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Podcast 19: Calming the Chaos with Choices

9/21/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​

Do you feel like you’re always battling your child?   You tell them to do something and you immediately get a “no” followed by whining and complaining or outright defiance?  A simple request that turns into a war is enough to send us over the edge sometimes. 

In this article we’re going to talk about how to avoid power struggles by using a secret weapon -- Choices!


Battle for Control
When our kids are putting up a big fuss, whether it’s about going to bed or getting off electronics, they push our buttons so quickly that our brains go into resistance mode and we allow ourselves to be pulled into a power struggle.  We want the best for our kids and we know how to get it to them efficiently and effectively so they should just do what we say.  Some of us are extra frustrated because when we were kids, we didn’t give our own parents such grief and that thought makes US even more frustrated with this whole situation. 

We’ve talked a lot about helicopter parents in my previous podcasts but now I want to talk about another type: Drill Sergeants. Parents who always want to tell their kids what and how to do things are called “Drill Sergeants”.  Kids of drill sergeants grow up feeling they’re not listened to and their opinions don’t count.  They are ignored. 

Well, for parents who want to raise kids who are followers that might work well.  But who is really trying to do that?  Anyone?  No way, our society tells us we’re supposed to be raising leaders, right?  Now I do want to mention that most of us fluctuate between being a helicopter parent and a drill sergeant depending on the circumstance, our kids’ mood and our mood.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of but it is something to be aware of.  It’s when we switch into our drill sergeant mode that our kids start joining the army to battle anything coming their way.  Yikes!

What’s a parent to do?  Shut down our natural drill sergeant tendencies and bring choices into play.  We should give away control as much as possible especially about things we don’t really care about and as many times a day as we possibly can.  Allowing our kids lots of choices gives them the power over their lives that they are seeking.  It not only will build confidence about their ability to make decisions but also reassure them that they can control some things in life.  It’s soothing to not only their hearts and minds but also to your mind and spirit.  Who wants to go through life feeling like we have to battle our kids at every turn?

One thing to note is that you need to give choices when things are going well, before any power struggle erupts.  How do you do that? 

Offer Playful Choices When Young
When kids are little, I find that parents can have a lot of fun offering playful choices that help to serve as distractions that wind up easily preventing battles.

Here’s a classic drill sergeant parenting move: It’s time to go to bed.  Please go change and get ready.

Often, you get the classic answer: No!  I don’t want to go to bed!

In this case, emotion is already engaged so you’ve got a battle on your hands.  So, what can you do instead BEFORE any resistance happens? 

Try this:
“It’s time to go to bed…” and then offer some of these options:
  • Would you like to walk backwards to your bedroom or hop on one foot?
    Would you like to race daddy or mommy back to the bedroom?
  • Would you like to take a bath first or brush your teeth first?
  • Would you like to brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
  • Would you like to wear your pajamas tonight to bed or put on your clothes for tomorrow so you don’t have to do in the morning?
  • Would you like to go to bed in 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing full well that 15 is your goal)
  • Would you like to read one book or two? (knowing you are prepared to read two!)

Offer Just Two Options
Notice how I’m giving just two choices, not a huge menu.  You want to focus the options to be things that you’re ok with.  Just like the time for going to bed I offered two times that I liked – 5 minutes or 15 minutes.  If an hour isn’t an option, then I don’t offer it. You also don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you’re waiting for a response. 

Decide for Them If They Can’t Decide
Choices, when offered, should be decided within 5-10 seconds.  If it takes longer, you’re being held for ransom, so you need to go ahead and decide for your child.  It’ll sound something like:
“Oh, this is so sad.  It looks like you’re having trouble deciding.  I’m going to give you a bath before books.  I’m sure tomorrow night you’ll be able to choose on our own.”

Now some kids might have a tantrum at the prospect of you choosing for them but you need to brace yourself for that and give them empathy and love but their time to choose has passed.  This might seem crazy at first but after a few rounds of this your child will know that if they really want some control over things in their lives, they’ll have to do it on a timely basis. 

You just keep churning out the choices when things are calm.  One thing is certain, if a kid’s brain is triggered into an emotional battle, choices won’t work.  Their brain is “off” so don’t start trying to load in choices right then.    Sometimes we try to fix things by using choices like a kid having a tantrum over what you’re serving for dinner: “Oh, you don’t like the chicken nuggets for dinner?  How about mac n cheese or spaghetti?”  When your kids are upset, let them be upset.  Give them love and empathy and maybe a few hugs until their emotions have settled down and then, and only then, would you try to solve the problem and might offer some choices to do that.  “Wow, I can tell you were upset earlier about having chicken nuggets.  That’s so sad.  Tomorrow would you like spaghetti or mac n cheese?”  This is all assuming you don’t mind having spaghetti or mac n cheese for dinner. 

Teens and Choices
Those of you who have older kids might say to yourselves that those fun-filled choices of hopping and skipping to bed or the car for are beyond you and you might just be right.  However, your battles can be bigger, can’t they?  Those tweens and teens really want control over their lives.  When kids don’t have control, they can set the whole house into a tailspin of tension and mistrust that can make every day miserable.  To counter that tendency, as kids grow, we need to transition them to making more and more decisions so they are prepared for the real world.  You aren’t protecting them from anything by being over protective and restraining them.

You need to up your game by allowing them more choices that are more advanced.  Here are some examples,
  • Instead of, “go brush your teeth” you give them a choice of brushing their teeth twice a day or paying for extra cleanings.  
  • Instead of dealing with a stinky teen who won’t bathe, let them know they are welcome to shower either before dinner or in the morning, dinner or breakfast will be served accordingly.
  • Instead of doing their laundry for them and demanding they bring you their dirty clothes, let them know they can do their laundry on Saturday when you’re not using the machine or after 5pm during on Mondays.  In that example, notice you’re not only giving choices but you’re helping them with a life lesson in laundry.
  • Instead of hearing them complain about what you’re cooking for dinner, ask them which day they’d like to make dinner, Monday night or Sunday.
  • Would they like take out the trash before dinner or after dinner?
  • Would they like to use their laptop in the kitchen or the dining room?  (notice their bedroom isn’t an option)
  • Would they like help with your to help with math or would they like to have a study group?
  • Would they like to join a soccer team or a baseball team?

Not Everything is a Choice
I do want to let you know that you don’t need to make a choice about everything.   Brushing teeth in most families isn’t a matter of a choice but allowing them to pick electric or hand brushing or which toothpaste or what timer to use to know they’ve brushed long enough can all be options offered as choices.  You get to choose the topics that can have choices. 

In a previous podcast, I talked about a mom who was having trouble getting her kids to wear their helmets when bike riding.  It’s a safety issue that’s non-negotiable.  The only choice I would offer would be do you want to ride with a helmet or not ride a bike?  That’s more like a threat.  I’ll talk in my next podcast about how to use well defined boundaries in situations like that instead of choices so stay tuned for that. 

