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Podcast 26: Lying, Cheating and Stealing - What to do?

2/9/2021

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN

Many parents get very upset when we catch our children lying, stealing or cheating.  In this podcast I want to go over why kids might lie, what strategies we might use to address the lying and how age might influence our reactions. Lastly, I’ll talk about how to repair trust which has been broken and what consequences might be appropriate.
 
These situations are stressful for every parent and throw us into a vast array of emotions ranging from anger to disappointment and hopelessness depending on the age of the child and the frequency of the offenses.  This whole issue attacks our basic tenet of trust.  When a child lies, they break our trust.  When our kids are little it’s fairly easy to maneuver them in the right direction. As they age, the breaking of trust becomes more and more difficult to repair. 
 
When we act very authoritarian and harshly punish such behavior, it often has the opposite affect and winds up increasing the bad behavior. 
 
 
Why does lying bug us?
Honesty is critical to healthy relationships, having integrity and resolving problems.
Dishonesty can lead to heaps of trouble in the long run which nobody wants for their kids.
 
Why do kids lie?  What is it about lying that comes so easily into our kids’ lives?  In researching for this topic, I found that there seem to be categories for lying that can help us to put a child’s behavior into a better perspective.  
  1. Test out a new behavior – This is when they just want to see your reaction.  What will mom do when they steal the candy from the pantry?  I think of this for little kids mostly who are new to lying and its repercussions.  But could be a teen who is trying to test the boundaries in different ways to see if they get caught or not.  Taking a beer from the fridge or talking online with a stranger. 
  2. Enhance self-esteem and gain approval – I call this the Bragging Syndrome where an insecure kid tries to puff themselves up to impress others.  They tell their friends they’re the best at something or own something that others might want.  They want to fit in so they inflate themselves in ways they think will help them but often times it backfires and their self-esteem takes even more hits.
  3. For personal gain – This might be cheating on a test or taking money from someone’s wallet.   It could be shoplifting for items you can’t or aren’t allowed to have.  Maybe it’s setting up accounts on Instagram and Snap Chat that aren’t allowed.  You know what the most common lie I hear from parents for this category is these days?  Sneaking computer time and lying about it.
  4. To avoid punishment – let’s say your kid broke something, or colored a wall with markers, maybe pushed their annoying little sibling over.  They are afraid you’ll punish them so when we ask: “Who did this?” you get a: “Not me!”  Don’t be surprised.
    When I was about 9 or 10 I broke my mom’s hair dryer but I’m from such a big family that when all of us said: “Not me!” I was never found out.  I had no idea what the punishment would have been, I just knew I didn’t want it and isn’t it amazing that 50 years later I still remember the incident.  It was an accident, but it turned into something much more.
  5. To avoid doing something – When I asked parents in my Parenting Decoded FB group about lying examples I have to say, this is probably the most common.  Kids lie about brushing their teeth, washing their hands, finishing their homework, putting away their clothes, cleaning their room, turning in their homework, logging off the computer, taking out the trash.  They’d just rather not do any of those things, so they lie about it and say they did.
  6. Get the focus off themselves – Sometimes if a kid is depressed or not doing well, they will say things that we parents want to hear. 
    • Are you feeling ok today?
    • Did you take your medicine?
    • Did you finish your homework?
    • Did you get enough sleep?
    • How are you doing with your friends at school?

You can imagine the answers from a kid who is struggling in any of those areas. You later find out they said what you wanted to hear and are hurt and/or mad that they “lied” to you. 
  1. Speak before they think – with some kids who have ADHD they sometimes just blurt things out without a filter and without actually thinking about it and it comes out sounding like a lie.  If they took a few cycles to think, it would come out differently, but sometimes they don’t those cycles.
  2. Spare people’s feelings with white lies – This is a tough one since it requires taking into account other people’s feelings.   “I really like your new outfit”, “You’re really good at drawing.” “I love my present from you.”
 
 
Ok, now that we have a reference guide for different types of lies,

What do we do about them?
 
Well, in a blog from Child-Psych.org they elaborate on three main goals for parents when dealing with lying:
 
First, getting to the truth in a positive way, then figuring out how to make amends and, lastly, how to learn from the mistake of lying.
 
  • Know the truth and have kids share it – it’s really important that there is trust in the household.  If kids have a problem they are afraid to share about, they will be tempted to lie especially if they think there might be a harsh punishment coming.  Not having harsh punishments for telling the truth while they are young will help build trust so that as they get older, they’re more likely to share and not lie.  You want to try setting up rewards for honesty which in the case of lying is that there will be less of a consequence for telling the truth than hiding it.
    In the example of kids not washing their hands when they say they did and you know they didn’t, instead of putting them on the spot and calling them a liar, you can gently say something like, “Hmmm… it seems like I see some dirt still on your hands.  Can you please re-wash them for me?” Or they didn’t do their homework and you can see their unfinished work on the table, “Wow, this is so strange, is this the homework that was supposed to be turned in?  Did you want to tell me about it?  Is there something you need help with?  I won’t be mad if you tell me since in our family telling the truth is really an important value.”

    I’d recommend having a Family Meeting occasionally to talk about your family values and how honesty is promoted and protected.  You might even set up a family honor code and post it so everyone can be reminded of it.  The really important thing is that it’s discussed and debated by everyone in the family, not just an edict coming down from mom and dad.

  • Kids can make amends – if the child’s behavior affects someone or something then you need to encourage making amends.  If they’ve broken a window and lied about it, paying for a new window would be appropriate.  If they lied and it impacted someone like they hit their sister or ate all the cupcake toppings that were to be used for an upcoming party, they have to repair the damage.  I’m a firm believer than forcing a kid to say “Sorry” in a resentful, under the breath tone isn’t helpful at all.  It only creates embarrassment and resentment.  If sister was hurt, maybe doing some chores for her or letting her play with some of your toys might help repair ill-will created when the child hurt their sibling.  We want to teach our kids that apologies from the heart are effective.  It could be writing a letter, drawing a picture or baking cookies instead of a forced “I’m sorry.”

  • Kids learn from mistakes – let kids know that we all make mistakes.  Lying is just a mistake that we get to help figure out how not to do in the future.  We need to talk to them about how honesty will get us further in life than lying and cheating.  Brainstorm with them how to recover from making bad choices when they lie or cheat.  If they get caught cheating on an exam or copying someone else’s work, what can they learn?  Keep calm.  Find out what’s really going on instead of heading right into punishing.  Kids lie when they feel cornered, help them get out of the corner by spending time with empathy and love to figure out the root cause. 
 
Age based Ideas on Dealing with Lying
Now that we talked about the three goals, I want to go over how we might apply them at different ages. Parents.com wrote a useful age-based guide that I’ll go over briefly here and reference in my podcast notes. 
 
Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2-4)
Lots of little kids can’t even quite tell truth from lying so these years are critical for adults to set the stage that kids don’t need to rely on lying to solve problems.  Kids are going to experiment so you gently and diplomatically send a response back instead of “Did you eat the cookie?” which leads to an immediate tantrum or meltdown, try something like “Did somebody eat a cookie?  Those mustn’t be crumbs on your chin.”  No need to have consequences but I might pull out some books to read at bedtime that talk about lying. Once they hit about 4, they are more aware of the concept and might introduce a whopper or two.  One of my parents used a wonderful technique when her son lied by saying they were going for ice cream when they for sure weren’t.  After he announced it this wise mom said, “I know you wish that were true.  I love ice cream too.” Then she just kept moving on.  It’s common at this age that wishful thinking becomes statements that appear to be lies.  It’s great to treat them as wishful thinking in a kind and generous way.  
 
School Age (ages 5-8)
At this stage they tend to tell more lies to test what they can get away with.  For example, One 5-year-old was testing her new abilities so much that she was proudly telling her little brother she was a better liar than he was.  Too funny.  Mom and dad will have some fun dealing with that.  At this stage though most lies are easy to detect – they didn’t brush their teeth, didn’t do their reading, didn’t check over their spelling, watched more TV than allowed.  Talk openly and continue to read stories together.  Don’t forget to praise them when they are honest. Be careful at this stage that you’re modeling honesty yourself.  If you tell kids to pretend they are younger than they are to get a discount meal at a restaurant or a ticket at a theme park, you need to consider what message that is sending to your child’s growing sense of right and wrong?  I know lots of families do this, but at what cost?
 
Tweens (9-12)
I always consider these foundational years for cementing your relationship before teen mindset and independence sets in.  Kids at this stage are pretty savvy and have already a strong sense of right and wrong.  When they lie, they may have strong feelings of guilt.  Being available for conversations about honesty is super helpful.  Talk about how honesty impacts our lives.  When they mess up, brainstorm about it.  Have some special time with that child for a gentle discussion.  At this age you talk about things like “little while lies” and how to use them if they’re needed to protect people’s feelings.  Maybe brainstorm if there are ways to be thoughtful without using white lies to get by. 
 
I know lots of parents at this stage are hit by lies relating to computer use.  “Yes, I’m just studying with my friends.” While you can see they have a YouTube window open.  Or, “I need to use my computer for a project this evening.” And you find out they’re on Minecraft instead and they’ve hidden it from you.  Or, in more serious offenses, they’ve wandered all over the internet chatting with strangers and creating social media accounts that you can’t even begin to figure out where and how many there are. 
 
One thing I can say is for you to take a deep breath.  Trust is earned and you have to rollback things to allow your kids to regain your trust.  In the case of computer issues it might be that you move their electronics into a public place.  This online learning that we’re in right now has really messed everything up since we really want all electronics in public places anyway but right now it’s almost impossible to do that.  One mom was thinking about removing YouTube from the school laptop, but her son would miss out on studies.  Maybe it’s that they put YouTube only on the computer in the Family Room until they come up with a better way to know they can trust him to make better choices. 
 
Teens (13-18)
In this older stage we need to do that work to listen and modify.  If there’s a lot of lying at this stage it’s a call for help.  Your child doesn’t feel safe telling you things and you need to get the door open.  Have you been too punitive in the past?  Did you blow up when there’s a problem with lying or cheating?  If you’re behavior makes them want to take a step back from you, that’s the wrong direction.  Figure out ways they can trust you won’t blow up if they have something you’re not going to like hearing.  For some this is setting aside special time to brainstorm but for others you might need to involve a counselor to help negotiate things.
 
How do you encourage honesty?
  1. Let them know truth is easier and reduces consequences especially when planning ahead. 
    1. Say your kid has been drinking at a party.  They could lie about it but you want them to call to be picked up so you have to strike a balance and have an open dialogue ahead of time, so no lying is needed.
    2. If they don’t turn in an assignment, find out why.  Was it too hard?  Did they have too much homework?  Were they bored with the work?  Talk about what could be done about it.
    3. If they cheated and copied someone’s test or paper and got caught.  Talk to them about what was up with that.  Are they feeling too much pressure to perform?  Do they need assistance to catch up?  Again, are they overloaded? Bored? Tired? Bullied? Try to get to the bottom of the why instead of just punishing the deed.  Every time at this stage you’re able to get to the heart of what’s really going on its another avenue you’ve set up in being able to communicate with your teen.
  2. Let kids know we don’t expect perfection - Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you know matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So, I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.
  3. Don’t label your kid a liar, it’s the behavior, not the kid.  Don’t set up your child for feeling bad about themselves that we wind up setting up a pattern of lying, as if we expect them to lie since they’ve been labeled a liar.
  4. Don’t corner your child – if you already know they lied and put them on the spot.  If you know they didn’t do their homework just say it.  “I know you didn’t do it.  Let’s talk about why that’s not a good idea and what to do about it.”
 
 
Ideas for Repairing Trust
For those of you who know Love and Logic techniques one thing to integrate into the repair of trust can be Energy Drain.  It really is an Energy Drain when you’re lied to.  You can use this with empathy and love to allow them to fill back up your energy by doing acts of service or chores around the house.  Maybe they’ll clean out the garage or scrub those garbage cans that go to the street.  One of my boys cleaned the gutters when he broke our trust.  He was a great kid and just happened to make a poor choice.  He was glad to do that chore to fill back up our energy that he had drained and get himself right with us again.  If you want more examples take a listen Episode 10 on  Consequences. 
 
I want to finish up telling you a story about Cheese Pizza.  It’s from Natasha at Reading Is Better Than Chocolate.  She was raised in an authoritarian household.  They were to do as they were told, no questions, no arguments.  Mistakes were punished harshly and lies were included in that.  Her response?  She just weighed up the odds of getting caught and lied at every turn.  Yikes.  Now that she’s a mom she needed to come up with a vastly better plan especially since she had made lots of poor choices by the time she was an early adult.  

Her idea as a mom was to cultivate a program of trust and love from the get-go.  She and her son developed a code word that they agreed upon ahead of time. Whenever her son said the code word it would create a magic spell where mom would have to listen calmly and NOT lose it.  They had fun choosing a word together.  They settled on CHEESE PIZZA.  Well, they posted that word in their kitchen on the fridge so everyone could see it with some simple rules that when the word was said that mom would take a deep breath, count to five and then not lose it.  In only 3 days her son came home from school and said CHEESE PIZZA!  Mom took her breath, counted to five and they sat down.  He had torn his new trousers at school.  He was able to tell his mom that he was happily playing on the playground when it happened.  She gave him a squeeze and thanked him for being truthful. 
 
