Blog for parenting issues and techniques

Dealing with "NO!"

5/1/2018

Do you hear "NO!" as a response in your home just a little too often? It can just drive us nuts especially if we're in a hurry and don't have time to deal with it.

Could you please take out the trash? .... NO!
Can you feed the dog while I'm making dinner?.... NO!
For the 18th time put away your shoes! ... NO!
Get off electronics! .... NO!

We want to avoid setting up ourselves for NO but can't always remember how to do that. Here are some hints:

HINT #1 - Use Choices
Would you like to take out the trash before dinner or before you start your homework?
Notice that "no" isn't one of the options?

Would you like to feed the dog while I make dinner or you make dinner while I feed the dog?

HINT #2 - Use Loving Limits
We let kids come to the dinner table who've put their shoes away.

We allow kids to use electronics who've finished their homework (or whatever other limit you've set).

We allow kids to use electronics who haven't been fighting with their siblings.

I drive kids to school who've brushed their teeth.

HINT #3 - Still Getting NO?
Sometimes even when we give choices or set a loving limit our kids still refuse to do what we ask. It's at this point where you should DELAY THE CONSEQUENCES.

In a really nice, sweet empathetic voice say, "No problem, I'll feed the dog. It really drains my energy though. I'll have to do SOMETHING about it." You don't know what you're going to do but you get to decide what that is at a later time, not right now. Just let it slide and think of a reasonable consequence when you're ready.

What might that be?
CHILD - "Mom, I'm all done with my homework, where is the iPad? I want to play my game now."
YOU - "This is so sad, I know how much you love playing after you do your homework. The iPad has been put away since my energy was too drained after you didn't get off electronics yesterday. Sorry. Would you like some ideas about how my energy might be put back?"

CHILD - "Mom, we need to go meet John at the Mall. He's waiting for us to shop for new basketball shoes."
YOU - "Wow, this is so sad. I really don't have the energy to drive to get new basketball shoes. I used up all my energy taking out the trash and putting away your other shoes for you. Maybe some other time after you've put some energy back in me. There's a list on the fridge, feel free to pick one and let me know when you're done. "

SIBLING RIVARY - What a bother!

12/6/2017

Why is it that some siblings just can't seem to stop picking at each other? If it isn't arguing over a toy then it's something as trivial as how one looks at the other. "Stop staring at me!" was a classic from my childhood.

What to do as the parent is the REAL question though! The tone you set in your home with sibling spat will ultimately define you. Here are some ideas to help you out.

#1 - STAY CALM
You knew that was coming, didn't you? Yep, you have stay calm no matter what. If you yell, you are just giving in to the stress and conflict that are brewing, a recipe for disaster and frustration.

#2 - KEEP OUT OF IT
You should let your kids try to solve their own relationship issue. Step in only when there is danger or physical harm.

#3 - DON'T TAKE SIDES
If you do have to get involved, you need to stay unbiased, no need to figure out "who caused it". The main thing to keep in mind is that it takes "two to tangle" so dealing with both kids equally should be your course of action.

#4 - USE ENERGY DRAIN
Just like whining, sibling rivalry surely drains energy in a household. Ugh! Does it ever! Start by handing out a good does of EMPATHY:
"Gosh, all that arguing is really draining my energy. This is so sad."
Then deliver the ENERGY DRAIN consequence:
"I guess you two will have to figure out how to put energy back in me. How about taking a look at the list on the fridge? Let me know which one you each decide."
The trick with Energy Drains and sibling spats is to just give them, don't start taking sides or anything, just hand out the consequences and follow through. Feel free to be too drained to make dinner or drive kids to their soccer practices. ;)
If you need a list of ideas look on my website under "Parent Resources".

#5 - SEPARATION
If the kids are angry and out of control feel free to separate them until they cool off:
"Wow, this is so sad. It really looks like you two need some time to cool off. Go ahead to your rooms and come out when you're feeling better."
You'll still be using #4 above after they cool off but feel free to get them calm first.

