Blog for parenting issues and techniques

Podcast 39 – Bad Teachers: How to Deal With Them

9/1/2021

PODCAST LINK HERE

Would you like to know how to deal with your child getting a bad teacher? Having a bad teacher can feel like a prison sentence for the whole family. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about it immediately but hope for the best.
What makes it worse is when every other parent in the class starts complaining after the first day of school because they know what it is going to be like for the next nine months. Most of us know that it’s almost impossible to change classes once a class list is set which is part of the reason most schools that I know don’t post their class lists until a day or two before school starts each year. But what can you do to make the most out of the situation?

In this article I want to talk about a few things. First, what do bad teachers look like? How do they behave? Next, what can you do about it as a parent and, lastly, what can your child do about making it through the year in once piece having learned what they need to. That’s a lot to cover so let’s dive in.

First, there seem to be three kinds of bad teachers: Fluffy, Boring and Mean

What’s a Fluffy teacher?
- These are the ones that often show movies or tell personal stories, getting off topic. Often times they are super nice human beings but just don’t manage to teach much or don’t teach the topic at hand. How can you tell if your child has a fluff teacher? You might begin by asking to see the curriculum and look up the Common Core Standards to find out what your child should be learning. This will send a message that you are informed and watching. My niece had a second-grade teacher who had been a kindergarten teacher for 20 years and was moved up due to class size issues. Well, after a while my brother and his wife, who both happened to be teachers, noticed that homework coming home was kindergarten level work. I kid you not!
What’s a Boring teacher?
- These teachers just read from the script or are just unchallenging and can be deadly. One friend was in a class with a high school history teacher in her last year before retiring. That teacher could care less about teaching. She literally read the textbook. It was agonizingly boring each and every time my friend went to class. What a drudge to get through that.
What’s a Mean teacher?
- These are the scary ones. Ones that might yell and scream at the kids in their class. They might demean kids in front of others. They might deal out punishments unevenly or even play favorites where your kid isn’t the favorite. Or maybe they’re just impatient and won’t answer questions so your child comes home not knowing the material. These teachers can cause lasting damage so we need to keep our eyes and ears open if you think your child has a teacher in this category.

Julie Plagens at Mom Remade has a wonderful article about dealing with bad teachers. I’ll put a link in my podcast notes. It’s called How to Deal with A Bad Teacher: 15 Strategies to Survive the School Year
That’s a whole lot of strategies but I’m going to go over just a few that I think might really help families in this situation.

Wait and See
The first approach would be to wait and see while doing research

You need to investigate to see if things are really as bad that they seem. Sometimes our kids and their friends, not to mention other parents, can really blow things up. Gather information from multiple sources if you possibly can -- class work, opinions from other parents with kids in that class, info about how things are going in other classrooms for that same topic; that sort of thing.
You might find people who took that teacher's class last year and ask them how they got through the year. They might say "It doesn't get better but stay quiet or it gets worse." Try to find students who did well in the class and ask how they achieved that - ask to borrow their notes if they have any. Ask them if they have any tips on how to do well in the class.
Another way to research is to volunteer in the classroom if it’s allowed which it often is at the elementary level although since COVID-19 not much is allowed any more. I’d read the teacher’s emails and look over the assignments. Don’t helicopter, just be aware of what’s being studied and communicated.
You should also try to figure out what the teacher’s perspective might be, sometimes it’s not all your child says it is. Bottomline, research before taking sides. Even parent rumor mills can vary depending on how different kids reacted to the same teacher. I had one parent tell me that her son hated a particular teacher he’d had a few years before which made me a little worried but, for my son, she turned out to be one of his most favorite teachers. Go figure.
I just want to say that during this “wait and see” phase, sometimes things do settle down and kids figure out on their own how to get through each day or even start liking the teacher they were complaining about.

Communicating with the School
However, if you really feel that things need to be addressed you need to start the next phase which is communicating to the school

Teacher meetings are the starting point. Set up a meeting with the teacher and your spouse or partner.
- As you meet you need to phrase the concerns as issues that require clarification instead of an attack, like “Mr. Jones, I need your help. I’m a little confused about something. Annie said _____, but I think she may have misunderstood. Can you explain it to me?” This gives the teacher an out but implies you’re watching what’s happening at the same time. You need to tread lightly since alienating your child’s teacher is one of the worst things you can ever do as a parent since your child can suffer as a result.
If you feel unsatisfied the next step is to have a meeting with the principal or someone above the teacher like the head of a department
- Ask for a meeting with the administrator and the offending teacher together to voice your concerns. Nothing makes a teacher angrier than going over their head without giving them a chance to correct things.
- In my case, my son’s 4th grade teacher was a fluffy teacher. He and his classmates weren’t learning much at all. We parents grumbled in the background for a few months as we started to see how little our kids were learning. She was a new teacher at our school although not a new teacher to teaching, so it took us a while to see things. A few parents chatted with the principal but nothing happened. Our comments seemed to be treated as casual parent grumblings which principals here a lot of over the course of the year. It’s part of their job, right?
Community Pressure
- As a last resort, if the teacher and the principal won’t listen to you as a parent, talk to other parents and address the situation as a group. There is power in numbers. It makes a statement.
- In my case, By Feb/March of that year it was apparent that we needed to move to a united front of concerned parents. There were 5-6 families who strategically set up individual meetings with the principal over a month or so period. You could set up one meeting with lots of parents but that’s not what we chose to do. The principal got the message and that teacher wasn’t hired back. It sounds a little harsh but once a teacher is offered tenure it’s almost impossible in California to get rid of them. This didn’t help our kids that year but it certainly prevented other families from suffering in future years and we really felt heard which made us feel a little bit better.

Learn to Cope
Lastly, it seems that most of the time your child is just going to have a bad teacher and you have to help them learn how to cope with it. You can’t always have the best teacher, the best principal, or the best school. I’m sure all of us remember times when we had a bad teacher in our youth, or a bad boss or a bad co-worker. This is life. There are lessons to be learned about working with difficult people and bad teachers can turn kids into problem solvers with the right love and encouragement from their parents and peers. As possible solutions you might get extra tutoring, set up study groups, correct homework yourself or become your child’s reading or writing partner. It’s all extra work to get though the year but figure out what will make the learning happen, don’t let the bad teacher take away a whole year of learning.

If your child is 5th grade or older, if at all possible, you want to brainstorm with them on how they can handle the situation themselves. You don’t want to rescue every time and talk to the teacher for them every time they have a problem. Lots of kids are afraid of authority figures and need encouragement to stand up and be heard. What can you do to help? Feel free to role-play or even have your child write down what they might say to their teacher about an issue. Step in only after the child has tried on their own. If they don’t understand something, encourage them to stand up to the teacher and ask for extra help. It might be really scary and hard which is why I’d suggest some role-playing with how that conversation might go.

That said, sometimes a bad teacher just won’t help a kid learn. I was talking to a recent college student whose AP Calculus teacher in high school just didn’t seem to know the material and wouldn’t and couldn’t even help them. They tried talking to the principal with and without parents and nothing changed so the students in that class learned that they had to adapt. They gathered together in study groups. They traded notes. Some of them had tutors and they traded those notes. They used Kahn Academy lessons online. They learned that they could learn without that bad teacher and they all wound up passing that AP exam in spite of that teacher. It was twice as much work as they should have had to do but they did it.

In another instance, when my younger son was a junior in high school, he struggled with a teacher who was constantly picking on him. This teacher was in the boring category and my son just hated his class. He was getting a good grade but came home every day complaining about how much he hated being in that class.

After a few months I decided to challenge him. I know that great teachers have the ability to make one-on-one connections with students. They are able to do amazing things with them since their students trust them and feel seen. In this experiment, I decided to encourage my son to flip that where he’s the one who makes the connection with the teacher since this teacher didn’t seem to know him as a person and was picking on him all the time for putting his head on his desk and not participating. I told him that if he when to his tutorial period with that teacher and had a conversation about ANYTHING, I’d give him money. Yes, I am not above using money to motivate behavior of things kids don’t know how to do yet and I decided this was one of them.

So, a few days later, he and a basketball friend, who also was in that class, decided to go to tutorial and talk to this teacher who happened to be a basketball coach of one of the girls’ teams. Well, wouldn’t you know it, they talked about basketball and they even enjoyed the discussion. You know what happened? The very next class the teacher was nice and each day after he was too. That teacher “saw” my son and, you know what, I think my son “saw” him too. In chatting with him about this he even remembers that he tried harder to participate. They weren’t the best of friends or anything but things worked out. The best part is that my son learned a life lesson in how making connections can really make a difference. It was worth every penny I spent!

One of the last strategies in Julie Plagen’s article is about having a good attitude. I love this idea. Listen to what others say but always talk nicely about the teacher in front of your child. Sometimes when kids hear parents talking trash about a teacher, they’ll use it as an excuse to slack off or worse.

I interviewed a number of people young and old for this podcast from students to parents to teachers. The discussions were so much fun. It was interesting that each person could remember a bad teacher or two. Some teachers didn’t know the material. Some teachers were always unprepared. Some teachers were boring as heck. Some teachers had class pets and treated some other kids unfavorably. But you know what, all those kids made it through to college and beyond. They had loving families who supported and encouraged them. They had parents who would listen to them, help set up and augment their studies, and give them empathy when things were tough. They learned that life sometimes gave them lemons but, typically, they were able to make lemonade. Sometimes it was a year or two later but, in the end, they made it.

I know as a parent of younger children; things might seem dire and you have a right to be concerned. A young dad who has a 5th grade son just heard that his son got stuck in the class of a bad teacher for the third year in a row and is losing his joy of learning. That sucks. I’d certainly keep a close eye on that 5th grade teacher early and often. I even know families, myself included, who’ve found that moving to a different school was worth the bother as a last resort. I wouldn’t keep moving my kid every time I wasn’t happy with a teacher since it creates lots of other stressors that can be significant, but it’s worth considering.

I just want to finish up by saying getting our kids through school is certainly a journey of ups and downs. I pray this article has given you ideas for keeping the journey a little smoother.

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Podcast 34: Life Skills for Teens and Tweens

6/14/2021

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

If you ask me one of our main goals as parents is to launch kids into adult life who are responsible, independent and resilient. With those goals in mind in this episode I hope to inspire those of you parents with older kids to seize the day and open up your minds to new ideas on how to head in that direction.

In Silicon Valley our kids get lots of experience academically. They know what their grades are and how to access their online school portals. They know about homework and exams and schedules. That’s great training for getting through school but what is easy to neglect is how to train them to experience living day to day that they will face once they are out of the bubble known as home. We want them to flourish academically but often by doing so we rob them of responsibility for knowing how to live a full life beyond the walls of our homes and schools.

In this episode we’ll talk about how to get our older kids, teens and tweens, to experience the bigger picture stuff and expose them to some of the messiness of life in a loving, supportive environment where they might even mess up some. Everything from chores they should know how to do on their own to handling money, cars and how to get a part time job. I’ll talk about planning vacations in addition to how to handle routine paperwork and cooking. It’s sort of a laundry list of items I think any parent should consider when training your kids for the future.

First off, HOME STUFF OTHERWISE KNOWN AS CHORES

Laundry
This is the easiest of the chores to turn over to your kids. Whether they do their laundry or not really only affects them if you can put up with the potential of smelly clothes or a smelly room. You teach them how to use the washer, how to separate clothes into darks and lights, how to spray stains and what the capacity of the washing machine is.

When I turned over laundry to my sons, I did all those steps for teaching them but we still stumbled on something that not even I knew. Did you know that clothes can mildew if they sit in the washer for days? I’ll tell you, it was certainly stinky, and my son used google to figure that one out. He got to teach me! It was certainly an affordable mistake and I’m so glad we could lovingly learn a solution together, no yelling, screaming or nagging needed.

