everyone can give input about what is frustrating them and causing them to be disrespectful.  It’s the triggers that lead to disrespect that we have to eliminate to help create more respect.  What do I mean?  Let’s say my son was supposed to be cleaning his room but was playing on his gaming system instead. This all leads to me taking away his gaming controller and him yelling at me very disrespectfully that I’m so stupid and how I’m ruining his life. 

If I were to use a Family Meeting here it would be about the trigger for the disrespect – not cleaning his room -- along with how he and I need to communicate in the future when chores aren’t being done. We might decide how I would approach him next time when he’s playing a game to get his attention, like tapping him on the shoulder and waiting a specified amount of time for him to pause. After our meeting the next time his chores aren’t done, if our agreed upon method doesn’t work then we’re going to have a follow-up Family Meeting. We need to figure out how to tweak what we’ve laid out, maybe it would be setting which hours he can play or delaying any play until his chores are done.  All of this is going to be an iterative process, but it should lead to the disrespect quotient in your family being significantly lessened. 

If we as a family can train ourselves to look for communication solutions when we have disrespectful bumps in the road that happen, we can have a lot more respect for each other in the long run.  But we have to have those Family Meetings to get some real solutions going and we need to keep having them when new issues arise.  If you want more information about Family Meetings listen to podcast episode #17.

3. Don’t Take Everything Personally or Overreact
Pretty much every teenager pokes relentlessly at their parents, expressing their frustrations in various ways. Again, this isn’t limited to teens, kids of any age can do this.  Eye rolling, scoffing, smirking, little kids might even spit or kick you – those are all tools in their arsenal that convey their disregard. And as we all know; those irritating behaviors can get under our skin. Kids are looking for those weak spots, those places where they can drag us into defending ourselves and our rules.

If we take it personally, it’s going to be hard to respond effectively. If we react to every single one of those behaviors, we’re not likely to see any change in our kids. While these things are annoying, they aren’t something to correct in the moment.

We need to decide which behaviors we’re going to focus on, and which we can ignore using what Love and Logic calls “going braindead”. Remember that those mildly irritating behaviors aren’t about us, they’re simply an expression of frustration by our child. Our role is to deal with our child’s behavior as objectively as possible. It doesn’t mean we won’t be irritated. Let it go and ignore it so we can stay focused on the topic at hand. 

Ignoring is about refusing to let our child's disrespect derail us from the task at hand. If we tell our child to take out the trash and they roll their eyes, don't engage in a lengthy argument over the disrespectful eye rolling. Each minute we spend in a power struggle is 60 seconds they'll put off taking out the trash.
 
If eye-rolling is a common problem, we should address the issue at a later time when both of us are calm just like I said before. Again, say something like, "Earlier today when I told asked you to take out the trash, you rolled your eyes. Are you aware that you do that when you're mad? It really makes me feel disrespected.  Can we think of something different you can do when you’re feeling frustrated with me?" 

4. Model respect 
If we value respect, model respectful behavior. We need to do our best to show them the way it should be done.  Make sure we’re treating our spouse, our boss, our neighbors, and others with respect.  We don’t have to agree with everyone, but we need to model for our kids that everyone deserves to be respected.  In our current political situation, it’s easy to disrespect someone who has a different opinion.  Model that opinions for different people are different and it’s ok.  
 
5. Don’t Take Our Child’s Side
Wait, what? What does “taking our child’s side” have to do with disrespectful behavior?
Let’s say our child complains about how much homework he has, calling the teacher names and generally being disrespectful toward her. We might agree that this particular teacher does give too much homework.
If we take our child’s side in this case, we might say we agree that we think the teacher is stupid, and that she’s doing a terrible job. The message our child hears is: if we think someone is wrong, then we have a right to be rude.

The truth is, neither of us has to agree with someone to treat them respectfully. Even if we think the teacher (or the coach, or the boss, etc.) is wrong, we need to let our child know that regardless of how they feel, they still need to find a way to act appropriately.

One benefit of this approach is that our children will most likely encounter plenty of people in their adult life they disagree with. Help them learn the skills they need to handle those disagreements calmly and appropriately.

6. Don’t Demand Respect
“I am your parent and you have to respect me!” Does that sound familiar? A lot of parents ask me, “How can I get my child to respect me?” You can’t demand respect, but you can require that your child acts respectfully, no matter how they feel about the situation.

“You don’t have to like the rule, but you do have to comply with it. Just because you’re irritated doesn’t mean you get to call me names.”

Remember, stay focused on the behavior, and leave the feelings alone. The irony is that, in the long run, your child will respect you more if you remain calm and enforce your rules consistently.

7. Respect Their Choices
It is ridiculous how some parents want to have complete control over their child’s behavior and preferences.  If you want your child to respect you, start with respecting their choices.

Everyone has their own preferences. As much as you want your child to be a mini-me and like exactly the same things you do, they are most likely not going to. Your child has their own likings. If you don’t like what they want, you should explain your rationale. But ultimately, they have to learn to make decisions for themselves. As long as their choice is not a danger to safety or health, is not (too) financially consuming and does not hurt others, you need to honor it.

That is why you need to let them make their own choices in things such as what they wear or what homework they do in what order. A child could end up going to school wearing mismatched socks or coloring outside the lines. Every person has the right to think independently and like different things. That should include children.
When children’s differences are accepted, they feel heard and respected. They see first-hand, through your modeling, how to treat others who have different opinions. They learn that they should respect people despite their differences.

When the teenage years come, this understanding and tolerance for differences is how to get your teenager to respect you. That’s when everything Mom and Dad say will sound stupid to them. You want your teenager to know how to tolerate differences and still respect and appreciate you!

8. Use Restitution
If your child or teen behaves in a disrespectful manner, restitution may be necessary to discourage it from happening again. You might have your child help the offended person by doing their chores for the day or some other special service.  Just forcing them to say “I’m sorry” doesn’t really work well in getting to the heart of the offense.  I have a podcast episode #35 on How to Teach Kids to Apologize that has a lot more detail about what to do if you need help in this area.

I know this is a lot to absorb and I really feel for you if you feel disrespected in your home after all the work you put into your family.  I hope things like staying calm, using Family Meetings and the other ideas in this podcast will help you in your journey.  It will take effort to bring things respect into focus but it is possible and you’re the key to unlocking respect in your home. 

PODCAST LINK HERE

Would you like to know how to deal with your child getting a bad teacher? Having a bad teacher can feel like a prison sentence for the whole family. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about it immediately but hope for the best.
What makes it worse is when every other parent in the class starts complaining after the first day of school because they know what it is going to be like for the next nine months. Most of us know that it’s almost impossible to change classes once a class list is set which is part of the reason most schools that I know don’t post their class lists until a day or two before school starts each year.  But what can you do to make the most out of the situation?
 
In this article I want to talk about a few things.  First, what do bad teachers look like?  How do they behave? Next, what can you do about it as a parent and, lastly, what can your child do about making it through the year in once piece having learned what they need to.  That’s a lot to cover so let’s dive in. 
 
First, there seem to be three kinds of bad teachers: Fluffy, Boring and Mean

1. What’s a Fluffy teacher?
   • These are the ones that often show movies or tell personal stories, getting off topic. Often times they are super nice human beings but just don’t manage to teach much or don’t teach the topic at hand. How can you tell if your child has a fluff teacher?  You might begin by asking to see the curriculum and look up the Common Core Standards to find out what your child should be learning. This will send a message that you are informed and watching.  My niece had a second-grade teacher who had been a kindergarten teacher for 20 years and was moved up due to class size issues.  Well, after a while my brother and his wife, who both happened to be teachers, noticed that homework coming home was kindergarten level work.  I kid you not!     
2. What’s a Boring teacher?
   • These teachers just read from the script or are just unchallenging and can be deadly.  One friend was in a class with a high school history teacher in her last year before retiring. That teacher could care less about teaching.  She literally read the textbook.  It was agonizingly boring each and every time my friend went to class.  What a drudge to get through that.
3. What’s a Mean teacher?
   • These are the scary ones.  Ones that might yell and scream at the kids in their class.  They might demean kids in front of others.  They might deal out punishments unevenly or even play favorites where your kid isn’t the favorite.  Or maybe they’re just impatient and won’t answer questions so your child comes home not knowing the material. These teachers can cause lasting damage so we need to keep our eyes and ears open if you think your child has a teacher in this category. 

 
Julie Plagens at Mom Remade has a wonderful article about dealing with bad teachers.  I’ll put a link in my podcast notes. It’s called How to Deal with A Bad Teacher: 15 Strategies to Survive the School Year
That’s a whole lot of strategies but I’m going to go over just a few that I think might really help families in this situation.
 
Wait and See
The first approach would be to wait and see while doing research

• You need to investigate to see if things are really as bad that they seem.  Sometimes our kids and their friends, not to mention other parents, can really blow things up.  Gather information from multiple sources if you possibly can -- class work, opinions from other parents with kids in that class, info about how things are going in other classrooms for that same topic; that sort of thing.
• You might find people who took that teacher's class last year and ask them how they got through the year. They might say "It doesn't get better but stay quiet or it gets worse." Try to find students who did well in the class and ask how they achieved that - ask to borrow their notes if they have any. Ask them if they have any tips on how to do well in the class.
• Another way to research is to volunteer in the classroom if it’s allowed which it often is at the elementary level although since COVID-19 not much is allowed any more. I’d read the teacher’s emails and look over the assignments.  Don’t helicopter, just be aware of what’s being studied and communicated. 
• You should also try to figure out what the teacher’s perspective might be, sometimes it’s not all your child says it is.  Bottomline, research before taking sides.  Even parent rumor mills can vary depending on how different kids reacted to the same teacher.  I had one parent tell me that her son hated a particular teacher he’d had a few years before which made me a little worried but, for my son, she turned out to be one of his most favorite teachers.  Go figure. 
• I just want to say that during this “wait and see” phase, sometimes things do settle down and kids figure out on their own how to get through each day or even start liking the teacher they were complaining about.