Resistance to Choices – How to Handle It
Now there are lots of you regular listeners who tell me that choices are amazing, but they don’t always work.  Maybe they work with one child but your other child just likes “no” a little too much.  Here are some tips:


  1. If they won’t choose quickly enough or want to make their own options, hold fast and let them know they can choose next time, but you go ahead and choose for them this time.
  2. If you’re consistent then they know you’ll be true to your word.  Give them empathy if they start giving a major fuss that they don’t like the options given.  Feel free to go brain dead and say “I knooooooow” as a response.   It’s ok for our kids not to like all our choices so we need to make sure we keep our emotions in check in the event our kids don’t like our choices.  Saying something like: “This is so sad.  That’s not one of the choices right now.  I’m happy to let you choose something else at a different time.”  Then you go ahead and pick one of the choices.  Don’t let getting grief from your child throw you off. 
  3. If your child really won’t choose and a major battle still ensues, I’d recommend you go listen to Podcast 10 on Consequences and Punishments.  You’ll get a lot of ideas on how to react in a calm and loving manner. 
  4. Feel free to email me as well or connect with me on Facebook.  I love brainstorming with parents their challenging situations!

Using choices and giving kids lots of practice with making decisions is super healthy.  As kids learn to trust that you value their opinion and hear what they have to say, their self-worth and self-esteem can grow and blossom.  You will see your child empowered and wanting to cooperate instead of going to battle with you.  In the end, you’ll be looking for more ways to give your child choices.
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Bottomline: use choices, use them often, use them with just a few options that you like.
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PODCAST Episode 5: Fun With Food: Teen Edition

3/15/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:   LISTEN

In my previous podcast about food battles I was talking about troubles with younger kids; however, parents of teens and tweens also tend to have issues with food. I’m going to talk about what you can do with issues like kids skipping meals, the emotional instability having “hangry” kids and how to react to different types of diets teens try.   I hope you enjoy it!
 
First, what to do about kids who skip meals? 
We’ve all heard breakfast is the most important meal of the day, right?  Well, so many teenagers just skip it!  That’s not healthy at all and we know it.  Or, how about teens who just eat French fries for lunch at school.  Or just a piece of cheese pizza, day after day.  They are all growing still!  Don’t they understand their brains need veggies and Omega 3s?  They need really protein, not just carbs, right?  However, lecturing doesn’t change a thing, does it? Sometimes we might be able to guilt then into eating a granola bar on their way out the door to school in the morning but it’s only due to our nagging, not because they believe us.  Sigh…


What do we do?  We have to let go.  Just let them own their own food.  Our job is the same as when they were little, we provide healthy choices and they decide what and how much.  We can tempt them with their favorite dinner if we want but we have to restrain ourselves from being upset if they decide not to eat it. 
 
We need to them do this as long as you don’t see negative food behaviors like anorexia or bulimia.  They are serious conditions that need medical help right away.  But, as long as you’re not feeling a medical emergency is imminent, just let it go and give them love and encouragement.  A dear friend had a son who only ate a certain type of pasta and doritos every day from about middle to high school.  He was known as the Dorito Kid.  He’s out of college now, has a great job and loves the outdoors.  He’s fine and mom was wise to bide her time with his eating. 
 
What about “hangry” kids and the emotions it creates?
If they turn into “hangry” monsters when their blood sugar levels go off the charts try to get them some food if they’ll let you but don’t nag, just offer. 

Then, just l like I talked about in Podcast #2 about Teens and emotion, you want to wait until they are calm, maybe a day or two later, and talk to them about what you noticed and how it affected you.  Something like: “Gee, you were really out of sorts yesterday.  It seems like you were hangry and really grumpy.  Can we talk about that?”  You’re looking for them to say “yes” so that you can have a discussion.  Keep in mind that a discussion is different than a lecture.  You need to ask questions, not tell your child what to do.  Ask them how they felt and what they could do about it.  Would they like some suggestions?  If you keep a loving and empathetic tone and allow them to own the problem of their hangriness, things will go much better than if we just sit them down and we are frustrated and angry.  
 
How about kids who have weird diets?
These years seem to be ones where our kids want to experiment with lots of behaviors and sometimes it has to do with food.  Maybe you’re a family who eats meat and all the sudden your teen decides to be a vegetarian and upsets your whole meal planning.  Or maybe they go on a Keto diet or a Bulletproof Diet or any number of other fad diets.  It can be frustrating from a parental point of view especially if you think it’s not healthy. 

My encouragement would be to be interested in why your child is choosing to change and maybe even experiment with them by looking up recipes and cooking with them.  I would not change my entire family over to the new plan but I think showing respect for their new ideas and having a bit of fun with them can really help build a positive relationship.  One son of mine did the Bullet Proof Diet for a while – coffee with butter in it wasn’t my favorite but I did try it for a while.  He moved from that to some sort of protein powder body building diet and I let him use his own money and he did his own research on what to use. 

Another friend of his was on vacation with us and was very dedicated to the Keto Diet which was super challenging but it I used it as a learning experience and even tried it for a while myself.  It wasn’t for me but I think having an attitude of allowing our teens to expand our horizons really builds bonds in ways that grow stronger and stronger over time. 
 
That’s all for now!  I hope you find it useful thinking about teens and food issues.  If you have more questions about teens and food that I didn’t cover,  I’d love to hear from you!
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PODCAST Episode 4 - Fun with Food: Toddler to Elementary Edition

3/13/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:    ​LISTEN

Today we’re going to talk about ideas that will move meal times from battles to enjoyable dining.  First, I’m going to talk about how to get kids to sit and eat – a huge problem for many families.  Then we’ll talk about getting your kids to eat different types of food – the next most challenging food topic for parents of little ones. This podcast will concentrate on parents with kids from toddler to elementary school age.  I have a special “teen edition” of food issues that I’m putting up as my next podcast so stay tuned for that if you’ve got older kids.  

With that said, let’s dive in and let’s learn some more practical parenting wisdom relating to food. 

First, how to get kids to sit and eat.  For some of you, the dinner table is a jumping box – kids getting up and down at will having no particular interest in eating, they’d rather be playing.  You might start your meal together but within minutes your kids are out of their seats.  You’re either yelling at them to come back to the table or running after them with food.  For others of you, to get peace at your dinner table you set your kids up on some sort of electronic device.  Your table is quiet and kids stay seated but your kids eat so slowly you wind up feeding them by hand.  If you try to remove the electronics, your kids have meltdowns.  Oh my… no fun at all!