Cooking
Every kid should be able to cook a few basics before they leave your home whether it’s mac ‘n cheese or scrambled eggs. I knew a parent whose child went off to college not knowing how to scramble an egg and the college had no room in the dorms, so their daughter had to go into an apartment that first year. Well, the dad took off work and went to stay nearby so that he could help his daughter with getting used to dealing with food – buying food at a grocery store and learning to cook. Wow. It really blew me away and that is certainly an extreme example, but I do regularly run into parents who don’t want their kids in the kitchen because they’d make a mess. If that’s you, please let your kid make a mess and then, show them how to clean up! That’s part of the process. You show them how to restore the kitchen to its original condition. But there can be so much joy in a family kitchen where kids own cooking a meal all the way from selecting a meal to shopping, chopping and sauteing or grilling. In the summertime, we had our boys cook twice a week. One of the days one would choose a main meal and the other would choose a side to go with it then they’d switch the second day. It really helped instill in them a love and enjoyment for cooking together but also the process of taking care of getting food onto the table.

Cleaning House
Teaching your kids how to clean sinks and toilets as well as vacuum and how to clean windows so there aren’t streaks is what I’m talking about. If there’s a clog in the toilet, show them how to clear it and the next time, they get to do it. Show them how to prevent toilet rings and deal with calcium buildup if you have hard water. These are all sorts of things that we adults take care of way too much. Have them clean the hair out of the drain in the bathtub or shower or take down cobwebs or clean the dust off of ceiling fans or light fixtures. If you want to be creative, hold a family meeting and come up with a list of the chores in the house they’ve never done before and set a goal for how many they do each week of the summer. Whether it’s three a week or one a week, have it be something.

Yardwork
Summer is a wonderful time to get out as a family and teach your kids about trimming and mowing lawns. Let them learn about clippers and weed pullers as well as fertilizers and bug control. Ants, rats, mice, roaches and other pests are something they should know about. Yes, they can be yucky and gross but… life isn’t all roses, is it?

Painting
Have your kids help paint their room or a fence or a house. Let them know how much work it can be and that being careful with paint is really important. Knowing how to clean brushes, open paint cans and store paint for future use helps give them perspective on what it takes to make a house look nice. If you want and can afford it, pay them for this extra work.

Now, let’s move on to more ADMINISTRATIVE roles outside the house.

Money
If there’s one skill that I think parents today neglect more than any other it’s how to deal with money. If you have a teen, they should have a checking and a savings account with an ATM card. If you give your kids any money, transfer it using some online method. I have a whole podcast about dealing with money and you should really implement all of it but, if you don’t have time, at least do this part. You want your kids to learn about running out of money and overdrafts and how to write a physical check even if hardly anyone does it anymore. My boys were a bit shocked at how little their peers in college knew about how to handle their finances and how most of them had their parents paying and keeping track of the bills that needed paying. I gave my boys lump sums of money to cover their tuition, rent and other living expenses. We talked about how to manage that money and when bills needed to be paid either online or by sending checks. They knew the money was limited and needed to be treated with respect. It can be scary but these life lessons with money allow them to grow and you need to let them do that while you can be around to help them.

Filling Out Forms
Whether it’s going to the doctor’s office and being handed a clipboard with forms to fill out or a permission slip to go on a field trip, your child needs to do all the filling in the spaces, all but one. My boys knew that the only thing I’d be doing with forms once they hit about 5th grade was signing them. All of this form filling out stuff flows into their college app process. They need to own the process and set up all accounts and signups for things like the SATs and ACTs as well as submitting their forms to colleges. I’m not saying you can’t coach and assist but they need to do the grunt work themselves. It takes time and they need to know that if they want something, it’s worth the time invested. If you’re doing all the filling out and submitting, you’re robbing them of owning the process and their lives.

Get a Job
One area more than any other that kids learn about responsibility and money at the same time is having them get a job. It can be a part-time summer job at an ice cream place or summer camp, at a restaurant or a construction site or they could be a nanny for a family or a dog walker. It could be year-round or just the summer. The encouragement I want to give you all is for it to be something, anything! It was always interesting to see how kids who became lifeguards had to learn about how to vie for schedules or trade slots to go on vacation. They had to learn to deposit their checks and that they had to wait to get paid. For my son at a restaurant, he learned about shared tips and how some workers worked harder than others. Another kid was 18 and old enough to drive for DoorDash, He got to learn about how some folks are generous with tips and other people don’t give a dime. They learn sooooo much that a school can never teach them. For some kids it helps them solidify plans to go to college so they can get better paying jobs. Not a bad outcome to say the least.

Alarm Clocks/Keeping On Time
Your kids need to own their own time. Let them have the natural consequences of disappointing or pissing off teachers, coaches or friends. Let it be their deal, not yours. The more we continue to own their schedule and nag them to keep on time, the less they need to keep track. Let your kid be late for soccer practice or to their violin lesson. Let them forget to turn in a paper that you know is due. The earlier you let them own their own time, the less painful the mistakes will be to correct. Middle school is a much gentler place to learn lessons about time, don’t you think? Again, no yelling or telling needed. Just let them own it.

Vacation Planning
If you are fortunate enough to be able to take a vacation as a family, allow your kids to do some planning and research. By middle and high school, they are experts at roaming around on the internet, let them plan one day of your trip from the museums or sporting events to where to eat or stop to fill up your car. Let them help pack the family car to get all that camping gear in. It’s hard work and takes practice especially when you’ve got lots of stuff. If you’re taking an airline, have them help look up flights and input things like frequent flyer numbers and all the logistics with baggage and hotels. Even if you’re just taking a hike locally, let them pick a new hiking location instead of you announcing where you’re hiking. Share the load and let them learn!

Cars
If your teen drives or plans to drive you really need to seize the day. If you have the opportunity and the financial means, please have your kids learn how to drive when they are in your home. I’m in California and kids here can get a learners permit at 15 and ½ and can drive at 16 but have to have a learners permit and drive with a parent or an adult for 6 months. However, once they turn 18 the 6 months of practicing with an adult drops away. If they get lucky with their behind-the-wheel test at that point they can pass without much practicing at all.

In Silicon Valley, parents think they are doing their kids a favor by letting them focus on academics and not worry about driving. However, here’s what happened to a friend’s son. This dad allowed his son to only focus on academics. He graduated from high school, spent one month learning to drive, took his test, passed and then flew to college and didn’t drive again until the next time he was home. How good a driver do you think he was? My gut says he was still too nervous to go on a freeway and he’ll be a nervous driver potentially for a long, long time. I have to admit that teaching my boys to drive was nerve wracking and one of the hardest and scariest things I did as a parent, but it really helped give them time to grow and respect driving and the responsibility they had when behind the wheel.

In addition to training them to be a good driver, we need them to know about car insurance by having them help pay for their portion and car maintenance. Washing and vacuuming a car is the first step and then moving on to things like changing the oil and knowing how to check tire pressure and when to do all those things. Even if very few people these days actually change their own oil, we can at least have them go to an oil change service center to learn what that’s like. Hey, it can help you out as well since after the first time you go together, they can do it for you.

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My Favorite Parenting Books!

5/10/2021

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Over the years I've found some really great parenting resources in books, yes.. old-fashioned books, imagine that! With all the technology we have invading our lives it's amazing how some things about parenting just haven't changed much. Our kids still throw tantrums, if there are siblings, they still fight and, by golly, just about everyone struggles with getting their kids to do their chores on time or at all.

Here's a partial list of books that I've found really helpful that some of you might enjoy. Some are on audible if you'd rather listen!

Classic Love and Logic Books: I started my parenting work using these two books which are amazing resources for all parents. The second one is meant for parents of teens which isn't my favorite book for parents of teens but it's pretty up there.

Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Jim Fay and Foster Cline
Parenting Teens with Love and Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood by Jim Fay and Foster Cline

Grit and Perseverance Books: I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these books. I am constantly trying to find ways to help parents know how and when to push their kids so they'll succeed on their own with a supporting environment. Both these books promote grit and perseverance without all the parental interference that mucks things up in our high pressure world.

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
Mindset - Updated Edition: Changing The Way You think To Fulfil Your Potential by Carol Dweck

Books for Parenting Teens and to Adulthood: Both these books are so helpful for getting ideas on how NOT to over parent your teen yet develop respectful and helpful relationships that will help them grow. Both these authors happen to be from Silicon Valley.

How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott Haims
The Grown-Up's Guide to Teenage Humans: How to Decode Their Behavior, Develop Trust and Raise a Respectable Adult by Josh Shipp

Got any books you love? Please email ones you love so I can add to my list!

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Podcast 26: Lying, Cheating and Stealing - What to do?

2/9/2021

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

Many parents get very upset when we catch our children lying, stealing or cheating. In this podcast I want to go over why kids might lie, what strategies we might use to address the lying and how age might influence our reactions. Lastly, I’ll talk about how to repair trust which has been broken and what consequences might be appropriate.

These situations are stressful for every parent and throw us into a vast array of emotions ranging from anger to disappointment and hopelessness depending on the age of the child and the frequency of the offenses. This whole issue attacks our basic tenet of trust. When a child lies, they break our trust. When our kids are little it’s fairly easy to maneuver them in the right direction. As they age, the breaking of trust becomes more and more difficult to repair.

When we act very authoritarian and harshly punish such behavior, it often has the opposite affect and winds up increasing the bad behavior.

Why does lying bug us?
Honesty is critical to healthy relationships, having integrity and resolving problems.
Dishonesty can lead to heaps of trouble in the long run which nobody wants for their kids.

Why do kids lie? What is it about lying that comes so easily into our kids’ lives? In researching for this topic, I found that there seem to be categories for lying that can help us to put a child’s behavior into a better perspective.

Test out a new behavior – This is when they just want to see your reaction. What will mom do when they steal the candy from the pantry? I think of this for little kids mostly who are new to lying and its repercussions. But could be a teen who is trying to test the boundaries in different ways to see if they get caught or not. Taking a beer from the fridge or talking online with a stranger.
Enhance self-esteem and gain approval – I call this the Bragging Syndrome where an insecure kid tries to puff themselves up to impress others. They tell their friends they’re the best at something or own something that others might want. They want to fit in so they inflate themselves in ways they think will help them but often times it backfires and their self-esteem takes even more hits.
For personal gain – This might be cheating on a test or taking money from someone’s wallet. It could be shoplifting for items you can’t or aren’t allowed to have. Maybe it’s setting up accounts on Instagram and Snap Chat that aren’t allowed. You know what the most common lie I hear from parents for this category is these days? Sneaking computer time and lying about it.
To avoid punishment – let’s say your kid broke something, or colored a wall with markers, maybe pushed their annoying little sibling over. They are afraid you’ll punish them so when we ask: “Who did this?” you get a: “Not me!” Don’t be surprised.
When I was about 9 or 10 I broke my mom’s hair dryer but I’m from such a big family that when all of us said: “Not me!” I was never found out. I had no idea what the punishment would have been, I just knew I didn’t want it and isn’t it amazing that 50 years later I still remember the incident. It was an accident, but it turned into something much more.
To avoid doing something – When I asked parents in my Parenting Decoded FB group about lying examples I have to say, this is probably the most common. Kids lie about brushing their teeth, washing their hands, finishing their homework, putting away their clothes, cleaning their room, turning in their homework, logging off the computer, taking out the trash. They’d just rather not do any of those things, so they lie about it and say they did.
Get the focus off themselves – Sometimes if a kid is depressed or not doing well, they will say things that we parents want to hear.
- Are you feeling ok today?
- Did you take your medicine?
- Did you finish your homework?
- Did you get enough sleep?
- How are you doing with your friends at school?

You can imagine the answers from a kid who is struggling in any of those areas. You later find out they said what you wanted to hear and are hurt and/or mad that they “lied” to you.

