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Meltdowns and Tantrums By Age!

9/19/2019

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Meltdowns
Sometimes our kids just melt and it is not from the summer heat.  :)  It can be at the most inopportune times and might make us want to pull out our hair.  Here are a few ideas of what a parent might do based on age.  I hope it helps!

Toddler Melt
These adorable, amazing creatures are the ones with the fewest skills so their meltdowns are from the heart, body and soul.  They just encompass their whole being and, boy, that can be tough!  You're in the mall and the distress of putting them back in the stroller can just set them off.  The thing to remember is this child only has a few skills to use on you:  crying, screaming, kicking, biting, and acting like a wet noodle while doing one or more of the other behaviors.  

What to do?  Yep, you've guessed what I'm going to say, KEEP CALM by going BRAIN DEAD.  It's not about you, it's about the kid who has no skills to communicate their displeasure.  You might be a target of anger but you need to let them burn off their steam.  It might be embarrassing and annoying but you losing it by yelling and screaming will only make it all worse.  Taking a deep breath and saying:  "This is soooo sad."  and "I knoooooow."  are all possible words to use.  Don't give in to get the crying over,  just let the crying and such come while keeping yourself safe from kicking and biting.  Empathy and love is what is needed no matter how undeserving your child might seem at the time.  

Elementary Melt
This can be similar to the classic Toddler Melt but the kids have more skills and can grab our hearts and tug really hard to make us give in and/or lose our lids.   Kids melt when they feel things are beyond them -- piano is hard, math is hard, putting things in their backpack is hard, their best friend won't play with them, they can't watch a video on your phone, whatever.  They will still cry and melt the same as a toddler and no longer go into wet-noodle mode but you apply the same strategy -- go BRAIN DEAD!  Their brains are firing on all cylinders so make sure you don't get involved until AFTER their emotions calm down.  Give them EMPATHY and LOVE, not yelling and telling.  You can use PROBLEM SOLVING after the emotions pass but please, please wait until the emotions pass before trying to get solutions into the mix.

Teen Melt
As our kids get older their skills and emotions get more and more in check so when a melt down happens it's serious heart wrenching stuff.  Yikes!  It might be about a friendship breakup, loss of a computer game or a "bad" grade on a test.  They'll feel like failures, betrayed, and deeply hurt.  For some teens when their hormones are raging these meltdowns might happen more than others but the strategy is still the same... make sure YOU go BRAIN DEAD!  Please don't react and try to control the emotions.  Unconditional love during hard times is what teens need, not solutions.  Give them hugs,  say things like "I knoooooow" or "That must be hard."

The bottom line of all this?  Although it's tough to remain calm, it's really essential that in the worst of times our kids know we are there for them in a loving and empathetic way.   Those of you who can nurture that when your kids are young and allow your kids to trust that you will be there even during a meltdown will have teens who trust you and want to have a relationship with you.   
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Electronics and Summer Time Fun

6/3/2019

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This summer many parents will deal with kids whining and begging for more screen time.  Ugh!  What a dud of a summer issue to deal with.  Well,  let's figure out some strategies so we can all make it through in one piece.

1 - FAMILY MEETING
First, make a plan!  Yep, sit your adorable family down for a FAMILY MEETING.  Decide together what the screen time limits will be this summer -- what days, what time of day, what length of time, who gets things first or second, etc.  Decide as many things as you can think of.  If you have different age kids,  it's ok to differentiate the limits.  Now, once you have that, discuss the CONSEQUENCES for poor decisions  about breaking the agreed upon rules.  You should write all of these out and post them in a public place.  As you go through the summer do another FAMILY MEETING to check in on how the rules are going and make adjustments as needed.  It's great to model for your family how rules can evolve!