 
Communicating with the School
However, if you really feel that things need to be addressed you need to start the next phase which is communicating to the school

• Teacher meetings are the starting point.  Set up a meeting with the teacher and your spouse or partner.
  • As you meet you need to phrase the concerns as issues that require clarification instead of an attack, like “Mr. Jones, I need your help.  I’m a little confused about something.  Annie said _____, but I think she may have misunderstood.  Can you explain it to me?”  This gives the teacher an out but implies you’re watching what’s happening at the same time. You need to tread lightly since alienating your child’s teacher is one of the worst things you can ever do as a parent since your child can suffer as a result.
• If you feel unsatisfied the next step is to have a meeting with the principal or someone above the teacher like the head of a department
  • Ask for a meeting with the administrator and the offending teacher together to voice your concerns.   Nothing makes a teacher angrier than going over their head without giving them a chance to correct things. 
  • In my case, my son’s 4th grade teacher was a fluffy teacher. He and his classmates weren’t learning much at all.  We parents grumbled in the background for a few months as we started to see how little our kids were learning.  She was a new teacher at our school although not a new teacher to teaching, so it took us a while to see things.  A few parents chatted with the principal but nothing happened.  Our comments seemed to be treated as casual parent grumblings which principals here a lot of over the course of the year. It’s part of their job, right?
• Community Pressure
  • As a last resort, if the teacher and the principal won’t listen to you as a parent, talk to other parents and address the situation as a group. There is power in numbers. It makes a statement.
  • In my case, By Feb/March of that year it was apparent that we needed to move to a united front of concerned parents.   There were 5-6 families who strategically set up individual meetings with the principal over a month or so period.  You could set up one meeting with lots of parents but that’s not what we chose to do.  The principal got the message and that teacher wasn’t hired back.  It sounds a little harsh but once a teacher is offered tenure it’s almost impossible in California to get rid of them.  This didn’t help our kids that year but it certainly prevented other families from suffering in future years and we really felt heard which made us feel a little bit better.

Learn to Cope
Lastly, it seems that most of the time your child is just going to have a bad teacher and you have to help them learn how to cope with it. You can’t always have the best teacher, the best principal, or the best school.  I’m sure all of us remember times when we had a bad teacher in our youth, or a bad boss or a bad co-worker.  This is life. There are lessons to be learned about working with difficult people and bad teachers can turn kids into problem solvers with the right love and encouragement from their parents and peers.  As possible solutions you might get extra tutoring, set up study groups, correct homework yourself or become your child’s reading or writing partner.  It’s all extra work to get though the year but figure out what will make the learning happen, don’t let the bad teacher take away a whole year of learning.
 
If your child is 5th grade or older, if at all possible, you want to brainstorm with them on how they can handle the situation themselves.  You don’t want to rescue every time and talk to the teacher for them every time they have a problem.  Lots of kids are afraid of authority figures and need encouragement to stand up and be heard.  What can you do to help?  Feel free to role-play or even have your child write down what they might say to their teacher about an issue.  Step in only after the child has tried on their own.  If they don’t understand something, encourage them to stand up to the teacher and ask for extra help.  It might be really scary and hard which is why I’d suggest some role-playing with how that conversation might go. 
 
That said, sometimes a bad teacher just won’t help a kid learn.  I was talking to a recent college student whose AP Calculus teacher in high school just didn’t seem to know the material and wouldn’t and couldn’t even help them.  They tried talking to the principal with and without parents and nothing changed so the students in that class learned that they had to adapt.  They gathered together in study groups. They traded notes. Some of them had tutors and they traded those notes.  They used Kahn Academy lessons online.  They learned that they could learn without that bad teacher and they all wound up passing that AP exam in spite of that teacher.  It was twice as much work as they should have had to do but they did it. 
 
In another instance, when my younger son was a junior in high school, he struggled with a teacher who was constantly picking on him.  This teacher was in the boring category and my son just hated his class.  He was getting a good grade but came home every day complaining about how much he hated being in that class. 
 
After a few months I decided to challenge him. I know that great teachers have the ability to make one-on-one connections with students.  They are able to do amazing things with them since their students trust them and feel seen.  In this experiment, I decided to encourage my son to flip that where he’s the one who makes the connection with the teacher since this teacher didn’t seem to know him as a person and was picking on him all the time for putting his head on his desk and not participating.  I told him that if he when to his tutorial period with that teacher and had a conversation about ANYTHING, I’d give him money.  Yes, I am not above using money to motivate behavior of things kids don’t know how to do yet and I decided this was one of them. 
 
So, a few days later, he and a basketball friend, who also was in that class, decided to go to tutorial and talk to this teacher who happened to be a basketball coach of one of the girls’ teams.  Well, wouldn’t you know it, they talked about basketball and they even enjoyed the discussion.  You know what happened?  The very next class the teacher was nice and each day after he was too.  That teacher “saw” my son and, you know what, I think my son “saw” him too.  In chatting with him about this he even remembers that he tried harder to participate.   They weren’t the best of friends or anything but things worked out. The best part is that my son learned a life lesson in how making connections can really make a difference.  It was worth every penny I spent!
 
One of the last strategies in Julie Plagen’s article is about having a good attitude.  I love this idea. Listen to what others say but always talk nicely about the teacher in front of your child.  Sometimes when kids hear parents talking trash about a teacher, they’ll use it as an excuse to slack off or worse. 
 
I interviewed a number of people young and old for this podcast from students to parents to teachers.  The discussions were so much fun.  It was interesting that each person could remember a bad teacher or two.  Some teachers didn’t know the material. Some teachers were always unprepared. Some teachers were boring as heck. Some teachers had class pets and treated some other kids unfavorably.  But you know what, all those kids made it through to college and beyond.  They had loving families who supported and encouraged them.  They had parents who would listen to them, help set up and augment their studies, and give them empathy when things were tough.   They learned that life sometimes gave them lemons but, typically, they were able to make lemonade.  Sometimes it was a year or two later but, in the end, they made it.

I know as a parent of younger children; things might seem dire and you have a right to be concerned.  A young dad who has a 5th grade son just heard that his son got stuck in the class of a bad teacher for the third year in a row and is losing his joy of learning.  That sucks.  I’d certainly keep a close eye on that 5th grade teacher early and often.  I even know families, myself included, who’ve found that moving to a different school was worth the bother as a last resort.  I wouldn’t keep moving my kid every time I wasn’t happy with a teacher since it creates lots of other stressors that can be significant, but it’s worth considering. 
 
I just want to finish up by saying getting our kids through school is certainly a journey of ups and downs.  I pray this article has given you ideas for keeping the journey a little smoother. 

Over the years I've found some really great parenting resources in books, yes.. old-fashioned books,  imagine that!  With all the technology we have invading our lives it's amazing how some things about parenting just haven't changed much.  Our kids still throw tantrums, if there are siblings, they still fight and, by golly, just about everyone struggles with getting their kids to do their chores on time or at all. 

Here's a partial list of books that I've found really helpful that some of you might enjoy.  Some are on audible if you'd rather listen!

Classic Love and Logic Books:  I started my parenting work using these two books which are amazing  resources for all parents.  The second one is meant for parents of teens which isn't my favorite book for parents of teens but it's pretty up there.

• Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Jim Fay and Foster Cline
• Parenting Teens with Love and Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood by Jim Fay and Foster Cline

Grit and Perseverance Books:  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these books.  I am constantly trying to find ways to help parents know how and when to push their kids so they'll succeed on their own with a supporting environment.  Both these books promote grit and perseverance without all the parental interference that mucks things up in our high pressure world.  

• Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
• Mindset - Updated Edition: Changing The Way You think To Fulfil Your Potential by Carol Dweck

Books for Parenting Teens and to Adulthood: Both these books are so helpful for getting ideas on how NOT to over parent your teen yet develop respectful and helpful relationships that will help them grow.  Both these authors happen to be from Silicon Valley. 

• How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott Haims
• The Grown-Up's Guide to Teenage Humans: How to Decode Their Behavior, Develop Trust and Raise a Respectable Adult by Josh Shipp

Got any books you love?  Please email ones you love so I can add to my list!

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​
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I'm not sure what to say about living through history at this moment in time.  I live in California where virtually all schools are doing remote learning.  I know my podcast reaches outside of California so hopefully not everyone has to deal with all the issues I’m going to talk about.  We never expected to be having distanced learning due to a worldwide pandemic.  We certainly have to get through to the other side and we will get through it.  This article is meant to give you some food for thought in setting up your family for success with remote learning.

You all know I love practical parenting so I’m going to start with the physical setup ideas of how to get things running smoothly then move on to things like setting up routines, family rules and how to keep things fun and flexible. 

Let’s dive in!
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Lots of you have already started your distanced learning this school year so just listen for some ideas to make adjustments if you’ve got some bumpy areas going.
 