I love to pose the question as to why we parents do this to ourselves?  Is it nutrition?  Are we worried about weight issues?  Or is it a balanced diet?  You know your kids likes carbs but they just aren’t interested in those vegetables, right?  Or maybe it’s different?  Love veggies but not protein.  We want them to be healthy and we feel food is so important that we will put up with just about any behavior for them to be fed nutritious meals, right?  It’s exhausting!

Family Mealtime Rules

So, we need to make a plan.  To change this dynamic we have to set what I call Family Mealtime Rules.  We need to put boundaries and expectations in place so that our whole family knows what to expect.  Here’s the list of four essential rules to getting your family mealtimes into line:
  1. We eat at the table
  2. We don’t have electronics, toys, or books while we eat
  3. If a kid can lift a fork on their own, they need to feed themselves
  4. When someone gets up from the table, they are done eating
 
Pretty ambitious, right?  Putting loving boundaries around acceptable behaviors at the table is essential.  You might have heard that kids need limits and when they don’t have them, they think the sky is the limit.  If your mealtimes are out of control it might be because the limits haven’t been set by you and possibly, they’ve been set instead by your kids which is a recipe for disaster. 
 
How long should dinner time or breakfast take in your home – 20 minutes?  30?  10?  I want you to pick a time and shoot for it.   In our example here I’m going to say about 20 minutes since it’s pretty normal. 
Now let’s go through each one of those four rules and see how you can implement them in a loving and consistent manner.


  1. Eat at the table
    1. Pretty simple, just like it says, not on the couch in front of a TV
  2. No electronics or books or private toys
    1. You need to realize this is just for 20 minutes and that you and your kids can make it together for that time without private distractions.  Yes, that means no electronics for mom or dad either.  Some parents have kids who want to bring cars or trucks or dolls to the table, no thank you for those either!
    2. If you’d like a distraction then offer a family game to play like Yahtzee, Candy Lane, any group game you can all play together.  “Together” is the operative word here.  In my family I set up something called a “Conversation Jar” – it was a bin that had slips of paper kids could draw from with questions them; things like “What was one thing you learned today?” or “What’s your favorite movie?” or “Tell us a joke.”  There are even decks of cards you can buy with conversation type questions on them if you don’t want to make up your own.
    3. The main point here is that personal distractions aren’t allowed but group distractions are.  My goal would be not to need the group distractions for a 20 minute meal but, if you need them, use them!
  3. Kids feeding themselves
    1. This is a hard one for lots of parents especially of small kids since we worry they aren’t getting enough nutrition or we see them struggle to eat with a fork or spoon which can be messy and slow.  Once your child hits about two there shouldn’t be anyone approaching them with a forkful of food except themselves.  If you’re that parent who is running after a kid with a fork, you have to stop.
  4. Getting up from the table means they’re done
    1. This is the most important rule! 
    2. Here’s what you need to do.  First, make sure your kids know this new rule in a loving manner, no lectures needed, just a simple statement:  “We serve dinner to children who stay at the table.”  That’s it.  Then wait.
    3. As soon as your child gets up you LOVINGLY take away their plate saying something like: “Oh, I guess you are all done.  No problem. Have fun playing.”  Keep in mind that they might actually be done eating, they might have had enough and won’t be back. 
    4. However, if they do run back to the table and want their food back you say: “Oh, this is soooo sad.  You know our new rule is that if you get up it means you’re done.  So sorry.  I know you’ll have a really nice breakfast to look forward to in the morning.”  If there’s begging and crying you just have to put up with it, don’t give in.  This is part of the lesson they are learning, it’s a natural consequence and it will be very effective, you just have to trust me. 
    5. Now, some others of you have kids that will just run off playing.  There’s no need to remind, lecture or to yell after them: “Hey, I’m taking your dinner away! You’re gonna be hungry!” You need to let them decide what and how much to eat, not keep them at the dinner table forcing them to eat everything on their plate.  If your pediatrician isn’t worried about their weight, you shouldn’t be either. I’d like you to consider that as your kids get older, they actually put the food on their plates that they want to eat.  You need to let them own their food intake.
    6. Many kids will come back to you in an hour saying they’re hungry.  I’d encourage you to be calm and empathetic and say something like: “This is sooo sad.  I get hungry when I don’t eat enough for dinner too.  Breakfast sure will be yummy.”  But I know that’s really hard for parents of young ones so I’d offer a compromise to you, have something in your house that your kids kinda like, is really healthy and they can get for themselves.  I love to use carrots as an example.  When they say they are hungry you can say: “This is soooo sad.  Dinner is all done. You’re welcome to have carrots. ”  Whatever you choose for your family don’t make it very attractive, just tolerable. 
    7. One final complication to a 20-minute mealtime is that you might be offering too many snacks to your kids too close to mealtime.  Try to set snack times that end at least 90 minutes ahead of a meal so that your kids are hungry when mealtime comes.
Once you start this and you’re consistent with all these new boundaries your children will know what is expected and that there is love involved around food, not yelling, telling and chasing.  The first few days might be rough for one or more of your kids but you HAVE to keep it up.  If you cave, they’ll know you don’t have any plan.  Your child won’t starve, they really won’t!  If they miss a meal, their little bodies will make up for it over the days ahead.  One pediatrician I was reviewing comments from says that you should really look at a child’s nutritional intake over a week’s span, not a day.  Their bodies have a way of knowing what they need.

All these new rules will allow you to have a completely different food experience in your house.  It should be not only healthier but also happier. 

Food Choices

Ok, now what we’re done with setting up rules at our mealtimes we’re going to move on to topic number two – food choices.   The classic “My child is so picky.”  Or, “My child won’t eat vegetables.” is such a challenge.  What ideas do I have for you in dealing with these? I have four ideas:
  1. Food is a source of power for kids, you need to take away their power over you.  The more we push certain foods on them, the more they rebel which causes us to compromise and run after them with a fork or let them use electronics at dinner.   You need to let them know you trust them to take care of their food needs. 
  2. Second, don’t be anxious about food which is highly related to #1.  Kids will settle down and grow over time.  Your children need to know you love them and they are secure.  Let their bodies drive what they eat and your job is to keep healthy food in their lives as much as possible.  If your pediatrician thinks they are doing ok then don’t worry.
  3. Third, offer at least something on your kid’s plate that you know they’ll eat.  In my house one son like broccoli and the other green beans so we ate a lot of those.  I would have liked more variety but at least they were vegetables.  My sons eventually moved on to Caesar Salad so we ate a lot of that.  Today as adults they eat lots of things, I just had to wait and know that their palates will most likely grow.  That said, we all know adults who are still picky eaters and, hey, they’re living and breathing and it’s all just fine. 
  4. Lastly, I think it’s super fun to take our kids grocery shopping with the intention of going on a food treasure hunt.  Have them pick out a few things that look interesting to THEM and incorporate them into your meals. The deal will be that each person needs to take at least one bite of the new foods and they are even welcome to spit it out if they don’t like it.  The idea is to have them try, not to force them, to eat new things so please make it a fun experience and not a torturous one. 

