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Podcast 18: Distance Learning During COVID

8/31/2020

THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE: LISTEN

I'm not sure what to say about living through history at this moment in time. I live in California where virtually all schools are doing remote learning. I know my podcast reaches outside of California so hopefully not everyone has to deal with all the issues I’m going to talk about. We never expected to be having distanced learning due to a worldwide pandemic. We certainly have to get through to the other side and we will get through it. This article is meant to give you some food for thought in setting up your family for success with remote learning.

You all know I love practical parenting so I’m going to start with the physical setup ideas of how to get things running smoothly then move on to things like setting up routines, family rules and how to keep things fun and flexible.

Let’s dive in!

Lots of you have already started your distanced learning this school year so just listen for some ideas to make adjustments if you’ve got some bumpy areas going.

1 - Physical LEARNING AREA

Organize - I’m sure your school has already recommended you set up a quiet and organized area for your student with a desk and chair, not a bed. Having bins or shelves with supplies can really help keep things organized so your child doesn’t get frustrated trying to find different items. If at all possible, you want to make sure the table height and chair height are appropriate for the size of your child. Kids sitting in adult-sized chairs for long periods of time can be really uncomfortable and distract from learning. If you’re on a limited budget, ask your school if you can borrow a desk for the duration of online learning.

Get rid of distractions – One of the biggest helps for learning at home is to get rid of distractions, meaning toys and stuff, from the work area.

One family I work with has the option of having their kids in their bedrooms with a desk and supplies. To prepare, they spent the week before school clearing out any visible toys from around the study area. Their son loves Legos so that meant not only Legos off the floor but also off the shelves and out of the room.

Another family with a 1st grade daughter found that even though she was blessed to have her own room that it wasn’t going to work for them. It was too hard to pack up all her toys and too far away from mom watching over her. They got creative and set up a workspace on the dining table using one of those tri-fold poster boards to create her own little cubby area. They even had her decorate it. She had all of her supplies nearby but also a buffer from things like anyone else in the house walking by. If your child is in a public space, you might want to try to build a cardboard barrier like that.

Lastly, you also need minimize other types of distractions like the family pets and siblings who are babies or toddlers who might cause disruptions not only for your student but for the entire online classroom. Your child’s teacher will often help manage some distractions but please, please discuss not having excess noises like eating, doing dishes, vacuuming, cooking and such going on while your student is learning and trying to concentrate.

Provide quiet and focus – Next we’re going to talk about how to get a quiet environment. Lots of families are using headphones to block out noises from the home while helping to keep kids focus. I love the idea. If you have the flexibility, have your child select the headphones. If they aren’t comfortable, you might try different types or figure out another location in your house that they can be alone and not have to have headphones on.

I talked to a mom who felt it odd that she can’t hear what’s going on in her daughter’s classroom since the headphones block out what the teacher is teaching and what other students are saying. She’d really like to listen in, but she had to remind herself that if this was a real classroom, she wouldn’t be able to do that. We do need to trust our teachers and let our kids know we are here to assist, not to attend school with them.

If you have an older student, you might run into this other issue with headphones. One student objected to their very functional headphones because they didn’t look cool enough, so she didn’t want to use them, but it disrupted the whole family when she didn’t since her sister and parents were also all working from home. What do you do with that? We should show empathy for that child and allow them to use their own money to purchase any other headphones they deem more appropriate. You provide the basics is what I’d recommend and allow them the flexibility to use their own money to upgrade if they want to.