1 - Physical LEARNING AREA

• Organize - I’m sure your school has already recommended you set up a quiet and organized area for your student with a desk and chair, not a bed.  Having bins or shelves with supplies can really help keep things organized so your child doesn’t get frustrated trying to find different items.  If at all possible, you want to make sure the table height and chair height are appropriate for the size of your child.  Kids sitting in adult-sized chairs for long periods of time can be really uncomfortable and distract from learning.  If you’re on a limited budget, ask your school if you can borrow a desk for the duration of online learning. 

 

• Get rid of distractions – One of the biggest helps for learning at home is to get rid of distractions, meaning toys and stuff, from the work area. 
  
  One family I work with has the option of having their kids in their bedrooms with a desk and supplies.  To prepare, they spent the week before school clearing out any visible toys from around the study area.  Their son loves Legos so that meant not only Legos off the floor but also off the shelves and out of the room.
  
  Another family with a 1st grade daughter found that even though she was blessed to have her own room that it wasn’t going to work for them.  It was too hard to pack up all her toys and too far away from mom watching over her.  They got creative and set up a workspace on the dining table using one of those tri-fold poster boards to create her own little cubby area.  They even had her decorate it.  She had all of her supplies nearby but also a buffer from things like anyone else in the house walking by.  If your child is in a public space, you might want to try to build a cardboard barrier like that.
  
  

Lastly, you also need minimize other types of distractions like the family pets and siblings who are babies or toddlers who might cause disruptions not only for your student but for the entire online classroom.  Your child’s teacher will often help manage some distractions but please, please discuss not having excess noises like eating, doing dishes, vacuuming, cooking and such going on while your student is learning and trying to concentrate. 

• Provide quiet and focus – Next we’re going to talk about how to get a quiet environment.  Lots of families are using headphones to block out noises from the home while helping to keep kids focus.  I love the idea.  If you have the flexibility, have your child select the headphones. If they aren’t comfortable, you might try different types or figure out another location in your house that they can be alone and not have to have headphones on. 
  
  I talked to a mom who felt it odd that she can’t hear what’s going on in her daughter’s classroom since the headphones block out what the teacher is teaching and what other students are saying. She’d really like to listen in, but she had to remind herself that if this was a real classroom, she wouldn’t be able to do that.  We do need to trust our teachers and let our kids know we are here to assist, not to attend school with them. 

If you have an older student, you might run into this other issue with headphones.  One student objected to their very functional headphones because they didn’t look cool enough, so she didn’t want to use them, but it disrupted the whole family when she didn’t since her sister and parents were also all working from home.  What do you do with that?  We should show empathy for that child and allow them to use their own money to purchase any other headphones they deem more appropriate.  You provide the basics is what I’d recommend and allow them the flexibility to use their own money to upgrade if they want to. 

• Moving around – Now some families are finding that their kids need to have different locations through the day or week to keep things fresh.  It’s really hard for kids to sit in one place for a long time so they are getting out of their chairs and wandering when things get boring or hard.  Maybe they do online in one location but do their required reading on their bed or a comfortable chair.
  • If you have multiple kids who need some variety in location, set up a schedule of who goes where and when.  Maybe one location is the kitchen table and another is more private.  If both kids want the same location feel free to ask them how they’d like to rotate – daily, weekly or maybe even throughout the day.  Let them have input if at all possible.  You know I love Family Meetings and this could be a topic for your family. 
  • If you have other areas of your home, feel free to use them as long as they are set up ahead of time. One family is working to figure out how to rotate to the backyard picnic table while the weather is still nice out for a few hours a day.  It might take some trial and error to figure out how long and what time of day, but it’s worth a try.  You allowing for flexibility in keeping kids engaged in fresh ways to learn is really helpful.
    
    
• Charge devices - Keeping devices charged and ready to go is also super important.  When devices fail families get crazy stressed out with anxiety about missing out on work or being embarrassed that they aren’t online when everyone else is.  Many families are finding that chargers with extension cords or power strips that remain plugged in all day and night works best.  The rule should be:  If your kid is online, they should be plugged in.
  
  
• Check video and audio connections – You also need to make sure video, audio and connectivity is working.  Someone should test all of these out probably 30 minutes before class starts in the morning.  If you have a child in 3rd grade or higher, they should be the one testing everything out.  If there are problems, work with them to train them on what was done to fix the problem.  Some schools have special hotlines set up for students and parents to call for technical assistance.  If you’re fortunate to have that support, have that number or web address printed out on a paper and posted somewhere really obvious so you can call or email without a struggle if you need outside help. With school starting up the this issue is probably the most stressful for just about every family I talked to.  Prepare for problems and know what you’ll do if they happen.
  
  
• Keep online safety in mind – Now I want to talk about online safety.  If you’ve listened to my podcasts on Screen Time Issues, episodes 11 and 12, you know how highly I press home the point to keep all electronics in public places.  Well, for some of you with multiple kids learning at home in addition to adults working from home, you might have to compromise and let kids work in their bedrooms, sometimes even with the door closed.  In this difficult time we need to be flexible, I think it’s fine to revise some of those screen time rules but not to throw them out the window. 
  
  During the times of the day that online learning is happening, room time screen time is fine.  Once online learning is done, all devices come out of the rooms or get powered down.  If that doesn’t happen and you find your kid on YouTube or Fortnite, make sure you have consequences defined just like you have in the Digital Contract for your home that was talked about in the Screen Time podcasts. 
  I would also recommend letting everyone know that once we return to in-person learning that the family screen time rules will go back to being what they were with no screens in bedrooms.  Mention that every so once in a while so that it’s not a big shock when the rules are imposed again later on. 
  
  Just to let you know how serious this is, I already heard from one school that they had to deal with a 5th grade boy logging on to porn during class time.  Just imagine what can happen if you left the device in the bedroom day and night with no supervision. 
  
  

 
2 - ESTABLISH CLEAR ROUTINES
Now I want to move on to how to keep things running smoothly in your home through all of this by establishing clear routines so everyone knows what to expect, it’s not a jumble every day. 

• DAILY SCHEDULE -Have a daily schedule not only for academics that most schools are already providing, but also for family routines.  When does everyone wake up?  Eat breakfast? Make it be as much like “real school” as possible.  You won’t have to get “out the door” but being “in your seat” and having guidelines for getting there is really helpful to everyone. Do the same for after school and bedtime routines so that things feel “normal”.
  
  
• POST INFO - You might want to post their routines on a bulletin board or on the kitchen fridge so that they can, or you can, refer to them. 
  
  
• WEEKLY SCHEDULE - In addition, have a weekly schedule to show assignments and assessments plus other fun activities both with school, family and friends.  Have your child make the schedule if at all possible.
  
  
• I found a fun resource on Pinterest that I’ll include in the show notes that has blank daily and weekly schedules and even some useful signs to print out so your kids can let others know if they’re online or taking a test or on away from their computer. 


• Next, set up regular CHECK-IN times with your child especially if they are in elementary school.  
  • Morning – it could just over breakfast
    • What subjects are today?
    • Any tests/assessments coming up?
    • What resources do you need?
    • What can mom/dad do to help?
      
      
  • End of Day – maybe right after online learning ends but could be at dinner or before bedtime
    • How far did you get in your tasks?
    • What did you discover?
    • What did you do great?  (“Glow”)
    • What was hard? (“Grow” opportunities)
    • What could we do to make tomorrow better?
      
      
  • Most reports I have from high school students and their parents is that the students are tracking their own schedules, but parents should still lovingly check in to see how things are going.

 

• YOU NEED TO HELP WITH TIME – Another area to assist with time.  Time is a tricky thing.  If you’re too young to tell time, it can be stressful to know if you’re on time, if you’re older you can get distracted and not even look at a clock.  Using timers and alarms can be a godsend.  Figuring out if you need an alarm for a specific time like 8:30am to get online vs. setting a countdown timer that shows how much of a 90-minute session is left can be really helpful. 
  
  One family told me their son was so anxious about getting back online after lunch that he was short-changing himself time allocated to lunch.  Setting an alarm really helped him but a countdown timer that starts at noon and counts down for 60 minutes can work too.  Ask your child and experiment with what works for them.  You can get timers from Target or Amazon or download timer and alarm apps from the internet. 
  
  

3 – Another thing you want to do is ENCOURAGE INDEPENDENCE

• There are a few things you can do to help to do that:
• Let the teacher teach! Don’t assume you have to do the teaching.  Yes, you might answer a question or two, but you don’t need to learn how to teach algebra, that’s what the teacher is for.  
• Let your child own their work.  The more you can let your child own their education, the better off everyone will be.  Training your child to take charge of their schedule, devices and school work is where we need to head.  Let them make mistakes and you be around to help problem solve.  From what I’ve heard kids who are 4th grade and older are doing pretty well understanding that their school is their school and they don’t need a parent hovering very much at all. 
• Train them to ask their teacher. Let them ask the teacher for help, don’t step in and ask the teacher for them.  Show them how to ask for help, model it for them.  Model anything and everything they need to be successful.  Don’t do things for them, if at all possible.  If you feel that you need to talk to the teacher make sure your child is around to participate.
  
  

4 – SUPPORT FAMILY LEARNING

• When school isn’t in session, try to look for creative opportunities to include learning in the rest of the day:
  • Cooking - Math/science/reading– measure things, fractions, weigh things, read recipes – make cookies, make dinner, make sourdough bread, just make anything and include your kids
  • Laundry – Math – count socks, matching, sorting like things
  • Gardening – science
  • Vacuuming or sweeping – PE!
  • Just have fun!
    