She’s hoping that setting this up when he’s young they’ll have lots of practice so if the issues get bigger than holes in knees they’ll have something to use to help them through.  This story doesn’t say to let your kids get away with not helping to pay for new pants, which I think you should brainstorm how that happens, but it’s about getting to the heart of your child so that they feel you’re on their side and they’re safe to tell you even hard things.  Life will get hard and how we respond is going to impact how and when our kids are willing to come to us.  Make your own plans for CHEESE PIZZA in your house. 
 
Natasha has a wonderful list of books in her article that you can use to talk to your kids about lying and I’ll put the link in my podcast along with another article about books and honesty from ChildrensLitLove.com.  Books can be so helpful as jumping off points for discussions with our kids especially when they’re younger.  One book parents of teens and tweens can certainly learn from is “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk”.  Communication is key to maintaining a loving relationship that will last a lifetime!
 
I hope these ideas on how to handle lies and lying in your house are helpful.  Please share this with other families.  If you’d like a transcript of this or any of my podcasts, they are always attached to my episode notes and on my website. Feel free to email questions to mary@parentingdecoded.com or join my Facebook Group for more chatter on parenting topics.

​Resources Mentioned:
  • How to Handle Your Child’s Dishonesty by Child-Psych.org
  • Why Kids Lie from ChildMind.org by ChildMind.org
  • Cheese Pizza Idea from Natasha at ReadingIsBetterThanChocolate.com
  • Lying Guide By Age from Parents.com
  • Honor Code Ideas by ReadBrightly.com
  • Favorite Picture Books on Honesty from ChildrensLitLove.com
  • How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish

 
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Podcast 23: Gift Giving With a Glad Heart

12/3/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​​

Holidays and gift giving can bring about so much stress to families who are sucked into the commercialism of our current situation.  In this podcast I want to give you all some hints about making gift giving a more heartfelt experience not only from you as the giver but also how to create an attitude of gratitude in our kids who are receiving those gifts.  I’ll also go over some ideas about how to handle sibling-to-sibling giving as well as extended family situations which can easily get messy.  I’m recording this in the holiday season, but it really applies to gifting at birthdays, graduations or any other type of event. 

As I was researching, several articles offered a concept that I really thought could make gift-giving much simpler and less commercial.   It’s called the “Four Gift Tradition” where just four gifts are exchanged from parents to kids: something you want, something you need, something to wear and something to read. Isn’t that sweet?  It sets an expectation of getting gifts but a clear limit on how many and that there are different categories, not just one category of “something you want” as happens in many families. 

I also came across a fabulous article by Kelly at Happy You, Happy Family™ called “The Most Meaningful Gifts for Kids Who Have Everything”.  I’m going to go over a few of her wonderful ideas but I want to encourage you all to read the full article that I’ll post in my show notes from www.happyyouhappyfamily.com.

First, you want to keep in mind that kids who already have all their needs met, they get bored with new stuff quickly.  Those toys we spent so much time, energy and money picking out frequently just move to the back of the closet within a month.  It’s so frustrating.  We feel our kids are so ungrateful or spoiled, right?  I remember buying the Star Wars BB-8 remote controlled robot and, after the first week, it just sat there.  Ugh!  What was I doing wrong?  It sure felt like I was wasting my money.  How could I improve my gift giving?

Kelly says, research shows that after a while the human brain gets used to new things. It adapts so much that the new things become not new pretty quickly.  Oh dear.  How do we counter that?  This is the part I love about Kelly’s article, it focuses on giving gifts that create memories and experiences!  We all might have tried a few art kits or construction kits over the years like I did when my boys were growing up, but I never really focused on gifts for creating memories and experiences, but I really should have. 

I’m going to run through some of the ideas from her article, see what resonates with you.  There are way more in the whole article, but I want to help get some ideas flowing.

The first fun one is Monthly Boxes of Fun.  There are lots of companies that offer some cool and creative kits to come once a month. You can select based on age and interests.  A few Kelly mentions are:
  • Kiwi Crate – really creative craft and building kits by age and topic
  • Little Passports – where a fictional penpal sends letters once a month from around the world and your child can track on a map where the penpal is that month
  • KidArtLit  - sends a hardcover picture book combined with art supplies for a family project that is related to the book
Cool!  Fun!

The next category is Conversation and Everyday Kits. The ideas are pretty simple and not expensive but involve some setup to get them to gift-wrapping stage.
  • Create a conversation kit you can have at the family dinner table every night.  Your kids can have fun pulling conversation ideas out of a mason jar or bowl.  Kelly sells printable cards, but you can also find other sets of cards to print yourself or make up your own to put in a decorated jar, box or bowl.  
  • Create a family playlist of favorite songs or dance songs or whatever category you choose.  If you have kids who are old enough, have your kids create playlists for each other or for a particular event coming up.  You can print the list out and put it in an envelope so there’s something to open.
  • Set up a journal for you and your child.  Pass it back and forth, writing notes and thoughts to each other each day or each week.
  • Write letters.  This one can create really wonderful memories and is one of my favorites.  Instead of shopping for gifts, take that hour and sit down to write a letter of gratitude and love for family members.  I’m talking paragraphs, not a simple card that just says, “Love you so much, Mom.”  Making time to slow down and really formulate loving thoughts about each other is such a precious gift. You can put them in envelopes in stockings or under the tree.  Easy.
 
When it comes to giving gifts that create memories besides writing letters, I think the winner is Activities with Time since these can build memories in ways that “stuff” can’t.  There are a few different ways to “gift” time, some are done inside the home, others outside. 

Family At-Home Time
These can be fun kits you put together that revolve around doing things at your home.
  • Movie Night in a Box – full of themed candy, popcorn and stuff to go with the movie
  • Game Night – pick a new game where you can all play with no electronics that you print invitations out for and include plenty of snacks and treats to eat while you play
  • Puzzles – my favorite!  Get a new puzzle or borrow someone’s where you just enjoy being together as you figure out where the pieces go
  • Garden Kit – wrap up a whole kit with things to grow, dirt and tools so you can plant together.  Pick out flower bulbs or plants or veggies that your kids love to watch grow. 
  • Fun Times coupon book– this one would be a booklet with things like “a pillow fight”, “staying up 30 minutes later”, “pick what’s for dinner” or “taking a mental health day from school”.
  • Teaching dates – if you have a special skill like wood working, knitting, baking, welding, painting, sewing, glass blowing, that your child is eying to do with you.  Set up a coupon for teaching them that skill.
Family Time with Places and Events Outside the Home
Many of us take our kids to events but we forget to make them special or seem like gifts.  Make a family event special by having a special announcement of it in a card or letter.  Let your kids open it to reveal what it is.  Here are some ideas that are in this category, some of them have to be done after COVID but I have to say that there are some cool virtual events to be had these days so search around the internet.
  • Take them to play
  • Take them to a movie or arrange to see the new releases that are being streamed as they come out
  • Watch a sporting event or other event together
  • Enroll in a class - take a class together where you both learn something new that you both want to learn 
  • Take a tour
  • Take a hike or do a scavenger hunt
  • Go on a camping trip
  • Give a gift of membership to their favorite museum
  • Set up a Splash Day or Mud Day – plan an event with invitations where the whole family can get soaking wet running through puddles, sit in the mud and make mud pies.  I’m talking really wet, dirty and something your family doesn’t normally do, not the everyday type play your kids might do on their own.  Something like a “cover dad in mud” challenge.
 
If you choose any of these “Activities with Time”, I’d encourage you to make sure you take plenty of photos so that you can cement the memories via an album or a screensaver in a place where everyone can see them.
I could go on and on, Kelly has a HUGE list of more ideas still.  Those are just to whet your appetite.
 
 
Don’t Forget Mom and Dad
I do want to move along and cover the other side of this gift giving experience. What about you?   I know I tend to think of myself last even though I spend hours thinking about what the rest of my family might need or want.  Some years were a little awkward when my family all got a load of gifts and there were a meager set for mom.  It made me ask myself, whose fault is that?  I was teaching them about taking but not about giving.  I had to up my own game and let them know that I was worth thinking about gifts for.  I decided I needed to tell them so that I could model for them what they should be doing at gift giving events like birthdays and holidays.  Our kids aren’t born knowing this stuff, so we need to communicate with them. 

When my boys got to high school and college, a time in their lives when they might be busy doing lots of other things with friends rather than with family, I went bold and put only two things on my Christmas list:
  1. A CD of some new Christmas music
  2. Time, opened ended to do what I wanted with them
What a joy and what great memories I was able to create with my Gift of Time presents.  One year I got to take a high school boy to a parenting lecture on sleep by a scientist and sleep expert.  There’s no way I could have given him an hour lecture on sleep but he gladly came with me and learned a lot.  He even asked a question from the audience of about 200 people.  Was that really a gift, you might ask?  Well, to me it was!

Another memory from my Gift of Time was going to Disneyland with just one son while he was in college in LA.  Yes, I had to fly to get there but it was worth it.  It poured but we slugged it out, buying cheap Mickey ponchos and wringing out our socks we were so drenched.   He took an entire day to be with just me.  It was so precious. 

What can you ask your family for?  What fun activity do YOU want to do with them?  That they can create a coupon for you?  Maybe a hike with no whining?  A trip to the beach?  Maybe they create a Christmas playlist on Pandora or Spotify for you?  Be creative!  Ask for experiences, acts of service or my favorite, a letter to you about the wonderful things they loved about you this past year.  If they can’t write yet, have them draw you and the family. 

However, I have to say you really, really need to model parent giving for your kids. While they are young, they need to be helped and encouraged in selecting gifts for parents.  What I mean is where dad helps them select presents for mom and mom helps them select presents for dad.  One young dad has had his young sons help him select a nice bracelet on Amazon after taking his boys looking at a shopping mall. 

Whatever you do, don’t just buy presents for your spouse, or any member of your family for that matter, and say that they’re from your kids, have them participate.  If writing a letter, making coupons or drawing pictures is what they decide to do, make sure they’re done and wrapped and ready for gift-giving time.  Model the love of giving!
 
Sibling Gifts
Now let’s move on to another gift giving topic.  Gifts for Siblings.  Our kids are trained to expect items from parents but what about getting gifts from siblings?  When and how do we encourage this?  I’d say at about 5 years old and beyond is a good time to help your kids figure out how to give gifts to each other.  You might give them the money to do this, but I would certainly give them a budget if you take that route.  If you happen to be following the money recommendations from my podcast on Money, they could use money from their Spend-Save-Share jar or, if they’re older, from their allowance. The most appropriate category would be to use the “Spend” part of their money since “Share”’s intension is to share outside the home but, do what you have to do. 

Have your kids agree on a spending limit or a type of gift like board games, books, or only handmade gifts so they are in the same ballpark.  Sometimes one child is overly generous, and another stingier child can take advantage of them, so a target limit is probably best. 
 
Grandparents and Extended Family Giving TO Your Kids
Next up is certainly a challenge for some families, gift exchanges with grandparents and extended families.  When you have young children, I think it’s best if you give clear gift giving guidelines for grandparents, aunts and uncles and other special family friends.  Set a dollar, quantity or size limit but try as hard as you can to be up front about what is reasonable. 

You all know I love Family Meetings.  I would actually gather those extended family members in person or on Zoom to discuss what’s reasonable.  If they are part of the decision making, then you might have more success in getting compliance than trying to say what you want and having it ignored.  Relatives ignoring our pleas for present limits is the most common problem I’ve heard, so try a Family Meeting to see if it helps.

Whether you talk about it in a Family Meeting or not, I would also encourage relatives to give experiences instead of physical gifts, something to look forward to in the future.  As kids get to be tweens and teens lots of families start in on the gift-card-exchange bandwagon because it’s easy and it’s something, but a special lunch with grandma could be more meaningful.  If grandma lives far away, get creative and have a Zoom lunch where grandma picks the menu and sends it ahead of time for them to eat together.  One of our family friends took our boys to Petroglyphs every year to paint a Christmas plate.  It was so special. 

If you have a difficult time with relatives who give an overwhelming number of gifts and they are NOT present at the holiday, then I’d encourage you to spread the gift opening out over time so that your kids aren’t overwhelmed and wind up ignoring the thoughtfulness of those who kindly shopped for them.

Large Families and Groups
The last category I wanted to touch on is large family groups and ideas about what to do.  I’m from a very large family and money was always tight which made gifts such a challenge.  However, I know lots of other people with extended families they feel they have to not only buy presents for everyone in the group but have to compete to give more expensive gifts than they can afford.  Here are some ideas for those of you in similar situations.  My first idea is to encourage moving everyone to pulling names from a hat and having a spending limit set.

As my family grew, we started out with pulling names but moved on to that Gift Exchange where we all brought the same dollar value gift and picked numbers to open gifts and could choose to steal from others or open a new gift.  Other families do White Elephant where you all bring something you have that you’re not using anymore and wrap it up and do the same number picking. 

When my siblings and I all started having kids, we all agreed that there wouldn’t be any sibling gifts, just gifts for the nieces and nephews.  Later, even the nieces and nephews drew names so there weren’t so many gifts.  Lastly, my siblings and I all decided we would save our money and go out to dinner or an event as a group later on the next year.  We were able to have some really fun experiences in the name of Christmas months after Christmas was over. 

The point of all of this is to bring some fun and creativity into the gift giving, to create memories of joy instead of a drudge of buying for 10 or 20 or 30 people presents they probably don’t really need or, sometimes, even want.
 