2 - ENERGY DRAIN
Second,  remember that one of our Love and Logic concepts is ENERGY DRAIN.  Doesn't it drain your energy to repeatedly hear the same requests for things you've already said no to?  For going beyond screen time limits that the family has agreed on already?  With Energy Drain you can simply put a smile on your face and get some chores or other activities done instead of getting mad.  Need the windows washed?  Weeds pulled?  Or maybe a foot massage or the porch swept?  That's what energy replacement is all about, it's "you drain me... you need to fill me up again..."  

Just remember that the chores or tasks they perform to put energy back in you are not their normal chores,  they are extra.  For energy replacement ideas look at the list on my website: HERE.  Keep in mind that Energy Drains can be incorporated into the consequences portion of your Family Meeting document in Step 1 above. 

3 - EMPATHY
Lastly, when our kids start coming at us with "I'm bored" and "There's nothing to do" and possibly start fighting with siblings,  it's really helpful to remember one fundamental skill  -- EMPATHY.  Give them lots of love and empathy when they are complaining about being bored.  Don't engage in their whining, just love them and use our Brain Dead one liner: "I knooooooow."  Let them know you're confident they will figure something out. 
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Power to Change

3/4/2019

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I've been inspired recently by the amazing parents who've come to my lectures and classes and wanted to take a chance to brag on a few of them.  We all have the power to change how we interact with our children and these parents took amazing steps using new found parenting powers.  Hats off to them!
Parent #1 - Turkey Sandwich Trick
I was so inspired to use the Love and Logic approach on my kids that I could not wait. I picked my 4 year old up from day care and it was time for lunch so I gave him his lunch box. He opened it and started throwing a fit in his  car seat.  I looked at him in my mirror but did not say a word yet .. he continued to say "I told you no turkey. I don’t like it!!!" Instead of my normal response which would have been something like "You do like turkey!  Eat your dang lunch!",  I used a calm voice "I’m sorry."   He was so surprised! He had a confused look on his face and he said it again,  "I Don’t like turkey!"  I said. "I’m sorry." He stopped and said, "Okay, but I do like my cheese."

Parent #2 - Teeth Brushing and Walking Fun
I applied what you taught the other night and the results are phenomenal. Last night we had fun brushing teeth and got to bed quickly without me nagging. And this morning we got out of the house 30 minutes earlier than usual. She walked backward to the car and jumped off once we got to school. I’m so amazed that all those techniques work instantly.  

Parent #3 - Birthday Cake Blues
My birthday was on Monday night. We all celebrated with birthday cake. Yum. After, my kids wanted a second piece, of course. Since it was too close to bed time, the answer was no. They continued to ask. It was so wonderful to not get annoyed or firm with them but just continue to repeat, "What did I say?" or "I know....what did I say?" They finally gave up...

Parent #4 - Oatmeal Lover ... NOT!
When we put our girls to bed last week they kept coming downstairs, complaining etc. I said that that's ok but Mummy serves cereals only to the girls that go to bed on time and without complaining. They had oatmeal for breakfast which was annoying for our older daughter. She complained and wouldn't eat it. I showed some empathy saying something like it's sad, I know you don't like oatmeal. Maybe tonight you will go to bed without any arguments and then you can have cereals for breakfast. In then end that morning she ate the oatmeal and on our way back home from school she said, "Sorry, mummy for last night."  She went to bed without a hitch the next night.  Yeah!  No oatmeal for her.  

Parent #5 - Computer Caper
My boys were both playing a game together.  It had been so frustrating battling every day as to when they get off their game and come to dinner. After class,  I asked the boys how much time they needed before dinner to get off their game.  They said 15 minutes.  I took it and set a timer.  DING!  It went off in a flash.  "Boys, time to get off."  "But mom... we're not done!  We gotta level up or we'll lose everything."  "I know... this is so sad..."  They stopped about 10 minutes later.  The next day when they wanted to play after their homework.  "Ohhhhh.... this is so sad... I let boys play games who get off when they agreed to get off.  Not today.  Maybe we can try again tomorrow."  A bit of whining ensued but I kept to bland statements and some what did I say.  The next day,  DING, they got off right away.  We added a 10 minute timer to the mix to help them get off in 15.  So fun!