    
• BOREDOM BUSTERS – It would also be helpful to have ideas ready in the event that things are going sideways with either learning or the environment.  If they can’t connect, make sure they know there are options of other things they can do.  Keep a list of those nearby so they are easy for them to find.  If they can’t read yet, make picture posters of ideas but the point is that you are prepared with things to do.  I’ll put a link to my Pinterest pages with activity ideas. 

https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/boredom-busters/
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/kids-fun-indoor-activities/
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/activities-for-teens/
 
5 – LEAD YOUR TEAM THROUGH CHALLENGING TIMES
The last point I want to go over is tying in what some of you heard in Episode 17. I encouraged families to come together as a team to solve challenges, so burdens are shared and solutions celebrated.  We need to do this with distanced learning issues.  When problems arise, you need to lead your family team to solutions!  Here are some topics I’ve run across in my discussions with parents lately are probably affecting quite a few of you:

• Quiet times – when are they?  When can people run the dishwasher or play music?
• When can you interrupt mom/dad when they’re working?  Is it any time or a set time of day?
• How are the interruptions done? Is there a signal?  One family has their kids slide a note under the office door to let dad know they need help.  Another family can see mom through a glass door into her office and stand quietly outside till mom can give them a hint about how long it will be till she can see them.
• How are emotions handled? If there are problems that are serious, how can everyone keep their wits about them?  What can we put in place if the work gets hard for our kids to let off some steam?  Or if they’re bored?
• Time with friends- is there a schedule?  A time limit? Can they meet their friends online or do they form a pod with a few other families so they can see each other in person?  What are the rules for meeting in person, how can it be safe?
• Special time with parents per kid – when can each kid have some special time with mom or with dad?  What schedule can work for your family to make sure you have time to connect?
  
  

I want to tell you about a single mom who reached out to me at her wits end.  Her 5th grade son was getting so bored with his online school during the day that he’d constantly get up to get snacks, go to the bathroom, do art or Legos.  He wasn’t paying attention.  It was so frustrating for mom.  Now when we’re upset our brains often go offline and we just can’t even think straight.  After chatting with her for a while, it became obvious that she needed to set up a Family Meeting and go over some of these challenges.  They needed to solve them together.

The two of us brainstormed for a bit so that she’d have some ideas for the meeting.  We talked about if there were other locations rather than just the kitchen table that her son could be at where mom was also trying to work and couldn’t get anything done with her son roaming around.  They are in an apartment so there aren’t many options, but no one was using one of the bedrooms and there was also a balcony available.  Could they work something out so that he rotated to different areas throughout the day?  He also has a really great teacher and we talked about how they could enlist her help in either coming up with more challenging work or different ways to engage her son so that he doesn’t get so bored.  Also, maybe there are some quiet toys he can keep nearby that will keep him in his seat or how about a “no snacks till recess” rule?  It’ll be trial and error for a bit but at least they can be a team to tackle the boredom problem so that mom can get back to work and so can he. 


BE FLEXIBLE AND STAY IN TOUCH
The final and most important thing I want to go over is to do what you know is right for your child.  Some kids will be emotional roller coasters with anxiety.  Please be gentle and be flexible in this challenging time that none of us have ever been through before. Nobody expects parents to replace classroom teachers. And no one expects children to perfectly mimic a classroom situation at home.   Positive intentions, love, consistency, and grace will go a long way towards helping all of us survive this period of isolation and emerge as better people on the other side. Hang in there!

I hope this was helpful.  If you’d like to spend some time brainstorming your challenges with me, I’m happy to assist.  You can either email me at mary@parentingdecoded.com or join my Facebook Group called Parenting Decoded and post your issues there for others to learn from.  It’s a “private” group and if you have any trouble joining it, just email me.

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​

I’ve had quite a few people asking me about chores – how to set them up, do you pay for them, how much do you pay, is allowance tied to chores, do I need chore charts with rewards, what do I do if my kid won’t do their chores.  In this podcast I want to address all those issues and more.  Chores let your kids develop life skills that, if taught well, will launch them into a good place in life.  I’ll start with the research behind why chores are important and then I’ll get into the nitty-gritty of how to implement chores with kids of various ages. 

First, the research…

Research shows that kids who do chores grow into happier, healthier, far more successful adults, and the sooner parents start them on them, the better off they are.  There have been two ground-breaking studies looking at success and correlations with behavior and upbringing.  One is the Harvard Grant Study which gathered data on individuals over 75 years and the other is a University of Minnesota study looking at individuals over 20 years.   Both published a ton of results in 2015.  Here are some brief observations I want to highlight for you:

1. It starts young: The best predictor of success in young adulthood, on measures related to education completion, career path, and personal relationships, was whether they had begun doing chores at an early age — as young as 3 or 4.
2. Professional success – doing chores was significantly correlated with academic and career success but there are even indications that early chores were linked to higher IQs. 
3. Relationship skills - “A kid who learns early to do chores will be a more generous and cooperative partner. It’s easier to live and work with a person who has learned to take care of his or her own stuff and to be responsible for some of the boring work that adult and family life requires.”  Chores teach kids vital relationship skills like cooperation, teamwork, and respect for others. I bet we all know someone in college who was the biggest slob and thoughtless roommate ever - never picked up after themselves, didn’t do the dishes, left the counter dirty and disgusting after cooking.  Yuck. 
4. Mental Heath - researchers found that participation in chores as children was a better predictor for mental health in adulthood than social class and family conflict.
5. Organization, Time Management and delayed gratification - Kids who do chores learn to organize their time and to delay gratification. Both of those are vital skills for later success.  If you have to do the dishes before playing video games and your friends are playing at 7pm then you’d better get those dishes done before then.  Having to fit in chores forces kids learn to manage their time. Julie Lythcott-Haims who wrote the book How to Raise an Adult said, “While it can be tempting to give kids a pass on busy homework nights real life is going to require them to do all of these things. When they're at a job, there might be times that they have to work late, but they'll still have to go grocery shopping and do the dishes."

Taking Time for Chores

In the Harvard Grant Study, researchers identified two things that people need in order to be happy and successful: The first? Love. The second? Work ethic.

What's the best way to develop work ethic in young people? Based on high-achievers who were part of the study there's a consensus of what gave them a good work ethic - A "pitch-in" mindset.  This is a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me ... that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.

The drawback we have as parents, however, is that having our kids do chores doesn't necessarily wind up being less work for us, does it?  It takes more time to teach our kids to do chores and to do them well instead of just doing the chores ourselves.  How many of us look forward to nagging our kids and reminding them day after day to do their chores away?  Now that we know the benefits of doing chores for the long-term, let’s take a close look at the practical side of what we can do to help us arrange for chores in our households.

PRACTICAL SIDE OF CHORES

To Pay or Not to Pay For Chores

I want to start by addressing one major issue - should we pay for chores.  I firmly believe we shouldn’t.  A family is a unit of people who need each other and love each other.  It takes work to take care of a family and there’s no reason why kids can’t learn at an early age that pitching in is just something they need to do.  Remember that life skill we learned about earlier?  The “pitching in” skill?  We do need to set up chores with love and encouragement though instead of nagging and threats. 

When we pay our kids for chores, they start to think that if they don’t get paid then they don’t have to work.  Or, if they don’t need the money, then they don’t need to do the chores either.  They become workers for hire and not contributing family members.  We threaten to withhold money when they aren’t done and this shouldn’t be about money, it should be about pitching in.

I do want to say that I believe in giving kids an allowance as a means to learn about handling money but it should be separate from chores.  Teaching kids about money is so important actually that I’ll do separate podcast soon on it so stay tuned for that. 

By Age

To help you on the practical side of things, I’m going to go over my recommendations for chores by age.  I’m going to give you some basic examples but after you’re done listening feel free to visit my PARENTING DECODED Pinterest board on Kids Chores.

For kids 2-3 years
You want to start young.  Yep, really young.  I’d start as early as two.  Richard Bromfield who wrote the book How to Unspoil Your Child Fast put it nicely, “When kids are really young, they want to help you rake leaves or prepare dinner.  Take those opportunities to let kids help. Those moments are infused with love and connection. By the time they're older and really able to do [those tasks] competently, they've lost interest."  Cape diem!  Seize the day!  A 2 or 3-year-old helping to sweep the back porch, dust the book shelves, or make a snack in the kitchen with a parent is a happy kid.  When they grow up and inevitably have to accomplish these things, they’re less likely to rail against them if you started early and naturally. 

What can a 2 or 3-year-old do?

• Pick up toys
• Wipe up spills
• Dust
• Clear places at meal times
• Help put away groceries
• Sort recycling
• Put dirty clothes in laundry​

For 4-6 year-olds you start to move into chores that are more helpful and they can learn to do these without you but still aren’t too hard. 

• Make their bed
• Sort laundry and put away clothes
• Feed pet
• Set the table
• Make a small snack or help with dinner
• Pull weeds
• Water plants
• Vacuum
• Sweep porch
  
  

For 7-9 years there is LOTS they can do. 

