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Podcast 14 - Chores - Why and How

6/24/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​

I’ve had quite a few people asking me about chores – how to set them up, do you pay for them, how much do you pay, is allowance tied to chores, do I need chore charts with rewards, what do I do if my kid won’t do their chores.  In this podcast I want to address all those issues and more.  Chores let your kids develop life skills that, if taught well, will launch them into a good place in life.  I’ll start with the research behind why chores are important and then I’ll get into the nitty-gritty of how to implement chores with kids of various ages. 

First, the research…

Research shows that kids who do chores grow into happier, healthier, far more successful adults, and the sooner parents start them on them, the better off they are.  There have been two ground-breaking studies looking at success and correlations with behavior and upbringing.  One is the Harvard Grant Study which gathered data on individuals over 75 years and the other is a University of Minnesota study looking at individuals over 20 years.   Both published a ton of results in 2015.  Here are some brief observations I want to highlight for you:

  1. It starts young: The best predictor of success in young adulthood, on measures related to education completion, career path, and personal relationships, was whether they had begun doing chores at an early age — as young as 3 or 4.
  2. Professional success – doing chores was significantly correlated with academic and career success but there are even indications that early chores were linked to higher IQs. 
  3. Relationship skills - “A kid who learns early to do chores will be a more generous and cooperative partner. It’s easier to live and work with a person who has learned to take care of his or her own stuff and to be responsible for some of the boring work that adult and family life requires.”  Chores teach kids vital relationship skills like cooperation, teamwork, and respect for others. I bet we all know someone in college who was the biggest slob and thoughtless roommate ever - never picked up after themselves, didn’t do the dishes, left the counter dirty and disgusting after cooking.  Yuck. 
  4. Mental Heath - researchers found that participation in chores as children was a better predictor for mental health in adulthood than social class and family conflict.
  5. Organization, Time Management and delayed gratification - Kids who do chores learn to organize their time and to delay gratification. Both of those are vital skills for later success.  If you have to do the dishes before playing video games and your friends are playing at 7pm then you’d better get those dishes done before then.  Having to fit in chores forces kids learn to manage their time. Julie Lythcott-Haims who wrote the book How to Raise an Adult said, “While it can be tempting to give kids a pass on busy homework nights real life is going to require them to do all of these things. When they're at a job, there might be times that they have to work late, but they'll still have to go grocery shopping and do the dishes."






Taking Time for Chores

In the Harvard Grant Study, researchers identified two things that people need in order to be happy and successful: The first? Love. The second? Work ethic.

What's the best way to develop work ethic in young people? Based on high-achievers who were part of the study there's a consensus of what gave them a good work ethic - A "pitch-in" mindset.  This is a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me ... that's what gets you ahead in the workplace.

The drawback we have as parents, however, is that having our kids do chores doesn't necessarily wind up being less work for us, does it?  It takes more time to teach our kids to do chores and to do them well instead of just doing the chores ourselves.  How many of us look forward to nagging our kids and reminding them day after day to do their chores away?  Now that we know the benefits of doing chores for the long-term, let’s take a close look at the practical side of what we can do to help us arrange for chores in our households.

PRACTICAL SIDE OF CHORES

To Pay or Not to Pay For Chores

I want to start by addressing one major issue - should we pay for chores.  I firmly believe we shouldn’t.  A family is a unit of people who need each other and love each other.  It takes work to take care of a family and there’s no reason why kids can’t learn at an early age that pitching in is just something they need to do.  Remember that life skill we learned about earlier?  The “pitching in” skill?  We do need to set up chores with love and encouragement though instead of nagging and threats. 

When we pay our kids for chores, they start to think that if they don’t get paid then they don’t have to work.  Or, if they don’t need the money, then they don’t need to do the chores either.  They become workers for hire and not contributing family members.  We threaten to withhold money when they aren’t done and this shouldn’t be about money, it should be about pitching in.

I do want to say that I believe in giving kids an allowance as a means to learn about handling money but it should be separate from chores.  Teaching kids about money is so important actually that I’ll do separate podcast soon on it so stay tuned for that. 

By Age

To help you on the practical side of things, I’m going to go over my recommendations for chores by age.  I’m going to give you some basic examples but after you’re done listening feel free to visit my PARENTING DECODED Pinterest board on Kids Chores.

For kids 2-3 years
You want to start young.  Yep, really young.  I’d start as early as two.  Richard Bromfield who wrote the book How to Unspoil Your Child Fast put it nicely, “When kids are really young, they want to help you rake leaves or prepare dinner.  Take those opportunities to let kids help. Those moments are infused with love and connection. By the time they're older and really able to do [those tasks] competently, they've lost interest."  Cape diem!  Seize the day!  A 2 or 3-year-old helping to sweep the back porch, dust the book shelves, or make a snack in the kitchen with a parent is a happy kid.  When they grow up and inevitably have to accomplish these things, they’re less likely to rail against them if you started early and naturally. 

What can a 2 or 3-year-old do?
  • Pick up toys
  • Wipe up spills
  • Dust
  • Clear places at meal times
  • Help put away groceries
  • Sort recycling
  • Put dirty clothes in laundry​







For 4-6 year-olds you start to move into chores that are more helpful and they can learn to do these without you but still aren’t too hard. 
  • Make their bed
  • Sort laundry and put away clothes
  • Feed pet
  • Set the table
  • Make a small snack or help with dinner
  • Pull weeds
  • Water plants
  • Vacuum
  • Sweep porch

For 7-9 years there is LOTS they can do. 
  • Get themselves out of bed in the morning
  • Make lunch for school
  • Do their laundry or at least fold it
  • Cook a simple meal
  • Load/unload dishwasher
  • Clean up after the dog
  • Clean the bathroom
  • Take out the trash

For 10-18 and beyond
  • Do all of their own laundry
  • Mow the lawn
  • Cook a complete meal
  • Wash the car
  • Mop the floors
  • Babysit
  • Help with younger children
  • Basic home repairs (light bulbs, dust a fan using a ladder, tighten loose screws)

Older kids Starting Chores Ideas

I want to talk now to families with older kids who haven’t been doing chores or almost no chores yet.  I’m mostly talking about families with teens or tweens but if you have elementary kids who aren’t doing chores this can be helpful to you as well.

If you have kids in this category,  it will be a huge adjustment for them, that’s for sure.  Our society has transitioned to valuing homework more than teamwork so we’ve given our kids a “pass” when it comes to contributing and they’re likely to resist your efforts to get them to contribute. 

For starters, I am going to give you the number one chore you need to have your teen or tween start doing right now.   It only involves them.  If they don’t do this chore, it only hurts them – not you, not the rest of the family, not even the family dog or cat.  What is it?  LAUNDRY. 

Set up a Family Meeting and announce that starting in one week you’ll allow your children to do their own laundry whenever they’d like as long as you’re not using the machines yourself.  You allow them to choose when to have a lesson on how to use the washer and dryer.  You also let them know that once they are trained, they are responsible for using the appliances appropriately or paying for the repairs.  Lovingly let them know that you will always provide soap and answer specialty questions that arise but their laundry will now be their laundry.

Then, you implement this.  Things might get stinky in their rooms.  Just shut the door.  They need to take care of themselves and this is the perfect life skill and chore for them to own. Some parents think they’ll waste water but that is much less likely than them not cleaning their clothes often enough. 

Here’s what else you need to do: no yelling, no reminding or nagging.  If you have an athlete, all the more reason to get them in the groove early.  They might come to realize they need more underwear to stretch out washings to once a week or once every two weeks.  Great!  Let them buy more underwear!  They can use their own money.  If they dye a load of laundry pink because they didn’t separate their colors correctly, let them wear pink or replace things with their own money.  If your child won’t fold their laundry, won’t put it away?  Don’t lift a finger.  Let them wear wrinkled clothes.  Let them figure out what is clean and what is dirty.  Just stay away.  Assist them by answering questions by all means, just don’t do their laundry.

Ok,  feeling better?  Do you think you can get that one implemented at your house?  Good!  This laundry chore will get you on a path toward where you really want to be, getting them more involved in chores around the house.  So, what’s next?

Here’s what I did with my boys when they hit middle school.  This process I’m going to describe takes a bit of time to implement but I really think it is worth the effort.  It absolutely was for me.

Start by taking a piece of binder paper and taping it to the fridge in your kitchen.  Every day, many times a day, write the chores that everyone in the family does on the list.  Take about two weeks to write all the chores so that you get a really good cross section of things that need getting done.  Add pages as they get full.  I told my boys about the list and encouraged them to write down their chores if they didn’t see them on the list but it was a list of all our chores, not just theirs. 

What was on the list? Grocery shopping, driving kids to school, making breakfast, lunch and dinner, paying bills, earning the money to pay the bills, vacuuming, planting the garden, making beds, cleaning the dishes, setting the table, etc.  Our list was about three pages long in the end. 

Next, organize the list into categories – daily (making beds, setting the table), weekly (taking garbage bins to the street, combing the cat), monthly (clean their bathroom) and random (changing light bulbs, refilling TP, washing the car). I happen to put all mine into a spreadsheet so I could more easily manipulate them and add columns for who will do each chore but do whatever works for you. 

Last step, have a Family Meeting and brainstorm who does what.  True confession, the first time I did this I hadn’t categorized by daily/weekly/monthly and it was a disaster.  I had to re-think my process and hold another Family Meeting a few days later which is what I’m describing now.  Haha… you can learn from my mistakes! 

My kids had already had chores but this magic list showed them that mom happened to be doing LOTS of the chores with dad in second place.  I was a stay-at-home mom at the time so it wasn’t all that surprising. 
For their daily chores I just asked before school for two simple things in their rooms –straighten up their beds and open their blinds.  I love light in my house and I really wanted that help.  They agreed it seemed reasonable.  They had other daily chores but those were my wins by doing this.

For their weekly chores, they got to decide when they did them – which days worked best in their busy schedules.  This is where using choices was key.  I wanted them done,  they could say when! They also chose that some chores they would own and others would rotate.  It seemed that neither wanted to clean the litter boxes for our cats so they rotated that one with taking the garbage bins to the street.  I was flexible!  It didn’t matter to me when, just that they helped. 

I also had commitment from my husband and boys that if I cooked, they’d clean the dinner dishes. We would all take our plates over to the counter but then one boy would help dad wash the pots and load the dishwasher and the other one was responsible for cleaning up the leftovers and counters.  Again, choices!  I could chill while they happily picked their after-dinner music and cleaned up.  It never took more than 15 minutes.  This again was a chore I used to pretty much do all by myself and not always happily.  Another win!

However,  my real coupe, if you ask me, came when I showed them the “random” list of jobs, the ones that don’t have a schedule.  It had about 40 jobs on it.  I was pretty much doing most of the 40 jobs and they all could see that now.  Before we created this list,  they had no idea how long it was.  I asked them to each pick 4 jobs from the list.  I didn’t care which ones, just pick and be responsible.  Their eyes lit up.  Only four!  Wow!  That’s a steal!  They were expecting 15 or something.  While that doesn’t seem quite fair in some ways to me, I was thrilled to have one son now be the permanent light-bulb-changer and the other the toilet-paper-refiller and foaming-soap-refiller. 

I can’t even remember the other ones but it was awesome.  Just the week before we did this list I had asked one of my sons to replace a lightbulb. They had no interest whatsoever especially since we had high ceilings and a lot of them needed a ladder to get to.  Well, the very next week after the new jobs were selected, I got 4 light bulbs changed from a happy teen. Yep!  He smiled and just went off to change them. 

I encourage you all to make your list and get buy-in for some assistance.  Chores are good for your kids even if they won’t admit it. 

Chore Charts, Chore Jars and Chore Events

Next,  I’m going to talk about how you might track and set up the chores.  There are quite a few clever ways I’ve been researching that parents accomplish getting their kids to know what chores to do - chore charts, chore jars and chore days or mornings.

Chore Charts – a simple chart that has chores listed and maybe the days of the week.  You can use a marker or stickers that the child can show they are done with a chore.  Simple.  Some families collect stars and give a reward but since rewards are kinda like paying for chores I’m not all that keen on rewards, just charts for tracking what’s to be done.  If your child can’t read, by all means use pictures.  If your child is older, have Family Meetings to discuss what chores will be done by whom and when.  The more choices you can give your kids over chores, the more ownership they will have in completing them.
 
Chore jars - I love some of the Pinterest ideas where you take popsicle sticks and write all the chores on them and put them in a jar.  Each person in the family can then pick a stick, do the job and then put it in the “completed” jar when they’re done.  Have different jars for different ages if you need to.  Be creative! 

Chore days or mornings - Some families pick one day on the weekend, maybe Saturday morning, where they all do chores together.  A list is posted that morning of what needs to be done and everyone pitches in until they are all completed.

Consequences for Not Doing Chores

Let’s move on.   We might agree on the concept of chores but what if our kids won’t do them without lots of nagging and threats?  We need to stop nagging and threatening.  I need you to go back and listen to Podcast #10 on how to set up good consequences.  Using the Love and Logic® technique called Energy Drain that those of you who came to a class learned, as well as setting some good limits as to what will happen if chores aren’t done, is the direction you need to head in.  If you don’t know the Energy Drain technique I’ll put a link to the audio you can download it from Love and Logic®. 

When kids are younger a simple limit stated positively like: “Anyone who has finished their chores is welcome to sit down at the dinner table.” Or “I read books to kids who have put their clothes in their hamper.”  These work really well for little ones.   For snarky teens and tweens you might need something more like, “Gee, it really drains my energy to see all those dishes sitting in the sink. What are you going to do to put my energy back?”  If they refuse, just like I describe in Podcast #10, the next day might look like: “I drive kids to school or soccer practice who have put my energy back.”  Or, “I allow kids to use electronics who’ve put my energy back.”  You need to keep calm and you need to not nag or yell.  I know it can be hard but, believe me, if you’re consistent, your kids will trust that you mean what you say.

I do want to cover one more advanced concept that worked great for my own boys.  I never yelled or nagged about doing chores.  I let it be known that I’d be happy to do any chore for them and I posted a list of charges on my kitchen bulletin board.  It was only $20 for me to take the garbage bins to the street, $5 to refill TP  and $10 to comb the cat. Everything had a price.  I collected my charges once a month from the pink note cards that went on the bulletin board to track when I did a job for them.  It allowed me to be a happy mom and they got to be responsible since they didn’t like giving me their money.  This whole setup I’ll explain in a future podcast on how to teach kids about money but for now put prices on things.  I also bargained to take down a pink card if they did one of my jobs.  I was flexible!  I’d even tell you to feel free to post what you’ll pay kids to do your chores if they want to earn money as well. 