The changes we make to our routines can be subtle but our kids will feel it.  Initially they might be resistant and ungrateful but, believe me, the power you gain in your parenting from experimenting like these parents have will get you through your parenting without losing your mind.  
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To Quit or Not to Quit

2/1/2019

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It seems that every parent has to cross the threshold of their child wanting to quit an activity.  It could be piano, basketball, soccer, violin, clarinet, tutoring, gymnastics, karate, whatever.  Sometimes it's just private lessons that only impact your child while other times it's quitting a team which adds a whole other dimension of problems and guilt.
I just want to start out saying that the reason this is so tough is because there IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.  Yep,  you really have to take lots of things into consideration, it's not a one-stop-shop.  Here are few things that I considered when my boys wanted to quit piano when they were in elementary school:
  • How miserable is your child and/or your family with the whining and complaining?
    • Yes, I'm being totally honest.  This was a hot button for me.  Every week we had to nudge and cajole our kids to practice before the next lesson.  My one son loved his instructor but never wanted to practice.  It's good not to give up too quickly since sometimes a child struggles when things get harder and they really can push through and get to a better place.  However, sometimes it is a true lack of interest, talent or there are other competing issues.  After a year of whining we agreed we had had enough.  Some families might switch instructors, use rewards, modify schedules for breaks or practice and that works for them.  I tried many of those things but they didn't last long.  Don't give up just because I did on piano, but think about it.  (The happy ending was that when both our kids got to middle and and high school they both knew enough music to do really fun things with it. )
  • Who chose the activity in the first place?
    • In my case, it was me who really wanted the lessons, something I never got as a kid.   My boys were ok signing up for lessons when we started,  they were even excited.  
  • Is there a natural stopping point to exit gracefully?
    • In sports there is often a team that your child will be disappointing if they quit mid-season.  In our case, we didn't have a team, just our son.  We figured out a good time to quit and just quietly ended the lessons.  Later on in high school our son wanted to quit band in the middle of a season.  Ouch.  That was a tough one.  After meeting with the director and discussing things with lots of emotion and anguish, we agreed that, although it was a hard decision for him to make, one that had lots of consequences, he could live with it.  Having loving people around you when decisions are hard is what Love and Logic is all about, that was the role my husband and I played.  EMPATHY is the best tool at times like these.  
  • When one ends, choose another
    • I love it when a family agrees to end one activity and as part of the brainstorming they allow and/or help the child pick a new activity to try.  Be careful not to let your child give up activities only to replace them with electronics or other sedentary activities.  In my house the boys got to choose their activities but they had to choose something, not nothing (aka electronics).  

I use my piano story here but want to let you know that it wasn't my only parenting journey into lessons that involved quitting or moving on.  I had a star soccer player who, after investing in goalie lessons in addition to club teams and such, decided he wanted to play basketball.  No problem,  we moved on to basketball school teams and club teams in addition to shooting lessons.  It worked!  He was great!  But then he went off to college and now he's totally hooked on rock climbing and never picks up a basketball.  What's the theme?  He's active and athletic.  Yeah!  He does play electronics but at least he has the bigger picture of taking care of his health and he truly enjoys being active.  

It was worth all those lessons and all that whining.  He wasn't a quitter,  he was exploring life and we helped him on his journey by brain storming and problem solving these issues when we came upon them.  It wasn't always easy but life wasn't meant to be.

Oh yeah, by the way,  he now has started music lessons and invested in a keyboard and guitar using his own time and money, not mine.  Amazing!  

If you'd like another thoughtful article to read on this subject try this one by Katy Abel on the FamilyEducation website:

QUITTING ARTICLE
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Apologize or Not...

9/6/2018

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Don't you hate it when your kid does something so embarrassing or just plain mean to someone else?  Biting another kid...  Punching someone...  Stealing toys.. Sending mean texts ... Yelling at their sibling that they hate them... Ignoring a teacher's requests for the 80th time... Disturbing a room full of quiet children who are concentrating...