• Get themselves out of bed in the morning
• Make lunch for school
• Do their laundry or at least fold it
• Cook a simple meal
• Load/unload dishwasher
• Clean up after the dog
• Clean the bathroom
• Take out the trash
  
  

For 10-18 and beyond

• Do all of their own laundry
• Mow the lawn
• Cook a complete meal
• Wash the car
• Mop the floors
• Babysit
• Help with younger children
• Basic home repairs (light bulbs, dust a fan using a ladder, tighten loose screws)
  
  

Older kids Starting Chores Ideas

I want to talk now to families with older kids who haven’t been doing chores or almost no chores yet.  I’m mostly talking about families with teens or tweens but if you have elementary kids who aren’t doing chores this can be helpful to you as well.

If you have kids in this category,  it will be a huge adjustment for them, that’s for sure.  Our society has transitioned to valuing homework more than teamwork so we’ve given our kids a “pass” when it comes to contributing and they’re likely to resist your efforts to get them to contribute. 

For starters, I am going to give you the number one chore you need to have your teen or tween start doing right now.   It only involves them.  If they don’t do this chore, it only hurts them – not you, not the rest of the family, not even the family dog or cat.  What is it?  LAUNDRY. 

Set up a Family Meeting and announce that starting in one week you’ll allow your children to do their own laundry whenever they’d like as long as you’re not using the machines yourself.  You allow them to choose when to have a lesson on how to use the washer and dryer.  You also let them know that once they are trained, they are responsible for using the appliances appropriately or paying for the repairs.  Lovingly let them know that you will always provide soap and answer specialty questions that arise but their laundry will now be their laundry.

Then, you implement this.  Things might get stinky in their rooms.  Just shut the door.  They need to take care of themselves and this is the perfect life skill and chore for them to own. Some parents think they’ll waste water but that is much less likely than them not cleaning their clothes often enough. 

Here’s what else you need to do: no yelling, no reminding or nagging.  If you have an athlete, all the more reason to get them in the groove early.  They might come to realize they need more underwear to stretch out washings to once a week or once every two weeks.  Great!  Let them buy more underwear!  They can use their own money.  If they dye a load of laundry pink because they didn’t separate their colors correctly, let them wear pink or replace things with their own money.  If your child won’t fold their laundry, won’t put it away?  Don’t lift a finger.  Let them wear wrinkled clothes.  Let them figure out what is clean and what is dirty.  Just stay away.  Assist them by answering questions by all means, just don’t do their laundry.

Ok,  feeling better?  Do you think you can get that one implemented at your house?  Good!  This laundry chore will get you on a path toward where you really want to be, getting them more involved in chores around the house.  So, what’s next?

Here’s what I did with my boys when they hit middle school.  This process I’m going to describe takes a bit of time to implement but I really think it is worth the effort.  It absolutely was for me.

Start by taking a piece of binder paper and taping it to the fridge in your kitchen.  Every day, many times a day, write the chores that everyone in the family does on the list.  Take about two weeks to write all the chores so that you get a really good cross section of things that need getting done.  Add pages as they get full.  I told my boys about the list and encouraged them to write down their chores if they didn’t see them on the list but it was a list of all our chores, not just theirs. 

What was on the list? Grocery shopping, driving kids to school, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, paying bills, earning the money to pay the bills, vacuuming, planting the garden, making beds, cleaning the dishes, setting the table, etc.  Our list was about three pages long in the end. 

Next, organize the list into categories – daily (making beds, setting the table), weekly (taking garbage bins to the street, combing the cat), monthly (clean their bathroom) and random (changing light bulbs, refilling TP, washing the car). I happen to put all mine into a spreadsheet so I could more easily manipulate them and add columns for who will do each chore but do whatever works for you. 

Last step, have a Family Meeting and brainstorm who does what.  True confession, the first time I did this I hadn’t categorized by daily/weekly/monthly and it was a disaster.  I had to re-think my process and hold another Family Meeting a few days later which is what I’m describing now.  Haha… you can learn from my mistakes! 

My kids had already had chores but this magic list showed them that mom happened to be doing LOTS of the chores with dad in second place.  I was a stay-at-home mom at the time so it wasn’t all that surprising. 
For their daily chores I just asked before school for two simple things in their rooms –straighten up their beds and open their blinds.  I love light in my house and I really wanted that help.  They agreed it seemed reasonable.  They had other daily chores but those were my wins by doing this.

For their weekly chores, they got to decide when they did them – which days worked best in their busy schedules.  This is where using choices was key.  I wanted them done,  they could say when! They also chose that some chores they would own and others would rotate.  It seemed that neither wanted to clean the litter boxes for our cats so they rotated that one with taking the garbage bins to the street.  I was flexible!  It didn’t matter to me when, just that they helped. 

I also had commitment from my husband and boys that if I cooked, they’d clean the dinner dishes. We would all take our plates over to the counter but then one boy would help dad wash the pots and load the dishwasher and the other one was responsible for cleaning up the leftovers and counters.  Again, choices!  I could chill while they happily picked their after-dinner music and cleaned up.  It never took more than 15 minutes.  This again was a chore I used to pretty much do all by myself and not always happily.  Another win!

However,  my real coupe, if you ask me, came when I showed them the “random” list of jobs, the ones that don’t have a schedule.  It had about 40 jobs on it.  I was pretty much doing most of the 40 jobs and they all could see that now.  Before we created this list,  they had no idea how long it was.  I asked them to each pick 4 jobs from the list.  I didn’t care which ones, just pick and be responsible.  Their eyes lit up.  Only four!  Wow!  That’s a steal!  They were expecting 15 or something.  While that doesn’t seem quite fair in some ways to me, I was thrilled to have one son now be the permanent light-bulb-changer and the other the toilet-paper-refiller and foaming-soap-refiller. 

I can’t even remember the other ones but it was awesome.  Just the week before we did this list I had asked one of my sons to replace a lightbulb. They had no interest whatsoever especially since we had high ceilings and a lot of them needed a ladder to get to.  Well, the very next week after the new jobs were selected, I got 4 light bulbs changed from a happy teen. Yep!  He smiled and just went off to change them. 

I encourage you all to make your list and get buy-in for some assistance.  Chores are good for your kids even if they won’t admit it. 

Chore Charts, Chore Jars and Chore Events

Next,  I’m going to talk about how you might track and set up the chores.  There are quite a few clever ways I’ve been researching that parents accomplish getting their kids to know what chores to do - chore charts, chore jars and chore days or mornings.

Chore Charts – a simple chart that has chores listed and maybe the days of the week.  You can use a marker or stickers that the child can show they are done with a chore.  Simple.  Some families collect stars and give a reward but since rewards are kinda like paying for chores I’m not all that keen on rewards, just charts for tracking what’s to be done.  If your child can’t read, by all means use pictures.  If your child is older, have Family Meetings to discuss what chores will be done by whom and when.  The more choices you can give your kids over chores, the more ownership they will have in completing them.
 
Chore jars - I love some of the Pinterest ideas where you take popsicle sticks and write all the chores on them and put them in a jar.  Each person in the family can then pick a stick, do the job and then put it in the “completed” jar when they’re done.  Have different jars for different ages if you need to.  Be creative! 

Chore days or mornings - Some families pick one day on the weekend, maybe Saturday morning, where they all do chores together.  A list is posted that morning of what needs to be done and everyone pitches in until they are all completed.

Consequences for Not Doing Chores

Let’s move on.   We might agree on the concept of chores but what if our kids won’t do them without lots of nagging and threats?  We need to stop nagging and threatening.  I need you to go back and listen to Podcast #10 on how to set up good consequences.  Using the Love and Logic® technique called Energy Drain that those of you who came to a class learned, as well as setting some good limits as to what will happen if chores aren’t done, is the direction you need to head in.  If you don’t know the Energy Drain technique I’ll put a link to the audio you can download it from Love and Logic®. 

When kids are younger a simple limit stated positively like: “Anyone who has finished their chores is welcome to sit down at the dinner table.” Or “I read books to kids who have put their clothes in their hamper.”  These work really well for little ones.   For snarky teens and tweens you might need something more like, “Gee, it really drains my energy to see all those dishes sitting in the sink. What are you going to do to put my energy back?”  If they refuse, just like I describe in Podcast #10, the next day might look like: “I drive kids to school or soccer practice who have put my energy back.”  Or, “I allow kids to use electronics who’ve put my energy back.”  You need to keep calm and you need to not nag or yell.  I know it can be hard but, believe me, if you’re consistent, your kids will trust that you mean what you say.

I do want to cover one more advanced concept that worked great for my own boys.  I never yelled or nagged about doing chores.  I let it be known that I’d be happy to do any chore for them and I posted a list of charges on my kitchen bulletin board.  It was only $20 for me to take the garbage bins to the street, $5 to refill TP  and $10 to comb the cat. Everything had a price.  I collected my charges once a month from the pink note cards that went on the bulletin board to track when I did a job for them.  It allowed me to be a happy mom and they got to be responsible since they didn’t like giving me their money.  This whole setup I’ll explain in a future podcast on how to teach kids about money but for now put prices on things.  I also bargained to take down a pink card if they did one of my jobs.  I was flexible!  I’d even tell you to feel free to post what you’ll pay kids to do your chores if they want to earn money as well. 

Did I give you enough practical ideas on how to get some chores done at your house?  I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you.  Realizing that our kids need chores is what I hope I’ve accomplished here.  Let your kids grow and experience real life, get them out of the academic and performance-oriented bubble our society has been forcing them in to.  Help create humans who care to pitch in and understand that life isn’t all about them; it’s about creating a loving environment where we can work to solve problems together. 

