Listen to AUDIO of PODCAST 61 

Bullying… what a gulp of a topic, right?  It’s hard enough on those of us who might have been bullied or been exposed to others who were bullied when we were kids but when it’s your own child, it’s like being pierced in the heart.  It can make a normal parent turn into a tiger parent in a flash.  It’s confusing.  It’s heart breaking.  Who knows what to do? What’s the RIGHT thing as a parent to do?  Good question!  I’m not a therapist but I have been doing some research that will hopefully help point you in the right direction for good resources if you think your child is being bullied.
 
First off, there are some great resources online.  I’ve reviewed quite a few and have put hotlinks in the podcast and blog notes so you can find them easily.  Stopbullying.org and Kidshealth.org stand out as well as the UK’s Pacer.org.

Definition of Bullying

One confusing issue is when we suspect our child is being bullied, how do we know it’s “bullying” and not just normal teasing.  When we were kids, I’m assuming you all went through hurt feelings like I did when I wasn’t invited to a party or friends did something without me in secret.  Someone might have stolen your sandwich or called you a bad name on the playground.  Maybe you got pushed out of a seat on the bus.  I’m sure there’s a list of other things that happened to you that I can’t even being to guess.  Most of us somehow managed to get through but in today’s culture bullying seems, like everything else, to have been raised up a notch.  There’s more and there’s new types of online bullying to include in the mix.  Ugh.  

In 2014, the Centers for Disease Control and Department of Education released the first federal definition of bullying. It has three core elements:

• unwanted aggressive behavior
• observed or perceived power imbalance
• repetition or high likelihood of repetition of bullying behaviors

This definition helps determine whether an incident is bullying or another type of aggressive behavior like peer conflict or if it’s both.
 
I want to give you a more concrete examples of bullying so that you know it’s a wide set of possibilities as you think about the issues your own child faces. 

Types of Bullying

• Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes:
  • Teasing
  • Name-calling
  • Inappropriate sexual comments
  • Taunting
  • Threatening to cause harm
• Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
  • Leaving someone out on purpose
  • Telling other children not to be friends with someone
  • Spreading rumors about someone
  • Embarrassing someone in public
• Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions. Physical bullying includes:
  • Hitting/kicking/pinching
  • Spitting
  • Tripping/pushing
  • Taking or breaking someone’s things
  • Making mean or rude hand gestures

For kids, bullying can occur during or after school hours. While most reported bullying happens in the school building, it  also happens in places like on the playground, travelling to or from school, in your neighborhood, or in today’s culture, unfortunately, 24/7 on the Internet.  Let’s talk about that specifically…

Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying.  It’s bullying that takes place over digital devices. It can include sharing personal or private information about someone else causing embarrassment or humiliation. Some cyberbullying crosses the line into unlawful or criminal behavior especially in areas of sexting and porn.

Cyberbullying has unique concerns in that it can be:

·       Persistent – Digital devices offer an ability to immediately and continuously communicate 24 hours a day, so it can be difficult for children experiencing cyberbullying to find relief.  One friend’s child got over 300 mean posts in one day. It was relentless and caused the family to shut down all their child’s social media.

·       Permanent – Most information communicated electronically is permanent and public, if not reported and removed. Our kids don’t seem to understand that.  A negative online reputation, including for those who bully, can impact college admissions, employment, and other areas of life.

·       Hard to Notice – Because teachers and parents may not overhear or see cyberbullying taking place, it is harder to recognize.

It’s tough.

Why do kids bully?
 
Sometimes they pick on kids because they need a victim — someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker, or just acts or appears different in some way — they want to feel more important, popular, or in control.
 
Sometimes kids torment others because that's the way they've been treated. They may think their behavior is normal because they come from families or other settings where everyone regularly gets angry and shouts or calls each other names.  I know when my kids play online games there a LOT of trash talking that’s in fun but, I’m guessing, some kids don’t find it so amusing.
 
How do you know if your kid is being bullied?
It’s tough unless your kid tells you, that’s for sure.  Some of my friends said they just didn’t see the signs since they didn’t think bullying could happen to their kid.  Hopefully that won’t be you.  But here are some signs to look for:

• acting differently or seeming anxious
• not eating, not sleeping well, or not doing the things they usually enjoy
• seem moodier or more easily upset than usual
• avoiding certain situations (like going to school or taking the bus to school)

What Can Families Do?
It's really important to take bullying seriously and not just brush it off as something that kids have to "tough out." The effects can be serious and affect kids' sense of safety and self-worth. In severe cases, bullying has contributed to tragedies, such as suicides and school shootings.  The families I interviewed for this podcast admitted that it would have made a huge difference if they took the small warning signs more seriously instead of brushing them off.

If your child tells you about being bullied, listen calmly and offer comfort and support. Kids are often reluctant to tell adults about bullying because they feel embarrassed and ashamed that it's happening, or worry that their parents will be disappointed, upset, angry, or reactive.  One family I’m working with, the child won’t give the names of the perpetrators since he is so scared of retaliation. 

Sometimes kids feel like it's their own fault, that if they looked or acted differently it wouldn't be happening. Others are worried that their parents won't believe them or do anything about it. Or kids worry that their parents will urge them to fight back when they're scared to.

·      First, make sure you let your kid know on a regular basis that they can come to you with anything.  That you promise to listen.  This is often tough set up but it is essential for you to have a trusting relationship so that your kid can come to you with hard stuff.
·      When your child does come to you, praise them for doing the right thing by talking to you about it.
·      Remind your child that they're not alone — a lot of people get bullied at some point.
·      Explain that it's the bully who is behaving badly — not them.
·      Have them document the bullying behavior on paper in their own words.  Such written testimony is crucial if things escalate further.
·      Reassure them that you will figure out what to do about it together.

In surveys, most kids and teens say that bullying happens at school. Let someone at school (the principal, school nurse, or a counselor or teacher) know about the situation. Often, they can watch and take steps to prevent further problems.  It doesn’t always help but it’s worth a try.

Role Playing and Brainstorming with Your Child
Kidshealth.org offers a great list of ideas to go over with your child to prepare them for dealing with a bully and give power back to them so they aren’t so overwhelmed with the situation.  I’d encourage you to go over this list of ideas with your child and brainstorm what ones would work for them.  Maybe role play how they would use one or more of the approaches.

• Tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help stop bullying.
• Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Use a different bathroom if a bully is nearby and don't go to your locker if nobody else is around. Make sure you have someone with you so that you're not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess — wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.
• Hold the anger. It's natural to get upset by the bully, but that's what bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting by crying or looking red or upset. It takes a lot of practice, but it's a useful skill for keeping off of a bully's radar. Sometimes kids find it useful to practice "cool down" strategies such as counting to 10, writing down their angry words, taking deep breaths, or walking away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to keep their face calm until they are clear of any danger (smiling or laughing may provoke the bully).
• Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks, like acting uninterested or texting someone on your cellphone. By ignoring the bully, you're showing that you don't care. Eventually, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.
• Talk about it. Talk to someone you trust, such as a guidance counselor, teacher, sibling, or friend. They may offer some helpful suggestions. Even if they can't fix the situation, it may help you feel a little less alone.

 
Stopbullying.gov has a helpful list of Dos and Don’ts for adults who are in a school or other team environment where the bully or bullies are known and available for questioning.   Here's a link if you’re an adult in that situation.  BULLYING RESPONSE LIST LINK HERE 

Cyberbullying, special notes
I do want to take time to talk about steps in dealing with cyberbullying issues.

• First off, you want to have your child document the incident.  A particular incident might be a one-off but having screen shots of the mean remarks or doctored photos or whatever can be crucial to proving a pattern of cyberbullying that could be useful later.
  
  
• Cyberbullying is “intent to harm” focused.  Did the perpetrator intentionally cause harm or was it an innocent mistake. 
  
  What do I mean?  If your child’s friend takes a funny photo of your child and posts it on social media and they both think it’s funny at the time but then it gets re-posted with mean comments from others, it’s certainly a problem.  However, if the friend, when approached, is willing to take down photo and prevent further harm it would be chalked up as a mistake.  If the friend posted it, made mean comments about your child then forwarded it around on purpose and it continued to get forwarded around, that’s cyberbullying.  It’s nasty and it’s way too easy for a teen or tween with poor control over emotions to make bad choices over what they post. 

