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It seems that many parents have to cross the threshold of their child wanting to quit an activity. It could be piano, basketball, soccer, violin, clarinet, tutoring, gymnastics, karate, whatever. Sometimes it's just private lessons that only impact your child. Other times, quitting impacts a whole a team which adds a dimension of guilt either by your child or maybe you especially if you’re the coach and your child no longer wants to play. In this podcast we’re going to talk about things to consider when running up against this issue in your own home then we will go over some real-life situations to make all a little more real.
I just want to start out saying that the reason this is so tough is because there IS NO RIGHT ANSWER. Yep, you really have to take lots of things into consideration, it's not a one-stop-shop. David Elkind, author of The Hurried Child has some helpful ideas for parents who are dealing with children who they think might be wanting to quit an activity.
I know you all like it when I make my podcasts more real so I’m going to tell you a few things about my journey with quitting as a parent. It wasn’t always easy and whining is never fun but things can turn out fine in the long run. Here are some things I thought about when my boys wanted to quit piano in early elementary school.
I use my piano story here but want to let you know that it wasn't my only parenting journey into lessons that involved quitting or moving on. I had a star soccer player who, after investing in goalie lessons in addition to club teams and such, decided he wanted to play basketball. No problem, we moved on to basketball school teams and club teams in addition to shooting lessons. It worked! He was great! But then he went off to college and he got totally hooked on rock climbing and never picked up a basketball. What's the theme? He's active and athletic. Yeah! He does play electronics but at least he has the bigger picture of taking care of his health and he truly enjoys being active.
It was worth all those lessons and all that whining. He wasn't a quitter; he was exploring life and we helped him on his journey by brainstorming and problem solving these issues when we came upon them. It wasn't always easy but life wasn't meant to be.
In retrospect, would I have done things differently? No. My journey worked out just fine. My boys moved on to start and stop many interests over the years. They didn’t stop learning and growing but did take a big pause with music. The happy ending was that when both our kids got to middle and high school, they both knew enough music to do really fun things with it. One even got to go to march in the Obama inaugural parade and both were in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as percussionists. Today, one son is even writing his own music, investing his own money in lessons and equipment. Their journey wasn’t a quitter's journey and neither was mine.
I hope you found this all encouraging as you are challenged with kids who want to quit.
It seems that many parents have to cross the threshold of their child wanting to quit an activity. It could be piano, basketball, soccer, violin, clarinet, tutoring, gymnastics, karate, whatever. Sometimes it's just private lessons that only impact your child. Other times, quitting impacts a whole a team which adds a dimension of guilt either by your child or maybe you especially if you’re the coach and your child no longer wants to play. In this podcast we’re going to talk about things to consider when running up against this issue in your own home then we will go over some real-life situations to make all a little more real.
I just want to start out saying that the reason this is so tough is because there IS NO RIGHT ANSWER. Yep, you really have to take lots of things into consideration, it's not a one-stop-shop. David Elkind, author of The Hurried Child has some helpful ideas for parents who are dealing with children who they think might be wanting to quit an activity.
- Children under the age of nine don’t have a clear sense of what they want. We should let them keep testing out different interests. Don’t get too resistant to your child is wanting to move on, be there to help them figure out how to try other activities instead. When my boys were little there were some soccer games where some kids picked more daisies in the field than ran, however, it didn’t mean they were terrible kids, they just plain weren’t interested. One kid moved on to piano where he was amazing and he still plays to this day more than 15 years later.
- Dr. Elkind agrees that just because a child wants to quit one thing doesn’t typically mean they want to quit everything all the time. Don’t panic when your child wants to quit something.
- We can’t really force our kids to love something they truly don’t. Trying to force kids to do an activity they truly hate can make them develop anxiety and make them even more reluctant to try other activities in the long run so be careful of pushing too hard. When kids are embarrassed at their lack of performance in front of others their anxiety can easily snowball to many other areas of their life.
- You need to involve your kids in the decision-making process but also bear in mind that kids tend to want to do EVERYTHING. Don’t let your kid’s enthusiasm in the moment allow you to overcommit them only to have to back out later. Karate or a new soccer team might sound so fun to do with friends but when you already have basketball and gymnastics with other friends it might be a bit much even if they promise to keep up with their schoolwork, chores and other activities. Keep in mind what’s a reasonable amount of activities for your child. Maybe 3 sports and after school Kumon for math tutoring and violin is too much. I know this sounds like a lot, but in Silicon Valley with our high-pressure environment, it’s not unheard of.
- With older kids, negotiate how long a period they will try a new activity before giving up. It does take time to master skills so don’t let them give up too early just because things get hard. Brainstorm with them to see if there are other issues involved or other ways you can help them over the hard parts. One family negotiated up front that their son would play an entire season of soccer but he could quit soccer if he didn’t like it after the season was finished. This worked out well since mom was one of the coaches.
- You do want to check in to see if kids want to quit because they are over scheduled, fatigued, or bored with an activity they’ve been doing too long or if they simply need more time to relax and regroup. One family who poured in years of hard work on the baseball field was shocked when their son gave it all up in his senior year of high school to pursue golf. That was a hard pill to swallow but he did move on to another sport, he didn’t stop moving. I do want to point out that in today’s world we have to be aware if our kids want to quit something just to stay home to play video games. Allow them to choose wisely what they do with their newfound extra time if you know what I mean.