Did I give you enough practical ideas on how to get some chores done at your house?  I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you.  Realizing that our kids need chores is what I hope I’ve accomplished here.  Let your kids grow and experience real life, get them out of the academic and performance-oriented bubble our society has been forcing them in to.  Help create humans who care to pitch in and understand that life isn’t all about them; it’s about creating a loving environment where we can work to solve problems together. 

I loved how Julie Lycott-Haims wrote in her book, How to Raise an Adult, “By making them do chores -- taking out the garbage, doing their own laundry -- they realize I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life. It's not just about me and what I need in this moment."

​Here's the link to PINTEREST KIDS CHORE BOARD

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Podcast 13 - Anger Managment for Parents

6/7/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

Wow. What a week.  Writing this podcast has sure been a journey in tough times.  First, COVID-19 hits in March.  I’ve been blessed to have ventured into podcasting so that there’s a way I can still come into your lives.  Now, in June, with #blacklivesmatter, our nation is being rocked by anger and fear.  It’s overwhelming.  In this episode I’m going to talk about the anger in our own homes that we have that gets directed at our children and some ideas for how we can get it under control. 

I know anger isn’t helpful, caring and thoughtful action is helpful.  Being cool, calm-headed, and working together is what can move us forward as a nation but also as families.  Today I’m going to start in your home and deal with the anger your precious, adorable children bring out in you when they don’t obey, won’t listen, when they argue with you or when they fight with each other.  Your kids manage to push your buttons so easily when you’re tired or in a rush, right?  Some days you’re the epitome of amazing parenting and then the next day you’re on your knees with anger and frustration at your kids and yourself.  It’s exhausting. 
  
ANGER - COMPLICATIONS
I want to talk about how anger and threats create certain complications in our homes that we might not be expecting - an atmosphere of fear and children who become followers or rebels.

1 – Fear
First, when we use anger and threats with our kids, I’m mostly talking about yelling but some parents don’t yell but they certainly still get angry, they just don’t yell. We might grit our teeth and say “Do that right now”.  It’s still intimidating even if it’s not loud. When talking about parenting types the Helicopter is the nagger but the Drill Sergeant is the yeller/teller type.  They tell their kids what to do and expect immediate obedience; if there isn’t, then there are consequences mostly using fear and intimidation.  Don’t get me wrong, I firmly believe in consequences but they need to be delivered in a fashion that will be impactful for the long term.  Listen to Podcast #10 for more on that if you haven’t yet.

2 – Followers
But, you do it because anger works!  Certainly, it does.  Intimidation and being more powerful than your child works in your favor especially in the early years when you are physically bigger than they are and they are completely dependent on you.  But, how do you feel when someone yells at you?  Ever had a boss yell at you?  Did it make you feel good?  Did it make you want to be around that person? 

When I was working in hi-tech myself and some of my staff were in a meeting with a top VP who totally blasted one of his direct reports in front of 15 other people.  It made me cringe.  I was shocked and appalled.  If this happened to you, most likely, you felt small and stupid.  It might have made you want to hide.  I know when my dad would yell, we would all want to scram as fast as we could.  He wouldn’t listen to us even if we had a defense.  He shut down our feelings and minds just like that VP did. 

Some of us fall into Drill Sergeant mode when we get angry and frustrated.  This is when we want to yell and tell our kids what to do and we will yell louder and longer if our message isn’t being heard.  When I talk to live audiences about Drill Sergeants, I ask them who wants to raise a child who is a follower.  How about you?  Are you wanting to raise a follower?  Of course not, our society is always telling us to raise leaders.  We need leaders.  We need GOOD leaders.  And here you are, you might be raising a follower without even realizing it. 
As you yell or firmly tell your child what to do and how to do it, you shut down communication and their brains.  They aren’t encouraged to think for themselves, just to obey you.  They will FOLLOW you out of fear.  That’s not what we want.  We want them to THINK with their brains and know how to use their brains to fix things when stuff happens that isn’t right.  We need to communicate with them and allow them to problem solve and brainstorm with us, not go sit in a corner pouting or crying by themselves because we’re mean and yelled at them.  If you want to raise a leader let’s take anger out of the equation for raising your kids. 

NO THINKING
I’ve talked about brain science in a few of my other podcasts #2 probably has the most details.    When we are angry, our brain is in “fight and flight” mode.  This is true for our kids’ brains but also for your own brain.  If we need to guide our families, we need to use the thinking part of our brains, our prefrontal cortex.  I want to talk about ways to keep out of fight-and-flight and what to do if you do get there.
 
ANGER RELIEF
Assuming you recognize that you sometimes lose your temper, here are a few ways you can stem the tide. 
First, acknowledge you’re angry.  When you feel your body start to tense up and you start to go up what my good friend who is an MFT calls “anger mountain”, you need to embrace that feeling as it goes up your spine or face.  Once you can feel that feeling coming on, get some help to diffuse it.  I’m going to give you a few ideas of help you can use in your own home but if you have a major issue with anger, please get professional help or email me and I’ll be happy to connect you with appropriate resources. 

1 – Enlist your spouse or significant other, if you have one

This can work two ways – giving your spouse a signal or your spouse giving you a signal. 
When things are calm, set aside time with your spouse to work out a signally system.  If one of you sees or hears the other getting angry or yelling, use the agreed upon signal to help them recognize they are losing it.  I want to encourage a signal that doesn’t sound like “Hey, quit yelling.  You’re upset, go outside and cool off.”  While that may sound helpful even if it’s in a nice tone of voice, I want to suggest just using a phrase that signals “Hey, honey, I can tell your getting upset.  I’ll take over.  You go calm down.” Without saying all those words.  In my house we tried something verbal for a while like “Gee, honey, I think the cat’s water dish needs new water.”  Or it could be where you physically signal by pulling on your ear or patting your head.  The point your signal will convey the message without further irritating the situation.

I love signals like this.  My husband and I developed one many years ago to help deal with my I getting really nervous when my husband would tailgate, especially at high speed.  Now, he’s a good driver, and it doesn’t happen that often but when he used to do it I would verbally say “Honey, slow down!  You’re not using the 3 second rule.” “Or, it’s not a 1 second rule, it’s a 3 second rule.” And he’d snap back getting irritated with me nagging him again, wanting me to chill out.  Both of us would be angry and annoyed, not understanding each other’s point of view.  Not a win-win situation at all and we didn’t even have kids creating this tension. 

Well, we had a heart-to-heart one day while not in the car when both of our brains were calm.  I explained my point of view and how it really scared me and he explained how it kept sounding like he was a bad driver.  We both agreed to use a signal and no words in the future.  I gently tap him on the knee when I feel uncomfortable, he knows I love him and I’m scared and he has time to react without getting defensive.  It’s been amazing.  I know it’s not a parenting situation but I think you get the drift; communication can lead to real progress in relationships.

You and your spouse need to come up with something like a knee tap.  I really think a “no word” option is better than even the cat water bowl words.  I’d suggest maybe even having a teddy bear or a blue card or a pack of gum that you just hand each other that says all those words without saying anything verbally, an “I got your back” secret signal. 

2 – Enlist your kids

This next idea is to recruit your entire family to help get yelling and anger under control.  Have a way that ANYONE in the family can signal “warning, anger erupting!” without using words.   Some families might use a card – red, blue, one with a bird or a dog on it.  Other families might have teddy bear, doesn’t matter as long as everyone knows and agrees on what the signal means.  The person who receives it needs to have some calm down time.  It’s not a punishment but a loving encouragement. 

In order to enlist your kids in helping get your temper under control, you’d have to have a family meeting to brainstorm how to make it happen.  You have the meeting at a time when everyone is calm, maybe a Sunday afternoon or Friday night before a movie.  Talk about why you need help and how you need love and support to make it happen.  This type of family support can show that everyone needs help in life, even parents, in dealing with emotions.  I’d have an option that mom and dad can also hand the calm down signal to a child so that everyone can have the same love and support to improve emotional skills.  If it doesn’t work at first, have more family meetings until everyone can get on the same page with empathy and love.
 
3 – Use reminders

Some people find reminders a really useful way to help break bad habits.  Anger can certainly be a bad habit so try some to see if it will help you.  One parent I work with has trouble with anger but a lot of that is caused by having a lack of empathy for what her kids are going through.  We brainstormed a bit and she decided to place yellow stickies all around her house with “empathy” on them.  It did work for a while. Another mom just put stickies with an “E” on them around.  Some of you are tech-savvy and might create automatic texts, calendar entries or emails with nudges for you to be more empathetic or ask yourself to rate your anger for the day on a scale of 1 to 10.  Use anything but try something!
 
BAD FEELING RECOVERY

Now that we’ve talked about some ideas on how to try to stop yelling, I want you to think about ideas for what we can do to counteract the feelings incompetence and self-esteem that we often damage in our children when our anger lashes out at them. 

Our kids are fragile and words can break them. Often times, those words spoken by us in anger stay with them for a life time.  When we say “You’re so stupid!” often enough, they start believing it.  When we tell them they are clumsy, they stop taking risks.  When we get angry at them for breaking something or falling or missing a ball at a soccer match, they absorb that anger.  They start internalizing that they really aren’t good enough.  They might try harder in an attempt to win your love but it comes out of fear and hurt. 

Sometimes the hurt becomes so great that they stop trying harder or they withdraw from you.  That’s often what happens when teens start rejecting everything their parents say to them.  The parents have brushed off every possible opinion their child had when they were young so the teen learns that their parent could care less what they think.  They close down and rely on their friends for ideas and exchanges.  Super sad.  Let’s figure out how to be a parent who understands that parents are human and make mistakes and is willing to take time to repair damage before it becomes permanent. 

There is a lot of psychology around how impactful negative comments are.  The research says that it takes 5 positive interactions to negate just one negative one.  Ouch.  That’s a crazy imbalance, isn’t it?  We really need some creative ways to balance those negative interactions out. 

I came across a fun solution last week while on Pinterest.  There’s a therapist who has a website called idealistmom.com.  She has some great resources if you like this podcast and want to learn more.  The thing that she had that caught my eye was what she called the “Five Hair Ties” solution to getting this negative/positive imbalance back in line.  She says to put five hair bands on your wrist in the morning when your kids wake up.  If you have a bad interaction, you lose one hair tie to the other wrist. You then have to spend the day trying to earn it back to the original wrist.  If you have more negatives you’ll lose more ties and have more work to do, so you’re motivated to even the score as soon as possible.  It’s a gentle, physical reminder that there’s more love needed. 

What types of things can you use to recover?  Simple!  Things as easy as a hug (she says a 6 second hug is best), sitting and reading extra, putting a note somewhere they can find it with something nice on it, go outside together, play a game, give them an extra smile, tell a joke, have a dance party in the kitchen,  there are lots of ways!  I’m going to put a link in my podcast notes on how to sign up for a really cool printable chart with 25 of her ideas you can post on your fridge.  It’s super worth clicking on!  I love her SAY-PLAY-DO-SURPRISE quadrants.  You have to sign up for her newsletter to get it but it’s totally worth it and you can always unsubscribe after! 

BRAINSTORMING

I want to talk about one more thing I think can help families a great deal with trying to overcome anger issues, Family Brainstorming sessions.  I mentioned it a bit when suggesting you enlist your children in helping you recognize when you’re getting angry. I really think it’s an amazing tool that should be used all the time.  Setting up open and honest discussions with your whole family about issues that are upsetting family harmony is super healthy for establishing family bonding and love. 

Your children deserve to hear from you when things are calm in your brain as to what gets you upset and then you all work together to understand how to overcome the issues.  If you’re getting upset at everyone for leaving their shoes all over the house and you yell about it every day and no one does anything, having a place to air grievances like this in a kind, calm manner can be helpful and harmonious. 

Your kids should understand why it upsets you and maybe you all decide to create a new shoe area in your house together.  Or maybe shoes stay in the garage or on the porch on a new shoe bench that you all create and paint together.  Showing your kids how problems can be solved with words and creativity is the best lesson you can give them in life.  Anger solves nothing but if anger isn’t addressed it explodes as we can see now.  Address the anger in your life so that your kids can have a good role model for solving issues.
​
I hope this has inspired you to think about issues that bring anger into your family.  Be creative.  If hair ties aren’t your thing, try rubber bands, bracelets or coins in your pocket.  Remember your words can wound for a lifetime.  I’d love to challenge anyone to try the hair ties for one week and write to me about it.  I’ll provide a free phone coaching session to anyone who does it, that’s how important I think this is.
 
If you found this information useful, please forward this link on to your friends and family.  It would be helpful to me but what I really want is for us to work together to help the world take steps to control our anger in a positive, healthy way.

Here's the link to the idealistmom.com website article:
https://happyyouhappyfamily.com/angry-mother/

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POSTCAST 12: Screen Time Issues: Part 2 - Individual Electronics

6/7/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

Thanks for coming back to read Part 2 of my screen time rules.  I hope to build on what you learned in Part 1 so that you can deal with the more complicated issues when your kids are old enough to have their own phones, laptops and computers.  It’s a challenging world out there and I want you to be well-equipped.
 
In Part 1, we talked about “family screens” and how to set limits with obedience, and, if there’s not, how to set up effective consequences. 
 
Now, in Part 2, I’ll cover my final 5 rules dealing with older kids when individual cell-phones, laptops and other electronics come in to play by about middle school.  However, with COVID-19 this is happening even earlier.  It seems that these rules will apply to lots of elementary school age children who are now doing online school and have access to tablets and laptops that they view as their own.  

I do want to mention a few things about how teens and tweens use their devices before I start.  Common Sense Media’s 2019 survey of media use in teens and tweens say that by age 11, 53% of kids have their own smart phone, by age 12 it’s 69%.  That’s a whole lot of phones in the hands of very young people. 
 
I was also amazed to see that 69% of teens are watching YouTube every day.
 
Other interesting info in that survey how boys’ and girls’ media tastes vary.  While 70% of boys 8-18 say they like playing video games of any sort “a lot”, only 23% of girls say that; 41% play every day while only 9% of girls do.  Girls, on the other hand, love listening to music; 73% say they like it “a lot” compared to 59% of boys.  50% of girls say they like using social media “a lot” while only 32% of boys do. 
 
I mention these stats just to give us a common ground to think about how the rules we’re going to discuss fit into the lives of your kids.
 
With that said, let’s dive in!
 