I loved how Julie Lycott-Haims wrote in her book, How to Raise an Adult, “By making them do chores -- taking out the garbage, doing their own laundry -- they realize I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life. It's not just about me and what I need in this moment."

​Here's the link to PINTEREST KIDS CHORE BOARD

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

Thanks for coming back to read Part 2 of my screen time rules.  I hope to build on what you learned in Part 1 so that you can deal with the more complicated issues when your kids are old enough to have their own phones, laptops and computers.  It’s a challenging world out there and I want you to be well-equipped.
 
In Part 1, we talked about “family screens” and how to set limits with obedience, and, if there’s not, how to set up effective consequences. 
 
Now, in Part 2, I’ll cover my final 5 rules dealing with older kids when individual cell-phones, laptops and other electronics come in to play by about middle school.  However, with COVID-19 this is happening even earlier.  It seems that these rules will apply to lots of elementary school age children who are now doing online school and have access to tablets and laptops that they view as their own.  

I do want to mention a few things about how teens and tweens use their devices before I start.  Common Sense Media’s 2019 survey of media use in teens and tweens say that by age 11, 53% of kids have their own smart phone, by age 12 it’s 69%.  That’s a whole lot of phones in the hands of very young people. 
 
I was also amazed to see that 69% of teens are watching YouTube every day.
 
Other interesting info in that survey how boys’ and girls’ media tastes vary.  While 70% of boys 8-18 say they like playing video games of any sort “a lot”, only 23% of girls say that; 41% play every day while only 9% of girls do.  Girls, on the other hand, love listening to music; 73% say they like it “a lot” compared to 59% of boys.  50% of girls say they like using social media “a lot” while only 32% of boys do. 
 
I mention these stats just to give us a common ground to think about how the rules we’re going to discuss fit into the lives of your kids.
 
With that said, let’s dive in!
 
RULE 9: Use Contracts
I highly recommend that every family introduce a digital contract whenever personal electronics are about to appear in your kids’ lives.  Notice the timing, I said ABOUT.  You want to leverage your child’s willingness to listen and negotiate with you while they don’t have a phone or laptop yet.   It might seem a little ridiculous to bring in a business type document into your family’s life but, you just have to trust me, you’ll really need this to get through things in the long run.  Actually, I take that back, don’t trust me but listen to what happens to families when rules around electronics aren’t defined ahead of time. 
 
 
Let’s say at 8th grade your child gets their first iPhone.  Woohoo!  They are so happy and you are the most amazing parent.  Your child says they’ll be responsible and since they are so sweet and happy you all rest easily.  That is, until they start staying up late watching YouTube videos or you find them texting at all hours of the night.  You asked them to charge in the kitchen and they do it for a while.  They constantly have their phones in their room when they’re doing their homework and it just never makes it to the charging station at night.  Hmm...  They need it, they say, to get help from friends.  Sure, you say. 
 
However, each time things get a little more out of whack and your child gets annoyed with you bothering them about being on their phone so much.  You start taking it away when they are sassy to you or they don’t do their chores.  It becomes a weapon in your relationship.  All the while your child retreats more and more to their room, closing you out of their lives a little bit more each day.  Fighting and yelling escalate, you come to me wondering what you can do.  You have no relationship left, you’ve killed it fighting about the phone and you’ve driven your child away from you when they actually need you the most.  Frightening, isn’t it? 
 
Well, it happens all the time.  Yes, all the time.  If you’re a parent in this situation right now and relationships have been badly damaged, then you might need professional help.  It’s a super tough place to be.  Our pastor at my church called trying to take away a cell phone from a teen and create boundaries after they’ve had unlimited access would be like choosing to start World War 3. 
 
However, if this isn’t you and you still have a relationship with your child that you can build on, then you’re in luck.  Start now and things can go well!   I don’t want to be overly pessimistic since it certainly is true that many of us will weather the storm of electronics in our lives, but we just never know which one of us will be hit with a hurricane so we might as well weather-proof as much as possible.  

So, let’s get back to the concept of setting up a digital contract.  First, when’s the best time to set it up?  BEFORE your child has access to individual devices.  You will be able to have discussions with kids who are drooling at the prospect of getting their own phone, laptop or tablet.  However, if your child’s school  has already issued them a device for schoolwork or you’ve purchased one for them to use in this crazy time of COVID, just go ahead and introduce the idea of a contract now.  I’d set up a family meeting to do it. 
 
What’s in a contract? 
This is going to be a family document and it will need to evolve over time as your kids needs grow and change.  It will look different for a 5th grader than what an 8th grader or a high school junior.  It needs to evolve and it should be negotiated, not dictated, if you want to up the chance of compliance and be able to have a healthy relationship as you go through the teen years together.
 
The structure of the document will remain the same. It will cover:

• Location of devices – during use, when charging. (Remember Rule #1?  No devices in the bedroom!)
• Use of devices – for homework, for steaming videos, gaming, social media
• Time of day devices are used -after homework and chores
• Who has access to download apps – for young ones only parents
• What passwords are required to tell parents – for young ones always, negotiate as they age
• Rules for when parents can monitor – keep random checks a possibility
• Define consequences – the most important part of the contract!
  • Have your kids help define these, the compliance goes way up when they participate in creating what they think are reasonable consequences
  • Have differing levels based on type of offenses
    • Not charging is a day without a phone
    • Using it at 2am on a weekday to watch YouTube might be a week
    • Downloading apps without permission another type of consequence
    • Etc.
  • Expand the possibilities of consequences to include things like extra chores or outdoor activities, not just taking away electronics.  Keep in mind that when you take away electronics our kids think we’re mean and uncaring.  The entire time they don’t have them they focus on how much they are mad at us and not on themselves for the poor choice they made when they chose to break the Digital Contract you all agreed to. 

 
I have a sample contract on my website that I’ll put a link to in the podcast notes.  It was written by a family with a 7th grader and freshman in high school.  You can even download the file and edit it to work for your family.  You can also feel free to surf the internet, there are lots and lots of sample contracts available.
 
Setting up a contract with consequences can be tricky since kids really don’t want Big Brother breathing down their necks.  However, even though kids don’t want to be monitored, you making sure there’s a way to do so that’s part of your family life when they are young will give you some avenues in dealing with things if your child steps over the line and needs to be reeled in later. 

A few notes on contracts during COVID: 

• update them as things change; it’s totally fine to make modifications to the contract at times like these.  Many parents are doubling their kids’ screen time limits or using chores or outdoor time as ways to earn more screen time.  Be creative and get it in writing how those things are done.
• you MUST figure out ways to monitor and use the consequences you’ve set up, rules without consequences prove to our kids that there are no rules which leads to them running their own show and ruins our family relationships and trust

 
RULE 10: Use Monitoring Software
Monitoring software is something that you can put on your child’s devices that can watch and alert you proactively for certain behaviors you and your family deem unacceptable.  Say, for instance, no bulling.  Monitoring software is tough to come by and none do 100% of what we might like it to do. 
 
One company called Bark has monitoring software that I think is pretty good.  Its motto is: monitor – detect – alert.  It doesn’t prevent, that’s what Parental Controls do back in Rule #5.  It uses artificial intelligence to “watch” apps your child is using – SnapChat, Instagram, Tik-Tok, whatever – and alerts you if it sees patterns of words that fall into the category of bullying.  It doesn’t shut down access but it allows for conversations to take place between yourself and your child about what you’ve been alerted to. 
 
One friend’s son was watching porn in high school. His dad had no idea.  Once dad found out they were able to discuss the issue of porn and decided to install Bark.  It’s not meant to be invasive but helpful.  The thing to know is that the Bark interface needs to be installed on each app on your child’s phone with their consent.  If you set up your child’s cell phone correctly with a digital contract in place that specifies that Bark is required for all apps, you’ll be in a good place.  It does cost about $10/month or $99/year per family.  I think it’s worth it but only if you have a good relationship with your child. 
 
There are a few other tracker types of software but they all have limitations and require cooperation from your kids to use.  Which means having a good, trusting relationship with your child is going to be your best bet in protecting against digital issues in the long run.
 
RULE 11: Talk about Online Safety
Rule 10 is pretty complicated since it implies some of Big Brother that our kids absolutely don’t want in their lives.  If you set up ways to have open conversations about online safety starting when they are young and growing in topics and scope as they get older, you’ll have a chance that you can raise digitally aware kids. 
 
In the contract you should be specific about some safety rules like no giving out personal info, no bullying, what to do if bullying occurs and such.  All of these topics, however, that are in the contract need to be talked about so that your family is all on the same page.  You need to address things like answering the phone when mom or dad calls but also how “ghosting” and “cancelling” friends online is super toxic and hurtful.  Have those discussions.
Talk about sexting and how it impacts lives and reputations.  Ask your kids if they’ve seen any of these behaviors.  Talk about why people might do these bad behaviors.  Nearly 40% of children in a Dec 2019 study say they’ve either received or sent a “sext” by the age of 13.  Disturbing.
 
 
RULE 12: Talk about Social Media and Gaming

Earlier in the podcast I talked about how girls are much more into Social Media – Instagram, SnapChat, Tik-Tok, to name a few.  Girls bond by chatting and social media falls right into girlhood social life as well as girlhood drama.  Girls are twice as likely as boys to be bullied.  There is no longer empathy when a post hurts someone since the person bullying can’t see the hurt on the person’s face anymore.  It makes bullying easy with very little consequence.  You need to talk to your girls about that. 
 
