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Podcast 35: Helping Kids Learn to Apologize

6/30/2021

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

Don’t you hate it when your kid does something so embarrassing or just plain mean to someone else? Biting another kid... Stealing something out of someone’s backpack.. Sending mean texts ... Yelling at their sibling that they hate them... Disturbing a room full of quiet children who are concentrating...

Makes you just cringe! You HAVE to get them to apologize for any offenses, right?

Did your parents ever force you to apologize? Did it really make you feel sorry? I’m guessing that, like me, you probably just felt worse, felt embarrassed and it made you even more mad at whatever/whomever caused you to be rude in the first place.

Apologies are really important, however; what we want is for the heart of our kid to change, to have them understand that their behavior was unacceptable and caused hurt in another human being. Here are some ideas that might be more effective at changing their hearts instead of just forcing them through the motions of an insincere “I’m sorry.”
1 - WAIT TILL EMOTION HAS PASSED
The worst time to get a kid to apologize is when they are still full of emotion. You have to WAIT until they are calm and can talk about the situation and until YOU are calm as well. In the moment we get so distraught and embarrassed at what our kids have done that we want to lash out and fix things right away. We drag them across the playground and say things like “Apologize to Sara right now!” or “Tell Jamie you’re sorry!”

Instead, we need to go BRAIN DEAD, to take time for everyone’s feelings to subside.  It might be you wait until you get your child home from school or a playdate or even the next day.  This calm will allow us to make sure that their minds are open to a discussion when we move to the next step. Feel free to weave in empathy for the situation.  “Wow, it sure is tough when we hurt someone’s feelings.  I can tell you’re upset.  Let’s talk about it later.  I sure love you.”

2 – Brainstorm Ways to Make Amends
Brainstorming is the next step.  There are a few pointers to making this as effective as possible. 
  1. Do it privately, without your other children present if possible.  You don’t need comments from snarky siblings as you tackle the issue.  If you can give 100% of your attention without juggling other things at the same time it really helps.  
  2. ASK if they are ready to talk about ideas for apologizing before launching into your own ideas.  This is the test to see if their brains are “open”.  If they answer, “yes” that they’re ready to talk, it means their thinking brain has turned back on.  If “no” is their response, then emotions might still be holding onto their brain so hold off and try again at another time.  Don’t forget to throw in another round of empathy like “I can see an apology might be hard for you.  I sure love you.  Let’s try again later.”
  3. Once you’ve do have an opening, exchange ideas of how THEY intend to deal with the apology. Sometimes you’ll get an immediate, “I don’t know.”  Feel free to gently suggest ideas of what you think might work keeping in mind we want to activate their brain in the thinking process.  We put out one idea at a time and think about it together.  We want an apology that will work for them, so their feedback is really important.
What does it look like when you’re done?  One son decided to write a letter instead of walking up to the girl he was mean to. One boy who threw a block at his brother decided he’d give his brother a hug, say he’s sorry then let him play with his new playdough set.  In another situation a teenager offered to babysit their younger siblings after taking the car when they weren’t supposed to.  They could give flowers with a note, draw a picture.  These days they could even make a Tic Tok video apology if that’s their thing.  Feel free be creative and to role-play the apology or, even more useful, role play how they’d avoid the situation from happening next time it comes up. 

As a parent you want to support your child in learning different ways they might apologize that work for them so that as you launch them into the future they have skills for repairing relationships when things go wrong. The brainstorming models for them that they can figure an apology strategy that works for them, not a parent-enforced and  insincere, “I’m sorry.”

3 – Getting to Their Heart with Consequences
Lastly, there are times when even brainstorming with your child just doesn’t work.  What then?  When a kid’s heart is disconnected from the impact of their behavior, it’s best to let a consequence do the encouraging rather than a forced apology or giving them a lecture. I love how Love and Logic tells parents to use what they call Energy Drain.  You give EMPATHY and then, “Oh, this is sooooo sad. It really drains mommy’s energy when I see you aren’t willing to apologize for ...
  • hitting your sister
  • being too loud and disrupting class  
  • taking food that was meant for the birthday party tomorrow

After the EMPATHY, ask them how they are going to put energy back in you. It might be a chore or a service they do for you. Each time they drain your energy in this way, you let them pay you back. Over time, if you’re consistent and loving, they will learn that their poor choices of causing hurt in others are causing them to do extra WORK! Yes, real WORK instead of just saying some stupid words that don’t mean anything. If this WORK doesn’t make them get a heart for their actions at least you’ve stopped the insincere words which weren’t changing behavior anyway.  If you see your child needing this reinforcement, feel to get more details by listening to Parenting Decoded’s Podcast #10 on Consequences.
​
To summarize, we want our kids to apologize, and we need to set up ways for them to learn to do this after emotions have calmed down and in ways where their heart is engaged and they sincerely are sorry.
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Podcast 34: Life Skills for Teens and Tweens

6/14/2021

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

If you ask me one of our main goals as parents is to launch kids into adult life who are responsible, independent and resilient.  With those goals in mind in this episode I hope to inspire those of you parents with older kids to seize the day and open up your minds to new ideas on how to head in that direction.
 
In Silicon Valley our kids get lots of experience academically.  They know what their grades are and how to access their online school portals.  They know about homework and exams and schedules.  That’s great training for getting through school but what is easy to neglect is how to train them to experience living day to day that they will face once they are out of the bubble known as home.  We want them to flourish academically but often by doing so we rob them of responsibility for knowing how to live a full life beyond the walls of our homes and schools. 
 
In this episode we’ll talk about how to get our older kids, teens and tweens, to experience the bigger picture stuff and expose them to some of the messiness of life in a loving, supportive environment where they might even mess up some.  Everything from chores they should know how to do on their own to handling money, cars and how to get a part time job.  I’ll talk about planning vacations in addition to how to handle routine paperwork and cooking.  It’s sort of a laundry list of items I think any parent should consider when training your kids for the future. 
 
First off, HOME STUFF OTHERWISE KNOWN AS CHORES
 
Laundry
This is the easiest of the chores to turn over to your kids.  Whether they do their laundry or not really only affects them if you can put up with the potential of smelly clothes or a smelly room.  You teach them how to use the washer, how to separate clothes into darks and lights, how to spray stains and what the capacity of the washing machine is. 

When I turned over laundry to my sons, I did all those steps for teaching them but we still stumbled on something that not even I knew.  Did you know that clothes can mildew if they sit in the washer for days?  I’ll tell you, it was certainly stinky, and my son used google to figure that one out.  He got to teach me!  It was certainly an affordable mistake and I’m so glad we could lovingly learn a solution together, no yelling, screaming or nagging needed. 
 
Cooking
Every kid should be able to cook a few basics before they leave your home whether it’s mac ‘n cheese or scrambled eggs.  I knew a parent whose child went off to college not knowing how to scramble an egg and the college had no room in the dorms, so their daughter had to go into an apartment that first year.  Well, the dad took off work and went to stay nearby so that he could help his daughter with getting used to dealing with food – buying food at a grocery store and learning to cook.  Wow.  It really blew me away and that is certainly an extreme example, but I do regularly run into parents who don’t want their kids in the kitchen because they’d make a mess.  If that’s you, please let your kid make a mess and then, show them how to clean up!  That’s part of the process.  You show them how to restore the kitchen to its original condition.  But there can be so much joy in a family kitchen where kids own cooking a meal all the way from selecting a meal to shopping, chopping and sauteing or grilling.  In the summertime, we had our boys cook twice a week. One of the days one would choose a main meal and the other would choose a side to go with it then they’d switch the second day.  It really helped instill in them a love and enjoyment for cooking together but also the process of taking care of getting food onto the table. 
 
Cleaning House
Teaching your kids how to clean sinks and toilets as well as vacuum and how to clean windows so there aren’t streaks is what I’m talking about.  If there’s a clog in the toilet, show them how to clear it and the next time, they get to do it.  Show them how to prevent toilet rings and deal with calcium buildup if you have hard water.  These are all sorts of things that we adults take care of way too much.  Have them clean the hair out of the drain in the bathtub or shower or take down cobwebs or clean the dust off of ceiling fans or light fixtures.  If you want to be creative, hold a family meeting and come up with a list of the chores in the house they’ve never done before and set a goal for how many they do each week of the summer.  Whether it’s three a week or one a week, have it be something.
 
Yardwork
Summer is a wonderful time to get out as a family and teach your kids about trimming and mowing lawns.  Let them learn about clippers and weed pullers as well as fertilizers and bug control.  Ants, rats, mice, roaches and other pests are something they should know about. Yes, they can be yucky and gross but… life isn’t all roses, is it?
 
Painting
Have your kids help paint their room or a fence or a house.  Let them know how much work it can be and that being careful with paint is really important.  Knowing how to clean brushes, open paint cans and store paint for future use helps give them perspective on what it takes to make a house look nice.  If you want and can afford it, pay them for this extra work. 
 
Now, let’s move on to more ADMINISTRATIVE roles outside the house.
 
Money
If there’s one skill that I think parents today neglect more than any other it’s how to deal with money.  If you have a teen, they should have a checking and a savings account with an ATM card.  If you give your kids any money, transfer it using some online method.  I have a whole podcast about dealing with money and you should really implement all of it but, if you don’t have time, at least do this part.  You want your kids to learn about running out of money and overdrafts and how to write a physical check even if hardly anyone does it anymore.  My boys were a bit shocked at how little their peers in college knew about how to handle their finances and how most of them had their parents paying and keeping track of the bills that needed paying.  I gave my boys lump sums of money to cover their tuition, rent and other living expenses.  We talked about how to manage that money and when bills needed to be paid either online or by sending checks.  They knew the money was limited and needed to be treated with respect.  It can be scary but these life lessons with money allow them to grow and you need to let them do that while you can be around to help them.   

Filling Out Forms
Whether it’s going to the doctor’s office and being handed a clipboard with forms to fill out or a permission slip to go on a field trip, your child needs to do all the filling in the spaces, all but one.  My boys knew that the only thing I’d be doing with forms once they hit about 5th grade was signing them.  All of this form filling out stuff flows into their college app process.  They need to own the process and set up all accounts and signups for things like the SATs and ACTs as well as submitting their forms to colleges.  I’m not saying you can’t coach and assist but they need to do the grunt work themselves.  It takes time and they need to know that if they want something, it’s worth the time invested.  If you’re doing all the filling out and submitting, you’re robbing them of owning the process and their lives.
 