I have had some families come to me with a few other situations around food.  One involved a girl in about 4th grade who was just always eating.  She was eating good foods but her mom was concerned about her weight and whether she was just eating out of boredom. After brainstorming a bit, we decided that in her house she needed to set up a more appropriate guideline for when the family eats.  Kids were welcome to have a snack after school but then the next time to eat was dinner.  If her daughter said she was hungry later mom used love and empathy and set a new limit: “Oh that’s too bad.  I’m so glad that dinner will be in a half hour.”  This worked!  Yep!  That simple.  Mom just hadn’t set any boundaries around food so the pantry being open 24/7 was the default policy.  It was hurting her daughter and now her daughter adjusted her behavior and things are working really well.  If you have a similar problem you can always add: “There’s carrots in the fridge!”

Another issue a family had with all of these suggestions required a bit more brainstorming.  They lived in a small house and had a 4-year-old who wouldn’t eat his dinner but would wake up in the middle of the night hungry, not at a convenient time like before bedtime.  Ugh.  That was a major drag especially since they had a new baby and a 6-year-old. If there was a middle-of-the-night problem where the 4-year-old was hungry they couldn’t let him have a tantrum and wake everyone up.  In this case, we decided feeding the child food was fine, however, the next day when things were calm the parents needed to make sure there was a loving consequence for waking up a parent due to them not finishing their dinner and being hungry in the middle-of-the-night.  The consequence might be something like cleaning up toys or vacuuming the living room.  The point being that the parent lost sleep and didn’t have the extra energy to do those jobs so the child needs to do it for the parent.  In the Parenting the Love and Logic Way® class that I facilitate this is called an Energy Drain, see link below.

I hope you’ve got some new ideas to try to help get mealtimes under control in your house.  You have the four Family Mealtime Rules to implement in addition to the ideas about how to give good food choices.  I want you to try and to not give up.  Setting reasonable boundaries around food is super, super important.

Link to Love and Logic® technique on ENERGY DRAIN:  HERE



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PODCAST Episode 3 - Building Resilience: Remember to Forget

3/4/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

Thanks for coming back to listen to more practical parenting wisdom.  Today we’re going to talk about situations where a parent “forgetting” provides for powerful and helpful life-long lessons for kids. 

In this episode I’m going to go over some real examples from parents who have attended parenting classes that I’ve been facilitating since 2012, Parenting the Love and Logic Way®.  All these parents had just learned new skills, they weren’t aged veterans who’d been doing this a long time.  In these examples you can see that just making a few changes in your parenting can have a big impact on your family.  Let’s get started with learning to forget.

MISSING SWIM TOWELS AND GOGGLES
The first story is about a mom of 4 young kids who let her two oldest daughters learn what happens when they forget stuff. Here’s what she wrote me:
I told the girls to get ready for swim class. I usually remind them to bring their towels and goggles. I had gotten busy with other things and I did not remind them. They have been going to this class all school year so they know what they need to bring with them. We drove to class and when we arrived discovered they both had forgotten their towels and goggles. I have in the past bought goggles and towels from the swim school when things have been forgotten. But today was different, I told them that since they forgot them there would be no swim class today and we drove home. There were tears and I just sympathized and said “I know” and “that really stinks”. When we got home we discussed how they used my gas and energy to drive them to nowhere. So to pay me back they both chose a chore around the house. 
Wow!  This is so cool! That mom took the bull by the horns and tried something new.  You know what happened the next week when going to swimming lessons?  Yep,  her daughters remembered both their towels and goggles.  Woohoo!

HOCKEY HOPEFULNESS
Our next story is similar.  A 10-year old boy who loves ice hockey who arrived at the rink and was just getting his gear out of his bag for a practice and noticed that his skates were missing. Yes, his SKATES. Not good. “Dad, Mom, we gotta go back home! My skates are at home!” Dad empathetically and in a low tone of voice said. “Oh nooooo that is so sad… you forgot your skates. Our house is 30 minutes away. We’re not driving there and back for your skates today. What are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know. I can’t practice without my skates! The coach is going to be so mad. Why can’t we go back and get them??!!”

“As we told you, we don’t have the time or the energy to go back home. What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” He sulks…
“Would you like some suggestions?” they said.
“What? Hmm… ok…”
“Well, some kids might decide to sit on the bench and just watch practice. How would that work for you?”
“That’s no good. Coach won’t like me sitting doing nothing.”
“Well, some kids might take some money and buy a new pair of skates from the skate shop here at the rink. How would that work for you?”
“Hmm… well, I do have some money from my birthday that I could use. I’ll do that!”
So a new pair of skates was purchased using the boy’s own money.

These hockey parents used their new problem-solving skills to perfection. They gave empathy first, handed the problem back to their child and then asked if he wanted suggestions. They only gave suggestions AFTER he agree to listen to some from them. They did NOT nag, remind or berate him for the situation that he had created for himself. The NATURAL consequences of his poor decision of not packing his gear more carefully in the first place was the consequence he needed.  Some parents might look for extra punishments to pile on but there’s no need.  Love and empathy and saying things like “wow, that certainly was a bummer to forget your skates.” Is all you need to help cement the impact of the natural consequence.  This is a perfect case of “less is more”. 
 
SUNSCREEN LESSONS
Another parent attending my class accepted my challenge of letting her kids forget something.  It was summer and they were headed to Tahoe on vacation.  She was a bit tired of being responsible for applying sunscreen to her 10, 8 and 6-year-old kids.  She wanted to make sure they were covered, head to toe which is why she did it, sunburns were no fun.  Well, she decided this could be a learning opportunity for her kids and it turned out to be for herself as well.  First, she communicated her new plan. On the way to Tahoe, she told them putting on sunscreen was now their job, not hers.  They were surprised, mom had never given them the option to put it on themselves.  Well, much to her surprise, they did it!  No complaints even.  They just did it!  Mom was impressed it was so easy that she didn’t even expect they would do a good job of, they did.  They proved to her they were capable!  She was actually prepared for a bit of sunburn here and there but there was hardly any.  Wow!  Her kids were capable and she had been holding them back.  What a precious lesson for a parent to learn.  What might your child be able to do that you don’t even know since you’re not letting them prove to you and themselves that they CAN do something?
 