However, we parents also need to understand the more subtle ways social media is used to bully.  If you read a text or see a post that says someone is ugly or stupid, that’s easy.  What you can’t see is that an app like SnapChat has a feature  where kids can set up what is called a “streak”. Here’s how it works.  Let’s say I’m your friend and I send you a Snap today.  Well, since we’re good buddies you send one back.  That’s a “streak” of one.  Tomorrow we so the same thing.  Our streak goes to two, the next day three, the next four, etc.  Let’s say I have a few other friends besides you and I’ve got 10 streaks going at the same time but you get mad at me.  You know what you do because you’re pissed?  You break our streak.  Yep.  Just cut it.  We had 251 days of streaking just gone and I am not your friend any more.  You didn’t use any words, did you, but all our friends know what you just did to me even if my parents don’t. 

How about Instagram?  Super popular.  There are “likes” on Instagram.  I post a selfie of me (tweens and teen girls love selfies!) and I get 150 likes in a day.  I’m popular, right?  That must have been an amazing picture, right?  Well, you post a selfie and got 3 likes in a day.  You are so crushed and hurt you take your selfie down.  Another subtle form of bullying that parents and Bark type software will probably never be able to detect.  No words used again.  Tik-Tok works the same way.

Those are just two forms of subtle bullying that go on that parents miss all the time.  You need to keep up on new apps and what they’re about.  In a few years, the two I mention here will be so “last year” and there will be new Tik-Toks to replace them that you’ll have to understand.  It’s complicated and it will stay that way.  Stay in touch with your girls.  If you see big mood swings and isolation going on it’s something to worry about.  Use websites like Common Sense Media, Axis and StayHipp to keep up to date.
 

Boys, on the other hand, do participate in social media to a lesser degree but they are more likely to dive deep into gaming.  It’s fun and boys connect by doing not by socializing.  If you have a son who is a gamer, stay close instead of staying away.  Learn what they like about the game they are playing, what they are learning about life as they play. 
 
Many of these games require teamwork to win or concentration and skill.  What is your son gaining?  Fortnite and Mindcraft are currently super popular games for younger boys, maybe tween and under.  Play with them.  Watch them play.  Ask them about their characters or which friends are playing with them.
 
Many boys will move on to more aggressive games in middle and high school that require more skill and dedication.  My son in high school decided he wanted to be a professional gamer.  His game of choice at the time was Counterstrike, a war-time type game.   I took a big gulp and went along for the ride for about 5 years.  I stayed close.  Asked questions about the game.  We had gaming nights where his friends all brought their gaming computers and could be in the same room playing instead of separately. 
 
My son learned many important skills that, if I wasn’t looking, I would have missed.  He learned that picking the right teammates was hard, not everyone had his dedication.  It was frustrating.  He learned that a team had to work together to win, no one hot shot could do it all.  As he evolved, he became the head of his 5-person team.  He had to help resolve issues between teammates when they came up.  It was amazing!  I could see how really important life skills were being learned. 
 
He was a very good student and was heavily involved in school sports so he had some balance in his life but he still loved gaming.  I could have spent years fighting with him to get off his computer and would not have much of a relationship with him today if I’d done that.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not promoting gaming, I’m just saying that if your child is headed that way, find the good as well as making sure there’s a balance. 
 
My son just graduated from college in Computer Science.  Whew.  He still loves to play games but did find out on his own after approaching the semi-pro level while in college that playing for fun was much more rewarding.  He learned it, not me.  I was able to love him when it got tough because we still had a relationship. 
 
RULE 13: Talk about Porn
There are many ways parents can use software and hardware to assist us in the never-ending battle for control of screen time.  In Rule #5 we talked about Parental Controls.  I absolutely want to make sure you’re setting up as much filtering as possible to prevent porn from easily coming into your home and on to devices that travel outside your home. 

However, you need to talk about porn.  Yes, it’s a really awkward subject but our kids will find porn one way or another.  At first, in about late elementary school, it’s accidental.  A friend at school with an older sibling shows them on a phone or when they go over to another house for a playdate that doesn’t have good filters.  Then curiosity hits and more porn gets into their lives. 
 
When the brain is under development as it is in puberty there are new neurological connections being made every day.  Listen to Episode 2 on the teen brain if you haven’t already for more details.  These connections on porn can get hardwired so that our kids young minds think that porn is “normal” sex.  For some, healthy sexual relations are impacted in the long term which is super sad.  There has been a noticeable spike sexual impotence of men in their 20s largely due to porn. 
 
How do you talk to them?  If you have younger kids maybe 4-9 there’s a really nice book called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Kids.  If you google how to talk to teens about porn you’ll get quite a few resources that have some really great suggestions for setting up discussions with your kids.  I will put links to some of those in my show notes.  I hope you’ll take a look at some and set up ways to talk to your kids.  It is going to be awkward and I will pray that it goes well for you but please make the effort.

Well,  that’s the end of my Screen Time Rules.  You made it! 
 
I hope you’ve got some really practical ideas about dealing with electronics in your homes.  Please set up contracts with your kids and have some discussions about hard topics with them.  Set yourselves up for success by working with your kids to tackle these issues, don’t be a dictator.  If you run into new troubles, stop and take time to address them as a family. 
 
That’s all for now.  I would love it if you’re listening if you can forward this podcast on to a friend or two.  There just isn’t enough practical help for parents in dealing with screens. I hope you think you’ve gained some good ideas that are worth passing on. 
 
Take care and be safe. 
 
Have a blessed rest of your day.
 
Helpful Websites for Keeping Up To Date
www.CommonSenseMedia.org
www.Axis.org
www.StayHipp.com
 
Digital Contract Sample
https://www.parentingwithlogic.com/family-digital-contract.html
 
Book for Talking to Younger Kids about Porn
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Pictures-Bad-Porn-Proofing-Todays-ebook/dp/B07KQFWR6J/ref=sr_1_1?crid=M3J0KWQJUIJ&dchild=1&keywords=good+pictures+bad+pictures&qid=1590185110&sprefix=good+picture%2Caps%2C218&sr=8-1
 
Website Resources for Talking to Teens about Porn
https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/entertainment-technology/pornography-sexting/pornography-talking-with-teens
 
https://childmind.org/article/how-to-talk-to-teenagers-about-porn/

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      LISTEN

As most parents have noticed screens are a constant source of friction in our households that just never seems to end. 
 
This podcast is the first of two parts; Part 1 targeting younger families and how to deal with what I call “family screens.” I go over ways we can set up screens in our family in such a way that there are limits with obedience, and if there’s not,  how to set up effective consequences.  Although the target audience for Part I is parents with toddlers to middle schoolers there are really fundamental things for all families to set up so it’s best to listen to this before moving on to Part 2 even if you have older kids.  On the flip side, even if you have younger kids I recommend you listen to Part 2 when it comes out so you can prepare for what’s ahead. This issue is super, super difficult, constantly changing, hard to understand and it’s so important for us parents to be on top of this and stay current.
 
As I mentioned,  Part 1 is going to deal with what I call “family screens”.  These are the electronics in your house that are family owned – iPads, laptops, tablets, TVs, gaming systems and such that are shared among the family members.  This is usually the stage from toddler until late elementary to middle school when kids start getting their own phones and laptops.  In this podcast I’m going to cover 8 rules for what I think it takes to set up good screen time then in Part 2 I’ll cover my final 5 rules dealing with older kids when individual cell-phones, laptops and other electronics come in to play. 
 
With that said,  let’s dive in!
 
RULE 1: Keep Electronics Out of Bedrooms
This is essential.  If there’s nothing else you do as a result of listening to this podcast, please do this one.  It’s the most impactful both short term and long term.  You also want to keep them out of other private places like bathrooms and offices.  This includes laptops, cell phones, TVs and e-books.  Just set this rule up when they are very young and get it into the family routine and you’ll save yourself huge headaches when Part 2 comes into your lives. Why such a rule?  Not only do you protect your kids from inadvertent or explicit surfing to dangerous websites and trolling but you’re also making sure that when they are older that they don’t shut you out of their lives.  These devices are so powerful and entertaining that as they hit middle and especially high school your kids can easily close you out of their lives.  Their friends can be with them 24/7 and they won’t need you at all!  I’ve watched lots of families lose important emotional connections with their children when devices allow them to hibernate in their bedrooms.
 
 
RULE 2: Keep Electronics in Public Places
Well, if you’ve got Rule 1 down then get a freebee pretty much with this one!  Just keep things in the open. 
 
If your child has to do homework and they normally do it in their room I would set the limit using Rule 2 that they’re welcome to do their homework in their room but if it involves a computer then it needs to be done elsewhere in a public area.  Wow!  Really, Mary?  Yep!  Elsewhere.  When my boys were in middle and high school I dedicated my dining room table to homework.  Yes, it was messy but we had an agreement that when guests came to dinner they would clear off the table into the two plastic laundry tubs that I kept hidden in the front closet.  It worked perfectly!  I got to see them and do things like feed them snacks and say hi to their friends when they came over to study.  I didn’t hover but I was around.  If you have room in your house on the kitchen table, dining table or family room area, consider making one of those places available for kids to use computers safely.  Now that my boys are out of college I have a neat dining room every day and I miss them like crazy.  It was a short-term, 6 to eight year investment in having a messy area in my house all the time but totally worth it!
 
I also highly recommend that all devices are charged in public places.  Many families put a charging station in their kitchen or family room.
 