Get a Job
One area more than any other that kids learn about responsibility and money at the same time is having them get a job.  It can be a part-time summer job at an ice cream place or summer camp, at a restaurant or a construction site or they could be a nanny for a family or a dog walker.  It could be year-round or just the summer.  The encouragement I want to give you all is for it to be something, anything!  It was always interesting to see how kids who became lifeguards had to learn about how to vie for schedules or trade slots to go on vacation.  They had to learn to deposit their checks and that they had to wait to get paid.  For my son at a restaurant, he learned about shared tips and how some workers worked harder than others.  Another kid was 18 and old enough to drive for DoorDash, He got to learn about how some folks are generous with tips and other people don’t give a dime.  They learn sooooo much that a school can never teach them.  For some kids it helps them solidify plans to go to college so they can get better paying jobs.  Not a bad outcome to say the least. 
 
Alarm Clocks/Keeping On Time
Your kids need to own their own time.  Let them have the natural consequences of disappointing or pissing off teachers, coaches or friends. Let it be their deal, not yours.  The more we continue to own their schedule and nag them to keep on time, the less they need to keep track.  Let your kid be late for soccer practice or to their violin lesson.  Let them forget to turn in a paper that you know is due.  The earlier you let them own their own time, the less painful the mistakes will be to correct.  Middle school is a much gentler place to learn lessons about time, don’t you think?  Again, no yelling or telling needed.  Just let them own it. 
 
Vacation Planning
If you are fortunate enough to be able to take a vacation as a family, allow your kids to do some planning and research.  By middle and high school, they are experts at roaming around on the internet, let them plan one day of your trip from the museums or sporting events to where to eat or stop to fill up your car.  Let them help pack the family car to get all that camping gear in. It’s hard work and takes practice especially when you’ve got lots of stuff.  If you’re taking an airline, have them help look up flights and input things like frequent flyer numbers and all the logistics with baggage and hotels.  Even if you’re just taking a hike locally, let them pick a new hiking location instead of you announcing where you’re hiking.  Share the load and let them learn!
 
Cars
If your teen drives or plans to drive you really need to seize the day.  If you have the opportunity and the financial means, please have your kids learn how to drive when they are in your home.  I’m in California and kids here can get a learners permit at 15 and ½ and can drive at 16 but have to have a learners permit and drive with a parent or an adult for 6 months.  However, once they turn 18 the 6 months of practicing with an adult drops away. If they get lucky with their behind-the-wheel test at that point they can pass without much practicing at all. 
 
In Silicon Valley, parents think they are doing their kids a favor by letting them focus on academics and not worry about driving.  However, here’s what happened to a friend’s son.  This dad allowed his son to only focus on academics.  He graduated from high school, spent one month learning to drive, took his test, passed and then flew to college and didn’t drive again until the next time he was home.  How good a driver do you think he was?  My gut says he was still too nervous to go on a freeway and he’ll be a nervous driver potentially for a long, long time.   I have to admit that teaching my boys to drive was nerve wracking and one of the hardest and scariest things I did as a parent, but it really helped give them time to grow and respect driving and the responsibility they had when behind the wheel.
 
In addition to training them to be a good driver, we need them to know about car insurance by having them help pay for their portion and car maintenance.  Washing and vacuuming a car is the first step and then moving on to things like changing the oil and knowing how to check tire pressure and when to do all those things.  Even if very few people these days actually change their own oil, we can at least have them go to an oil change service center to learn what that’s like.  Hey, it can help you out as well since after the first time you go together, they can do it for you.
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My Favorite Parenting Books!

5/10/2021

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Over the years I've found some really great parenting resources in books, yes.. old-fashioned books,  imagine that!  With all the technology we have invading our lives it's amazing how some things about parenting just haven't changed much.  Our kids still throw tantrums, if there are siblings, they still fight and, by golly, just about everyone struggles with getting their kids to do their chores on time or at all. 

Here's a partial list of books that I've found really helpful that some of you might enjoy.  Some are on audible if you'd rather listen!

Classic Love and Logic Books:  I started my parenting work using these two books which are amazing  resources for all parents.  The second one is meant for parents of teens which isn't my favorite book for parents of teens but it's pretty up there.
  • Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Jim Fay and Foster Cline
  • Parenting Teens with Love and Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood by Jim Fay and Foster Cline
Grit and Perseverance Books:  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these books.  I am constantly trying to find ways to help parents know how and when to push their kids so they'll succeed on their own with a supporting environment.  Both these books promote grit and perseverance without all the parental interference that mucks things up in our high pressure world.  
  • Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
  • Mindset - Updated Edition: Changing The Way You think To Fulfil Your Potential by Carol Dweck

Books for Parenting Teens and to Adulthood: Both these books are so helpful for getting ideas on how NOT to over parent your teen yet develop respectful and helpful relationships that will help them grow.  Both these authors happen to be from Silicon Valley. 
  • How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott Haims
  • The Grown-Up's Guide to Teenage Humans: How to Decode Their Behavior, Develop Trust and Raise a Respectable Adult by Josh Shipp
Got any books you love?  Please email ones you love so I can add to my list!
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Podcast 31: Sibling Competitions: How Everyone Can Win

4/22/2021

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN
​
Do you have kids who are always running to the car and saying: “I’m first!”?  Or maybe they argue over who mom or dad reads to first at night?  How about who gets to sit where at the dinner table?  Or who does dad pour the catsup on French fries first?  I know my boys would have a battle each time we got into an elevator over who gets to push the buttons.  It’s exhausting, isn’t it?  You might even say it “drains your energy” if you’re a Love and Logic parent. 

In this podcast I want to help you turn that constant bickering into an opportunity for modeling cooperation and fairness.  Ha!  There’s no way that can happen in your house, you say?  I challenge you to try a few of these tactics and get back to me and let me know if they worked for you and your family.  I’ll bet you one hour of free coaching if I’m not right, otherwise, you leave me a nice review on this podcast.  Deal?  Deal. 
 
First, determine a list of issues your kids are competing at.  Some of you can probably do this off the top of your head the issues are so obvious but, if you need to, observe them for a few days and take notes till you have at least 3-4 things to talk about.   Here is a list one parent sent me:
  • Who showers first
  • Who brushes their teeth first
  • Who sits on the couch first and where they get to sit
 
Next, hold a Family Meeting at a time when there are no competitions going on, maybe after dinner or just ask everyone to come into the Family Room for a few minutes.  There’s an entire podcast, #17 on how to run Family Meetings but here’s a brief review:
 
Step 1: Set the meeting – meaning the location and duration.  The meeting will be really short for young ones 4 and under, 3-5 minutes, but for older kids it could be 15-20 minutes.  Don’t make it too long!  In this case,  I’ll choose Sunday evening right after dinner.
 
Step 2: Start the meeting, list the issues
Have your list of competition challenges ready and ask for input of any others you might have missed.  For this Sunday’s meeting let’s say we just work one issue, which seats the family sit in at dinner table.  I have to chuckle, this sounds so simple, right?  But I know there are plenty of petty issues like this that your kids fight about, right?
 
Step 3: Brainstorm
Take one example at a time and think about new ways to solve the problem.  In our example of where to sit at the dinner table, have everyone come up with several ways to solve it.  It could be a rotation every night or you could choose seats for a week at a time.  You can talk about how to figure out who gets to choose first -- rock-paper-scissors or pulling numbers from a hat.  All options!  You could even throw in some silly ones like having a “no chair night” where you have a picnic on the floor once a week.  Be creative, it’s way more fun and engaging!
 
Step 4: Select Ideas
Once you’ve brainstormed lots of ideas, go through a process to select which ones you’re going to try first. Be sure to keep the list of full ideas since this is the START of the process of selecting just the first one to try.  In this step also make sure to decide how long the first trial will last – a day, a week, a month?  I’m guessing that most families will probably try something for about a week when they first attempt to do this.  In our example, let’s say we choose seats for one week at a time and choose by using numbers from a hat. 
 
Step 5: Experiment
Now comes the fun part, whatever method was chosen, try it out for the agreed upon duration.  In our case, the 4 of us pull numbers from a hat and we choose a seat for one whole week.  As the week progresses, take notes on what different people think. If your kids are able, have them make a poster to put in the kitchen with each person’s name and a box under it with that person’s current positive, negative or neutral feedback.  Feel free to use stickers or magnets so that people can change their minds throughout the week.
 
Step 6: Review & Revise
At this point you’re going to schedule a follow up Family Meeting where you formally review how your experiment worked.  If the feedback is great, great!  If it’s not, then you go back to the lists you came up with and see what other options you could try; you can even take in new feedback. 
 
As you can tell, the important theme here is that it’s an experiment, it’s not set in stone.  We often try something once and when it doesn’t work out, we give up.  We want to model for our kids that life is all about evolving experiments that should eventually lead to acceptable solutions all around but that it takes work.  You should model that the work is worth it!
 
In our chair example, let’s say Joe is happy but Michael isn’t.  Mom and dad are fine anywhere so they are neutral.  If someone isn’t happy, we’re going to look at the list.  What can we modify about how we pick for the next week that can make Michael happy next week and get Joe to be at least neutral?  Since Joe drew the best number from a hat last week, we decide that Michael will go first this week without choosing from a hat at all.  We also decided that since dad is responsible for getting refills that he’ll have a permanent seat that’s closest to the counter so now we just rotate through 3 seats.  I think you get the drift.  We’ll try this new setup for another week and then meet up again for more feedback and review.
 
Step 7: Celebrate!
When you’re able to make headway on issues celebrate!  Often in our busy lives we make progress and just keep bulldozing right on past a success.  Take time.  Make it fun!  You don’t have to do it every time but sometimes it is really great for building a family culture that is productive, caring and enjoyable to be in.  An ice cream party or trip to a fun place that everyone loves.  Do something to show it was worth it!
 
Just to give you a flavor for the process, I’m going to tell you about one brave family with two little girls who are 4 and 2.  The older one is really the competitive one and wants everything first but little sister at 2 isn’t going to just let big sister push her around.  Sound familiar? 