I know you all like it when I make my podcasts more real so I’m going to tell you a few things about my journey with quitting as a parent. It wasn’t always easy and whining is never fun but things can turn out fine in the long run. Here are some things I thought about when my boys wanted to quit piano in early elementary school.
- How miserable is your child and your family with the whining and complaining?
- Yes, I'm being totally honest. This was a hot button for me. Every week we had to nudge and cajole our kids to practice before the next lesson. My one son loved his instructor but never wanted to practice. It's good not to give up too quickly since sometimes a child struggles when things get harder and they really can push through and get to a better place. However, sometimes it is a true lack of interest, talent or there are other competing issues. With my younger son after a year of whining we agreed to switch teachers to someone more “fun” with “fun” music selections. After another year that pretty much went through the same pattern. We had had enough. We agreed we were done. Some families do things like we did where you switch instructors, use rewards, modify schedules for breaks or practice and you really should try lots of those things. I tried many of those things but they didn't last long. Don't give up just because I did on piano, but think about it.
- Yes, I'm being totally honest. This was a hot button for me. Every week we had to nudge and cajole our kids to practice before the next lesson. My one son loved his instructor but never wanted to practice. It's good not to give up too quickly since sometimes a child struggles when things get harder and they really can push through and get to a better place. However, sometimes it is a true lack of interest, talent or there are other competing issues. With my younger son after a year of whining we agreed to switch teachers to someone more “fun” with “fun” music selections. After another year that pretty much went through the same pattern. We had had enough. We agreed we were done. Some families do things like we did where you switch instructors, use rewards, modify schedules for breaks or practice and you really should try lots of those things. I tried many of those things but they didn't last long. Don't give up just because I did on piano, but think about it.
- Who chose the activity in the first place?
- In my case, it was me who really wanted the piano lessons, something I never got as a kid. My boys were ok signing up for lessons when we started, they were even excited. But, I shouldn’t have been surprised if they didn’t like it yet I am really glad I had them try it.
- In my case, it was me who really wanted the piano lessons, something I never got as a kid. My boys were ok signing up for lessons when we started, they were even excited. But, I shouldn’t have been surprised if they didn’t like it yet I am really glad I had them try it.
- Is there a natural stopping point to exit gracefully?
- In sports there is often a team that your child will be disappointing if they quit mid-season. In our case with piano, we didn't have a team, just our son. We figured out a good time to quit and just quietly ended the lessons. Later on, in high school, our son wanted to quit band in the middle of a season. Ouch. That was a tough one. After meeting with the director and discussing things with lots of emotion and anguish, we agreed that, although it was a hard decision for him to make, one that had lots of consequences, he could live with it. Having loving people around you when decisions that are hard is what being a good parent is all about, that was the role my husband and I played. EMPATHY is the best tool at times like these.
- In sports there is often a team that your child will be disappointing if they quit mid-season. In our case with piano, we didn't have a team, just our son. We figured out a good time to quit and just quietly ended the lessons. Later on, in high school, our son wanted to quit band in the middle of a season. Ouch. That was a tough one. After meeting with the director and discussing things with lots of emotion and anguish, we agreed that, although it was a hard decision for him to make, one that had lots of consequences, he could live with it. Having loving people around you when decisions that are hard is what being a good parent is all about, that was the role my husband and I played. EMPATHY is the best tool at times like these.
- When one ends, choose another
- I love it when a family agrees to end one activity and as part of the brainstorming they allow and/or help the child pick a new activity to try. Be careful not to let your child give up activities only to replace them with electronics or other sedentary activities like I said before. In my house the boys got to choose their activities but they had to choose something, not nothing (aka electronics).
I use my piano story here but want to let you know that it wasn't my only parenting journey into lessons that involved quitting or moving on. I had a star soccer player who, after investing in goalie lessons in addition to club teams and such, decided he wanted to play basketball. No problem, we moved on to basketball school teams and club teams in addition to shooting lessons. It worked! He was great! But then he went off to college and he got totally hooked on rock climbing and never picked up a basketball. What's the theme? He's active and athletic. Yeah! He does play electronics but at least he has the bigger picture of taking care of his health and he truly enjoys being active.
It was worth all those lessons and all that whining. He wasn't a quitter; he was exploring life and we helped him on his journey by brainstorming and problem solving these issues when we came upon them. It wasn't always easy but life wasn't meant to be.
In retrospect, would I have done things differently? No. My journey worked out just fine. My boys moved on to start and stop many interests over the years. They didn’t stop learning and growing but did take a big pause with music. The happy ending was that when both our kids got to middle and high school, they both knew enough music to do really fun things with it. One even got to go to march in the Obama inaugural parade and both were in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as percussionists. Today, one son is even writing his own music, investing his own money in lessons and equipment. Their journey wasn’t a quitter's journey and neither was mine.
I hope you found this all encouraging as you are challenged with kids who want to quit.