Fun Theme Holiday Giving
The last category I wanted to mention whether you use it for your immediate family or extended family is setting up a “theme” for your holiday where everyone participating uses that theme for giving.  You can do any of these with the Gift Exchange Swap I just mentioned. 

Here’s a quick list:
  • Board games
  • Books
  • DIY gifts – handmade by YOU
  • Event tickets
  • Gift cards/certificates
  • Handmade items – bought locally or online
  • Local products only
  • Movies and/or movie-themed gifts
  • Personalized items
  • Puzzles
  • Specialty food
  • Ugly Christmas sweaters
  • Wine and wine-themed gifts
  • Made in the USA
  • Anything blue (or whatever color you choose)​
Any of these ideas could make for some good laughs and memories. 

Say THANKS
Whatever happens with your family and gift giving make sure that if you or your child receive gifts that you all write letters of thanks to go with them.  These days even though an email of thanks is getting more acceptable, I still favor old-fashioned, hand-written notes.  It’s your job as a parent to model thanks as well as giving. 
​
I hope and pray some of these ideas will allow you to make any season of giving and receiving less stressful and more heartfelt.  It does take extra time and effort to set things up sometimes but it’s that extra effort than can make all the difference.
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Podcast 22: Gratitude vs. Entitlement

11/19/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​​

With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching we often drift to evaluate our parenting and ask ourselves if we’re raising children who are thankful.  Are we? 
 
Kids are self-centered from the get-go, no doubt about it. We have to teach them to be grateful for all that they have, all that we give them.  But, how on earth do we do that when there's so much taking and so little giving going on around us?  

First, I want to talk about entitlement – what it is and how it can grow out of control.  Then I’ll go over ideas on how to nurture an attitude of gratitude in your home.
 
Entitlement begins when we forget that our extracurricular activities and things that we have are privileges, not expectations. 
 
Simply put, it means that a person expects to be handed everything in life without having to work for it. They expect to treated better, they expect to have the best things and they expect others to provide it for them, because for one reason or another, they unrealistically think they deserve it.
 
Typically, we think of entitled children who are living on their parents’ couch in their 20’s, the ones who never get a job and won’t move out.  Right? They have all the internet they can possibly use, free food in the fridge and parents that cook and clean for them so there’s no need move out when there are only crummy jobs available anyway. 
 
That certainly sounds like an entitled child but, hey, what about if you have a younger child, maybe even a toddler.  What might that entitled child look like?  Hmmm….
In her book,  The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic, Amy McCready describes a younger child that needs everything her way, can only see her own needs, and doesn’t take ownership over her needs and wants. We always want to believe that’s not our kid.  In her book you come to realize that entitlement comes in the form of time and attention we give it’s not just materialistic things. You see, our kids demand our attention. They need us. They want us. They will do anything in their power to keep our attention and not allow us any time to ourselves.  Ouch… we might be making entitled kids after all even from an early age.  Let’s talk about a few ways to recognize entitlement in our homes.  I’m going to go over examples of 5 areas to look at:
  1. Giving instant gratification
  2. Rewards are expected­
  3. Boundaries are not respected
  4. Life is supposed to be “Fair”
  5. Providing constant entertainment

ENTITLEMENT AREAS
Let’s go into more detail on each of these areas of concern.
  1. Giving instant gratification
    • Every time our kids want something and we give it to them they come to expect whatever it is – a toy, a sandwich, picking them up, waking them up in the morning, picking up their clothes, giving them your phone while at a restaurant, tying their shoes, When our kids are shopping and they see a toy and have to have it NOW and we give in, that turns into entitlement.  They come to expect it.  Our whole society is becoming dominated by getting everything now, now, now.
  2. Rewards are expected­
    • Giving money for chores and paying for good grades can easily fall into this category but so is going out for ice cream after your child has behaved nicely at grandmas or the doctor or wherever.  When our kids EXPECT to get rewarded, it’s not a reward and will lead to a child feeling entitled to that “reward”.  To see if you have an entitled child run this experiment, try withholding the reward and see what their reaction is.
  3. Boundaries are not respected
    • Lots of parents try to set boundaries but then their kids ignore them.  Why should they have to go to sleep at a certain hour or get off electronics?  Mom and dad always say that I should get off, but they never make me so why should I believe them when I really want to play more.  The expectation is that mom and dad can be ignored.
    • I don’t feel like sitting in my chair during dinner so I’m going to get up and play.  Mom always runs after me with food, so I’ll never starve.  I hate vegetables anyway. 
    • You can tell if this is a problem area for you by asking yourself, “Who’s running this show?”
  4. Life is supposed to be “Fair”
    • Our kids get the impression that just because their friend got a new set of boots or maybe a new iPhone, doll, Lego set, whatever, that they should too.  “It’s not fair!” is declared in many homes.  Entitled kids think that life’s supposed to always be fair.  My friend was telling me how her 7th grader was complaining that his best friend just got a brand-new iPhone, but he not only got an older and cheaper model phone he also had to pay for half of it.  It’s not fair is what he told his mom.   Mom is practicing empathy and going braindead with: “I know…” and “That’s so sad…”
  5. Providing constant entertainment
    • We program our kids to think they should be entertained 24/7, that mom and dad should make sure there are things to do for them all the time.  It could be sports, music or art lessons, playing in the park, playing Legos at home, playdates with friends or, heaven forbid, playing with electronics.  If there is a pause or silence, the void is expected to be filled by the parents.
 
In a society so concerned with building self-esteem, we often get it completely backwards and it backfires into entitlement. You don’t build self-esteem by praise and flattery. This actually breeds entitlement and selfishness. Instead, self-esteem is built by teaching responsibility and a sense of accomplishment and gratitude can grow from there.

WHAT TO DO
So, what’s a parent to do?  How can we raise grateful kids? 
If you want to raise grateful kids in an entitled world, you have to make sure you’re modeling a heart of gratitude.  I’m going to go over a long list of ideas, pick a few different that resonate with you now then expand the list over time!
 
MODEL IT
  1. Stop complaining.  Yep, this one is about you.  Our kids watch us like hawks from a very early age.  If every time something goes wrong in our lives, we complain about it, they will learn to complain as well.  Most of us don’t even realize that our complaining is an example of entitlement. Whether you’re complaining about traffic, the weather, a crummy boss or not being able to go on vacation, cut back your complaining.
  2. Reframe things in a positive way and give empathy that life’s not fair
    • When we do have disappointments, which will happen every day, show your kids how we can reframe them in the positive.
    • It’s a rainy day and we can’t play outside.  How disappointing.  Maybe we can make some hot chocolate and play a game.
    • Gosh, there’s so much traffic out here, it sure can be frustrating.   Maybe we can play a spelling game as we drive. 
    • I’m sorry your red shirt is in the washer.  It’s so fortunate you have so many other shirts to choose from.
    • Kelly got a new iPhone for her birthday?  Technology sure does change fast!  It sure would be fun to have all the latest and greatest gadgets but that’s not the way our family operates. 
    • Billy got a better grade than you did on the last test.  That sure is tough.  What can you do next time to do better? I love how you are getting smarter every year.  It sure is a challenge!
  3. Teach delayed gratification
    • It’s fine to address your child’s urgent needs like going to the bathroom or eating a meal.  However, when it comes to things they “want”, delay it.
    • Encourage your kids to have a “want” list going in your house.  Allow them to use their money to buy their own toys, the kind where they have to save up and remember to bring their money to the store in order to buy that precious toy.  Listen to my Money podcast to see how to set up how kids can earn money for their own rewards. 
  4. Teach the value of hard work and chores
    • By allowing our kids to help in chores they are more likely to appreciate efforts of others who are doing chores for them. 
    • Have your kids start chores at an early age so that they gain a respectful understanding that life consists of hard work and work that’s not always all that exciting.  My kids used to fold socks and set the table from an early age.  Starting early is easiest but if your kids are older and you haven’t given them any yet, start something.  Laundry is my favorite chore to give kids since it only affects them.  Check out my Chores podcast for more ideas.
  5. Set healthy boundaries and say NO
    • Our kids need to have healthy boundaries and know that when we say NO, we mean NO.  Lots of kids are always whining and pushing on us to get us to do things because they know if they push long and hard enough that sometimes they’ll give in.  It actually gives them peace of mind to know what the rules and limits are as long as we set loving rules and limits.  In my Family Meetings podcast I talk about how to set Family Rules in a loving and team-like manner.  One rule I love is when families let kids know that when they get up from the dinner table it signals that they are done with dinner.  Their plates are quickly cleared to demonstrate the rule even if the child hasn’t eaten much.  They’re welcome to have carrots but dinner is done. 
  6. Teach your kids about money
    Teaching your kids about money can help keep the “entitlement syndrome” at bay rather than feeling like everything should be handed to your kids.  Listen to my podcast about Money and learn all sorts of tips for getting gratitude into your kids’ lives through saving and giving in addition to spending. 
  7. Do a charity project.  You can do something as simple as helping out a neighbor. It doesn't have to be large but as your kids grow the projects you choose can grow too.  For years my family made bag lunches for the homeless and wrapped gifts at Family Giving Tree. Yes, I had to set it up and I’d try to gather other families with kids the same ages but, we did it.  We did it regularly.   A friend was telling me how his family of 5 boys always went out with their church to clean up a highway with Adopt-a-Highway once a month.  If you’re family loves the beach, do a beach cleanup either with or without an organized group. 
  8. Expand your family’s cultural experiences.  Encourage relationships and exposure to other cultures, lifestyles and economic levels.  When my son was in high school, I insisted we go build houses with our church in places of extreme poverty in Mexico.  My other son and I went to a remote village in Guatemala and helped with a medical mission.  But no one needs to go across any borders to expose their families to something that’s different.  Most of us can go just across town.  Find ways to explore.  Go to cultural festivals.  Learn about different religions or ethnicities or points of view.
  9. Practice acts of kindness together to teach empathy. We have two kids in our neighborhood who walk the dogs of an elderly couple who can’t walk them as much as they used to.  I fix soup for my elderly neighbor and pick up her paper when she’s not feeling well.  I gather the young families at my church together to pick up trash in local parks a few times a year.  Kids love to help and help with joy when we’re all together modeling the joy of giving back.
  10. Use gratitude in your daily conversations.   Some families have each person keep a gratitude journal and write three things a day in it.  I did this with my youngest and it was helpful in resetting his frame of mind.  It wasn’t a quick fix though, it needed to be modeled for a long time.  Other families go around the dinner table on Sunday nights and take turns saying things they are grateful for.  Still other families do that every night at bedtime.  It’s up to you.  Set it up. Do it.
  11. Don’t give rewards all the time.  This is super important.  Rewards are fine as long as they aren’t expected.  Your expectations for a standard for behavior should be high and every once in a while, it’s fine to go out for ice cream to celebrate some event but not every time. If your child ever starts expecting a reward it means that you’ve gone overboard as a parent and might need to dial it back. 
  12. Limit gifts – When kids expect to have all the latest toys and gadgets each holiday or birthday, we’re creating entitled kids.  I will talk more in my next podcast about gift-giving, but I want to mention one family who put really great rules around their gifts to entitle-proof their family.  Each family member gets four things for the holidays: something to wear, something to read, something they want and something they need. So simple!  I love it. 
  13. Donate!  Be generous!  Have your kids donate their old clothes and toys they grow out of.  It's easier for us to pack them up and ship them out but resist the urge, have them participate.  I love how some families before birthday or holidays make room for new things by clearing out things no longer used.  One family I know has a family rule where for every toy that comes in the house, one goes out.  That would be tough for me to do but I love that family’s commitment to not allowing our materialistic society get the better of their kids. 
  14. Write Thank You notes. Every child should write personal Thank Yous for gifts and experiences.  If grandma and grandpa took them to the zoo, have them write a thank you.  I even taught my boys to make the cards and over time learned to address and stamp them too. 
 

I love this list that Mandy posted on her blog called Motherhood Maniac that I think helps get us into a mindset of gratitude:
 
What every child needs to know
  • Money doesn’t grow on trees.
  • If you want money, you work for it.
  • You may have to save up for big-ticket items.
  • Everything in life is earned, money, power and respect.
  • There are people who have it worse than them. 
  • Responsibility starts with them.
  • You aren’t going to always be there to bail them out.
  • Life is not fair.
I just love how that list sounds.  If we are able to accomplish those things, our kids will be in good shape and be able to have an Attitude of Gratitude. 

If you’d like some practical ideas about gratitude activities you can do with your family head to my Parenting Decoded Pinterest board on Gratitude.  I’ll put a link to it in the show notes as well as a link to a list of picture books to read with younger kids on thankfulness and gratitude. 
PINTEREST BOARD ON GRATITUDE

20 FAVORITE THANKSGIVING BOOKS

Final thoughts: Practice patience.  Gratitude takes years of practice so we as parents need to practice patience and keep modeling for them.  Do it over and over in lots of different ways.  It will make a lifetime of difference. 
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Podcast 21: To Quit or Not to Quit

10/25/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​​

It seems that many parents have to cross the threshold of their child wanting to quit an activity.  It could be piano, basketball, soccer, violin, clarinet, tutoring, gymnastics, karate, whatever.  Sometimes it's just private lessons that only impact your child.  Other times, quitting impacts a whole a team which adds a dimension of guilt either by your child or maybe you especially if you’re the coach and your child no longer wants to play. In this podcast we’re going to talk about things to consider when running up against this issue in your own home then we will go over some real-life situations to make all a little more real.