Dad is usually on duty in the mornings and those girls immediately start competing for dad’s attention – who gets their hair done first, who sits at the table first, who gets milk on their cereal first, you get the idea.  The same sort of things happened at bedtime with brushing teeth, taking a bath, reading books, you name it. 

​Well, dad sat them down one morning for a 3-minute Family Meeting cause they’re young, to brainstorm what they could do.  He proposed that one girl could go first in the morning and the other in the evening.  Would that work for them?  They then proceeded to pick which girl was the morning and which was the evening girl.  Excellent!  That morning went so smooth!  The older daughter was first so she was really happy and the younger one was fine with it.  Then came the evening and the older daughter wanted to be first at something.  It only took at bit of calm and loving reminding from dad as to what the agreement was and she was ok.  Yeah!  Progress.  This worked well for morning and evening for a week or more; however, they started competing so much for non-morning/evening issues that both mom and dad were at their wits end and felt like failures.  Oh my!
 
After some encouragement they decided to hold that next Family Meeting to expand the morning/evening choices to encompass an experiment where each girl would be first all day for everything and then they’d rotate the next day for the other girl to be first.  They were going to print out a calendar that the girls could color their days so they could always know who was first or second. 

How did Round 2 go?  Really well!  Round 1 seemed hopeful but they really did need Round 2 in ways they couldn’t have predicted without the Round 1 experiment.  This family recently had a Round 3 to figure out that they need to cross off the days on the calendar when they are done so that their younger daughter could visually see which day was which a little better.  Yeah! 
 
I hope and pray some of these ideas will help you tone down the competition level in your home.  It does take extra time and effort to set things up sometimes but it’s that extra effort than can make all the difference.
 
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Podcast 26: Lying, Cheating and Stealing - What to do?

2/9/2021

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

Many parents get very upset when we catch our children lying, stealing or cheating.  In this podcast I want to go over why kids might lie, what strategies we might use to address the lying and how age might influence our reactions. Lastly, I’ll talk about how to repair trust which has been broken and what consequences might be appropriate.
 
These situations are stressful for every parent and throw us into a vast array of emotions ranging from anger to disappointment and hopelessness depending on the age of the child and the frequency of the offenses.  This whole issue attacks our basic tenet of trust.  When a child lies, they break our trust.  When our kids are little it’s fairly easy to maneuver them in the right direction. As they age, the breaking of trust becomes more and more difficult to repair. 
 
When we act very authoritarian and harshly punish such behavior, it often has the opposite affect and winds up increasing the bad behavior. 
 
 
Why does lying bug us?
Honesty is critical to healthy relationships, having integrity and resolving problems.
Dishonesty can lead to heaps of trouble in the long run which nobody wants for their kids.
 
Why do kids lie?  What is it about lying that comes so easily into our kids’ lives?  In researching for this topic, I found that there seem to be categories for lying that can help us to put a child’s behavior into a better perspective.  
  1. Test out a new behavior – This is when they just want to see your reaction.  What will mom do when they steal the candy from the pantry?  I think of this for little kids mostly who are new to lying and its repercussions.  But could be a teen who is trying to test the boundaries in different ways to see if they get caught or not.  Taking a beer from the fridge or talking online with a stranger. 
  2. Enhance self-esteem and gain approval – I call this the Bragging Syndrome where an insecure kid tries to puff themselves up to impress others.  They tell their friends they’re the best at something or own something that others might want.  They want to fit in so they inflate themselves in ways they think will help them but often times it backfires and their self-esteem takes even more hits.
  3. For personal gain – This might be cheating on a test or taking money from someone’s wallet.   It could be shoplifting for items you can’t or aren’t allowed to have.  Maybe it’s setting up accounts on Instagram and Snap Chat that aren’t allowed.  You know what the most common lie I hear from parents for this category is these days?  Sneaking computer time and lying about it.
  4. To avoid punishment – let’s say your kid broke something, or colored a wall with markers, maybe pushed their annoying little sibling over.  They are afraid you’ll punish them so when we ask: “Who did this?” you get a: “Not me!”  Don’t be surprised.
    When I was about 9 or 10 I broke my mom’s hair dryer but I’m from such a big family that when all of us said: “Not me!” I was never found out.  I had no idea what the punishment would have been, I just knew I didn’t want it and isn’t it amazing that 50 years later I still remember the incident.  It was an accident, but it turned into something much more.
  5. To avoid doing something – When I asked parents in my Parenting Decoded FB group about lying examples I have to say, this is probably the most common.  Kids lie about brushing their teeth, washing their hands, finishing their homework, putting away their clothes, cleaning their room, turning in their homework, logging off the computer, taking out the trash.  They’d just rather not do any of those things, so they lie about it and say they did.
  6. Get the focus off themselves – Sometimes if a kid is depressed or not doing well, they will say things that we parents want to hear. 
    • Are you feeling ok today?
    • Did you take your medicine?
    • Did you finish your homework?
    • Did you get enough sleep?
    • How are you doing with your friends at school?

You can imagine the answers from a kid who is struggling in any of those areas. You later find out they said what you wanted to hear and are hurt and/or mad that they “lied” to you. 
  1. Speak before they think – with some kids who have ADHD they sometimes just blurt things out without a filter and without actually thinking about it and it comes out sounding like a lie.  If they took a few cycles to think, it would come out differently, but sometimes they don’t those cycles.
  2. Spare people’s feelings with white lies – This is a tough one since it requires taking into account other people’s feelings.   “I really like your new outfit”, “You’re really good at drawing.” “I love my present from you.”
 
 
Ok, now that we have a reference guide for different types of lies,

What do we do about them?
 
Well, in a blog from Child-Psych.org they elaborate on three main goals for parents when dealing with lying:
 
First, getting to the truth in a positive way, then figuring out how to make amends and, lastly, how to learn from the mistake of lying.
 
  • Know the truth and have kids share it – it’s really important that there is trust in the household.  If kids have a problem they are afraid to share about, they will be tempted to lie especially if they think there might be a harsh punishment coming.  Not having harsh punishments for telling the truth while they are young will help build trust so that as they get older, they’re more likely to share and not lie.  You want to try setting up rewards for honesty which in the case of lying is that there will be less of a consequence for telling the truth than hiding it.
    In the example of kids not washing their hands when they say they did and you know they didn’t, instead of putting them on the spot and calling them a liar, you can gently say something like, “Hmmm… it seems like I see some dirt still on your hands.  Can you please re-wash them for me?” Or they didn’t do their homework and you can see their unfinished work on the table, “Wow, this is so strange, is this the homework that was supposed to be turned in?  Did you want to tell me about it?  Is there something you need help with?  I won’t be mad if you tell me since in our family telling the truth is really an important value.”

    I’d recommend having a Family Meeting occasionally to talk about your family values and how honesty is promoted and protected.  You might even set up a family honor code and post it so everyone can be reminded of it.  The really important thing is that it’s discussed and debated by everyone in the family, not just an edict coming down from mom and dad.

  • Kids can make amends – if the child’s behavior affects someone or something then you need to encourage making amends.  If they’ve broken a window and lied about it, paying for a new window would be appropriate.  If they lied and it impacted someone like they hit their sister or ate all the cupcake toppings that were to be used for an upcoming party, they have to repair the damage.  I’m a firm believer than forcing a kid to say “Sorry” in a resentful, under the breath tone isn’t helpful at all.  It only creates embarrassment and resentment.  If sister was hurt, maybe doing some chores for her or letting her play with some of your toys might help repair ill-will created when the child hurt their sibling.  We want to teach our kids that apologies from the heart are effective.  It could be writing a letter, drawing a picture or baking cookies instead of a forced “I’m sorry.”

  • Kids learn from mistakes – let kids know that we all make mistakes.  Lying is just a mistake that we get to help figure out how not to do in the future.  We need to talk to them about how honesty will get us further in life than lying and cheating.  Brainstorm with them how to recover from making bad choices when they lie or cheat.  If they get caught cheating on an exam or copying someone else’s work, what can they learn?  Keep calm.  Find out what’s really going on instead of heading right into punishing.  Kids lie when they feel cornered, help them get out of the corner by spending time with empathy and love to figure out the root cause. 
 
Age based Ideas on Dealing with Lying
Now that we talked about the three goals, I want to go over how we might apply them at different ages. Parents.com wrote a useful age-based guide that I’ll go over briefly here and reference in my podcast notes. 
 
Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2-4)
Lots of little kids can’t even quite tell truth from lying so these years are critical for adults to set the stage that kids don’t need to rely on lying to solve problems.  Kids are going to experiment so you gently and diplomatically send a response back instead of “Did you eat the cookie?” which leads to an immediate tantrum or meltdown, try something like “Did somebody eat a cookie?  Those mustn’t be crumbs on your chin.”  No need to have consequences but I might pull out some books to read at bedtime that talk about lying. Once they hit about 4, they are more aware of the concept and might introduce a whopper or two.  One of my parents used a wonderful technique when her son lied by saying they were going for ice cream when they for sure weren’t.  After he announced it this wise mom said, “I know you wish that were true.  I love ice cream too.” Then she just kept moving on.  It’s common at this age that wishful thinking becomes statements that appear to be lies.  It’s great to treat them as wishful thinking in a kind and generous way.  
 
School Age (ages 5-8)
At this stage they tend to tell more lies to test what they can get away with.  For example, One 5-year-old was testing her new abilities so much that she was proudly telling her little brother she was a better liar than he was.  Too funny.  Mom and dad will have some fun dealing with that.  At this stage though most lies are easy to detect – they didn’t brush their teeth, didn’t do their reading, didn’t check over their spelling, watched more TV than allowed.  Talk openly and continue to read stories together.  Don’t forget to praise them when they are honest. Be careful at this stage that you’re modeling honesty yourself.  If you tell kids to pretend they are younger than they are to get a discount meal at a restaurant or a ticket at a theme park, you need to consider what message that is sending to your child’s growing sense of right and wrong?  I know lots of families do this, but at what cost?
 
