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With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching we often drift to evaluate our parenting and ask ourselves if we’re raising children who are thankful. Are we?
Kids are self-centered from the get-go, no doubt about it. We have to teach them to be grateful for all that they have, all that we give them. But, how on earth do we do that when there's so much taking and so little giving going on around us?
First, I want to talk about entitlement – what it is and how it can grow out of control. Then I’ll go over ideas on how to nurture an attitude of gratitude in your home.
Entitlement begins when we forget that our extracurricular activities and things that we have are privileges, not expectations.
Simply put, it means that a person expects to be handed everything in life without having to work for it. They expect to treated better, they expect to have the best things and they expect others to provide it for them, because for one reason or another, they unrealistically think they deserve it.
Typically, we think of entitled children who are living on their parents’ couch in their 20’s, the ones who never get a job and won’t move out. Right? They have all the internet they can possibly use, free food in the fridge and parents that cook and clean for them so there’s no need move out when there are only crummy jobs available anyway.
That certainly sounds like an entitled child but, hey, what about if you have a younger child, maybe even a toddler. What might that entitled child look like? Hmmm….
In her book, The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic, Amy McCready describes a younger child that needs everything her way, can only see her own needs, and doesn’t take ownership over her needs and wants. We always want to believe that’s not our kid. In her book you come to realize that entitlement comes in the form of time and attention we give it’s not just materialistic things. You see, our kids demand our attention. They need us. They want us. They will do anything in their power to keep our attention and not allow us any time to ourselves. Ouch… we might be making entitled kids after all even from an early age. Let’s talk about a few ways to recognize entitlement in our homes. I’m going to go over examples of 5 areas to look at:
ENTITLEMENT AREAS
Let’s go into more detail on each of these areas of concern.
In a society so concerned with building self-esteem, we often get it completely backwards and it backfires into entitlement. You don’t build self-esteem by praise and flattery. This actually breeds entitlement and selfishness. Instead, self-esteem is built by teaching responsibility and a sense of accomplishment and gratitude can grow from there.
WHAT TO DO
So, what’s a parent to do? How can we raise grateful kids?
If you want to raise grateful kids in an entitled world, you have to make sure you’re modeling a heart of gratitude. I’m going to go over a long list of ideas, pick a few different that resonate with you now then expand the list over time!
MODEL IT
I love this list that Mandy posted on her blog called Motherhood Maniac that I think helps get us into a mindset of gratitude:
What every child needs to know
If you’d like some practical ideas about gratitude activities you can do with your family head to my Parenting Decoded Pinterest board on Gratitude. I’ll put a link to it in the show notes as well as a link to a list of picture books to read with younger kids on thankfulness and gratitude.
PINTEREST BOARD ON GRATITUDE
20 FAVORITE THANKSGIVING BOOKS
Final thoughts: Practice patience. Gratitude takes years of practice so we as parents need to practice patience and keep modeling for them. Do it over and over in lots of different ways. It will make a lifetime of difference.
With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching we often drift to evaluate our parenting and ask ourselves if we’re raising children who are thankful. Are we?
Kids are self-centered from the get-go, no doubt about it. We have to teach them to be grateful for all that they have, all that we give them. But, how on earth do we do that when there's so much taking and so little giving going on around us?
First, I want to talk about entitlement – what it is and how it can grow out of control. Then I’ll go over ideas on how to nurture an attitude of gratitude in your home.
Entitlement begins when we forget that our extracurricular activities and things that we have are privileges, not expectations.
Simply put, it means that a person expects to be handed everything in life without having to work for it. They expect to treated better, they expect to have the best things and they expect others to provide it for them, because for one reason or another, they unrealistically think they deserve it.
Typically, we think of entitled children who are living on their parents’ couch in their 20’s, the ones who never get a job and won’t move out. Right? They have all the internet they can possibly use, free food in the fridge and parents that cook and clean for them so there’s no need move out when there are only crummy jobs available anyway.
That certainly sounds like an entitled child but, hey, what about if you have a younger child, maybe even a toddler. What might that entitled child look like? Hmmm….
In her book, The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic, Amy McCready describes a younger child that needs everything her way, can only see her own needs, and doesn’t take ownership over her needs and wants. We always want to believe that’s not our kid. In her book you come to realize that entitlement comes in the form of time and attention we give it’s not just materialistic things. You see, our kids demand our attention. They need us. They want us. They will do anything in their power to keep our attention and not allow us any time to ourselves. Ouch… we might be making entitled kids after all even from an early age. Let’s talk about a few ways to recognize entitlement in our homes. I’m going to go over examples of 5 areas to look at:
- Giving instant gratification
- Rewards are expected
- Boundaries are not respected
- Life is supposed to be “Fair”
- Providing constant entertainment
ENTITLEMENT AREAS
Let’s go into more detail on each of these areas of concern.