I just want to start out saying that the reason this is so tough is because there IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.  Yep, you really have to take lots of things into consideration, it's not a one-stop-shop.  David Elkind, author of The Hurried Child has some helpful ideas for parents who are dealing with children who they think might be wanting to quit an activity. 
  1. Children under the age of nine don’t have a clear sense of what they want.  We should let them keep testing out different interests.  Don’t get too resistant to your child is wanting to move on, be there to help them figure out how to try other activities instead.  When my boys were little there were some soccer games where some kids picked more daisies in the field than ran, however, it didn’t mean they were terrible kids, they just plain weren’t interested.  One kid moved on to piano where he was amazing and he still plays to this day more than 15 years later.

  2. Dr. Elkind agrees that just because a child wants to quit one thing doesn’t typically mean they want to quit everything all the time. Don’t panic when your child wants to quit something. 

  3. We can’t really force our kids to love something they truly don’t.  Trying to force kids to do an activity they truly hate can make them develop anxiety and make them even more reluctant to try other activities in the long run so be careful of pushing too hard.  When kids are embarrassed at their lack of performance in front of others their anxiety can easily snowball to many other areas of their life.

  4. You need to involve your kids in the decision-making process but also bear in mind that kids tend to want to do EVERYTHING.  Don’t let your kid’s enthusiasm in the moment allow you to overcommit them only to have to back out later.  Karate or a new soccer team might sound so fun to do with friends but when you already have basketball and gymnastics with other friends it might be a bit much even if they promise to keep up with their schoolwork, chores and other activities.  Keep in mind what’s a reasonable amount of activities for your child.  Maybe 3 sports and after school Kumon for math tutoring and violin is too much.  I know this sounds like a lot, but in Silicon Valley with our high-pressure environment, it’s not unheard of.  

  5. With older kids, negotiate how long a period they will try a new activity before giving up.  It does take time to master skills so don’t let them give up too early just because things get hard. Brainstorm with them to see if there are other issues involved or other ways you can help them over the hard parts.  One family negotiated up front that their son would play an entire season of soccer but he could quit soccer if he didn’t like it after the season was finished.  This worked out well since mom was one of the coaches. 

  6. You do want to check in to see if kids want to quit because they are over scheduled, fatigued, or bored with an activity they’ve been doing too long or if they simply need more time to relax and regroup.  One family who poured in years of hard work on the baseball field was shocked when their son gave it all up in his senior year of high school to pursue golf.  That was a hard pill to swallow but he did move on to another sport, he didn’t stop moving.   I do want to point out that in today’s world we have to be aware if our kids want to quit something just to stay home to play video games.  Allow them to choose wisely what they do with their newfound extra time if you know what I mean.
 
I know you all like it when I make my podcasts more real so I’m going to tell you a few things about my journey with quitting as a parent. It wasn’t always easy and whining is never fun but things can turn out fine in the long run.  Here are some things I thought about when my  boys wanted to quit piano in early elementary school.
  • How miserable is your child and your family with the whining and complaining?
    • Yes, I'm being totally honest.  This was a hot button for me.  Every week we had to nudge and cajole our kids to practice before the next lesson.  My one son loved his instructor but never wanted to practice.  It's good not to give up too quickly since sometimes a child struggles when things get harder and they really can push through and get to a better place.  However, sometimes it is a true lack of interest, talent or there are other competing issues.  With my younger son after a year of whining we agreed to switch teachers to someone more “fun” with “fun” music selections.  After another year that pretty much went through the same pattern.  We had had enough.  We agreed we were done.  Some families do things like we did where you switch instructors, use rewards, modify schedules for breaks or practice and you really should try lots of those things.  I tried many of those things but they didn't last long.  Don't give up just because I did on piano, but think about it.  

  • Who chose the activity in the first place?
    • In my case, it was me who really wanted the piano lessons, something I never got as a kid.   My boys were ok signing up for lessons when we started, they were even excited.  But, I shouldn’t have been surprised if they didn’t like it yet I am really glad I had them try it.

  • Is there a natural stopping point to exit gracefully?
    • In sports there is often a team that your child will be disappointing if they quit mid-season.  In our case with piano, we didn't have a team, just our son.  We figured out a good time to quit and just quietly ended the lessons.  Later on, in high school, our son wanted to quit band in the middle of a season.  Ouch.  That was a tough one.  After meeting with the director and discussing things with lots of emotion and anguish, we agreed that, although it was a hard decision for him to make, one that had lots of consequences, he could live with it.  Having loving people around you when decisions that are hard is what being a good parent is all about, that was the role my husband and I played.  EMPATHY is the best tool at times like these.  

  • When one ends, choose another
    • I love it when a family agrees to end one activity and as part of the brainstorming they allow and/or help the child pick a new activity to try.  Be careful not to let your child give up activities only to replace them with electronics or other sedentary activities like I said before.  In my house the boys got to choose their activities but they had to choose something, not nothing (aka electronics).  

I use my piano story here but want to let you know that it wasn't my only parenting journey into lessons that involved quitting or moving on.  I had a star soccer player who, after investing in goalie lessons in addition to club teams and such, decided he wanted to play basketball.  No problem, we moved on to basketball school teams and club teams in addition to shooting lessons.  It worked!  He was great!  But then he went off to college and he got totally hooked on rock climbing and never picked up a basketball.  What's the theme?  He's active and athletic.  Yeah!  He does play electronics but at least he has the bigger picture of taking care of his health and he truly enjoys being active.  

It was worth all those lessons and all that whining.  He wasn't a quitter; he was exploring life and we helped him on his journey by brainstorming and problem solving these issues when we came upon them.  It wasn't always easy but life wasn't meant to be.


In retrospect, would I have done things differently?  No.  My journey worked out just fine.  My boys moved on to start and stop many interests over the years.  They didn’t stop learning and growing but did take a big pause with music.  The happy ending was that when both our kids got to middle and high school, they both knew enough music to do really fun things with it.  One even got to go to march in the Obama inaugural parade and both were in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as percussionists.  Today, one son is even writing his own music, investing his own money in lessons and equipment.  Their journey wasn’t a quitter's journey and neither was mine.

I hope you found this all encouraging as you are challenged with kids who want to quit.  
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Podcast 20: Calming the Chaos with Boundaries and Limits

10/3/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​​

Our kids are smart.  They really know how to manipulate us into getting what they want – crying, whining, nagging, having tantrums, giving us the silent treatment.  It can be overwhelming.  In my last podcast we were learning how to use choices early to avoid power struggles from the get-go.  In this podcast we’re going to follow along that positive path by using another technique that is a companion to choices – setting boundaries and limits. 
 
Sometimes, without realizing it, we put our kids in the driver seat.  We think they know what they should do, and by golly, they do the opposite.  Take eating dinner for example.  We put them at the table and give them food.  We expect them to sit and eat it.  However, after 2-3 minutes they hop on out of their seats to get a toy to play with.  We, in an effort to make sure they don’t go hungry or become malnourished, run after them with a fork or spoon to try to get them to eat another bite.  Or we put them back in their seat with threats and yelling but it happens all over again.  So frustrating, right? 

Or how about your child playing on electronics?  You tell them they have 30 minutes to play a game and they never get off.  If they do, you’ll find them sneaking some extra time in here or there. 

Why does this happen in our homes?  How do we get it to stop?

Kids Need Rules
It’s been pretty well documented that kids do better in life when there are safe and loving boundaries, but boundaries have problems. 
  1. Boundaries are Undefined
  2. Boundaries are Too Flexible
  3. Boundaries have Too Much Negativity
  4. Boundaries have no Consequences
  5. Too Many Boundaries
 
How to Set Good Boundaries
  1. Define the Boundaries
    Be up front!  If something is important to you then even be willing to write it down and explain it if you need to.  Make a poster.  Make a list of family rules!
    • Electronics are charged in the kitchen
    • We brush teeth twice a day.
    • Backpacks belong in the mud room.

  2. Make it positive!
    I love how Love and Logic calls boundaries “loving limits”.  You want to tell your kids what they CAN do, not what they CAN’T do.  Removing that air of negativity from your home as much as possible is such a breath of fresh air and helps to combat our negative tendencies.
    • I serve snacks to children who have washed their hands.
    • I let kids play computer games who’ve finished the dishes.
    • Kids can play with daddy when he comes home from work who have picked up all their toys.
    • You’re welcome to ride your bike with a bike helmet.
    • I read books to kids who are ready for bed by 8:15
    • I help kids with their math homework who are treating me with respect.
    • I drive kids to soccer practice who have their gear bag packed.
    • I let kids drive a car who are paying for half the insurance.

  3. Have Consequences 
    If you’re using positive statements, then there is usually an implied consequence.  Like kids who don’t do the dishes, not getting to play computer games.   Or kids who aren’t ready for bed by 8:15, won’t get books read to them.  Kids need to know what will happen if they choose to disobey you.

  4. Be Consistent
    This is a tough one for lots of parents.  If you set a rule, it needs to be followed through on.  Saying that you serve dinner from 6 to 6:30 then you only enforce it 70% of the time because one kid has been up and down getting in and out of their seat and hasn’t finished their dinner yet so you’re worried they haven’t had enough to eat, sends the message that the rule isn’t the rule. The kids aren’t even confused, to tell you the truth, they know you’re just kidding when you set a rule, that you have no backbone and your rules don’t need to be obeyed.  If dinner really ends at 6:30pm, you need to end dinner.  If you’re kids aren’t supposed to be riding bikes without helmets then, if they do, you need to lock up the bikes which is such a natural consequence to their choice to ride without one.

  5. Be Reasonable
    I mentioned that it’s great to make a list of Family Rules but be careful not create so many rules that the kids feel they don’t have choices and will start to rebel.  It’s best if you can incorporate ways for our kids to have a feedback loop especially when setting up new rules as your kids grow.  I did a podcast on Family Meetings and that is an amazing place to set and review Family Rules.  It’s podcast #17 if you want to go and review it.

  6. Be Calm and Loving
    When letting our kids know about the limits we have, we need to state them calmly using love and empathy and we need to respond to them in the same way if we get grief from them.  “I don’t want to wash my hands!” or “That’s a stupid idea, Mom!” might be responses to your positive, calm requests.  If that happens, which I’m sure it will, use empathy and love and the classic “I knoooooowwww” in a boring but loving tone.  Kids aren’t going to like every limit we set.  Your remaining calm will bring peace to the whole process.  You can always talk with your child at later time to ask for feedback if you get too much grief but not in the moment when their emotions are activated. 
 
That’s basically it.  Use limits in a loving way and you’ll avoid lots of power struggles with your kids before they start.  Choices will help give them some control over things you don’t care about and adding loving boundaries and limits helps smooth out communication as to what is expected in our homes.  Using words with positive and loving actions seals the deal to helping your family grow in a positive and healthy way.

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Podcast 19: Calming the Chaos with Choices

9/21/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​

Do you feel like you’re always battling your child?   You tell them to do something and you immediately get a “no” followed by whining and complaining or outright defiance?  A simple request that turns into a war is enough to send us over the edge sometimes. 

In this article we’re going to talk about how to avoid power struggles by using a secret weapon -- Choices!


Battle for Control
When our kids are putting up a big fuss, whether it’s about going to bed or getting off electronics, they push our buttons so quickly that our brains go into resistance mode and we allow ourselves to be pulled into a power struggle.  We want the best for our kids and we know how to get it to them efficiently and effectively so they should just do what we say.  Some of us are extra frustrated because when we were kids, we didn’t give our own parents such grief and that thought makes US even more frustrated with this whole situation. 

We’ve talked a lot about helicopter parents in my previous podcasts but now I want to talk about another type: Drill Sergeants. Parents who always want to tell their kids what and how to do things are called “Drill Sergeants”.  Kids of drill sergeants grow up feeling they’re not listened to and their opinions don’t count.  They are ignored. 

Well, for parents who want to raise kids who are followers that might work well.  But who is really trying to do that?  Anyone?  No way, our society tells us we’re supposed to be raising leaders, right?  Now I do want to mention that most of us fluctuate between being a helicopter parent and a drill sergeant depending on the circumstance, our kids’ mood and our mood.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of but it is something to be aware of.  It’s when we switch into our drill sergeant mode that our kids start joining the army to battle anything coming their way.  Yikes!

What’s a parent to do?  Shut down our natural drill sergeant tendencies and bring choices into play.  We should give away control as much as possible especially about things we don’t really care about and as many times a day as we possibly can.  Allowing our kids lots of choices gives them the power over their lives that they are seeking.  It not only will build confidence about their ability to make decisions but also reassure them that they can control some things in life.  It’s soothing to not only their hearts and minds but also to your mind and spirit.  Who wants to go through life feeling like we have to battle our kids at every turn?

One thing to note is that you need to give choices when things are going well, before any power struggle erupts.  How do you do that? 

Offer Playful Choices When Young
When kids are little, I find that parents can have a lot of fun offering playful choices that help to serve as distractions that wind up easily preventing battles.

Here’s a classic drill sergeant parenting move: It’s time to go to bed.  Please go change and get ready.

Often, you get the classic answer: No!  I don’t want to go to bed!

In this case, emotion is already engaged so you’ve got a battle on your hands.  So, what can you do instead BEFORE any resistance happens? 