Tweens (9-12)
I always consider these foundational years for cementing your relationship before teen mindset and independence sets in.  Kids at this stage are pretty savvy and have already a strong sense of right and wrong.  When they lie, they may have strong feelings of guilt.  Being available for conversations about honesty is super helpful.  Talk about how honesty impacts our lives.  When they mess up, brainstorm about it.  Have some special time with that child for a gentle discussion.  At this age you talk about things like “little while lies” and how to use them if they’re needed to protect people’s feelings.  Maybe brainstorm if there are ways to be thoughtful without using white lies to get by. 
 
I know lots of parents at this stage are hit by lies relating to computer use.  “Yes, I’m just studying with my friends.” While you can see they have a YouTube window open.  Or, “I need to use my computer for a project this evening.” And you find out they’re on Minecraft instead and they’ve hidden it from you.  Or, in more serious offenses, they’ve wandered all over the internet chatting with strangers and creating social media accounts that you can’t even begin to figure out where and how many there are. 
 
One thing I can say is for you to take a deep breath.  Trust is earned and you have to rollback things to allow your kids to regain your trust.  In the case of computer issues it might be that you move their electronics into a public place.  This online learning that we’re in right now has really messed everything up since we really want all electronics in public places anyway but right now it’s almost impossible to do that.  One mom was thinking about removing YouTube from the school laptop, but her son would miss out on studies.  Maybe it’s that they put YouTube only on the computer in the Family Room until they come up with a better way to know they can trust him to make better choices. 
 
Teens (13-18)
In this older stage we need to do that work to listen and modify.  If there’s a lot of lying at this stage it’s a call for help.  Your child doesn’t feel safe telling you things and you need to get the door open.  Have you been too punitive in the past?  Did you blow up when there’s a problem with lying or cheating?  If you’re behavior makes them want to take a step back from you, that’s the wrong direction.  Figure out ways they can trust you won’t blow up if they have something you’re not going to like hearing.  For some this is setting aside special time to brainstorm but for others you might need to involve a counselor to help negotiate things.
 
How do you encourage honesty?
  1. Let them know truth is easier and reduces consequences especially when planning ahead. 
    1. Say your kid has been drinking at a party.  They could lie about it but you want them to call to be picked up so you have to strike a balance and have an open dialogue ahead of time, so no lying is needed.
    2. If they don’t turn in an assignment, find out why.  Was it too hard?  Did they have too much homework?  Were they bored with the work?  Talk about what could be done about it.
    3. If they cheated and copied someone’s test or paper and got caught.  Talk to them about what was up with that.  Are they feeling too much pressure to perform?  Do they need assistance to catch up?  Again, are they overloaded? Bored? Tired? Bullied? Try to get to the bottom of the why instead of just punishing the deed.  Every time at this stage you’re able to get to the heart of what’s really going on its another avenue you’ve set up in being able to communicate with your teen.
  2. Let kids know we don’t expect perfection - Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you know matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So, I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.
  3. Don’t label your kid a liar, it’s the behavior, not the kid.  Don’t set up your child for feeling bad about themselves that we wind up setting up a pattern of lying, as if we expect them to lie since they’ve been labeled a liar.
  4. Don’t corner your child – if you already know they lied and put them on the spot.  If you know they didn’t do their homework just say it.  “I know you didn’t do it.  Let’s talk about why that’s not a good idea and what to do about it.”
 
 
Ideas for Repairing Trust
For those of you who know Love and Logic techniques one thing to integrate into the repair of trust can be Energy Drain.  It really is an Energy Drain when you’re lied to.  You can use this with empathy and love to allow them to fill back up your energy by doing acts of service or chores around the house.  Maybe they’ll clean out the garage or scrub those garbage cans that go to the street.  One of my boys cleaned the gutters when he broke our trust.  He was a great kid and just happened to make a poor choice.  He was glad to do that chore to fill back up our energy that he had drained and get himself right with us again.  If you want more examples take a listen Episode 10 on  Consequences. 
 
I want to finish up telling you a story about Cheese Pizza.  It’s from Natasha at Reading Is Better Than Chocolate.  She was raised in an authoritarian household.  They were to do as they were told, no questions, no arguments.  Mistakes were punished harshly and lies were included in that.  Her response?  She just weighed up the odds of getting caught and lied at every turn.  Yikes.  Now that she’s a mom she needed to come up with a vastly better plan especially since she had made lots of poor choices by the time she was an early adult.  

Her idea as a mom was to cultivate a program of trust and love from the get-go.  She and her son developed a code word that they agreed upon ahead of time. Whenever her son said the code word it would create a magic spell where mom would have to listen calmly and NOT lose it.  They had fun choosing a word together.  They settled on CHEESE PIZZA.  Well, they posted that word in their kitchen on the fridge so everyone could see it with some simple rules that when the word was said that mom would take a deep breath, count to five and then not lose it.  In only 3 days her son came home from school and said CHEESE PIZZA!  Mom took her breath, counted to five and they sat down.  He had torn his new trousers at school.  He was able to tell his mom that he was happily playing on the playground when it happened.  She gave him a squeeze and thanked him for being truthful. 
 
She’s hoping that setting this up when he’s young they’ll have lots of practice so if the issues get bigger than holes in knees they’ll have something to use to help them through.  This story doesn’t say to let your kids get away with not helping to pay for new pants, which I think you should brainstorm how that happens, but it’s about getting to the heart of your child so that they feel you’re on their side and they’re safe to tell you even hard things.  Life will get hard and how we respond is going to impact how and when our kids are willing to come to us.  Make your own plans for CHEESE PIZZA in your house. 
 
Natasha has a wonderful list of books in her article that you can use to talk to your kids about lying and I’ll put the link in my podcast along with another article about books and honesty from ChildrensLitLove.com.  Books can be so helpful as jumping off points for discussions with our kids especially when they’re younger.  One book parents of teens and tweens can certainly learn from is “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk”.  Communication is key to maintaining a loving relationship that will last a lifetime!
 
I hope these ideas on how to handle lies and lying in your house are helpful.  Please share this with other families.  If you’d like a transcript of this or any of my podcasts, they are always attached to my episode notes and on my website. Feel free to email questions to mary@parentingdecoded.com or join my Facebook Group for more chatter on parenting topics.

​Resources Mentioned:
  • How to Handle Your Child’s Dishonesty by Child-Psych.org
  • Why Kids Lie from ChildMind.org by ChildMind.org
  • Cheese Pizza Idea from Natasha at ReadingIsBetterThanChocolate.com
  • Lying Guide By Age from Parents.com
  • Honor Code Ideas by ReadBrightly.com
  • Favorite Picture Books on Honesty from ChildrensLitLove.com
  • How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish

 
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Podcast 23: Gift Giving With a Glad Heart

12/3/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​​

Holidays and gift giving can bring about so much stress to families who are sucked into the commercialism of our current situation.  In this podcast I want to give you all some hints about making gift giving a more heartfelt experience not only from you as the giver but also how to create an attitude of gratitude in our kids who are receiving those gifts.  I’ll also go over some ideas about how to handle sibling-to-sibling giving as well as extended family situations which can easily get messy.  I’m recording this in the holiday season, but it really applies to gifting at birthdays, graduations or any other type of event. 

As I was researching, several articles offered a concept that I really thought could make gift-giving much simpler and less commercial.   It’s called the “Four Gift Tradition” where just four gifts are exchanged from parents to kids: something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read. Isn’t that sweet?  It sets an expectation of getting gifts but a clear limit on how many and that there are different categories, not just one category of “something you want” as happens in many families. 

I also came across a fabulous article by Kelly at Happy You, Happy Family™ called “The Most Meaningful Gifts for Kids Who Have Everything”.  I’m going to go over a few of her wonderful ideas but I want to encourage you all to read the full article that I’ll post in my show notes from www.happyyouhappyfamily.com.

First, you want to keep in mind that kids who already have all their needs met, they get bored with new stuff quickly.  Those toys we spent so much time, energy and money picking out frequently just move to the back of the closet within a month.  It’s so frustrating.  We feel our kids are so ungrateful or spoiled, right?  I remember buying the Star Wars BB-8 remote controlled robot and, after the first week, it just sat there.  Ugh!  What was I doing wrong?  It sure felt like I was wasting my money.  How could I improve my gift giving?

Kelly says, research shows that after a while the human brain gets used to new things. It adapts so much that the new things become not new pretty quickly.  Oh dear.  How do we counter that?  This is the part I love about Kelly’s article, it focuses on giving gifts that create memories and experiences!  We all might have tried a few art kits or construction kits over the years like I did when my boys were growing up, but I never really focused on gifts for creating memories and experiences, but I really should have. 

I’m going to run through some of the ideas from her article, see what resonates with you.  There are way more in the whole article, but I want to help get some ideas flowing.

The first fun one is Monthly Boxes of Fun.  There are lots of companies that offer some cool and creative kits to come once a month. You can select based on age and interests.  A few Kelly mentions are:
  • Kiwi Crate – really creative craft and building kits by age and topic
  • Little Passports – where a fictional penpal sends letters once a month from around the world and your child can track on a map where the penpal is that month
  • KidArtLit  - sends a hardcover picture book combined with art supplies for a family project that is related to the book
Cool!  Fun!

The next category is Conversation and Everyday Kits. The ideas are pretty simple and not expensive but involve some setup to get them to gift-wrapping stage.
  • Create a conversation kit you can have at the family dinner table every night.  Your kids can have fun pulling conversation ideas out of a mason jar or bowl.  Kelly sells printable cards, but you can also find other sets of cards to print yourself or make up your own to put in a decorated jar, box or bowl.  
  • Create a family playlist of favorite songs or dance songs or whatever category you choose.  If you have kids who are old enough, have your kids create playlists for each other or for a particular event coming up.  You can print the list out and put it in an envelope so there’s something to open.
  • Set up a journal for you and your child.  Pass it back and forth, writing notes and thoughts to each other each day or each week.
  • Write letters.  This one can create really wonderful memories and is one of my favorites.  Instead of shopping for gifts, take that hour and sit down to write a letter of gratitude and love for family members.  I’m talking paragraphs, not a simple card that just says, “Love you so much, Mom.”  Making time to slow down and really formulate loving thoughts about each other is such a precious gift. You can put them in envelopes in stockings or under the tree.  Easy.
 
When it comes to giving gifts that create memories besides writing letters, I think the winner is Activities with Time since these can build memories in ways that “stuff” can’t.  There are a few different ways to “gift” time, some are done inside the home, others outside. 