Moving around – Now some families are finding that their kids need to have different locations through the day or week to keep things fresh. It’s really hard for kids to sit in one place for a long time so they are getting out of their chairs and wandering when things get boring or hard. Maybe they do online in one location but do their required reading on their bed or a comfortable chair.
- If you have multiple kids who need some variety in location, set up a schedule of who goes where and when. Maybe one location is the kitchen table and another is more private. If both kids want the same location feel free to ask them how they’d like to rotate – daily, weekly or maybe even throughout the day. Let them have input if at all possible. You know I love Family Meetings and this could be a topic for your family.
- If you have other areas of your home, feel free to use them as long as they are set up ahead of time. One family is working to figure out how to rotate to the backyard picnic table while the weather is still nice out for a few hours a day. It might take some trial and error to figure out how long and what time of day, but it’s worth a try. You allowing for flexibility in keeping kids engaged in fresh ways to learn is really helpful.
Charge devices - Keeping devices charged and ready to go is also super important. When devices fail families get crazy stressed out with anxiety about missing out on work or being embarrassed that they aren’t online when everyone else is. Many families are finding that chargers with extension cords or power strips that remain plugged in all day and night works best. The rule should be: If your kid is online, they should be plugged in.
Check video and audio connections – You also need to make sure video, audio and connectivity is working. Someone should test all of these out probably 30 minutes before class starts in the morning. If you have a child in 3rd grade or higher, they should be the one testing everything out. If there are problems, work with them to train them on what was done to fix the problem. Some schools have special hotlines set up for students and parents to call for technical assistance. If you’re fortunate to have that support, have that number or web address printed out on a paper and posted somewhere really obvious so you can call or email without a struggle if you need outside help. With school starting up the this issue is probably the most stressful for just about every family I talked to. Prepare for problems and know what you’ll do if they happen.
Keep online safety in mind – Now I want to talk about online safety. If you’ve listened to my podcasts on Screen Time Issues, episodes 11 and 12, you know how highly I press home the point to keep all electronics in public places. Well, for some of you with multiple kids learning at home in addition to adults working from home, you might have to compromise and let kids work in their bedrooms, sometimes even with the door closed. In this difficult time we need to be flexible, I think it’s fine to revise some of those screen time rules but not to throw them out the window.

During the times of the day that online learning is happening, room time screen time is fine. Once online learning is done, all devices come out of the rooms or get powered down. If that doesn’t happen and you find your kid on YouTube or Fortnite, make sure you have consequences defined just like you have in the Digital Contract for your home that was talked about in the Screen Time podcasts.
I would also recommend letting everyone know that once we return to in-person learning that the family screen time rules will go back to being what they were with no screens in bedrooms. Mention that every so once in a while so that it’s not a big shock when the rules are imposed again later on.

Just to let you know how serious this is, I already heard from one school that they had to deal with a 5th grade boy logging on to porn during class time. Just imagine what can happen if you left the device in the bedroom day and night with no supervision.

2 - ESTABLISH CLEAR ROUTINES
Now I want to move on to how to keep things running smoothly in your home through all of this by establishing clear routines so everyone knows what to expect, it’s not a jumble every day.

DAILY SCHEDULE -Have a daily schedule not only for academics that most schools are already providing, but also for family routines. When does everyone wake up? Eat breakfast? Make it be as much like “real school” as possible. You won’t have to get “out the door” but being “in your seat” and having guidelines for getting there is really helpful to everyone. Do the same for after school and bedtime routines so that things feel “normal”.
POST INFO - You might want to post their routines on a bulletin board or on the kitchen fridge so that they can, or you can, refer to them.
WEEKLY SCHEDULE - In addition, have a weekly schedule to show assignments and assessments plus other fun activities both with school, family and friends. Have your child make the schedule if at all possible.
I found a fun resource on Pinterest that I’ll include in the show notes that has blank daily and weekly schedules and even some useful signs to print out so your kids can let others know if they’re online or taking a test or on away from their computer.

Next, set up regular CHECK-IN times with your child especially if they are in elementary school.
- Morning – it could just over breakfast
  - What subjects are today?
  - Any tests/assessments coming up?
  - What resources do you need?
  - What can mom/dad do to help?
- End of Day – maybe right after online learning ends but could be at dinner or before bedtime
  - How far did you get in your tasks?
  - What did you discover?
  - What did you do great? (“Glow”)
  - What was hard? (“Grow” opportunities)
  - What could we do to make tomorrow better?
- Most reports I have from high school students and their parents is that the students are tracking their own schedules, but parents should still lovingly check in to see how things are going.