Speak before they think – with some kids who have ADHD they sometimes just blurt things out without a filter and without actually thinking about it and it comes out sounding like a lie. If they took a few cycles to think, it would come out differently, but sometimes they don’t those cycles.
Spare people’s feelings with white lies – This is a tough one since it requires taking into account other people’s feelings. “I really like your new outfit”, “You’re really good at drawing.” “I love my present from you.”

Ok, now that we have a reference guide for different types of lies,

What do we do about them?

Well, in a blog from Child-Psych.org they elaborate on three main goals for parents when dealing with lying:

First, getting to the truth in a positive way, then figuring out how to make amends and, lastly, how to learn from the mistake of lying.

Know the truth and have kids share it – it’s really important that there is trust in the household. If kids have a problem they are afraid to share about, they will be tempted to lie especially if they think there might be a harsh punishment coming. Not having harsh punishments for telling the truth while they are young will help build trust so that as they get older, they’re more likely to share and not lie. You want to try setting up rewards for honesty which in the case of lying is that there will be less of a consequence for telling the truth than hiding it.
In the example of kids not washing their hands when they say they did and you know they didn’t, instead of putting them on the spot and calling them a liar, you can gently say something like, “Hmmm… it seems like I see some dirt still on your hands. Can you please re-wash them for me?” Or they didn’t do their homework and you can see their unfinished work on the table, “Wow, this is so strange, is this the homework that was supposed to be turned in? Did you want to tell me about it? Is there something you need help with? I won’t be mad if you tell me since in our family telling the truth is really an important value.”

I’d recommend having a Family Meeting occasionally to talk about your family values and how honesty is promoted and protected. You might even set up a family honor code and post it so everyone can be reminded of it. The really important thing is that it’s discussed and debated by everyone in the family, not just an edict coming down from mom and dad.
Kids can make amends – if the child’s behavior affects someone or something then you need to encourage making amends. If they’ve broken a window and lied about it, paying for a new window would be appropriate. If they lied and it impacted someone like they hit their sister or ate all the cupcake toppings that were to be used for an upcoming party, they have to repair the damage. I’m a firm believer than forcing a kid to say “Sorry” in a resentful, under the breath tone isn’t helpful at all. It only creates embarrassment and resentment. If sister was hurt, maybe doing some chores for her or letting her play with some of your toys might help repair ill-will created when the child hurt their sibling. We want to teach our kids that apologies from the heart are effective. It could be writing a letter, drawing a picture or baking cookies instead of a forced “I’m sorry.”
Kids learn from mistakes – let kids know that we all make mistakes. Lying is just a mistake that we get to help figure out how not to do in the future. We need to talk to them about how honesty will get us further in life than lying and cheating. Brainstorm with them how to recover from making bad choices when they lie or cheat. If they get caught cheating on an exam or copying someone else’s work, what can they learn? Keep calm. Find out what’s really going on instead of heading right into punishing. Kids lie when they feel cornered, help them get out of the corner by spending time with empathy and love to figure out the root cause.

Age based Ideas on Dealing with Lying
Now that we talked about the three goals, I want to go over how we might apply them at different ages. Parents.com wrote a useful age-based guide that I’ll go over briefly here and reference in my podcast notes.

Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2-4)
Lots of little kids can’t even quite tell truth from lying so these years are critical for adults to set the stage that kids don’t need to rely on lying to solve problems. Kids are going to experiment so you gently and diplomatically send a response back instead of “Did you eat the cookie?” which leads to an immediate tantrum or meltdown, try something like “Did somebody eat a cookie? Those mustn’t be crumbs on your chin.” No need to have consequences but I might pull out some books to read at bedtime that talk about lying. Once they hit about 4, they are more aware of the concept and might introduce a whopper or two. One of my parents used a wonderful technique when her son lied by saying they were going for ice cream when they for sure weren’t. After he announced it this wise mom said, “I know you wish that were true. I love ice cream too.” Then she just kept moving on. It’s common at this age that wishful thinking becomes statements that appear to be lies. It’s great to treat them as wishful thinking in a kind and generous way.

School Age (ages 5-8)
At this stage they tend to tell more lies to test what they can get away with. For example, One 5-year-old was testing her new abilities so much that she was proudly telling her little brother she was a better liar than he was. Too funny. Mom and dad will have some fun dealing with that. At this stage though most lies are easy to detect – they didn’t brush their teeth, didn’t do their reading, didn’t check over their spelling, watched more TV than allowed. Talk openly and continue to read stories together. Don’t forget to praise them when they are honest. Be careful at this stage that you’re modeling honesty yourself. If you tell kids to pretend they are younger than they are to get a discount meal at a restaurant or a ticket at a theme park, you need to consider what message that is sending to your child’s growing sense of right and wrong? I know lots of families do this, but at what cost?

Tweens (9-12)
I always consider these foundational years for cementing your relationship before teen mindset and independence sets in. Kids at this stage are pretty savvy and have already a strong sense of right and wrong. When they lie, they may have strong feelings of guilt. Being available for conversations about honesty is super helpful. Talk about how honesty impacts our lives. When they mess up, brainstorm about it. Have some special time with that child for a gentle discussion. At this age you talk about things like “little while lies” and how to use them if they’re needed to protect people’s feelings. Maybe brainstorm if there are ways to be thoughtful without using white lies to get by.

I know lots of parents at this stage are hit by lies relating to computer use. “Yes, I’m just studying with my friends.” While you can see they have a YouTube window open. Or, “I need to use my computer for a project this evening.” And you find out they’re on Minecraft instead and they’ve hidden it from you. Or, in more serious offenses, they’ve wandered all over the internet chatting with strangers and creating social media accounts that you can’t even begin to figure out where and how many there are.

One thing I can say is for you to take a deep breath. Trust is earned and you have to rollback things to allow your kids to regain your trust. In the case of computer issues it might be that you move their electronics into a public place. This online learning that we’re in right now has really messed everything up since we really want all electronics in public places anyway but right now it’s almost impossible to do that. One mom was thinking about removing YouTube from the school laptop, but her son would miss out on studies. Maybe it’s that they put YouTube only on the computer in the Family Room until they come up with a better way to know they can trust him to make better choices.

Teens (13-18)
In this older stage we need to do that work to listen and modify. If there’s a lot of lying at this stage it’s a call for help. Your child doesn’t feel safe telling you things and you need to get the door open. Have you been too punitive in the past? Did you blow up when there’s a problem with lying or cheating? If you’re behavior makes them want to take a step back from you, that’s the wrong direction. Figure out ways they can trust you won’t blow up if they have something you’re not going to like hearing. For some this is setting aside special time to brainstorm but for others you might need to involve a counselor to help negotiate things.

How do you encourage honesty?

Let them know truth is easier and reduces consequences especially when planning ahead.
1. Say your kid has been drinking at a party. They could lie about it but you want them to call to be picked up so you have to strike a balance and have an open dialogue ahead of time, so no lying is needed.
2. If they don’t turn in an assignment, find out why. Was it too hard? Did they have too much homework? Were they bored with the work? Talk about what could be done about it.
3. If they cheated and copied someone’s test or paper and got caught. Talk to them about what was up with that. Are they feeling too much pressure to perform? Do they need assistance to catch up? Again, are they overloaded? Bored? Tired? Bullied? Try to get to the bottom of the why instead of just punishing the deed. Every time at this stage you’re able to get to the heart of what’s really going on its another avenue you’ve set up in being able to communicate with your teen.
Let kids know we don’t expect perfection - Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you know matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So, I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.
Don’t label your kid a liar, it’s the behavior, not the kid. Don’t set up your child for feeling bad about themselves that we wind up setting up a pattern of lying, as if we expect them to lie since they’ve been labeled a liar.
Don’t corner your child – if you already know they lied and put them on the spot. If you know they didn’t do their homework just say it. “I know you didn’t do it. Let’s talk about why that’s not a good idea and what to do about it.”

Ideas for Repairing Trust
For those of you who know Love and Logic techniques one thing to integrate into the repair of trust can be Energy Drain. It really is an Energy Drain when you’re lied to. You can use this with empathy and love to allow them to fill back up your energy by doing acts of service or chores around the house. Maybe they’ll clean out the garage or scrub those garbage cans that go to the street. One of my boys cleaned the gutters when he broke our trust. He was a great kid and just happened to make a poor choice. He was glad to do that chore to fill back up our energy that he had drained and get himself right with us again. If you want more examples take a listen Episode 10 on Consequences.

I want to finish up telling you a story about Cheese Pizza. It’s from Natasha at Reading Is Better Than Chocolate. She was raised in an authoritarian household. They were to do as they were told, no questions, no arguments. Mistakes were punished harshly and lies were included in that. Her response? She just weighed up the odds of getting caught and lied at every turn. Yikes. Now that she’s a mom she needed to come up with a vastly better plan especially since she had made lots of poor choices by the time she was an early adult.

Her idea as a mom was to cultivate a program of trust and love from the get-go. She and her son developed a code word that they agreed upon ahead of time. Whenever her son said the code word it would create a magic spell where mom would have to listen calmly and NOT lose it. They had fun choosing a word together. They settled on CHEESE PIZZA. Well, they posted that word in their kitchen on the fridge so everyone could see it with some simple rules that when the word was said that mom would take a deep breath, count to five and then not lose it. In only 3 days her son came home from school and said CHEESE PIZZA! Mom took her breath, counted to five and they sat down. He had torn his new trousers at school. He was able to tell his mom that he was happily playing on the playground when it happened. She gave him a squeeze and thanked him for being truthful.

She’s hoping that setting this up when he’s young they’ll have lots of practice so if the issues get bigger than holes in knees they’ll have something to use to help them through. This story doesn’t say to let your kids get away with not helping to pay for new pants, which I think you should brainstorm how that happens, but it’s about getting to the heart of your child so that they feel you’re on their side and they’re safe to tell you even hard things. Life will get hard and how we respond is going to impact how and when our kids are willing to come to us. Make your own plans for CHEESE PIZZA in your house.

Natasha has a wonderful list of books in her article that you can use to talk to your kids about lying and I’ll put the link in my podcast along with another article about books and honesty from ChildrensLitLove.com. Books can be so helpful as jumping off points for discussions with our kids especially when they’re younger. One book parents of teens and tweens can certainly learn from is “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk”. Communication is key to maintaining a loving relationship that will last a lifetime!

I hope these ideas on how to handle lies and lying in your house are helpful. Please share this with other families. If you’d like a transcript of this or any of my podcasts, they are always attached to my episode notes and on my website. Feel free to email questions to mary@parentingdecoded.com or join my Facebook Group for more chatter on parenting topics.

Resources Mentioned:

How to Handle Your Child’s Dishonesty by Child-Psych.org
Why Kids Lie from ChildMind.org by ChildMind.org
Cheese Pizza Idea from Natasha at ReadingIsBetterThanChocolate.com
Lying Guide By Age from Parents.com
Honor Code Ideas by ReadBrightly.com
Favorite Picture Books on Honesty from ChildrensLitLove.com
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish

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Podcast 22: Gratitude vs. Entitlement

11/19/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching we often drift to evaluate our parenting and ask ourselves if we’re raising children who are thankful. Are we?

Kids are self-centered from the get-go, no doubt about it. We have to teach them to be grateful for all that they have, all that we give them. But, how on earth do we do that when there's so much taking and so little giving going on around us?

First, I want to talk about entitlement – what it is and how it can grow out of control. Then I’ll go over ideas on how to nurture an attitude of gratitude in your home.

Entitlement begins when we forget that our extracurricular activities and things that we have are privileges, not expectations.

Simply put, it means that a person expects to be handed everything in life without having to work for it. They expect to treated better, they expect to have the best things and they expect others to provide it for them, because for one reason or another, they unrealistically think they deserve it.