 
Mental Health and Building Confidence
Bottomline, dealing with bullying can hurt a child's confidence and self-worth.   To help rebuild it, be there for your kids.  Encourage your kids to spend time with friends who have a positive influence. Participation in clubs, sports, or other enjoyable activities builds strength and friendships. Get them mental health resources if they need extra support. 

When my boys were in high school there was a girl who had been drunk at a party.  Her photos and story were passed around via texting.  She was shattered.  She felt hopeless and alone.  She wound up committing suicide.  Bullying and cyberbullying affects mental health.  You need to make sure your child’s story is one of hope and resilience. 

Provide a listening ear about tough situations but encourage your kids to also tell you about the good parts of their day and listen attentively so that open communication becomes a habit for everyone. Make sure they know you believe in them and that you'll do what you can to address any bullying together. 

The one thing I always tell parents that will make their parenting job easier is to keep communication open.  If your child has a trusting relationship with you then bullying should never get out of control. 

If you need help building your relationship or access to mental health referals, please contact me at mary@parentingdecoded.com.  I have lots of podcasts as well as YouTube videos that can help and can connect you with professional help if you need it. 

​If you’d like an audio of this blog, go to my Podcast, Parenting Decoded.  

Resources:

• https://router-network.com/education/anti-bullying-guide
• https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/bullies.html
• https://www.pacer.org/bullying/
• https://www.stopbullying.gov/

Do you have a kid who is constantly losing stuff?  Maybe it’s his water bottle at school or her soccer shin guards.  Or maybe you have kids who just can’t remember where they put stuff and they’re always asking you where their shoes or some other items are.  It’s enough to drive us crazy since it keeps happening over and over again. 

We as parents have a lot of influence over training our kids’ brains and, boy, do we!  If every time they forget something they learn that we’ll go get that thing, they learn not to worry, mom or dad have their back.  They are smart!   If they forget their water bottle when going to the park even if they’ve been reminded, they know dad will buy them a bottle of water at the convenience store since dad is so worried about them drinking enough water.  

If they lose their coat on a bus ride for a school field trip, they learn that mom will buy them a new one.  If they decide to wear their favorite shirt and don’t remember that there’s messy play ahead with dirt or paint or rocks and hills, they know you’ll buy them a new one if it gets wrecked.  They LOVE that shirt, right?  They’d be broken-hearted if it was ruined, of course we’re going to get them a new one!

Yep, our kids are smart, and they train us well, don’t they?  By not worrying about where their stuff is, they know that we’ll worry for them.  Some of you complain that your kids are lazy and I want to let you know that they are smart, that it works for them.  They figured out by being lazy that they get to do less.  It might mean they hear more nagging from you or even yelling but, in the end, they know you’ll give in.  You love them.  You care about them.  You want life to go well for them, to not have struggles. 

The problem with all of our helpfulness is that while it seems loving and helpful at the time it becomes a habit they have trouble breaking and we have trouble breaking it too.  We rob them of the opportunity to train their prefrontal cortex to be engaged in life. That’s the part of the brain that makes good decisions including keeping track of where stuff is.

When was the last time you lost something?  Who came to your rescue?  I recently lost my pair of sunglasses.  I’m just so mad at myself since they were prescription ones which means they’re expensive to replace.  It hurt when I had to go buy a new pair.  No one rescued me and I knew it was my responsibility to come up with a solution.  Our kids need to know that when they lose something, they are the ones who lost it, not you.  You need to grow their brains so that they learn their stuff is THEIR stuff, not your stuff that they happen to be using.  They need to know that when something is gone, they need to own replacing it, not you.  It might hurt them financially, or they might be cold until they replace the sweatshirt they lost but the sooner we train our kids to own their stuff, the more we will save them pain and heartache in the long run. 
Ok, how do we do that?  

1)  Turn Off Your “Finder Mom” Radar

I’m a recovering helicopter parent and I had a fine-tuned radar for knowing where things were in my house or car. I always did stuff like carry extra sweatshirts and waters in my car in case someone forgot something.  Ha!  Silly me!  Drill sergeant parents can do this too, they love to be efficient and don’t want to go back home if someone forgets something, right?   So, stop noticing where stuff is!  When you hear: “Mom, where’s my soccer bag?” or “Where’s my music for band practice?” you’re going to say something like: “Gosh, I don’t know.  What a bummer, you really need that don’t you.  I’m sorry you can’t find it.”  You need to say this all with an empathetic tone of voice.  No yelling or telling them, just love.  It sucks to not have things we’re supposed to have.  

In some cases, your child might have a huge tantrum or meltdown.  Your response is the same -- give them love and empathy, no yelling, and no telling and certainly no solving the problem while they’re emotional.  Their brains are shut down when emotion is involved.  
 
2)  Brainstorm Solutions With Your Kid

Once the crisis has passed, and your child is calm again.  I want you to have a one-on-one with them.  I want you to ask them if they’d like to brainstorm how to avoid that situation in the future.  Let’s say it’s not finding their shoes for sports.  You calmly ask what they’re going to do about it so it doesn’t happen next time.  If they don’t know, you’ll ask if they’d like to brainstorm some ideas.  We don’t want to brainstorm with them if they’re minds aren’t open for business. If they say “no” they don’t want to brainstorm, you let them know that you’re sure they’ll figure something out and that you’re there for them anytime they’d like some help thinking.  But you’re not going to solve the problem for them. 

If they are interested in brainstorming, come up with some different ideas and have them choose which one they’d like to try first. Keep a list of the other ideas if they’re needed for later in case the first doesn’t work out.  Model for your kids that problem solving might take a few iterations to get it right and that’s part of learning and growing our brains.  Make it a positive experience!  No telling and yelling about how they should have listened to you in the first place.  

I know for some of us letting our kids lose things or fail at things can be hard.  But, if we can lovingly see them through hard times like those they’ll encounter, then they will build up resilience that will see them through to adulthood.  Small mistakes now give them lots of chances to practice owning their lives and deciding how to avoid more painful mistakes later.
 
Bottomline ... let your kids lose stuff.  Let them ruin their favorite shirt.  Let them do a bad job packing for their sports activity.  Let them forget a warm coat in cold weather.  You be there with love and empathy to help them recover.  

That’s all for now!  If you want more stories and lessons on this topic, go back to Podcast #3 on Building Resilience. 

These are notes from Jessica O’Connor, LMFT, who was interviewed for Parenting Decoded’s Podcast 56- Separation Anxiety.  There are so many great thoughts from her that I wanted to include them in my blog.  Enjoy!

Separation Anxiety – definition and description:

Separation anxiety is defined as recurring and excessive fear or worry about being separated from one’s attachment figure, like a parent. Features of separation anxiety include distress, worry that their attachment figure will come to some harm when separated, worry about being kidnapped or lost, refusal to leave home, reluctance to be left alone, difficulty sleeping without the parent, nightmares about separation, physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, nausea or vomiting with separation or anticipated separation.  This fear, anxiety, or avoidance lasts more than 4 weeks in children and adolescents or 6 months or more for adults.

Separation anxiety can increase during times of transition or following a break from school. It can happen after a stressful life event, such as moving, changing schools, or a death in the family.  One recent event that all children experienced in some form has been the COVID-19 pandemic.

Have you ever played the game Chutes and Ladders? The Chutes and Ladders game can be used as a metaphor for development. Rungs on the ladders represent growth and development. It’s common that a child might miss a rung, and that’s ok because children are resilient and can reach for the next rung to keep climbing.  What happens when a child misses more than one rung of development? When the gap between rungs is too great, time can help. With time a child continues to grow and have lived experiences and can build a bridge to cover the gap.  A parent can also help by going back in time and rebuilding those rungs with their child. 

Some signs that your child may be experiencing separation anxiety are school refusal, crying at drop-off, physically clinging to parents, avoiding going to birthday parties, camp, or participating in extracurricular activities.