YOU NEED TO HELP WITH TIME – Another area to assist with time. Time is a tricky thing. If you’re too young to tell time, it can be stressful to know if you’re on time, if you’re older you can get distracted and not even look at a clock. Using timers and alarms can be a godsend. Figuring out if you need an alarm for a specific time like 8:30am to get online vs. setting a countdown timer that shows how much of a 90-minute session is left can be really helpful.

One family told me their son was so anxious about getting back online after lunch that he was short-changing himself time allocated to lunch. Setting an alarm really helped him but a countdown timer that starts at noon and counts down for 60 minutes can work too. Ask your child and experiment with what works for them. You can get timers from Target or Amazon or download timer and alarm apps from the internet.

3 – Another thing you want to do is ENCOURAGE INDEPENDENCE

There are a few things you can do to help to do that:
Let the teacher teach! Don’t assume you have to do the teaching. Yes, you might answer a question or two, but you don’t need to learn how to teach algebra, that’s what the teacher is for.
Let your child own their work. The more you can let your child own their education, the better off everyone will be. Training your child to take charge of their schedule, devices and school work is where we need to head. Let them make mistakes and you be around to help problem solve. From what I’ve heard kids who are 4th grade and older are doing pretty well understanding that their school is their school and they don’t need a parent hovering very much at all.
Train them to ask their teacher. Let them ask the teacher for help, don’t step in and ask the teacher for them. Show them how to ask for help, model it for them. Model anything and everything they need to be successful. Don’t do things for them, if at all possible. If you feel that you need to talk to the teacher make sure your child is around to participate.

4 – SUPPORT FAMILY LEARNING

When school isn’t in session, try to look for creative opportunities to include learning in the rest of the day:
- Cooking - Math/science/reading– measure things, fractions, weigh things, read recipes – make cookies, make dinner, make sourdough bread, just make anything and include your kids
- Laundry – Math – count socks, matching, sorting like things
- Gardening – science
- Vacuuming or sweeping – PE!
- Just have fun!
BOREDOM BUSTERS – It would also be helpful to have ideas ready in the event that things are going sideways with either learning or the environment. If they can’t connect, make sure they know there are options of other things they can do. Keep a list of those nearby so they are easy for them to find. If they can’t read yet, make picture posters of ideas but the point is that you are prepared with things to do. I’ll put a link to my Pinterest pages with activity ideas.

https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/boredom-busters/
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/kids-fun-indoor-activities/
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/activities-for-teens/

5 – LEAD YOUR TEAM THROUGH CHALLENGING TIMES
The last point I want to go over is tying in what some of you heard in Episode 17. I encouraged families to come together as a team to solve challenges, so burdens are shared and solutions celebrated. We need to do this with distanced learning issues. When problems arise, you need to lead your family team to solutions! Here are some topics I’ve run across in my discussions with parents lately are probably affecting quite a few of you:

Quiet times – when are they? When can people run the dishwasher or play music?
When can you interrupt mom/dad when they’re working? Is it any time or a set time of day?
How are the interruptions done? Is there a signal? One family has their kids slide a note under the office door to let dad know they need help. Another family can see mom through a glass door into her office and stand quietly outside till mom can give them a hint about how long it will be till she can see them.
How are emotions handled? If there are problems that are serious, how can everyone keep their wits about them? What can we put in place if the work gets hard for our kids to let off some steam? Or if they’re bored?
Time with friends- is there a schedule? A time limit? Can they meet their friends online or do they form a pod with a few other families so they can see each other in person? What are the rules for meeting in person, how can it be safe?
Special time with parents per kid – when can each kid have some special time with mom or with dad? What schedule can work for your family to make sure you have time to connect?

I want to tell you about a single mom who reached out to me at her wits end. Her 5th grade son was getting so bored with his online school during the day that he’d constantly get up to get snacks, go to the bathroom, do art or Legos. He wasn’t paying attention. It was so frustrating for mom. Now when we’re upset our brains often go offline and we just can’t even think straight. After chatting with her for a while, it became obvious that she needed to set up a Family Meeting and go over some of these challenges. They needed to solve them together.