RULE 3: Set Time Limits and Stick to Them
The American Academy of Pediatrics says that for kids 2-5 years they should have only 1 hour a day of screens which includes TV time.  However, for kids 6 and over they say that having consistent limits on time and type are the most important things to set up.  In other words, a family with the limit of 1 hour a day and 2 on the weekends is fine but so is another family with a limit of 30 minutes of TV during the week with 2 hours of computer on the weekend.  As you can see,  these all have limits and defining them is what will help you the most.  Our kids really thrive on structure and every time they can’t tell what the structure of a situation is they see it as an opportunity to set their own limits which, when it comes to screens, they want to be unlimited.  Not good at all!  But,  what about special circumstances like COVID-19 that are going on now?  From all that I’ve read on the professional boards and articles from people who know way more than I do,  we can relax the limits in extenuating times but as you relax them and rely on them a bit more to provide much needed mental health for yourselves and your kids remember to still have limits.  If you need 3 hours a day of break using computer time to do it, fine, just don’t let it be 8-10 hours a day whenever your kids are driving you crazy. 
 
We are going to talk about time limits for teens more in Part 2 but for now take in the idea that screen time is a privilege and kids don’t get it all the time just because they want it. 
 
RULE 4: Define Consequences
Here is where things go off the rails for lots of families.  How many of us set say a 30 minute limit per day and our kids just ignore us or battle us for more time, EVERY day?  It wears us out and sets us up every day to be the bad guy, doesn’t it?  What I’d recommend is having a family meeting to not only talk about what reasonable limits you want to set for daily and weekend use on which devices but also the consequences for exceeding the limits.  Let the kids if they are over the age of 4 have some say in defining the consequences, ownership in defining what happens really helps with compliance.  This allows everyone in the house to have a voice in setting both the privilege and what happens when that privilege is abused. 
 
For instance, one family set a rule of 30 minutes a day and the child who is using a device sets a timer.  When it goes off they are done.  If they fuss or fight or, heaven forbid, are found to have not started the timer the family had all agreed that the offending child would miss electronics for a day and have to do one work job to pay the family back since it drains the family energy when that happens.  This worked so-so but the child was young and at their next family meeting they decided as a family to buy a second timer that was to be used as a 5 minute warning timer.  That tweaking of the process and having the family work together to help improve the process showed that the kids had some input but the parents could still establish the most important part that screen time is limited and there was a real consequence if the rules were broken.
 
RULE 5: Use Parental Control Software
There are many ways parents can use software and hardware to assist us in the never ending battle for control of screen time.  Rule 5 has to do with us as parents being aware that there are controls available and we have to take the time to learn which ones make sense for our family and implement them. 
Both Android and Apple iOS operating systems (meaning anyone with an iPhone) have been updated in recent years to include a whole bunch of cool parental control and family control options.  Even the different apps that are currently in use like Snapchat, Instragram, TikTok and many others have parental controls.  But, how the heck do we know which ones we need and how to set them up?  It can be overwhelming and I want to provide you with a couple of helpful hints. 

1 - You need to know what devices you want to control and how

• Is it only iphones and ipads?  Or do you have Android devices too? Are the built in parental controls for time limits and accessing the internet enough? 
• Got any computers?  Are they all Apple or are they Windows or a mixture?  If you have a mix the choices are different than if you have just Windows or just Apple products.  You might also have Google in the mix which Google Family Link might be a good choice to consider.
• With multiple computers and tablets in your house products like Disney Circle, Net Nanny, WebWatcher, Zift, Bark and Family Protector might make sense.
• One thing you really need is web filters to prevent unwanted surfing. Does what you use have that available?
• Do you want to track which apps kids are using and how often?
• Do you want to control app downloads?
• Would it be helpful to limit the maturity ratings of websites or apps?
  
  

2 - What sort of access do you want to control?

• Internet only or cell phone data access?  I like to point out how most of us send our kids to school feeling that the school is doing an awesome job of filtering web content and preventing exposure to porn sites and such.  This is true.  They do filter for that on their internal networks and wireless access points.  However, any time a kid with a cell phone arrives with a data plan on campus they have unlimited access to the world wide web if they just don’t connect to the school WiFi.  Oh my, I thought walking on campus meant my kids were safe. Well, obviously that was pretty naïve of me.  Your kid might not have a cell phone in 3rdr grade but some other kid you don’t know does.  However, if your kid is, say, 6 years old and has no access to devices except at home on home WiFi and at school on their school owned and operated computers then you might be just fine.  My point is,  you need to consciously be aware of what your kids have access to at any point along this journey.  It will be a lot more than you think is my word of caution.
• Online watching like Netflix and Disney+?  There are ways to limit these but, have you done it?  Do you know how?
• Use Bark-O-Matic. This is where I recommend something that I just learned about a few months ago.  There’s a company called Bark that has screen time management software for parents which I like but what I really love is their free program called Bark-O-Matic.  You can do a google search on it or look in my show notes.  What it does is a Q&A session where you give it all sorts of info on what computers, cell phones, tablets, internet and TV services you use, apps your kids are using, and you give them your email.  They send you a full report item by item of how to set up parental controls for each type of interface.  It’s amazing!  Instructions all in one place for say someone like me who has Comcast internet on my Verizon based iPhone using Netflix, Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok and Disney+.  Yes, you’re giving them an email address but you can always opt out of their marketing programs.  These instructions are a gold mine if you ask me.  LINK to: Bark-o-Matic

 
My parting words about Rule 5 is to make sure you use parental controls when your kids are young.  It helps your whole family get into the right habits and allows for conversations about why controls are needed.
 
That said, I want to let you all know that by middle school and maybe as early as 4th or 5th grade many of your kids are going to learn from other kids how to circumvent parent controls in some way or another so be prepared to get a kick in the pants when your kid does something like setting back the clock on their iPad so they can have a new 30 minute limit or they scam off of you typing your password on your phone to figure out how they can download extra apps onto their phones.  It’ll happen but hopefully you won’t be surprised when it does. 
 
RULE 6: Allocate Family Time
 
I know this is about screen time but if a family prioritizes time with each other in non-screen ways it can build a base of family community that you’ll be able to live on always.  Have regular family movie nights or drives to the beach.  Make puzzles together or do volunteering at a local shelter.  Play board games, go putt-putt golfing, play card games, go hiking, bake cookies.  I know during COVID it’s hard to do some of those things and I am so sorry about that.  I can’t tell you enough how having enjoyable family time that everyone looks forward to can really help with screen time issues.  You need to have times where there is love and enjoyment together and it’s your job to set that up.  You also need to set aside what I call “Special Time” where each parent spends some time individually with each child.  It needs to be something the child enjoys.  It could be as simple as building Legos or racing Hot Wheels or more challenging like building a tree house.  It’s the happy times you create when they are younger that will bond you so you can get through some tough patches you might have when they are older. 
 
RULE 7: Encourage Downtime
 
In our rush-rush society our kids are constantly entertained and pushed from one activity to another.  It seems like they don’t even get a chance to breathe and when they do they get bored quickly and naturally gravitate toward screens since they are designed to entertain.  For parents we fall into the trap of letting them be entertained with screens since it helps us out,  we get some quiet time to get what we need to do done, right?  Well, that is right but I’d like to propose that we use empathy and love to allow our children to deal with boredom and encourage them to use creative options to be entertained.  They can read, do art, play basketball, recruit a sibling to play a game, whatever.  When they throw the “I’m soooo bored.” Card down you just say things like “I knowwww…” and “Wow, that’s tough. What are you going to do about it?  Would you like some ideas?”  They will want to wear you down but don’t let them.  Just keep saying “I knowww…” and “I’m sure you’ll figure something out” don’t forget to add “All this whining about not having screen time is really draining my energy.  Why don’t you go sweep the front porch?”
 
RULE 8: Model It!
 
The last rule we’re covering in this podcast is probably the hardest for parents.  It’s where we’re asked to model good digital habits.  What?!  You want ME to keep my electronics in public places?  You want me to charge my phone in the kitchen?  Yep.  I do at least to the extent possible.  In my house I modeled that I don’t have my phone next to my bed.  It is in the bathroom so that I can hear a call in the middle of the night but not there for me to fall asleep watching YouTube videos and reading texts.  I encourage all of you to put your cell phones away at dinner time.  Yes, mom or dad might have important business calls but the 20 minutes it takes to have dinner should be prioritized.  Sitting in front of the TV to eat dinner instead of being together at a table just isn’t good modeling and doesn’t allow for much family discussion.  Yes, you might watch a favorite show together but save it for after dinner.  If you have no other ideas start off your dinners with what each member was grateful for that day.  That should hopefully last 5 minutes, right?
 
I hope you’ve enjoyed learning how to set up some structure around screen time and electronics in your household.  Having limits and using parental controls when kids are young is really key but following through with consequences will make it real.  You might want to listen to my previous podcast on consequences if you need more ideas.  Bottomline, you have to stay on top of this stuff or it will be on top of you before too long.  In Part 2 of Screen Time Issues I will talk how to deal with screens when personal cell phones and laptops come into play.
 
That’s all for now.  I would love it if you’re listening if you can forward this podcast on to a friend or two.  There just isn’t enough practical help for parents in dealing with screens. I hope you think you’ve gained some good ideas that are worth passing on. 
 
Here's a link to Bark-O-Matic mentioned in the podcast:
BARK-O-MATIC