Separation anxiety, like the other types of anxiety, is not always abnormal; Sometimes, it’s actually advantageous. Since we all feel anxious from time to time, it’s not about eliminating separation anxiety. It’s more about moving through it and not having it get too big. We often talk about “controlling” our emotions, but what happens when we try to control our emotions is that they demand to be felt, and they get bigger. Instead of trying to control our emotions, we can focus on living with and moving through them. We all have everyday ups and downs; we’ll consider what to do in those moments of separation anxiety.

Individual differences

We need to keep in mind that every child has individual differences; these are the things that make us unique and special. The things that make you, you. Children navigate their world through their own lenses.  When discussing a topic like separation anxiety, it’s important to consider your child’s individual differences. How do they see the world? How do they make sense of the information coming in from their environments, and what do they give back to the environment in return?  When thinking about how to help support your child through separation anxiety, it’s necessary to think through how they move through the world in their everyday lives.  No one knows a child better than the parent; By the way, I use the term parent to mean any adult that acts as a primary caregiver in a child’s life. With separation anxiety, it can be any attachment figure; it can be a parent, grandparent, coach, teacher, sibling, etc.

Questions About Separation Anxiety

-Is there a difference between anxiety and separation anxiety?

You can think of anxiety like a house, and separation anxiety is a room in that house. Separation anxiety is a specific type of anxiety that we feel. Everyone experiences anxiety since it is a normal human emotion.  Separation anxiety occurs situationally in separation scenarios.

- Can you talk about separation anxiety by age from toddler through preschool:
​
Separation anxiety in younger years is common. In fact, separation anxiety early in the lifespan is functional.  It’s normal for children ages 9 months to around 18 months of age to experience separation anxiety. Humans are not born into this world able to care for and provide for themselves. Babies are born dependent on their primary caregiver for survival. Separating from the person who kept you alive from birth up until that point is an anxiety-provoking event, especially if the environment is new and the child does not know what to expect. Young children can be clingy and follow their parent around.

Being prepared for the first day back to school is more than just having your lunch box and backpack ready. It’s about being emotionally prepared too.  One of the best ways to help your child be emotionally prepared is by talking to them about what to expect. Validating your child’s fears, worries, and concerns is important. It’s okay for your child to feel their feelings.  It’s ok to feel separation anxiety-- we just don’t want it to get too big to the point where it impacts their day and the day of those around them.  As children get older, autonomy, or independence, increases. For a child with separation anxiety, this independence can be scary and unwelcome. 

-How does separation anxiety differ as children get older?

Children ages 5 years to around 8 years old most commonly report fear or worry about their attachment figure being harmed if separated.

Children ages 9-12 years experience withdrawal, sadness and/or poor concentration when separated.

Adolescents ages 13-16 years will have more physical somatic complaints and school refusal.

- What can a parent do to help manage/overcome separation anxiety -- known tips and tricks, role playing, whatever:

First, identify in what situations the separation anxiety is occurring. Is it only at school, or does it happen all the time? When we think about a child’s individual differences and the information coming in through their senses, it can be helpful to make sure that what is happening actually is separation anxiety and not something else like sensory processing disorder, some things to try:

• Talk about school at home. Helping a child know what to expect and setting up the stage for a familiar experience can help.
• Always say goodbye with confidence
• Use a clock to show them when you will be back
• Read children’s books on the subject with them
• Have playdates with friends and parents to practice separating in the least stressful situation as possible
• Practice at home: Exposure to separating in a safe and controlled way can give your child the experience of separating when they know it is going to be ok. Start with the least anxiety-provoking experiences possible. Can your child talk about separating? Or look at pictures of their primary caretaker at work? Then gradually increase to more separation moments. Can you walk into another room and back?

I have seen an increase in separation anxiety in my practice. Some of this may be due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  If you think about normal childhood development without a pandemic, there are many opportunities for separation exposure. For example, when your baby is in the shopping cart at the grocery store, and you step a few feet away to grab a bag of apples, your child experiences the foundational building blocks of healthy separation.  With enough practice, your child feels comfortable with you leaving and returning and does not feel upset or dysregulated when this happens.

- When does the scale tip to being too much for a parent to handle without professional help?

When separation anxiety is disruptive to daily functioning, that’s when it’s time to seek professional help.  And you don’t have to wait that long.  Children come to my office for a variety of reasons, and it’s not always because there is a problem or something is wrong.  Therapy with children is positive and strength-based.  We focus on promoting self-esteem, self-value, self-compassion, and self-confidence.  And these are things that every child can come to our office to work on.

- If my child has separation anxiety, are they more likely to have anxiety as they age?

Not necessarily, and with proactive parenting and supporting your child through their anxious moments, you can increase their emotional regulation toolbox and help them to navigate and mediate future anxious moments

- Tips for working with teachers and caregivers

• Communication is the greatest tool in your parenting toolbox. Teachers and caregivers got into their lines of work for the love of working with children.  Collaborating on a plan is important.  Is it possible to meet the teacher one-on-one? Can the parent stay or volunteer in the classroom? Daycares, preschools, and grade schools should be safe environments for children. Knowing your child’s individual differences, ask yourself what you think your child needs.
• Ask the child what they need - If they are old enough to talk, then even better, ask your child what they need in that space to feel safe and comfortable. I think sometimes well-meaning adults get together to talk about what a child needs and sometimes forget to ask the child themselves what they think. Their answers may surprise you.
  
  

- How can we deal with the stress on ourselves as parents during bouts of separation anxiety?

This is a really good question. When a child gets emotionally activated or dysregulated, the parent will naturally become elevated as well.  This is connected to the idea of a parent protecting their child. If your child perceives a threat and their flight, flight or freeze system is activated, as is the case of separation anxiety, then your system becomes activated too, so you are better able to protect your child from the perceived threat. Put another way, it is normal to become dysregulated when your child is dysregulated, and there is a very good reason for that, but it can be really hard to go through at the same time.

One thing that can be helpful to the parent living through this experience is to remind yourself that children can only learn to self-regulate when they can see the people around them being calm or self-regulated.  If your child is having a bout of anxiety at an early age, this is an opportunity for emotional regulation development. Remember, it’s ok to feel our feelings. Parents can model effective calming strategies by talking out loud about their own calm-down strategies.  It’s ok for a parent to say, “I’m feeling nervous about this new interview, and I’m going to take a deep breath, tell myself I can do this, and think about getting the job.”

Anyone with a teenager knows that if you tell your child to do something, they are very likely to do something else entirely. Instead, one of the best ways to teach your child how to navigate the world is by showing them how you do it.  If you have been their primary caregiver for quite some time, chances are your child will be helped by the same things that help you. Ask yourself, how do I calm my anxiety? Your healthy regulation strategies are likely to be helpful to your child as well. I also try to remind parents that if you or your child is getting it right, that’s great, and if you or your child isn’t getting it right, that’s even better because those are moments in which we grow.  If everything goes right all the time, there is nothing to learn.  In our mistakes, we learn and grow and develop alongside our children.  The journey of development is not exclusive to youth.  We are all developing across our lifespan, and if we do so with curiosity, compassion, and suspended judgment, then we can move through life’s everyday ups and downs, and we will be all right.
 
Bio:

Jessica O’Connor is a licensed marriage and family therapist and supervisor with over ten years of education and experience working with children, parents, and families. She has a Master of Arts in Psychology and a Master of Arts in Infant and Early Childhood Development with an emphasis in Mental Health and Developmental Disabilities and a concentration in Reflective Practice. She is currently working in private practice in Campbell, California, and is a 3rd year doctoral student doing a dissertation on bullying perpetration. She is a contributor to the children’s book Wildfire! Kameika & Joey Prepare, and she enjoys giving presentations to parents and educators across the Bay Area. She lives in the Los Gatos mountains with her husband, two sons, two dogs, a fish, and nine chickens.

To reach Jessica go to her website at: www.jessicaoconnor.org.