COLD KID
In another instance, I was at church chatting with a family from my small group which is centered around parenting young children.  I noticed their 7-year-old son was in shorts and a tee shirt jumping around with his hands deep in the pockets of his lightweight shorts.  Mom is a pretty skilled parent after being in our group for a few years.  She and I just smiled and she said how she lets her son dress himself.  I asked him if he was cold and he immediately said, “No, I’m fine.”  I loved it!  Mom was letting him learn how to dress based on the weather instead of forcing him to wear clothes that she might deem more appropriate.  He wasn’t going to freeze, we live in a mild climate, so what a great opportunity for him to learn when he’s so young.  He’s learning how he feels based on what his body is telling him, not his parents.  By the time he leaves home for college he’ll be all set.
 
COLD TEEN
However, this same lesson about weather turned out a little different with a teenage girl whose parents were attending my class.  Friday night was a football game at school and when their daughter was getting ready to go it was pretty mild weather, not cold.  She decided to head to the game in short shorts and a tank top.  She sure was cute! 

Well, by halftime they got a call.  Guess who it was?  Guess who was cold?  Could they please bring her a coat?  Oh, this was so sad, the parents said.  They were in the middle of a movie.  They wouldn’t be able to run over and bring a coat.  They were loving and gave lots of empathy to her plight of being cold. One thing they did NOT do was lecture her about how she should have brought a coat.  No nagging, no reminding is what will seal in life lessons with our kids. 

They did this perfectly and they admitted to me that they had a smile on their faces since this whole situation proved to be so predictable.  The only thing no longer predictable was them rescuing her.  A week later when their daughter left for the next football game, do you know what she was carrying in her hand?  Yep, a coat!  See, even if you have a teenager it’s possible to make progress if we allow our kids to own their actions and we don’t step in to rescue or lecture them when something goes wrong.   
 

Finder Parents
All these stories about kids who forget things reminds me of something I had to deal with myself and I find many parents have the same “skill”.  The skill I am talking about is being what I call the “Finder Parent”.  I’m sure you can guess what this might be just from the fun title I’ve given it.  We are the parents who can find anything, anywhere for our family members. 
  
·        When our kid shouts out “Where are my soccer cleats?” We are the people who tell them they are under a pile of dirty laundry in their room and not in the garage shoe bench where they should be.  If someone needs a band aid, or scissors, or a certain type of graph paper or a favorite toy? We can point to the item without batting an eye or lifting a finger. 

·        Being the Finder Parent is a tough job since as The Finder if you don’t find something like the basketball shoes before game then it is YOUR fault that a child is late or can’t play.  It’s your fault if the appropriate coat can’t be found or a school form is missing that needs to be turned in.  It’s a job with very few rewards and many downsides like getting yelled at or being made to feel guilty that someone wasn’t ready for some event or another on time because YOU couldn’t find something.  This totally sucks! Who signed us up for such a thankless task?  We did!  Yep… every one of us signed ourselves up.  Why?  We just want things to go well!  We want people to be on time and have their stuff and us knowing immediately where things are really helps.  Or does it?  Hmmm….

·        As you can probably tell by now The Finder is really a house helicopter and if that’s you that is one job you need to resign from ASAP!  Yep, just resign. 

·        When you see your kids kick off their shoes in random places and they don’t care that they might not be able to find them later, then you need not care either.  When a kid’s water bottle is left in the car and not refilled because they forgot to bring it in, you forget that too.  They yell in the morning “Where’s my water bottle?” as they’re getting their things together you just lovingly say “I don’t’ know honey, where did you leave it?  I bet if you look you can find it.”  “I looked; I can’t find it!”  You reply lovingly in an empathetic tone of voice, “That’s so sad, what are you going to do about it?” 

·        When your kid has to go to soccer or baseball and they pick up their gear bag without looking inside to see if everything is there, make sure you don’t look either.  I know, it’s soooo tempting but, just don’t look.  Once you get to the field and your kid finally notices they don’t have their shin guards or cup, you just give them love and empathy.  “Oh no, that is too bad.  I’m so sorry. “ You don’t start lecturing.  You just give love and empathy!!  That will be really, really hard but just hold to that – love and empathy.  “But mom, I can’t play without shin guards!”  “I know, that’s so sad.”  “Why didn’t you pack my gear?!  It’s your fault!  Go home and get it right now so I can play!”  This will be a hard game for them to sit out but you just say in that loving and empathetic voice you’ve been practicing, “I can see how you might feel that way but in our house your gear is your gear.  I love you and I’m sure next time you’ll get everything in your bag.”  This whole scenario will work a lot better if you have a family meeting ahead of time to lay out the new Family Rule that your children own their gear and get it ready, not you.  I would encourage you to add to a  rule for unpacking gear being their job too -  sports gear,  lunchboxes, and backpacks should all be included in that list. 

·        It’s hard to watch our kids fail but the more we let them own their “stuff” and the earlier in their lives they know it’s “their stuff” then they learn to not rely on others to take care of it, but to responsible and that’s what we need them to be   in the long run.  Remember, our goal is to create responsible adults and doing that will involve lessons like all of these.
​
One last thought I have for all of you is that I want you to know that I’m not asking you to abandon your kids.  I certainly want to encourage you to help and coach your kids moving toward the right behaviors.  To accomplish this we need to be coaches, giving them hints from the sidelines where we brainstorm with them maybe how to come up with a list of items that go into a sports gear bag or what needs to go into a backpack before leaving for school.  We don’t’ step in early and give them a plan; we wait till they ask and we give empathy and love when things aren’t going well instead of lecturing and taking over.  It’s hard to watch sometimes but in the long run things will get better and better when we learn to forget. 


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PODCAST Episode 2 - Teens: Respect, Emotions and Brains

2/26/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

Today we’re going to talk about what to do when teens won’t show us respect and how to handle things when anger and other emotions are involved in our parenting situations. 

You’re the Worst Parent in the World!
Has your teen or tween told you yet that you’re the worst parent in the world?  Many times?  Or are you lucky enough to say “not yet”?  Well, don’t be surprised if that once adorable toddler or elementary child who doted on your every word turns into some sort of swamp monster and turns on you. 

Sometimes they blow up over an issue that, from your point of view, is small –you didn’t buy the right flavor of yogurt, you showed up 2 minutes late picking them up from practice, you nagged them too many times about cleaning up their room or maybe that you wore the wrong color shirt.  When they lash out at you like that, you just want to lash out at them, right?  Tell them they don’t appreciate the million other things you’ve done for them recently!  It’s not fair that you’re the target and they’re treating you like dirt!  We feel they don’t show us any respect and we can’t get them to no matter what we do.

Respect is something we tell our kids is earned, not given.  If you treat someone with respect then you’ll deserve respect is the old adage.  Well, that works for normal people but we’re talking about a teenager or tween with only half a brain.  What?  Half a brain?  Yep, half a brain. 

There are two issues with our kids' brains that are going on when they are acting disrespectful.