#6 - FAMILY MEETING AND BRAINSTORMING
This is the WOW in being a family if you ask me -- solving problems and modeling how to do that with your kids. After everyone is calm and at a time in the future, Sunday nights might be a good time, hold a Family Meeting and talk about ways to communicate and avoid sibling conflicts. If your kids are always fighting about Legos, you'd maybe set up some structure for who gets to use which ones first on a rotating basis. If one kid is taking too long in the bathroom, set up parameters for that. If one kid is staring at the other just to piss the other one off, feel free to role play how they might interact differently.

One last thought about Family Meetings is that you shouldn't just have one, have another a week later to check in to see if there is more tweaking that can be done. I often coach families to use Family Meetings to solve other problems like getting out the door in the morning or setting up bedtime routines.

Here's also a nice article I found on Sibling Rivalry
http://kidshealth.org/en/parents/sibling-rivalry.html#

Sibling Rivalry - To Stop Or Not to Stop?

3/6/2017

Doesn't it drive you crazy when your kids fight? You are always trying to figure out whose fault it is, aren't you? They always seem to start it when you've turned your back and can't tell who satrted it. Do you punish one? ... both? ... the oldest, since they should know better? Ugh! So frustrating! We just really want them to stop, don't we?

There is help for situations like these, no matter what the age. Just think about it, doesn't it DRAIN YOUR ENERGY? I know it drained mine when my two boys fought. Those of you who've learned the Love and Logic® techniques might recall "Energy Drain". Remember it? It's SUPER useful! It works best on kids ages 2 - 12 but, if used right, can help for any age of bickering children. It promotes the idea that you don't have to decide who is at fault since BOTH are draining your energy.

Here's how it works:
Step 1 - When your kids start fighting, no need to figure out who started it, just say or enthusiastically exclaim: "Wow, this is really draining my energy! Why don't you two figure out how you're going to put energy back in me?"
Step 2 - If they don't know what to do, assign them something. Look for ideas on my website if you need them. (There's a link above by that cute picture. Click on it!)
Step 3 - When they put your energy back, awesome! Give them hugs.
Step 4 - If they resist, be prepared to continue being drained until they put energy back. Remember to start all of these with EMPATHY.
-- "Gee, my energy is too drained to cook dinner tonight. I'll just sit here and read a book until you two figure out how to put my energy back".
-- "Gosh, I'd love to drive you to practice but my energy is still drained. I'll be happy to take you two when it's put back." Be polite and warn the coach or teacher that your children might be late or not make their practice.
-- "This is so sad, I really don't have energy to have your friends over this afternoon to go to the park. Maybe you two can figure out how to put my energy back somehow."

Sometimes you have to wait until you get home to do SOMETHING about the energy drain that happen in public places. The trick in such situations is to make sure you let those siblings know that SOMETHING will have to be done.

By using Energy Drains you are letting your children know that their poor decision to not work out their issues is THEIR problem, not yours to solve for them. When kids fight, it's a shared problem for BOTH of them so let them both have the consequence.

If you'd like to download your own copy of the Energy Drain list please go to the Parent Resources tab on this website. It's there for you!

Christmas Lists and Brain Dead

12/2/2016

The holiday season certainly brings about a lot of stress and sometimes our kids show a bit too much of the "I wants" for our taste. One parent recently asked me what to do about her elementary school child who constantly asked her what he was getting for Christmas. He'd already given her his "list" (which was quite long!) and he wanted to know which presents he'd be getting. He kept asking... over and over and over, day after day and it wasn't even December yet!

What does she do?

Which response would you have if you were her?
1- Well, it'll depend on how you are behaving. If you are nice, it'll be more. If you keep up this nagging you won't be getting much.
2- I only give presents to kids who are getting a passing grade in Math.
3- Hmm... no idea...

What do you notice about responses #1 and #2? Do you see how the parent is reacting to the nagging behavior? Will it stop the child from asking again an hour later? Probably not. Most likely, they will want to keep trying to get a read on their Present Thermometer -- your mood!

The proper way to respond is simply to NOT respond, use BRAIN DEAD! There's no need to say anything either way. Just go brain dead! Presents are gifts. They should be from the heart and not a result of who nags the most. Explaining that to your child, however, will only lead to them using your words to get back at you so... DON'T. Just say "hmmm" or mumble something really simple and boring like "It's hard not to know." then "I know... " when they try to get in your face about it.