RULE 9: Use Contracts
I highly recommend that every family introduce a digital contract whenever personal electronics are about to appear in your kids’ lives.  Notice the timing, I said ABOUT.  You want to leverage your child’s willingness to listen and negotiate with you while they don’t have a phone or laptop yet.   It might seem a little ridiculous to bring in a business type document into your family’s life but, you just have to trust me, you’ll really need this to get through things in the long run.  Actually, I take that back, don’t trust me but listen to what happens to families when rules around electronics aren’t defined ahead of time. 
 
 
Let’s say at 8th grade your child gets their first iPhone.  Woohoo!  They are so happy and you are the most amazing parent.  Your child says they’ll be responsible and since they are so sweet and happy you all rest easily.  That is, until they start staying up late watching YouTube videos or you find them texting at all hours of the night.  You asked them to charge in the kitchen and they do it for a while.  They constantly have their phones in their room when they’re doing their homework and it just never makes it to the charging station at night.  Hmm...  They need it, they say, to get help from friends.  Sure, you say. 
 
However, each time things get a little more out of whack and your child gets annoyed with you bothering them about being on their phone so much.  You start taking it away when they are sassy to you or they don’t do their chores.  It becomes a weapon in your relationship.  All the while your child retreats more and more to their room, closing you out of their lives a little bit more each day.  Fighting and yelling escalate, you come to me wondering what you can do.  You have no relationship left, you’ve killed it fighting about the phone and you’ve driven your child away from you when they actually need you the most.  Frightening, isn’t it? 
 
Well, it happens all the time.  Yes, all the time.  If you’re a parent in this situation right now and relationships have been badly damaged, then you might need professional help.  It’s a super tough place to be.  Our pastor at my church called trying to take away a cell phone from a teen and create boundaries after they’ve had unlimited access would be like choosing to start World War 3. 
 
However, if this isn’t you and you still have a relationship with your child that you can build on, then you’re in luck.  Start now and things can go well!   I don’t want to be overly pessimistic since it certainly is true that many of us will weather the storm of electronics in our lives, but we just never know which one of us will be hit with a hurricane so we might as well weather-proof as much as possible.  

So, let’s get back to the concept of setting up a digital contract.  First, when’s the best time to set it up?  BEFORE your child has access to individual devices.  You will be able to have discussions with kids who are drooling at the prospect of getting their own phone, laptop or tablet.  However, if your child’s school  has already issued them a device for schoolwork or you’ve purchased one for them to use in this crazy time of COVID, just go ahead and introduce the idea of a contract now.  I’d set up a family meeting to do it. 
 
What’s in a contract? 
This is going to be a family document and it will need to evolve over time as your kids needs grow and change.  It will look different for a 5th grader than what an 8th grader or a high school junior.  It needs to evolve and it should be negotiated, not dictated, if you want to up the chance of compliance and be able to have a healthy relationship as you go through the teen years together.
 
The structure of the document will remain the same. It will cover:
  • Location of devices – during use, when charging. (Remember Rule #1?  No devices in the bedroom!)
  • Use of devices – for homework, for steaming videos, gaming, social media
  • Time of day devices are used -after homework and chores
  • Who has access to download apps – for young ones only parents
  • What passwords are required to tell parents – for young ones always, negotiate as they age
  • Rules for when parents can monitor – keep random checks a possibility
  • Define consequences – the most important part of the contract!
    • Have your kids help define these, the compliance goes way up when they participate in creating what they think are reasonable consequences
    • Have differing levels based on type of offenses
      • Not charging is a day without a phone
      • Using it at 2am on a weekday to watch YouTube might be a week
      • Downloading apps without permission another type of consequence
      • Etc.
    • Expand the possibilities of consequences to include things like extra chores or outdoor activities, not just taking away electronics.  Keep in mind that when you take away electronics our kids think we’re mean and uncaring.  The entire time they don’t have them they focus on how much they are mad at us and not on themselves for the poor choice they made when they chose to break the Digital Contract you all agreed to. 
 
I have a sample contract on my website that I’ll put a link to in the podcast notes.  It was written by a family with a 7th grader and freshman in high school.  You can even download the file and edit it to work for your family.  You can also feel free to surf the internet, there are lots and lots of sample contracts available.
 
Setting up a contract with consequences can be tricky since kids really don’t want Big Brother breathing down their necks.  However, even though kids don’t want to be monitored, you making sure there’s a way to do so that’s part of your family life when they are young will give you some avenues in dealing with things if your child steps over the line and needs to be reeled in later. 

A few notes on contracts during COVID: 
  • update them as things change; it’s totally fine to make modifications to the contract at times like these.  Many parents are doubling their kids’ screen time limits or using chores or outdoor time as ways to earn more screen time.  Be creative and get it in writing how those things are done.
  • you MUST figure out ways to monitor and use the consequences you’ve set up, rules without consequences prove to our kids that there are no rules which leads to them running their own show and ruins our family relationships and trust
 
RULE 10: Use Monitoring Software
Monitoring software is something that you can put on your child’s devices that can watch and alert you proactively for certain behaviors you and your family deem unacceptable.  Say, for instance, no bulling.  Monitoring software is tough to come by and none do 100% of what we might like it to do. 
 
One company called Bark has monitoring software that I think is pretty good.  Its motto is: monitor – detect – alert.  It doesn’t prevent, that’s what Parental Controls do back in Rule #5.  It uses artificial intelligence to “watch” apps your child is using – SnapChat, Instagram, Tik-Tok, whatever – and alerts you if it sees patterns of words that fall into the category of bullying.  It doesn’t shut down access but it allows for conversations to take place between yourself and your child about what you’ve been alerted to. 
 
One friend’s son was watching porn in high school. His dad had no idea.  Once dad found out they were able to discuss the issue of porn and decided to install Bark.  It’s not meant to be invasive but helpful.  The thing to know is that the Bark interface needs to be installed on each app on your child’s phone with their consent.  If you set up your child’s cell phone correctly with a digital contract in place that specifies that Bark is required for all apps, you’ll be in a good place.  It does cost about $10/month or $99/year per family.  I think it’s worth it but only if you have a good relationship with your child. 
 
There are a few other tracker types of software but they all have limitations and require cooperation from your kids to use.  Which means having a good, trusting relationship with your child is going to be your best bet in protecting against digital issues in the long run.
 
RULE 11: Talk about Online Safety
Rule 10 is pretty complicated since it implies some of Big Brother that our kids absolutely don’t want in their lives.  If you set up ways to have open conversations about online safety starting when they are young and growing in topics and scope as they get older, you’ll have a chance that you can raise digitally aware kids. 
 
In the contract you should be specific about some safety rules like no giving out personal info, no bullying, what to do if bullying occurs and such.  All of these topics, however, that are in the contract need to be talked about so that your family is all on the same page.  You need to address things like answering the phone when mom or dad calls but also how “ghosting” and “cancelling” friends online is super toxic and hurtful.  Have those discussions.
Talk about sexting and how it impacts lives and reputations.  Ask your kids if they’ve seen any of these behaviors.  Talk about why people might do these bad behaviors.  Nearly 40% of children in a Dec 2019 study say they’ve either received or sent a “sext” by the age of 13.  Disturbing.
 
 
RULE 12: Talk about Social Media and Gaming

Earlier in the podcast I talked about how girls are much more into Social Media – Instagram, SnapChat, Tik-Tok, to name a few.  Girls bond by chatting and social media falls right into girlhood social life as well as girlhood drama.  Girls are twice as likely as boys to be bullied.  There is no longer empathy when a post hurts someone since the person bullying can’t see the hurt on the person’s face anymore.  It makes bullying easy with very little consequence.  You need to talk to your girls about that. 
 
However, we parents also need to understand the more subtle ways social media is used to bully.  If you read a text or see a post that says someone is ugly or stupid, that’s easy.  What you can’t see is that an app like SnapChat has a feature  where kids can set up what is called a “streak”. Here’s how it works.  Let’s say I’m your friend and I send you a Snap today.  Well, since we’re good buddies you send one back.  That’s a “streak” of one.  Tomorrow we so the same thing.  Our streak goes to two, the next day three, the next four, etc.  Let’s say I have a few other friends besides you and I’ve got 10 streaks going at the same time but you get mad at me.  You know what you do because you’re pissed?  You break our streak.  Yep.  Just cut it.  We had 251 days of streaking just gone and I am not your friend any more.  You didn’t use any words, did you, but all our friends know what you just did to me even if my parents don’t. 

How about Instagram?  Super popular.  There are “likes” on Instagram.  I post a selfie of me (tweens and teen girls love selfies!) and I get 150 likes in a day.  I’m popular, right?  That must have been an amazing picture, right?  Well, you post a selfie and got 3 likes in a day.  You are so crushed and hurt you take your selfie down.  Another subtle form of bullying that parents and Bark type software will probably never be able to detect.  No words used again.  Tik-Tok works the same way.

Those are just two forms of subtle bullying that go on that parents miss all the time.  You need to keep up on new apps and what they’re about.  In a few years, the two I mention here will be so “last year” and there will be new Tik-Toks to replace them that you’ll have to understand.  It’s complicated and it will stay that way.  Stay in touch with your girls.  If you see big mood swings and isolation going on it’s something to worry about.  Use websites like Common Sense Media, Axis and StayHipp to keep up to date.
 

Boys, on the other hand, do participate in social media to a lesser degree but they are more likely to dive deep into gaming.  It’s fun and boys connect by doing not by socializing.  If you have a son who is a gamer, stay close instead of staying away.  Learn what they like about the game they are playing, what they are learning about life as they play. 
 
Many of these games require teamwork to win or concentration and skill.  What is your son gaining?  Fortnite and Mindcraft are currently super popular games for younger boys, maybe tween and under.  Play with them.  Watch them play.  Ask them about their characters or which friends are playing with them.
 
Many boys will move on to more aggressive games in middle and high school that require more skill and dedication.  My son in high school decided he wanted to be a professional gamer.  His game of choice at the time was Counterstrike, a war-time type game.   I took a big gulp and went along for the ride for about 5 years.  I stayed close.  Asked questions about the game.  We had gaming nights where his friends all brought their gaming computers and could be in the same room playing instead of separately. 
 
My son learned many important skills that, if I wasn’t looking, I would have missed.  He learned that picking the right teammates was hard, not everyone had his dedication.  It was frustrating.  He learned that a team had to work together to win, no one hot shot could do it all.  As he evolved, he became the head of his 5-person team.  He had to help resolve issues between teammates when they came up.  It was amazing!  I could see how really important life skills were being learned. 
 
He was a very good student and was heavily involved in school sports so he had some balance in his life but he still loved gaming.  I could have spent years fighting with him to get off his computer and would not have much of a relationship with him today if I’d done that.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not promoting gaming, I’m just saying that if your child is headed that way, find the good as well as making sure there’s a balance. 
 
My son just graduated from college in Computer Science.  Whew.  He still loves to play games but did find out on his own after approaching the semi-pro level while in college that playing for fun was much more rewarding.  He learned it, not me.  I was able to love him when it got tough because we still had a relationship. 
 
RULE 13: Talk about Porn
There are many ways parents can use software and hardware to assist us in the never-ending battle for control of screen time.  In Rule #5 we talked about Parental Controls.  I absolutely want to make sure you’re setting up as much filtering as possible to prevent porn from easily coming into your home and on to devices that travel outside your home. 

However, you need to talk about porn.  Yes, it’s a really awkward subject but our kids will find porn one way or another.  At first, in about late elementary school, it’s accidental.  A friend at school with an older sibling shows them on a phone or when they go over to another house for a playdate that doesn’t have good filters.  Then curiosity hits and more porn gets into their lives. 
 
When the brain is under development as it is in puberty there are new neurological connections being made every day.  Listen to Episode 2 on the teen brain if you haven’t already for more details.  These connections on porn can get hardwired so that our kids young minds think that porn is “normal” sex.  For some, healthy sexual relations are impacted in the long term which is super sad.  There has been a noticeable spike sexual impotence of men in their 20s largely due to porn. 
 
How do you talk to them?  If you have younger kids maybe 4-9 there’s a really nice book called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Kids.  If you google how to talk to teens about porn you’ll get quite a few resources that have some really great suggestions for setting up discussions with your kids.  I will put links to some of those in my show notes.  I hope you’ll take a look at some and set up ways to talk to your kids.  It is going to be awkward and I will pray that it goes well for you but please make the effort.

Well,  that’s the end of my Screen Time Rules.  You made it! 
 
I hope you’ve got some really practical ideas about dealing with electronics in your homes.  Please set up contracts with your kids and have some discussions about hard topics with them.  Set yourselves up for success by working with your kids to tackle these issues, don’t be a dictator.  If you run into new troubles, stop and take time to address them as a family. 
 
That’s all for now.  I would love it if you’re listening if you can forward this podcast on to a friend or two.  There just isn’t enough practical help for parents in dealing with screens. I hope you think you’ve gained some good ideas that are worth passing on. 
 
Take care and be safe. 
 
Have a blessed rest of your day.
 
Helpful Websites for Keeping Up To Date
www.CommonSenseMedia.org
www.Axis.org
www.StayHipp.com
 
Digital Contract Sample
https://www.parentingwithlogic.com/family-digital-contract.html
 
Book for Talking to Younger Kids about Porn
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Pictures-Bad-Porn-Proofing-Todays-ebook/dp/B07KQFWR6J/ref=sr_1_1?crid=M3J0KWQJUIJ&dchild=1&keywords=good+pictures+bad+pictures&qid=1590185110&sprefix=good+picture%2Caps%2C218&sr=8-1
 
Website Resources for Talking to Teens about Porn
https://raisingchildren.net.au/teens/entertainment-technology/pornography-sexting/pornography-talking-with-teens
 
https://childmind.org/article/how-to-talk-to-teenagers-about-porn/
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PODCAST Episode 11: Screen Time Issues Part 1

4/28/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      LISTEN

As most parents have noticed screens are a constant source of friction in our households that just never seems to end. 
 
This podcast is the first of two parts; Part 1 targeting younger families and how to deal with what I call “family screens.” I go over ways we can set up screens in our family in such a way that there are limits with obedience, and if there’s not,  how to set up effective consequences.  Although the target audience for Part I is parents with toddlers to middle schoolers there are really fundamental things for all families to set up so it’s best to listen to this before moving on to Part 2 even if you have older kids.  On the flip side, even if you have younger kids I recommend you listen to Part 2 when it comes out so you can prepare for what’s ahead. This issue is super, super difficult, constantly changing, hard to understand and it’s so important for us parents to be on top of this and stay current.
 
As I mentioned,  Part 1 is going to deal with what I call “family screens”.  These are the electronics in your house that are family owned – iPads, laptops, tablets, TVs, gaming systems and such that are shared among the family members.  This is usually the stage from toddler until late elementary to middle school when kids start getting their own phones and laptops.  In this podcast I’m going to cover 8 rules for what I think it takes to set up good screen time then in Part 2 I’ll cover my final 5 rules dealing with older kids when individual cell-phones, laptops and other electronics come in to play. 
 