Typically, we think of entitled children who are living on their parents’ couch in their 20’s, the ones who never get a job and won’t move out. Right? They have all the internet they can possibly use, free food in the fridge and parents that cook and clean for them so there’s no need move out when there are only crummy jobs available anyway.

That certainly sounds like an entitled child but, hey, what about if you have a younger child, maybe even a toddler. What might that entitled child look like? Hmmm….
In her book, The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic, Amy McCready describes a younger child that needs everything her way, can only see her own needs, and doesn’t take ownership over her needs and wants. We always want to believe that’s not our kid. In her book you come to realize that entitlement comes in the form of time and attention we give it’s not just materialistic things. You see, our kids demand our attention. They need us. They want us. They will do anything in their power to keep our attention and not allow us any time to ourselves. Ouch… we might be making entitled kids after all even from an early age. Let’s talk about a few ways to recognize entitlement in our homes. I’m going to go over examples of 5 areas to look at:

Giving instant gratification
Rewards are expected
Boundaries are not respected
Life is supposed to be “Fair”
Providing constant entertainment

ENTITLEMENT AREAS
Let’s go into more detail on each of these areas of concern.

Giving instant gratification
- Every time our kids want something and we give it to them they come to expect whatever it is – a toy, a sandwich, picking them up, waking them up in the morning, picking up their clothes, giving them your phone while at a restaurant, tying their shoes, When our kids are shopping and they see a toy and have to have it NOW and we give in, that turns into entitlement. They come to expect it. Our whole society is becoming dominated by getting everything now, now, now.
Rewards are expected
- Giving money for chores and paying for good grades can easily fall into this category but so is going out for ice cream after your child has behaved nicely at grandmas or the doctor or wherever. When our kids EXPECT to get rewarded, it’s not a reward and will lead to a child feeling entitled to that “reward”. To see if you have an entitled child run this experiment, try withholding the reward and see what their reaction is.
Boundaries are not respected
- Lots of parents try to set boundaries but then their kids ignore them. Why should they have to go to sleep at a certain hour or get off electronics? Mom and dad always say that I should get off, but they never make me so why should I believe them when I really want to play more. The expectation is that mom and dad can be ignored.
- I don’t feel like sitting in my chair during dinner so I’m going to get up and play. Mom always runs after me with food, so I’ll never starve. I hate vegetables anyway.
- You can tell if this is a problem area for you by asking yourself, “Who’s running this show?”
Life is supposed to be “Fair”
- Our kids get the impression that just because their friend got a new set of boots or maybe a new iPhone, doll, Lego set, whatever, that they should too. “It’s not fair!” is declared in many homes. Entitled kids think that life’s supposed to always be fair. My friend was telling me how her 7th grader was complaining that his best friend just got a brand-new iPhone, but he not only got an older and cheaper model phone he also had to pay for half of it. It’s not fair is what he told his mom. Mom is practicing empathy and going braindead with: “I know…” and “That’s so sad…”
Providing constant entertainment
- We program our kids to think they should be entertained 24/7, that mom and dad should make sure there are things to do for them all the time. It could be sports, music or art lessons, playing in the park, playing Legos at home, playdates with friends or, heaven forbid, playing with electronics. If there is a pause or silence, the void is expected to be filled by the parents.

In a society so concerned with building self-esteem, we often get it completely backwards and it backfires into entitlement. You don’t build self-esteem by praise and flattery. This actually breeds entitlement and selfishness. Instead, self-esteem is built by teaching responsibility and a sense of accomplishment and gratitude can grow from there.

WHAT TO DO
So, what’s a parent to do? How can we raise grateful kids?
If you want to raise grateful kids in an entitled world, you have to make sure you’re modeling a heart of gratitude. I’m going to go over a long list of ideas, pick a few different that resonate with you now then expand the list over time!

MODEL IT

Stop complaining. Yep, this one is about you. Our kids watch us like hawks from a very early age. If every time something goes wrong in our lives, we complain about it, they will learn to complain as well. Most of us don’t even realize that our complaining is an example of entitlement. Whether you’re complaining about traffic, the weather, a crummy boss or not being able to go on vacation, cut back your complaining.
Reframe things in a positive way and give empathy that life’s not fair
- When we do have disappointments, which will happen every day, show your kids how we can reframe them in the positive.
- It’s a rainy day and we can’t play outside. How disappointing. Maybe we can make some hot chocolate and play a game.
- Gosh, there’s so much traffic out here, it sure can be frustrating. Maybe we can play a spelling game as we drive.
- I’m sorry your red shirt is in the washer. It’s so fortunate you have so many other shirts to choose from.
- Kelly got a new iPhone for her birthday? Technology sure does change fast! It sure would be fun to have all the latest and greatest gadgets but that’s not the way our family operates.
- Billy got a better grade than you did on the last test. That sure is tough. What can you do next time to do better? I love how you are getting smarter every year. It sure is a challenge!
Teach delayed gratification
- It’s fine to address your child’s urgent needs like going to the bathroom or eating a meal. However, when it comes to things they “want”, delay it.
- Encourage your kids to have a “want” list going in your house. Allow them to use their money to buy their own toys, the kind where they have to save up and remember to bring their money to the store in order to buy that precious toy. Listen to my Money podcast to see how to set up how kids can earn money for their own rewards.
Teach the value of hard work and chores
- By allowing our kids to help in chores they are more likely to appreciate efforts of others who are doing chores for them.
- Have your kids start chores at an early age so that they gain a respectful understanding that life consists of hard work and work that’s not always all that exciting. My kids used to fold socks and set the table from an early age. Starting early is easiest but if your kids are older and you haven’t given them any yet, start something. Laundry is my favorite chore to give kids since it only affects them. Check out my Chores podcast for more ideas.
Set healthy boundaries and say NO
- Our kids need to have healthy boundaries and know that when we say NO, we mean NO. Lots of kids are always whining and pushing on us to get us to do things because they know if they push long and hard enough that sometimes they’ll give in. It actually gives them peace of mind to know what the rules and limits are as long as we set loving rules and limits. In my Family Meetings podcast I talk about how to set Family Rules in a loving and team-like manner. One rule I love is when families let kids know that when they get up from the dinner table it signals that they are done with dinner. Their plates are quickly cleared to demonstrate the rule even if the child hasn’t eaten much. They’re welcome to have carrots but dinner is done.
Teach your kids about money
Teaching your kids about money can help keep the “entitlement syndrome” at bay rather than feeling like everything should be handed to your kids. Listen to my podcast about Money and learn all sorts of tips for getting gratitude into your kids’ lives through saving and giving in addition to spending.
Do a charity project. You can do something as simple as helping out a neighbor. It doesn't have to be large but as your kids grow the projects you choose can grow too. For years my family made bag lunches for the homeless and wrapped gifts at Family Giving Tree. Yes, I had to set it up and I’d try to gather other families with kids the same ages but, we did it. We did it regularly. A friend was telling me how his family of 5 boys always went out with their church to clean up a highway with Adopt-a-Highway once a month. If you’re family loves the beach, do a beach cleanup either with or without an organized group.
Expand your family’s cultural experiences. Encourage relationships and exposure to other cultures, lifestyles and economic levels. When my son was in high school, I insisted we go build houses with our church in places of extreme poverty in Mexico. My other son and I went to a remote village in Guatemala and helped with a medical mission. But no one needs to go across any borders to expose their families to something that’s different. Most of us can go just across town. Find ways to explore. Go to cultural festivals. Learn about different religions or ethnicities or points of view.
Practice acts of kindness together to teach empathy. We have two kids in our neighborhood who walk the dogs of an elderly couple who can’t walk them as much as they used to. I fix soup for my elderly neighbor and pick up her paper when she’s not feeling well. I gather the young families at my church together to pick up trash in local parks a few times a year. Kids love to help and help with joy when we’re all together modeling the joy of giving back.
Use gratitude in your daily conversations. Some families have each person keep a gratitude journal and write three things a day in it. I did this with my youngest and it was helpful in resetting his frame of mind. It wasn’t a quick fix though, it needed to be modeled for a long time. Other families go around the dinner table on Sunday nights and take turns saying things they are grateful for. Still other families do that every night at bedtime. It’s up to you. Set it up. Do it.
Don’t give rewards all the time. This is super important. Rewards are fine as long as they aren’t expected. Your expectations for a standard for behavior should be high and every once in a while, it’s fine to go out for ice cream to celebrate some event but not every time. If your child ever starts expecting a reward it means that you’ve gone overboard as a parent and might need to dial it back.
Limit gifts – When kids expect to have all the latest toys and gadgets each holiday or birthday, we’re creating entitled kids. I will talk more in my next podcast about gift-giving, but I want to mention one family who put really great rules around their gifts to entitle-proof their family. Each family member gets four things for the holidays: something to wear, something to read, something they want and something they need. So simple! I love it.
Donate! Be generous! Have your kids donate their old clothes and toys they grow out of. It's easier for us to pack them up and ship them out but resist the urge, have them participate. I love how some families before birthday or holidays make room for new things by clearing out things no longer used. One family I know has a family rule where for every toy that comes in the house, one goes out. That would be tough for me to do but I love that family’s commitment to not allowing our materialistic society get the better of their kids.
Write Thank You notes. Every child should write personal Thank Yous for gifts and experiences. If grandma and grandpa took them to the zoo, have them write a thank you. I even taught my boys to make the cards and over time learned to address and stamp them too.

I love this list that Mandy posted on her blog called Motherhood Maniac that I think helps get us into a mindset of gratitude:

What every child needs to know

Money doesn’t grow on trees.
If you want money, you work for it.
You may have to save up for big-ticket items.
Everything in life is earned, money, power and respect.
There are people who have it worse than them.
Responsibility starts with them.
You aren’t going to always be there to bail them out.
Life is not fair.

I just love how that list sounds. If we are able to accomplish those things, our kids will be in good shape and be able to have an Attitude of Gratitude.

If you’d like some practical ideas about gratitude activities you can do with your family head to my Parenting Decoded Pinterest board on Gratitude. I’ll put a link to it in the show notes as well as a link to a list of picture books to read with younger kids on thankfulness and gratitude.
PINTEREST BOARD ON GRATITUDE

20 FAVORITE THANKSGIVING BOOKS

Final thoughts: Practice patience. Gratitude takes years of practice so we as parents need to practice patience and keep modeling for them. Do it over and over in lots of different ways. It will make a lifetime of difference.

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Podcast 16 - Money Matters: Teen and Tween Edition

8/1/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

In this blog I’m going to cover issues relating to money with middle and high schoolers. I will go over how to give money and how much, when to give money, and how to set up responsible money habits including how to use an ATM card, checking account, credit cards.

Money is a huge challenge for us all and at this stage your high schooler or middle schooler is at a huge crossroads with learning life skills. Dealing with money is a much-neglected skill during these years yet they are the most crucial years to allow as many affordable mistakes as possible. This makes money a prime target for small mistakes now to avoid big mistakes later. If you know someone who can’t manage money as an adult, I’m going to guess their parents didn’t teach them much about it, might have given in to every whim just to keep them happy when they were young. Hey, that adult might even be you!

If you listened to my podcast about money for younger kids, you’ll have already heard how to start a small budget for vacations and special events that I call a trinket budget. We’re going to expand on that concept greatly by including more of the day-to-day expenses our kids encounter, not just vacations and special events.

With older kids I want to help you introduce money concepts so that by the time they graduate from high school they know about budgeting, credit cards and debt. I’m even going to show you a way to tie in getting chores done which is such a bonus. You want to launch a financially responsible child into the world so that you won’t be paying their bills for the rest of your life.

Let’s get started!

Middle School – start budgeting using what I call the
Setting Limits Method - During this phase you want your child to really understand that there are limits to what they can spend instead of just opening up your wallet and spending YOUR money.