The two of us brainstormed for a bit so that she’d have some ideas for the meeting. We talked about if there were other locations rather than just the kitchen table that her son could be at where mom was also trying to work and couldn’t get anything done with her son roaming around. They are in an apartment so there aren’t many options, but no one was using one of the bedrooms and there was also a balcony available. Could they work something out so that he rotated to different areas throughout the day? He also has a really great teacher and we talked about how they could enlist her help in either coming up with more challenging work or different ways to engage her son so that he doesn’t get so bored. Also, maybe there are some quiet toys he can keep nearby that will keep him in his seat or how about a “no snacks till recess” rule? It’ll be trial and error for a bit but at least they can be a team to tackle the boredom problem so that mom can get back to work and so can he.

BE FLEXIBLE AND STAY IN TOUCH
The final and most important thing I want to go over is to do what you know is right for your child. Some kids will be emotional roller coasters with anxiety. Please be gentle and be flexible in this challenging time that none of us have ever been through before. Nobody expects parents to replace classroom teachers. And no one expects children to perfectly mimic a classroom situation at home. Positive intentions, love, consistency, and grace will go a long way towards helping all of us survive this period of isolation and emerge as better people on the other side. Hang in there!

I hope this was helpful. If you’d like to spend some time brainstorming your challenges with me, I’m happy to assist. You can either email me at mary@parentingdecoded.com or join my Facebook Group called Parenting Decoded and post your issues there for others to learn from. It’s a “private” group and if you have any trouble joining it, just email me.

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POSTCAST 12: Screen Time Issues: Part 2 - Individual Electronics

6/7/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:   LISTEN

Thanks for coming back to read Part 2 of my screen time rules. I hope to build on what you learned in Part 1 so that you can deal with the more complicated issues when your kids are old enough to have their own phones, laptops and computers. It’s a challenging world out there and I want you to be well-equipped.

In Part 1, we talked about “family screens” and how to set limits with obedience, and, if there’s not, how to set up effective consequences.

Now, in Part 2, I’ll cover my final 5 rules dealing with older kids when individual cell-phones, laptops and other electronics come in to play by about middle school. However, with COVID-19 this is happening even earlier. It seems that these rules will apply to lots of elementary school age children who are now doing online school and have access to tablets and laptops that they view as their own.

I do want to mention a few things about how teens and tweens use their devices before I start. Common Sense Media’s 2019 survey of media use in teens and tweens say that by age 11, 53% of kids have their own smart phone, by age 12 it’s 69%. That’s a whole lot of phones in the hands of very young people.

I was also amazed to see that 69% of teens are watching YouTube every day.

Other interesting info in that survey how boys’ and girls’ media tastes vary. While 70% of boys 8-18 say they like playing video games of any sort “a lot”, only 23% of girls say that; 41% play every day while only 9% of girls do. Girls, on the other hand, love listening to music; 73% say they like it “a lot” compared to 59% of boys. 50% of girls say they like using social media “a lot” while only 32% of boys do.

I mention these stats just to give us a common ground to think about how the rules we’re going to discuss fit into the lives of your kids.

With that said, let’s dive in!

RULE 9: Use Contracts
I highly recommend that every family introduce a digital contract whenever personal electronics are about to appear in your kids’ lives. Notice the timing, I said ABOUT. You want to leverage your child’s willingness to listen and negotiate with you while they don’t have a phone or laptop yet. It might seem a little ridiculous to bring in a business type document into your family’s life but, you just have to trust me, you’ll really need this to get through things in the long run. Actually, I take that back, don’t trust me but listen to what happens to families when rules around electronics aren’t defined ahead of time.

Let’s say at 8th grade your child gets their first iPhone. Woohoo! They are so happy and you are the most amazing parent. Your child says they’ll be responsible and since they are so sweet and happy you all rest easily. That is, until they start staying up late watching YouTube videos or you find them texting at all hours of the night. You asked them to charge in the kitchen and they do it for a while. They constantly have their phones in their room when they’re doing their homework and it just never makes it to the charging station at night. Hmm... They need it, they say, to get help from friends. Sure, you say.