One last comment to those parents who have really persistent kids who still won't stop, use ENERGY DRAIN. Something like "Wow, it really drains my energy when you keep asking me over and over. What can you do to put that energy back in Mommy?". Take a look on my website under "Parent Resources" for an Energy Drain list of ideas if you need them.

Night Time Battles with Toddlers - ENERGY DRAIN and CHOICES

5/20/2016

Does your toddler keep waking up all night? Driving you crazy? Getting no sleep at all? Are you as grumpy as your kid in the morning?

This is a common issue for parents of toddlers and preschoolers. Kids often get scared in the middle of the night or they just want company. They get up, go to mom or dad and want water, snuggles, to go to the bathroom, and endless list of sleep interruptions. Ugh... We love them but... UGH!

One set of L&L parents took a combination of CHOICES and ENERGY DRAIN to help encourage their 4 year old to take control of his actions in the middle of the night. They've had great success!

Each night BEFORE bed they give him all sorts of CHOICES about what books and activities he'd like to put beside his bed. If he wakes up, he immediately has something that he'd enjoy doing. He's allowed to turn on his light and look at books or color if he'd like. He can fall back asleep when he wants to.

If he does need comforting in the middle of the night, that's fine. However, he knows that it might cause and ENERGY DRAIN the next day when he wants his parents to play with him. He loves to shoot baskets with daddy and some days daddy is just too drained from having been woken up too many times at night. His son understands and can still enjoy shooting baskets just not with dad that day.

Both parents said their son is getting much better and is more relaxed knowing he has choices about what to do when he wakes up. He used to only have one thing he could do... now he has lots!

Choices and Getting Kids to Get Off the TV or Computer

10/30/2015

It seems that all parents these days are struggling to get their kids disconnected from whatever electronic device they are glued to. This parent of elementary kids was able to use CHOICES and found it worked like magic. Try it! It can take the battles away.
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This past Saturday night, my kids were watching a movie on TV. (They are allowed to watch TV/play games only on weekend.) It was about 9:10pm and I was about to tell them to stop watching and prepare to go to bed as we needed to go to church the next day. Then I remembered what we were taught last week and I changed my mind and gave them two choices instead. I said “Do you guys want to turn TV off now or in 20 minutes?” Of course, they chose to stop watching in 20 min. Then it came to 9:30 pm and I was not so sure if they would keep their promise. Still, I reminded them that 20 min. is up. To my surprise that they did not say a word and just got up and shut the TV off even though the movie actually was at some kind of dramatic moment. So I praised them and told them that it was good to have a suspense so they can finish the next night.
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Some of you might ask, "What do I do if my kids don't get off in 20 minutes?" Great question! Move on to the Energy Drain technique if they start to whine or resist about going to bed. Remember, you have the option to say, "This is sooooo sad, this really drains my energy. I'm going to have to do SOMETHING about this."

"I knows" and Energy Drains -- how to cope with Yelling and Screaming

5/30/2015

This story is a bit long but it seems like I paid this mom to create this amazing success story she was so effective.
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I picked up my kids from school at 12:30 after our class yesterday. My 9 year old son was not in a good mood and I knew from experience of every early dismissal day that he was very hungry. He was not in a good mood to be nice to me or his sister. By the time we got home, they got into a fight over the leftover food in the fridge and My son started yelling at his sister and left the kitchen in anger. On his way to his room he bumped into me to show his frustration. I gave it a couple of minutes until he came back and I said to both my kids very softly: oh, you know what......this is such an energy drain for me. Yelling, screaming and disrespectful treatment get so much of my energy that I may not have enough left for helping you with your things or driving you around this afternoon.....unless we find a way to put some positive energy back in mommy.

My son did not take me seriously, but my daughter knew I was. Very quickly, she managed to divide up the left over food for both of them and called her brother for lunch and went out of her way to make everything right. I thought to myself: One, check...one more to go!