Didn’t it get you in pre-COVID days when your kid said they wanted to go to a movie with friends and you had to fork over money on the spot not only for the movie but also for the popcorn and a drink? It was for their happiness, right? That parent guilt just gets to us when it’s done in the moment. All practical thought sometimes just goes poof, right out of our heads. Or, how about your kid going to Starbucks and getting a Frappuccino and a snack because they’re hungry. That can easily be a $15 transaction if you’re not careful. I had one friend whose child went to Starbucks every day without any care as to the family budget. Another friend was conned into buying extravagant birthday presents for their kids’ friends just because mom and dad hadn’t set a reasonable spending limit.

So, here’s what we’re going to do, you will set YOUR limit of what YOU will give them by category. You will also set a money allowance that’s in an unlimited category they can do what they want with. Have a family meeting or a private meeting with each kid if you have lots of different age kids. Just do this all up front with thought and planning, no puppy dog eyes as they’re leaving for some event. Feel free to have your kids help decide on what has limits and how much. The important thing here is that they start to learn that there are limits and it’s helpful to know what they are up front so no one is surprised.

Here are some ideas for some different types of things that you can talk about but keep in mind that some of these will only apply after we move out of this COVID time that we are now in.

school supplies
birthday gifts for friends
clothes
Starbucks or other snacks
activity supplies for sports, music, etc.—like sports shoes or warmups or instruments and reeds or drumsticks and related equipment
activity fees (monthly, quarterly, by season, etc) if they are in sports, clubs or educational activities
school lunch money
movie tickets

You’re going to add up what you think is reasonable for you to pay for and give them that amount per month or when it’s appropriate. Some things you’ll still have to pay for that you can’t quite define like how many birthday presents are needed per month but you can establish a amount of what you will add to the birthday budget per birthday.

Here are more specific ideas of what a sample parent could allocate:

One Starbucks drink per week of not more than $5
School supplies of $50 per year
Lunch money for school lunch for 2 lunches per week
One movie ticket per month
Birthday gift budget of $25 per gift
Clothes budget $25 per month

Keep in mind this is for middle schoolers who don’t have a lot of freedom to roam. Put into this system whatever you can. Some parents will put in budgets for sports equipment like $75 for new basketball shoes and your kid can add their own money if they want to spend more on Air Jordans. Maybe they’ll be willing to get last year’s model instead of getting the $100 version? You won’t care, you’ll just be paying $75.

For me one of the first limits I set was for school supplies. For years prior we would head to Office Depot with the school shopping lists in hand. My boys would convince me that they needed new this and that. I was such a pushover. I caved just about every time.

Well, once I learned budgeting, I set a limit of $50 per kid, per year. I met with them and explained that they could use the money to purchase any supplies they needed but that was a yearly budget. They could choose to reuse what they already had or buy all new stuff – pencils, binders, paper, markers, erasers. I let them know it was all up to them. I loved them and was sure they’d learn to make good choices over time.

However, I also let them know, if they didn’t use all of the $50, they were welcome to use it for anything else. This incented them to be conservative and reuse much of what they chose not to in previous years. Yeah! I want to confess in previous years, I had been spending more than $75 on supplies. This was a total win for me and them.

I had friend who, after her two daughters constantly overran the data budget for their phone plans, switched them to pay-as-you-go plans and gave them a budget $15 per month. It was amusing for mom to watch how quickly her daughters used up those $15 and learned to look for Wi-Fi hot spots or wait until they got home to the house Wi-Fi instead of just constantly streaming data to their phones whenever they felt like it.

Allowance Amount
Now that we’ve talked about a simple budget I want to talk about an allowance. That’s the unrestricted money we give to our kids that they can spend on whatever they’d like. How much do you give and when is the question. As much as you think is appropriate and can afford, could be a dollar per week or $10 per month. It doesn't matter, but be consistent. I used monthly. The amounts can change as your kids get older; I usually gave them a “raise” on their birthdays.

My calculation was one dollar for each year they were old, per month. Yep… not much by some kids’ standards but that’s the point. You want kids to have to stretch and think about where to spend that precious money and how they can maybe save some on of their budget items that can move money into their unrestricted funds area. Like if they find an older pair of Air Jordans for $50 somewhere, they can pocket the extra $25 to use on something else, maybe snacks at Starbucks that you’re no longer funding?

You also want to encourage them work to earn extra money by doing extra jobs around the house or put out flyers or a post on NextDoor to offer to help their neighbors with things like dog walking, picking up mail, cleaning up dog poop or watering plants while neighbors are on vacation. A girlfriend’s son wanted a new, cool skateboard so he worked his buns off to earn the money for it. That mom also posted a list of what she’d pay for her kids to do her jobs if they wanted to earn money at their house.

All this was communicated in the open so no one was surprised by any of it. No whining and begging for “stuff”. Give them love and empathy if they don’t like it. “Oh, I know it’s hard to earn money. I’m so sorry. Let me know if you’d like some ideas. I sure love you.”

What about Giving?
When kids are young and we give them allowance and we ask them to allocate some to their “share” jar. We still want to encourage the “share” concept at this age and we can budget this item and put it in a “restricted” category that they aren’t allowed to move into their unrestricted “spend” area. They need to “share” it with a church or charity. No exceptions.

If they get birthday or holiday gifts, help them allocate some of that money into their “share” budget as well as to their savings account. Keep modeling for your kids your own giving and have discussions about how to help others with their share money.

One last thought before I head into the area of high school budgeting. There’s a super cool app that you can use for any age kid but it would be great to use for middle schoolers. It’s called GreenLight. It allows you to set up a debit card that’s controlled and monitored by you and used by your kids like a real debit card with restrictions on what stores and what amounts can be spent at certain places. It’s $4.95/month per family so it does cost a bit but it might be a good transition tool prior to high school.

Ages - High School
Speaking of high school… Every parent should jump at the chance to really step up budgeting with high schoolers. This is a crucial learning ground that will be backed up by affordable mistakes and really set up your kids for independence in college and beyond. Here are the basics:

Step 1 - Set up a checking account in their name with real checks and an ATM card that you can electronically transfer money to and from. It will probably be an account where one parent is a co-signer, that’s fine. You want your kid to swipe that ATM card to get used to our electronic payment-oriented society. If they run out of money the ATM card will stop them unlike a credit card. You can also set them up on Venmo, a popular payment app with students. Don’t be afraid to let them use it. Have them write checks occasionally too! Some kids really struggle to establish a decent signature especially since cursive is a dying art in schools these days.

Step 2 - Decide as many things as possible that your kid can pay for with YOUR money, yep, YOUR money like we did in the middle school exercise but WAY more detailed. Hey, you pay for all these things anyway so let's leverage that money to work for future independence! We’ll call this the INCOME side of the budget.
What kind of things could be added to the list:

all the items listed in the previous age range
private lesson fees – academic tutoring, sports, music, dance, whatever!
sports fees - school sports, club teams, travel for sports, etc.
lunches/meals - whether at school or outside
college applications/testing fees
prom tickets and expenses
grooming – haircuts, nails, etc.
student fees for things like yearbooks or school spirit gear

Step 3 – Next calculate things on the DEDUCTION side of the budget. Some families will have their teens pay for things like car insurance, the data plan for their phone, gas for using the family car on trips with friends, that sort of stuff. My kids had a monthly deduction for both their car insurance and data plan. Sure, I could have afforded it but I wanted them to have some skin in the game. Where did they get the money for those deductions? They could earn extra or use savings if they had to. Didn’t matter to me, not my problem.

Here’s the kicker. I talked about incorporating chores into this budgeting process and here’s what you need to do. Post a price list in your kitchen of what you’re willing to charge for doing your kids chores for them. Then, if a chore isn’t done at the agreed upon time, no problem! You just happily do the chore for them and charge them for your services. I’d advise you to pick charges that really do make you happy, don’t skimp. Taking the trash bins to the street could incur a $10 charge. How about picking up that dog poop? $10? $20? Cleaning the dishes? Making their beds?

When you actually do a chore, I’d recommend posting a note or keeping a log somewhere that a snarky teen can’t rip it up if they’re mad. When it comes time to do the budget add the DEDUCTIONS for what I call “mommy chore” charges to the other monthly deductions. If they want earn as much income money as possible, they will learn quickly to keep their mommy chore charges to a minimum or do one of mommy’s chores to even out the deduction before the next pay period.

Cars for High Schoolers
Just a side note, no one should be buying their high school kids' cars, much less new cars. If they really need access to a car and you can afford to get one, find an older model car that’s not classy and buy it as a family car. We had grandpa’s old car for one boy and their aunt’s car for the other. A Toyota Corolla that’s 8 years old was not what my kids wanted to drive but both got them around until they could afford to buy their own cars.

Step 4 – Now, back to our budgeting. Step 4, calculate the money needed to cover the income and deductions in Step 2 & 3 and transfer that electronically to your child once a month. I would have my kids balance their checkbooks by hand before they got their next month's money just so that they could see the money come and go. They switched to online balance watching after a few years but their first years with an old-fashioned paper checkbook to balance was a good exercise. Sort of like we all learned long division but always use calculators now, right?

Step 5 - Sit back and watch them use their money. If they forget to pay their tutor or music teacher... GREAT! That teacher will help them learn to pay bills on time. If the instructor tries to get the money from you, I’d just redirect them to your kid and explain this is a learning process.

If they bounce a check... GREAT! Nothing like learning how much bouncing a check costs. Whatever you do, don’t get overdraft protection for their account. One dad did that and was only charging his son $25 instead of the bank’s $35 fee and his son didn’t blink an eye. We need to get our kids to blink and look the payment monster in the eye. This is real stuff so make it real. These are all affordable mistakes that you can give them love and empathy for when they happen.

Now, on the other hand, if they manage to save extra in areas of their budget that they decide they’d like to use the money elsewhere, great. Say you give them money for two lunches a week and they decide to make their lunch all days of the week. Let them pocket the extra to encourage their saving habits. Remember how in adult-life we have to save for a vacation or a new car? These balancing activities will help plant those saving seeds in their brains that they’ll use later on when purchases really need to be saved for over a long period of time.

Ok, you’re ready to launch! Those are the five steps. I do have a few more comments on money and teens.

Encourage Jobs to Earn and Learn!
One area I want to encourage is for all parents to allow and promote the idea that their kids should earn money by having a part-time job while in high school. I know. I know. There are lots of parents in Silicon Valley where I live who feel that doing homework and school is a job for their kids so they refuse to let their kids work outside the home. However, doing homework doesn’t prepare them for all aspects of the real work and I want you to help them get those extra skills.

Crummy, low-wage jobs are such an amazing place to learn all sorts of life-lessons that are never, ever taught in schools. Having to punch a timeclock on a schedule that your boss only tells you one week in advance and one that changes just about every week. Getting a real paycheck – do you auto-deposit or not. Dealing with taxes. Getting tipped or not tipped – they start learning how it feels to not get tipped even though they’ve been doing a great job. Dealing with co-workers that you didn’t choose – ones that gripe and don’t work hard are tough to work with.

My one son didn’t have much time between his academics and athletics but he managed to get a weekend only job at a local burger joint. It was a God-send if you ask me. He learned about all those things and more. Dealing with cleaning tables and taking customer orders. Priceless. Did you know that when we walk into a place like that, we often ask a 16-year-old what’s good on the menu? Haha! So funny! Kids that age are amazed that anyone would bother to think that they might know the answer. Precious lessons in building confidence and self-esteem. Please, please let your child work!

College Finance Ideas
Lastly, I just want to make a few comments to those of you who have college kids or will soon. You need to practice these budgeting things but scale it up even further. Have your kids pay all their own bills, yep, even tuition and room and board if they are going away. Agree ahead of time what you are willing to pay for and when you will be transferring money to them.