Makes you just cringe, right?  You HAVE to get them to apologize for such an offense?  Right???  

Did your parents ever force you to apologize?  Did it really make you feel sorry?  I'm guessing that, like me, you probably just felt worse, felt embarrassed and made you even more mad at whatever/whomever caused you to be rude in the first place.  

What we want is for the heart of our kid to change, to have them really understand that their behavior was unacceptable and caused hurt in another human being, right?  Here are some ideas that might be more effective at changing their hearts instead of just forcing them through the motions of an insincere apology using words.

1 - WAIT TILL EMOTION HAS PASSED
The worst time to get a kid to apologize is when they are still full of emotion.  You have to WAIT until they are calm and can talk about the situation.  In the moment we get so distraught and embarrassed at what our kids have done that we want to lash out and fix things right away.  

Instead, we need to go BRAIN DEAD, to take time for everyones feelings to subside.  Next, you need to brain storm with your child where you help them PROBLEM SOLVE the issue, to come up with a plan of how THEY intend to deal with the situation.  The idea here is to help them think of a way to apologize that works for them.  One parent worked with their son who decided to write a letter instead of walking up to the girl he was mean to.  They could give flowers with a note or maybe a hug and a kiss is all that is needed.  The big thing is that there's something they can figure out how to solve instead of something you as a parent forced on them.  

I have other blogs that can help remind and/or teach you the problem solving scenario you need to use.  If you haven't learned the technique it's really helpful to know the five step process.  Here's a link that will help: look here

2 - USE ENERGY DRAIN
When a kid's heart is disconnected from the impact of their behavior it's best to let a consequence do the encouraging rather than a forced apology or a lecture.  Use EMPATHY and the "Oh, this is sooooo sad.  It really drains mommy's energy when I see you...
... biting other kids
... hitting your sister
... being too loud and disrupting class
....taking food that was meant for your dad
... calling your best friend mean names"

After the EMPATHY, ask them how they are going to put energy back in you. It might be a chore or a service they do for you.  Each time they drain your energy in this way,  you let them pay you back.  Over time, if you're consistent, they will learn that their poor choices are causing them to do extra WORK!  Yes, real WORK instead of just saying some stupid words that don't mean anything.  If this WORK doesn't make them get a heart for their actions at least you've stopped the insincere words which weren't changing behavior anyway.  I have a few blogs on how to make ENERGY DRAINs work and here's one of my favorites: look here

Here's also a link to Energy Drain recovery ideas: 
ENERGY DRAIN LIST

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Dealing with "NO!"

5/1/2018

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Do you hear "NO!" as a response in your home just a little too often?  It can just drive us nuts especially if we're in a hurry and don't have time to deal with it.  

Could you please take out the trash?   .... NO!
Can you feed the dog while I'm making dinner?.... NO!
For the 18th time put away your shoes! ... NO!
Get off electronics! .... NO!

We want to avoid setting up ourselves for NO but can't always remember how to do that.  Here are some hints:

HINT #1 - Use Choices
Would you like to take out the trash before dinner or before you start your homework?
Notice that "no" isn't one of the options?  

Would you like to feed the dog while I make dinner or you make dinner while I feed the dog?

HINT #2 - Use Loving Limits
We let kids come to the dinner table who've put their shoes away.  

We allow kids to use electronics who've finished their homework (or whatever other limit you've set).  

We allow kids to use electronics who haven't been fighting with their siblings. 

I drive kids to school who've brushed their teeth.  

HINT #3 - Still Getting NO?
Sometimes even when we give choices or set a loving limit our kids still refuse to do what we ask.  It's at this point where you should DELAY THE CONSEQUENCES.  