The first is when kids move toward puberty their brains sluff off half their brain cells.  Yep, half!  That’s where my “half a brain” comment comes in.  The brain has been collecting lots of information for the first 12 years or so of a child’s life and biologically they need to make room in their brains to create new neurological pathways that will take them into adulthood and beyond.  So, during puberty the body sluffs off brain cells.  Many of us have heard comments that the teenage brain doesn’t stop forming until the mid to late 20s.  This is the science of what is behind that comment.

The next part of the brain to understand is something that affects us at all ages. It’s when emotion takes over our brains and activates our “fight-or-flight” response.  If we’re angry, yelling, or crying a part of our brain called the amygdala takes over and gets all the blood flow, deactivating the part of the brain where decision making happens called our prefrontal cortex.  If you have a teen this means that they can be hit with a double brain whammy at once – half a brain and fight-or-flight mode so you’d better watch out!

So, let’s get back to what we first started with in this podcast – lack of respect. 

If your teen lashes out, not only is their fight and flight activated causing their thinking brain to shut down but now you know that they don’t have all that many brain cells in the first place.   Does your house ever sound like this?
  •  “Why were you so late picking me up?! You are so thoughtless!  You know I have to study for my test tomorrow.”
  • “Dad, you never let me do anything fun with my friends!  Leave me alone!”
  • “Mom, you never understand anything I say!  My friends are just fine, it’s YOU who aren’t treating me right!”
  • “No! I don’t want to get off electronics now!  I’m playing with my friends so shut up and get out of my room!”

Wow… that’s a whole ton of lack of respect, isn’t in? 

The two most common reactions we as parents have to that bad attitude look something like this:

Reaction 1 – We try to remain calm and reason with them using our thinking brain. 
  • “Yes, I was late but things will be just fine.”
  • “I do too let you do fun things all the time.  What about the time I let you… (fill in the blanks…)”
  • “We have a family rule about electronics and you signed a contract which you’re violating it right now.  We need you to hold up your end of the contract.”
  • The complication:  we might have a thinking brain but our kids don’t.  Hmm..

Reaction 2 – The second possible reaction is where we get emotional and activate our flight-and-flight response and start battling with them.
  • “I do too treat you right!  You just sit there on your lazy butt and don’t help out around the house at all.  Why should I let you play computer all day and night!  You have to help out around the house or I’m going to never let you play on the computer again!”
  • “You are always talking back to me!  Go to your room but hand over that cell phone first.  It’s going away for a week!”
  • “You have to do it my way because I said so and I’m the parent!”
  • The complication here:  yep, neither party of has a thinking brain!  Uh oh!  A huge problem!

Reaction 3  - I want to offer a third alternative where both parent and teen have a thinking brain.  Yes!  It’s possible for that to happen.  How?  You have to WAIT.  You have to let all the emotion pass. Even though they are throwing all sorts of mean insults at you, you need to just take it at the time.  Don’t react and don’t engage and defend yourself. There’s no good brain activity going on so don’t feed the monster. 

Try some of these phrases in a really soft and loving voice:
  •  “Mom you are so stupid.” Gets a response of “I know….” In a really calm voice.
  • “Dad, why are you always picking on me?!” gets a response of “That’s soooo sad…”
  • Some parents might get flack for saying those things so they  might even need to just grunt or use “hmmm” as their reaction to disrespect.  
  • If you’re really good at staying calm during all of this you might even get: “Why do you keep saying that!” Don’t take the bait and try to defend yourself, just take it. 
  • Feel free to say something like: “I talk to kids who are calm.  We’ll talk later.”  And then leave the room.
    ​
You’re going to continue to wait until the emotion passes; with some situations this could be an hour and with some teens it could be days. 

Now, once your teen has calmed down you need to find an opportunity to talk.  Sometimes you can just cuddle up to them when they’re on the couch or at bedtime while other times you need to create a situation where you and your teen have what I call “Special Time” that’s away from other family members and distractions; maybe a walk, a hike or a drive in the car.  For some of you who are worried that your teen might blow up on you when you start having a discussion, I’d even recommend going to a sit-down restaurant since most of us behave better in public places. Whatever you need to do, you need to follow up so that the disrespect doesn’t linger and become a normal state of affairs in your home.

Keep in mind that when you get this special time, you want to talk and not lecture.  You are going to use love and empathy to communicate your unconditional love to your child.  They need to know that even when they are hurting and at their worst that you still love them and want to help them.  Using phrases like:
  • “I could tell you were really upset.  Can we talk about it?” will help.  Then have a discussion and see if you can brainstorm how to avoid such outbursts in the future. 
  • As part of this discussion you want to make sure you tell them: “It really hurt my feelings when you called me bad names.  You know how much I love you and in our family we treat each other with respect.”   
  • Then you get to allow your child to make up the feeling of ill-will they created by coming up with some sort of way for them to pay you back, creating positive energy in your home again.
    • “It’ll really help if you make dinner tomorrow night with me to help put some positive energy into our relationship again.”
    • Or, you might ask them to do a special project around the house or even have them do a special cleaning of their room. 
    • They need to know that their behavior of treating you badly has a loving consequence.  If you want, you can even give them a few choices to make it easier for them to restore your relationship to a more healthy state. 
I often times have parents tell me that when they wait and let emotions calm down the teen will even apologize on their own.  Why?  Because their thinking brain came back online and even they could tell that they were out of control.   
 
You need to be sure that when they apologize that there still will be a consequence to restore your relationship.  If you are loving and calm the teen will understand and they will most likely willingly do whatever task you agree on.  A simple “I’m sorry” from them is just a bit too short and too easy. 

Some of you might say that your teen won’t take the time or effort to restore the relationship.  If that’s the case then there’s more going on and you should reach out to me for further coaching or get some other counselor involved, things usually don’t get better on their own.

I have one last thought especially for those of you who have younger kids.  This emotional behavior where the fight-and-flight response is activated happens at all ages so feel free to experiment on your 2-year old or 8-year old.  With them, when they have a tantrum or blow up, you wait until the emotion passes just like with teens .  It’s usually a lot easier with younger kids and their recovery time can be as short as a few minutes. 
The encouragement I want to give you is that it’s really effective to practice these skills when they’re young so that when they get into their teen years you can more easily pull off waiting during emotional and disrespectful outbursts until their thinking brain returns. 
​
I hope you enjoyed hearing some ideas about how to bring respect back into balance in your household and how knowing a bit about brain science can help you create healthier and happier family relationships. 


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Meltdowns and Tantrums By Age!

9/19/2019

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Meltdowns
Sometimes our kids just melt and it is not from the summer heat.  :)  It can be at the most inopportune times and might make us want to pull out our hair.  Here are a few ideas of what a parent might do based on age.  I hope it helps!