In my practice, I see too many parents just opening up their wallets whenever their kids call to say they’re out of money. I want to encourage you to set the limits up front and use empathy when they run out of money. If you’ve set up their high school budgeting experience appropriately this will not be hard or a surprise.

My boys knew in advance that they paid for all their own entertainment and eating out with money they earned from their summer jobs or jobs they got during the school year.

I think having a limit for food spending is really wise as well. Freshmen in dorms are usually required to buy a food plan. If they have a food plan, in my opinion, that means they have food even if it’s not the best. If they’d like to eat out, fine, it’s on their dime.

A friend could see her son’s bank account draining down and he only had $5 left in it at one point. What a bummer! He wound up getting an on-campus job to help even things out. Another friend just wound up paying for the dorm food that her child wasn’t eating in addition to all the food her child at out. Crazy, isn’t that? Picky eaters can have a tough time in college but at that stage it’s their problem that they need to navigate, not mom and dad’s.

Last topic, credit cards. It is important for our kids at some point to start building up credit for future purchasing power. I’d say as they go off to college is the time to research a good card for them and encourage them to start by choosing one type of purchase that they always pay for on their card and then pay off every month. There are lots of companies who will offer students cards that have really high interest rates that can get kids into trouble. Avoid those. Shop around!

Learning to deal with money can be an amazing journey and allow our kids to have choices when they manage money well. You being in their lives communicating and allowing for mistakes in loving ways is what’s going to get your kid into the right place. They will blow it occasionally, embrace those times with a growth mindset and love them though the process.

Whatever your child's age, please take the time to work with money.

If you found this information useful, please forward the link on to your friends and family.

Here are a few of my favorite books about kids and money.

Millionaire Babies or Bankrupt Brats
Parents are Not ATMs

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Postcast 15 - Money and Allowance: Early Childhood (3-10 years)

7/9/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:   LISTEN

Money, money, money, what a challenge for us all! It is so important to pass along to our kids a firm foundation for money in their lives. However, in our love and protectiveness we tend to over-protect this essential skill-building opportunity while they are young.

There are things to do at different ages and stages to help introduce money concepts to your kids so that by the time they graduate from high school they know about budgeting, credit cards and debt.   In this podcast, I’ll concentrate on what to do with younger kids, from toddler years up through elementary school using a simple spend-save-share method. In the next podcast, I’ll go into more advanced topics that will cover the middle and high school years including budgeting and handling credit cards.

I talked a little about allowances in the previous podcast on Chores, and I want to make sure we’re all on the same page, we don’t give allowance for regular chores. This allowance money we’re talking about is money that we give our kids for them to learn how to use money. Please listen to the Chores podcast to if you want to understand more about why chores are separate from allowance since I already covered that topic there.

Let’s dive in!

For those little ones, how many of us, when relatives give our kids holiday or birthday money, stash it away in a bank account that our children can't get to? Probably most of us! Why? Because "we don't want to them to blow it", right? That money would be "wasted" on stuff that isn't important and we just can't let that happen.

Most of you know about helicopter parents and this money situation is a perfec t storm for us recovering helicopters. We mean well, but it hurts our kids in the long run. How will they ever learn that if they "waste" their money there won't be any left over for future wants and needs? When our kids are young is the time to allow as many affordable mistakes as possible; money is certainly a prime target for small mistakes now to avoid big mistakes later. I love this topic since it pays off big-time in the long run.

When to Start Allowance
I want you to start allowance at about Ages 3 to 5 and use this method until about 10 or 11.   I’m going to go over the method of giving them money, how much to give them and then how to set up learning opportunities for them to learn how to use it.

First, Method
There’s something called the Three Jars Method - this is a classic! You set up 3 clear jars so that your child can visibly see the money in them. One is for spending, one for saving and one for sharing. Let your child see the money build up. Dave Ramsey, the financial guru, said a Cambridge study found that kids money habits are formed by about age 7. Wow. That’s early so let’s get them up and running as soon as possible. With kids who are 3 to 5, you’ll be getting them used to seeing money and using money in very simple ways but those jars will grow to have meaning by about 6-7. Do start, even if you have really young kids.

Next, Amount
How much do you give as allowance and when? As much as you think is appropriate and can afford, could be a quarter or a dollar. It could be per week or per month, doesn't matter, but be consistent. I used monthly.   The amounts can change as your kids get older; I usually gave them a “raise” on their birthdays. You’re going to have them split the allowance between the 3 jars. Some number that can be easily split by three would be nice too. You do want to not give so much that they’re running out every week and buying stuff. Make them save for things they want.

If they get birthday or holiday gifts, help them split the money between the jars. Help them count it as it grows so you can build math skills along with money skills.

Opportunities
Next, you let them have opportunities to Spend-Save-Give. Let’s go over some ideas now.

SPEND - When you are at the store and they ask for a treat, let them use THEIR "spend" money instead of just using yours. If they didn’t bring any of their money, I would encourage you to give them empathy in the form of, “Gee, this is such a bummer. You didn’t bring your money and you’d really like to buy that toy. Darn. Maybe next time we come back you’ll have money to buy that. Mommy buys things on our shopping list, not extra items. I’m so sorry.” Even if it brings on a tantrum just stick with it. If it brings on whining try, “And what did I say?” Your child is learning that money doesn’t grow on trees, that you have to have some and have it with you if you want “stuff”.

However, if you really think that is too mean then you can lend them the money and have them pay you back when they get home. I would charge some sort of interest in the form of extra money like a real loan would have or maybe an extra chore around the house since it’s an energy drain that you had to use your money since your child forgot theirs. However, your kids learn to carry their money when they go to a store with you pretty darn fast if you give them the empathy routine. You want them to know shopping takes money, it’s not just a “look, see, buy” event but a “look, see, do-I-have-money-to-buy” event.

SAVE – Whenever you think there’s enough money in their SAVE jar, go with them to open a simple savings account once they get to about 6 or 7. Have them put their savings in that account at least once a year, you might even match the amount dollar for dollar or at a 50% rate. Let them see it growing. Allow them to "save" for something special so they can practice delayed gratification - a bike, a large LEGO set, an expensive doll, etc. Research says that mastering the art of delayed gratification is a SUPER helpful indicator for future success in life.

Some families will call this account “college savings” to promote the idea that their kids will be going to college but it could have some other name but you need to differentiate it from the “spend” money in a way that’s farther and less immediate in nature. One of my friends had an accounting book instead of using a real bank. She labeled it “Bank of Mom” and put all the money transactions in it. Do what works for you but the more you can make it be a realistic banking situation, the better.

SHARE - If you go to church, let them take their "share" money for a donation, not yours. Maybe once a year you have them pick a charity; they can use their "share" money on. We used Heifer International for years as a "share" when my boys were little-- super fun to sponsor cows and chickens or even beehives in third world countries that help people get out of poverty. But work with your kids to figure out what they might care about – Make A Wish? Habitat for Humanity, Humane Society, Doctors without Borders. It’s great to model for our kids that money and the sharing of money can help others, not just themselves.

SPECIAL MONEY/Early Budgeting
The last skill with money for younger ones that I want to pass on to you is an early introduction to budgeting. If you, as a parent when traveling or going to a special event like a theme park, typically give in to your kids who always beg for souvenirs, this simple budgeting practice will allow them to have independence to make more choices on their own.

Many of us don’t mind the concept of buying our kids something to remember a trip. However, we often get roped into buying things at every stop and often spend more than we want to. Those adorable puppy eyes pleading with us for one more set of polished rocks are just sometimes beyond us to resist, right?

Here’s the new plan: Before you head off on vacation, set up a travel trinket budget for your kids. They can spend it on anything but when their trinket money is gone, it's gone! So sad... ;). Sure, your kids will pick some throw-away items that you think are stupid and a waste that you know they’ll lose interest in a day, but what a great time for them to learn this lesson. By keeping our judgements of what they buy to ourselves, this new budget process will help regulate their future purchases so you won’t have to. Your job is to set up that budget ahead of time and stick to it. I’d even give the kids the cash dollars and a wallet so they have a chance to physically deal with bills and change. They might even learn what it’s like to lose a wallet. Ouch! Ya know? I would probably wait until 5 or 6 to institute trinket budgeting when your kids have mastered some basic math.

How much should your vacation trinket budget be? It will really depend on what your family can afford but the overall idea is “not enough”. For my boys when they were in elementary school, I gave them $20 each for a 3-week vacation. This was way less than I would have spent in previous summers before I figured out this trinket budget, but it totally worked. When they wanted something, I could just ask them if they had money left. It was so freeing! They were also welcome to bring some of their SPEND money out of their spend jar if they’d like to have more. It was totally up to them to bring that extra money. It certainly wasn’t on my packing list for vacation.

That’s all for now! Good luck on getting some money understanding into your young ones. Don’t forget to listen to my next podcast as your kids get older so you can learn about more advanced budgeting and spending habits that will get them really ready for adulthood. I do have a Pinterest board with more ideas for teaching about money.

PINTEREST BOARD

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PODCAST Episode 10: Punishment vs. Consequences

4/13/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:    LISTEN

This week during the corona virus shelter-in-place it seems my mom friends really need some guidance in getting their kids to listen and obey them. They are using good techniques like choices and setting limits but their kids aren’t responding, they are just ignoring parents and doing whatever they please. Moms are pulling their hair out in complete frustration if they aren’t locking themselves in the bathroom for a good cry. Well, folks, this is for you!

I’m going to first talk about the concept of punishment, what it means and brings about vs. consequences and why they are different and more desirable. I’ll then go into how to determine if there are natural consequences readily available or if you need to figure out another type of unrelated consequence to use instead.

With that said, let’s dive in.

Punishment and what it means
First, let’s talk about the concept of punishment. Typically in parenting we think of a punishment coming as the result of some bad, undesirable behavior – hitting a sibling, stealing food from the pantry, talking back, not cleaning up a mess, using electronics without permission or staying on them longer than allowed, not wearing a helmet when getting on a bike, breaking a toy, forgetting their backpack or losing something. The list of possible bad behaviors is endless and constantly expanding, of course!

In response, a parent dishes out a punishment which varies between a time-out, getting sent to your room, washing your mouth out with soap, taking away electronics, putting locks on the pantry doors, a spanking, or for older kids, the classic, being “grounded”.

In our gut we want all of our kids to respect what we say and to immediately respond. When this doesn’t happen the inner Drill Sergeant in us shows up on the scene and doles out the punishment for not obeying. We will be mad and we might even yell.

“Go to your room!”
“Give me that iPad!”
“You’re grounded!”

When our kids are younger, say 0-12, we are bigger and louder than they are and their resistance to our yelling and punishment can be less difficult than by the time they are teens and start yelling back in a louder and more powerful ways. No matter what punishment you give, no matter how loud you give it, it amazes you that the very next day they do the same thing all over again!

This punishment thing just makes the anger and frustration grow in us as well. The cycle is endless. The punishment doesn’t seem to get into the hearts and minds of our kids, does it? How do we make it sink in so they know that we are serious about whatever the rule is that we’re trying to have them embrace.

I want you to put your mind into the child who just got her electronics taken away for a week. Do you know what they are thinking about all week? Is it how they shouldn’t be playing electronics in their bedroom because it’s not safe or is it how mean a mom you are? When you put your child into a 5 minute time-out in the corner for hitting their brother what are they thinking? That they should have used their words instead of their fists when their sibling took away their toy? Or that you’re mean and they hate their sibling and it wasn’t their fault. You’re mean! We see time and again that although the behavior might be stopped temporarily there is no change in the heart of our kids and they have learned to endure the punishments we dole out.

Consequences and why they are different
What I’d like to propose to you is how to use consequences as a way to help our kids learn in their hearts that some things aren’t worth the hassle and they have choices in life as to what good and bad behaviors they want to do.