In a really nice, sweet empathetic voice say, "No problem, I'll feed the dog.  It really drains my energy though.  I'll have to do SOMETHING about it."  You don't know what you're going to do but you get to decide what that is at a later time, not right now.  Just let it slide and think of a reasonable consequence when you're ready.  

What might that be?  
CHILD - "Mom,  I'm all done with my homework, where is the iPad?  I want to play my game now."
YOU - "This is so sad, I know how much you love playing after you do your homework.  The iPad has been put away since my energy was too drained after you didn't get off electronics yesterday.  Sorry.  Would you like some ideas about how my energy might be put back?"

CHILD - "Mom, we need to go meet John at the Mall.  He's waiting for us to shop for new basketball shoes."
YOU - "Wow, this is so sad.  I really don't have the energy to drive to get new basketball shoes.  I used up all my energy taking out the trash and putting away your other shoes for you.  Maybe some other time after you've put some energy back in me.  There's a list on the fridge, feel free to pick one and let me know when you're done. "
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Love and Brain Dead

4/5/2018

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Is there enough love in your home?  Or is there a bit of yelling and conflict?  Doesn't that get you so frustrated? Here your kid is attacking you!  They don't understand you're just trying to help or correct or guide them. Ugh!  Enough to drive us crazy!  The topper is when they scream at us that they hate us or tell us that we're mean.  That's just the last straw, isn't it?  After all we do for them!
 
Love vs. Brain dead
The very first and, in my opinion, the key to improving our relationship and fostering LOVE in our households is to learning to go BRAIN DEAD.  This is when our kid is upset and full of emotion about whatever subject and we just stop talking, stop yelling, stop reacting.  Yes, we just STOP our emotions from flowing back out of our mouths and bodies.  It's not easy but if you want more LOVE it is essential that you master this basic skill.  

Those who've learned Love and Logic know that when we go BRAIN DEAD we can add a brief comment like "I know" or a simple grunt without any words as we walk away.  

Why go BRAIN DEAD?  
Because in times of emotion NO ONE IS THINKING!  Our love is destroyed when we yell back, when we argue.   When emotion is involved, a person is in "fight or flight" mode in their brain and all executive functions are essentially turned off.  The same is true for us,  when our emotions have kicked in we aren't thinking rationally either -- we really, really need to GO BRAIN DEAD.  If we go BRAIN DEAD and walk away from an argument we give both ourselves and our kids time to calm down.

"But,  what if my kid calls me a mean name?   I can't let them get away with that, it's disrespectful!" 
Respect is certainly what we want in our homes. However, when disrespect is countered with yelling and telling during a time of emotion you should know that during this time NO respect is fostered   It's brought back into our lives when we wait a day or two and find a quiet moment to chat with our child about how certain words really hurt our feelings.  Some parents might even throw in how it drained their energy to hear such words.  :)  

A REAL STORY
I know this post is getting a little long but I loved this real story that one of my parents sent in about how love was restored in her home when she learned how to go BRAIN DEAD and give EMPATHY.  Here is her story:

I had taken L&L class a year ago and have been using some of the techniques to diffuse arguments. In the beginning when I went brain dead and used "I know" my daughter seemed happy but then soon realised that when that statement comes, things don't go very well for her. So she started getting angry. I had to change the statement.

Now that I'm taking the class again, this time around after your first lecture, I learned that it's okay for my kid to see what we are learning in the parenting class. I had taken a set of cds to listen to and since I only have a cd player in the car I thought she can hear it as well on our drive. She was shocked to hear the first 10 minutes of it and said "Hey! you have been using it on me. Not fair!" I just smiled. From that point on she is using "I know" and "Nice try" on me whenever she is not happy with what I am saying or is upset or no reason at all. The other day I told her,"I love you" and she said, "Ha! Nice try!"

I was a bit worried at first but I simply kept telling her that I love her or I don't want to argue because I love her and I really meant it. Because I was empathetic and went brain dead she didn't know what else to say and most of the times replied with "I love you too"  and sometimes explained why she was upset/sad/angry etc.