Try this:
“It’s time to go to bed…” and then offer some of these options:
  • Would you like to walk backwards to your bedroom or hop on one foot?
    Would you like to race daddy or mommy back to the bedroom?
  • Would you like to take a bath first or brush your teeth first?
  • Would you like to brush your top teeth first or your bottom teeth?
  • Would you like to wear your pajamas tonight to bed or put on your clothes for tomorrow so you don’t have to do in the morning?
  • Would you like to go to bed in 5 minutes or 15 minutes? (knowing full well that 15 is your goal)
  • Would you like to read one book or two? (knowing you are prepared to read two!)

Offer Just Two Options
Notice how I’m giving just two choices, not a huge menu.  You want to focus the options to be things that you’re ok with.  Just like the time for going to bed I offered two times that I liked – 5 minutes or 15 minutes.  If an hour isn’t an option, then I don’t offer it. You also don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you’re waiting for a response. 

Decide for Them If They Can’t Decide
Choices, when offered, should be decided within 5-10 seconds.  If it takes longer, you’re being held for ransom, so you need to go ahead and decide for your child.  It’ll sound something like:
“Oh, this is so sad.  It looks like you’re having trouble deciding.  I’m going to give you a bath before books.  I’m sure tomorrow night you’ll be able to choose on our own.”

Now some kids might have a tantrum at the prospect of you choosing for them but you need to brace yourself for that and give them empathy and love but their time to choose has passed.  This might seem crazy at first but after a few rounds of this your child will know that if they really want some control over things in their lives, they’ll have to do it on a timely basis. 

You just keep churning out the choices when things are calm.  One thing is certain, if a kid’s brain is triggered into an emotional battle, choices won’t work.  Their brain is “off” so don’t start trying to load in choices right then.    Sometimes we try to fix things by using choices like a kid having a tantrum over what you’re serving for dinner: “Oh, you don’t like the chicken nuggets for dinner?  How about mac n cheese or spaghetti?”  When your kids are upset, let them be upset.  Give them love and empathy and maybe a few hugs until their emotions have settled down and then, and only then, would you try to solve the problem and might offer some choices to do that.  “Wow, I can tell you were upset earlier about having chicken nuggets.  That’s so sad.  Tomorrow would you like spaghetti or mac n cheese?”  This is all assuming you don’t mind having spaghetti or mac n cheese for dinner. 

Teens and Choices
Those of you who have older kids might say to yourselves that those fun-filled choices of hopping and skipping to bed or the car for are beyond you and you might just be right.  However, your battles can be bigger, can’t they?  Those tweens and teens really want control over their lives.  When kids don’t have control, they can set the whole house into a tailspin of tension and mistrust that can make every day miserable.  To counter that tendency, as kids grow, we need to transition them to making more and more decisions so they are prepared for the real world.  You aren’t protecting them from anything by being over protective and restraining them.

You need to up your game by allowing them more choices that are more advanced.  Here are some examples,
  • Instead of, “go brush your teeth” you give them a choice of brushing their teeth twice a day or paying for extra cleanings.  
  • Instead of dealing with a stinky teen who won’t bathe, let them know they are welcome to shower either before dinner or in the morning, dinner or breakfast will be served accordingly.
  • Instead of doing their laundry for them and demanding they bring you their dirty clothes, let them know they can do their laundry on Saturday when you’re not using the machine or after 5pm during on Mondays.  In that example, notice you’re not only giving choices but you’re helping them with a life lesson in laundry.
  • Instead of hearing them complain about what you’re cooking for dinner, ask them which day they’d like to make dinner, Monday night or Sunday.
  • Would they like take out the trash before dinner or after dinner?
  • Would they like to use their laptop in the kitchen or the dining room?  (notice their bedroom isn’t an option)
  • Would they like help with your to help with math or would they like to have a study group?
  • Would they like to join a soccer team or a baseball team?

Not Everything is a Choice
I do want to let you know that you don’t need to make a choice about everything.   Brushing teeth in most families isn’t a matter of a choice but allowing them to pick electric or hand brushing or which toothpaste or what timer to use to know they’ve brushed long enough can all be options offered as choices.  You get to choose the topics that can have choices. 

In a previous podcast, I talked about a mom who was having trouble getting her kids to wear their helmets when bike riding.  It’s a safety issue that’s non-negotiable.  The only choice I would offer would be do you want to ride with a helmet or not ride a bike?  That’s more like a threat.  I’ll talk in my next podcast about how to use well defined boundaries in situations like that instead of choices so stay tuned for that. 

Resistance to Choices – How to Handle It
Now there are lots of you regular listeners who tell me that choices are amazing, but they don’t always work.  Maybe they work with one child but your other child just likes “no” a little too much.  Here are some tips:

  1. If they won’t choose quickly enough or want to make their own options, hold fast and let them know they can choose next time, but you go ahead and choose for them this time.
  2. If you’re consistent then they know you’ll be true to your word.  Give them empathy if they start giving a major fuss that they don’t like the options given.  Feel free to go brain dead and say “I knooooooow” as a response.   It’s ok for our kids not to like all our choices so we need to make sure we keep our emotions in check in the event our kids don’t like our choices.  Saying something like: “This is so sad.  That’s not one of the choices right now.  I’m happy to let you choose something else at a different time.”  Then you go ahead and pick one of the choices.  Don’t let getting grief from your child throw you off. 
  3. If your child really won’t choose and a major battle still ensues, I’d recommend you go listen to Podcast 10 on Consequences and Punishments.  You’ll get a lot of ideas on how to react in a calm and loving manner. 
  4. Feel free to email me as well or connect with me on Facebook.  I love brainstorming with parents their challenging situations!

Using choices and giving kids lots of practice with making decisions is super healthy.  As kids learn to trust that you value their opinion and hear what they have to say, their self-worth and self-esteem can grow and blossom.  You will see your child empowered and wanting to cooperate instead of going to battle with you.  In the end, you’ll be looking for more ways to give your child choices.
​
Bottomline: use choices, use them often, use them with just a few options that you like.
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Podcast 18: Distance Learning During COVID

8/31/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​
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I'm not sure what to say about living through history at this moment in time.  I live in California where virtually all schools are doing remote learning.  I know my podcast reaches outside of California so hopefully not everyone has to deal with all the issues I’m going to talk about.  We never expected to be having distanced learning due to a worldwide pandemic.  We certainly have to get through to the other side and we will get through it.  This article is meant to give you some food for thought in setting up your family for success with remote learning.

You all know I love practical parenting so I’m going to start with the physical setup ideas of how to get things running smoothly then move on to things like setting up routines, family rules and how to keep things fun and flexible. 

Let’s dive in!
​
Lots of you have already started your distanced learning this school year so just listen for some ideas to make adjustments if you’ve got some bumpy areas going.
 
1 - Physical LEARNING AREA
  • Organize - I’m sure your school has already recommended you set up a quiet and organized area for your student with a desk and chair, not a bed.  Having bins or shelves with supplies can really help keep things organized so your child doesn’t get frustrated trying to find different items.  If at all possible, you want to make sure the table height and chair height are appropriate for the size of your child.  Kids sitting in adult-sized chairs for long periods of time can be really uncomfortable and distract from learning.  If you’re on a limited budget, ask your school if you can borrow a desk for the duration of online learning. 
 
  • Get rid of distractions – One of the biggest helps for learning at home is to get rid of distractions, meaning toys and stuff, from the work area. 

    One family I work with has the option of having their kids in their bedrooms with a desk and supplies.  To prepare, they spent the week before school clearing out any visible toys from around the study area.  Their son loves Legos so that meant not only Legos off the floor but also off the shelves and out of the room.

    Another family with a 1st grade daughter found that even though she was blessed to have her own room that it wasn’t going to work for them.  It was too hard to pack up all her toys and too far away from mom watching over her.  They got creative and set up a workspace on the dining table using one of those tri-fold poster boards to create her own little cubby area.  They even had her decorate it.  She had all of her supplies nearby but also a buffer from things like anyone else in the house walking by.  If your child is in a public space, you might want to try to build a cardboard barrier like that.

Lastly, you also need minimize other types of distractions like the family pets and siblings who are babies or toddlers who might cause disruptions not only for your student but for the entire online classroom.  Your child’s teacher will often help manage some distractions but please, please discuss not having excess noises like eating, doing dishes, vacuuming, cooking and such going on while your student is learning and trying to concentrate. 


  • Provide quiet and focus – Next we’re going to talk about how to get a quiet environment.  Lots of families are using headphones to block out noises from the home while helping to keep kids focus.  I love the idea.  If you have the flexibility, have your child select the headphones. If they aren’t comfortable, you might try different types or figure out another location in your house that they can be alone and not have to have headphones on. 

    I talked to a mom who felt it odd that she can’t hear what’s going on in her daughter’s classroom since the headphones block out what the teacher is teaching and what other students are saying. She’d really like to listen in, but she had to remind herself that if this was a real classroom, she wouldn’t be able to do that.  We do need to trust our teachers and let our kids know we are here to assist, not to attend school with them. 

If you have an older student, you might run into this other issue with headphones.  One student objected to their very functional headphones because they didn’t look cool enough, so she didn’t want to use them, but it disrupted the whole family when she didn’t since her sister and parents were also all working from home.  What do you do with that?  We should show empathy for that child and allow them to use their own money to purchase any other headphones they deem more appropriate.  You provide the basics is what I’d recommend and allow them the flexibility to use their own money to upgrade if they want to. 


  • Moving around – Now some families are finding that their kids need to have different locations through the day or week to keep things fresh.  It’s really hard for kids to sit in one place for a long time so they are getting out of their chairs and wandering when things get boring or hard.  Maybe they do online in one location but do their required reading on their bed or a comfortable chair.
    • If you have multiple kids who need some variety in location, set up a schedule of who goes where and when.  Maybe one location is the kitchen table and another is more private.  If both kids want the same location feel free to ask them how they’d like to rotate – daily, weekly or maybe even throughout the day.  Let them have input if at all possible.  You know I love Family Meetings and this could be a topic for your family. 
    • If you have other areas of your home, feel free to use them as long as they are set up ahead of time. One family is working to figure out how to rotate to the backyard picnic table while the weather is still nice out for a few hours a day.  It might take some trial and error to figure out how long and what time of day, but it’s worth a try.  You allowing for flexibility in keeping kids engaged in fresh ways to learn is really helpful.

  • Charge devices - Keeping devices charged and ready to go is also super important.  When devices fail families get crazy stressed out with anxiety about missing out on work or being embarrassed that they aren’t online when everyone else is.  Many families are finding that chargers with extension cords or power strips that remain plugged in all day and night works best.  The rule should be:  If your kid is online, they should be plugged in.

  • Check video and audio connections – You also need to make sure video, audio and connectivity is working.  Someone should test all of these out probably 30 minutes before class starts in the morning.  If you have a child in 3rd grade or higher, they should be the one testing everything out.  If there are problems, work with them to train them on what was done to fix the problem.  Some schools have special hotlines set up for students and parents to call for technical assistance.  If you’re fortunate to have that support, have that number or web address printed out on a paper and posted somewhere really obvious so you can call or email without a struggle if you need outside help. With school starting up the this issue is probably the most stressful for just about every family I talked to.  Prepare for problems and know what you’ll do if they happen.

  • Keep online safety in mind – Now I want to talk about online safety.  If you’ve listened to my podcasts on Screen Time Issues, episodes 11 and 12, you know how highly I press home the point to keep all electronics in public places.  Well, for some of you with multiple kids learning at home in addition to adults working from home, you might have to compromise and let kids work in their bedrooms, sometimes even with the door closed.  In this difficult time we need to be flexible, I think it’s fine to revise some of those screen time rules but not to throw them out the window. 

    During the times of the day that online learning is happening, room time screen time is fine.  Once online learning is done, all devices come out of the rooms or get powered down.  If that doesn’t happen and you find your kid on YouTube or Fortnite, make sure you have consequences defined just like you have in the Digital Contract for your home that was talked about in the Screen Time podcasts. 
    I would also recommend letting everyone know that once we return to in-person learning that the family screen time rules will go back to being what they were with no screens in bedrooms.  Mention that every so once in a while so that it’s not a big shock when the rules are imposed again later on. 

    Just to let you know how serious this is, I already heard from one school that they had to deal with a 5th grade boy logging on to porn during class time.  Just imagine what can happen if you left the device in the bedroom day and night with no supervision. 

 
2 - ESTABLISH CLEAR ROUTINES
Now I want to move on to how to keep things running smoothly in your home through all of this by establishing clear routines so everyone knows what to expect, it’s not a jumble every day. 
  • DAILY SCHEDULE -Have a daily schedule not only for academics that most schools are already providing, but also for family routines.  When does everyone wake up?  Eat breakfast? Make it be as much like “real school” as possible.  You won’t have to get “out the door” but being “in your seat” and having guidelines for getting there is really helpful to everyone. Do the same for after school and bedtime routines so that things feel “normal”.

  • POST INFO - You might want to post their routines on a bulletin board or on the kitchen fridge so that they can, or you can, refer to them. 

  • WEEKLY SCHEDULE - In addition, have a weekly schedule to show assignments and assessments plus other fun activities both with school, family and friends.  Have your child make the schedule if at all possible.

  • I found a fun resource on Pinterest that I’ll include in the show notes that has blank daily and weekly schedules and even some useful signs to print out so your kids can let others know if they’re online or taking a test or on away from their computer. 