With that said,  let’s dive in!
 
RULE 1: Keep Electronics Out of Bedrooms
This is essential.  If there’s nothing else you do as a result of listening to this podcast, please do this one.  It’s the most impactful both short term and long term.  You also want to keep them out of other private places like bathrooms and offices.  This includes laptops, cell phones, TVs and e-books.  Just set this rule up when they are very young and get it into the family routine and you’ll save yourself huge headaches when Part 2 comes into your lives. Why such a rule?  Not only do you protect your kids from inadvertent or explicit surfing to dangerous websites and trolling but you’re also making sure that when they are older that they don’t shut you out of their lives.  These devices are so powerful and entertaining that as they hit middle and especially high school your kids can easily close you out of their lives.  Their friends can be with them 24/7 and they won’t need you at all!  I’ve watched lots of families lose important emotional connections with their children when devices allow them to hibernate in their bedrooms.
 
 
RULE 2: Keep Electronics in Public Places
Well, if you’ve got Rule 1 down then get a freebee pretty much with this one!  Just keep things in the open. 
 
If your child has to do homework and they normally do it in their room I would set the limit using Rule 2 that they’re welcome to do their homework in their room but if it involves a computer then it needs to be done elsewhere in a public area.  Wow!  Really, Mary?  Yep!  Elsewhere.  When my boys were in middle and high school I dedicated my dining room table to homework.  Yes, it was messy but we had an agreement that when guests came to dinner they would clear off the table into the two plastic laundry tubs that I kept hidden in the front closet.  It worked perfectly!  I got to see them and do things like feed them snacks and say hi to their friends when they came over to study.  I didn’t hover but I was around.  If you have room in your house on the kitchen table, dining table or family room area, consider making one of those places available for kids to use computers safely.  Now that my boys are out of college I have a neat dining room every day and I miss them like crazy.  It was a short-term, 6 to eight year investment in having a messy area in my house all the time but totally worth it!
 
I also highly recommend that all devices are charged in public places.  Many families put a charging station in their kitchen or family room.
 
RULE 3: Set Time Limits and Stick to Them
The American Academy of Pediatrics says that for kids 2-5 years they should have only 1 hour a day of screens which includes TV time.  However, for kids 6 and over they say that having consistent limits on time and type are the most important things to set up.  In other words, a family with the limit of 1 hour a day and 2 on the weekends is fine but so is another family with a limit of 30 minutes of TV during the week with 2 hours of computer on the weekend.  As you can see,  these all have limits and defining them is what will help you the most.  Our kids really thrive on structure and every time they can’t tell what the structure of a situation is they see it as an opportunity to set their own limits which, when it comes to screens, they want to be unlimited.  Not good at all!  But,  what about special circumstances like COVID-19 that are going on now?  From all that I’ve read on the professional boards and articles from people who know way more than I do,  we can relax the limits in extenuating times but as you relax them and rely on them a bit more to provide much needed mental health for yourselves and your kids remember to still have limits.  If you need 3 hours a day of break using computer time to do it, fine, just don’t let it be 8-10 hours a day whenever your kids are driving you crazy. 
 
We are going to talk about time limits for teens more in Part 2 but for now take in the idea that screen time is a privilege and kids don’t get it all the time just because they want it. 
 
RULE 4: Define Consequences
Here is where things go off the rails for lots of families.  How many of us set say a 30 minute limit per day and our kids just ignore us or battle us for more time, EVERY day?  It wears us out and sets us up every day to be the bad guy, doesn’t it?  What I’d recommend is having a family meeting to not only talk about what reasonable limits you want to set for daily and weekend use on which devices but also the consequences for exceeding the limits.  Let the kids if they are over the age of 4 have some say in defining the consequences, ownership in defining what happens really helps with compliance.  This allows everyone in the house to have a voice in setting both the privilege and what happens when that privilege is abused. 
 
For instance, one family set a rule of 30 minutes a day and the child who is using a device sets a timer.  When it goes off they are done.  If they fuss or fight or, heaven forbid, are found to have not started the timer the family had all agreed that the offending child would miss electronics for a day and have to do one work job to pay the family back since it drains the family energy when that happens.  This worked so-so but the child was young and at their next family meeting they decided as a family to buy a second timer that was to be used as a 5 minute warning timer.  That tweaking of the process and having the family work together to help improve the process showed that the kids had some input but the parents could still establish the most important part that screen time is limited and there was a real consequence if the rules were broken.
 
RULE 5: Use Parental Control Software
There are many ways parents can use software and hardware to assist us in the never ending battle for control of screen time.  Rule 5 has to do with us as parents being aware that there are controls available and we have to take the time to learn which ones make sense for our family and implement them. 
Both Android and Apple iOS operating systems (meaning anyone with an iPhone) have been updated in recent years to include a whole bunch of cool parental control and family control options.  Even the different apps that are currently in use like Snapchat, Instragram, TikTok and many others have parental controls.  But, how the heck do we know which ones we need and how to set them up?  It can be overwhelming and I want to provide you with a couple of helpful hints. 

1 - You need to know what devices you want to control and how
  • Is it only iphones and ipads?  Or do you have Android devices too? Are the built in parental controls for time limits and accessing the internet enough? 
  • Got any computers?  Are they all Apple or are they Windows or a mixture?  If you have a mix the choices are different than if you have just Windows or just Apple products.  You might also have Google in the mix which Google Family Link might be a good choice to consider.
  • With multiple computers and tablets in your house products like Disney Circle, Net Nanny, WebWatcher, Zift, Bark and Family Protector might make sense.
  • One thing you really need is web filters to prevent unwanted surfing. Does what you use have that available?
  • Do you want to track which apps kids are using and how often?
  • Do you want to control app downloads?
  • Would it be helpful to limit the maturity ratings of websites or apps?

2 - What sort of access do you want to control?
  • Internet only or cell phone data access?  I like to point out how most of us send our kids to school feeling that the school is doing an awesome job of filtering web content and preventing exposure to porn sites and such.  This is true.  They do filter for that on their internal networks and wireless access points.  However, any time a kid with a cell phone arrives with a data plan on campus they have unlimited access to the world wide web if they just don’t connect to the school WiFi.  Oh my, I thought walking on campus meant my kids were safe. Well, obviously that was pretty naïve of me.  Your kid might not have a cell phone in 3rdr grade but some other kid you don’t know does.  However, if your kid is, say, 6 years old and has no access to devices except at home on home WiFi and at school on their school owned and operated computers then you might be just fine.  My point is,  you need to consciously be aware of what your kids have access to at any point along this journey.  It will be a lot more than you think is my word of caution.
  • Online watching like Netflix and Disney+?  There are ways to limit these but, have you done it?  Do you know how?
  • Use Bark-O-Matic. This is where I recommend something that I just learned about a few months ago.  There’s a company called Bark that has screen time management software for parents which I like but what I really love is their free program called Bark-O-Matic.  You can do a google search on it or look in my show notes.  What it does is a Q&A session where you give it all sorts of info on what computers, cell phones, tablets, internet and TV services you use, apps your kids are using, and you give them your email.  They send you a full report item by item of how to set up parental controls for each type of interface.  It’s amazing!  Instructions all in one place for say someone like me who has Comcast internet on my Verizon based iPhone using Netflix, Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok and Disney+.  Yes, you’re giving them an email address but you can always opt out of their marketing programs.  These instructions are a gold mine if you ask me.  LINK to: Bark-o-Matic
 
My parting words about Rule 5 is to make sure you use parental controls when your kids are young.  It helps your whole family get into the right habits and allows for conversations about why controls are needed.
 
That said, I want to let you all know that by middle school and maybe as early as 4th or 5th grade many of your kids are going to learn from other kids how to circumvent parent controls in some way or another so be prepared to get a kick in the pants when your kid does something like setting back the clock on their iPad so they can have a new 30 minute limit or they scam off of you typing your password on your phone to figure out how they can download extra apps onto their phones.  It’ll happen but hopefully you won’t be surprised when it does. 
 
RULE 6: Allocate Family Time
 
I know this is about screen time but if a family prioritizes time with each other in non-screen ways it can build a base of family community that you’ll be able to live on always.  Have regular family movie nights or drives to the beach.  Make puzzles together or do volunteering at a local shelter.  Play board games, go putt-putt golfing, play card games, go hiking, bake cookies.  I know during COVID it’s hard to do some of those things and I am so sorry about that.  I can’t tell you enough how having enjoyable family time that everyone looks forward to can really help with screen time issues.  You need to have times where there is love and enjoyment together and it’s your job to set that up.  You also need to set aside what I call “Special Time” where each parent spends some time individually with each child.  It needs to be something the child enjoys.  It could be as simple as building Legos or racing Hot Wheels or more challenging like building a tree house.  It’s the happy times you create when they are younger that will bond you so you can get through some tough patches you might have when they are older. 
 
RULE 7: Encourage Downtime
 
In our rush-rush society our kids are constantly entertained and pushed from one activity to another.  It seems like they don’t even get a chance to breathe and when they do they get bored quickly and naturally gravitate toward screens since they are designed to entertain.  For parents we fall into the trap of letting them be entertained with screens since it helps us out,  we get some quiet time to get what we need to do done, right?  Well, that is right but I’d like to propose that we use empathy and love to allow our children to deal with boredom and encourage them to use creative options to be entertained.  They can read, do art, play basketball, recruit a sibling to play a game, whatever.  When they throw the “I’m soooo bored.” Card down you just say things like “I knowwww…” and “Wow, that’s tough. What are you going to do about it?  Would you like some ideas?”  They will want to wear you down but don’t let them.  Just keep saying “I knowww…” and “I’m sure you’ll figure something out” don’t forget to add “All this whining about not having screen time is really draining my energy.  Why don’t you go sweep the front porch?”
 
RULE 8: Model It!
 
The last rule we’re covering in this podcast is probably the hardest for parents.  It’s where we’re asked to model good digital habits.  What?!  You want ME to keep my electronics in public places?  You want me to charge my phone in the kitchen?  Yep.  I do at least to the extent possible.  In my house I modeled that I don’t have my phone next to my bed.  It is in the bathroom so that I can hear a call in the middle of the night but not there for me to fall asleep watching YouTube videos and reading texts.  I encourage all of you to put your cell phones away at dinner time.  Yes, mom or dad might have important business calls but the 20 minutes it takes to have dinner should be prioritized.  Sitting in front of the TV to eat dinner instead of being together at a table just isn’t good modeling and doesn’t allow for much family discussion.  Yes, you might watch a favorite show together but save it for after dinner.  If you have no other ideas start off your dinners with what each member was grateful for that day.  That should hopefully last 5 minutes, right?
 
I hope you’ve enjoyed learning how to set up some structure around screen time and electronics in your household.  Having limits and using parental controls when kids are young is really key but following through with consequences will make it real.  You might want to listen to my previous podcast on consequences if you need more ideas.  Bottomline, you have to stay on top of this stuff or it will be on top of you before too long.  In Part 2 of Screen Time Issues I will talk how to deal with screens when personal cell phones and laptops come into play.
 
That’s all for now.  I would love it if you’re listening if you can forward this podcast on to a friend or two.  There just isn’t enough practical help for parents in dealing with screens. I hope you think you’ve gained some good ideas that are worth passing on. 
 
Here's a link to Bark-O-Matic mentioned in the podcast:
BARK-O-MATIC

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PODCAST Episode 10: Punishment vs. Consequences

4/13/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN
​
This week during the corona virus shelter-in-place it seems my mom friends really need some guidance in getting their kids to listen and obey them.  They are using good techniques like choices and setting limits but their kids aren’t responding, they are just ignoring parents and doing whatever they please.  Moms are pulling their hair out in complete frustration if they aren’t locking themselves in the bathroom for a good cry.  Well, folks, this is for you!
​
I’m going to first talk about the concept of punishment, what it means and brings about vs. consequences and why they are different and more desirable.  I’ll then go into how to determine if there are natural consequences readily available or if you need to figure out another type of unrelated consequence to use instead.

With that said, let’s  dive in.

Punishment and what it means
First, let’s talk about the concept of punishment.  Typically in parenting we think of a punishment coming as the result of some bad, undesirable behavior – hitting a sibling, stealing food from the pantry, talking back, not cleaning up a mess, using electronics without  permission or staying on them longer than allowed, not wearing a helmet when getting on a bike, breaking a toy, forgetting their backpack or losing something.  The list of possible bad behaviors is endless and constantly expanding, of course!

In response, a parent dishes out a punishment which varies between a time-out, getting sent to your room, washing your mouth out with soap, taking away electronics, putting locks on the pantry doors, a spanking, or for older kids, the classic, being “grounded”. 

In our gut we want all of our kids to respect what we say and to immediately respond.  When this doesn’t happen the inner Drill Sergeant in us shows up on the scene and doles out the punishment for not obeying.  We will be mad and we might even yell.  

“Go to your room!” 
“Give me that iPad!”
“You’re grounded!”

When our kids are younger, say  0-12, we are bigger and louder than they are and their resistance to our yelling and punishment can be less difficult than by the time they are teens and start yelling back in a louder and more powerful ways.  No matter what punishment you give, no matter how loud you give it, it amazes you that the very next day they do the same thing all over again!

This punishment thing just makes the anger and frustration grow in us as well.  The cycle is endless.  The punishment doesn’t seem to get into the hearts and minds of our kids, does it?  How do we make it sink in so they know that we are serious about whatever the rule is that we’re trying to have them embrace.

I want you to put your mind into the child who just got her electronics taken away for a week.  Do you know what they are thinking about all week?  Is it how they shouldn’t be playing electronics in their bedroom because it’s not safe or is it how mean a mom you are?  When you put your child into a 5 minute time-out in the corner for hitting their brother what are they thinking?  That they should have used their words instead of their fists when their sibling took away their toy?  Or that you’re mean and they hate their sibling and it wasn’t their fault.  You’re mean!  We see time and again that although the behavior might be stopped temporarily there is no change in the heart of our kids and they have learned to endure the punishments we dole out.

Consequences and why they are different
What I’d like to propose to you is how to use consequences as a way to help our kids learn in their hearts that some things aren’t worth the hassle and they have choices in life as to what good and bad behaviors they want to do.
 