However, each time things get a little more out of whack and your child gets annoyed with you bothering them about being on their phone so much. You start taking it away when they are sassy to you or they don’t do their chores. It becomes a weapon in your relationship. All the while your child retreats more and more to their room, closing you out of their lives a little bit more each day. Fighting and yelling escalate, you come to me wondering what you can do. You have no relationship left, you’ve killed it fighting about the phone and you’ve driven your child away from you when they actually need you the most. Frightening, isn’t it?

Well, it happens all the time. Yes, all the time. If you’re a parent in this situation right now and relationships have been badly damaged, then you might need professional help. It’s a super tough place to be. Our pastor at my church called trying to take away a cell phone from a teen and create boundaries after they’ve had unlimited access would be like choosing to start World War 3.

However, if this isn’t you and you still have a relationship with your child that you can build on, then you’re in luck. Start now and things can go well!   I don’t want to be overly pessimistic since it certainly is true that many of us will weather the storm of electronics in our lives, but we just never know which one of us will be hit with a hurricane so we might as well weather-proof as much as possible.

So, let’s get back to the concept of setting up a digital contract. First, when’s the best time to set it up? BEFORE your child has access to individual devices. You will be able to have discussions with kids who are drooling at the prospect of getting their own phone, laptop or tablet. However, if your child’s school has already issued them a device for schoolwork or you’ve purchased one for them to use in this crazy time of COVID, just go ahead and introduce the idea of a contract now. I’d set up a family meeting to do it.

What’s in a contract?
This is going to be a family document and it will need to evolve over time as your kids needs grow and change. It will look different for a 5th grader than what an 8th grader or a high school junior. It needs to evolve and it should be negotiated, not dictated, if you want to up the chance of compliance and be able to have a healthy relationship as you go through the teen years together.

The structure of the document will remain the same. It will cover:

Location of devices – during use, when charging. (Remember Rule #1? No devices in the bedroom!)
Use of devices – for homework, for steaming videos, gaming, social media
Time of day devices are used -after homework and chores
Who has access to download apps – for young ones only parents
What passwords are required to tell parents – for young ones always, negotiate as they age
Rules for when parents can monitor – keep random checks a possibility
Define consequences – the most important part of the contract!
- Have your kids help define these, the compliance goes way up when they participate in creating what they think are reasonable consequences
- Have differing levels based on type of offenses
  - Not charging is a day without a phone
  - Using it at 2am on a weekday to watch YouTube might be a week
  - Downloading apps without permission another type of consequence
  - Etc.
- Expand the possibilities of consequences to include things like extra chores or outdoor activities, not just taking away electronics. Keep in mind that when you take away electronics our kids think we’re mean and uncaring. The entire time they don’t have them they focus on how much they are mad at us and not on themselves for the poor choice they made when they chose to break the Digital Contract you all agreed to.

I have a sample contract on my website that I’ll put a link to in the podcast notes. It was written by a family with a 7th grader and freshman in high school. You can even download the file and edit it to work for your family. You can also feel free to surf the internet, there are lots and lots of sample contracts available.

Setting up a contract with consequences can be tricky since kids really don’t want Big Brother breathing down their necks. However, even though kids don’t want to be monitored, you making sure there’s a way to do so that’s part of your family life when they are young will give you some avenues in dealing with things if your child steps over the line and needs to be reeled in later.

A few notes on contracts during COVID:

update them as things change; it’s totally fine to make modifications to the contract at times like these. Many parents are doubling their kids’ screen time limits or using chores or outdoor time as ways to earn more screen time. Be creative and get it in writing how those things are done.
you MUST figure out ways to monitor and use the consequences you’ve set up, rules without consequences prove to our kids that there are no rules which leads to them running their own show and ruins our family relationships and trust

RULE 10: Use Monitoring Software
Monitoring software is something that you can put on your child’s devices that can watch and alert you proactively for certain behaviors you and your family deem unacceptable. Say, for instance, no bulling. Monitoring software is tough to come by and none do 100% of what we might like it to do.

One company called Bark has monitoring software that I think is pretty good. Its motto is: monitor – detect – alert. It doesn’t prevent, that’s what Parental Controls do back in Rule #5. It uses artificial intelligence to “watch” apps your child is using – SnapChat, Instagram, Tik-Tok, whatever – and alerts you if it sees patterns of words that fall into the category of bullying. It doesn’t shut down access but it allows for conversations to take place between yourself and your child about what you’ve been alerted to.