Now after few days, I feel it is a good thing. She is not using statements like, you are bad/ you are mean etc. which on some level used to hurt me. I just remember to go brain dead.  There is not hurt, not much arguments. It's mostly "I know" and "Nice try" from her and "What did I say!" and "I love you" from me.

Also remembering to be empathetic and saying the statements genuinely is helping.
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Problems, Problems, Problems

3/8/2018

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Some parents can see that problem solving skills are essential to life and the more we can let our kids practice the more we up the odds of raising successful and INDEPENDENT kids.  It's soooo important to let them grow their brains by teaching them to problem solve!

FIXING THE PROBLEM THEMSELVES
Here is what one of the moms in my class did with her tween daughter after having learned the 5-step problem solving skill. Her daughters "contribution" (formerly known as a "chore") was to unload the utensils from the dishwasher after they were cleaned.
A spoon was stuck. She went right into whining, how she can’t get it out.
STEP 1:  GIVE EMPATHY
I gave her empathy and said “Aww, it must be frustrating.”  
STEP 2: PASS THE PROBLEM BACK
I said, “What are you going to do?"
She answered: “I don’t know” in high pitched voice.
STEP 3: ASK PERMISSION TO GIVE SUGGESTIONS OF WHAT SOME KIDS MIGHT DO
I  said: "Would you like to know what other kids might do?"
She said: Okay.
STEP 4: IF GRANTED, GIVE SOME SUGGESTIONS OF WHAT "SOME KIDS" MIGHT DO, DON'T FEEL YOU HAVE TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM
I suggested one way of getting it out. She tried several times. And still couldn’t do it. Finally, she nicely asked me to take it out, because it was really too hard for her. It really was stuck.
STEP 5: GIVE LOVE AND CONFIDENCE
So, I wasn’t able to say, “Let me know, how it turns out” but I felt good that she took some responsibility for trying to solve the problem. 

Oh well!  At least this mom tried.  Sometimes you do need to assist but this mom did a great job of working with her daughter to think about what she coulddo.
NOT MY PROBLEM
Sometimes we just have to realize that an AFFORDABLE MISTAKE is THEIR problem and not ours.  Here's what another mom learned:
 
My 13 year old is a perpetual procrastinator and always runs late.  The other day she was out of school for a teacher retreat day.  I told her in the  morning about 2.5 hours before we were to leave for a doctor appointment that if she finished her brainstorm bullet points for her high school entrance essay before we left that I would take her shopping for new shoes after her doctor appointment.  
 
She really wanted to shop but she can never pull herself away from the television  to get anything done.  Needless to say 2.5 hours came and went and she was just barely ready to leave when it was time to go let alone finish her HSPT brainstorm.   Usually I am angry and mad, like she is doing it to me but when I realized that she was not going to be ready,  I also realized that it was NOT my problem, it was hers.  And she was not doing it to me, she was doing it to herself!  Realizing this made it easy for me to not get mad.  And guess who got dragged around doing errands with me that day after the doctor appointment?
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Love and Empathy - how to mix them!

2/20/2018

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Many of you who've been through the Love and Logic training have learned that EMPATHY is key to providing and creating a loving environment in our homes.  However,  most of us also know it is one of the hardest things to do when we are crazed by our children and their poor decisions and choices. 

