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Hidden Opportunities are There!

7/6/2017

The concept of "Affordable Mistakes" is to lovingly let our kids try things that we know they might fail at. I used to think these were supposed to be BIG things like riding a bike, playing a sport or learning a musical instrument. Was I ever wrong!
We often don't see the hidden gems for affordable misstakes waiting for us to discover them; they are simple and our kids can recover from them even if they "fail". What is hiding in plain sight in your home?

Younger Kids (Toddler/Preschool):

Can they pour their milk? Can they get out their own cups? Utensils? Set the table?
Can they serve themselves their food? Can they pour cereal from a box?
Can they choose clothes appropriate for the weather?
Who is picking up their toys? Do they know where toys go?
Can they wash their ears? Scrub their hair? Pour out the right amount of soap to wash their hair?
Who takes out the garbage? Can they get a new bag to replace the old one?

Elementary Kids:

Who is cleaning up plates after a meal? Washing the counters? Loading the dishwasher?
Can they make their breakfast or pack their lunch? Can they unpack their lunch bag?
Who is waking them up in the morning?
Who is planning their homework? Do they decide what needs to be done and when?

Middle and High School Kids:

Who is doing their laundry? Can they sort and fold? Do they know how to separate colors or why they need to be separated?
Can they cook their own dinner? Can they make mac-n-cheese? Caesar salad? A burrito?
Can they change their beds and towels? Clean the bathroom? How often do they need cleaning?
Who handles the money for all their tutoring and lessons? Do they write the checks or do you?

As you can imagine, the list of possibilities is endless!

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Who Owns Your Kids Goals?

6/6/2017

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Has your kid ever said they were too tired to study? Complained they didn't have time for something? Maybe they have a big tournament coming up that they should be practicing extra hard for but they don't seem to want to spend the time at it? Is that your kid?
Often as parents we go into overdrive as we see our kid's goal slipping away, don't we? If we just plan those extra tutorial sessions for them, they'll get over the hill. If we just drive them to a few more lessons... if we just tell them over and over how their coach will be disappointed that they didn't go the extra mile to pass their karate promotion... if we... if we...
When we find ourselves nagging and panicking that our kids aren't doing their best, when they are "too tired" or "too busy" to do what WE want them to do we really need to STOP. We need to STOP and think about who has the goal... our kid? Or us?
Out of love our kids will often achieve what WE want but our job is really to teach them HOW to achieve, not what.
Wanting to achieve takes planning, perseverance and practice. It comes from THEIR hearts, not ours.
Are you struggling with a goal for your child? Ask yourself WHOSE goal it is. If your stake is bigger than your child's then you might need to reconsider. Keep in mind skills like empathy when they choose not to study extra. Go brain dead when they want to argue with you about when to practice. These skills can help you maneuver the challenging roads of achievement.

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Lunch Bag Battles -- Finished!

2/16/2017

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Sometimes we parents need to change up our approach when kids keep forgetting things and nagging is going in one ear and out the other. Here is a story of one mom who used some of her L&L tricks and let her daughter figure out the best way to handle lunch bags and lunch money. Check it out! Can you see where she uses
EMPATHY? CHOICES? PROBLEM SOLVING?
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My daughter is 10 years old and in 5th grade. She ALWAYS needs to be reminded about everything. It happened one day that she forgot both of her lunchbags (she has two - one new one and one old one) at school. I told her yesterday that she will get a brown paper bag lunch for today since I don't have a lunchbox to put the lunch in. I empathetically mentioned that I hope the lunch won't be too warm by noon sitting in a bag. She came up with the great idea, that she could have hot lunch instead! I enthusiastically agreed with her that this would be a great solution. I promised that I would remind her once we got home to pack some of her money into her backpack so that she can pay for the lunch.

Her reaction was WHAT? I have to pay for it myself???

Well, (I said calmly) I don't really want to reward you with money for hot lunch if you forget your lunchboxes at school.

And she reacted with: "You have a point - I'll take the paper bag" :-)

Before attending your course, I'd have given her the money for lunch. So - THANK YOU!
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Do you remind too often? Nag to make sure things go "well"? Driving yourself crazy in the meantime? It's time to let your kids take ownership of things like lunch boxes, homework, music instruments, permission slips... What can you let them "own" today?

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Doing Laundry When Moms Do It "Wrong"

9/30/2016

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It's been fun hearing parents claim their independence from kids who criticize us. Read this story from a mom who put her foot down!