Disclosure: This information is not intended to be medical or mental health treatment advice. It’s important to talk to your child’s doctor or therapist about concerns you are having about their mental health.
If you or your child are experiencing significant amounts of stress here is the phone number for 24/7 National Helpline for Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration:
1-800-662-HELP (4357)

AUDIO PODCAST HERE

There’s nothing more gross in my mind than sitting and eating with an adult who eats with their mouth open. I had a colleague at work years ago who did it so often it was talked about behind his back and some people avoided having lunch with him.  Yikes!  He was in his late twenties!  I think we all fear that our kids will grow into such food spewing adults who are avoided like the plague but, what do we do?  Some of you have kids who are already tweens or teens which makes the challenge harder but, in this blog post, we’ll go over some ideas on how you can do a course correction no matter what the age.
 
I do have to start out saying that, like just about every parenting issue, the earlier you start the easier things will be in the long run.  Preschool is a great time to start manners training but don’t be discouraged if you have older kids. 

 1 – Talk about it. 
Communicating with your family expectations about any activity you do is really key so put chewing food into that same category.  It’s a Life Skill you need to teach.  You need to explain the both why they need to chew with mouths closed and what that looks like so that everyone is on the same page. 
You can have small discussions with just one child during a meal or, if you feel you haven’t been clear with your entire family, then have a Family Meeting and talk about chewing manners.  Here are some ideas in how to approach chewing food. 
 

• Start with BASIC SKILLS: Some kids shove too much food in their mouths so practice taking small bites.  Go over what sized pieces are expected for different types of foods.  Include examples of foods you grab with your hands like pizza and apples vs. a bowl of cereal or pasta.  You could give everyone a knife and have them cut whatever it is into bite-sized pieces to make sure the learning is going well. 


• Next, include some FUN AND GAMES: You can play games where kids earn points, be creative and a little crazy.  When you have fun, learning can really settle in without being a burden.
  • Make a game out of cutting up food into the right bite-sized pieces, use a ruler or other marking system on plates to figure it out
  • How about chewing so many times before swallowing – 5 chews, 10 chews, set different numbers and get feedback to find the ideal number as a family
  • Or, use a timer for keeping track of chewing with the mouth closed for a certain amount of time. Little kids love setting timers so let them set away for each other!  Keep score.
  • You could be brave and have kids purposely try to talk with food in their mouths while they try to hide the food from being seen by others.  See how much food that is, keep track of the sizes that each kid can successfully hide and talk or say some silly nursery rhyme.   
  • You could also do the opposite of trying to hide the food by having everyone stuff a bit too much food in their mouths and try to talk, maybe you’d want to do this at a picnic table in your backyard since it might get messy.  You also want to make sure no one chokes on it by overdoing it so please be careful if you decide to go this route. 
  • I think you get the idea of chewing games so let’s move on. 
    
    
• You can use USE BOOKS: There are actually books to read for younger kids that can help!  Two favorites for toddlers and preschoolers seem to be “How Dinosaurs Eat Their Food” and “Dinner with Olivia”. 
  
  
• Now, my favorite, SET UP SIGNALS: Those of you who follow my podcasts have heard of other examples of setting up signals in your home for things like anger issues.  I love them!  In this case, once you have the basics down decide with your family what signal you all could use when someone is chewing with their mouth open.  It’s wearing on us all to keep saying things verbally like: “Ann, please chew with your mouth closed.” We start out patient and loving but sometimes it pushes us over the edge and we get triggered and wind up with something like: “If you don’t stop chewing with your mouth open, you’re going to your room!”.  So, what signal could you use?  Here are some ideas but keep in mind that choosing as a family is going to be most effective so use these just as idea starters.  
  • You could tap your fork on your plate gently once for child #1, twice for child #2, etc. 
  • Or maybe you tap your hand on the top of your head or tap your nose.  
  • You could also just do something simple like putting your hand over your mouth.
  • Have a small stuffed animal sitting at the table that gets passed to the person needing reminding.
     
• Whatever you do, CONSISTENCY is super key: Once you’ve communicated and agreed as a family what eating habits are acceptable it’s really important that you follow through.  This will take time and it will be repetitive but you need to keep it loving and kind in addition to being consistent.  Do not give up!
  
  
• Now, for the harder part, having CONSEQUENCES: What do you do if things just aren’t working out for one of your kids?  Maybe you have an older child and they’re just being defiant or spiteful.  Whether your child is young or old you need to agree that there will be consequences for poor eating behaviors.  Possible options include removing the child from the dinner table, making them eat alone or taking away a fun toy or activity.  Listen to my podcast #10 if you need help setting up effective and loving consequences.  You might also listen to my last podcast #51 about dealing with kids who drain your energy if the issue persists.
  
  
• Lastly, there could be MEDICAL ISSUES involved:  I don’t want to leave this topic without covering one more thing about chewing and open mouths.  Some kids have real breathing issues that make it difficult to chew.  They could have overgrown adenoids or tonsils, inflammation of the epiglottis or a throat infection that interfere with chewing.  Toddlers and preschoolers probably fall into this more than older kids but have your pediatrician take a look.
  ​

I hope you found this discussion useful and hopefully you can see how a lot of these can be applied to any table manners you’re struggling with – using utensils, leaning back on chairs, reaching too far across the table and spilling things, not clearing the table, whatever.  You need to establish some family guidelines and then follow through in a loving manner. 

AUDIO PODCAST HERE:    Podcast 51

​In my last podcast I had a wonderful time talking to my two sons but one of my dear friends said she wondered about the “Energy Drains” we talked about.  It sounded like it was effective in getting my sons’ attention and got them to consider how their behavior might impact their lives but I didn’t really explain the full concept.  All parents find themselves in situations where our kids do stuff that really takes energy out of us, yet we don’t know how to respond.  This episode is dedicated to figuring that out so we don’t get caught off guard and can effectively get our energy back in loving ways.

First off, I’ve been a facilitator of Love and Logic® parenting classes for over 10 years now.  It’s such a wealth of great parenting advice presented in really logical ways that are, for the most part, easy to understand.  Things like choices, setting boundaries and allowing for natural consequences are part of just about every solid parenting curriculum no matter what.  There is one term that Love and Logic® coined that has been the hardest to get parents to understand what it means and how they can have it work lovingly in their homes.  It’s Energy Drain.
 
The basic premise is that when kids do things that drain energy out of us, we don’t have any energy left to help them with other things in life.  As a result, they need to put energy back.  Let’s break it down into four parts:
1.What might drain our energy
2.How do you let your kids know they’ve drained you
3.How might kids replenish the energy we lost
4.What do you do when kids choose not to replace your energy
 
So, let’s go!
 
1 - What might drain our energy
This list is pretty easy to come up with for most parents but here are some things that come to mind:

• Whining
• Disrespect and talking back
• Not doing chores
• Not doing homework
• Forgetting stuff at home and causing parents to go get things – homework, sports equipment, musical instruments, lunch boxes, water bottles
• Sibling fighting
• Screen time limits being ignored
• Tantrums

 
I think you get the idea.  Most of these issues have no natural consequences that can put a stop to poor behavior.  When a kid whines or talks back, we’re stumped and often times react to the negative behavior in a negative manner with yelling or punishing.  We usually come up with “Go to your room!” Or: “You’ve just lost your screen time with that attitude!”.  Right?  Doesn’t that sound familiar? 
 
However, sometimes we helicopter a natural consequence like bringing a lunchbox or homework to school when our kids forget instead of allowing them to deal with missing that item themselves.  When we rescue like that, we rob them of learning opportunities but, here’s the key for this episode, we rob ourselves of our time and energy that we don’t get back.  We give and they take.  Not a good formula for the long term. I now have to take MY time to correct a mistake that was not mine.  Not fair one bit.  However, lots of parents just take it in the gut, suck it up and run to school.  It all becomes very draining and possibly infuriating when it happens over and over.
 
Let’s move on. 
 
2 - How do you let your kids know they’ve drained you
 
When your energy is drained you have choices, don’t we love choices?   You can be dramatic or matter of fact, it’ll depend on you and your kids.  For kids 8 and under I think dramatic can work really well.  “Wow, all those toys all over the floor really drain my energy.  Oh man, I’ve got to just sit on the couch and recover… Ugh… I don’t even think I can get up for a long time… Soooo sorry.”  You can have drama but make sure you have empathy too!  This isn’t a punishment, and you need to be really careful it doesn’t morph into that, and empathy will really help.
 