What are Natural Consequences
Sometimes parents luck out and there are what we call “natural consequences” for a behavior that, if we allow them to sink in without yelling and scolding, are a perfect way to accomplish getting into the hearts of our kids.  Let me tell you an example to illustrate.  One mom saw that her 8-year-old had left a new soccer ball outside in the yard.  This ball was a recent birthday present .  When mom mentioned to her son that their dogs might chew up and ruin the ball her son did nothing.  Yep. Nothing.  He just ignored her.  Sure enough, her son came in the house a few hours later upset that their large dogs had popped his ball.  They had to go to the store to buy a new one.  Here’s what she MIGHT have said:  “Oh my gosh, I told you that would happen!  Why didn’t you get it when I told you earlier!  You never take care of your toys.  This makes me so mad you never pay attention to me!  There’s no way I’m going to the store.” Her son would have probably cried and maybe shut up but what did mom accomplish?  I suggest, not much.
 
Instead, however, what this mom really did was she gave him empathy and love, “Oh that is so sad, that was your new ball. What do you think you’re going to do about it?”  Since she was a Love and Logic mom she started following the Problem Solving technique she had learned in class.  Perfect!  He had no idea what to do.  Would he like some ideas about what some kids might do? Sure, he said.  They talked about a few: Buy a new ball with his birthday money?  Nah.  Go use another ball?  Nah, he didn’t feel like playing ball right now anyway.  Well, good luck with that, she said.  Yep, no scolding. No telling him what to do.  She let him know it was a problem and he needed to solve it. She allowed the problem to be his, not hers so as a result she wasn’t the bad guy in the story like she always used to be.  You know what her son decided to do in the end?  Nothing.  Yep. Nothing.  He really didn’t want that ball anyway, he had plenty of other balls but he decided he was going to be more careful about leaving the other ones outside where the dogs might get them.
 
Natural consequences like this can be really powerful if we let them happen and keep our anger and resentment out of the way.  Powerful life lessons are there for the taking! 
 
If our kids spill milk all over the table, we let them clean it up.  If they are young we might need to help them but we allow them to own the problem.  Our natural reaction is to rush in and clean, clean, clean but we rob our kids of the opportunity of learning when we do that.  Yes, there is milk dripping all over the table and floor. Yes, it’s inconvenient but… this has been happening regularly because your daughter hasn’t been careful, she reaches too far and knocks things over. We lovingly say: “Wow, this is soooo sad.  All that milk has spilled.  Can you please clean that up with the towel over by the sink?”  

The real problem isn’t the spilled milk, it’s your daughter not being aware of her surroundings.  With a natural consequence your daughter learns that every time she is careless there might be a mess to clean up and messes take time and they are often yucky and who wants that.  If you let her clean up with love and empathy in your voice the lesson will make it to her heart.  She won’t be thinking how mean you are for making her clean up and then sending her to her room because she was careless.  Instead, we lovingly thank her for cleaning up and then proceed with our dinner. The natural consequence is enough, no need to make it more.
 
In another instance, a 4 year-old boy when he was mad, he would peed on the floor in his room.  Mom would struggle and fight with him to change his clothes and resentfully clean up the mess.  However, she finally saw the natural consequence to his poor decision to pee in his room.  She decided the choice was his to pee so he could clean it up and change himself.  No struggles needed.  The next time it happened she lovingly gave him some towels and told him he could come out of his room as soon as he cleaned it up and changed.  She left him there.  She was calm.  About 15 minutes later a new boy with a completely different attitude and sense of independence came out of that room where so many battles had previously occurred.  She let him own it.  She wasn’t the bad guy.  She offered love and empathy. 
 
One of my sons got his license when he turned 16.  He was driving one day through a yellow light that was turning red at a popular intersection.  He heard sirens and was being pulled over.  Oh my, his heart was beating so fast.  He didn’t want to talk to a cop!  The police officer gave him a citation for running a red light.  He came home and told me about it right away.  I just took it in calmly, telling myself that I didn’t get a ticket, he did. 

He complained a bit that the light was yellow but he knew it was a pretty weak argument.  This was a perfect natural consequence that had months of ramifications.  Even I learned a few things in the process.  Did you know that running a red light is a moving violation in a different category than a speeding ticket?  And those are really expensive?  And they don’t tell you how expensive until you get a letter in the mail which takes about a month?  My son had a month to wait to figure out the first part of his natural consequence.  It was a $600 fine.  Ouch.  That was going to really drain his savings account, wasn’t it?  It was his ticket, not mine.  I pay for my tickets, my kids pay for theirs. 

Next, traffic school.  He got to learn how to sign up.  Then he had to pay for that too.  Something like another $60.  Then he had to finish the class within 60 days.  That was the tough part for me.  I was biting my tongue trying to not remind him to do anything.  If he didn’t finish on time he’d get another lesson about not finishing things that were important, right?  I know he’d survive whatever it was that they would throw at him.  Luckily, however, he actually wound up finishing on time.  Whew!  

You know what, after all that not only did HE become a safer driver but so did his younger brother who was sitting in the seat next to him at the time.  Haha!  I got a two-fer!  Both boys with one lesson.  Yeah!  No battles. No yelling but lots of love and acceptance that all of us make mistakes and with love we can learn how to get through them.  How many of us know a parent who would have paid the ticket, signed up their kid for traffic school and pay for that too then sit next to their kid to make sure they did the online class, nagging them the whole time? 
 
Use Natural Consequences early and often in the lives of your children.  The love and lessons will do well in building up a long term relationship of trust and respect between you and your child. 
 
What do to when there are no Natural Consequences
Now, for the tough one.  What if there is no natural consequence to a behavior?  Or your child refuses to take responsibility for a behavior?  Or your child just keeps doing the same thing over and over not matter what you throw at them?  This is a major problem and so common in just about every household even if you can keep your calm and use love and empathy which in itself is a challenge. 

Hit your sister
Play longer on electronics than is allowed
Get on a bike without a helmet
Scream at your parents
Download an app that you’re not supposed to have
Get caught vaping
Break curfew
 
All of these behaviors are clearly problems and we can certainly take away privileges but that just doesn’t seem to work. Our kids don’t learn in their hearts anything except we’re mean, we’re trying to control them, that we have stupid rules.  Younger kids who lose their toys or bike for a few days, they complain and whine but they survive it and live to disobey another day.  They might even be thinking subconsciously something like: “That punishment wasn’t so bad and, hey, sometimes mom or dad doesn’t even notice or I’ve worn them down so much they are exhausted battling me so I really only get punished every so once in a while. I can live with that.”
 
Do you know what a teen who gets their phone taken away for two weeks is thinking most about during those two weeks?  Yep, you.  Every day, day after day, what a mean and nasty parent you are, who doesn’t understand them.

One dad took away his teen’s phone after he broke the curfew that was set.  Dad took it away for a week.  His son was a basketball player and it turned out that his coach and teammates always sent texts to each other about practices and such.  Well, his son missed several important practices and meetings.  Do you know who he blamed?  Yep, dad!  Now this whole situation was really tricky because the real issue that started all this was about a curfew but the battle was being fought over the phone. Oh my gosh, what a conundrum! The son was so mad at dad that he didn’t even try to figure out another way with his friends to get notified of his commitments. 
 
So, what do we do?  We have to attack these problems on two fronts. 

​One, we can’t let the problems just pass if we decide that something like riding a bike with a helmet is a MUST then every time your kid gets on a bike without one you need to take the time to recognize it and deal with it.  You start with empathy and love. “Oh my, this is sooooo sad.  In our house we only ride bikes when we have helmets.  Please get off your bike and put it away.  We’ll deal with this later.”  Your child most likely won’t be that thrilled to be getting off their bike and their brain might be emotionally activated.  You need to not engage with them when they’re brain isn’t working right.  That’s where the delaying the consequence comes in.  If your child does have a tantrum please listen to my podcast #6 on Handling Tantrums if you need some help there. The key here is keeping calm.  No yelling and getting dragged into a battle. 
 
Next, once you’ve waited for the emotion to pass you need to meet up with that child to have them help put peace and harmony back into your life.  Your energy was just drained, wasn’t it?  Having to deal with disobedience really gets us and the amount of frustration and the time taken away from us doing other, more productive things with our time is the problem your child needs to solve.  Traditionally, we punish then let our kids off the hook as if their behavior only impacted them.  That’s where we need to tighten up this process.  Their behavior affected many people but for sure us!  For those of you who’ve come to Love and Logic parenting classes, this is called Energy Drain. They have some awesome resources for this which I’ll refer to in the show notes.   I want to tell you a story of a parent who learned this technique and how powerful it can be. 
 
Here’s what the mom wrote me: 
==========================
I picked up my kids from school at 12:30 after our class yesterday. My 9-year-old son was not in a good mood and I knew from experience of every early dismissal day that he was very hungry. He was not in a good mood to be nice to me or his sister. By the time we got home, they got into a fight over the leftover food in the fridge and my son started yelling at his sister and left the kitchen in anger. On his way to his room he bumped into me to show his frustration. I gave it a couple of minutes until he came back and I said to both my kids very softly: oh, you know what......this is such an energy drain for me. Yelling, screaming and disrespectful treatment get so much of my energy that I may not have enough left for helping you with your things or driving you around this afternoon.....unless we find a way to put some positive energy back in mommy.

My son did not take me seriously, but my daughter knew I was. Very quickly, she managed to divide up the leftover food for both of them and called her brother for lunch and went out of her way to make everything right. I thought to myself: One, check...one more to go!

Half an hour later, when my son asked me about his baseball practice time. He realized that I was serious about not taking him. Then, he started crying, guilting me that no mom would do that, etc...I just told him, I know.... A few "I know"s later, he calmed and realized that his tactic was not going to work. He asked how can he possibly fix the energy drain. I said I can give him some ideas. Of course, any of my suggestions were too much for him followed by another guilt trip from him and "I know"s from me.....

Eventually, I left the room to do something and when I came back 15 minutes later, I found him folding laundry. I was about to fall on the floor......I thanked him and told him that was very helpful. He was not happy, but was doing the work. It was funny that he said: "You are making me work for you" and "I thought people are not allowed to have slaves any more". I told him very gently that I wish I had unlimited energy, but the reality is I don't. You being helpful gives me energy to help you later.

It was interesting that our conversation eventually changed direction and he suggested that I go lay down in bed to gain energy faster while he did the laundry.

I was amazed to see that not only did he end up doing the work and but was actually showing concern for me.
 
This mom had only just learned about Energy Drains and she pulled it off to perfection.  She was calm and loving and firm at the same time.  She let her kids know that their decision to have bad behavior caused problems in ways that impacted her and that impact was important to make right.  She used the leverage of her kids’ needing her time later to get them to comply.  For you it might be that you don’t have energy to read books at bedtime or to make dinner.  If we train our kids to look at how they impact others around them, they will be forced to see others and this creates empathy.  Many parents wonder if their kids have empathy for others since they seem so self-centered.  It’s using things like Energy Drain that will grow their hearts and have long term effects on their character. 
 
In order to help parents come up with ideas about what types of chores or services can be used to get our kids to put energy back in us I will put a link in my podcast notes to a list of Energy Drain Ideas on my website.  The list applies to families with kids of all ages, you  just pick the ones that are appropriate for the ages of your children.  A 3-year-old can vacuum and put lotion on your hands to help you out while a teenager might scrub those outside garbage bins or paint a fence.  My teenage son once had to clean the gutters I was so drained.  Whatever you pick it should be something that isn’t their normal job. 
 
I hope you’ve enjoyed learning about how using consequences instead of punishments might make your daily challenges with your kids go a bit easier.  I encourage you to use natural consequences whenever possible but remember that using energy drains when things are going badly are a way of training our kids that what they do impacts others around them in ways they need to make right again.  All this will help you change their hearts for a lifetime. 


THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN
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PODCAST Episode 9: Sibling Rivalry

4/4/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN

​Each week during the corona virus shelter-in-place I’ve been trying to cover topics that might be driving most families crazy.  Recently tantrums and night time battles were my focus but after chatting with a few families this week I changed my plans and decided sibling rivalry is a hot button especially as the weeks of shelter in place go on longer and longer.

I’m going to talk about what good might come from sibling rivalry but then some techniques like not taking sides, separating our kids, teaching them communication skills, and how setting aside Special Time can often make a big difference for a family with sibling issues.

With that said, let’s   dive in.

WHY? Emotion Behind Sibling Rivalry
I’m not sure what I really need to say about sibling rivalry.  It exists.  It’s existed since the beginning of time.  Why wasn’t there a manual given to us before we brought that second child home from the hospital? It’s bound to happen so we should prepare ourselves, right?  As silly as it sounds, no one really is prepared for how challenging sibling rivalry can be. 

We need to recognize that kids want attention, power and control.  If those things are disturbed then often times sibling rivalry can arise more frequently then we’d like.
  
Attention: As we all know, kids crave attention of any sort.  When their cravings aren’t met, they can often look elsewhere to generate more attention, often not good attention.  When a younger child arrives on the scene who is cute, adorable and needy (they need help eating or dressing or diapers changed, etc) the older kids try to be good and helpful but no one notices them. However, if they whack their little brother on the head then someone finally notices them.  Not what we’d like but it certainly draws our attention, doesn’t it?

Power and Control: On the other hand, if younger kids feel powerless and at the mercy of older siblings they try to fight back but explode with frustration over their inability to control what they want to happen.  These kids are learning how to get what they want but they don’t have the right skills yet so they use what they have which is to yell, hit, throw, wreck their siblings work or toys, whatever they can. 

It’s all a bit crazy but how we interact with our kids and their siblings during these developmental years will actually impact them in the future.  There seem to be four  types of sibling behaviors in my mind that I categorize by giving names: wimps, bullies, whiners and negotiators. 

  • Wimps: In an altercation, some kids cave every time, instead of learning how to stand up for themselves they just give in, it’s easier.  It just doesn’t seem fair that the other sibling always gets their way just because this child gives in.  We parents are worried that we have a wimp in development and we really want to change that. 
  • Bullies: This is usually an older, bigger sibling who can rule by their brawn and their brains since they’re more able than younger siblings.   These are the kids who take things away from the wimpier siblings with no regrets.  This can activate feelings of injustice in us parents as we see this child taking advantage of the weaker sibling at every turn.  We wonder if empathy, kindness and fairness are even entering that kid’s head.
  • Whiners: They cry about everything and anything.  Helicopter parents play into this big time by siding with the kid who whines the most or the loudest just based on volume we feel a major injustice MUST have happened.
  • Negotiators: Some kids learn that if they use their words, they can negotiate what they want.  These kids see they aren’t powerless even though they might not win every battle.  Their self-esteem can be enhanced instead of diminished if the right type of support is in their lives to help grow their negotiation skills.
You probably can see your children in one of these sibling types so now let’s get down to the nitty-gritty about what to do when siblings fight regardless of which type of sibling they are.