Toddler Melt
These adorable, amazing creatures are the ones with the fewest skills so their meltdowns are from the heart, body and soul.  They just encompass their whole being and, boy, that can be tough!  You're in the mall and the distress of putting them back in the stroller can just set them off.  The thing to remember is this child only has a few skills to use on you:  crying, screaming, kicking, biting, and acting like a wet noodle while doing one or more of the other behaviors.  

What to do?  Yep, you've guessed what I'm going to say, KEEP CALM by going BRAIN DEAD.  It's not about you, it's about the kid who has no skills to communicate their displeasure.  You might be a target of anger but you need to let them burn off their steam.  It might be embarrassing and annoying but you losing it by yelling and screaming will only make it all worse.  Taking a deep breath and saying:  "This is soooo sad."  and "I knoooooow."  are all possible words to use.  Don't give in to get the crying over,  just let the crying and such come while keeping yourself safe from kicking and biting.  Empathy and love is what is needed no matter how undeserving your child might seem at the time.  

Elementary Melt
This can be similar to the classic Toddler Melt but the kids have more skills and can grab our hearts and tug really hard to make us give in and/or lose our lids.   Kids melt when they feel things are beyond them -- piano is hard, math is hard, putting things in their backpack is hard, their best friend won't play with them, they can't watch a video on your phone, whatever.  They will still cry and melt the same as a toddler and no longer go into wet-noodle mode but you apply the same strategy -- go BRAIN DEAD!  Their brains are firing on all cylinders so make sure you don't get involved until AFTER their emotions calm down.  Give them EMPATHY and LOVE, not yelling and telling.  You can use PROBLEM SOLVING after the emotions pass but please, please wait until the emotions pass before trying to get solutions into the mix.

Teen Melt
As our kids get older their skills and emotions get more and more in check so when a melt down happens it's serious heart wrenching stuff.  Yikes!  It might be about a friendship breakup, loss of a computer game or a "bad" grade on a test.  They'll feel like failures, betrayed, and deeply hurt.  For some teens when their hormones are raging these meltdowns might happen more than others but the strategy is still the same... make sure YOU go BRAIN DEAD!  Please don't react and try to control the emotions.  Unconditional love during hard times is what teens need, not solutions.  Give them hugs,  say things like "I knoooooow" or "That must be hard."

The bottom line of all this?  Although it's tough to remain calm, it's really essential that in the worst of times our kids know we are there for them in a loving and empathetic way.   Those of you who can nurture that when your kids are young and allow your kids to trust that you will be there even during a meltdown will have teens who trust you and want to have a relationship with you.   
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Power to Change

3/4/2019

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I've been inspired recently by the amazing parents who've come to my lectures and classes and wanted to take a chance to brag on a few of them.  We all have the power to change how we interact with our children and these parents took amazing steps using new found parenting powers.  Hats off to them!

Parent #1 - Turkey Sandwich Trick
I was so inspired to use these new approaches on my kids that I could not wait. I picked my 4 year old up from daycare and it was time for lunch so I gave him his lunch box. He opened it and started throwing a fit in his  car seat.  I looked at him in my mirror but did not say a word yet .. he continued to say "I told you no turkey. I don’t like it!!!" Instead of my normal response which would have been something like "You do like turkey!  Eat your dang lunch!",  I used a calm voice "I’m sorry."   He was so surprised! He had a confused look on his face and he said it again,  "I Don’t like turkey!"  I said. "I’m sorry." He stopped and said, "Okay, but I do like my cheese."

Parent #2 - Teeth Brushing and Walking Fun
I applied what you taught the other night and the results are phenomenal. Last night we had fun brushing teeth and got to bed quickly without me nagging. And this morning we got out of the house 30 minutes earlier than usual. She walked backward to the car and jumped off once we got to school. I’m so amazed that all those techniques work instantly.  

Parent #3 - Birthday Cake Blues
My birthday was on Monday night. We all celebrated with birthday cake. Yum. After, my kids wanted a second piece, of course. Since it was too close to bedtime, the answer was no. They continued to ask. It was so wonderful to not get annoyed or firm with them but just continue to repeat, "What did I say?" or "I know....what did I say?" They finally gave up...

Parent #4 - Oatmeal Lover ... NOT!
When we put our girls to bed last week they kept coming downstairs, complaining etc. I said that that's ok but Mummy serves cereals only to the girls that go to bed on time and without complaining. They had oatmeal for breakfast which was annoying for our older daughter. She complained and wouldn't eat it. I showed some empathy saying something like it's sad, I know you don't like oatmeal. Maybe tonight you will go to bed without any arguments and then you can have cereals for breakfast. In then end that morning she ate the oatmeal and on our way back home from school she said, "Sorry, mummy for last night."  She went to bed without a hitch the next night.  Yeah!  No oatmeal for her.  

Parent #5 - Computer Caper
My boys were both playing a game together.  It had been so frustrating battling every day as to when they get off their game and come to dinner. After class,  I asked the boys how much time they needed before dinner to get off their game.  They said 15 minutes.  I took it and set a timer.  DING!  It went off in a flash.  "Boys, time to get off."  "But mom... we're not done!  We gotta level up or we'll lose everything."  "I know... this is so sad..."  They stopped about 10 minutes later.  The next day when they wanted to play after their homework.  "Ohhhhh.... this is so sad... I let boys play games who get off when they agreed to get off.  Not today.  Maybe we can try again tomorrow."  A bit of whining ensued but I kept to bland statements and some what did I say.  The next day,  DING, they got off right away.  We added a 10 minute timer to the mix to help them get off in 15.  So fun!


The changes we make to our routines can be subtle but our kids will feel it.  Initially they might be resistant and ungrateful but, believe me, the power you gain in your parenting from experimenting like these parents have will get you through your parenting without losing your mind.  
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Brain Dead Secrets

1/2/2019

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What is the secret sauce to making ourselves remain calm when our kids push our buttons?  Like when our kids are fighting over some toy?  Or, our teenager makes some snarky remark about how stupid we are?  Or maybe when our kid deliberately lies to our face and thinks they can get away with it?  Or perhaps when our toddler drops our cell phone and cracks the screen?  Ugh!  We just want to scream, RIGHT????

One of the most fundamental concepts as a parent that we HAVE to master is the ability to go BRAIN DEAD.  Well, if it's so fundamental then why is it so hard to do?  What's the SECRET???

First, a quick refresher:  Going "Brain Dead" means that when we are about to blow our top because our kids are pushing our buttons, we STOP and go Brain Dead.  Yep,  we just shut up, cancel our emotions and say things like "I knooooooow..." in the most calm and boring way possible.  Or, we just keep a straight face and say nothing.  Your kid might not like it since they might be yelling "Why are you doing that?"  but you keep calm and don't take the bait.  Just keep calm.  

But... how???

It is HARD to do.  We are upset and emotional ourselves and we're being asked to be calm?  Impossible!  Or, at least, it seems that way.  However, it is probably the single most important skill to learn to up your parenting game.  If you can keep calm then your kids won't control you by making you out of control.  This is POWERFUL stuff!