“Gee, this is sooo sad.  I had to do all the dishes you said you’d do and now I’m really drained.”  You might also use: “This is so sad.  It took so long to brush your teeth and get ready for bed that I’m too drained to read you a book.  I hope I can get some energy back tomorrow so we can read stories again.”  Yes, this might result in a meltdown or tantrum, but you need to hang tight to get the result you want. Tomorrow night will go more smoothly as will the night after that.  Every time you give in it sends a signal that your words don’t mean anything.  It basically keeps allowing your child to have a free pass to manipulate you.
 
For teens and tweens, you might be much more casual and make a statement like: “Gosh, you’re talking back really drained my energy today.”  No drama needed and we need to be careful not to get upset when they roll their eyes or give snarky comments when you say this.  Just let that roll off for now.  I do want to recommend you have a Family Meeting with your family, especially with older kids, so that they understand what happens when mom and dad have energy drains.
 
We’re getting more clear on what drains our energy and how use empathy and possibly drama to let your kids know about it,  so let’s move on again. 
 
3 - How might kids replenish the energy we lost
We need to make sure both your child and you are even emotionally.  This is only going to work if everyone is calm.  If your child is crying or yelling back or resentful, you’ll just have to wait.  If you’re upset that they just called you awful names, you need to wait until you have a clear head. 
 
Once that happens then you’ll say something like: “You know how I did the dishes for you earlier.  That really drained my energy.  How do you think you’re going to put energy back in mommy?”  Or: “You know how you and your brother were fighting so much yesterday, that really drained my energy.  What would you like to do to put energy back in mommy?”
 
You might also wait until after school and say in a loving and empathetic voice: “Wow, so glad I was able to run your homework to school today.  That was pretty important, I could tell but, gosh, it really drained my energy.  I was in the middle of writing my lecture and it took an hour out of my day to find your homework, drive to and from school and get restarted.  I’m wondering how you’ll be putting energy back in mommy today.  Would you like some ideas or would you like to choose something from the Energy Drain list on the fridge?”

Believe it or not, most kids actually pick up on this concept really quickly especially when a parent had a solid relationship with their child and uses this in a loving manner and doesn’t turn it into a punishment. 

A good friend who’d been using Energy Drains on his two little boys had been forgetting the empathy part and so they sounded like punishments. “Nick, you hit your brother.  That really drained my energy so go pick something off the list on the fridge.”   That sounds so different than “Wow, Nick, that’s so sad you decided to hit your brother.  It really drains my energy.  We use our words in this house when we have conflicts.  What would you like to do to put energy back in daddy?”

I have a handy list nearby on my fridge or in my head of things they can do to replace the energy drained by their poor decisions. It might be making dinner or sweeping the floor.  It could be dusting or putting lotion on my hands.  It is something your child does for you that they don’t normally do, possibly one of your regular jobs and it should be age appropriate.  If you talk about this whole concept as a family and have them help put together an energy replacement list, they’ll even buy into the program faster.

The whole idea of getting them to replace your energy is to get their brains to recognize the impact their behavior has on other people.  When we let them get away with bad behavior sometimes it’s just because they have no idea how they impact others.  It creates entitlement when we put up with it, doesn’t it?  Your kids think it’s fine to fight with each other because they’ve never known anything could happen except you get mad and make kids go to their room or lose screen time.  They know every time what will happen, but it doesn’t motivate them stop fighting and learn other methods of getting along.  If they fight and all the sudden after they’ve cooled down in their room, they have to pull weeds in the backyard or clean the bathroom, they might get the hint that there could be a better way. 
 
It’s our job as parents to have them take a pause.  They might not be happy about any of this but, over time, they will start to see that their behavior does impact others thanks to your loving and empathetic interventions.  If you haven’t heard my boys in Podcast #50 take a listen and hear what they have to say about the long-term impact of Energy Drains.  Here’s a hint: it mattered and it didn’t make them hate me.  Whew!
 
Here's a link to the ENERGY DRAIN IDEAS list on my website to help you with some energy replacement ideas.  Feel free to download the spreadsheet to edit and print your own if you’re so inclined.  My goal is to make energy replacement easy for you, so have at it!
 
Now, on to the last part.
 
4 - What do you do when kids choose not to replace your energy
This is where things get a little harder.  You’ll have to have something happen, a consequence, when they fail to put your energy back.  You need to know what your child’s currency is, what lever you have over things you do for them, that they want you to keep doing.  Here are some ideas:

• I drive kids to school who’ve put my energy back. 
• I read books at bedtime to kids who’ve put my energy back.
• I drive kids to the store to shop who’ve put my energy back.
• I serve dinner to kids who’ve put my energy back.
• I make dinner when I have enough energy to do so.
• I wash clothes for kids who put my energy back.
  
  

Notice, these are said with love and are not punishments.  Your child can choose to put your energy back, it’s not required.  However, you need to hold strong about what you choose to not do for them so that tantrums and whining about your “stupid energy drain stuff” won’t get to you.  You’re going to go brain dead and say: “Yeah, I know… it’s really hard sometimes.  I’m sure you’ll figure it out.  I sure love you.”  That can keep making them mad though so don’t be surprised when they’re in the learning mode of this technique.  Just be patient.  Nod your head or hum: “Uh huh…” or “Wow…”
​
I’m going to offer one other solution for getting energy drain replacements going when it comes to kids not doing chores.  This one worked great for my own boys in their middle and high school years.  I never yelled or nagged about doing chores, I know, it’s hard to imagine.  I let it be known that I’d be happy to do any chore for them and I posted a list of charges on my kitchen bulletin board.  They each had weekly and daily chores, not an overwhelming number but a few.  It was only $20 for me to take the garbage bins to the street, $5 to refill TP and $10 to comb the cat. Everything had a price and I used prices that would get their attention.  I collected my charges once a month from the pink note cards that went on the bulletin board to track when I did a job for them.  It allowed me to be a happy mom and they got to be responsible since they didn’t like giving me their money.  I was also willing to bargain with them if they did one of my jobs so they didn’t have to pay me.  I was flexible! 
 
If you talk to your family in a Family Meeting about what drains your energy, they can be prepared to help balance the scales in your home away from the take-take-take that happens way too often.  I’ve seen parents with kids as young as two make energy drains work and as old as high school.  It helps build respect for others which is a necessary life skill we all need to become thoughtful, successful adults. 

In this blog I’m going to continue our quest to teach manners to our children.  We’ve already covered “please” in Podcast 47 and explored how to encourage acts of kindness in Podcast 48.  Now it’s time to figure out how to get our kids to say “thank you” and how to help develop a general sense of appreciation for not only “things” but also training them in thankfulness help to promote an “attitude of gratitude”.

THANK YOU
As I said previously, getting our kids to use “Thank You” is tougher than “please”.  Why is that?  Because it happens AFTER something, not before like “please”.  It’s easy for a kid to just forget and hard for us to not feel like we’re nagging to get them to do the thanking we expect them to do.  It means we have to work a bit harder to get the response we want.
 
Let’s start with some ideas for you to ponder.
 
First, Start Early:
Even a baby can be taught to say thank you using sign language which I total admire folks who are able to start that young.  However, most of you listening probably have older kids so just start your “thank you” training as soon as you can.  What this really involves is training yourself, something that can be difficult for some of us, but every time you give something to one of your kids, stop and wait for a thank you.  Don’t do anything else until you get a thank you.  No nagging, just wait. 

You can gently and empathetically prompt them with one of these phrases if it’s not obvious to your child what you’re waiting for.  Something like:

• And what do you say?
• In our house we say what when someone does something for us?
• I’d love to hear that “thank you” in your sweet voice.  It really fills me up when I’ve done something for you. 

Notice the tone of my voice.  It’s gentle. It’s loving.  Practice that tone.

When you hear your kids getting help from someone else instead of yourself, feel free to gently use similar phrases.

• And what do we say to a friend who helps us? 
• And what do we say when brother helps you?