  • Next, set up regular CHECK-IN times with your child especially if they are in elementary school.  
    • Morning – it could just over breakfast
      • What subjects are today?
      • Any tests/assessments coming up?
      • What resources do you need?
      • What can mom/dad do to help?

    • End of Day – maybe right after online learning ends but could be at dinner or before bedtime
      • How far did you get in your tasks?
      • What did you discover?
      • What did you do great?  (“Glow”)
      • What was hard? (“Grow” opportunities)
      • What could we do to make tomorrow better?

    • Most reports I have from high school students and their parents is that the students are tracking their own schedules, but parents should still lovingly check in to see how things are going.
 
  • YOU NEED TO HELP WITH TIME – Another area to assist with time.  Time is a tricky thing.  If you’re too young to tell time, it can be stressful to know if you’re on time, if you’re older you can get distracted and not even look at a clock.  Using timers and alarms can be a godsend.  Figuring out if you need an alarm for a specific time like 8:30am to get online vs. setting a countdown timer that shows how much of a 90-minute session is left can be really helpful. 

    One family told me their son was so anxious about getting back online after lunch that he was short-changing himself time allocated to lunch.  Setting an alarm really helped him but a countdown timer that starts at noon and counts down for 60 minutes can work too.  Ask your child and experiment with what works for them.  You can get timers from Target or Amazon or download timer and alarm apps from the internet. 

3 – Another thing you want to do is ENCOURAGE INDEPENDENCE
  • There are a few things you can do to help to do that:
  • Let the teacher teach! Don’t assume you have to do the teaching.  Yes, you might answer a question or two, but you don’t need to learn how to teach algebra, that’s what the teacher is for.  
  • Let your child own their work.  The more you can let your child own their education, the better off everyone will be.  Training your child to take charge of their schedule, devices and school work is where we need to head.  Let them make mistakes and you be around to help problem solve.  From what I’ve heard kids who are 4th grade and older are doing pretty well understanding that their school is their school and they don’t need a parent hovering very much at all. 
  • Train them to ask their teacher. Let them ask the teacher for help, don’t step in and ask the teacher for them.  Show them how to ask for help, model it for them.  Model anything and everything they need to be successful.  Don’t do things for them, if at all possible.  If you feel that you need to talk to the teacher make sure your child is around to participate.

4 – SUPPORT FAMILY LEARNING
  • When school isn’t in session, try to look for creative opportunities to include learning in the rest of the day:
    • Cooking - Math/science/reading– measure things, fractions, weigh things, read recipes – make cookies, make dinner, make sourdough bread, just make anything and include your kids
    • Laundry – Math – count socks, matching, sorting like things
    • Gardening – science
    • Vacuuming or sweeping – PE!
    • Just have fun!

  • BOREDOM BUSTERS – It would also be helpful to have ideas ready in the event that things are going sideways with either learning or the environment.  If they can’t connect, make sure they know there are options of other things they can do.  Keep a list of those nearby so they are easy for them to find.  If they can’t read yet, make picture posters of ideas but the point is that you are prepared with things to do.  I’ll put a link to my Pinterest pages with activity ideas. 
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/boredom-busters/
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/kids-fun-indoor-activities/
https://www.pinterest.com/maryeschenparentingdecoded/activities-for-teens/
 
5 – LEAD YOUR TEAM THROUGH CHALLENGING TIMES
The last point I want to go over is tying in what some of you heard in Episode 17. I encouraged families to come together as a team to solve challenges, so burdens are shared and solutions celebrated.  We need to do this with distanced learning issues.  When problems arise, you need to lead your family team to solutions!  Here are some topics I’ve run across in my discussions with parents lately are probably affecting quite a few of you:
  • Quiet times – when are they?  When can people run the dishwasher or play music?
  • When can you interrupt mom/dad when they’re working?  Is it any time or a set time of day?
  • How are the interruptions done? Is there a signal?  One family has their kids slide a note under the office door to let dad know they need help.  Another family can see mom through a glass door into her office and stand quietly outside till mom can give them a hint about how long it will be till she can see them.
  • How are emotions handled? If there are problems that are serious, how can everyone keep their wits about them?  What can we put in place if the work gets hard for our kids to let off some steam?  Or if they’re bored?
  • Time with friends- is there a schedule?  A time limit? Can they meet their friends online or do they form a pod with a few other families so they can see each other in person?  What are the rules for meeting in person, how can it be safe?
  • Special time with parents per kid – when can each kid have some special time with mom or with dad?  What schedule can work for your family to make sure you have time to connect?

I want to tell you about a single mom who reached out to me at her wits end.  Her 5th grade son was getting so bored with his online school during the day that he’d constantly get up to get snacks, go to the bathroom, do art or Legos.  He wasn’t paying attention.  It was so frustrating for mom.  Now when we’re upset our brains often go offline and we just can’t even think straight.  After chatting with her for a while, it became obvious that she needed to set up a Family Meeting and go over some of these challenges.  They needed to solve them together.

The two of us brainstormed for a bit so that she’d have some ideas for the meeting.  We talked about if there were other locations rather than just the kitchen table that her son could be at where mom was also trying to work and couldn’t get anything done with her son roaming around.  They are in an apartment so there aren’t many options, but no one was using one of the bedrooms and there was also a balcony available.  Could they work something out so that he rotated to different areas throughout the day?  He also has a really great teacher and we talked about how they could enlist her help in either coming up with more challenging work or different ways to engage her son so that he doesn’t get so bored.  Also, maybe there are some quiet toys he can keep nearby that will keep him in his seat or how about a “no snacks till recess” rule?  It’ll be trial and error for a bit but at least they can be a team to tackle the boredom problem so that mom can get back to work and so can he. 


BE FLEXIBLE AND STAY IN TOUCH
The final and most important thing I want to go over is to do what you know is right for your child.  Some kids will be emotional roller coasters with anxiety.  Please be gentle and be flexible in this challenging time that none of us have ever been through before. Nobody expects parents to replace classroom teachers. And no one expects children to perfectly mimic a classroom situation at home.   Positive intentions, love, consistency, and grace will go a long way towards helping all of us survive this period of isolation and emerge as better people on the other side. Hang in there!

I hope this was helpful.  If you’d like to spend some time brainstorming your challenges with me, I’m happy to assist.  You can either email me at mary@parentingdecoded.com or join my Facebook Group called Parenting Decoded and post your issues there for others to learn from.  It’s a “private” group and if you have any trouble joining it, just email me.
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Podcast 17 - Calming the Chaos using Family Meetings

8/13/2020

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​Many of us struggle with kids who whine, disobey and maybe even lie just to get their way.  We get so exasperated we want to explode and some of us certainly do explode.  Our buttons are pushed and we just don’t know what to do.  In this podcast we’ll explore what happens in our families if we’re always operating in “crisis mode” then talk about ways to avoid ever getting into that mode by using Family Meetings to set boundaries and limits while communicating as a family what behaviors are acceptable and expected. 

WHAT BOUNDARIES ARE BEING EXCEEDED IN YOUR HOME?

Let’s start off with the obvious list of which parenting traps you might be falling into:

WHINING
Do your kids wear you down with whining until you either explode or give in?  It works often enough for the kid that they keep doing it over and over.  Do they want another cookie?  Or maybe to interrupt you on a phone call? 

NAGGING
Does your child ignore your requests so you then proceed to nag them into compliance? Every time we remind, we’re training them that what we say doesn’t mean a thing. 

LYING
Has your child told you a lie in order to get their way?  “No, I didn’t hit Jimmy.” Or “I still have 15 minutes left of computer time” when you know they’ve had more than their fill?

TOO MANY RULES
Are you good about setting up lots of rules but your kids are always ignoring them?  Or are you a Drill Sergeant who has lots of rules but get compliance from yelling and telling your kids what to do?  Often times kids will become defiant when too many rules are constantly enforced especially when they don’t agree with all the rules.

SHAMING
Do you use phrases to motivate your “lazy” or “dirty” kid to do things?  “What a slob!” “You smell like a pig, go take a shower!” “No one would want to be with you, you’re so stupid.”  “You are such a cry-baby.” “Why do you always break things?”

BRIBING
Or are you a parent who gets compliance with money or other currency like computer time?  You tell your child if they do their chores, they get money.  If they clean their room, they get computer time. I’m all in for having levers and knowing our kids’ currency but I want to put such a valuable commodity to better use.
In all of these circumstances we’re reacting to our kids without a thoughtful plan and easily become overwhelmed and often irritated.  I was working with a family last week and the mom was just so frazzled having her 4 kids, ages 3 to 11, home all summer.  She felt her kids just totally ignored her.  It was pretty much mayhem and every day seemed like a bad day.  Just going to the pool for what should have been a fun time swimming wound up being a struggle from getting into the car to the pool and back. 

So, fine, we’ll all admit that we’re weak in at least one or two of those areas.  Ok?  Now what? 

BOUNDARIES – What do they look like?

First, let’s recognize what a boundary might look like since we all need to understand the basics of setting good boundaries. As we do this, I want to point out that we want to keep things as positive as possible.  We have so much negativity that creeps into our homes, we want to keep our limits positive and simple. 
  • I read books to kids who have brushed their teeth.
  • I wash clothes that are in the hamper.
  • I drive kids to soccer practice who have all their gear. 
  • I serve dinner to kids who’ve washed their hands.
  • I drive when everyone is buckled in their seats.



I think you can all guess what the negative approaches sound like and how they cause us to not only create negative energy but we often stumble into fighting and arguing with our kids as well creating even more of the negative vibes that we want to avoid.  

CONSEQUENCES
We have to be true to our word when setting our boundaries.  When we say “I wash clothes that are in the hamper.”  We need to make sure we only wash clothes in the hamper.  Yes, even if clothes are lying all across your teen’s room and you know they need their workout clothes for tomorrow, you have to be willing to leave them where they are and not touch them.  If you do, you just violated your boundary and have lost your leverage. 
 
CONSEQUENCES NOT WORKING
Ok, we all understand the basics of “setting a boundary” and “following through on consequences”.  It seems so easy but what happens when you know you have rules and everyone is ignoring them so often and so much that you’re worn out and frazzled like our swimming pool mom?  You are ready to cry and run out of the house it’s so bad? 

You need to bring out the big guns.  You need some real brain power to solve issues like these and you’re going to recruit your family’s brains to help make that happen.  As parents we often feel we’re on the hook to solve every problem.  It’s totally not fair and it’s not good for the development of our kids to leave them out of these amazing opportunities to solve big interpersonal problems and learn to work as a team.  What’s the “big gun”?  It’s called a Family Meeting.

Here’s how a Family Meeting will work.  First, decide on just one area of your family life that is either easiest in your mind to make progress on or the one that dives you the craziest.  In our example the mom decided to just focus on going to the neighborhood swimming pool but for you it could be kids picking up toys or getting off electronics, cleaning their rooms, whatever it is, you just take one and work on it first.  We need to start somewhere and trying to overhaul everything and none of it working just makes us feel like failures and we give up so let’s not do that.
 
Step 1: SET THE MEETING
You’re going to announce to your family that tonight you’re having a Family Meeting at a particular time like after dinner. Explain that you need help in solving an issue and really want everyone to help brainstorm solutions.  You and your spouse might want to have a pre-meeting just to make sure you’re on the same page in selecting which topic will be worked on and maybe a general goal for the meeting. 

Step 2:  START THE MEETING, LIST THE ISSUE
Humbly admit that you are struggling and need your family as a team to come up with some possible solutions.  Ask one of your kids to be the secretary since there will be lots of ideas generated and you need someone to help keep track of them.  If your kids are too young to write yet, that’s fine, then you or your spouse could do it.  The idea here is to get them involved.  Set a positive tone by letting everyone know that no idea is a bad idea and all ideas will be considered, no disrespecting ideas since they are just ideas.  Tell everyone that you as a family will be selecting a few ideas to TRY for the next week and will be meeting again to go over the results and make modifications.  Tell them that this is not just mom or dad dictating this, you need lots of brainpower to solve this one.  Be the cheerleader for your family telling them they are awesome and as a team you can solve this one but you need everyone’s help.

Step 3: BRAINSTORM
Describe the issue and what is hard for you that you feel needs solving.  Things like getting kids to bed or getting off electronics aren’t just one step solutions so you need to list out the different parts you see that need to be worked out.  Open up the meeting for ideas from everyone.  Write all the ideas down.  Make sure there are ideas for consequences as well.  Your goal is to get the kids to decide the rules and consequences so that everything is known up front, that everyone is informed.  This will save you from having to make things up on the fly which often doesn’t go well. 

Step 4: SELECT IDEAS
Once the list is done select one or two ideas for each area to TRY.  Assign someone to make a poster or a list of what is going to be done.  Decide how long the first experiment will run and when the next meeting will be to go over results.

Step 5: EXPERIMENT
Run the experiment.  Don’t get mad if things don’t work out.  Have a place where people can submit things that aren’t working well so that you can keep track throughout the time period.

Step 6: REVIEW & REVISE
Hold your follow-up meeting and go over the results.  Be sure to give praise where things went well! Ask for new ideas to improve the process and possibly bring out the old list of ideas you didn’t use from your first meeting.  Keep holding this review/revise meetings until you work out all the kinks in the system. 
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Step 7: CELEBRATE!
Celebrate!  Take time to celebrate your family’s amazing ability to solve problems as a team!  You are all awesome and love each other!  Go out for ice cream or have a picnic in the park.  Do something!
 
Now that you have the steps, I was to show you how one mom solved her swimming pool issues using them. 