What are Natural Consequences
Sometimes parents luck out and there are what we call “natural consequences” for a behavior that, if we allow them to sink in without yelling and scolding, are a perfect way to accomplish getting into the hearts of our kids. Let me tell you an example to illustrate. One mom saw that her 8-year-old had left a new soccer ball outside in the yard. This ball was a recent birthday present . When mom mentioned to her son that their dogs might chew up and ruin the ball her son did nothing. Yep. Nothing. He just ignored her. Sure enough, her son came in the house a few hours later upset that their large dogs had popped his ball. They had to go to the store to buy a new one. Here’s what she MIGHT have said: “Oh my gosh, I told you that would happen! Why didn’t you get it when I told you earlier! You never take care of your toys. This makes me so mad you never pay attention to me! There’s no way I’m going to the store.” Her son would have probably cried and maybe shut up but what did mom accomplish? I suggest, not much.

Instead, however, what this mom really did was she gave him empathy and love, “Oh that is so sad, that was your new ball. What do you think you’re going to do about it?” Since she was a Love and Logic mom she started following the Problem Solving technique she had learned in class. Perfect! He had no idea what to do. Would he like some ideas about what some kids might do? Sure, he said. They talked about a few: Buy a new ball with his birthday money? Nah. Go use another ball? Nah, he didn’t feel like playing ball right now anyway. Well, good luck with that, she said. Yep, no scolding. No telling him what to do. She let him know it was a problem and he needed to solve it. She allowed the problem to be his, not hers so as a result she wasn’t the bad guy in the story like she always used to be. You know what her son decided to do in the end? Nothing. Yep. Nothing. He really didn’t want that ball anyway, he had plenty of other balls but he decided he was going to be more careful about leaving the other ones outside where the dogs might get them.

Natural consequences like this can be really powerful if we let them happen and keep our anger and resentment out of the way. Powerful life lessons are there for the taking!

If our kids spill milk all over the table, we let them clean it up. If they are young we might need to help them but we allow them to own the problem. Our natural reaction is to rush in and clean, clean, clean but we rob our kids of the opportunity of learning when we do that. Yes, there is milk dripping all over the table and floor. Yes, it’s inconvenient but… this has been happening regularly because your daughter hasn’t been careful, she reaches too far and knocks things over. We lovingly say: “Wow, this is soooo sad. All that milk has spilled. Can you please clean that up with the towel over by the sink?”

The real problem isn’t the spilled milk, it’s your daughter not being aware of her surroundings. With a natural consequence your daughter learns that every time she is careless there might be a mess to clean up and messes take time and they are often yucky and who wants that. If you let her clean up with love and empathy in your voice the lesson will make it to her heart. She won’t be thinking how mean you are for making her clean up and then sending her to her room because she was careless. Instead, we lovingly thank her for cleaning up and then proceed with our dinner. The natural consequence is enough, no need to make it more.

In another instance, a 4 year-old boy when he was mad, he would peed on the floor in his room. Mom would struggle and fight with him to change his clothes and resentfully clean up the mess. However, she finally saw the natural consequence to his poor decision to pee in his room. She decided the choice was his to pee so he could clean it up and change himself. No struggles needed. The next time it happened she lovingly gave him some towels and told him he could come out of his room as soon as he cleaned it up and changed. She left him there. She was calm. About 15 minutes later a new boy with a completely different attitude and sense of independence came out of that room where so many battles had previously occurred. She let him own it. She wasn’t the bad guy. She offered love and empathy.

One of my sons got his license when he turned 16. He was driving one day through a yellow light that was turning red at a popular intersection. He heard sirens and was being pulled over. Oh my, his heart was beating so fast. He didn’t want to talk to a cop! The police officer gave him a citation for running a red light. He came home and told me about it right away. I just took it in calmly, telling myself that I didn’t get a ticket, he did.

He complained a bit that the light was yellow but he knew it was a pretty weak argument. This was a perfect natural consequence that had months of ramifications. Even I learned a few things in the process. Did you know that running a red light is a moving violation in a different category than a speeding ticket? And those are really expensive? And they don’t tell you how expensive until you get a letter in the mail which takes about a month? My son had a month to wait to figure out the first part of his natural consequence. It was a $600 fine. Ouch. That was going to really drain his savings account, wasn’t it? It was his ticket, not mine. I pay for my tickets, my kids pay for theirs.

Next, traffic school. He got to learn how to sign up. Then he had to pay for that too. Something like another $60. Then he had to finish the class within 60 days. That was the tough part for me. I was biting my tongue trying to not remind him to do anything. If he didn’t finish on time he’d get another lesson about not finishing things that were important, right? I know he’d survive whatever it was that they would throw at him. Luckily, however, he actually wound up finishing on time. Whew!

You know what, after all that not only did HE become a safer driver but so did his younger brother who was sitting in the seat next to him at the time. Haha! I got a two-fer! Both boys with one lesson. Yeah! No battles. No yelling but lots of love and acceptance that all of us make mistakes and with love we can learn how to get through them. How many of us know a parent who would have paid the ticket, signed up their kid for traffic school and pay for that too then sit next to their kid to make sure they did the online class, nagging them the whole time?

Use Natural Consequences early and often in the lives of your children. The love and lessons will do well in building up a long term relationship of trust and respect between you and your child.

What do to when there are no Natural Consequences
Now, for the tough one. What if there is no natural consequence to a behavior? Or your child refuses to take responsibility for a behavior? Or your child just keeps doing the same thing over and over not matter what you throw at them? This is a major problem and so common in just about every household even if you can keep your calm and use love and empathy which in itself is a challenge.

Hit your sister
Play longer on electronics than is allowed
Get on a bike without a helmet
Scream at your parents
Download an app that you’re not supposed to have
Get caught vaping
Break curfew

All of these behaviors are clearly problems and we can certainly take away privileges but that just doesn’t seem to work. Our kids don’t learn in their hearts anything except we’re mean, we’re trying to control them, that we have stupid rules. Younger kids who lose their toys or bike for a few days, they complain and whine but they survive it and live to disobey another day. They might even be thinking subconsciously something like: “That punishment wasn’t so bad and, hey, sometimes mom or dad doesn’t even notice or I’ve worn them down so much they are exhausted battling me so I really only get punished every so once in a while. I can live with that.”

Do you know what a teen who gets their phone taken away for two weeks is thinking most about during those two weeks? Yep, you. Every day, day after day, what a mean and nasty parent you are, who doesn’t understand them.

One dad took away his teen’s phone after he broke the curfew that was set. Dad took it away for a week. His son was a basketball player and it turned out that his coach and teammates always sent texts to each other about practices and such. Well, his son missed several important practices and meetings. Do you know who he blamed? Yep, dad! Now this whole situation was really tricky because the real issue that started all this was about a curfew but the battle was being fought over the phone. Oh my gosh, what a conundrum! The son was so mad at dad that he didn’t even try to figure out another way with his friends to get notified of his commitments.

So, what do we do? We have to attack these problems on two fronts.

One, we can’t let the problems just pass if we decide that something like riding a bike with a helmet is a MUST then every time your kid gets on a bike without one you need to take the time to recognize it and deal with it. You start with empathy and love. “Oh my, this is sooooo sad. In our house we only ride bikes when we have helmets. Please get off your bike and put it away. We’ll deal with this later.” Your child most likely won’t be that thrilled to be getting off their bike and their brain might be emotionally activated. You need to not engage with them when they’re brain isn’t working right. That’s where the delaying the consequence comes in. If your child does have a tantrum please listen to my podcast #6 on Handling Tantrums if you need some help there. The key here is keeping calm. No yelling and getting dragged into a battle.

Next, once you’ve waited for the emotion to pass you need to meet up with that child to have them help put peace and harmony back into your life. Your energy was just drained, wasn’t it? Having to deal with disobedience really gets us and the amount of frustration and the time taken away from us doing other, more productive things with our time is the problem your child needs to solve. Traditionally, we punish then let our kids off the hook as if their behavior only impacted them. That’s where we need to tighten up this process. Their behavior affected many people but for sure us! For those of you who’ve come to Love and Logic parenting classes, this is called Energy Drain. They have some awesome resources for this which I’ll refer to in the show notes.   I want to tell you a story of a parent who learned this technique and how powerful it can be.

Here’s what the mom wrote me:
==========================
I picked up my kids from school at 12:30 after our class yesterday. My 9-year-old son was not in a good mood and I knew from experience of every early dismissal day that he was very hungry. He was not in a good mood to be nice to me or his sister. By the time we got home, they got into a fight over the leftover food in the fridge and my son started yelling at his sister and left the kitchen in anger. On his way to his room he bumped into me to show his frustration. I gave it a couple of minutes until he came back and I said to both my kids very softly: oh, you know what......this is such an energy drain for me. Yelling, screaming and disrespectful treatment get so much of my energy that I may not have enough left for helping you with your things or driving you around this afternoon.....unless we find a way to put some positive energy back in mommy.

My son did not take me seriously, but my daughter knew I was. Very quickly, she managed to divide up the leftover food for both of them and called her brother for lunch and went out of her way to make everything right. I thought to myself: One, check...one more to go!

Half an hour later, when my son asked me about his baseball practice time. He realized that I was serious about not taking him. Then, he started crying, guilting me that no mom would do that, etc...I just told him, I know.... A few "I know"s later, he calmed and realized that his tactic was not going to work. He asked how can he possibly fix the energy drain. I said I can give him some ideas. Of course, any of my suggestions were too much for him followed by another guilt trip from him and "I know"s from me.....

Eventually, I left the room to do something and when I came back 15 minutes later, I found him folding laundry. I was about to fall on the floor......I thanked him and told him that was very helpful. He was not happy, but was doing the work. It was funny that he said: "You are making me work for you" and "I thought people are not allowed to have slaves any more". I told him very gently that I wish I had unlimited energy, but the reality is I don't. You being helpful gives me energy to help you later.

It was interesting that our conversation eventually changed direction and he suggested that I go lay down in bed to gain energy faster while he did the laundry.

I was amazed to see that not only did he end up doing the work and but was actually showing concern for me.

This mom had only just learned about Energy Drains and she pulled it off to perfection. She was calm and loving and firm at the same time. She let her kids know that their decision to have bad behavior caused problems in ways that impacted her and that impact was important to make right. She used the leverage of her kids’ needing her time later to get them to comply. For you it might be that you don’t have energy to read books at bedtime or to make dinner. If we train our kids to look at how they impact others around them, they will be forced to see others and this creates empathy. Many parents wonder if their kids have empathy for others since they seem so self-centered. It’s using things like Energy Drain that will grow their hearts and have long term effects on their character.

In order to help parents come up with ideas about what types of chores or services can be used to get our kids to put energy back in us I will put a link in my podcast notes to a list of Energy Drain Ideas on my website. The list applies to families with kids of all ages, you just pick the ones that are appropriate for the ages of your children. A 3-year-old can vacuum and put lotion on your hands to help you out while a teenager might scrub those outside garbage bins or paint a fence. My teenage son once had to clean the gutters I was so drained. Whatever you pick it should be something that isn’t their normal job.

I hope you’ve enjoyed learning about how using consequences instead of punishments might make your daily challenges with your kids go a bit easier. I encourage you to use natural consequences whenever possible but remember that using energy drains when things are going badly are a way of training our kids that what they do impacts others around them in ways they need to make right again. All this will help you change their hearts for a lifetime.

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:    LISTEN

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PODCAST Episode 3 - Building Resilience: Remember to Forget

3/4/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

Thanks for coming back to listen to more practical parenting wisdom. Today we’re going to talk about situations where a parent “forgetting” provides for powerful and helpful life-long lessons for kids.

In this episode I’m going to go over some real examples from parents who have attended parenting classes that I’ve been facilitating since 2012, Parenting the Love and Logic Way®. All these parents had just learned new skills, they weren’t aged veterans who’d been doing this a long time. In these examples you can see that just making a few changes in your parenting can have a big impact on your family. Let’s get started with learning to forget.