One friend’s son was watching porn in high school. His dad had no idea. Once dad found out they were able to discuss the issue of porn and decided to install Bark. It’s not meant to be invasive but helpful. The thing to know is that the Bark interface needs to be installed on each app on your child’s phone with their consent. If you set up your child’s cell phone correctly with a digital contract in place that specifies that Bark is required for all apps, you’ll be in a good place. It does cost about $10/month or $99/year per family. I think it’s worth it but only if you have a good relationship with your child.

There are a few other tracker types of software but they all have limitations and require cooperation from your kids to use. Which means having a good, trusting relationship with your child is going to be your best bet in protecting against digital issues in the long run.

RULE 11: Talk about Online Safety
Rule 10 is pretty complicated since it implies some of Big Brother that our kids absolutely don’t want in their lives. If you set up ways to have open conversations about online safety starting when they are young and growing in topics and scope as they get older, you’ll have a chance that you can raise digitally aware kids.

In the contract you should be specific about some safety rules like no giving out personal info, no bullying, what to do if bullying occurs and such. All of these topics, however, that are in the contract need to be talked about so that your family is all on the same page. You need to address things like answering the phone when mom or dad calls but also how “ghosting” and “cancelling” friends online is super toxic and hurtful. Have those discussions.
Talk about sexting and how it impacts lives and reputations. Ask your kids if they’ve seen any of these behaviors. Talk about why people might do these bad behaviors. Nearly 40% of children in a Dec 2019 study say they’ve either received or sent a “sext” by the age of 13. Disturbing.

RULE 12: Talk about Social Media and Gaming

Earlier in the podcast I talked about how girls are much more into Social Media – Instagram, SnapChat, Tik-Tok, to name a few. Girls bond by chatting and social media falls right into girlhood social life as well as girlhood drama. Girls are twice as likely as boys to be bullied. There is no longer empathy when a post hurts someone since the person bullying can’t see the hurt on the person’s face anymore. It makes bullying easy with very little consequence. You need to talk to your girls about that.

However, we parents also need to understand the more subtle ways social media is used to bully. If you read a text or see a post that says someone is ugly or stupid, that’s easy. What you can’t see is that an app like SnapChat has a feature where kids can set up what is called a “streak”. Here’s how it works. Let’s say I’m your friend and I send you a Snap today. Well, since we’re good buddies you send one back. That’s a “streak” of one. Tomorrow we so the same thing. Our streak goes to two, the next day three, the next four, etc. Let’s say I have a few other friends besides you and I’ve got 10 streaks going at the same time but you get mad at me. You know what you do because you’re pissed? You break our streak. Yep. Just cut it. We had 251 days of streaking just gone and I am not your friend any more. You didn’t use any words, did you, but all our friends know what you just did to me even if my parents don’t.

How about Instagram? Super popular. There are “likes” on Instagram. I post a selfie of me (tweens and teen girls love selfies!) and I get 150 likes in a day. I’m popular, right? That must have been an amazing picture, right? Well, you post a selfie and got 3 likes in a day. You are so crushed and hurt you take your selfie down. Another subtle form of bullying that parents and Bark type software will probably never be able to detect. No words used again. Tik-Tok works the same way.

Those are just two forms of subtle bullying that go on that parents miss all the time. You need to keep up on new apps and what they’re about. In a few years, the two I mention here will be so “last year” and there will be new Tik-Toks to replace them that you’ll have to understand. It’s complicated and it will stay that way. Stay in touch with your girls. If you see big mood swings and isolation going on it’s something to worry about. Use websites like Common Sense Media, Axis and StayHipp to keep up to date.

Boys, on the other hand, do participate in social media to a lesser degree but they are more likely to dive deep into gaming. It’s fun and boys connect by doing not by socializing. If you have a son who is a gamer, stay close instead of staying away. Learn what they like about the game they are playing, what they are learning about life as they play.