Half an hour later, when my son asked me about his baseball practice time. He realized that I was serious about not taking him. Then, he started crying, guilting me that no mom would do that, etc...I just told him, I know.... A few "I know"s later, he calmed and realized that his tactic was not going to work. He asked how can he possibly fix the energy drain. I said I can give him some ideas. Of course, any of my suggestions were too much for him followed by another guilt trip from him and "I know"s from me.....

Eventually, I left the room to do something and when I came back 15 minutes later, I found him folding laundry. I was about to fall on the floor......I thanked him and told him that was very helpful. He was not happy, but was doing the work. It was funny that he said: "You are making me work for you" and "I thought people are not allowed to have slaves any more". I told him very gently that I wish I had unlimited energy, but the reality is I don't. You being helpful gives me energy to help you later.

It was interesting that our conversation eventually changed direction and he suggested that I go lay down in bed to gain energy faster while he did the laundry.

I was amazed to see that not only did he end up doing the work and but was actually showing concern for me.
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Yeah mom! The key seems to be mom keeping calm in the midst of the wrath from her son. Awesome!

Energy Drains with Toddlers

4/16/2015

Sometimes we think our small ones aren't ready to get us some energy back after but here's a great example of what one mom of a 4-year old did that was a huge success. Enjoy reading!

My child didn't want to come in the house yesterday evening and by the time she did, I calmly told her we couldn't have a story because that used all my energy up and that she had to help me get it back. She thought about it, tried to muster up some tears, and went down to her room. She came back a while later, having changed into her PJs, and told me she was going to help me by washing clothes while I read my own story and handed me my kindle. She loaded her dirty clothes into the washer, started the water, asked me to help with the soap (I did) and told me to go back and read.

Energy Drains and "I know..."

3/25/2015

One parent last Fall sent me info on how her new L&L skills were working out in her house. They were simple but... worked! Read on...

Got a chance to use the energy drain consequence with my son - I had to ask him 3x to find a book and it really was exhausting! So, after a dramatic "I'm-so-tired" effort on my part and an explanation of consequences, he ended up folding laundry, which he actually enjoyed (will tuck that away) and I thanked him for restoring my energy.

Also, my daughter started arguing right before bed about a halloween costume. Last week, she overheard me explaining the "I know..." brain-dead technique to a friend. So when she started her second "but...I want" I said, very empathetically, "I know........."

She said "really??" and went upstairs and found another costume. Quick learner.

smile emoticon

This parent got it and so did the kids! Great job remembering that these simple techniques can make a big difference in our lives as parents.

Back Talk and Energy Drain

11/8/2014

Here's what one of the parents in my current class was able to do with just a few lessons:

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One kid was talking very unkindly in the morning, was asked to stop and kept going on. In the afternoon on the way home from school...

Me: "Remember the way you were talking this morning? It really wears me out when I have to listen to that kind of talking. Your friend's mom called and asked if you could come over after school today, but I don't really feel like doing extra things when I'm low on energy."
Kid: "You did not! You didn't say I couldn't go!"
Me: "Well, I wanted to talk to you about that. I don't really feel like driving you there now since I'm worn out, but there are some things you could do to help increase my energy."
Kid: "When we get home I'll get you a banana. That will give you energy! "
Me: "Not that kind of energy. It's more like emotional energy. Do you want some ideas of how you can increase my energy?"
Kid: "Like what?"
Me: "Well, I have a bunch of laundry on the bed that needs folding and putting away."
Kid: "No way! Not laundry! How about if I pick up dog poop?"
Me: "OK. That's a good start."
Kid: "It's not just a start! (kind of mad) That's all!"
Me: "Well, while you are picking up dog poop, I'll start folding the clothes and then you can come help me put them away. If you get started right away we should be able to get done in time to get to your friend's house."
Kid: "So what's the problem, you can't move or something? Why do you need energy? That's not going to give you energy. Why don't you just say the truth -- you are giving chores as punishment."

Outcome.... kid walked in the front door of the house and out the back door to do the task without being asked then came upstairs to put away laundry. Did knock a few things off the bed on purpose and then claimed that since they weren't on the bed, he didn't need to put them away, but he eventually did the job and he got to his friend's house.
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Wow! What a great amount of control this parent had over their OWN actions that directly impacted their child. We as parents really need to remember that things change when WE change and follow through with our own actions.