About a week after we had concluded the L&L class my 13 year old got upset with me for putting a sweater of hers in the washing machine and was super rude about it to me. In the back of my mind I had been thinking about what you said about kids washing their own clothes by the time they got into high school. So when she was rude (I admit I was a little angry with my reply and did not smile like I should have when I said it) I told her that I would be happy to show her how to use the washing machine and that from now on she could wash her own clothes and that this way she would not have the problem of me washing her clothes "wrong. " I told her she could let me know when she wanted me to teach her but I would no longer be washing her clothes.

Well, the week went by and the next weekend I did not wash her clothes. I knew she would forget about me not washing her clothes and I did laundry all weekend like I usually do but I did not include her clothes. Well, on Monday morning she came to me and said indignantly, "Mom, didn't you wash any black clothes this weekend?" This time I was calm and ready and I told her that I had washed black clothes that weekend just not hers and I reminded her that I was no longer washing her clothes. What?!! I got the "waste of water" argument and on and on but I told her I was willing to waste the water for no problems about the wash between us and that more important this way she is in control of what gets washed and when. She has worn a few things dirty and has dug into her closet and worn some of her old clothes over the past few weeks but she is learning how to wash on her own and also washes things by hand on occasion because she does not want to do a whole load.

It is hard for me because I hate wasting water and I especially hate "not doing for her" but we are making our way on this : )

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I truly believe that teaching our kids to do their own laundry as early as 4th or 5th grade is an amazing character builder but at least by middle school or high school we should transition this responsibility to them. It teaches them not only to do laundry but if we hold back and don't nag them about WHEN then they can learn a HUGE life lesson and figure out the organizational and follow through skills they will need for such a task when they are adults.

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Teens and Driving -- Yes or No?

5/20/2016

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Being the mom of teens I have to admit that one of my least favorite jobs as a parent has been teaching my kids how to drive. It's scary! But... it's also a necessary part of them growing up so I had to buck it up and JUST DO IT!

Many parents feel that their kids are too busy or not mature enough to drive and have them wait until they are 18. While this is a good point, I beg to differ. If we wait until they are 18 and about to leave for college, when will they really have time to practice? We learn from our mistakes, right? If our kids make a "mistake" driving it can be a BIG mistake. For most of us Silicon Valley parents our kids won't be nearby if they wait till after high school, away at college somewhere.

When the stakes are small is when we want our kids to make mistakes, when we are close by to consult and provide loving empathy. Driving to and from school less than a mile or two from home is where we want them to practice. Under 18 requires kids have a permit for 6 months AND they can't drive their friends for a whole year after they get their license. (Yes, that's a tough one but worth the battle!) After 18, no restrictions at all.
A friend of mine let their daughter wait until she was 18 to drive, she was too busy with school to be bothered. She had just finished high school and thought it was going to be easy. She was going to go to a college about 10 miles away and would need to commute to school every day in potentially heavy traffic on freeways as well as surface streets. Yikes!

As an 18 year old, she only needed to pass a written test to get a permit, no Drivers Ed class required. Next, she could take the behind-the-wheel test right away, no restrictions! She took it one month later thinking she was ready. She was a TERRIBLE driver and, luckily, failed. She had a bad attitude toward anyone wanting to give her instruction and even started texting while driving, throwing her phone in the back seat when the person helping her objected. She was not understanding the importance of paying attention while driving. She still thought it was EASY. Frightening!

A few weeks later she went back and re-took her driving exam and passed. Well, the VERY NEXT DAY, she was on the freeway and was in an accident -- a $3000 fender-bender Wow! Did she get a wake up call! She was not only shaken up but had to deal with the natural consequences of her poor decision to not take driving seriously. She was so humbled that she didn't even drive for weeks. Her parents were empathetic and loving while holding her accountable -- VERY IMPORTANT!

She now knows about insurance claims and paying things off over time. She even arranged to work with the body shop to pay off some of the work by helping them update their social media presence and website. She got creative! Yeah!

She's now a fairly good driver. She's getting good grades. Her whole attitude has changed. Her parents are thankful they were nearby and they'd had good parenting skills to back them up.

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Hidden Opportunities are There!

Who Owns Your Kids Goals?

Lunch Bag Battles -- Finished!

Doing Laundry When Moms Do It "Wrong"

Teens and Driving -- Yes or No?

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Teens and Driving -- Yes or No?

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Doing Laundry When Moms Do It "Wrong"