Family At-Home Time
These can be fun kits you put together that revolve around doing things at your home.
  • Movie Night in a Box – full of themed candy, popcorn and stuff to go with the movie
  • Game Night – pick a new game where you can all play with no electronics that you print invitations out for and include plenty of snacks and treats to eat while you play
  • Puzzles – my favorite!  Get a new puzzle or borrow someone’s where you just enjoy being together as you figure out where the pieces go
  • Garden Kit – wrap up a whole kit with things to grow, dirt and tools so you can plant together.  Pick out flower bulbs or plants or veggies that your kids love to watch grow. 
  • Fun Times coupon book– this one would be a booklet with things like “a pillow fight”, “staying up 30 minutes later”, “pick what’s for dinner” or “taking a mental health day from school”.
  • Teaching dates – if you have a special skill like wood working, knitting, baking, welding, painting, sewing, glass blowing, that your child is eying to do with you.  Set up a coupon for teaching them that skill.
Family Time with Places and Events Outside the Home
Many of us take our kids to events but we forget to make them special or seem like gifts.  Make a family event special by having a special announcement of it in a card or letter.  Let your kids open it to reveal what it is.  Here are some ideas that are in this category, some of them have to be done after COVID but I have to say that there are some cool virtual events to be had these days so search around the internet.
  • Take them to play
  • Take them to a movie or arrange to see the new releases that are being streamed as they come out
  • Watch a sporting event or other event together
  • Enroll in a class - take a class together where you both learn something new that you both want to learn 
  • Take a tour
  • Take a hike or do a scavenger hunt
  • Go on a camping trip
  • Give a gift of membership to their favorite museum
  • Set up a Splash Day or Mud Day – plan an event with invitations where the whole family can get soaking wet running through puddles, sit in the mud and make mud pies.  I’m talking really wet, dirty and something your family doesn’t normally do, not the everyday type play your kids might do on their own.  Something like a “cover dad in mud” challenge.
 
If you choose any of these “Activities with Time”, I’d encourage you to make sure you take plenty of photos so that you can cement the memories via an album or a screensaver in a place where everyone can see them.
I could go on and on, Kelly has a HUGE list of more ideas still.  Those are just to whet your appetite.
 
 
Don’t Forget Mom and Dad
I do want to move along and cover the other side of this gift giving experience. What about you?   I know I tend to think of myself last even though I spend hours thinking about what the rest of my family might need or want.  Some years were a little awkward when my family all got a load of gifts and there were a meager set for mom.  It made me ask myself, whose fault is that?  I was teaching them about taking but not about giving.  I had to up my own game and let them know that I was worth thinking about gifts for.  I decided I needed to tell them so that I could model for them what they should be doing at gift giving events like birthdays and holidays.  Our kids aren’t born knowing this stuff, so we need to communicate with them. 

When my boys got to high school and college, a time in their lives when they might be busy doing lots of other things with friends rather than with family, I went bold and put only two things on my Christmas list:
  1. A CD of some new Christmas music
  2. Time, opened ended to do what I wanted with them
What a joy and what great memories I was able to create with my Gift of Time presents.  One year I got to take a high school boy to a parenting lecture on sleep by a scientist and sleep expert.  There’s no way I could have given him an hour lecture on sleep but he gladly came with me and learned a lot.  He even asked a question from the audience of about 200 people.  Was that really a gift, you might ask?  Well, to me it was!

Another memory from my Gift of Time was going to Disneyland with just one son while he was in college in LA.  Yes, I had to fly to get there but it was worth it.  It poured but we slugged it out, buying cheap Mickey ponchos and wringing out our socks we were so drenched.   He took an entire day to be with just me.  It was so precious. 

What can you ask your family for?  What fun activity do YOU want to do with them?  That they can create a coupon for you?  Maybe a hike with no whining?  A trip to the beach?  Maybe they create a Christmas playlist on Pandora or Spotify for you?  Be creative!  Ask for experiences, acts of service or my favorite, a letter to you about the wonderful things they loved about you this past year.  If they can’t write yet, have them draw you and the family. 

However, I have to say you really, really need to model parent giving for your kids. While they are young, they need to be helped and encouraged in selecting gifts for parents.  What I mean is where dad helps them select presents for mom and mom helps them select presents for dad.  One young dad has had his young sons help him select a nice bracelet on Amazon after taking his boys looking at a shopping mall. 

Whatever you do, don’t just buy presents for your spouse, or any member of your family for that matter, and say that they’re from your kids, have them participate.  If writing a letter, making coupons or drawing pictures is what they decide to do, make sure they’re done and wrapped and ready for gift-giving time.  Model the love of giving!
 
Sibling Gifts
Now let’s move on to another gift giving topic.  Gifts for Siblings.  Our kids are trained to expect items from parents but what about getting gifts from siblings?  When and how do we encourage this?  I’d say at about 5 years old and beyond is a good time to help your kids figure out how to give gifts to each other.  You might give them the money to do this, but I would certainly give them a budget if you take that route.  If you happen to be following the money recommendations from my podcast on Money, they could use money from their Spend-Save-Share jar or, if they’re older, from their allowance. The most appropriate category would be to use the “Spend” part of their money since “Share”’s intension is to share outside the home but, do what you have to do. 

Have your kids agree on a spending limit or a type of gift like board games, books, or only handmade gifts so they are in the same ballpark.  Sometimes one child is overly generous, and another stingier child can take advantage of them, so a target limit is probably best. 
 
Grandparents and Extended Family Giving TO Your Kids
Next up is certainly a challenge for some families, gift exchanges with grandparents and extended families.  When you have young children, I think it’s best if you give clear gift giving guidelines for grandparents, aunts and uncles and other special family friends.  Set a dollar, quantity or size limit but try as hard as you can to be up front about what is reasonable. 

You all know I love Family Meetings.  I would actually gather those extended family members in person or on Zoom to discuss what’s reasonable.  If they are part of the decision making, then you might have more success in getting compliance than trying to say what you want and having it ignored.  Relatives ignoring our pleas for present limits is the most common problem I’ve heard, so try a Family Meeting to see if it helps.

Whether you talk about it in a Family Meeting or not, I would also encourage relatives to give experiences instead of physical gifts, something to look forward to in the future.  As kids get to be tweens and teens lots of families start in on the gift-card-exchange bandwagon because it’s easy and it’s something, but a special lunch with grandma could be more meaningful.  If grandma lives far away, get creative and have a Zoom lunch where grandma picks the menu and sends it ahead of time for them to eat together.  One of our family friends took our boys to Petroglyphs every year to paint a Christmas plate.  It was so special. 

If you have a difficult time with relatives who give an overwhelming number of gifts and they are NOT present at the holiday, then I’d encourage you to spread the gift opening out over time so that your kids aren’t overwhelmed and wind up ignoring the thoughtfulness of those who kindly shopped for them.

Large Families and Groups
The last category I wanted to touch on is large family groups and ideas about what to do.  I’m from a very large family and money was always tight which made gifts such a challenge.  However, I know lots of other people with extended families they feel they have to not only buy presents for everyone in the group but have to compete to give more expensive gifts than they can afford.  Here are some ideas for those of you in similar situations.  My first idea is to encourage moving everyone to pulling names from a hat and having a spending limit set.

As my family grew, we started out with pulling names but moved on to that Gift Exchange where we all brought the same dollar value gift and picked numbers to open gifts and could choose to steal from others or open a new gift.  Other families do White Elephant where you all bring something you have that you’re not using anymore and wrap it up and do the same number picking. 

When my siblings and I all started having kids, we all agreed that there wouldn’t be any sibling gifts, just gifts for the nieces and nephews.  Later, even the nieces and nephews drew names so there weren’t so many gifts.  Lastly, my siblings and I all decided we would save our money and go out to dinner or an event as a group later on the next year.  We were able to have some really fun experiences in the name of Christmas months after Christmas was over. 

The point of all of this is to bring some fun and creativity into the gift giving, to create memories of joy instead of a drudge of buying for 10 or 20 or 30 people presents they probably don’t really need or, sometimes, even want.
 
Fun Theme Holiday Giving
The last category I wanted to mention whether you use it for your immediate family or extended family is setting up a “theme” for your holiday where everyone participating uses that theme for giving.  You can do any of these with the Gift Exchange Swap I just mentioned. 

Here’s a quick list:
  • Board games
  • Books
  • DIY gifts – handmade by YOU
  • Event tickets
  • Gift cards/certificates
  • Handmade items – bought locally or online
  • Local products only
  • Movies and/or movie-themed gifts
  • Personalized items
  • Puzzles
  • Specialty food
  • Ugly Christmas sweaters
  • Wine and wine-themed gifts
  • Made in the USA
  • Anything blue (or whatever color you choose)​
Any of these ideas could make for some good laughs and memories. 

Say THANKS
Whatever happens with your family and gift giving make sure that if you or your child receive gifts that you all write letters of thanks to go with them.  These days even though an email of thanks is getting more acceptable, I still favor old-fashioned, hand-written notes.  It’s your job as a parent to model thanks as well as giving. 
​
I hope and pray some of these ideas will allow you to make any season of giving and receiving less stressful and more heartfelt.  It does take extra time and effort to set things up sometimes but it’s that extra effort than can make all the difference.
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Podcast 22: Gratitude vs. Entitlement

11/19/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​​

With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching we often drift to evaluate our parenting and ask ourselves if we’re raising children who are thankful.  Are we? 
 
Kids are self-centered from the get-go, no doubt about it. We have to teach them to be grateful for all that they have, all that we give them.  But, how on earth do we do that when there's so much taking and so little giving going on around us?  

First, I want to talk about entitlement – what it is and how it can grow out of control.  Then I’ll go over ideas on how to nurture an attitude of gratitude in your home.
 
Entitlement begins when we forget that our extracurricular activities and things that we have are privileges, not expectations. 
 
Simply put, it means that a person expects to be handed everything in life without having to work for it. They expect to treated better, they expect to have the best things and they expect others to provide it for them, because for one reason or another, they unrealistically think they deserve it.
 
Typically, we think of entitled children who are living on their parents’ couch in their 20’s, the ones who never get a job and won’t move out.  Right? They have all the internet they can possibly use, free food in the fridge and parents that cook and clean for them so there’s no need move out when there are only crummy jobs available anyway. 
 