I think you get the idea.
 
Next, Be Consistent:
When we want to set up a new skill, we have to remember to use it A LOT!  Feel free to have a Family Meeting and talk about thanks – why we use it and how it makes us feel when it is used.  Let your kids know you’ll be making an effort to help the family use “thanks” every day and in every way.  They might get tired of hearing you gently remind them but you need to respond to their gripes with kindness and empathy.  “Oh, I know, it does take extra time to thank people but, in our family, we are thankful every day.  Do you need a minute to gather your thoughts?”
Notice again my tone. 

Lastly, Give Praise for Thankfulness:
A simple response from us as parents can help reinforce positive behavior.  Here’s an idea, after a child uses “thank you” say:

• I loved how you said “thanks”.  It warms my heart. 
• I really appreciate that. 

I know, it almost sounds like you’re thanking your child for thanking you but, hey, we need to be positive and, for me at least, it does warm my heart. 
 
FAMILY THANKING EVENTS
In all of our families there are times when we should be thankful.  Here are some ideas that come to mind that hopefully you can weave into your family’s DNA:

Dinner Thank Yous: At each dinner as a family have everyone say three thankfuls.  Why three?  I think our kids often just say something quick to get rid of the “task” at the dinner table so have categories of thanks for them to use.  They can even help pick the categories to make it more appealing.  One idea might be: something inside the house, something outside the house and something inside our hearts.  Or, something at home, at school and at a friend’s house.  Maybe: someone in your family, a friend nearby and a relative.  
Come up with a creative list and try it out.  Change it up over time!  Change it with the season.  Whatever you can to keep thankfulness examples alive in your home. 
Bedtime Blessings

If your family is a bit crazy at dinner time, nighttime might be a good alternative for setting up a routine of thankfulness.  It is usually a sweet time of day to pause and ask for thankfuls as the kids are cuddling into bed, maybe after books.  You can use the same category idea if you want or keep it simple.  Again, being consistent will help.
 
Thank You Notes for Gifts: Writing thank yous for gifts our children receive is excellent training for practicing thankfulness. 

When my boys were young, even 3 or 4, I would have them write or draw thank yous for both birthday and Christmas presents.  I participated a lot when they were that young but as they got older, we moved on to where they not only wrote the cards but they got out the supplies and wrote the envelopes and put stamps on and put them in the mailbox.  Now a days that might be all old fashioned so if you’re family and friends accept email thank yous, that’s fine, but the really important part is setting up the practice a routine of: “I get gifts. I am thankful. I thank the people who were so thoughtful to think of me.” 

Do something and do it EVERY time.  One parent I know used to only let their child open a present if they’d already addressed the Thank You to the relative or friend.  Some other families write a list of gifts on a notepad as they are opened so there’s an easy way to know what came from whom after all the unwrapping is over. They use that list to make their cards. 

Making Manners Fun
Now that we’ve got some ideas of the basics, let’s see what else we can add that might help us have fun with being thankful in our homes.

FANCY DINNER
One idea is really cool and I’d love to hear from you if you try it!  I’d even be up for being invited to a dinner with your family if you’re in the Bay Area in California. Here’s the idea: have your family can stage a “fancy dinner” night where all good manners are overtly discussed and practiced.  Get out the candles and the fancy table cloth (assuming it’s easily washable) and try it.  Show them how they ask politely for food using “please” and to say “thank you” when someone passes them something.  Give LOTS of praise too! 

It’s so fun to go overboard and even have them pull out their chairs quietly and clear the table with a smile before being served some fancy dessert.  Make it fun!  Dress up in fancy clothes or have a color theme.  It’s great to include a round of “What am I thankful for” at the same time.  Maybe you can sneak in some lessons in how to use utensils politely or where the utensils are supposed to go around their plate.  Make it feel like a 5-star event!  Bottomline, have a bunch of fun exaggerating.  Kids usually love that.
 
FAMILY MEETINGS
Moving on, if the Fancy Dinner idea wouldn’t work for your family for thankfulness training at mealtimes, maybe you have uncooperative teens who think you are totally weird, you should have a Family Meeting, you know how I love those, to talk about other ways in which you can improve on manners either at the table or anywhere else in life. 
 
MODELING
Bottomline, it starts with you!  Make sure you’re modeling thoughtful, kind manners yourself.  Our kids are little imitators who grow up into big imitators so being on the right page yourself will help. 
 

AUDIO PODCAST HERE:  Episode 47

A few months ago, I asked my FB group what areas they needed help with in the manners department.  I was thinking of the “please” and “thank you” kind of manners, you know the ones that included sending thank yous to people who gave you gifts.  However, I got a whole list of ones that weren’t even in my brain any more now that my boys are grown and out of the house.  The parents sent in all sorts of requests:

• How to handle interruptions (this was the most requested one!)
• How to get kids to say please and thank you for meals
• Using “excuse me” when interrupting
• Dealing with table manners including the “eating with your mouth open” offense

Yikes!  I thought this would be a breeze of a podcast.  Well, it’s clearly a larger topic than I’d anticipated so I’ve decided to do a series of podcasts on manners so that I can delve deep and you can pick and choose the areas that you need most help on so here goes!
 
The basics of manners is about teaching kindness and thoughtfulness of others, to allow our kids to see outside their often times very selfish world.  Our mission as parents is to grow our children into people who are thoughtful, respectful and conscientious and manners are part of our responsibility in getting them there.   This first lesson is about how to instill one of those foundational magic words into your kids – “please”.
 
PLEASE
How do you incorporate “please” into your family?  Here are my ideas:

• Start young: I would very start young.  There’s baby sign language for please.  If you have a small baby, use it!  You can do a google search and find lots of resources for it. 
• With Older Kids Set Family Rule: A lot of you know that I think communication is really helpful and I love Family Meetings for doing that.  If you have been struggling with “please” and other manners, hold a Family Meeting.  It should be short and sweet.  I wouldn’t lecture but I’d make a short statement about how in our home we treat each other with respect and using “please” and “thank you” are pillars of respect.  Let them know how you’re going to start by encouraging the use of “please” in a consistent manner. Ask your kids what they think, listen to their feedback and you can schedule more meetings as you move through different manners. 
• Practice! What does the dialog sound like? Well, in my home my routine was, when asked without a “please”, I would nicely say “And how do you say that nicely?”  Then, if the child just said: “Please.” I would then say: “How do you say that in a full sentence?” I not only required this of my own boys but also their friends who were over constantly.  I was even handed, not forcing just my own boys but the boys they were playing with to treat me with respect. 
  • Using a full sentence request
    • Mrs. Eschen, can I have some gold fish?
    • Sure, and how do you say that nicely?
    • Please
    • Nice try, how do you say that in a full sentence?
    • Please can I have some gold fish?
    • Of course, here they are. 
  • “Excuse me?” One mom when asked for something without manners set up a signal for her kids and that was: “Excuse me?”
    • Mom, I need to go to the store to get poster paper for tomorrow! 
    • Her reply was:  Excuse me?
    • Mom, may we please go to the store to get poster paper for my project for tomorrow?
• Upgrade for Older Kids: As your child gets older you can incorporate “may I please” into your phrasing to upgrade their speech into a more formal and respectful tone. So, in our example it would be “May I please have some goldfish?” or “Please may I have some goldfish?”.  You get the idea. It’s subtle but certainly an upgrade.  Have a Family Meeting to talk about the need for an upgrade.  Keep explaining that this is a Life Skill you are teaching, not a method of getting them to submit to our will for no apparent reason.  People want to be with people who treat them with respect, that’s why we’re upgrading.  It’s practice for life!
• Role Play: I gave you some examples already but I think that the use of role playing can be incorporated to hone your family’s skills while having some fun.  Learning should be fun so put on your thinking caps and even incorporate your kids into the brainstorming of how to do that if you can.  One idea might be to set up a special dinner with special plates and lots of different dishes on the table that have to be passed around.  Then practice while you eat!  “John, may I please have the rice.” “Andrea, please pass the mac and cheese.” Over exaggerate the whole meal!   Maybe you have a special “Please” Meal once a week for a while?  Maybe you have a “Please” Breakfast on the weekend?  Or a “Please” Game night where you have to ask for the dice nicely each time.  Come up with a few ideas and try them out. 
• Consistency is Key: What can make all this work? Consistency!  Yep, I said it took 10 years and I’m not kidding.  I was loving and kind.  I didn’t nag.  I didn’t lecture.  I just waited for the correct response and then, and only then, did they receive what they were asking for. 
• Model What You Want to See: Modeling the behavior you want to see is hugely beneficial to your quest for any behavior but especially in the area of respect and manners.  You being kind and using “please” will complete the loop.  Your kids notice what you do.  They are little sponges.  They will know if you are sincere and true to this quest for good manners.  Be it.  Live it.  Because, if you don’t, by the time your kids are tweens or teens you’d be amazed at how they seem to join the Hypocrite Police and will start throwing your poor manners right back at you.
• Leverage The Please: Keep in mind that you have leverage with “please” since it happens BEFORE something your kids want.  If your kids want something it means you have currency to trade.  If it’s help with math or washing their favorite pair of jeans or playing a game, you know their brain is in an open mindset to listen since they want something from you.  Seize the day!  Ask for the please and you’ll get it. 
• Other Ways to Give Kids Feedback: I just wanted to throw out a few other ideas for how to request the “please” in your home, just for variety.  Remember to always use a loving and gentle tone:
  • You’re missing the magic word
  • What’s that magic word again?
  • I can’t hear you when you ask like that.
  • Lastly, if they ask rudely for something give them a choice, you know how I love choices too, they can ask nicely or encourage them to solve their own problem if they don’t want to.  For example, if they say “I need some milk!”, your reply might sound like: “You can ask for it politely or try to get it on your own.”  Just make sure if they are sassy back at you and say things like “You never help me!” that you just give them love and not start an argument about their poor attitude.  A simple reply of: “Hmm… that’s sad.  Any what did I say?”  Then go listen to podcast #41 on Disrespect to remember what to do about that sassiness. 