Step 1: SET THE MEETING
She announced that they were having a meeting to discuss how to better get to the swimming pool and back.

Step 2:  START THE MEETING, LIST THE ISSUE
She explained that she was tired of going to the pool when kids weren’t helping get ready.  There was always someone who couldn’t find their swimsuit or towel and things like water and snacks were always her job.  On the drive kids were unruly and when at the pool when someone broke the safety rules, they ignored the consequence since mom was too busy keeping the other kids safe, especially the 3-year-old.  What could they do?
Step 3: BRAINSTORM

Her oldest son, a 5th grader, took the notes.   They talked about what items were needed to bring to the pool each time.  They had ideas for which ones were problems and how to solve them.  Each kid could have a list of what all they needed or they could each pick one item to get – towels, bathing suits, water, snacks, sunscreen.  They also talked about safety at the pool and came up with consequences as to what would happen if someone didn’t follow the safety guidelines.  Her one son tended to be the one who disobeyed and would get out of the pool then sneak back into the water when mom wasn’t looking.  An idea that mom and I talked about was having each kid pack a “land bag” of things to do if they were made to be outside the pool so that it was a consequence to be out of the water but it wasn’t miserable.  She proposed that idea to the kids too.

Step 4: SELECT IDEAS
Next they talked about the different options and came up with a first pass.  The 3 older kids decided to pick an item – one got the waters, one the snacks, the other the towels.   They also decided to select one area in the house that all the swimming gear would be in – towels and swimsuits would all reside in the laundry room instead of all over the house.  They would each pack and carry their “land bags” to the pool.  For kids not obeying safety rules they decided on a 3-step approach – 1st offense was 10 minutes, then it got upped from there.

Step 5: EXPERIMENT
Mom proceeded to take her crew to the pool the next day to see how their new plan would work.  She was amazed at the huge improvement.  Her kids all brought their agreed upon items and the really cool part was when one of the kids started to stray or maybe forgot something, they could remind each other.  It wasn’t just mom vs. the kids!  It was a team!  Now that they all agreed on what was happening and knew what the process was, they could all own it.  Mom couldn’t have been prouder!

Step 6: REVIEW & REVISE
Mom was so impressed and so were the kids that the only modification that they added was to review the “pool contract” each time before going to the pool

Step 7: CELEBRATE!
Mom hasn’t celebrated yet but plans to!
 
As you can see from this family if you set this up right giving your kids a format where they have a voice and a choice, them feeling validated and heard can make everyone’s lives a lot easier.  These same kids are more invested in the rules if they help set them.  I’m not saying that parents should give in to any and all ideas their kids think up, you still can put limits on what they can request but a lot of the time we don’t care. 

I had another family who was refusing to let their daughters make GAK in their house, it’s that goopy, gooey glue kind of art gunk.  They felt it was way too messy.  They made a “no gak” rule and that’s the parent’s prerogative, of course.  However, one of their daughters was sneaking making gak.  Yikes!  That was worse than anything. 

I brainstormed some ideas during a coaching session with the parents to get them to dig down into what it really was they were looking for.  They just didn’t want the mess in the house.  Wow!  We live in California and they had a backyard.  Would they be willing to compromise with their daughters about setting up something out there?  They were also having a problem with their daughters taking laptops out in the yard which was a separate issue but they decided to have a meeting about both issues since they involved the outdoors. 

They held their first family meeting and agreed the girls could come up with a proposal of what it would take to set up an outdoor art station – what supplies, tables, etc. they might need.  They also agreed that the girls could take the laptops outside as long as they knew they’d be replacing them if they were damaged.  In the subsequent meetings they came up with a great solution that worked for everyone.  No more indoor gak and, as it turns out, it’s been months and neither daughter has brought a laptop outside since it seems they weren’t comfortable the cost of replacing one.  I love it!  They were no longer the mean parents who didn’t let them do stuff.  They were a team who solved problems and took responsibility. 
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Podcast 16 - Money Matters: Teen and Tween Edition

8/1/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​​

In this blog I’m going to cover issues relating to money with middle and high schoolers.  I will go over how to give money and how much, when to give money, and how to set up responsible money habits including how to use an ATM card, checking account, credit cards. 

Money is a huge challenge for us all and at this stage your high schooler or middle schooler is at a huge crossroads with learning life skills.  Dealing with money is a much-neglected skill during these years yet they are the most crucial years to allow as many affordable mistakes as possible. This makes money a prime target for small mistakes now to avoid big mistakes later. If you know someone who can’t manage money as an adult, I’m going to guess their parents didn’t teach them much about it, might have given in to every whim just to keep them happy when they were young.  Hey, that adult might even be you! 

If you listened to my podcast about money for younger kids, you’ll have already heard how to start a small budget for vacations and special events that I call a trinket budget.  We’re going to expand on that concept greatly by including more of the day-to-day expenses our kids encounter, not just vacations and special events. 

With older kids I want to help you introduce money concepts so that by the time they graduate from high school they know about budgeting, credit cards and debt.  I’m even going to show you a way to tie in getting chores done which is such a bonus.  You want to launch a financially responsible child into the world so that you won’t be paying their bills for the rest of your life. 
 
Let’s get started!

Middle School – start budgeting using what I call the
Setting Limits Method - During this phase you want your child to really understand that there are limits to what they can spend instead of just opening up your wallet and spending YOUR money.  

Didn’t it get you in pre-COVID days when your kid said they wanted to go to a movie with friends and you had to fork over money on the spot not only for the movie but also for the popcorn and a drink?  It was for their happiness, right?  That parent guilt just gets to us when it’s done in the moment.  All practical thought sometimes just goes poof, right out of our heads.  Or, how about your kid going to Starbucks and getting a Frappuccino and a snack because they’re hungry. That can easily be a $15 transaction if you’re not careful.  I had one friend whose child went to Starbucks every day without any care as to the family budget.  Another friend was conned into buying extravagant birthday presents for their kids’ friends just because mom and dad hadn’t set a reasonable spending limit. 

So, here’s what we’re going to do, you will set YOUR limit of what YOU will give them by category. You will also set a money allowance that’s in an unlimited category they can do what they want with.  Have a family meeting or a private meeting with each kid if you have lots of different age kids.  Just do this all up front with thought and planning, no puppy dog eyes as they’re leaving for some event.  Feel free to have your kids help decide on what has limits and how much.  The important thing here is that they start to learn that there are limits and it’s helpful to know what they are up front so no one is surprised.

Here are some ideas for some different types of things that you can talk about but keep in mind that some of these will only apply after we move out of this COVID time that we are now in.  

school supplies
birthday gifts for friends
clothes
Starbucks or other snacks 
activity supplies for sports, music, etc.—like sports shoes or warmups or instruments and reeds or drumsticks and related equipment
activity fees (monthly, quarterly, by season, etc) if they are in sports, clubs or educational activities
school lunch money
movie tickets

You’re going to add up what you think is reasonable for you to pay for and give them that amount per month or when it’s appropriate.  Some things you’ll still have to pay for that you can’t quite define like how many birthday presents are needed per month but you can establish a amount of what you will add to the birthday budget per birthday. 

Here are more specific ideas of what a sample parent could allocate:

One Starbucks drink per week of not more than $5
School supplies of $50 per year
Lunch money for school lunch for 2 lunches per week
One movie ticket per month
Birthday gift budget of $25 per gift
Clothes budget $25 per month

Keep in mind this is for middle schoolers who don’t have a lot of freedom to roam.  Put into this system whatever you can.  Some parents will put in budgets for sports equipment like $75 for new basketball shoes and your kid can add their own money if they want to spend more on Air Jordans.  Maybe they’ll be willing to get last year’s model instead of getting the $100 version?  You won’t care, you’ll just be paying $75. 

For me one of the first limits I set was for school supplies.  For years prior we would head to Office Depot with the school shopping lists in hand.  My boys would convince me that they needed new this and that.  I was such a pushover. I caved just about every time. 

Well, once I learned budgeting, I set a limit of $50 per kid, per year.  I met with them and explained that they could use the money to purchase any supplies they needed but that was a yearly budget.  They could choose to reuse what they already had or buy all new stuff – pencils, binders, paper, markers, erasers.  I let them know it was all up to them.  I loved them and was sure they’d learn to make good choices over time.

However, I also let them know, if they didn’t use all of the $50, they were welcome to use it for anything else.  This incented them to be conservative and reuse much of what they chose not to in previous years.  Yeah!  I want to confess in previous years, I had been spending more than $75 on supplies. This was a total win for me and them. 

I had friend who, after her two daughters constantly overran the data budget for their phone plans, switched them to pay-as-you-go plans and gave them a budget $15 per month.  It was amusing for mom to watch how quickly her daughters used up those $15 and learned to look for Wi-Fi hot spots or wait until they got home to the house Wi-Fi instead of just constantly streaming data to their phones whenever they felt like it. 


Allowance Amount
Now that we’ve talked about a simple budget I want to talk about an allowance.  That’s the unrestricted money we give to our kids that they can spend on whatever they’d like.  How much do you give and when is the question.  As much as you think is appropriate and can afford, could be a dollar per week or $10 per month.  It doesn't matter, but be consistent.  I used monthly.   The amounts can change as your kids get older; I usually gave them a “raise” on their birthdays. 

My calculation was one dollar for each year they were old, per month.  Yep… not much by some kids’ standards but that’s the point.  You want kids to have to stretch and think about where to spend that precious money and how they can maybe save some on of their budget items that can move money into their unrestricted funds area.  Like if they find an older pair of Air Jordans for $50 somewhere, they can pocket the extra $25 to use on something else, maybe snacks at Starbucks that you’re no longer funding? 

You also want to encourage them work to earn extra money by doing extra jobs around the house or put out flyers or a post on NextDoor to offer to help their neighbors with things like dog walking, picking up mail, cleaning up dog poop or watering plants while neighbors are on vacation.  A girlfriend’s son wanted a new, cool skateboard so he worked his buns off to earn the money for it.  That mom also posted a list of what she’d pay for her kids to do her jobs if they wanted to earn money at their house. 

All this was communicated in the open so no one was surprised by any of it.  No whining and begging for “stuff”.  Give them love and empathy if they don’t like it.  “Oh, I know it’s hard to earn money.  I’m so sorry.  Let me know if you’d like some ideas.  I sure love you.”
 
What about Giving?
When kids are young and we give them allowance and we ask them to allocate some to their “share” jar.  We still want to encourage the “share” concept at this age and we can budget this item and put it in a “restricted” category that they aren’t allowed to move into their unrestricted “spend” area.  They need to “share” it with a church or charity.  No exceptions. 

If they get birthday or holiday gifts, help them allocate some of that money into their “share” budget as well as to their savings account.  Keep modeling for your kids your own giving and have discussions about how to help others with their share money.

One last thought before I head into the area of high school budgeting.  There’s a super cool app that you can use for any age kid but it would be great to use for middle schoolers.  It’s called GreenLight. It allows you to set up a debit card that’s controlled and monitored by you and used by your kids like a real debit card with restrictions on what stores and what amounts can be spent at certain places.  It’s $4.95/month per family so it does cost a bit but it might be a good transition tool prior to high school. 

Ages - High School
Speaking of high school… Every parent should jump at the chance to really step up budgeting with high schoolers.  This is a crucial learning ground that will be backed up by affordable mistakes and really set up your kids for independence in college and beyond. Here are the basics:


Step 1 - Set up a checking account in their name with real checks and an ATM card that you can electronically transfer money to and from.  It will probably be an account where one parent is a co-signer, that’s fine. You want your kid to swipe that ATM card to get used to our electronic payment-oriented society.  If they run out of money the ATM card will stop them unlike a credit card.  You can also set them up on Venmo, a popular payment app with students.  Don’t be afraid to let them use it. Have them write checks occasionally too!  Some kids really struggle to establish a decent signature especially since cursive is a dying art in schools these days.


Step 2 - Decide as many things as possible that your kid can pay for with YOUR money, yep, YOUR money like we did in the middle school exercise but WAY more detailed.  Hey, you pay for all these things anyway so let's leverage that money to work for future independence!  We’ll call this the INCOME side of the budget. 
What kind of things could be added to the list:
  • all the items listed in the previous age range
  • private lesson fees – academic tutoring, sports, music, dance, whatever!
  • sports fees - school sports, club teams, travel for sports, etc.
  • lunches/meals - whether at school or outside
  • college applications/testing fees
  • prom tickets and expenses
  • grooming – haircuts, nails, etc.
  • student fees for things like yearbooks or school spirit gear

Step 3 – Next calculate things on the DEDUCTION side of the budget.  Some families will have their teens pay for things like car insurance, the data plan for their phone, gas for using the family car on trips with friends, that sort of stuff.  My kids had a monthly deduction for both their car insurance and data plan.  Sure, I could have afforded it but I wanted them to have some skin in the game.  Where did they get the money for those deductions?  They could earn extra or use savings if they had to.  Didn’t matter to me, not my problem. 

Here’s the kicker.  I talked about incorporating chores into this budgeting process and here’s what you need to do.  Post a price list in your kitchen of what you’re willing to charge for doing your kids chores for them.  Then, if a chore isn’t done at the agreed upon time, no problem!  You just happily do the chore for them and charge them for your services.  I’d advise you to pick charges that really do make you happy, don’t skimp.  Taking the trash bins to the street could incur a $10 charge.  How about picking up that dog poop?  $10?  $20?  Cleaning the dishes?  Making their beds?