That certainly sounds like an entitled child but, hey, what about if you have a younger child, maybe even a toddler.  What might that entitled child look like?  Hmmm….
In her book,  The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic, Amy McCready describes a younger child that needs everything her way, can only see her own needs, and doesn’t take ownership over her needs and wants. We always want to believe that’s not our kid.  In her book you come to realize that entitlement comes in the form of time and attention we give it’s not just materialistic things. You see, our kids demand our attention. They need us. They want us. They will do anything in their power to keep our attention and not allow us any time to ourselves.  Ouch… we might be making entitled kids after all even from an early age.  Let’s talk about a few ways to recognize entitlement in our homes.  I’m going to go over examples of 5 areas to look at:
  1. Giving instant gratification
  2. Rewards are expected­
  3. Boundaries are not respected
  4. Life is supposed to be “Fair”
  5. Providing constant entertainment

ENTITLEMENT AREAS
Let’s go into more detail on each of these areas of concern.
  1. Giving instant gratification
    • Every time our kids want something and we give it to them they come to expect whatever it is – a toy, a sandwich, picking them up, waking them up in the morning, picking up their clothes, giving them your phone while at a restaurant, tying their shoes, When our kids are shopping and they see a toy and have to have it NOW and we give in, that turns into entitlement.  They come to expect it.  Our whole society is becoming dominated by getting everything now, now, now.
  2. Rewards are expected­
    • Giving money for chores and paying for good grades can easily fall into this category but so is going out for ice cream after your child has behaved nicely at grandmas or the doctor or wherever.  When our kids EXPECT to get rewarded, it’s not a reward and will lead to a child feeling entitled to that “reward”.  To see if you have an entitled child run this experiment, try withholding the reward and see what their reaction is.
  3. Boundaries are not respected
    • Lots of parents try to set boundaries but then their kids ignore them.  Why should they have to go to sleep at a certain hour or get off electronics?  Mom and dad always say that I should get off, but they never make me so why should I believe them when I really want to play more.  The expectation is that mom and dad can be ignored.
    • I don’t feel like sitting in my chair during dinner so I’m going to get up and play.  Mom always runs after me with food, so I’ll never starve.  I hate vegetables anyway. 
    • You can tell if this is a problem area for you by asking yourself, “Who’s running this show?”
  4. Life is supposed to be “Fair”
    • Our kids get the impression that just because their friend got a new set of boots or maybe a new iPhone, doll, Lego set, whatever, that they should too.  “It’s not fair!” is declared in many homes.  Entitled kids think that life’s supposed to always be fair.  My friend was telling me how her 7th grader was complaining that his best friend just got a brand-new iPhone, but he not only got an older and cheaper model phone he also had to pay for half of it.  It’s not fair is what he told his mom.   Mom is practicing empathy and going braindead with: “I know…” and “That’s so sad…”
  5. Providing constant entertainment
    • We program our kids to think they should be entertained 24/7, that mom and dad should make sure there are things to do for them all the time.  It could be sports, music or art lessons, playing in the park, playing Legos at home, playdates with friends or, heaven forbid, playing with electronics.  If there is a pause or silence, the void is expected to be filled by the parents.
 
In a society so concerned with building self-esteem, we often get it completely backwards and it backfires into entitlement. You don’t build self-esteem by praise and flattery. This actually breeds entitlement and selfishness. Instead, self-esteem is built by teaching responsibility and a sense of accomplishment and gratitude can grow from there.

WHAT TO DO
So, what’s a parent to do?  How can we raise grateful kids? 
If you want to raise grateful kids in an entitled world, you have to make sure you’re modeling a heart of gratitude.  I’m going to go over a long list of ideas, pick a few different that resonate with you now then expand the list over time!
 
MODEL IT
  1. Stop complaining.  Yep, this one is about you.  Our kids watch us like hawks from a very early age.  If every time something goes wrong in our lives, we complain about it, they will learn to complain as well.  Most of us don’t even realize that our complaining is an example of entitlement. Whether you’re complaining about traffic, the weather, a crummy boss or not being able to go on vacation, cut back your complaining.
  2. Reframe things in a positive way and give empathy that life’s not fair
    • When we do have disappointments, which will happen every day, show your kids how we can reframe them in the positive.
    • It’s a rainy day and we can’t play outside.  How disappointing.  Maybe we can make some hot chocolate and play a game.
    • Gosh, there’s so much traffic out here, it sure can be frustrating.   Maybe we can play a spelling game as we drive. 
    • I’m sorry your red shirt is in the washer.  It’s so fortunate you have so many other shirts to choose from.
    • Kelly got a new iPhone for her birthday?  Technology sure does change fast!  It sure would be fun to have all the latest and greatest gadgets but that’s not the way our family operates. 
    • Billy got a better grade than you did on the last test.  That sure is tough.  What can you do next time to do better? I love how you are getting smarter every year.  It sure is a challenge!
  3. Teach delayed gratification
    • It’s fine to address your child’s urgent needs like going to the bathroom or eating a meal.  However, when it comes to things they “want”, delay it.
    • Encourage your kids to have a “want” list going in your house.  Allow them to use their money to buy their own toys, the kind where they have to save up and remember to bring their money to the store in order to buy that precious toy.  Listen to my Money podcast to see how to set up how kids can earn money for their own rewards. 
  4. Teach the value of hard work and chores
    • By allowing our kids to help in chores they are more likely to appreciate efforts of others who are doing chores for them. 
    • Have your kids start chores at an early age so that they gain a respectful understanding that life consists of hard work and work that’s not always all that exciting.  My kids used to fold socks and set the table from an early age.  Starting early is easiest but if your kids are older and you haven’t given them any yet, start something.  Laundry is my favorite chore to give kids since it only affects them.  Check out my Chores podcast for more ideas.
  5. Set healthy boundaries and say NO
    • Our kids need to have healthy boundaries and know that when we say NO, we mean NO.  Lots of kids are always whining and pushing on us to get us to do things because they know if they push long and hard enough that sometimes they’ll give in.  It actually gives them peace of mind to know what the rules and limits are as long as we set loving rules and limits.  In my Family Meetings podcast I talk about how to set Family Rules in a loving and team-like manner.  One rule I love is when families let kids know that when they get up from the dinner table it signals that they are done with dinner.  Their plates are quickly cleared to demonstrate the rule even if the child hasn’t eaten much.  They’re welcome to have carrots but dinner is done. 
  6. Teach your kids about money
    Teaching your kids about money can help keep the “entitlement syndrome” at bay rather than feeling like everything should be handed to your kids.  Listen to my podcast about Money and learn all sorts of tips for getting gratitude into your kids’ lives through saving and giving in addition to spending. 
  7. Do a charity project.  You can do something as simple as helping out a neighbor. It doesn't have to be large but as your kids grow the projects you choose can grow too.  For years my family made bag lunches for the homeless and wrapped gifts at Family Giving Tree. Yes, I had to set it up and I’d try to gather other families with kids the same ages but, we did it.  We did it regularly.   A friend was telling me how his family of 5 boys always went out with their church to clean up a highway with Adopt-a-Highway once a month.  If you’re family loves the beach, do a beach cleanup either with or without an organized group. 
  8. Expand your family’s cultural experiences.  Encourage relationships and exposure to other cultures, lifestyles and economic levels.  When my son was in high school, I insisted we go build houses with our church in places of extreme poverty in Mexico.  My other son and I went to a remote village in Guatemala and helped with a medical mission.  But no one needs to go across any borders to expose their families to something that’s different.  Most of us can go just across town.  Find ways to explore.  Go to cultural festivals.  Learn about different religions or ethnicities or points of view.
  9. Practice acts of kindness together to teach empathy. We have two kids in our neighborhood who walk the dogs of an elderly couple who can’t walk them as much as they used to.  I fix soup for my elderly neighbor and pick up her paper when she’s not feeling well.  I gather the young families at my church together to pick up trash in local parks a few times a year.  Kids love to help and help with joy when we’re all together modeling the joy of giving back.
  10. Use gratitude in your daily conversations.   Some families have each person keep a gratitude journal and write three things a day in it.  I did this with my youngest and it was helpful in resetting his frame of mind.  It wasn’t a quick fix though, it needed to be modeled for a long time.  Other families go around the dinner table on Sunday nights and take turns saying things they are grateful for.  Still other families do that every night at bedtime.  It’s up to you.  Set it up. Do it.
  11. Don’t give rewards all the time.  This is super important.  Rewards are fine as long as they aren’t expected.  Your expectations for a standard for behavior should be high and every once in a while, it’s fine to go out for ice cream to celebrate some event but not every time. If your child ever starts expecting a reward it means that you’ve gone overboard as a parent and might need to dial it back. 
  12. Limit gifts – When kids expect to have all the latest toys and gadgets each holiday or birthday, we’re creating entitled kids.  I will talk more in my next podcast about gift-giving, but I want to mention one family who put really great rules around their gifts to entitle-proof their family.  Each family member gets four things for the holidays: something to wear, something to read, something they want and something they need. So simple!  I love it. 
  13. Donate!  Be generous!  Have your kids donate their old clothes and toys they grow out of.  It's easier for us to pack them up and ship them out but resist the urge, have them participate.  I love how some families before birthday or holidays make room for new things by clearing out things no longer used.  One family I know has a family rule where for every toy that comes in the house, one goes out.  That would be tough for me to do but I love that family’s commitment to not allowing our materialistic society get the better of their kids. 
  14. Write Thank You notes. Every child should write personal Thank Yous for gifts and experiences.  If grandma and grandpa took them to the zoo, have them write a thank you.  I even taught my boys to make the cards and over time learned to address and stamp them too. 
 

I love this list that Mandy posted on her blog called Motherhood Maniac that I think helps get us into a mindset of gratitude:
 
What every child needs to know
  • Money doesn’t grow on trees.
  • If you want money, you work for it.
  • You may have to save up for big-ticket items.
  • Everything in life is earned, money, power and respect.
  • There are people who have it worse than them. 
  • Responsibility starts with them.
  • You aren’t going to always be there to bail them out.
  • Life is not fair.
I just love how that list sounds.  If we are able to accomplish those things, our kids will be in good shape and be able to have an Attitude of Gratitude. 