 

AUDIO PODCAST HERE:  Episode 43

What do you do when you have two or more children who just don’t get along?  I mean they really can’t stand each other.  They’ll even say to each other that they hate each other?  I’ve had many parents over the years ask me how they can help their children love each other or at the very least tolerate each other.
 
Well, it’s a tough question. 

I just want to make two observations about siblings who don’t get along:
 
First, IT’S NORMAL AND DRAINING on the whole family
Siblings not getting along is very normal and I mean VERY normal.  There’s no one in the world who can get in your face more than a sibling can.  Whether it’s a younger brother getting into an older brother’s prized Yu-Gi-Oh card collection or an older sister’s jealousy of a younger sister’s popularity at school; they are enough to just really get under a kid’s skin.  It creates plenty of whining, screaming and crying for moms and dads to deal with.  It can lead to kids declaring that they hate each other and will sabotage every family experience as a result.

• Mooom!  She’s in my room!  Get her out of here!  (followed by lots of yelling and door slamming, maybe a punch or a kick)
• Daaaad! Danny is so stupid!  I hate it when he plays games with us! He’s so dumb!
• Mooom! He ate my goodie bag candy!  He’s so fat he shouldn’t be allowed to live!
• In my house growing up we’d get mad at a sibling for breathing air
• And it goes on and on….

Their angst drags us and our whole family down the drain, the energy drain!  You can’t take a hike or a drive in the car without a fight erupting.  You for sure can’t have a family meal in peace. 
 
Next observation, Sibling issues are FULL OF LIFE LESSONS
As adults, in our lifetimes we’ve run into people we don’t like and we’ve had to learn how to get along with them. In your child’s future is an annoying coworker or a demanding and demeaning boss.  Our kids need to have opportunities to learn and refine their people skills and siblings are perfect practice targets.  They keep coming at you over and over until you get it right.  They don’t just go away so there’s a ton of opportunity to practice how to get along! The trick as parents is how to get them to learn these precious life lessons. 
 
That leads me to our next phase – possible solutions!  I have three ideas for you to try in your home. 
 
IDEA #1:  Set BOUNDARIES using Family Meetings
I grew up in a Christian household and was always reminded of the Golden Rule – do unto others as you would have done unto you.  How did I know this rule?  My parents taught it to me.  My parents enforced it.  It’s a pretty good rule and really boils down to how parents need to set boundaries on behaviors in our households.  If your kids are mistreating each other then it’s time to sit everyone down and set up some Family Respect Rules then tackle some specific areas in the same manner.

FIRST MEETING – Set Family Respect Rules
In the very first meeting you’d facilitate a discussion of what the Family Rules around respect and behavior toward each other should be.  ASK your kids and spouse for input.  It might include things like:

• No one can come in your room without permission
• You must treat each other with respect
• If you can’t talk in a civil tone you cannot talk for 15 minutes
• No one can touch your toys without permission
• If someone isn’t home you still can’t touch their toys without permission
• No calling each other names

 
You also have to have consequences to go with the new rules.  Ask for input on that too.  I love choices so I’d try to make sure the kids have choices to choose from.  It might look something like… IF ANYONE BREAKS A FAMILY RESPECT RULE, they can choose one of the following:

• Offenders will play the “Love Game”, this is where offending children have to sit and hold hands.  Then they say five positive things about each other.  Lastly, they hug and forgive each other. 
• Offenders will play together for 15 minutes, really play not just watch a movie
• Offenders can do an extra job on Mom’s Job List (you can use my Energy Drain List if you need ideas!)

 
If you have kids who refuse to sit down for a Family Meeting then you need to set up a consequence for their non-participation.  The old: “I allow kids to … go to the movies who’ve participated in our Family Meeting” will come into play.  If you need more ideas about setting consequences listen to episode 10.
 
 
SECOND MEETING – Tackle Specific Areas of Tension
Once you set up the basic Respect Rules you can move on to the next phase of Family Meetings.  Pick one situation where your kids really drive each other crazy and try to clean that up.  Take, for instance, driving in the car.  Have a family meeting about "How to Have a Peaceful Drive in the Car".  You ask for suggestions about what could make the drive calm keeping in mind the new Family Respect Rules.  Take any and all suggestions! 
 
Some might wind up being:
· have brother put a sock in his mouth
· sister puts on headphones and listens to music while we drive
· brother plays the license plate game with mom as they drive
· everyone eats popcorn
· sister wears a bag over her head
· brother sits in the middle row and sister sits in the very back of the car (this assumes you have a car that has 3 rows). Sister might be sitting shotgun right now since she's pretty old but maybe moving her to another location can help. 
· brother brings books to read in the car and wears headphones to do a read-along with a book
· drive kids separately to school and charge each kid for the driving time ($2 per mile?)
· no talking while we drive, sister picks the music to play in the car one day, brother picks the next day, any complaining and the opposite child gets two days in a row to pick music.
 
I think you get the idea, make a long list.  Have weird things on the list like the bag over the head.
 
Next, pick a few to TRY for a week.  Yep, just TRY.  Don't make anything permanent.  Keep the full list around.
 
Next, schedule the NEXT Family Meeting.  At that meeting go over if things worked or didn't work.  What would they like to keep doing and what would they like to experiment with next week?  Change things up, try new things then HAVE ANOTHER MEETING and keep having them each week until this one problem is sufficiently solved.  That you can drive in the car peacefully.  THEN move on to another area where there is disharmony and do the same with it.  Maybe that next area is dinner time?  Or maybe getting ready for bed?  
 
Whatever issues are happening it's best to use a format where everyone can communicate and feel they have input to the solution.  It helps get buy-in for having the solution work when people feel heard. Listen to Episode 17 if you want some more examples of Family Meetings.
 
IDEA #2 - Special Time/Connection Time
Each child needs to feel listened to.  They need to know they are loved unconditionally.  Sometimes sibling strife comes about when they have issues that aren’t being paid attention to.  You need to divide and conquer and make sure YOUR connection to each child is solid. 
 