Many of these games require teamwork to win or concentration and skill. What is your son gaining? Fortnite and Mindcraft are currently super popular games for younger boys, maybe tween and under. Play with them. Watch them play. Ask them about their characters or which friends are playing with them.

Many boys will move on to more aggressive games in middle and high school that require more skill and dedication. My son in high school decided he wanted to be a professional gamer. His game of choice at the time was Counterstrike, a war-time type game. I took a big gulp and went along for the ride for about 5 years. I stayed close. Asked questions about the game. We had gaming nights where his friends all brought their gaming computers and could be in the same room playing instead of separately.

My son learned many important skills that, if I wasn’t looking, I would have missed. He learned that picking the right teammates was hard, not everyone had his dedication. It was frustrating. He learned that a team had to work together to win, no one hot shot could do it all. As he evolved, he became the head of his 5-person team. He had to help resolve issues between teammates when they came up. It was amazing! I could see how really important life skills were being learned.

He was a very good student and was heavily involved in school sports so he had some balance in his life but he still loved gaming. I could have spent years fighting with him to get off his computer and would not have much of a relationship with him today if I’d done that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not promoting gaming, I’m just saying that if your child is headed that way, find the good as well as making sure there’s a balance.

My son just graduated from college in Computer Science. Whew. He still loves to play games but did find out on his own after approaching the semi-pro level while in college that playing for fun was much more rewarding. He learned it, not me. I was able to love him when it got tough because we still had a relationship.

RULE 13: Talk about Porn
There are many ways parents can use software and hardware to assist us in the never-ending battle for control of screen time. In Rule #5 we talked about Parental Controls. I absolutely want to make sure you’re setting up as much filtering as possible to prevent porn from easily coming into your home and on to devices that travel outside your home.

However, you need to talk about porn. Yes, it’s a really awkward subject but our kids will find porn one way or another. At first, in about late elementary school, it’s accidental. A friend at school with an older sibling shows them on a phone or when they go over to another house for a playdate that doesn’t have good filters. Then curiosity hits and more porn gets into their lives.

When the brain is under development as it is in puberty there are new neurological connections being made every day. Listen to Episode 2 on the teen brain if you haven’t already for more details. These connections on porn can get hardwired so that our kids young minds think that porn is “normal” sex. For some, healthy sexual relations are impacted in the long term which is super sad. There has been a noticeable spike sexual impotence of men in their 20s largely due to porn.

How do you talk to them? If you have younger kids maybe 4-9 there’s a really nice book called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Kids. If you google how to talk to teens about porn you’ll get quite a few resources that have some really great suggestions for setting up discussions with your kids. I will put links to some of those in my show notes. I hope you’ll take a look at some and set up ways to talk to your kids. It is going to be awkward and I will pray that it goes well for you but please make the effort.

Well, that’s the end of my Screen Time Rules. You made it!

I hope you’ve got some really practical ideas about dealing with electronics in your homes. Please set up contracts with your kids and have some discussions about hard topics with them. Set yourselves up for success by working with your kids to tackle these issues, don’t be a dictator. If you run into new troubles, stop and take time to address them as a family.

That’s all for now. I would love it if you’re listening if you can forward this podcast on to a friend or two. There just isn’t enough practical help for parents in dealing with screens. I hope you think you’ve gained some good ideas that are worth passing on.

Take care and be safe.

Have a blessed rest of your day.

Helpful Websites for Keeping Up To Date
www.CommonSenseMedia.org
www.Axis.org
www.StayHipp.com

Digital Contract Sample
https://www.parentingwithlogic.com/family-digital-contract.html

Book for Talking to Younger Kids about Porn
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Pictures-Bad-Porn-Proofing-Todays-ebook/dp/B07KQFWR6J/ref=sr_1_1?crid=M3J0KWQJUIJ&dchild=1&keywords=good+pictures+bad+pictures&qid=1590185110&sprefix=good+picture%2Caps%2C218&sr=8-1

Website Resources for Talking to Teens about Porn
https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/entertainment-technology/pornography-sexting/pornography-talking-with-teens

https://childmind.org/article/how-to-talk-to-teenagers-about-porn/

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