I have three rules in mind:

Rule #1 - Don’t get involved, don’t take sides, don’t blame
If your kids are fighting, try stay out of it unless there is bodily harm being done.  Let them fight and figure out what’s going to happen. If they come running to you, send them away.  Try really hard not to listen to their sob stories and don’t take sides.  Most of the time there are two sides to every story and parents don’t always get to see and hear both so just focus on it was a choice for them to fight and isn’t draining you to hear them fight.  Keep calm and encourage them to work it out.  Remember that, KEEP CALM and use empathy!  Don’t engage.  No yelling, no telling.   Yelling gets us nowhere. Try something like:

            Oh wow, I can tell this is a problem for the two of you.  I’m sure you can figure something out. This is really draining my energy hearing you fight. 

Rule #2 - Separate, if necessary
Sometimes the solution is that no one wins.  If they can’t figure things out then it’s ok to step in and take whatever it is away from everyone using EMPATHY and LOVE.

            Oh, this is so sad.  It looks like you two can’t work this out and it’s really wearing mommy down.  I’ll go ahead and put the blocks away for now.  You’re welcome to play with two different things but do it in two different locations.  If you can’t figure out what and where then just go head to your rooms for a while.

Rule #3 – Brainstorm to teach communication and negotiation skills when kids are calm
During the heat of the moment really isn’t the time to solve the larger and longer-term issue of sharing and getting along.  Yes, you can take a toy out of the equation but when things really calm down and there’s no active fight-or-flight brain going on you need to sit your kids down and talk about how to improve communication for next time they have issues.  You’re going to do brainstorming to help your kids learn to set expectations and negotiate.  The brainstorming will happen hours or even days later, it wouldn’t be within minutes of an altercation. 

What would brainstorming look like?  Here are some ideas of what to cover:
  • Calming ideas: I’d recommend you ask them to think about ideas of how to stay calm when they notice they are getting upset -- take deep breaths, count to 10, walk away or other meditation techniques.  Write them down.  Put them on a sign.  Practice them every morning or at the dinner table so they know what it feels like.
  • “I Feel” Statements: have them express their feelings to each other using “I feel” statements
    • I feel like Ken always gets to use the truck and I never do
    • I feel mad when Sara wrecks my Lego tower, I’ve taken so long to build
    • I feel mad when Jessie takes crayons and writes all over my artwork I was making
    • I feel sad when Alan took the last cookie and there wasn’t any for me
  • Taking Turns: Often times kids want to use the same toy or device at the same time.  Encourage the concept of “taking turns” and help them establish mechanisms for keeping track.  For example:
    • Both my boys always wanted to press the buttons when we went into an elevator.  It was driving me crazy that they’d rush in and try to be the first to push a button and wind up in a battle or someone crying that they didn’t get to do it.   So we set a sharing rule that one boy was always the “UP” pusher and the other was the “DOWN” pusher.  It was magic! At least with two kids…
    • In your house, you can set up posters or a magnet on the fridge or an app on your phone to help them keep track of whose turn it is next.  I’d prefer it not be electronic but you can decide as a family ways to keep track of “turns”. It might be that your kids fight or fuss over who reads to them at night.  Come up with a way that you rotate on a schedule – odd days for one kid and even days for the other.  If you have more than two then set up a calendar if you have to and have them check off the days as you go to bed each night.  Be creative but show them that they can share best when they communicate that sharing is needed. 

  • It’s OK not to Share: Feel free to encourage your kids set boundaries to protect items they cherish and how to let others know in a kind manner to respect boundaries.   
    • Little sister, these are my Legos and I’m putting them in my special box. Please don’t touch them unless I say so.
    •  Brainstorm with your children about how to put away toys so they aren’t tempting to others who shouldn’t be touching them
    • You also have to define consequences if boundaries aren’t respected.
      • Oh, this is so sad, Jenny, you knocked down brother’s tower so I guess you won’t be able to play near him today.  You can play in your room instead. 

Energy Drain
What I’ve talked about so far is all about the kids but I want to talk about you.  Yes, how draining it is for you as a parent to hear all this fighting and fussing day after day.  One of the most useful tools I think of in dealing with siblings is Love and Logic’s Energy Drain concept.  They have a great audio available on Energy Drain as well as another on Sibling Rivalry that I’ll put links to in the podcast notes.  They explain that when kids are fighting it zaps us and they need to put energy back into us or we don’t have energy to read them books, cook them dinner, drive them to a friend’s house or take them to school.  It’s really amazing how effective it is so please look it up. 

I also have a list of Energy Drain ideas on my website if you need help thinking of a chore or act of service for your kids to do to put energy back in you like washing windows, sweeping the back porch or putting hand lotion on your hands.  I’ll put that link in the notes as well.

This concept can be so heartwarming when you take the time to do it.  One mom has sent me a a video of her kids washing the patio furniture with brushes and soap when they drained mommy’s energy by fighting. 
 
Set up special time regularly
Lastly, I want to talk about what to do when your kids just seem to be at each other day after day and you can’t seem to break out of the pattern.  Lack of attention is often the culprit but it could be that one child is just bored or unsatisfied in some other way with friendships or school and torturing their sibling gives them something to do. 

We need to figure out ways to set up what I call Special Time that I’ve talked about in a few different podcast episodes.  In this case, I’d suggest 10-15 minutes of one-on-one time per kid, per day or at the very least per week, so that each kid has some sort of one-on-one connection with their parents to nourish that feeling of unconditional love and acceptance. During that time you allow your child to decide what they want to do with you.  Let them know there’s a time limit and set a timer. 

One mom I know at my church who was having some trouble, decided to set up Special Time right after school with each of her elementary boys.  They rotate 15 minutes at a time and know that when it’s not their turn they are to play quietly.  They LOVE this Special Time and it’s working wonders for peace, calm and connectedness in their home.

            Another family was having a problem with their 6-year-old son, Ben, being mean and fighting with his little 4-year-old brother, Joe, all the time.  They had a newborn as well so it was a busy household. Ben always seemed to be picking on Joe and always seemed to in a bad mood.  After brainstorming with the parents we decided the issue might be that he was feeling disconnected what with an adorable baby girl and mom and dad being so busy taking care of everything and he needed some Special Time. 

With 3 kids it was hard to set aside time but the couple decided that as soon as dad came home from work he would play chess with his son for 15 minutes or so before dinner.  Two weeks later they reported back to me the amazing difference in their son’s attitude and behavior.  He was a new child!  Wow!  In setting aside this time they dealt a decisive blow to their son’s attitude and sibling rivalry at the same time.  Ben was playing much better with Joe and even on his own. 

 was so proud of the parents doing that extra work and it really hit home for me that I need to encourage Special Time to be set up in every home for so many reasons that feed into our kids need for love and acceptance.  In our hurry-hurry world we sometimes need to slow down, don’t we?  It’s hard to make the time but it can really pay off big time especially when you have misbehaviors cropping up all the time. 
​ 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast.  Taking time to train our kids to communicate with each other is so key to siblings getting along.  Keep in mind the three rules – stay out of it as long as possible, separate them if necessary, and brainstorm ideas when things are calm. 
 
Don’t forget to take care of yourself by using the Love and Logic’s Energy Drain concept.  Please remember that you never have to figure out whose fault a fight is, just that hearing all that yelling is draining you and they need to do some work to put your energy back. 
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PODCAST Episode 8: Night Time Battles - Teen Edition

3/28/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:     LISTEN

Today we’re going to talk about how to handle sleep for our tweens and teens and why sleep seems to be so difficult for them biologically and socially.  I want to give you some ideas about how to react and manage both your expectations and theirs regarding this really essential part of their growing years. With the stresses in our environment today the impact of sleep on our mental health and immune system is super important for us to pay attention to so I hope these ideas will smooth out a few issues in your home. With that said, let’s dive in.

Teens and Tweens
When our kids reach high school but sometimes as early as middle school, we start fighting with them when to go to bed and they just don’t want to.  They’re big now, they have voices and talk back.  They can disrespect us and ignore us.  They think they know better.   We’re often not the most trusted person in their lives even though some of us are lucky to still have close relationships at these ages. 
There are a few complications that we need to be aware of:

Biological Differences
The first is biological.   The teen body clock changes in puberty so that it no longer matches the one that we have as adults or the one they had as littler kids.  Scientists don’t understand why but it’s certainly been proven to exist.  Their circadian rhythm is shifted later by up to TWO hours.  That’s way different and a big stressor to us all because although parents can feel an emotional difference at this stage many of us are clueless that there are also biological issues going against us too.  Right now you might have heard of the push for later high school start times which is where this is coming from.  If their bodies get to sleep later we can assume that they’d need to wake up later so shifting the start time could be really helpful from a biological standpoint. 

Academic Pressures
We’ve heard said that kids in middle and high school need 9-10 hours a sleep a night and many aren’t getting anywhere close to that which stresses us parents out.  Why aren’t they getting enough sleep?

For some who are in high academic environments it can be loads of homework and in addition extracurricular activities being piled on top so that our kids can be competitive when they apply to colleges. The stress of this college push starts earlier and earlier these days, for many by middle school but certainly by freshman year of high school.  Kids putting extra classes or harder classes on their schedules often with huge homework and test requirements.  AP classes are great to see on college apps. Everyone seems to think the more the better?  Right? 

​In my opinion, not right.  I think it’s great to offer challenging classes to students who are interested but to push our kids or to let them push themselves for the sake of a grade bump for AP classes they’re not even interested in just doesn’t make any sense.  If you have a Math kid, AP Calc makes sense but not AP Lit or AP Spanish. If you a literary kid then AP English makes total sense but not AP Physics.  All this extra pressure for areas of non-interest is robbing our kids of sleep as they try to keep up.  Take the pressure off and encourage your kids to focus on things that they’re interested in instead of filling in their college resumes.  Colleges are also finally figuring this out and are looking for kids who have a focus instead of the rob-o kids who do everything well.  They know it’s just not natural.

That said,  I really feel that grades and college performance pressures are robbing our kids of sleep since they have way too much homework and have to stay up all hours to complete it. 

Bed Times for Tweens
I do want to move on to give you some actual ideas about what you can do today concerning bedtimes and sleep.

First, Middle schoolers – I think it’s just fine having bedtimes but  keep in mind their changing biological clocks.  As they were growing through elementary school you should have been pushing back their bedtime each year by about 15 minutes or so.  By the time they’re in middle school a bedtime of 9:30 or 10 isn’t unreasonable in my opinion.  If your child loves at 9pm bedtime, go for it. 

Bed Times for Teens
Next, High schoolers – I firmly believe that high schoolers should be setting their own bedtime.  A bit scary for some of us but we only have four short years at most to love them though the learning process of what it means to manage their sleep.  We need to not helicopter them but let them lovingly fail and encourage them when that happens.  This includes making sure we’re not the ones waking them up, they need their own alarm clock and you give them love and empathy in the morning if they over sleep.  Make sure they know that it’s their job to own when they go to sleep and when they wake up.  

If they wake up grumpy because they were up late you can say something sweet and loving like: “Oh dear… you seem to be really tired.  So sorry.  It is really tough to go through the day when I’m tired.  I bet you’ll figure things out.  If you need some help with some ideas about what some kids might do, you just let me know.  I’m happy to brainstorm with you after school if you want.”   If they grumble back at you, ignore it and go on happily with your day.  Don’t push.  Let them know that you love them and look forward to seeing them later. Try to make it sound real even.    If they really are grumpy then I’d also encourage you to listen to podcast #2 that deals with teens, emotions and how to handle them.

​Another area we need to consider is to make sure electronics are kept in the right places and are not night time/bed time distractions. I’m going to do a separate podcast on electronics but know that my number one rule is for parents to, if at all possible, keep all electronics out of bedrooms and private places.  If your teen already has all their electronics in their room you might have lost this battle  but for some of you it’s possible you might have a window to talk to your teen about how their phone or laptop is robbing them of sleep that they so desperately need. 

If you can, have brainstorming sessions  where you discuss their sleep and how tired they seem to be.  This is a bit tricky since we need to make sure we don’t lecture them but ask open ended questions.  “Gosh, I noticed you had to stay up really late finishing your paper.  It seems tough to plan your work, what classes are most challenging?”  If your high schooler is touchy about all this, I would recommend setting up what I call Special Time and even going to a Special Place like a favorite sit-down restaurant  so you can have their undivided attention.  Sometimes with grumpy teens they behave better and have more conversation with you if you’re in public and they need to be polite. 

One mom invested in some unlimited sushi to get her teen boy to have a serious discussion on this topic.  Your budget might not allow that but be creative… teens around here seem to love Boba.. go for it if you think it will help.  But,  a nice couch in your home can work just as well if you can get them to sit with you.  It should be just one parent, by the way, so your teen doesn’t feel like you’re ganging up on them. 

Wake Up Times
One thing that lots of parents are frustrated with is they see their child staying up late playing games or YouTubing and then they want to sleep until 11, 12 or 1pm on the weekend.  With our COVID-19 situation going on right now it’s getting worse for some families since there is no official “wake up” time or even weekend, it’s all a weekend!  Their kids are turning into night owls.  Ugh.  What a drag.  I think that it’s smart  not battle with our kids about when to go to sleep, however it’s totally appropriate to negotiate with our teens about when to wake up.  If we keep quiet about when to go to sleep they need to commit to getting up by a certain time.  If you’d like them to wake up at 9am and the want to wake up at noon then both of you have to give and come up with something you both think is reasonable. 

When my boys were teens I think we had a 10am or 11am agreement going on for weekends.  It wasn’t formal but it was pretty much our normal.  One family of a sophomore I interviewed agreed that getting up by 10am even with COVID-19 going on was ok.  They aren’t bugging him about when to go to bed and he agreed he’d get up at 10 and wouldn’t be grumpy all day at the family if he’d gone to bed really, really late. It’s working really well for them.  I do agree that not wasting time fighting about when they go to bed is the way to go.  Negotiate mornings with empathy and love.  You can use Love and Logic’s Energy Drain for ideas for consequences if your teens don’t own up to the negotiated agreement.  Take a look at my website or email me for more information on that topic.