Create some special time for each of your kids who aren’t getting along to be with just one parent at a time.  Do something each child likes to do even if it's not your favorite thing.  For a teen or tween maybe going for boba tea or Starbucks. For a younger child it might be building Legos or playing Barbies.  Just BE with them.  Let them relax so you can chat and connect.  NO LECTURES!  If you need longer connecting time maybe you go paint pottery together or take a hike.  Maybe drive to San Francisco to some special event or store?  For me, I took my son out for lunch at a casual sit-down place and we played cards.  It kept us off our phones and let us just casually chat. 
 
Once you feel you have a solid connection then you can set an intention of a topic that you want to talk about and get feedback on sibling issues.  If your relationship is rocky, however, your discussions will always be difficult and you’ll probably be rebuffed so keep your main focus on building that solid relationship foundation.
 
IDEA #3 - Love Languages
In podcast Episode #33 I interviewed two experts on Love Languages.  God made us all different and we all feel loved and valued in different ways but we often go through life having no idea of how the people in our families best feel loved which can lead to a lot of sibling fighting.  I can’t recommend enough having each person in your family go through the simple quiz to find out how they feel loved.  It can be very powerful in helping kids get along.  A daughter might learn that her brother needs to feel love from her in special ways so that he can calm down and be relaxed.  Little brother can also learn why big sister likes to have feedback differently than he likes it.  In the episode the two women do a really nice job of explaining how it helped their families.  
 
When I write a podcast or blog, I always surf the internet for additional resources.  This time I found a really helpful one from Pint-Sized Treasures.  Allison Wood is an amazing mom of 6 who explains some more of these ideas including the Love Game I mentioned earlier in her article “What to Do When Your Kids Hate Each Other”.  I’m going to put a link to her article in the podcast notes in addition to a link to my Sibling Rivalry podcast episode #9 in case you haven’t had a chance to listen to that.
 
One last thought, sibling relationships that go sour in adulthood often have their roots in childhood.  Make sure you’re not pitting your kids against each other for your love and attention and favoring one child more than another.  I grew up in a house with 12 kids who were close together in age.  Yep, 12.   It is overwhelming to think of the battles that we fought with each other during our years growing up.  Our parents were pretty even handed though.  One of my older sisters who picked on me constantly helped me to be quick-witted and be able to stand up to people who might verbally try to push me in directions I didn’t want to go.  She toughened me up!  I hated her at the time for it since she was so mean but once we moved into adulthood, we gradually became very good friends.  There is hope for your children who aren’t getting along but you need to steer the ship in the right direction.  I hope some of these ideas might work for you.  Write me and let me know! mary@parentingdecoded.com.

PODCAST LINK HERE

In a previous episode, #20, I talked about how setting boundaries and loving limits can help your family run more smoothly.  You communicate the boundaries up front in a loving way and you allow for consequences to happen when the boundaries are exceeded. It sounds so easy when I say that right?  Easier said than done.
 
A few days ago, I ran into a family who’d been to my classes and lectures and have been trying to implement good boundaries over the classic issue in all our homes – screen time!

They set up clear boundaries, 30 minutes a day for their 5th grade boy.  Their son knew the rule but the parents told me that just about every day as soon as he was done with his 30 minutes he immediately started asking for more time.  And he kept asking and asking and asking.  Dad felt their boundary worked about 75% of the time, meaning their son got no extra screen time,  but 25% of the time their son got more time.  Hmm… Mom and dad were not in agreement that the 75% was a good success rate – dad thought it was pretty good but mom thought they could do better.  However, both of them were in agreement about one thing -- that their son begging was really getting to them. 

Our kids are smart.  When we give in 25% of the time, we give them permission to ignore our boundaries which can easily lead to begging.  It works for our kid 25% of the time which is way better than 0% so why not try it?  That’s what goes on in our kids brains without them even having to think about it. 
 
What’s a parent to do?  How do you get beyond the begging for more when you have been quite clear about the limits?
 
There are two things I’d recommend.

1. Use a simple phrase:  AND WHAT DID I SAY? 
   When they ask for more screen time, it would sound like: AND WHAT IS THE LIMIT?   Have them repeat the limit back to you then say nothing or, at the most, give them empathy that limits are hard.  Give them real empathy, “I’m sorry this is so hard on you.”
   
   
2. Have consequences for complaining and whining about not liking whatever limit they don’t like.  Love and Logic recommends using ENERGY DRAIN when things like this happen that don’t have natural consequences.  It sounds like: “Wow, this is so sad, it really drains my energy when I keep getting asked for more screen time when you know you’ve already had your time for the day.  How would you like to put energy back in mom?”  Notice my calm voice with empathy.  I’m sad that they’ve crossed the line and need to put energy back. 
   
   Feel free to even be dramatic when they start asking for more screen time!  “Oh my!!!  My head… it’s awful… my whole body is draining of energy!  Ugh!  Being asked for more screen time is just the worst!  What are you going to do to help get my energy back?  I’ll go sit here on the couch to recover while you figure it out.”     
   
   I have a handy list nearby on my fridge or in my head of things they can do to replace the energy drained by their pestering me. It might be making dinner or sweeping the floor.  It could be dusting or putting lotion on my hands.  It is something your child does for you that they don’t normally do, possibly one of your regular jobs.  The idea is to get their brains off thinking about their selfish requests onto the impact their behavior has on other people.  This is true for all ages of kids!  2-year old’s might be dusting or vacuuming while 16-year old’s might be making dinner. 
   
   Here's a link to my Energy Drain Idea list.
   
   But what do you do if they won’t put your energy back?  This is where things get a little harder.  You’ll have to have something happen, a consequence, when they fail to put your energy back.  You need to know what your child’s currency is, what lever you have over things you do for them that they want you to keep doing.  Here are some ideas:

• I drive kids to school who’ve put my energy back. 
• I read books at bedtime to kids who’ve put my energy back.
• I drive kids to the store to shop who’ve put my energy back.
• I serve dinner to kids who’ve put my energy back.

If you’re able to ask for the replacement in a loving and consistent manner your kids should view you as fair and reliable even if they don’t always agree with the rules.  No yelling.  No long lectures, just empathy.  “This is so sad that you’re having trouble with boundaries.”  You do have to be prepared for a tantrum or two when you’ve had to use a lever to get them to put your energy back but, stay strong.  You can do it!
 
Why Boundaries Fail:
I just want to take a minute to go over a few more reasons why some of your boundaries might not be working in your home. 

1. Boundaries are Undefined – this is where you think they should know them but you never actually said it out loud
2. Boundaries are Too Flexible – this is what happened to my family with the screen time issue, the kids don’t know when mom and dad might enforce a limit but there are limits
3. Boundaries have Too Much Negativity – when boundaries are always negative it makes kids want to rebel, there is a lot of “you can’t” do this or that
4. Boundaries have no Consequences – you set a limit and then don’t do anything when the limit is broken
5. Too Many Boundaries – this is when parents are trying to control way too many aspects of kids’ lives and the kids have no room to breathe, they are always breaking rules every 10 minutes since there are so many rules

 
How to Set Good Boundaries:
Now let’s do a quick review of how to set good boundaries:

1. Define the Boundaries – I love to recommend families have Family Meetings to help define and set limits so no one is surprised and everyone has some input into the rules when it’s possible.
2. Make it positive! You want to tell your kids what they CAN do, not what they CAN’T do. 
3. Have Consequences - Kids need to know what will happen if they choose to disobey you or ignore you.
4. Be Consistent – we talked about that already
5. Be Reasonable - it’s great to make a list of Family Rules but be careful not create so many rules that the kids feel they don’t have choices and will start to rebel.  It’s best if you can incorporate ways for your kids to have a feedback loop especially when setting up new rules as your kids grow. 

1. Be Calm and Loving – when our kids give us grief feel free to go braindead.  “Mom, this sucks that I can’t use screens when all my friends do all the time!”  Your response is: “I knooooooooowwww” in a boring, but loving tone.  You can always talk with your child at later time to ask for feedback if you get too much grief but not in the moment when their emotions are activated. 

 
I hope this was helpful. 

Here's a link to my other episode and the Energy Drain Idea List:
Episode 20 - Creating Calm with Boundaries and Limits
ENERGY DRAIN IDEAS