If you’d like some practical ideas about gratitude activities you can do with your family head to my Parenting Decoded Pinterest board on Gratitude.  I’ll put a link to it in the show notes as well as a link to a list of picture books to read with younger kids on thankfulness and gratitude. 
PINTEREST BOARD ON GRATITUDE

20 FAVORITE THANKSGIVING BOOKS

Final thoughts: Practice patience.  Gratitude takes years of practice so we as parents need to practice patience and keep modeling for them.  Do it over and over in lots of different ways.  It will make a lifetime of difference. 
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Podcast 21: To Quit or Not to Quit

10/25/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​​

It seems that many parents have to cross the threshold of their child wanting to quit an activity.  It could be piano, basketball, soccer, violin, clarinet, tutoring, gymnastics, karate, whatever.  Sometimes it's just private lessons that only impact your child.  Other times, quitting impacts a whole a team which adds a dimension of guilt either by your child or maybe you especially if you’re the coach and your child no longer wants to play. In this podcast we’re going to talk about things to consider when running up against this issue in your own home then we will go over some real-life situations to make all a little more real.

I just want to start out saying that the reason this is so tough is because there IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.  Yep, you really have to take lots of things into consideration, it's not a one-stop-shop.  David Elkind, author of The Hurried Child has some helpful ideas for parents who are dealing with children who they think might be wanting to quit an activity. 
  1. Children under the age of nine don’t have a clear sense of what they want.  We should let them keep testing out different interests.  Don’t get too resistant to your child is wanting to move on, be there to help them figure out how to try other activities instead.  When my boys were little there were some soccer games where some kids picked more daisies in the field than ran, however, it didn’t mean they were terrible kids, they just plain weren’t interested.  One kid moved on to piano where he was amazing and he still plays to this day more than 15 years later.

  2. Dr. Elkind agrees that just because a child wants to quit one thing doesn’t typically mean they want to quit everything all the time. Don’t panic when your child wants to quit something. 

  3. We can’t really force our kids to love something they truly don’t.  Trying to force kids to do an activity they truly hate can make them develop anxiety and make them even more reluctant to try other activities in the long run so be careful of pushing too hard.  When kids are embarrassed at their lack of performance in front of others their anxiety can easily snowball to many other areas of their life.

  4. You need to involve your kids in the decision-making process but also bear in mind that kids tend to want to do EVERYTHING.  Don’t let your kid’s enthusiasm in the moment allow you to overcommit them only to have to back out later.  Karate or a new soccer team might sound so fun to do with friends but when you already have basketball and gymnastics with other friends it might be a bit much even if they promise to keep up with their schoolwork, chores and other activities.  Keep in mind what’s a reasonable amount of activities for your child.  Maybe 3 sports and after school Kumon for math tutoring and violin is too much.  I know this sounds like a lot, but in Silicon Valley with our high-pressure environment, it’s not unheard of.  

  5. With older kids, negotiate how long a period they will try a new activity before giving up.  It does take time to master skills so don’t let them give up too early just because things get hard. Brainstorm with them to see if there are other issues involved or other ways you can help them over the hard parts.  One family negotiated up front that their son would play an entire season of soccer but he could quit soccer if he didn’t like it after the season was finished.  This worked out well since mom was one of the coaches. 

  6. You do want to check in to see if kids want to quit because they are over scheduled, fatigued, or bored with an activity they’ve been doing too long or if they simply need more time to relax and regroup.  One family who poured in years of hard work on the baseball field was shocked when their son gave it all up in his senior year of high school to pursue golf.  That was a hard pill to swallow but he did move on to another sport, he didn’t stop moving.   I do want to point out that in today’s world we have to be aware if our kids want to quit something just to stay home to play video games.  Allow them to choose wisely what they do with their newfound extra time if you know what I mean.
 
I know you all like it when I make my podcasts more real so I’m going to tell you a few things about my journey with quitting as a parent. It wasn’t always easy and whining is never fun but things can turn out fine in the long run.  Here are some things I thought about when my  boys wanted to quit piano in early elementary school.
  • How miserable is your child and your family with the whining and complaining?
    • Yes, I'm being totally honest.  This was a hot button for me.  Every week we had to nudge and cajole our kids to practice before the next lesson.  My one son loved his instructor but never wanted to practice.  It's good not to give up too quickly since sometimes a child struggles when things get harder and they really can push through and get to a better place.  However, sometimes it is a true lack of interest, talent or there are other competing issues.  With my younger son after a year of whining we agreed to switch teachers to someone more “fun” with “fun” music selections.  After another year that pretty much went through the same pattern.  We had had enough.  We agreed we were done.  Some families do things like we did where you switch instructors, use rewards, modify schedules for breaks or practice and you really should try lots of those things.  I tried many of those things but they didn't last long.  Don't give up just because I did on piano, but think about it.  

  • Who chose the activity in the first place?
    • In my case, it was me who really wanted the piano lessons, something I never got as a kid.   My boys were ok signing up for lessons when we started, they were even excited.  But, I shouldn’t have been surprised if they didn’t like it yet I am really glad I had them try it.

  • Is there a natural stopping point to exit gracefully?
    • In sports there is often a team that your child will be disappointing if they quit mid-season.  In our case with piano, we didn't have a team, just our son.  We figured out a good time to quit and just quietly ended the lessons.  Later on, in high school, our son wanted to quit band in the middle of a season.  Ouch.  That was a tough one.  After meeting with the director and discussing things with lots of emotion and anguish, we agreed that, although it was a hard decision for him to make, one that had lots of consequences, he could live with it.  Having loving people around you when decisions that are hard is what being a good parent is all about, that was the role my husband and I played.  EMPATHY is the best tool at times like these.  

  • When one ends, choose another
    • I love it when a family agrees to end one activity and as part of the brainstorming they allow and/or help the child pick a new activity to try.  Be careful not to let your child give up activities only to replace them with electronics or other sedentary activities like I said before.  In my house the boys got to choose their activities but they had to choose something, not nothing (aka electronics).  

I use my piano story here but want to let you know that it wasn't my only parenting journey into lessons that involved quitting or moving on.  I had a star soccer player who, after investing in goalie lessons in addition to club teams and such, decided he wanted to play basketball.  No problem, we moved on to basketball school teams and club teams in addition to shooting lessons.  It worked!  He was great!  But then he went off to college and he got totally hooked on rock climbing and never picked up a basketball.  What's the theme?  He's active and athletic.  Yeah!  He does play electronics but at least he has the bigger picture of taking care of his health and he truly enjoys being active.  

It was worth all those lessons and all that whining.  He wasn't a quitter; he was exploring life and we helped him on his journey by brainstorming and problem solving these issues when we came upon them.  It wasn't always easy but life wasn't meant to be.


In retrospect, would I have done things differently?  No.  My journey worked out just fine.  My boys moved on to start and stop many interests over the years.  They didn’t stop learning and growing but did take a big pause with music.  The happy ending was that when both our kids got to middle and high school, they both knew enough music to do really fun things with it.  One even got to go to march in the Obama inaugural parade and both were in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as percussionists.  Today, one son is even writing his own music, investing his own money in lessons and equipment.  Their journey wasn’t a quitter's journey and neither was mine.

I hope you found this all encouraging as you are challenged with kids who want to quit.  
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Podcast 20: Calming the Chaos with Boundaries and Limits

10/3/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​​

Our kids are smart.  They really know how to manipulate us into getting what they want – crying, whining, nagging, having tantrums, giving us the silent treatment.  It can be overwhelming.  In my last podcast we were learning how to use choices early to avoid power struggles from the get-go.  In this podcast we’re going to follow along that positive path by using another technique that is a companion to choices – setting boundaries and limits. 
 
Sometimes, without realizing it, we put our kids in the driver seat.  We think they know what they should do, and by golly, they do the opposite.  Take eating dinner for example.  We put them at the table and give them food.  We expect them to sit and eat it.  However, after 2-3 minutes they hop on out of their seats to get a toy to play with.  We, in an effort to make sure they don’t go hungry or become malnourished, run after them with a fork or spoon to try to get them to eat another bite.  Or we put them back in their seat with threats and yelling but it happens all over again.  So frustrating, right? 

Or how about your child playing on electronics?  You tell them they have 30 minutes to play a game and they never get off.  If they do, you’ll find them sneaking some extra time in here or there. 

Why does this happen in our homes?  How do we get it to stop?

Kids Need Rules
It’s been pretty well documented that kids do better in life when there are safe and loving boundaries, but boundaries have problems. 
  1. Boundaries are Undefined
  2. Boundaries are Too Flexible
  3. Boundaries have Too Much Negativity
  4. Boundaries have no Consequences
  5. Too Many Boundaries
 
How to Set Good Boundaries
  1. Define the Boundaries
    Be up front!  If something is important to you then even be willing to write it down and explain it if you need to.  Make a poster.  Make a list of family rules!
    • Electronics are charged in the kitchen
    • We brush teeth twice a day.
    • Backpacks belong in the mud room.

  2. Make it positive!
    I love how Love and Logic calls boundaries “loving limits”.  You want to tell your kids what they CAN do, not what they CAN’T do.  Removing that air of negativity from your home as much as possible is such a breath of fresh air and helps to combat our negative tendencies.
    • I serve snacks to children who have washed their hands.
    • I let kids play computer games who’ve finished the dishes.
    • Kids can play with daddy when he comes home from work who have picked up all their toys.
    • You’re welcome to ride your bike with a bike helmet.
    • I read books to kids who are ready for bed by 8:15
    • I help kids with their math homework who are treating me with respect.
    • I drive kids to soccer practice who have their gear bag packed.
    • I let kids drive a car who are paying for half the insurance.

  3. Have Consequences 
    If you’re using positive statements, then there is usually an implied consequence.  Like kids who don’t do the dishes, not getting to play computer games.   Or kids who aren’t ready for bed by 8:15, won’t get books read to them.  Kids need to know what will happen if they choose to disobey you.