- Giving instant gratification
- Every time our kids want something and we give it to them they come to expect whatever it is – a toy, a sandwich, picking them up, waking them up in the morning, picking up their clothes, giving them your phone while at a restaurant, tying their shoes, When our kids are shopping and they see a toy and have to have it NOW and we give in, that turns into entitlement. They come to expect it. Our whole society is becoming dominated by getting everything now, now, now.
- Rewards are expected
- Giving money for chores and paying for good grades can easily fall into this category but so is going out for ice cream after your child has behaved nicely at grandmas or the doctor or wherever. When our kids EXPECT to get rewarded, it’s not a reward and will lead to a child feeling entitled to that “reward”. To see if you have an entitled child run this experiment, try withholding the reward and see what their reaction is.
- Boundaries are not respected
- Lots of parents try to set boundaries but then their kids ignore them. Why should they have to go to sleep at a certain hour or get off electronics? Mom and dad always say that I should get off, but they never make me so why should I believe them when I really want to play more. The expectation is that mom and dad can be ignored.
- I don’t feel like sitting in my chair during dinner so I’m going to get up and play. Mom always runs after me with food, so I’ll never starve. I hate vegetables anyway.
- You can tell if this is a problem area for you by asking yourself, “Who’s running this show?”
- Life is supposed to be “Fair”
- Our kids get the impression that just because their friend got a new set of boots or maybe a new iPhone, doll, Lego set, whatever, that they should too. “It’s not fair!” is declared in many homes. Entitled kids think that life’s supposed to always be fair. My friend was telling me how her 7th grader was complaining that his best friend just got a brand-new iPhone, but he not only got an older and cheaper model phone he also had to pay for half of it. It’s not fair is what he told his mom. Mom is practicing empathy and going braindead with: “I know…” and “That’s so sad…”
- Providing constant entertainment
- We program our kids to think they should be entertained 24/7, that mom and dad should make sure there are things to do for them all the time. It could be sports, music or art lessons, playing in the park, playing Legos at home, playdates with friends or, heaven forbid, playing with electronics. If there is a pause or silence, the void is expected to be filled by the parents.
In a society so concerned with building self-esteem, we often get it completely backwards and it backfires into entitlement. You don’t build self-esteem by praise and flattery. This actually breeds entitlement and selfishness. Instead, self-esteem is built by teaching responsibility and a sense of accomplishment and gratitude can grow from there.
WHAT TO DO
So, what’s a parent to do? How can we raise grateful kids?
If you want to raise grateful kids in an entitled world, you have to make sure you’re modeling a heart of gratitude. I’m going to go over a long list of ideas, pick a few different that resonate with you now then expand the list over time!
MODEL IT
- Stop complaining. Yep, this one is about you. Our kids watch us like hawks from a very early age. If every time something goes wrong in our lives, we complain about it, they will learn to complain as well. Most of us don’t even realize that our complaining is an example of entitlement. Whether you’re complaining about traffic, the weather, a crummy boss or not being able to go on vacation, cut back your complaining.
- Reframe things in a positive way and give empathy that life’s not fair
- When we do have disappointments, which will happen every day, show your kids how we can reframe them in the positive.
- It’s a rainy day and we can’t play outside. How disappointing. Maybe we can make some hot chocolate and play a game.
- Gosh, there’s so much traffic out here, it sure can be frustrating. Maybe we can play a spelling game as we drive.
- I’m sorry your red shirt is in the washer. It’s so fortunate you have so many other shirts to choose from.
- Kelly got a new iPhone for her birthday? Technology sure does change fast! It sure would be fun to have all the latest and greatest gadgets but that’s not the way our family operates.
- Billy got a better grade than you did on the last test. That sure is tough. What can you do next time to do better? I love how you are getting smarter every year. It sure is a challenge!
- Teach delayed gratification
- It’s fine to address your child’s urgent needs like going to the bathroom or eating a meal. However, when it comes to things they “want”, delay it.
- Encourage your kids to have a “want” list going in your house. Allow them to use their money to buy their own toys, the kind where they have to save up and remember to bring their money to the store in order to buy that precious toy. Listen to my Money podcast to see how to set up how kids can earn money for their own rewards.
- Teach the value of hard work and chores
- By allowing our kids to help in chores they are more likely to appreciate efforts of others who are doing chores for them.
- Have your kids start chores at an early age so that they gain a respectful understanding that life consists of hard work and work that’s not always all that exciting. My kids used to fold socks and set the table from an early age. Starting early is easiest but if your kids are older and you haven’t given them any yet, start something. Laundry is my favorite chore to give kids since it only affects them. Check out my Chores podcast for more ideas.