I do have to admit that having a good relationship with your child at this stage in their life is more important than their sleep.  If you can talk to your kids and have fun with them and go places with them there will be opportunities to “notice” things like “I noticed you’re tired all the time” or “I noticed you’re really grumpy at everyone when you’ve stayed up late.” If they aren’t put under a microscope and criticized all the time they’re more willing to chat with us.  That’s sort of what the Special Place is in my example above.  If they love sushi or hiking or bowling then do that with them and see if a conversation about sleep can follow but be there, be present and be loving no matter what is happening.  If anyone is yelling or nagging then you’re shutting doors to your teen’s life.  Keep them open!  If we love them through this difficult time and not have battles with them they will eventually own their own sleep.  You giving them love and empathy through all this will let them know they aren’t alone and you will love them through them being tired and even grumpy. 
 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast!  Teens and sleep are a challenge.  Letting them own their sleep is hard for us but essential for helping to raise a responsible adult who has figured out how to manage their schedule and can show up to work on time being respectful of other people and the commitments they make to others.
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PODCAST Episode 7 - Night Time Battles: Toddler to Elementary

3/27/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

I’ve been thinking a lot about sleep lately and how important it is to get a lot of it and good quality with this current crisis going on.  It’s good for our mental health as well as our immune systems.  Well,  I’m an empty-nester and not getting enough sleep so you parents of younger ones might be getting even less than I am so I’m dedicating this to all of you so that maybe a few of these ideas can get you and your family a few more minutes of sleep or at least set a calmer tone in your house at bed time.

This podcast is for parents of toddlers through elementary school,  I have a separate podcast on dealing with issues of sleep and teens so please head there if you have older kids.  In this podcast we’ll go through some ideas for moving toward bed, getting ready for bed, turning out the lights and finally ideas for those of you who have kids who wake up at night. With that said, let’s get started.

Heading toward bed – the transition
For many kids it’s really hard to transition from playful family time to the lonely and boring time of bedtime and night time.  Kids might be hyped up playing and rough housing or they might be involved in a really interesting show or project that will take way longer than our bedtime goals allow.  Transitions are really hard for many kids so we need to make the transitions as painless and battle free as possible.  To do this there are two things we have at our disposal which will prevent many battles before they start – choices and boundaries.  

Most of the time choices are really effective since kids just really want some control over their lives.  We’re so used to bossing them around it makes some of them decide to say “no” no matter how reasonable we are.  If we say “It’s bedtime.” They’re almost programmed to resist.  Offering choices before you hear “no” is SUPER important. You have to use choices early, if you have resistance you’ve lost your battle so make your choices effective and as fun as possible.

So you’re going to use choices like this:
  • Would you like to go to bed at 8 or 8:15? (knowing full well we want them to go to bed at 8:15!)
  • Would you like to set the bedroom timer or me? (I love using timers especially for kids who can’t tell time yet on their own)
  • Would you like to set the bedroom timer for 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing you’re fine with 15 minutes)
If you give choices as to when to head to bed you use them again with HOW to get there.  Try using something like “Wow, it’s time to head to bed!  Would you like to …
…crawl on your tummy to bed or walk backwards?
… or Would you like to go blindfolded or have me carry you upside down? 
… or Would you like to hop on one foot or skip to bed?
Fun is super helpful!  Being creative and offering different choices every night is also super helpful. 

Getting ready for bed – give them choices
Once we get them in the vicinity of their bedroom and the bathroom area to get ready we use   
  • Would you like to brush your teeth first or put your pjs on first?
  • Brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
  • Would you like to take a bubble bath or a lights out bath with a candle?
  • Would you like to dry off with a big towel or lots of little wash cloths?
  • Would you like mint toothpaste or cinnamon toothpaste? 
  • Electric or hand brushing?
  • Pajama top on first or pajama bottom?
  • Would you like to sleep with your school clothes on or your pajamas?
 
The idea is that you constantly throw new choices at them so that they don’t have time to think that one of the choices is “No!”.  Being creative with choices is key!

Set boundaries
Another skill that is super useful at bedtime is setting boundaries so that your kids know ahead of time what to expect and they’re things that you can stick to.  If your kids can have input as to what they are, especially as they get into older grades in elementary school, the more effective these will be.  For any boundary to be effective there has to be a consequence if you don’t get the result you are looking for. 

What am I talking about?  A useful boundary for most families is setting which time kids are ready for bed. Let’s say that a family starts heading to bed at 7:15 and want lights out by 8:15.  They need a bath, teeth brushing, getting pajamas on and reading books in that one hour of time.  I’d suggest setting a boundary like: “I read books to kids who are ready by 8:00. “  It’s a simple statement that tells your kids that as long as they are ready they can have books for 15 minutes.  This also means that you as a parent have to be willing to have a child having a tantrum at 8:05pm who wasn’t ready on time and will not be getting books tonight.  You need to be ready to have this happen and to give love and empathy.  “Wow, this is sooooo sad.  I love reading books.  I’m sad too.  I can’t wait till tomorrow night.”  You can give them hugs but you cannot read to them. You have to hold your ground especially when you know your child’s currency is book time.  You have to realize that your child had a choice and they chose to not have book time,  it wasn’t you. 

But, Mary, you might say, my child can’t tell time yet.  What do I do?  Use timers again!  Lots of timers if you need to.  Cheap ones from Target or Amazon work great.   Have your little one learn how to set them and get them maybe even to try “Beat the Clock” type contests.  Set one timer for 30 minutes, another for 15, another for 5 and the last one for 2.  Put them in different places to make it fun if you want but MAKE SURE they know there’s a limit and that they get to choose if they get books or not, it’s not up to you.  You give LOVE and EMPATHY if they blow it.  Some of you might want to try this on a weekend night if you’ve got to work on weekdays but you need to start and keep pulling it off for a few days for some kids to believe that your word is true, that there are no books if they’re not ready. 

Lights Out
By the time bedtime comes around most of us have our eyes on the goal – some downtime without kids!  Maybe a glass of wine with our spouse or to watch a show that’s not rated G.  We say a prayer: “Please Lord, let them fall asleep quickly so I can have some ME TIME.”  However, many of us find our ME TIME cut short by kids not wanting to fall asleep.  Some of us fall asleep with them (that’s what would happen to my husband and I), some of us sit close by outside the bedroom door feeling chained there until we can peek in and see that our kid is finally, finally asleep then we tip toe away as quietly as possible hoping we don’t wake them up.  Is that you?   What can we do to get them to sleep? 

If you have a child who really, really won’t go to sleep without controlling where you are then during daytime you need to spend Special Time with them to brainstorm what they need at bedtime so that they stay in bed.  Special Time is where one parent schedules some time with just them and the child, no siblings or distractions, just the two of you. 

During this time you think about ideas for what they need at bedtime since your new boundary is that once books are done mom and dad are done too.  You will let them know that they are welcome to have bedroom time for as long as they want but they must be quiet and stay in their room.  You really can’t force your child to sleep on command but you can allow them to be quiet and in their room and allow them to be in control of their environment.  During the Special Time I’d offer more creative choices than I might have offered in the past:
  • Would you like to sleep in your bed or on the floor?
  • Would you like to sleep in your sleeping bag or with a different blanket?
  • Would you like to be buried by a pile of stuffed animals so that I can’t see you?
  • Would you like the light on or off?

The idea is that your child chooses all these things that really don’t matter since what matters to you is that you get your ME TIME and they are quiet and in their room.

If your child won’t stay in their room and you have to constantly put them back or they have tantrums then you need to deal with those then I’d highly recommend that you go and listen to my 5th podcast which tells you what to do with tantrums. 

In brief though, for some kids you might wind up going ahead and cuddling them and falling asleep that night but then the next day you’re going to have them restore all that sleep and free time you lost in dealing with them by doing a few chores around the house.  Yes, even if they are only 3 or 4 you do this.  They need to know that their choice to take away your free time has a cost.  You love them and will help them get to sleep but you need to let them know you need their help to restore that time lost. You do it lovingly and with empathy. 

In the morning you’ll say something like: “Wow, that sure was a late night last night.  I’m so sorry you had trouble getting to sleep and that mommy didn’t have time to finish what I had planned.  It would be great if you helped out today by vacuuming the living room and sweeping the porch.”  I would also take a bit of time to brainstorm again to see what adjustments need to be made when you head to bed again that night.  Checking in with your child and making adjustments is really helpful.  They need to know that problems often take time and many adjustments to solve and that you’ll love them and work with them as long as it takes to solve this one.
 
Difficult Night Time Issues
In working with parents over the years I have offered this advice and for many it works wonders.  The choices and boundaries and knowing your child’s nighttime currency is super helpful.  However, there are a few situations I’d like to offer further advice. 

Kids waking in the middle of the night with siblings in the room that might wake up
One family I worked with has a small house and 3 kids, two who slept in the same room.  Their 4-year-old would wake up every night and scream so dad had to get him to calm down or his son would wake up the whole house and the new baby.  Oh my… definitely a problem.  We decided that getting his child to calm down during the night was really imperative so he’d need to use the Special Time solution to brainstorm ideas about what they could do to remedy the situation.  He would also need to work with his son to give him some jobs to help repair the sleep that dad had lost by getting woken up at night. 

As we mentioned before, this will be with love and empathy, the chores given won’t be a punishment for his behavior that he can’t control yet, just a recognition that he caused distress to someone else and has to help even the waters a bit during awake time. Another dad of a 4-year-old used Special Time to brainstorm with his son what books and stuffed animals he needed at bedtime but he also let his son know that he was too tired to play basketball with him when he’s woken up at night since he’d lost so much sleep.  It took about a week for the two of them to brainstorm enough to figure out their nighttime solution.  It was awesome to hear!  Go dads!
 
Kids wanting to climb into your bed in the middle of the night
Some of you might fall into the category that I did.  My son went to sleep ok but he’d wake up every night and didn’t wake anyone else up but me.  He’d come quietly to my side of the bed and want to climb in and sleep with us.  He was so cute at first so of course I’d let him sleep with us.  Sometimes, once he got back to sleep my husband or I would carry him back to his room but sometimes he was there the rest of the night.  Ugh… I was so tired and not getting good sleep with a little one kicking and turning and taking space I enjoyed in our bed.

  So, what I wound up doing is setting up a little bed next to ours that was just one of those tiny futons and put a crib sheet, a blanket and pillow on it.  My son got to choose what else he’d like on the little bed but it was small and fairly out of the way so I could still get in my bed.  Then, I let him know if he woke up in the middle of the night he was welcome to sleep there and that sleeping with mommy and daddy was not an option.  He was happy with that solution so for about a year from maybe 4 to 5 he slept probably ½ the nights on that little bed. 

​I was talking to another family and they actually have a small teepee set up in their room that they actually let their daughter whose about 6 just go ahead and sleep in all night.  Another family put a sleeping bag outside their master bedroom door for their daughter to sleep in if she awoke at night.  If you don’t mind and have the space, go for it.  It really won’t be happening when they’re teens, believe me.  Bottomline, if your child is waking you and you’re losing sleep feel free to be creative but don’t feel like you have to let them sleep with you.  Sometimes just being near you will be just fine. 
 
Early Morning Wake Ups
The last topic is what to do with kids who wake up earlier than mom or dad.  Actually, I’m going to tackle that topic hopefully in next one of my next podcasts but to give you a hint if you have this issue, use Special Time to brainstorm some ideas with your kid.  If your kids are really little go online and look for one of those kiddie wake-up clocks that go from red to green to signal when they can get out of bed.  More later though but feel free to email me if you need help right now.
 
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast!  Getting kids to bed is a lot of work some nights but I hope you can use fun choices and set some good boundaries for getting to bed and getting ready for bed.  I pray for all of you to have a bit more sleep especially when some of us our not sleeping well right now for other reasons.   
 
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PODCAST Episode 6: Tantrums and Calm Down Time

3/20/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:  LISTEN

Tantrums can be so draining and disruptive to happy family life so in this hour of great need I’m going to talk about the emotion behind the tantrums, how to set up “calm down” time, and then how to brainstorm with our kids after the emotion of the tantrum or bad behavior has passed.  The target for this is really parents of toddlers through elementary school so if you have a teen, I’d recommend that you listen to my second podcast called: Teens: Respect, Emotions and Brains. 
​
Emotion Behind the Tantrums
The problem with a little one having a tantrum is that it oftentimes sets us off turning us into angry, frustrated parents who are yelling and screaming, right?  Tantrums often happen when we are most rushed or pressed for time – bedtime, getting to school, having to leave a party, getting off electronics, brushing teeth, having to do homework or practice piano.  We are just trying to get life going in the right direction when, WHAM, another a tantrum hits and really set us off.  Ugh… why me??? Why again? Why is my kid always doing this? What’s wrong with them? My other kids weren’t this bad. What’s wrong with me?  So many emotions flying and they can send us into our own adult tantrum.  

We need to help ourselves in these situations by remembering to KEEP CALM and LOVING.  Yes, it will be hard to do when our kid is having a meltdown but you need to do just that.  KEEP CALM and LOVING.  When we get pushed into yelling ourselves it means that our thinking brain has turned off and we’re in our emotional, fight-and-flight brain which is never good when dealing with kids and tantrums.  So, having ways to keep our anger under control is necessary and I’ll do a future podcast on that subject in the future but for now just keep the thought in mind that your child’s tantrum isn’t about you, it’s about them and their inability to control their world.  It’s ok that they’re upset.

Your child has very few skills especially under the age of five when it comes to letting you know their dissatisfaction with whatever it is they don’t like.  They can yell, cry, scream, kick, fall on the floor like a wet noodle, and bite.  That’s it!  Later on when they’re teens they might verbally be able to spar with you but not too much when they are really young.  So, you have to keep your emotions under control and just deal with theirs.  Again, you need to be CALM and LOVING!

Calm Down Time – set the stage
 Now that we know the tantrum is about our kids’ emotions and not ours, here’s what we need to do next.  Have a safe place in your house that you can designate as a “calm down” location.  You can even ask your child during a non-emotional time where they might like to calm down when they become upset.  You need to set up a situation where your child knows and trusts you love them unconditionally and you tell them that when they get really upset you want to give them a safe place to be and time alone to calm down.  This calm down area is a place you need to make sure they understand is not a place for punishment, it’s a time of love and understanding that we all need time to calm down when we’re upset. 

Now that you have a place you might want to make sure it’s safe.  Most of the time it’s a bedroom but, wherever it is, it needs to be a place that your child is free to roam around in. If you have a smaller child who is still in a crib you can use that but for a child out of a crib you would allow them ideally to have access to the whole room.  They can have books and stuffed animals and things that can help them calm down.  It’s all ok since this is a Calm Down place like I said, not a place for punishment.  There might be a time you have to remove books if they throw them and wreck them but for now, let them have stuff to do.  They won’t even see the stuff when they are in full melt-down mode but as they come out of it, it can help. 