BRAIN DEAD SECRETS
  • Have a helper 
    This person might be your spouse or other good friend who can help give you hints from the sidelines.  My husband and I used to say "Honey, I think the cat needs to be fed." while pulling on our ear.  That was our official signal that emotion was creeping in and that person needed to go Brain Dead.  You and your partner set up what your signal is BEFORE things go badly.  
  • Leave the room
    Yep, sometimes you need to say to your child that you are too upset to talk, that you need a Parent Calm Down Session.  Go in your room or on a walk around the block, anywhere except near your child.  It can help things go better if you actually prep your children ahead of time about what a Calm Down Session is for during a Family Meeting after dinner or some other calm time so that they don't panic or feel abandoned (and to up the odds of them actually leaving you alone!).  
  • Put reminders around the house
    Put up yellow stickies all over the house reminding you (during pleasant times) of the phrase "Brain Dead".  One family tried this for a month.  They put up 10 stickies in different places.  They read them as they roamed their house during the day when they were calm.  Try the fridge, the bathroom mirror, the steering wheel in your car, on the toilet seat... anywhere that works.  My advice would include having someone move them around the house so you can be surprised when you find them, sort of like love notes but of a different sort.  
  • Get boring
    When we learn this skill we use the "I knooooooow" as a classic response but to do it well I would recommend taking a DEEP breath, really DEEP and then saying the phrase while blowing out all that air we just took in.  It should take 5-8 seconds!  Really slow... really boring and without emotion... just a bunch of air.  
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Backpacks are a problem!

11/2/2018

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Does your child have a problem with what's in their backpack?   You know,  those papers that are wrinkled at the bottom?  Maybe a permission slip?  Or possibly a banana?  

Or how about the things that are NOT in their backpack?  Do they forget to put their homework in?  Or maybe their lunch or water bottle?  

Ugh!  It is so frustrating especially when we've reminded them over and over and over again!  How can they KEEP messing up and why do WE have to keep cleaning up after them?


Whose backpack is it anyway?Parents who "help" clean up backpack issues mean well,  we really do!  However, as our children grow to rely more and more on our fixing their problems we are robbing them of the opportunity to learn how to manage their own stuff.  If we are emptying their backpack, repacking it, making sure it's stocked with appropriate pencils, food and homework then they have no need to learn how to do it. 

 We want to raise kids who will remember to take their lunch, fill their water bottles, put their homework in their backpacks, don't we?  YOU BET!  When I lecture I often ask who has a disorganized kid.  Many parents raise their hands.  While some kids might have executive function issues I think most kids have parent-buttting-in-and-taking-over-so-their-kid-remembers-everything issues.  I'm hoping for a chance that you might be a parent who can recognize which one you might be.  :)  
Let them forget! The best way to help our kids is to let them forget!  Yep!  FORGET!  We want them to experience the sting of not having something that is important so that it is imprinted on their brain that important things are IMPORTANT! We call it an AFFORDABLE MISTAKE.  If we start with simple things when they are young then they'll learn this really important skill long before they are out of the house and on their own.  Every time we take care of backpack issues they learn NOTHING except that if something is missing it wasn't their fault, it was mom or dads.  That's not fair at all, is it?

RULES FOR PARENTS
1 - Don't empty the backpack
2 - Don't pack the backpack
3 - Don't carry the backpack

Don't get me wrong,  you're welcome to coach a child but THEY need to do the work.  No nagging!  Just ASK if they'd like some suggestions.  Maybe make lists with them about what's supposed to go IN the backpack before school and what comes OUT after school.  Make the lists together, don't just write it all up for them.  If they can't read then use pictures or drawings.   

Keep in mind the same rules can be applied to sports bags, music binders, and sleepover bags!  Lastly,  don't forget to go BRAIN DEAD and keep calm when they get upset after they forget something.  
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Apologize or Not...

9/6/2018

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Don't you hate it when your kid does something so embarrassing or just plain mean to someone else?  Biting another kid...  Punching someone...  Stealing toys.. Sending mean texts ... Yelling at their sibling that they hate them... Ignoring a teacher's requests for the 80th time... Disturbing a room full of quiet children who are concentrating...

Makes you just cringe, right?  You HAVE to get them to apologize for such an offense?  Right???  

Did your parents ever force you to apologize?  Did it really make you feel sorry?  I'm guessing that, like me, you probably just felt worse, felt embarrassed and made you even more mad at whatever/whomever caused you to be rude in the first place.  

What we want is for the heart of our kid to change, to have them really understand that their behavior was unacceptable and caused hurt in another human being, right?  Here are some ideas that might be more effective at changing their hearts instead of just forcing them through the motions of an insincere apology using words.

1 - WAIT TILL EMOTION HAS PASSED
The worst time to get a kid to apologize is when they are still full of emotion.  You have to WAIT until they are calm and can talk about the situation.  In the moment we get so distraught and embarrassed at what our kids have done that we want to lash out and fix things right away.  

Instead, we need to go BRAIN DEAD, to take time for everyones feelings to subside.  Next, you need to brain storm with your child where you help them PROBLEM SOLVE the issue, to come up with a plan of how THEY intend to deal with the situation.  The idea here is to help them think of a way to apologize that works for them.  One parent worked with their son who decided to write a letter instead of walking up to the girl he was mean to.  They could give flowers with a note or maybe a hug and a kiss is all that is needed.  The big thing is that there's something they can figure out how to solve instead of something you as a parent forced on them.  

I have other blogs that can help remind and/or teach you the problem solving scenario you need to use.  If you haven't learned the technique it's really helpful to know the five step process.  Here's a link that will help: look here

2 - USE ENERGY DRAIN
When a kid's heart is disconnected from the impact of their behavior it's best to let a consequence do the encouraging rather than a forced apology or a lecture.  Use EMPATHY and the "Oh, this is sooooo sad.  It really drains mommy's energy when I see you...
... biting other kids
... hitting your sister
... being too loud and disrupting class
....taking food that was meant for your dad
... calling your best friend mean names"

After the EMPATHY, ask them how they are going to put energy back in you. It might be a chore or a service they do for you.  Each time they drain your energy in this way,  you let them pay you back.  Over time, if you're consistent, they will learn that their poor choices are causing them to do extra WORK!  Yes, real WORK instead of just saying some stupid words that don't mean anything.  If this WORK doesn't make them get a heart for their actions at least you've stopped the insincere words which weren't changing behavior anyway.  I have a few blogs on how to make ENERGY DRAINs work and here's one of my favorites: look here

Here's also a link to Energy Drain recovery ideas: 
ENERGY DRAIN LIST

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Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting Podcaster and Educator
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