A divorced father with 4 small kids had his older pre-teen daughter from out of state visit during summer break. This is what the dad wrote me:
My oldest daughter came in last week and turned 10 with us on Saturday. To our surprise after a day of doing our best to make her happy and do everything she wanted, she called her mom after her party to tell her that she had a bad day and everyone was picking on her. Without L&L I would have likely gotten angry and reactive, but looked at this as a great chance to provide the problem back to her. We stored her toys, iPad and snacks and instead of losing it and lecturing we used L&L skills. (Note from Mary: this is an "energy drain") I was able to articulate that I was not sure how long we would have to borrow her items yet but it would be until she was able to repair how inconsiderate she had been.
She helped out a little the next morning and felt she had "done something" but then when I asked her if she felt that matched the amount of effort we put out she said no. The following day she woke up with a new attitude and not only helped out most of the day but was nice about it.
I spoke with her last night and explained that it was a consequence, and what I did. I compared that to punishments that she typically received and she told me that she learned much more with having to fix it herself rather than getting punished.
Good job dad! Can you see how this change in technique can bring children closer to you instead of push them away?
My oldest daughter came in last week and turned 10 with us on Saturday. To our surprise after a day of doing our best to make her happy and do everything she wanted, she called her mom after her party to tell her that she had a bad day and everyone was picking on her. Without L&L I would have likely gotten angry and reactive, but looked at this as a great chance to provide the problem back to her. We stored her toys, iPad and snacks and instead of losing it and lecturing we used L&L skills. (Note from Mary: this is an "energy drain") I was able to articulate that I was not sure how long we would have to borrow her items yet but it would be until she was able to repair how inconsiderate she had been.
She helped out a little the next morning and felt she had "done something" but then when I asked her if she felt that matched the amount of effort we put out she said no. The following day she woke up with a new attitude and not only helped out most of the day but was nice about it.
I spoke with her last night and explained that it was a consequence, and what I did. I compared that to punishments that she typically received and she told me that she learned much more with having to fix it herself rather than getting punished.
Good job dad! Can you see how this change in technique can bring children closer to you instead of push them away?