Blog for parenting issues and techniques

Off to College -- what did I forget?

8/28/2014

OMG... what an amazing time in my life. We dropped my oldest son off at college. He is so happy and settling into his new life so well I couldn't be happier. Yeah! Just what we've been praying would happen.

However, I am finally experiencing the feeling that parents go through when the child they love has officially moved into the next phase of their lives that doesn't include them... I'm missing him. Gulp!

I just wanted to share my parenting moment as my son was packing things on his last day at home. I had asked him to fix a vacuum cleaner plug that had broken off the week before and he wasn't doing it. Hmmm... he knew I'd do "something" about it so I was wondering what the big deal was and why he was procrastinating. Finally, it dawned on me... I had forgotten to teach him how to fix stuff! Being an L&L parent I had made sure to teach him life skills like cooking, budgeting money, doing laundry and car maintenance but, alas, not much in the fix-it realm.

Upon realizing my error I told him I was sorry for missing this opportunity and quickly told him about the amazing "old guys" at Orchard Supply who have enless patience and tons of knowledge for home repairs. Whew! He then easily completed the task of splicing the cord with the part the wonderful OSH guy sold us. Yeah!

My parting thoughts though were... did I do a good job? Did I teach him enough? What else did I miss? As I pondered those worries I realized that, sure enough, he would do well. He knew how to solve problems and recover from mistakes. My teaching was done for that first phase of his life. L&L let me do it with confidence and an open heart. I was able to coach him through his high school years with happiness in my heart knowing that we had a wonderful relationship that would last a lifetime because I was willing to let his life be his. Life wasn't always smooth but I tried as hard as I could to let him make his own mistakes and learn from them.

I wish all of you, no matter the age of your children, to keep in mind the long term goal... not "did my child get all A's" but... "can my child survive the ups and downs of life on their own?", and "can they survive without me?" To get there we have to let them survive without us while they are still living with us.

Thanks for reading! Good to know I can still practice on my younger son. Oh boy!

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Divorced Dad and Pre-Teen Daughter -- using Problem Solving for a Bad Attitude

8/22/2014

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A divorced father with 4 small kids had his older pre-teen daughter from out of state visit during summer break. This is what the dad wrote me:

My oldest daughter came in last week and turned 10 with us on Saturday. To our surprise after a day of doing our best to make her happy and do everything she wanted, she called her mom after her party to tell her that she had a bad day and everyone was picking on her. Without L&L I would have likely gotten angry and reactive, but looked at this as a great chance to provide the problem back to her. We stored her toys, iPad and snacks and instead of losing it and lecturing we used L&L skills. (Note from Mary: this is an "energy drain") I was able to articulate that I was not sure how long we would have to borrow her items yet but it would be until she was able to repair how inconsiderate she had been.

She helped out a little the next morning and felt she had "done something" but then when I asked her if she felt that matched the amount of effort we put out she said no. The following day she woke up with a new attitude and not only helped out most of the day but was nice about it.

I spoke with her last night and explained that it was a consequence, and what I did. I compared that to punishments that she typically received and she told me that she learned much more with having to fix it herself rather than getting punished.

Good job dad! Can you see how this change in technique can bring children closer to you instead of push them away?

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Breaking iPads, iPhones and other electronics

8/15/2014

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Although sometimes parents want to throw away electronics when their kids are either addicted to them or fighting over them we still cringe when a child breaks one of these very expensive "toys". As a parent learning Love and Logic® techniques, what do you do?

After class this week two sets of parents were chatting with me about just this issue. Each family's 4 year old had broken an iPad. Ouch! That's expensive! They were both a little puzzled as to what to do since their kids don't have money to pay for a new one.

Using concepts we talked about setting up some way for the children, no matter the age or ability to pay, to "earn" money to fix an iPad. They might have the kids dust once a day, earning $1 each day or $2 (or whatever the amount you want to set). Yes, it would take a LONG time to "earn" all that money. The parents can add other jobs as well as long as they are jobs that aren't the regular contributions the child is expected to do. For example, a 4-year-old might be setting the table for dinner each night as a regular contribution so they need to assign other jobs like: weeding the garden, sweeping the floor or organizing shoes.

What if your child is older? The rate at which they will be able to "earn" the money for a broken or lost electronic might be sooner since they might be able to do something like staining the back deck or washing all the windows, inside and out.

If we keep in mind that the point of this lesson with our kids isn't so much about money but that being responsible for our belongings is worth doing. As adults, we have to pay for things we lose or break. As kids, they should be learning this same lesson. We do need to make sure we give them lots of EMPATHY and not lecture them! I would use the Problem Solving Technique and turn the problem back over to them, offering them suggestions only if they want some.

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Off to College -- what did I forget?

Divorced Dad and Pre-Teen Daughter -- using Problem Solving for a Bad Attitude

Breaking iPads, iPhones and other electronics

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