Who can possibly be calm when you've...
  • just asked your child to pick up their toys for the 10th time?
  • seen the homework that was due yesterday in their backpack?
  • catch them on YouTube when they're supposed to be using their computer for "homework"?
  • they've lost their jacket for the umpteenth time?
  • they've stayed out too late with their friends and didn't call you or text you?
Ugh!  All of those situations and hundreds more just make our blood boil, don't they?  We want to yell, scream and pull our hair out.  But... we all need the big EMPATHY reminder card, don't we?  It's EMPATHY that will bring love into our households and allow us to lovingly give either consequences or allow natural consequences to sink in all on their own.  We don't have to the the "bad guy" at all if we remember our EMPATHY.  Let's try it out on the examples above:
  • Not obeying the first time:  
    • Wow, this is sooooo sad, it looks like Mommy will be picking up toys.  No problem,  Mommy keeps the toys that she picks up.  I love you so much.
    •   Then you pick up the toys WITHOUT nagging and complaining and just put them away.
    • Your child could moan, complain and have a tantrum but you keep CALM, go BRAINDEAD and use EMPATHY to let them know that it sure is a bummer.  "I know..." is a classic line to use at this point.  
  • Missing homework:
    • Wow, this is soooo sad, it looks like this is your homework due yesterday.  What a bummer.  What do you think you're going to do about that?
    • Then you use the PROBLEM SOLVING technique to ask them if they'd like some suggestions.  Feel free to give them more EMPATHY if they decide to either solve or NOT solve their issue.  Give them love and let them know you are sure they can handle it and you are here if they'd like some help.   
  • Electronics mis-use:
    • Hmmm... I can see that you're being challenged with using your electronics.  This is soooo sad.  I'm going to have to do something about that.  I love you.  I'm sure we'll be able to think of a solution.  
    • Then you're best to have a FAMILY MEETING to see if you can brainstorm some ideas about how to as a family solve electronics problems.  This won't be easy in some families but if you never try then things will typically only get worse.  If you can lovingly set up an electronics contract that allows the kids some control over their time while allowing everyone to know the consequences then you won't be the bad guy, the contract will especially if the kids decide what the punishment is!
I don't want this blog to get too long so I'll stop there but giving the EMPATHY in one liners like "This is sooooo sad" or "What a bummer" and restraining ourselves from giving the "I told you so" and very un-loving badgering that we tend to do really will bring love back into our families.  
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Monopoly Game and Setting Limits

1/8/2018

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Why is it that we allow our kids to manipulate us so easily sometimes? We are so easily lulled in by anything from their cute smiles to their homework load, aren't we?


One way to get things under control in our lives is to use LOVING LIMITS and LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES. When we tell our children what we will do and stick to our guns with loving consequences we can really get great things done.
I LOVE this real story from a couple in my class. It'll give you a feel for how to interweave multiple skills at one time as well. Enjoy!

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So it was a weekend evening and my 5-year-old son Danny had been asking us all day to play Monopoly Jr. We finally told him he could start setting it up and we’d play right after dinner.



While he was happily sorting out all the money and pieces, his younger 4-year-old brother, Kevin, came along and started messing up his work. I let Danny try to handle it, but after a few minutes, I could tell there was going to be quite a problem. I told Kevin my LOVING LIMIT that we would only allow boys that were being kind to play out in the living room and that he would need to play somewhere else.
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Then my husband came up with the idea that Kevin shouldn’t get to play the game with us. That would be a much bigger and logical consequence for him that would hopefully make a bigger impact than just being sent away.


So we didn’t mention anything during dinner. Afterwards, when we were getting all excited and ready to play, I broke the news to Kevin. I put on my EMPATHETIC face and told him that this was so sad, but he wouldn’t be able to play the game with us since he was messing up the pieces earlier. He was crushed and immediately started crying hysterically. We told him that we’d be happy to have him still hang out in the room with us and watch as long as he was calm. He surprisingly calmed himself down quickly. We thought that if he could watch us play, it would make an even bigger impact on him as he could see what he was missing out on. It was definitely hard for him to watch us playing without him and I’m hoping the lesson really sank in for him.


The whole thing was difficult for me to follow through on because I hate seeing my child being left out and sad. But I know that a small investment now and an affordable mistake on his part can go a long way in the decisions he makes in the future. I’m thankful for my husband’s leadership in this area too, it was his idea and I’m glad we were able to work together to make a big impression on little Kevin.
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Mary Eschen, ACC - Parenting & Life Coach
Independent Facilitator of Parenting
​the Love and Logic Way™​

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