When you actually do a chore, I’d recommend posting a note or keeping a log somewhere that a snarky teen can’t rip it up if they’re mad.  When it comes time to do the budget add the DEDUCTIONS for what I call “mommy chore” charges to the other monthly deductions.  If they want earn as much income money as possible, they will learn quickly to keep their mommy chore charges to a minimum or do one of mommy’s chores to even out the deduction before the next pay period. 

Cars for High Schoolers
Just a side note, no one should be buying their high school kids' cars, much less new cars.  If they really need access to a car and you can afford to get one, find an older model car that’s not classy and buy it as a family car.  We had grandpa’s old car for one boy and their aunt’s car for the other.  A Toyota Corolla that’s 8 years old was not what my kids wanted to drive but both got them around until they could afford to buy their own cars. 

Step 4 – Now, back to our budgeting. Step 4, calculate the money needed to cover the income and deductions in Step 2 & 3 and transfer that electronically to your child once a month.  I would have my kids balance their checkbooks by hand before they got their next month's money just so that they could see the money come and go.  They switched to online balance watching after a few years but their first years with an old-fashioned paper checkbook to balance was a good exercise.  Sort of like we all learned long division but always use calculators now, right?

Step 5 - Sit back and watch them use their money.  If they forget to pay their tutor or music teacher... GREAT!  That teacher will help them learn to pay bills on time. If the instructor tries to get the money from you, I’d just redirect them to your kid and explain this is a learning process. 

If they bounce a check... GREAT!   Nothing like learning how much bouncing a check costs.  Whatever you do, don’t get overdraft protection for their account.  One dad did that and was only charging his son $25 instead of the bank’s $35 fee and his son didn’t blink an eye.  We need to get our kids to blink and look the payment monster in the eye.  This is real stuff so make it real.  These are all affordable mistakes that you can give them love and empathy for when they happen. 

Now, on the other hand, if they manage to save extra in areas of their budget that they decide they’d like to use the money elsewhere, great.  Say you give them money for two lunches a week and they decide to make their lunch all days of the week.  Let them pocket the extra to encourage their saving habits.  Remember how in adult-life we have to save for a vacation or a new car?  These balancing activities will help plant those saving seeds in their brains that they’ll use later on when purchases really need to be saved for over a long period of time.   

Ok, you’re ready to launch!  Those are the five steps.  I do have a few more comments on money and teens. 

Encourage Jobs to Earn and Learn!
One area I want to encourage is for all parents to allow and promote the idea that their kids should earn money by having a part-time job while in high school.  I know.  I know.  There are lots of parents in Silicon Valley where I live who feel that doing homework and school is a job for their kids so they refuse to let their kids work outside the home.  However, doing homework doesn’t prepare them for all aspects of the real work and I want you to help them get those extra skills. 

Crummy, low-wage jobs are such an amazing place to learn all sorts of life-lessons that are never, ever taught in schools.  Having to punch a timeclock on a schedule that your boss only tells you one week in advance and one that changes just about every week.  Getting a real paycheck – do you auto-deposit or not.  Dealing with taxes.  Getting tipped or not tipped – they start learning how it feels to not get tipped even though they’ve been doing a great job.  Dealing with co-workers that you didn’t choose – ones that gripe and don’t work hard are tough to work with.   

My one son didn’t have much time between his academics and athletics but he managed to get a weekend only job at a local burger joint.  It was a God-send if you ask me.  He learned about all those things and more.  Dealing with cleaning tables and taking customer orders.  Priceless.  Did you know that when we walk into a place like that, we often ask a 16-year-old what’s good on the menu?  Haha!  So funny!  Kids that age are amazed that anyone would bother to think that they might know the answer.  Precious lessons in building confidence and self-esteem.  Please, please let your child work!
 
College Finance Ideas
Lastly, I just want to make a few comments to those of you who have college kids or will soon.  You need to practice these budgeting things but scale it up even further.  Have your kids pay all their own bills, yep, even tuition and room and board if they are going away.  Agree ahead of time what you are willing to pay for and when you will be transferring money to them. 

In my practice, I see too many parents just opening up their wallets whenever their kids call to say they’re out of money.  I want to encourage you to set the limits up front and use empathy when they run out of money.  If you’ve set up their high school budgeting experience appropriately this will not be hard or a surprise. 

My boys knew in advance that they paid for all their own entertainment and eating out with money they earned from their summer jobs or jobs they got during the school year. 

I think having a limit for food spending is really wise as well.  Freshmen in dorms are usually required to buy a food plan.  If they have a food plan, in my opinion, that means they have food even if it’s not the best.  If they’d like to eat out, fine, it’s on their dime.

A friend could see her son’s bank account draining down and he only had $5 left in it at one point.  What a bummer!  He wound up getting an on-campus job to help even things out.  Another friend just wound up paying for the dorm food that her child wasn’t eating in addition to all the food her child at out.  Crazy, isn’t that?  Picky eaters can have a tough time in college but at that stage it’s their problem that they need to navigate, not mom and dad’s. 

Last topic, credit cards.  It is important for our kids at some point to start building up credit for future purchasing power.  I’d say as they go off to college is the time to research a good card for them and encourage them to start by choosing one type of purchase that they always pay for on their card and then pay off every month.  There are lots of companies who will offer students cards that have really high interest rates that can get kids into trouble.  Avoid those.  Shop around!
 
Learning to deal with money can be an amazing journey and allow our kids to have choices when they manage money well.   You being in their lives communicating and allowing for mistakes in loving ways is what’s going to get your kid into the right place.  They will blow it occasionally, embrace those times with a growth mindset and love them though the process. 

Whatever your child's age, please take the time to work with money.  
 
If you found this information useful, please forward the link on to your friends and family. 
 
Here are a few of my favorite books about kids and money. 

Millionaire Babies or Bankrupt Brats
Parents are Not ATMs

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Postcast 15 - Money and Allowance: Early Childhood (3-10 years)

7/9/2020

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THE AUDIO PODCAST IS AVAILABLE HERE:      ​LISTEN​

Money, money, money, what a challenge for us all!  It is so important to pass along to our kids a firm foundation for money in their lives.  However, in our love and protectiveness we tend to over-protect this essential skill-building opportunity while they are young.  

There are things to do at different ages and stages to help introduce money concepts to your kids so that by the time they graduate from high school they know about budgeting, credit cards and debt.   In this podcast, I’ll concentrate on what to do with younger kids, from toddler years up through elementary school using a simple spend-save-share method.  In the next podcast, I’ll go into more advanced topics that will cover the middle and high school years including budgeting and handling credit cards.

I talked a little about allowances in the previous podcast on Chores, and I want to make sure we’re all on the same page, we don’t give allowance for regular chores.  This allowance money we’re talking about is money that we give our kids for them to learn how to use money.  Please listen to the Chores podcast to if you want to understand more about why chores are separate from allowance since I already covered that topic there.

Let’s dive in!

For those little ones, how many of us, when relatives give our kids holiday or birthday money, stash it away in a bank account that our children can't get to?  Probably most of us!  Why?  Because "we don't want to them to blow it", right?  That money would be "wasted" on stuff that isn't important and we just can't let that happen.

Most of you know about helicopter parents and this money situation is a perfec t storm for us recovering helicopters.  We mean well, but it hurts our kids in the long run.  How will they ever learn that if they "waste" their money there won't be any left over for future wants and needs?  When our kids are young is the time to allow as many affordable mistakes as possible; money is certainly a prime target for small mistakes now to avoid big mistakes later.  I love this topic since it pays off big-time in the long run.

When to Start Allowance
I want you to start allowance at about Ages 3 to 5 and use this method until about 10 or 11.   I’m going to go over the method of giving them money, how much to give them and then how to set up learning opportunities for them to learn how to use it.  

First, Method
There’s something called the Three Jars Method - this is a classic!  You set up 3 clear jars so that your child can visibly see the money in them.  One is for spending, one for saving and one for sharing.  Let your child see the money build up.  Dave Ramsey, the financial guru, said a Cambridge study found that kids money habits are formed by about age 7.  Wow.  That’s early so let’s get them up and running as soon as possible.  With kids who are 3 to 5, you’ll be getting them used to seeing money and using money in very simple ways but those jars will grow to have meaning by about 6-7.   Do start, even if you have really young kids.

Next, Amount
How much do you give as allowance and when?  As much as you think is appropriate and can afford, could be a quarter or a dollar.  It could be per week or per month, doesn't matter, but be consistent.  I used monthly.   The amounts can change as your kids get older; I usually gave them a “raise” on their birthdays.  You’re going to have them split the allowance between the 3 jars.  Some number that can be easily split by three would be nice too.  You do want to not give so much that they’re running out every week and buying stuff.  Make them save for things they want. 

If they get birthday or holiday gifts, help them split the money between the jars.  Help them count it as it grows so you can build math skills along with money skills. 

Opportunities
Next, you let them have opportunities to Spend-Save-Give.  Let’s go over some ideas now.

SPEND - When you are at the store and they ask for a treat, let them use THEIR "spend" money instead of just using yours.  If they didn’t bring any of their money, I would encourage you to give them empathy in the form of, “Gee, this is such a bummer.  You didn’t bring your money and you’d really like to buy that toy.  Darn.  Maybe next time we come back you’ll have money to buy that.  Mommy buys things on our shopping list, not extra items.  I’m so sorry.”  Even if it brings on a tantrum just stick with it.  If it brings on whining try, “And what did I say?”  Your child is learning that money doesn’t grow on trees, that you have to have some and have it with you if you want “stuff”.

However, if you really think that is too mean then you can lend them the money and have them pay you back when they get home.  I would charge some sort of interest in the form of extra money like a real loan would have or maybe an extra chore around the house since it’s an energy drain that you had to use your money since your child forgot theirs.  However, your kids learn to carry their money when they go to a store with you pretty darn fast if you give them the empathy routine.  You want them to know shopping takes money, it’s not just a “look, see, buy” event but a “look, see, do-I-have-money-to-buy” event.

SAVE – Whenever you think there’s enough money in their SAVE jar, go with them to open a simple savings account once they get to about 6 or 7.  Have them put their savings in that account at least once a year, you might even match the amount dollar for dollar or at a 50% rate.  Let them see it growing.  Allow them to "save" for something special so they can practice delayed gratification - a bike, a large LEGO set, an expensive doll, etc.  Research says that mastering the art of delayed gratification is a SUPER helpful indicator for future success in life.  

Some families will call this account “college savings” to promote the idea that their kids will be going to college but it could have some other name but you need to differentiate it from the “spend” money  in a way that’s farther and less immediate in nature.  One of my friends had an accounting book instead of using a real bank.  She labeled it “Bank of Mom” and put all the money transactions in it.  Do what works for you but the more you can make it be a realistic banking situation, the better.


SHARE - If you go to church, let them take their "share" money for a donation, not yours.  Maybe once a year you have them pick a charity; they can use their "share" money on.  We used Heifer International for years as a "share" when my boys were little-- super fun to sponsor cows and chickens or even beehives in third world countries that help people get out of poverty.  But work with your kids to figure out what they might care about – Make A Wish?  Habitat for Humanity, Humane Society, Doctors without Borders.  It’s great to model for our kids that money and the sharing of money can help others, not just themselves.

SPECIAL MONEY/Early Budgeting
The last skill with money for younger ones that I want to pass on to you is an early introduction to budgeting.  If you, as a parent when traveling or going to a special event like a theme park, typically give in to your kids who always beg for souvenirs, this simple budgeting practice will allow them to have independence to make more choices on their own. 

Many of us don’t mind the concept of buying our kids something to remember a trip. However, we often get roped into buying things at every stop and often spend more than we want to.  Those adorable puppy eyes pleading with us for one more set of polished rocks are just sometimes beyond us to resist, right? 

Here’s the new plan: Before you head off on vacation, set up a travel trinket budget for your kids.  They can spend it on anything but when their trinket money is gone, it's gone!  So sad... ;). Sure, your kids will pick some throw-away items that you think are stupid and a waste that you know they’ll lose interest in a day, but what a great time for them to learn this lesson.  By keeping our judgements of what they buy to ourselves, this new budget process will help regulate their future purchases so you won’t have to.  Your job is to set up that budget ahead of time and stick to it.  I’d even give the kids the cash dollars and a wallet so they have a chance to physically deal with bills and change. They might even learn what it’s like to lose a wallet.  Ouch!  Ya know? I would probably wait until 5 or 6 to institute trinket budgeting when your kids have mastered some basic math. 

How much should your vacation trinket budget be?  It will really depend on what your family can afford but the overall idea is “not enough”.  For my boys when they were in elementary school, I gave them $20 each for a 3-week vacation. This was way less than I would have spent in previous summers before I figured out this trinket budget, but it totally worked. When they wanted something, I could just ask them if they had money left. It was so freeing!  They were also welcome to bring some of their SPEND money out of their spend jar if they’d like to have more.  It was totally up to them to bring that extra money.  It certainly wasn’t on my packing list for vacation. 

That’s all for now!  Good luck on getting some money understanding into your young ones.  Don’t forget to listen to my next podcast as your kids get older so you can learn about more advanced budgeting and spending habits that will get them really ready for adulthood.  I do have a Pinterest board with more ideas for teaching about money.  

PINTEREST BOARD 
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Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting Podcaster and Educator
Independent Facilitator of Parenting
​the Love and Logic Way®​

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