You should also explain to your child that as long as they stay in the room until they are calm then the door can stay unlocked and open.  Once they calm down, you’ll set a timer for 3 to 5 minutes and as long as they can keep staying calm during that time then they’ll be able to come out.  You love them and will be waiting for them to calm down so they can rejoin the family. 
 
 
Calm Down Time – let it happen
The next phase after your child knows what Calm Down Time is will be to wait.  Yep, you wait until a tantrum happens.  When your child starts having a meltdown you’re going to ask them if they’d like some Calm Down Time.  If they are small and under 5 or so, they can walk themselves or you can carry them.  If they are older, you can help direct them or just ask them to go to the Calm Down location.  You do this in a calm, loving tone of voice.  No yelling. You say something like: “Wow, I can tell you’re really upset.  It looks like you need some time to calm down. Let’s go head to the Calm Down Room.”  They might not be in great shape but you make sure in a loving manner they get to the location.  If you have older kids and they refuse to go then just let them be and say: “Ok, we’ll talk about this later.  I’m going to go to a different location so that I can remain calm.” And then you get out of the way.  I’ll talk about what to do with those rebellious kids in a minute, for now let’s assume your child made it to the room.

Now you’re going to let them choose whether or not they get to have the door open or closed.  Keep in mind that the goal is to have them calm down, it doesn’t matter if their door is opened or closed as long as they stay in their room.  I’d start with the door open and if they come out then it will be a signal that they need the door closed.  Many kids will be crying and won’t even be able to think.  If they come out with the door closed then you’re going to “lock” it which for a small child will mean that you take a towel and flip it over the top of the door.  You aren’t going to leave them in there forever and really lock them in and you’re certainly not going to leave the house but one thing you really don’t want to do is stand there holding the door closed with your hands.  If you did struggle with the door handle, the child would have lots of power of you and it would distract from this whole process.  So, get the door closed and “locked” if you need to but don’t stay right next to the door.  Go ahead and start making dinner or even read a book or watch TV with your other kids.  Create a loving environment outside the Calm Down time that makes the tantrum kid want to go back to.   

You now want to wait again.  Wait until you hear no fussing, no crying, no yelling, no pleading.  Once it’s all quiet you go ahead and open the door and ask if they are ready to set the timer.  If they start fussing and crying then you go ahead and let them know with empathy and love that it seems they need a bit more time.  However, if they can remain calm then you go ahead and have an egg timer or some other hand timer, not your cell phone, and leave it in the room or outside the room and let it run and beep.  Your child can then open the door and come out.  Then you give them hugs and kisses and say you are so happy they’re calm again.  No need to go over why they went into the Calm Down Room, they already know that they hit their brother or threw something when they weren’t supposed to or wrecked their sisters poster when they were mad.  Just let love be the result.  
 
Brainstorming and Special Time after the Tantrum
Now that the Calm Down time is over it means that your child’s brain has turned back on to their thinking brain.  Lots of the time this Calm Down time accomplishes what it needs to especially for really young ones. Our kids’ emotions boil up inside and they just need to safely let them out and know that we’ll love them when it’s over.  However, there are some situations or some kids who just keep having tantrums and we need to spend some time brainstorming with them that I call Special Time.  This is time where there aren’t other siblings and is with only one parent, time that the parent can set up that is without emotion and isn’t right after a tantrum. You will also use Special Time with those older rebellious kids who refused to go to the Calm Down location when you asked.   I would wait ½ day or maybe a full day or two after a tantrum to try Special Time.  You might need to coordinate with your spouse to take over with your other children or even send the other kids to a friend’s house or grandparents.  But you need to create an environment where you won’t get interrupted.  

Now, when you start the Special Time you can be cuddling at home on your bed, on their bed or a favorite couch, it doesn’t have to be someplace exotic, just some place that is relatively soothing and without too many other distractions.  Tell your child that it’s Special Time as well so they can come to look forward to special time with you in the future.  

Next, you’re going calmly and lovingly say something like: “Wow, the other day you sure were upset.  Can we talk about that?  I want to brainstorm with you and figure out what we can do to help so that you don’t have that issue in the future.”  Then you talk about what you might do, be a team.  For the most part these special brainstorming sessions are going to be for kids about 4 or older but feel free to try them for littler ones too, you be the judge as to when to start them.  
 
Ok, that’s the learning part of the podcast. 

Now I want to tell you two stories of parents who attended the Parenting the Love and Logic Way® class that I’ve been a facilitator for for many years.  One story is about a parent of a 3 ½ year old who really needed Calm Down time and the other has a first grader who turned out needing the brainstorming session after some particularly bad behavior.  In the first story it mentions Love and Logic® toddler specific technique called the Uh Oh Song that is amazing and I’ll put some references into my podcast notes if you’d like more details and examples to use with your toddlers.  I can’t recommend it enough.  

Ok, so that first story, here’s what the mom wrote me: 

My oldest son is 3.5 years old. Before I took this class, we did a variation of Time Out for when he had temper tantrums where I'd just put him in his room, but get him after a few minutes and ask him to calm down before he could come out. Basically, I would then help him calm down by holding him, etc.
​
So a few days ago, I decided to apply what we learned in class about the Uh Oh Song and followed the steps, specifically leaving him in his room until he calmed down on his own. Well, he screamed and screamed on and off for 1 hour and 15 minutes!! It was agonizing listening to him and so many thoughts were going through my mind. But I stuck with it and followed through with the 3-minute timer after he had calmed and then invited him to come out. He was like a new kid, super grateful to be out and so helpful with such a great attitude afterwards.

I can imagine that the key to this technique is being super consistent so that he really learns that the quicker he calms down, the sooner he can come out. I'm looking forward to it hopefully taking less time next time. I keep thinking about that example you shared about these investments we make now during parenting (even though they can be heart-breaking and challenging) will really pay off later.
 
Such a cool story.  Now, for the second one here’s what the mom wrote me after reading my monthly newsletter:

I love reading your emails and still value so much what I learnt on your course. I won’t say I always do it perfectly but I do try. So I have an example of a situation that I am finding difficult right now. I am a scout leader at my 6-year old’s Girl Scout group. At the meetings I lead a lot of the activities which means I need to focus and ensure I am fair to everyone. My 6-year-old acts out a lot at the meetings. She demands more attention than anybody else and constantly interrupts me. I try to explain nicely that she needs to wait her turn or stop messing around, but she doesn’t hear me and starts to be nasty to me and others around her. It is extremely distracting and as I am leading I don’t have the option to remove her from the situation and have a chat about it. I end up annoyed by the end of the meeting and embarrassed as there are other parents there too. I have tried to explain calmly when we are at home that I love her very much but cannot give her special attention at Scouts. I explain that she needs to view me as if I am a teacher in this situation. The next meeting is coming up soon and I am dreading it. Do you have any suggestions on how to avoid a similar situation? Thanks, Nancy

Nancy’s issues of a child behaving badly in public certainly aren’t unique but coming up with some ideas that would best fit her daughter’s situation was.  She was able to continue explaining to me how her daughter is really hard on herself, that she gets really upset when she isn’t doing something perfectly and feels even worse when others notice when they are in public.  It seemed to me she was getting the impression she had to be perfect all the time, that she wasn’t getting enough grit training in her life.  We decided Nancy needed to sit down with Jenny and have a heart to heart before the next Girl Scout meeting to try to sort things out.  My advice was to make sure she used lots of open-ended questions and not lecture Jenny on what the outcome should be.  Her daughter needed to know that she was loved no matter how she behaved and help her learn how to have grit and know things can get better even if they go badly sometimes.  She’s only 6 so she’ll have plenty of time to practice grit if they start now. 

Nancy also thought there might be a complicating factor with her daughter reacting to the very sugary snacks that families brought to start off each scout meeting.  We decided that Nancy should do the same brainstorming with Jenny on this topic as well.  
 
Here’s what Nancy wrote back:

Hi Mary,
I had a chat with Jenny this afternoon about the meeting. We sat on the beanbag in her room and I gave her hug and told her that I love her always no matter what. Then I said you know how I chose to lead the scouts this year, just wondering if you like that I do that or would prefer I didn’t? She said she really liked it and loved spending time with me there. I then asked ‘How do you think the last meeting went?’. She replied, ‘Not too good’. I asked ‘what do you think was not good?’. She replied: "I acted out and was mean to you and others." I asked her how she felt at the last meeting. She said: ‘angry, frustrated and embarrassed because I was being bad’. I asked how it made her feel when I corrected her and asked her to stop doing something. She said that it embarrassed her and she felt like she was being bad. I asked her what she would like to do at the next meeting if I need to say something to her. She suggested to go outside to talk. I said good idea but what if I am in the middle of something and can’t leave? She thought a bit, I then suggested that maybe we should have a secret code so I could tell her when I need her to stop doing something or pay attention without others knowing. She loved that idea. I asked her to think of what she would like as a code. We had a bit of fun with that and laughed together at some of the funny ideas she came up with. She thought of 5 and I then asked her to select the one she liked the most. She picked a small teddy bear. I put it in the scouts backpack for tomorrow. She suggested then that maybe we could have a different one every week and I agreed that was a great idea. We also agreed that if she was feeling upset or angry that she could go outside the door for a break to reset regardless of what was going on. 
We then got on to the snack. That was kind of easy as she is also dairy-free right now for allergy reasons. If asked what she thought of the snacks. She said she didn’t know what it might be and if it was cookies with milk, she might not be able to have it. So, I said what can we do if it is? She suggested waiting until she got home and then having something? I said what if you are hungry? She then suggested that we bring some things from home in case. We went out to the kitchen and she chose the snacks and drink she wanted to take and was happy with that. I finished off by asking if we could have another chat after the meeting to see how she thought it went and she agreed that would be good. 

Fingers crossed for tomorrow!!   Nancy

Well, that was AMAZING but the story gets better… 
A few days later I followed up with Nancy:

The meeting went so much better than the last time. I gave her a lot of space and let her realize when she needed to share e.g. glue etc.  Then we had the moment that could have turned the meeting. Her little 3-year-old sister walked on her art project and got glue on a place it should not have gone. She got really annoyed and hit her, sister screamed and hit back. I didn’t say a word- took sister away, got the teddy and handed it to Jenny. She looked at me and kind of nodded and smiled and got back to her project. A minute later she came to me and handed back the teddy. So simple - it defused the whole situation without me needing to say a word. The rest of the meeting went really smoothly and we all went home happy. We talked about it after and she agreed it was a much better meeting. She is excited to pick another secret code for our next meeting.

Wow, amazing how that brainstorming really turned around not only bad behavior but really empowered Jenny in a way that really built more confidence and grit into her.   
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this podcast and have some new ideas or refreshed some old ones about how to get more calm into your families – by you keeping calm and not taking offense at your child’s tantrums, by allowing your children to have calm down time and then, when needed, creating special time with them so you can brainstorm ideas about how to help empower them to keep calm in the future before tantrums can arise.  
 
Link to UH Oh Song Info
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PODCAST Episode 5: Fun With Food: Teen Edition

3/15/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:   LISTEN

In my previous podcast about food battles I was talking about troubles with younger kids; however, parents of teens and tweens also tend to have issues with food. I’m going to talk about what you can do with issues like kids skipping meals, the emotional instability having “hangry” kids and how to react to different types of diets teens try.   I hope you enjoy it!
 
First, what to do about kids who skip meals? 
We’ve all heard breakfast is the most important meal of the day, right?  Well, so many teenagers just skip it!  That’s not healthy at all and we know it.  Or, how about teens who just eat French fries for lunch at school.  Or just a piece of cheese pizza, day after day.  They are all growing still!  Don’t they understand their brains need veggies and Omega 3s?  They need really protein, not just carbs, right?  However, lecturing doesn’t change a thing, does it? Sometimes we might be able to guilt then into eating a granola bar on their way out the door to school in the morning but it’s only due to our nagging, not because they believe us.  Sigh…


What do we do?  We have to let go.  Just let them own their own food.  Our job is the same as when they were little, we provide healthy choices and they decide what and how much.  We can tempt them with their favorite dinner if we want but we have to restrain ourselves from being upset if they decide not to eat it. 
 
We need to them do this as long as you don’t see negative food behaviors like anorexia or bulimia.  They are serious conditions that need medical help right away.  But, as long as you’re not feeling a medical emergency is imminent, just let it go and give them love and encouragement.  A dear friend had a son who only ate a certain type of pasta and doritos every day from about middle to high school.  He was known as the Dorito Kid.  He’s out of college now, has a great job and loves the outdoors.  He’s fine and mom was wise to bide her time with his eating. 
 
What about “hangry” kids and the emotions it creates?
If they turn into “hangry” monsters when their blood sugar levels go off the charts try to get them some food if they’ll let you but don’t nag, just offer. 

Then, just l like I talked about in Podcast #2 about Teens and emotion, you want to wait until they are calm, maybe a day or two later, and talk to them about what you noticed and how it affected you.  Something like: “Gee, you were really out of sorts yesterday.  It seems like you were hangry and really grumpy.  Can we talk about that?”  You’re looking for them to say “yes” so that you can have a discussion.  Keep in mind that a discussion is different than a lecture.  You need to ask questions, not tell your child what to do.  Ask them how they felt and what they could do about it.  Would they like some suggestions?  If you keep a loving and empathetic tone and allow them to own the problem of their hangriness, things will go much better than if we just sit them down and we are frustrated and angry.  
 
How about kids who have weird diets?
These years seem to be ones where our kids want to experiment with lots of behaviors and sometimes it has to do with food.  Maybe you’re a family who eats meat and all the sudden your teen decides to be a vegetarian and upsets your whole meal planning.  Or maybe they go on a Keto diet or a Bulletproof Diet or any number of other fad diets.  It can be frustrating from a parental point of view especially if you think it’s not healthy. 

My encouragement would be to be interested in why your child is choosing to change and maybe even experiment with them by looking up recipes and cooking with them.  I would not change my entire family over to the new plan but I think showing respect for their new ideas and having a bit of fun with them can really help build a positive relationship.  One son of mine did the Bullet Proof Diet for a while – coffee with butter in it wasn’t my favorite but I did try it for a while.  He moved from that to some sort of protein powder body building diet and I let him use his own money and he did his own research on what to use. 

Another friend of his was on vacation with us and was very dedicated to the Keto Diet which was super challenging but it I used it as a learning experience and even tried it for a while myself.  It wasn’t for me but I think having an attitude of allowing our teens to expand our horizons really builds bonds in ways that grow stronger and stronger over time. 
 
That’s all for now!  I hope you find it useful thinking about teens and food issues.  If you have more questions about teens and food that I didn’t cover,  I’d love to hear from you!
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Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting Podcaster and Educator
Independent Facilitator of Parenting
​the Love and Logic Way®​

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