  4. Be Consistent
    This is a tough one for lots of parents.  If you set a rule, it needs to be followed through on.  Saying that you serve dinner from 6 to 6:30 then you only enforce it 70% of the time because one kid has been up and down getting in and out of their seat and hasn’t finished their dinner yet so you’re worried they haven’t had enough to eat, sends the message that the rule isn’t the rule. The kids aren’t even confused, to tell you the truth, they know you’re just kidding when you set a rule, that you have no backbone and your rules don’t need to be obeyed.  If dinner really ends at 6:30pm, you need to end dinner.  If you’re kids aren’t supposed to be riding bikes without helmets then, if they do, you need to lock up the bikes which is such a natural consequence to their choice to ride without one.

  5. Be Reasonable
    I mentioned that it’s great to make a list of Family Rules but be careful not create so many rules that the kids feel they don’t have choices and will start to rebel.  It’s best if you can incorporate ways for our kids to have a feedback loop especially when setting up new rules as your kids grow.  I did a podcast on Family Meetings and that is an amazing place to set and review Family Rules.  It’s podcast #17 if you want to go and review it.

  6. Be Calm and Loving
    When letting our kids know about the limits we have, we need to state them calmly using love and empathy and we need to respond to them in the same way if we get grief from them.  “I don’t want to wash my hands!” or “That’s a stupid idea, Mom!” might be responses to your positive, calm requests.  If that happens, which I’m sure it will, use empathy and love and the classic “I knoooooowwww” in a boring but loving tone.  Kids aren’t going to like every limit we set.  Your remaining calm will bring peace to the whole process.  You can always talk with your child at later time to ask for feedback if you get too much grief but not in the moment when their emotions are activated. 
 
That’s basically it.  Use limits in a loving way and you’ll avoid lots of power struggles with your kids before they start.  Choices will help give them some control over things you don’t care about and adding loving boundaries and limits helps smooth out communication as to what is expected in our homes.  Using words with positive and loving actions seals the deal to helping your family grow in a positive and healthy way.

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Podcast 19: Calming the Chaos with Choices

9/21/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​

Do you feel like you’re always battling your child?   You tell them to do something and you immediately get a “no” followed by whining and complaining or outright defiance?  A simple request that turns into a war is enough to send us over the edge sometimes. 

In this article we’re going to talk about how to avoid power struggles by using a secret weapon -- Choices!


Battle for Control
When our kids are putting up a big fuss, whether it’s about going to bed or getting off electronics, they push our buttons so quickly that our brains go into resistance mode and we allow ourselves to be pulled into a power struggle.  We want the best for our kids and we know how to get it to them efficiently and effectively so they should just do what we say.  Some of us are extra frustrated because when we were kids, we didn’t give our own parents such grief and that thought makes US even more frustrated with this whole situation. 

We’ve talked a lot about helicopter parents in my previous podcasts but now I want to talk about another type: Drill Sergeants. Parents who always want to tell their kids what and how to do things are called “Drill Sergeants”.  Kids of drill sergeants grow up feeling they’re not listened to and their opinions don’t count.  They are ignored. 

Well, for parents who want to raise kids who are followers that might work well.  But who is really trying to do that?  Anyone?  No way, our society tells us we’re supposed to be raising leaders, right?  Now I do want to mention that most of us fluctuate between being a helicopter parent and a drill sergeant depending on the circumstance, our kids’ mood and our mood.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of but it is something to be aware of.  It’s when we switch into our drill sergeant mode that our kids start joining the army to battle anything coming their way.  Yikes!

What’s a parent to do?  Shut down our natural drill sergeant tendencies and bring choices into play.  We should give away control as much as possible especially about things we don’t really care about and as many times a day as we possibly can.  Allowing our kids lots of choices gives them the power over their lives that they are seeking.  It not only will build confidence about their ability to make decisions but also reassure them that they can control some things in life.  It’s soothing to not only their hearts and minds but also to your mind and spirit.  Who wants to go through life feeling like we have to battle our kids at every turn?

One thing to note is that you need to give choices when things are going well, before any power struggle erupts.  How do you do that? 

Offer Playful Choices When Young
When kids are little, I find that parents can have a lot of fun offering playful choices that help to serve as distractions that wind up easily preventing battles.

Here’s a classic drill sergeant parenting move: It’s time to go to bed.  Please go change and get ready.

Often, you get the classic answer: No!  I don’t want to go to bed!

In this case, emotion is already engaged so you’ve got a battle on your hands.  So, what can you do instead BEFORE any resistance happens? 

Try this:
“It’s time to go to bed…” and then offer some of these options:
  • Would you like to walk backwards to your bedroom or hop on one foot?
    Would you like to race daddy or mommy back to the bedroom?
  • Would you like to take a bath first or brush your teeth first?
  • Would you like to brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
  • Would you like to wear your pajamas tonight to bed or put on your clothes for tomorrow so you don’t have to do in the morning?
  • Would you like to go to bed in 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing full well that 15 is your goal)
  • Would you like to read one book or two? (knowing you are prepared to read two!)

Offer Just Two Options
Notice how I’m giving just two choices, not a huge menu.  You want to focus the options to be things that you’re ok with.  Just like the time for going to bed I offered two times that I liked – 5 minutes or 15 minutes.  If an hour isn’t an option, then I don’t offer it. You also don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you’re waiting for a response. 

Decide for Them If They Can’t Decide
Choices, when offered, should be decided within 5-10 seconds.  If it takes longer, you’re being held for ransom, so you need to go ahead and decide for your child.  It’ll sound something like:
“Oh, this is so sad.  It looks like you’re having trouble deciding.  I’m going to give you a bath before books.  I’m sure tomorrow night you’ll be able to choose on our own.”

Now some kids might have a tantrum at the prospect of you choosing for them but you need to brace yourself for that and give them empathy and love but their time to choose has passed.  This might seem crazy at first but after a few rounds of this your child will know that if they really want some control over things in their lives, they’ll have to do it on a timely basis. 

You just keep churning out the choices when things are calm.  One thing is certain, if a kid’s brain is triggered into an emotional battle, choices won’t work.  Their brain is “off” so don’t start trying to load in choices right then.    Sometimes we try to fix things by using choices like a kid having a tantrum over what you’re serving for dinner: “Oh, you don’t like the chicken nuggets for dinner?  How about mac n cheese or spaghetti?”  When your kids are upset, let them be upset.  Give them love and empathy and maybe a few hugs until their emotions have settled down and then, and only then, would you try to solve the problem and might offer some choices to do that.  “Wow, I can tell you were upset earlier about having chicken nuggets.  That’s so sad.  Tomorrow would you like spaghetti or mac n cheese?”  This is all assuming you don’t mind having spaghetti or mac n cheese for dinner. 

Teens and Choices
Those of you who have older kids might say to yourselves that those fun-filled choices of hopping and skipping to bed or the car for are beyond you and you might just be right.  However, your battles can be bigger, can’t they?  Those tweens and teens really want control over their lives.  When kids don’t have control, they can set the whole house into a tailspin of tension and mistrust that can make every day miserable.  To counter that tendency, as kids grow, we need to transition them to making more and more decisions so they are prepared for the real world.  You aren’t protecting them from anything by being over protective and restraining them.

You need to up your game by allowing them more choices that are more advanced.  Here are some examples,
  • Instead of, “go brush your teeth” you give them a choice of brushing their teeth twice a day or paying for extra cleanings.  
  • Instead of dealing with a stinky teen who won’t bathe, let them know they are welcome to shower either before dinner or in the morning, dinner or breakfast will be served accordingly.
  • Instead of doing their laundry for them and demanding they bring you their dirty clothes, let them know they can do their laundry on Saturday when you’re not using the machine or after 5pm during on Mondays.  In that example, notice you’re not only giving choices but you’re helping them with a life lesson in laundry.
  • Instead of hearing them complain about what you’re cooking for dinner, ask them which day they’d like to make dinner, Monday night or Sunday.
  • Would they like take out the trash before dinner or after dinner?
  • Would they like to use their laptop in the kitchen or the dining room?  (notice their bedroom isn’t an option)
  • Would they like help with your to help with math or would they like to have a study group?
  • Would they like to join a soccer team or a baseball team?

Not Everything is a Choice
I do want to let you know that you don’t need to make a choice about everything.   Brushing teeth in most families isn’t a matter of a choice but allowing them to pick electric or hand brushing or which toothpaste or what timer to use to know they’ve brushed long enough can all be options offered as choices.  You get to choose the topics that can have choices. 

In a previous podcast, I talked about a mom who was having trouble getting her kids to wear their helmets when bike riding.  It’s a safety issue that’s non-negotiable.  The only choice I would offer would be do you want to ride with a helmet or not ride a bike?  That’s more like a threat.  I’ll talk in my next podcast about how to use well defined boundaries in situations like that instead of choices so stay tuned for that. 

Resistance to Choices – How to Handle It
Now there are lots of you regular listeners who tell me that choices are amazing, but they don’t always work.  Maybe they work with one child but your other child just likes “no” a little too much.  Here are some tips:

  1. If they won’t choose quickly enough or want to make their own options, hold fast and let them know they can choose next time, but you go ahead and choose for them this time.
  2. If you’re consistent then they know you’ll be true to your word.  Give them empathy if they start giving a major fuss that they don’t like the options given.  Feel free to go brain dead and say “I knooooooow” as a response.   It’s ok for our kids not to like all our choices so we need to make sure we keep our emotions in check in the event our kids don’t like our choices.  Saying something like: “This is so sad.  That’s not one of the choices right now.  I’m happy to let you choose something else at a different time.”  Then you go ahead and pick one of the choices.  Don’t let getting grief from your child throw you off. 
  3. If your child really won’t choose and a major battle still ensues, I’d recommend you go listen to Podcast 10 on Consequences and Punishments.  You’ll get a lot of ideas on how to react in a calm and loving manner. 
  4. Feel free to email me as well or connect with me on Facebook.  I love brainstorming with parents their challenging situations!

Using choices and giving kids lots of practice with making decisions is super healthy.  As kids learn to trust that you value their opinion and hear what they have to say, their self-worth and self-esteem can grow and blossom.  You will see your child empowered and wanting to cooperate instead of going to battle with you.  In the end, you’ll be looking for more ways to give your child choices.
​
Bottomline: use choices, use them often, use them with just a few options that you like.
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Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting Podcaster and Educator
Independent Facilitator of Parenting
​the Love and Logic Way®​

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