- Set healthy boundaries and say NO
- Our kids need to have healthy boundaries and know that when we say NO, we mean NO. Lots of kids are always whining and pushing on us to get us to do things because they know if they push long and hard enough that sometimes they’ll give in. It actually gives them peace of mind to know what the rules and limits are as long as we set loving rules and limits. In my Family Meetings podcast I talk about how to set Family Rules in a loving and team-like manner. One rule I love is when families let kids know that when they get up from the dinner table it signals that they are done with dinner. Their plates are quickly cleared to demonstrate the rule even if the child hasn’t eaten much. They’re welcome to have carrots but dinner is done.
- Teach your kids about money
Teaching your kids about money can help keep the “entitlement syndrome” at bay rather than feeling like everything should be handed to your kids. Listen to my podcast about Money and learn all sorts of tips for getting gratitude into your kids’ lives through saving and giving in addition to spending. - Do a charity project. You can do something as simple as helping out a neighbor. It doesn't have to be large but as your kids grow the projects you choose can grow too. For years my family made bag lunches for the homeless and wrapped gifts at Family Giving Tree. Yes, I had to set it up and I’d try to gather other families with kids the same ages but, we did it. We did it regularly. A friend was telling me how his family of 5 boys always went out with their church to clean up a highway with Adopt-a-Highway once a month. If you’re family loves the beach, do a beach cleanup either with or without an organized group.
- Expand your family’s cultural experiences. Encourage relationships and exposure to other cultures, lifestyles and economic levels. When my son was in high school, I insisted we go build houses with our church in places of extreme poverty in Mexico. My other son and I went to a remote village in Guatemala and helped with a medical mission. But no one needs to go across any borders to expose their families to something that’s different. Most of us can go just across town. Find ways to explore. Go to cultural festivals. Learn about different religions or ethnicities or points of view.
- Practice acts of kindness together to teach empathy. We have two kids in our neighborhood who walk the dogs of an elderly couple who can’t walk them as much as they used to. I fix soup for my elderly neighbor and pick up her paper when she’s not feeling well. I gather the young families at my church together to pick up trash in local parks a few times a year. Kids love to help and help with joy when we’re all together modeling the joy of giving back.
- Use gratitude in your daily conversations. Some families have each person keep a gratitude journal and write three things a day in it. I did this with my youngest and it was helpful in resetting his frame of mind. It wasn’t a quick fix though, it needed to be modeled for a long time. Other families go around the dinner table on Sunday nights and take turns saying things they are grateful for. Still other families do that every night at bedtime. It’s up to you. Set it up. Do it.
- Don’t give rewards all the time. This is super important. Rewards are fine as long as they aren’t expected. Your expectations for a standard for behavior should be high and every once in a while, it’s fine to go out for ice cream to celebrate some event but not every time. If your child ever starts expecting a reward it means that you’ve gone overboard as a parent and might need to dial it back.
- Limit gifts – When kids expect to have all the latest toys and gadgets each holiday or birthday, we’re creating entitled kids. I will talk more in my next podcast about gift-giving, but I want to mention one family who put really great rules around their gifts to entitle-proof their family. Each family member gets four things for the holidays: something to wear, something to read, something they want and something they need. So simple! I love it.
- Donate! Be generous! Have your kids donate their old clothes and toys they grow out of. It's easier for us to pack them up and ship them out but resist the urge, have them participate. I love how some families before birthday or holidays make room for new things by clearing out things no longer used. One family I know has a family rule where for every toy that comes in the house, one goes out. That would be tough for me to do but I love that family’s commitment to not allowing our materialistic society get the better of their kids.
- Write Thank You notes. Every child should write personal Thank Yous for gifts and experiences. If grandma and grandpa took them to the zoo, have them write a thank you. I even taught my boys to make the cards and over time learned to address and stamp them too.
I love this list that Mandy posted on her blog called Motherhood Maniac that I think helps get us into a mindset of gratitude:
What every child needs to know
- Money doesn’t grow on trees.
- If you want money, you work for it.
- You may have to save up for big-ticket items.
- Everything in life is earned, money, power and respect.
- There are people who have it worse than them.
- Responsibility starts with them.
- You aren’t going to always be there to bail them out.
- Life is not fair.
If you’d like some practical ideas about gratitude activities you can do with your family head to my Parenting Decoded Pinterest board on Gratitude. I’ll put a link to it in the show notes as well as a link to a list of picture books to read with younger kids on thankfulness and gratitude.
PINTEREST BOARD ON GRATITUDE
20 FAVORITE THANKSGIVING BOOKS
Final thoughts: Practice patience. Gratitude takes years of practice so we as parents need to practice patience and keep modeling for them. Do it over and over in lots of different ways. It will make a lifetime of difference.