MISSING SWIM TOWELS AND GOGGLES
The first story is about a mom of 4 young kids who let her two oldest daughters learn what happens when they forget stuff. Here’s what she wrote me:
I told the girls to get ready for swim class. I usually remind them to bring their towels and goggles. I had gotten busy with other things and I did not remind them. They have been going to this class all school year so they know what they need to bring with them. We drove to class and when we arrived discovered they both had forgotten their towels and goggles. I have in the past bought goggles and towels from the swim school when things have been forgotten. But today was different, I told them that since they forgot them there would be no swim class today and we drove home. There were tears and I just sympathized and said “I know” and “that really stinks”. When we got home we discussed how they used my gas and energy to drive them to nowhere. So to pay me back they both chose a chore around the house.
Wow! This is so cool! That mom took the bull by the horns and tried something new. You know what happened the next week when going to swimming lessons? Yep, her daughters remembered both their towels and goggles. Woohoo!

HOCKEY HOPEFULNESS
Our next story is similar. A 10-year old boy who loves ice hockey who arrived at the rink and was just getting his gear out of his bag for a practice and noticed that his skates were missing. Yes, his SKATES. Not good. “Dad, Mom, we gotta go back home! My skates are at home!” Dad empathetically and in a low tone of voice said. “Oh nooooo that is so sad… you forgot your skates. Our house is 30 minutes away. We’re not driving there and back for your skates today. What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know. I can’t practice without my skates! The coach is going to be so mad. Why can’t we go back and get them??!!”

“As we told you, we don’t have the time or the energy to go back home. What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” He sulks…
“Would you like some suggestions?” they said.
“What? Hmm… ok…”
“Well, some kids might decide to sit on the bench and just watch practice. How would that work for you?”
“That’s no good. Coach won’t like me sitting doing nothing.”
“Well, some kids might take some money and buy a new pair of skates from the skate shop here at the rink. How would that work for you?”
“Hmm… well, I do have some money from my birthday that I could use. I’ll do that!”
So a new pair of skates was purchased using the boy’s own money.

These hockey parents used their new problem-solving skills to perfection. They gave empathy first, handed the problem back to their child and then asked if he wanted suggestions. They only gave suggestions AFTER he agree to listen to some from them. They did NOT nag, remind or berate him for the situation that he had created for himself. The NATURAL consequences of his poor decision of not packing his gear more carefully in the first place was the consequence he needed. Some parents might look for extra punishments to pile on but there’s no need. Love and empathy and saying things like “wow, that certainly was a bummer to forget your skates.” Is all you need to help cement the impact of the natural consequence. This is a perfect case of “less is more”.

SUNSCREEN LESSONS
Another parent attending my class accepted my challenge of letting her kids forget something. It was summer and they were headed to Tahoe on vacation. She was a bit tired of being responsible for applying sunscreen to her 10, 8 and 6-year-old kids. She wanted to make sure they were covered, head to toe which is why she did it, sunburns were no fun. Well, she decided this could be a learning opportunity for her kids and it turned out to be for herself as well. First, she communicated her new plan. On the way to Tahoe, she told them putting on sunscreen was now their job, not hers. They were surprised, mom had never given them the option to put it on themselves. Well, much to her surprise, they did it! No complaints even. They just did it! Mom was impressed it was so easy that she didn’t even expect they would do a good job of, they did. They proved to her they were capable! She was actually prepared for a bit of sunburn here and there but there was hardly any. Wow! Her kids were capable and she had been holding them back. What a precious lesson for a parent to learn. What might your child be able to do that you don’t even know since you’re not letting them prove to you and themselves that they CAN do something?

COLD KID
In another instance, I was at church chatting with a family from my small group which is centered around parenting young children. I noticed their 7-year-old son was in shorts and a tee shirt jumping around with his hands deep in the pockets of his lightweight shorts. Mom is a pretty skilled parent after being in our group for a few years. She and I just smiled and she said how she lets her son dress himself. I asked him if he was cold and he immediately said, “No, I’m fine.” I loved it! Mom was letting him learn how to dress based on the weather instead of forcing him to wear clothes that she might deem more appropriate. He wasn’t going to freeze, we live in a mild climate, so what a great opportunity for him to learn when he’s so young. He’s learning how he feels based on what his body is telling him, not his parents. By the time he leaves home for college he’ll be all set.

COLD TEEN
However, this same lesson about weather turned out a little different with a teenage girl whose parents were attending my class. Friday night was a football game at school and when their daughter was getting ready to go it was pretty mild weather, not cold. She decided to head to the game in short shorts and a tank top. She sure was cute!

Well, by halftime they got a call. Guess who it was? Guess who was cold? Could they please bring her a coat? Oh, this was so sad, the parents said. They were in the middle of a movie. They wouldn’t be able to run over and bring a coat. They were loving and gave lots of empathy to her plight of being cold. One thing they did NOT do was lecture her about how she should have brought a coat. No nagging, no reminding is what will seal in life lessons with our kids.

They did this perfectly and they admitted to me that they had a smile on their faces since this whole situation proved to be so predictable. The only thing no longer predictable was them rescuing her. A week later when their daughter left for the next football game, do you know what she was carrying in her hand? Yep, a coat! See, even if you have a teenager it’s possible to make progress if we allow our kids to own their actions and we don’t step in to rescue or lecture them when something goes wrong.

Finder Parents
All these stories about kids who forget things reminds me of something I had to deal with myself and I find many parents have the same “skill”. The skill I am talking about is being what I call the “Finder Parent”. I’m sure you can guess what this might be just from the fun title I’ve given it. We are the parents who can find anything, anywhere for our family members.

·        When our kid shouts out “Where are my soccer cleats?” We are the people who tell them they are under a pile of dirty laundry in their room and not in the garage shoe bench where they should be. If someone needs a band aid, or scissors, or a certain type of graph paper or a favorite toy? We can point to the item without batting an eye or lifting a finger.

·        Being the Finder Parent is a tough job since as The Finder if you don’t find something like the basketball shoes before game then it is YOUR fault that a child is late or can’t play. It’s your fault if the appropriate coat can’t be found or a school form is missing that needs to be turned in. It’s a job with very few rewards and many downsides like getting yelled at or being made to feel guilty that someone wasn’t ready for some event or another on time because YOU couldn’t find something. This totally sucks! Who signed us up for such a thankless task? We did! Yep… every one of us signed ourselves up. Why? We just want things to go well! We want people to be on time and have their stuff and us knowing immediately where things are really helps. Or does it? Hmmm….

·        As you can probably tell by now The Finder is really a house helicopter and if that’s you that is one job you need to resign from ASAP! Yep, just resign.

·        When you see your kids kick off their shoes in random places and they don’t care that they might not be able to find them later, then you need not care either. When a kid’s water bottle is left in the car and not refilled because they forgot to bring it in, you forget that too. They yell in the morning “Where’s my water bottle?” as they’re getting their things together you just lovingly say “I don’t’ know honey, where did you leave it? I bet if you look you can find it.” “I looked; I can’t find it!” You reply lovingly in an empathetic tone of voice, “That’s so sad, what are you going to do about it?”

·        When your kid has to go to soccer or baseball and they pick up their gear bag without looking inside to see if everything is there, make sure you don’t look either. I know, it’s soooo tempting but, just don’t look. Once you get to the field and your kid finally notices they don’t have their shin guards or cup, you just give them love and empathy. “Oh no, that is too bad. I’m so sorry. “ You don’t start lecturing. You just give love and empathy!! That will be really, really hard but just hold to that – love and empathy. “But mom, I can’t play without shin guards!” “I know, that’s so sad.” “Why didn’t you pack my gear?! It’s your fault! Go home and get it right now so I can play!” This will be a hard game for them to sit out but you just say in that loving and empathetic voice you’ve been practicing, “I can see how you might feel that way but in our house your gear is your gear. I love you and I’m sure next time you’ll get everything in your bag.” This whole scenario will work a lot better if you have a family meeting ahead of time to lay out the new Family Rule that your children own their gear and get it ready, not you. I would encourage you to add to a rule for unpacking gear being their job too - sports gear, lunchboxes, and backpacks should all be included in that list.

·        It’s hard to watch our kids fail but the more we let them own their “stuff” and the earlier in their lives they know it’s “their stuff” then they learn to not rely on others to take care of it, but to responsible and that’s what we need them to be in the long run. Remember, our goal is to create responsible adults and doing that will involve lessons like all of these.

One last thought I have for all of you is that I want you to know that I’m not asking you to abandon your kids. I certainly want to encourage you to help and coach your kids moving toward the right behaviors. To accomplish this we need to be coaches, giving them hints from the sidelines where we brainstorm with them maybe how to come up with a list of items that go into a sports gear bag or what needs to go into a backpack before leaving for school. We don’t’ step in early and give them a plan; we wait till they ask and we give empathy and love when things aren’t going well instead of lecturing and taking over. It’s hard to watch sometimes but in the long run things will get better and better when we learn to forget.

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Backpacks are a problem!

11/2/2018

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Does your child have a problem with what's in their backpack? You know, those papers that are wrinkled at the bottom? Maybe a permission slip? Or possibly a banana?

Or how about the things that are NOT in their backpack? Do they forget to put their homework in? Or maybe their lunch or water bottle?

Ugh! It is so frustrating especially when we've reminded them over and over and over again! How can they KEEP messing up and why do WE have to keep cleaning up after them?

Whose backpack is it anyway?Parents who "help" clean up backpack issues mean well, we really do! However, as our children grow to rely more and more on our fixing their problems we are robbing them of the opportunity to learn how to manage their own stuff. If we are emptying their backpack, repacking it, making sure it's stocked with appropriate pencils, food and homework then they have no need to learn how to do it.

We want to raise kids who will remember to take their lunch, fill their water bottles, put their homework in their backpacks, don't we? YOU BET! When I lecture I often ask who has a disorganized kid. Many parents raise their hands. While some kids might have executive function issues I think most kids have parent-buttting-in-and-taking-over-so-their-kid-remembers-everything issues. I'm hoping for a chance that you might be a parent who can recognize which one you might be. :)
Let them forget! The best way to help our kids is to let them forget! Yep! FORGET! We want them to experience the sting of not having something that is important so that it is imprinted on their brain that important things are IMPORTANT! We call it an AFFORDABLE MISTAKE. If we start with simple things when they are young then they'll learn this really important skill long before they are out of the house and on their own. Every time we take care of backpack issues they learn NOTHING except that if something is missing it wasn't their fault, it was mom or dads. That's not fair at all, is it?

RULES FOR PARENTS
1 - Don't empty the backpack
2 - Don't pack the backpack
3 - Don't carry the backpack

Don't get me wrong, you're welcome to coach a child but THEY need to do the work. No nagging! Just ASK if they'd like some suggestions. Maybe make lists with them about what's supposed to go IN the backpack before school and what comes OUT after school. Make the lists together, don't just write it all up for them. If they can't read then use pictures or drawings.

Keep in mind the same rules can be applied to sports bags, music binders, and sleepover bags! Lastly, don't forget to go BRAIN DEAD and keep calm when they get upset after they forget something.

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Podcast 39 – Bad Teachers: How to Deal With Them

Podcast 34: Life Skills for Teens and Tweens

My Favorite Parenting Books!

Podcast 26: Lying, Cheating and Stealing - What to do?

Podcast 22: Gratitude vs. Entitlement

Podcast 16 - Money Matters: Teen and Tween Edition

Postcast 15 - Money and Allowance: Early Childhood (3-10 years)

PODCAST Episode 10: Punishment vs. Consequences

PODCAST Episode 3 - Building Resilience: Remember to Forget

Backpacks are a problem!

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